Novaurora Will Not Bow Down to her Vices

[Elastigirl]

I do that too. When I am having a hard time with something, and think I am holding it together, but then the silliest things cause a meltdown. Tank is right-sad people cry. 

[shaar]

9 hours ago, Novaurora said:

 I started crying because I forgot to turn the bedroom fan on because he always does that.  And I just cant sleep because it's too quiet because he always snores or I can hear his keyboard across the hall when he stays up late playing games.  Not seeing his truck in front of the house had me choking up.  Literally.  The stupidest tiniest most trivial shit and I just cant get a grip. 

 

 

 

There's an episode of Black Mirror - one I actually can't watch anymore - where at the end a guy stands in his empty house after his wife has left and replays all the memories of them in that house over the years (he has a chip in his head that stores memories like data); scenes of the empty house are overlaid with trivial things - folding laundry, making dinner, brewing a cup of coffee. It resonated with me and it's wildly painful to watch, like, I bawled for a good 5 minutes after it ended. The things you're sad about; they're not trivial. They're the little comforts that make us us and your feelings are so valid right now. <3

 

I hope today is better.

[The Most Loathed]

Have your feels and don't punish yourself for it. It is the little things that you notice the most. There are songs, restaurants, recipes, and so on that I just had to avoid. 

 

I fully support the hobby idea. I started to learn guitar. For me, sometimes that really helped. Sometimes I felt like more of a failure for having one more thing I was bad at. Commonly, despite having more free time, I just found that I didn't have it in me to put out the extra energy. That said, I'm glad I've spent the time, and I have gotten better, and it probably was a good distraction.

[Novaurora]

On 10/24/2019 at 12:12 AM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Hey, your feelings might be "irrational" but they are still valid. You are feeling them, and they are normal to feel. You are having a normal reaction to a not normal situation. Those tears aren't just about the fan. The fan is a reminder of the situation. Your tears are a result of being in a sad situation. Sad people cry.

 

It all sucks. I'm sorry you are having to go through it.

 

On 10/24/2019 at 12:54 AM, Elastigirl said:

I do that too. When I am having a hard time with something, and think I am holding it together, but then the silliest things cause a meltdown. Tank is right-sad people cry. 

 

Thanks for your support guys.  I at least made it through yesterday without too much trouble, but the kids were super distracting in the best (and most normal) way.  And they were super glad to see me because the sub was apparently terrible, ha.

 

20 hours ago, shaar said:

 

 

There's an episode of Black Mirror - one I actually can't watch anymore - where at the end a guy stands in his empty house after his wife has left and replays all the memories of them in that house over the years (he has a chip in his head that stores memories like data); scenes of the empty house are overlaid with trivial things - folding laundry, making dinner, brewing a cup of coffee. It resonated with me and it's wildly painful to watch, like, I bawled for a good 5 minutes after it ended. The things you're sad about; they're not trivial. They're the little comforts that make us us and your feelings are so valid right now. <3

 

I hope today is better.

Yeah, I watched like 3 episodes of that show and it was just...too much.  I couldn't really get into it.  Thanks for the support   Yesterday was better!

 

18 hours ago, The Most Loathed said:

Have your feels and don't punish yourself for it. It is the little things that you notice the most. There are songs, restaurants, recipes, and so on that I just had to avoid. 

 

I fully support the hobby idea. I started to learn guitar. For me, sometimes that really helped. Sometimes I felt like more of a failure for having one more thing I was bad at. Commonly, despite having more free time, I just found that I didn't have it in me to put out the extra energy. That said, I'm glad I've spent the time, and I have gotten better, and it probably was a good distraction.

Yeah, I definitely want to write MORE, which is something I already enjoy, but I was thinking of taking a pottery class or something like that.  Due to my ADD, I don't do the whole "self taught" thing very well (and then I just feel like a failure again).

 

So, yesterday was better in a lot of ways.  It felt way more normal.  I know I needed to stay home from school on Wednesday, but going back yesterday helped just as much because it was super normal.  It's amazing how easy it is to compartmentalize when thirty 15 year olds, who have no idea what I'm going through, are demanding the same amount of energy and attention as they did before all this happened.  I told a few co workers (just the ones whose rooms I share because there will be days that I phone it in, and I did not want them to think I was being slack for no reason) what happened, and they were supportive, but I'm not trying to make it "a thing" because part of me is still hoping this is what we need to fix everything, so I haven't told many people at all.  Its like a need to know, and right now, not many people outside of you guys need to know.  

 

I was inspired by a friend yesterday to make a list of all the things I can do on my own that I couldn't always do as a couple, to help me feel excited about some me time, and here's what I came up with:

• Cook and eat exactly how I want
• Focus more on my writing
• Play my music in the AM to get pumped up
• Hang out with my friends whenever
• Sleep on the side of the bed with the lamp (ha)
• Go on last minute adventures without having to plan on someone else's schedule

So, here's to another day of moving forward.  Hubs and I have a therapy appt next Wednesday, so we will probably set up the rules and structure of what this is then, so until that happens, one day at a time.

 

[Salinger]

You are wonderful Nova, and i LOVE your list. Brilliant idea. Sending you masses of love xx

[GoodDoug]

10 hours ago, Novaurora said:

I was inspired by a friend yesterday to make a list of all the things I can do on my own that I couldn't always do as a couple, to help me feel excited about some me time

Holy crap, that is an awesome idea

 

It feels so weird when you have some huge life altering event and somehow the rest of the world just keeps going on. There are times it feels reassuring and times it feels frustrating. We are here for you

[Maigs]

*HUGS*

 

Others have already said it, but regardless of the outcome, you do deserve to be happy

[Novaurora]

So, today took another downturn in terms of my mood and headspace.  Being alone is killing me.  I have decided not to change the intent of my challenge, but to tie some things specifically to it.  When I'm depressed, I turn to my vices.  I eat junk, I drink heavily, I binge watch TV, and I spend money like crazy.  Right now, I need to do the exact opposite of those things.  My self loathing about my body relapse is already bad enough, and I don't need to stagnate in terms of everything else and feel like an even bigger failure.

 

So, requirements for this challenge:

• Meal prep: even if I just do straight bento for lunch and dinner, that's better than junk
• Exercise x3 a week
• Write in my flash fiction prompts book every night OR work on one of the various stories I have sitting around
• No binge watching shows.  Watch 1 episode of any given show a day, up to three (but really, two is probably reasonable). THIS INCLUDES WEEKENDS.  One movie counts as 3 shows
• Limit myself to 2 drinks if I go out
• Track spending:
  • no buying extra food outside of my Friday coffee and treat or going out with friends
  • No buying clothes (this has become a huge problem in the last 2 months...she says as she wears a sweater she bought at target like 6 hours ago)
  • No buying notebooks, pens, stamps etc etc
  • no buying books until I've read the stack I have
• Moodspace: Do your 3 clouds every day.  FIND THE GOOD

 

On 10/25/2019 at 11:44 AM, Salinger said:

You are wonderful Nova, and i LOVE your list. Brilliant idea. Sending you masses of love xx

Thanks!  Lots of love for you too!!

 

On 10/25/2019 at 4:56 PM, GoodDoug said:

Holy crap, that is an awesome idea

She is a great friend  

On 10/25/2019 at 4:56 PM, GoodDoug said:

It feels so weird when you have some huge life altering event and somehow the rest of the world just keeps going on. There are times it feels reassuring and times it feels frustrating. We are here for you

Thanks.  I am pitching between both of those two places right now.  It's weird.

 

10 hours ago, Maigs said:

*HUGS*

 

Others have already said it, but regardless of the outcome, you do deserve to be happy

Thanks.    

[Aquarii]

1 hour ago, Novaurora said:

 

• • No buying notebooks, pens, stamps etc etc
  • no buying books until I've read the stack I have

 

I am glad I am not the only person who struggles with this. I am not a huge spender, I am more of a minimalist by nature. But books and notebooks are my weakness.

 

Sorry to hear things have been so rough for you lately. But you got this, it sucks now, but you will get through it  And we will all be cheering you on as you push through it.

[Salinger]

Hope you are ok Nova xx

[shaar]

Hey hey - how are you doing today? <3  Weekends must be really weird and uncomfy right now... hang in there, Nova!!  You are awesome and you will conquer this!

[Novaurora]

18 hours ago, Aquarii said:

 

I am glad I am not the only person who struggles with this. I am not a huge spender, I am more of a minimalist by nature. But books and notebooks are my weakness.

 

Sorry to hear things have been so rough for you lately. But you got this, it sucks now, but you will get through it  And we will all be cheering you on as you push through it.

I have so many empty notebooks it is ridiculous.  Thanks for your support!!

 

9 hours ago, Salinger said:

Hope you are ok Nova xx

Doing okay.  Very busy today prepping for the week, so at least there's that.  Less time to be stressed.

 

5 hours ago, shaar said:

Hey hey - how are you doing today? <3  Weekends must be really weird and uncomfy right now... hang in there, Nova!!  You are awesome and you will conquer this!

Yesterday was rough, but today was a bit better.  Lots of grading and meal prep to keep busy.  Lots of good, healthy stuff going on.

 

Thanks everyone for checking in on me.  I was able to keep busy today and make some good choices in terms of not moping and getting some good stuff done.  Laundry, grading, and meal prep.  

 

My meals this week include:

 

Breakfast: cereal with almond milk or protein shake with almond milk

 

Lunch: turkey and cheese rolls, grapes, carrots and hummus, yogurt, and belvita snack packs. 

 

Dinner:

Option 1: pulled pork with coleslaw and green beans

Option 2: Garlic shrimp pasta (from the frozen aisle, but I know that my cooking energy will be 0)

 

All of this is already prepped, or currently prepping in the cock pot.  The dishes are washed, and the kitchen is wiped down.  I feel good about food this week.  I am going to see how long I can go without eating fast food or eating out by myself.

 

I have music trivia on Wednesday, so I will eat out then, but other than that, I should be eating at home.  I also have couples therapy Wednesday...so we will see how that goes.

 

Here we go moving forward.  Woop woop

[Salinger]

Thats great Nova, wow, really good meal prep. Good job, i am proud of you xx

[Aquarii]

Wow Nova, you are just killing it this weekend. Good for you! I am glad you are finding positive and productive ways to channel your energy this weekend

[Novaurora]

On 10/27/2019 at 4:38 PM, Salinger said:

Thats great Nova, wow, really good meal prep. Good job, i am proud of you xx

Thanks!  It's really easy not to eat out (or binge eat) when I know I have food at home.  So helpful.

 

On 10/27/2019 at 5:18 PM, Aquarii said:

Wow Nova, you are just killing it this weekend. Good for you! I am glad you are finding positive and productive ways to channel your energy this weekend

Thanks!  It felt good to be productive.  That's for sure.

 

Hey guys!

 

Today was pretty good.  It was midterm day, so it was a super chill day of tests.  The only downside is that I left my lunch at home, so I was starving when I got home and ate "lunch" and dinner in like 4 hours of each other.  

 

I worked out yesterday, and actually changed up my routine.  I was getting bored with Stronglifts, and never see the weight loss I want with lifting, so I'm back to doing body weight cardio stuff with some lifting.  I also want to start biking to work.  I am thinking of doing a trial run on Saturday morning to see just how sweaty I would get, but it would be about 30 minutes, and, in my opinion, totally worth it.  I just want to be more active in general.

 

I did a good job staying within calories, and I did a good bit of grading too.  Overall, despite my current life situation, today was good.

[Rinna]

On 10/25/2019 at 4:37 AM, Novaurora said:

  And they were super glad to see me because the sub was apparently terrible, ha.

The sign of a good teacher.

[Rhovaniel]

Hey Nova. I'm so sorry things are rough. Sounds like you've got some really good strategies in place - you're doing amazing and no matter what, you will be stronger from this. 

 

PS. One other good thing to add to your list - forget the side with the lamp, you can stretch out and take BOTH sides. It's the best! No one moans when you stick out a leg or arm or randomly sleep diagonally. (Well, for me that's not true because the cat has claimed the bottom of the bed where I tend to kick a foot out but he forgives me with head scritches).  

[Novaurora]

3 hours ago, Rhovaniel said:

you can stretch out and take BOTH sides. It's the best! No one moans when you stick out a leg or arm or randomly sleep diagonally

That would be true, except...

 

This was what I woke up to this morning.  I can't complain though...i like the company.

 

Today was not great.  Long story short, I feel like a failure at everything right now.  Bad days at work only get worse when you come home to nothing...especially when the house has little reminders everywhere that someone else used to live here.

 

Thankfully one of my friends was able to come over and have dinner with me and we had some wine and some laughs and I still feel shitty, but it was a good distraction for a few hours.

 

I still have to grade, but I may just go to bed and get up early and do that.

 

Blah.  Fuck today.

[Quirky Quinn]

8 hours ago, Novaurora said:

Today was not great.  Long story short, I feel like a failure at everything right now.  Bad days at work only get worse when you come home to nothing...especially when the house has little reminders everywhere that someone else used to live here.

 

Thankfully one of my friends was able to come over and have dinner with me and we had some wine and some laughs and I still feel shitty, but it was a good distraction for a few hours.

  

I still have to grade, but I may just go to bed and get up early and do that.

 

Blah.  Fuck today.

 

I think its ok to write off shitty days as shitty.

 

You were one of the first people to welcome me when I started up my thread here with the Rangers Nova, so if nothing else you are a welcoming, awesome internet friend and I feel lucky that you are here!

 

[Salinger]

Awww wow look at those doggos!! How lovely to chill out with them in bed <3 i miss my parents dogs. So so so amazing arent they <3 

 

You had a crap day but today is a new one. I know you can get through this Nova. You are awesome and strong and wonderful. Im so lucky to have you in my life xx

[Aquarii]

I am sorry to hear things have been rough. How are you doing? Are you feeling any better today?

[Rhovaniel]

Hey @Novaurora, how are you doing? Hope you're okay

[shaar]

Hey hey

 

How's your weekend? <3 <3

 

[Novaurora]

On 10/30/2019 at 5:13 AM, Quirky Quinn said:

 

I think its ok to write off shitty days as shitty.

 

You were one of the first people to welcome me when I started up my thread here with the Rangers Nova, so if nothing else you are a welcoming, awesome internet friend and I feel lucky that you are here!

 

Awww, thanks!  Thankfully, the week got a bit better, it's just the end of the 9 weeks, so I'm hella busy with grading and had no time to update.

 

On 10/30/2019 at 5:57 AM, Salinger said:

Awww wow look at those doggos!! How lovely to chill out with them in bed <3 i miss my parents dogs. So so so amazing arent they <3 

 

You had a crap day but today is a new one. I know you can get through this Nova. You are awesome and strong and wonderful. Im so lucky to have you in my life xx

I do love a pupper snuggle.  Thank you for all your encouragement.  It was great to have this week.

 

On 11/1/2019 at 4:32 AM, Rhovaniel said:

Hey @Novaurora, how are you doing? Hope you're okay

 

On 11/2/2019 at 11:43 AM, shaar said:

Hey hey

 

How's your weekend? <3 <3

 

Thanks for checking in on me, my weekend has been AMAZING.

 

So, this week was up and down and everywhere, but it has ended spectacularly.  Did I get a lot of work done toward my goals...no, BUT did I ask for help when I needed it and come a long way in making progress toward my relationship?  Yup.  So, a win in it's own way.

 

Tuesday and Wednesday were a few of my worst days this semester.  One of my classes is literally like a pack of tornadoes, and they are very very low and 13 of them are failing, and I felt like a failure because of that.  BUT I went to my administration and asked for help, and they were supportive and did not try to turn it around on me.  An administrator was in that class later that day to get a look at my class and ask a few more questions about the kind of support I would like to see.  It was refreshing.  

 

I failed in a big way on my drinking goal this week.  Between bad days at school, trivia night, and a birthday party, I went way overboard.  I'm hoping to turn that around this week.

 

The biggest news this week was that I was able to take some huge steps in my relationship.  While my husband and I are still living apart, we did have therapy this week, and he was able to express his feelings in a way he hadn't before, and we had a really productive session.  We went out to dinner on Thursday, and he has actually been here all weekend.  It's been very reminiscent of the beginning of our relationship, and while I know it can't last forever, I hope it sparks some energy for us, and it makes me happy to know that he still wants to spend time with me, and we can enjoy that time together.

 

My goal for this week is to continue this energy and actually track and accomplish my challenge goals this week.

[The Most Loathed]

32 minutes ago, Novaurora said:

The biggest news this week was that I was able to take some huge steps in my relationship.  While my husband and I are still living apart, we did have therapy this week, and he was able to express his feelings in a way he hadn't before, and we had a really productive session.  We went out to dinner on Thursday, and he has actually been here all weekend.  It's been very reminiscent of the beginning of our relationship, and while I know it can't last forever, I hope it sparks some energy for us, and it makes me happy to know that he still wants to spend time with me, and we can enjoy that time together.

That is awesome! There will be ups and downs but, man, those ups are so good. FWIW, this was a huge thing for us as well, being able to express ourselves. Keep doing the work, you'll each be better for the time investment.