Finding The Middle...

[eden_fire]

Let me start off by saying that I apologize in advance if I say anything out of line here...but I've been doing a lot of soul-searching lately to try to find a way to reprogram my black-and-white brain when it comes to pursuing nutrition and fitness, and I find the best way for me to sort through the mess in my head is to talk (or write) it out. Of all the online communities that I follow on the topic of overall health and life improvement, this group is where I feel the most welcome. And maybe in the process of being open and honest about my struggles, someone else might be able to relate or have some good advice. 

 

I'm stuck in a bit of a guilt/shame spiral when it comes to food (it happens from time to time) and I'm having a really hard time getting out of this one. It's a vicious cycle...I set rules for myself, I break the rules in a moment of weakness, I beat myself up about being a failure, and then - because I'm feeling so crappy about myself - I eat something sugary to feel better, and then I feel even worse. Around and around we go! There is no middle ground for me, and I either feel like a thin wire stretched tight and trying not to snap, or completely out of control. 

 

I feel like my brain is programmed to view the world in terms of extremes...good or bad, pass or fail, order or chaos...and everything has to fit into these neat little dichotomous boxes. I KNOW, logically, that the world doesn't work this way. But knowing and feeling are two different things entirely, and the part of me that governs my actions and behaviors is illogical. I think it stems from the anxiety I've dealt with since I was a kid - the antidote to that anxiety has always been routine and order. So when I'm unhappy about something (like my health), I create a system of rules to fix it. But the problem is that I can't keep up the act for long. And when I slip up, I do so spectacularly! And then I figure, "Well, since all is lost, I may as well go down today in a blaze of glory!" 

 

I know my situation isn't unique...lots of people struggle with this, right? But there's so little helpful information out there on how to reprogram this way of thinking. It's all vague stuff like, "Be gentle with yourself," and "Focus on progress, not perfection!" Gee, thanks. That's sooooooooo helpful. As if I'm supposed to just mind-over-matter my way out of this. 

 

One of the big issues for me is that the unit of measure that I use to judge myself is "days". I will say, "No sugar today." And then, if someone brings homemade treats into the office and I have one, the whole day is now a write-off. I have a really hard time not slashing the other three tires on the car when I get a flat one, as the saying goes. It doesn't seem to matter to my black-and-white brain if the rest of the decisions I make in the day are positive, because I HAVE FAILED.

 

But this is a miserable way to live. It's exhausting to always be beating myself up about my short-comings! I've wasted so many years of my life being unhappy, that if I don't do something different, I fear that I'll wake up on my 40th birthday in exactly the same headspace. I need to find the middle ground...I need to find a way to retrain my brain. 

 

So, fellow over-thinkers and all-or-nothing types, please bear with me while I work through some of this stuff and let me know if you've got any advice! 

 

 

[Elastigirl]

Hi there, no you are not out of line. Many of us share your experiences. I think one of the most helpful things for me is just writing about it on my thread. Writing it my feelings helps me process, which helps. And then people say truthful and encouraging things ( like one candy bar doesn't mean you fail) After a while it became easier and easier for me to  acknowledge those truths and move away from the black and white pass fail.  

When I write challenge goals I try and write them to keep myself from the pass fail idea- One goal I  do  is If I eat a treat, stop and slow down and really enjoy it.Be thankful for it  Even with this though, there  were times I "failed"  What I am trying to train myself to do is just look at it objectively, as if I friend was asking for advice on it, and then move forward.Instead of saying I failed, just looking at what happened and why.   

[eden_fire]

So all my decisions yesterday weren't perfect, but I made an effort, and I think that's what I have to start evaluating myself on. Rather than looking at the whole day as one unit of measure, I asked myself at the end of it, "Did I make more healthy choices than unhealthy ones?" And when I wrote it all down (seeing things on a page seems to help cement it in my mind), I concluded that I had. 

 

Positive 

- Had one hard boiled egg at breakfast instead of two.

- Measured out my 1 tbsp of nut butter instead of just eyeballing it.

- Went to the gym! (This was huge...I literally felt an emotional weight lift off my shoulders one minute into my treadmill run.)

- Shared a Fit Kitchen meal with the husband, post-gym (instead of eating a full one myself).

- Consciously portioned out a smaller amount of soup at dinner.

- Had half a grilled cheese instead of a whole one at dinner.

- Did NOT snack on the couch while watching TV in the evening! (This is also a big deal for me...especially when Jon was sitting beside me munching on a bag of Doritos...)

 

Areas To Improve

- Bought the protein peanut butter "cookie dough" from Fit Kitchen and ate both servings (there were two servings in the container). 

- Dinner was a bit cheese-heavy.

- Had 3 oz of rum with pineapple Perrier at dinner. 

 

There were a couple times yesterday where I really had to stuff down those feelings of, "Relax! Indulge! It's the weekend!" when they would rise up. Especially after dinner, with the snacking on the couch. But I knew that because dinner wasn't the healthiest, so I had to offset that somehow. 

 

I feel good about yesterday (okay, maybe not GOOD, but I don't feel BAD), but the real test will be if I can maintain this way of thinking for more than just a few days! 

[Elastigirl]

This is great! I love your way of stopping and thinking of all your healthy wins. It's so easy for us to see our wins as little and the  poorer choices in bold , giant , font. And you had a lot of great choices!  As for if you keep up this thinking, treat it the same way. As you re-train your mind, you may find you slip a bit into old habits, but think of the times where you had a good mindset, and  how you are on an upward trend of  thinking that way more than the times you slip into old habits

[eden_fire]

Positives From Yesterday

 

- Made myself a big 'ol veggie omelette for breakfast and DIDN'T put cheese in it!

- Ordered my chai latte half-sweet and stuck to a small size.

- Spent the whole day (literally, the whole day) doing food prep...soup, stew, baked egg cups, salmon, fruit, veggies...you name it!

- Salad for dinner (didn't add nuts to it either). 

- Avoided snacking on the couch after dinner (even though Jon was sitting there with his Bits 'n Bites snack mix). 

 

Areas To Improve

 

- Shared half a gluten-free muffin at breakfast with Jon.

- Had a double vodka-soda with dinner. 

- Grazed a bit while I was doing food-prep.

 

My intention for this week is to carry this momentum forward into the work days ahead!