[iatetheyeti] Battlemage Vol. II: The Art of Healing

[iatetheyeti]

I hurt everywhere and strongly dislike everything right now. I'm sure it's been longer than a month this time around, which is probably why it took me by surprise. Again.

 

Self-care: I did nothing, and nothing was perhaps the best kind of self-care I could give today. when I say I hurt, I hurt. It isn't usually this bad, but from time to time I do have to just curl up into a ball for a few days and shut out the world until I feel more human. Today is one such day.

 

Food: Fairly awful. One bowl of pasta. An endless line of mugs of cupasoup, hot chocolate, and coffee. My first instinct is to berate myself for this, but first and foremost, something is better than nothing. Also, I feel awful and my body wants what it wants, and right now I'm not going to argue with it. I suppose that's another kind of self-care. I know tomorrow I'll have to be more careful and actually have a proper meal or two, but today is just what it is.

 

Fitness: Nope.

 

[iatetheyeti]

Another Saturday, another meal prep day. It was successful. The only thing successful about today, really.

 

Self-care: I'm in two minds about whether 'stayed in bed for a very long time' counts as self-are. On one hand, I had a very bad night, woke every hour or so, and therefore needed to make up rest somehow. On the other, it's not helpful when I'm trying to get myself into a consistent routine. Tried to take things slowly today as well. I've been rundown and exhausted all day, and though the pain isn't as bad it's still there and very much present.

 

Food: A little better than yesterday, but not much. My food efforts went into meal prep for the week ahead. Plenty of mango and chicken curry, a curried cauliflower soup that may or may not taste like it should given that I deviated from the recipe very early on and didn't bother to go back to it, sweet chilli ribs to use as the base of a quick meal after work (add veg and we're sorted, right?), lots of brownies, and a loaf of bread.

 

Spoiler

 

Not bad, though I do wish I'd been able to make some pretty tubs like I did last week. My beef, pumpkin, and green bean tubs looked really quite good. Though I suppose there's only so much you can do with a tub of curry!

 

Fitness: I am the place where good intentions go to die. That's two in a row, so let's not make it three. I can't physically do anything else tonight, I'm already struggling, but tomorrow, in the morning, before work, that's when I make the change and do the work.

 

[iatetheyeti]

Turns out I'm ill. That's fun.

 

Self-care: Back to basics for a short while, or at least until this has passed. Today it was all about making sure I took care of my personal hygiene (though showering is surprisingly difficult when you can't really breath all that well), that I ate as best I could, and that I will be getting a good amount of sleep. I suspect the next few days will be exactly the same.

 

Food: I'm not sure cupasoup counts as food, but that's what's been happening today. My throat is somewhat swollen, enough so that taking my vitamins this morning was extremely difficult, so I decided that, while I'm not doing much, I'll take the option that's easiest. Tomorrow I'll have no choice but to force the solids down as it's a long work day, but today it was soup, soup, soup, and more soup.

 

Fitness: Somewhat surprisingly, I actually did something. It was a very short mobility session and I ended up doing it with my nose plugged up entirely. Thankfully I live alone, therefore there were no witnesses...

 

[iatetheyeti]

This is proper illness. What joy! I got sent home from work three hours into an eleven hour shift yesterday, which was a new and unusual experience. Although I do feel more functional today, I will absolutely be calling in sick for tomorrow's shift. More functional does not mean able to do eleven hours of moderate labour. Although I know what I need to do this whole experience is incredibly frustrating. I'm unable to continue even the light amount of working out I was doing prior to this, I'm barely able to force down solid food, and I've got the feeling that I'm dancing around the edge of a downward spiral with no clue when the drop is actually going to happen. I just have to keep going and hope for the best.

 

I know a lot of that is this current illness talking. I know a few days of rest and a gradual, sensible return to where I was won't be the end of the world and if anything it may even do me some good. The time off work will certainly do good and aid in both recovery from both this illness and from the acute stress my job causes me anyway.

 

And with my time off, I can plan. Kind of.

 

I made the decision a few months ago that next year would be a recovery year of sorts, one where I absolutely would not race (though I'm not gonna lie, that decision hurt and I've been very much tempted by the fact that the new location for Spartan in Scotland is right on one of the bus routes I use often) and therefore would not subject myself to the kind of competitive environment that had such a negative impact on me. I believe that, if I return to it with the correct mindset, I would thrive in that same environment. It's like working under pressure, and that's something I do very well despite all outward appearances. But if I go back into things with the wrong mindset then I'll have a repeat of this year, and I don't want that at all.

 

What I need in the mean time is a rough plan, more like guidelines, really, that I can follow and lean on to help me stay on the path I want to be on.

 

I've got the bigger picture in my head. I've got the image of where I want to be at the end of next year, of who and how I want to be. I've also got the start of this next journey, what I know I need to be doing to kick things off. What I don't know is how to link the start and end together, and I suppose I don't really need to know in any great depth right now. i just need to know where the path is, so to speak. Maybe pick out some sights to see along the way. But nothing set in stone. If I do that, that's when I start edging into unhealthy competitiveness with myself, and that's when I start causing myself all manner of problems.

 

It does make proper planning a little tricky...

 

But I do need to learn to listen to my body and my intuition. If I don't, I end up in the situation I'm in now.

 

I'll figure it out somehow. I don't really know how, but at the moment that's part of the appeal. I will get to that end image in my mind, and there's no reason the journey itself cannot be as rewarding as the end result.

 

[iatetheyeti]

I think I'm officially on sick leave now? Maybe? All it took was one horrifying 57 second phone call.

 

Self-care: Took it very slow today, but didn't just lounge around. Not entirely by choice, I have to get the place clean and tidy for tomorrow because the rental agency is coming for an inspection in the morning and because I forgot I am very unprepared. The difficult part with all of this is that now that I can't do things, of course I want to. And that's frustrating.

 

Food: Plague rations still. Lots of soup. Some pasta. I'm definitely a little concerned about that, but I'm limited in choice right now.

 

Fitness: The tidying effort is counting purely because it's getting me up and moving. Can't really do anything else fitness wise. I could go for a walk, but do I want to go for a walk in the rain when I'm already ill? Well, yes, but the sensible answer would be no.

 

[iatetheyeti]

Very quiet kind of sick day today.

 

Self-care: Funnily enough, self-care has come in the form of gaming today. Earlier in the day I felt entirely too restless and stressed, so I channelled that into the original Doom and Doom II (considered 3, decided I wasn't in the mood for new school Doom). When I calmed down somewhat and still felt restless, I decided on Oblivion and my battlemage save. We're still early days on that one and I've got plenty there to keep me occupied in a more constructive way than blasting apart demons.

 

Food: Getting better. Moving away from soups and back onto solids. Still need to up my intake before I go back to work, but I think I'm on the right track.

 

Fitness: Actually, yes. I did a very brief yoga session earlier, and when I was taking my stress out on Doom/Doom II I decided to put in a one kill = one rep feature. Shotgun Guys/Imps were squats as there are a great many of those and squats are the least tiring thing for me to do right now, demons and spectres were push ups, a cacodemon or pain elemental down meant ten seconds of plank, and a hell knight was a pistol attempt (three tries, none successful today). It was good fun, and a good way to make sure I didn't spend all that time sitting and stagnating. I'm pretty wiped out now though, which is kind of funny and kind of frustrating at the same time.

 

[Mortimer]

Seriously that's a very creative way on getting your exercise in on what appears to be a couch potato day. My hats off to you for that one =D

[iatetheyeti]

9 hours ago, Mortimer said:

Seriously that's a very creative way on getting your exercise in on what appears to be a couch potato day. My hats off to you for that one =D

 

It's good fun  And if I was better at the games themselves (my lack of coordination does not lend itself to these kinds of things but I enjoy them nonetheless) pretty good workout! As it is, it's a good way to break up what would otherwise be long periods of time sat hunched over and staring at the TV.

 

[iatetheyeti]

Self-care: I've been trying to keep myself relaxed and stress free in the run up to my return to work (and the phone call I'll have to make beforehand to confirm that I am indeed returning to work). Mostly it's involved playing Oblivion.

 

Food: I am eating mostly normally again, but I can't pretend I wasn't hit with weird cravings and I certainly can't pretend I haven't eaten an entire block of cheese (vegan cheese, I'm not stupid enough to ingest anything dairy so soon after being ill!). But on the whole I'm almost back to normal.

 

Fitness: Yes! Started off with some mobility and a very short yoga session, then did some circuits that about floored me. Nothing strenuous, but more than I've done all week. Slight step backwards noticeable (although I can still do a forward fold and touch the floor for a few seconds), but nothing getting back into a routine won't fix. On the whole I'm feeling more optimistic than I have done in a while.

 

[iatetheyeti]

Apparently I forgot about this again...

 

Self-care: Forced myself into doing basic personal hygiene tasks, which is always equal parts amusing and horrifying. Being a grown person means I really should be capable of such basic things, but I am not really a grown and functional person, and I need to keep reminding myself that sometimes this is just what depression does. No need to shame or berate myself over it. Fortunately my other main self-care point today was baking a fresh batch of brownies.

 

Food: Not all that bad, all things considered. Had a large lunch of sausage and roast veggies that doubled as exceptionally late breakfast, snacked on veggies throughout the day (and managed to devour an entire cucumber while I was at it, which is amusing), and had my standard fallback of veggie pasta for dinner. Plus a fresh brownie for dessert.

 

Fitness: A short walk and mobility today. Had very noticeable stiffness that needed working out. It's probably something to do with finally being back at work, oversleeping, and the cold spell we've been having. Either way, more movement is needed.

 

[iatetheyeti]

Self-care: There was a short while during work today that I thought things might take a turn for the more self-destructive. Long story short, some jokes were made about my indifference to Christmas and my spending it alone constantly, most of which were fine and I encouraged, but one of which was basically that it's because no one loves me, and that hurt. And it hurt because it's actually true, not that it's really something I like thinking about. My family situation is what we'll call Not Ideal and never in living memory has a family member told me they love me (or acted like it, really). Nor has anyone else that I recall. Now, on one hand I try to keep reminding myself that it ultimately doesn't matter, that what matters is that I find a way to make peace with myself. And hey, some people like me, which is a comfort and far better than being entirely unliked as well. On the other hand I have no clue what love feels like and do actually want to know. And that was circling around in my head as I worked. I did manage to talk myself down to a reasonable, somewhat rational standpoint, and I know that the co-worker who made the joke didn't mean it to be so hurtful, and really still has no idea it was. So, funnily enough, my major self-care act for today was reassuring myself that caring for myself is a fine and wonderful thing and I don't need to rely on other people to do it.

 

Food: Much food today. Breakfast took a slightly wrong turn when I decided I didn't want my prepped meal and instead ate a carby feast from the staff canteen. Lunch, however, stayed on track. And I either had two dinners or a two course dinner plus a brownie dessert. I was furiously hungry and am still quite peckish, but I'm not eating anything else because I want to go to bed at a reasonable time and need to digest. Still, a big appetite is usually a good sign for me.

 

Fitness: Just the eleven hour work shift and some mobility for today. Arthritis was playing up and complained throughout the first half, but I took it reasonably easy and applied plenty of Deep Heat afterwards. Things seem alright now.

 

[darkfoxx]

Woof. That’s a big ole pile of not-fun on your emotional plate, but it sounds like your coping mechanisms really helped. Good going! 

[iatetheyeti]

4 hours ago, darkfoxx said:

Woof. That’s a big ole pile of not-fun on your emotional plate, but it sounds like your coping mechanisms really helped. Good going! 

 

Oh it is so much not-fun, but thankfully it's a subject I've had plenty of practice dealing with, and it's actually a massive relief to know that I am moving in the right direction as far as coping mechanisms go and that they do work when needed.

 

[iatetheyeti]

Self-care: I think not letting the mood I woke up in ruin my day counts as self-care. Unpleasant dreams last night, though I can't say I'm surprised. But I managed to work through it and by the time my second cup of coffee was gone I was feeling better and even managed to hop into the shower without needing to fight myself too much.

 

Food: Could have been better. Lunch and dinner were actual meals, but there was a lot of grazing going on and that, I've found, doesn't help matters. So until I've got a handle on what I'm eating in actual meals, I want to cut that out entirely. So far, not much success.

 

Fitness: Mobility and a walk today. I did intend to do some circuits but I got a sudden case of hitting the wall, which usually only happens to me at work. Strange, but I have been ill recently, so nothing I'm worrying about.

 

[iatetheyeti]

I have this thing for a reason. I need to remember to use it.

 

Self-care: Mostly just trying to keep myself afloat and functional right now. Had a major anxiety event that's spread to every aspect of my life and I don't want to be living like that, so I'm trying to be kind to myself, but also firm. Things need doing, after all.

 

Food: Good food day today. Skipped on a work breakfast and instead feasted on meatballs and veg, lunch was chicken and mango curry with rice, and a brownie piece for dessert, and dinner was burger with as much salad as I could fit onto the plate (two corn cobs, a small mountain of spinach, a third of a cucumber, a handful of cherry tomatoes, a hard boiled egg, and a few other odds and ends), and there will be a couple of slices of banana bread for dessert. At some point I am going to have to start tracking calories to ensure that I am actually eating enough as well as eating the right kinds of things, because I spend most of my time hungry.

 

Fitness: Just some mobility work today. Plus a ten hour work shift.

 

[iatetheyeti]

Self-care: Pretty much just going slow today, doing what I needed and wanted when I could, with no pressure.

 

Food: Good and bad. Bad in the sense that I didn't eat until mid-afternoon because of poor planning, and good because I've eaten decent stuff today. Plenty of veggies too, which has ever been a problem for me. Seems like I'm on the way to fixing it though.

 

Fitness: Lots of walking, some mobility. Did intend to do a workout today, but that has not happened.

 

[iatetheyeti]

Self-care: Honestly, really not much of that today.

 

Food: Did quite well with this one today. Meatballs and veg for breakfast, curry for lunch, and a burger and veg for dinner. Plus a couple of brownies.

 

Fitness: Mobility. That's it.

 

[iatetheyeti]

Well, it's certainly been a while, hasn't it? There are reasons and excuses I could go into, but I won't. Instead I'll just get right back to it.

 

At the moment I'm going to use this to track two things: sleep and food prep.

 

Over the past month or so I've been suffering heavily from issues with fatigue and being plain unable to sleep, making said fatigue worse. I've recently spoken to a doctor and have a new plan, and I think actually tracking how things will go is probably the best way to figure out if it's working or not as my memory is extremely poor. More so recently due to the fatigue.

 

I've also very recently got back into the meal prep habit. I did have a good thing going with it, then I was forced into moving and had a breakdown and well, these things tend to suffer when life gets a little rough. But now things are levelling out again and I'm very enthusiastic about picking the habit up once more.

 

 

Sleep: Restless start, unable to get comfortable for a long time. However once asleep, I only woke up once in the early hours. Overall estimate, about five hours of sleep. That makes last night one of my better ones in a long time.

 

Food prep: Today I have to take inventory of the meats I have in the freezer and create a menu plan from them. Also as I am working a closing shift tonight I will be on the lookout for good reduction bargains.

 

[iatetheyeti]

Sleep: Overall generally relaxing evening. Walked home from work, ate dinner, watched Gordon Ramsey yell at people whilst drinking hot chocolate. Shut everything off an hour before bed and settled in with my book for that time. Still had difficulty actually getting to sleep, but not as badly as the previous night. Not much restlessness and no discomfort. Slept almost right through, only woke up once again and that was very briefly. Estimated sleep time around six hours, making it the best I've all month, of not for the past two months.

 

Meal prep: Found a tasty looking pork, apple, and onion recipe I can adapt. Need to track down ideas for fish and for mince next. Assigned meal prep day will be Saturday.

[iatetheyeti]

Sleep: Meds acquired and taken before the usual electrics off/settle down and read routine took place. Didn't notice a massive amount of difference in how I felt before turning in. Perhaps a little sleepier? Not a massive amount of difference in how long it took to actually get to sleep either. I'm thinking going forwards it needs to be taken on a fully empty stomach. Admittedly this will be difficult after working closing shifts, but I can figure something out. The real difference came when my alarm went off. It was a battle to wake up and more so to stay awake and shake off the extreme lethargy that had settled over me. Took far longer to get out of bed than usual. Hopefully this is just my body adjusting to the medication rather than something that's here to stay.

 

Meal prep: Extra haul of fish acquired during last night's final reductions, plus a fifteen pack of eggs, all for under £1 total. The fish will do well baked in little parcels, so now to find some little bits and pieces to bake them with. The turkey already in the freezer would do well as fajitas of some kind. Got a small haul of wraps stashed in the bottom of the freezer too.

 

[iatetheyeti]

Sleep: This is shaping up to be interesting. Spent yesterday wandering around like a zombie at work before walking home and trying to settle into my usual bedtime routine. Oddly enough I felt a little more awake after taking the medication, and once again did not notice a difference in how long it took me to get to sleep. However I did only wake up once during the night and afterwards got back to sleep very quickly. Waking up and getting out of bed this morning was another fight, though perhaps not quite as bad as yesterday.

 

Meal prep: Meat and fish components are out and defrosting ahead of tomorrow's session. Veg is mostly acquired, just need a whole load of broccoli. Also need to acquire a lemon, a lime, an orange, and some chillies. Otherwise, I'm good to go.

 

[iatetheyeti]

Sleep: Well, the routine got a little disrupted last night, but I fully expected that. My girlfriend came by after she'd finished work for the evening and we ended up watching a film until almost midnight, both of us forgetting to take our respective medications until later than we should have. Sleep was tricky. Not only is it high humidity, but I am still learning to sleep with another person in the bed who has drastically different sleep needs to my own. We're working on it. Last night brought me some very broken sleep punctuated by vivid dreams. Those seem to be caused by the medication, but that's something I can live with and even enjoy. I have made the decision that if I am still struggling with waking up and actually being able to function as a person in the mornings by the time my week off of work ends (last day is 9th Aug) then I will call the doctor back and see what my other options are.

 

Meal prep: Delayed until tomorrow.

 

[iatetheyeti]

Sleep: Minor hiccup. Last night went to plan, I followed my usual routine before bed. Still took a while to fall asleep. But I forgot to set an alarm for this morning and as a result did not wake up until 1145. Still groggy and lethargic, but not nearly as much as usual. Maybe the solution is to play about with when I go to bed? Or possibly take the medication an hour and a half before rather than an hour before? It's something to think about anyway. Unfortunately getting almost twelve hours of sleep every night is not possible.

 

Meal prep: A little will be done today, mostly cooking off the meat and ensuring that gets frozen.

 

[iatetheyeti]

Sleep: Last night was exactly what I expected it to be after I messed up my admittedly fragile sleep routine. Took my meds, followed my routine, and did not get to sleep for hours. Also woke up with a raging headache, but that was most likely weather related as opposed to anything else. I am not going to let another slip like that happen again.

 

Meal prep: ...I'm making a get-back-on-track plan.

 

[Mortimer]

I think you should call your doctor and tell him how the meds are affecting you and see if he can come up with different ones?