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Salinger

Salinger's twenty sixth challenge!

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50 minutes ago, shaar said:

 

I think a lot of it would depend on how she handles it... like, do they yell and scream and fight a lot?  Or is she pretty grounded and steady and doesn't let her emotions run the show?  To me, that'd make the big difference in a living environment.

 

Yeah they have big arguments and she’s very emotional person. 

 

Just think it would be a mistake, unfortunately x

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1 hour ago, Salinger said:

they have big arguments and she’s very emotional person

You need to find someone else as a roommate. If you'd live with her she'd either try to force you to drop all contact with Billy or be constantly offended by you being friends with him. Any of this isn't good. 

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17 minutes ago, aramis said:

You need to find someone else as a roommate. If you'd live with her she'd either try to force you to drop all contact with Billy or be constantly offended by you being friends with him. Any of this isn't good. 

 

Yes I think you are right xx

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Hello all how are you? its 12.30...midday, its sunny which is strange as its rained constantly for ages. 

 

Its also FREEZING. my feet are like ice cubes, even though i am wearing slippers?!

 

Anyway, im meeting my very good friend Chris later, at 3. Dont know if to drive to town or get the bus? He said he will buy me a couple of drinks. Due to me being so poor. He looks after me so much. I could cry. Im looking forward to him giving me some advice. 

 

House wise, yes i think i will be looking for spare rooms in people's houses. I dont want to live with more than person though, the thought of that makes me sick. I will look today and try to contact any one i like the look of. I did find a decent enough place, but dont think its available till Feb 2020?! Why advertise so early? haha

 

Will keep looking *sigh* 

 

I made a nice meal last night, salmon with pasta in a tomatoey sauce with sun dried tomatoes, mozzerella and feta... was pretty good!!!! I also have left overs for tonight. First DECENT meal i have cooked in a while. Ive been basically living off cereal, salad and toast. (not as one haha) 

 

I need to finish two applications this week. Also find some money from somewhere to pay rent which is drastically late. AND pack as im going to the Lakes on Saturday for my dads 60th. 

 

Im trying hard to get over this desperate sadness inside. It does feel like the whole world is crumbling around me and i cant stop it from happening. Im sort of in a frenzy, im 'hysterical' (hate that word) and im screaming but no one can hear me :(

 

Im sure it wil get better but right now, things seem sort of worse, its just that im numb to it all ... i have big things to do that i keep putting off. 

 

- Fill out my disability benefits forms and send back

- Get fucking hair cut somehow, its a disgrace. 

- Find a place to bloody live. 

- Apply for the travel grant

- Apply for Leeds exhibition

- Write Arts Council application 

- Get back windscreen washer fixed

- Take car to Honda to replace airbag (this is free as there is a fault with it)

- Give Jackson his medicine. 

- Put washing on, so many dirty clothes piled up. 

 

These are the main things needing doing....yet im putting everything off and lying on the sofa most days. Bluergh. 

 

Ok, going to work on one application for a bit xx

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Hello... its 6pm here, was dark out at 5....

 

I drove to town, took me ages to park, then had a coke and a tea in the pub. Chris had a couple of beers, i was jealous. But im home now and made the right decision to not drink. It will only make my depression much worse at the moment. 

 

Im listening to Pink Floyd and cooking dinner. Sausages, with the rest of that pasta stuff i made yesterday. 

 

I didnt really get anything done today... :( I slept, cried and slept. Then drove into town. 

 

Chris was very kind to me, bought me the drinks, hugged me, told me how im doing well and it will work out. I hope it does, cos i cant deal with this much longer really. 
 

I will work on the list tomorrow. I want to try to go for a little walk too... even if i drive to the place, sit on a bench by the water? I just need to do something...outside. Get some fresh air and see the changing colours of the leaves. 

 

I need to send application this week too as deadline is looming. Chris said he would read it for me first in case i have missed anything. 

 

I need to find £30 for petrol before Saturday. REALLY dont want to get a loan shark thing. But im getting desperate. 

 

Ok ... enough. 

 

Might have a bath if i can force myself. My hairs disgusting. :( xx

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feeling a little better than you did yesterday? (well wait a minute, not really right? I read that closer..)

 

I am just catching up.  

if your desperate are you SO sure you have to pay rent?  your being evicted anyways,aren't you??

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BTW, I'm really thinking sharky, money grabbing loans are a really bad idea-

like a FULL stop; you can't live this way sort of risk.

 

desperation is a really rough emo IMHO

 

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6 minutes ago, TGP said:

feeling a little better than you did yesterday? (well wait a minute, not really right? I read that closer..)

 

I am just catching up.  

if your desperate are you SO sure you have to pay rent?  your being evicted anyways,aren't you??

 

Chris thinks i should say i will owe the money to my landlord, and use any funds i get next week, to move out. So dont pay the rent right away?

I dont want to fall out with Ste though...or leave on bad terms. I just dont get enough  money to pay the late rent, then the new rent AND deposit for new place?!

 

6 minutes ago, TGP said:

BTW, I'm really thinking sharky, money grabbing loans are a really bad idea-

like a FULL stop; you can't live this way sort of risk.

 

desperation is a really rough emo IMHO

 

 

Yeah i already owe loan sharks, its not fun :( xx

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Just now, Salinger said:

 

Chris thinks i should say i will owe the money to my landlord, and use any funds i get next week, to move out. So dont pay the rent right away?

I dont want to fall out with Ste though...or leave on bad terms. I just dont get enough  money to pay the late rent, then the new rent AND deposit for new place?!

 

 

Yeah i already owe loan sharks, its not fun :( xx

 

Rule #1 is to survive

 

paying up stu when you have NO time to find a new place and move seems to break this rule.  its true; stu WILL likely Not be happy on you and he's made genuine overtures to leave on good terms.

 

this is Also why you Really should NOT go in with loan sharks.  its like being robbed, voluntarily, with no chance of getting it back.

 

...

if you make a short list of the MOST important things in your life

  • the Ability to have an Independent job and passion that supports your way of life
  • the Ability to live in Manchester on your own- with your own cat and in your own place
  • the Ability to do so, without harming yourself and surrounded by friends 

I worry that all three are On the line if things get worse.

 

Only YOU can tell me how badly the last 1.5weeks have been compared to other times in your life.  but as I see it: you've lost your fitness program cuz of money and stress 

and THAT

 

basically cuz of the payday Loan.

 

also- without it you would easily be able to pay stu up right?  

 

and maybe the whole eviction thing would not have happened.

 

Don't Look back and despair.  but...

if you've made some bad mistakes that have put you in a dark place... Don't make them Again!

 

please

 

<3  I get So much awesome support from you; I KNOW you can survive this.  you can do it!

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16 minutes ago, TGP said:

Only YOU can tell me how badly the last 1.5weeks have been compared to other times in your life.  but as I see it: you've lost your fitness program cuz of money and stress 

and THAT

 

 

Not as bad as it has been in the past. If this happened about 4 years ago, i would have definitely self harmed and probably just overdosed. I feel im much stronger person, more that i have friends around me who really do help me. 

 

Ill not get a payday loan, yes its stupid. 

 

Im sure it will be ok. Just need to find some money, maybe someone will need to website building? Maybe ill have my funding accepted? Maybe my fee will be paid earlier from the Nottingham job? 

 

x

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there you Go

 

Think positive! yes

 

I'm glad to hear that you're feeling stronger than in the past.  a Huge hooray for your friends.  I agree that they are Awesome!

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57 minutes ago, TGP said:

there you Go

 

Think positive! yes

 

I'm glad to hear that you're feeling stronger than in the past.  a Huge hooray for your friends.  I agree that they are Awesome!

 

I am trying yes. Straight away i think, well none of that will happen so despair despair despair!!!!!

 

So tough right now!

 

I had a nice wholesome dinner though, and i will have a bubble bath (its running at the moment) then listen to music, and also maybe watch something. 

 

Its nearly halloween and i love halloween yet im so sad i cant go out with friends, or celebrate in any way. Maybe i can watch some horror films or something? 

 

I feel im letting everyone down x

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Just now, Salinger said:

 

I feel im letting everyone down x

 

OMGness. no

 

right Now you are the Hero of the rangers.  Few people are Rangering through tougher stuff than you are!

----

I think the Hardest part of where you are at... is that on this website so often, some of us (in better situations).. usually aiming to do more on fitness and/or diet.

BUT this is Very tough in your current circumstance and you really MUST give yourself some latitude. 

 

being YOU right now, is no easy thing.

 

I will continue and Always try to remind you- less self hatred, in particular.  You are An awesome person!

sometimes that awesome person has a little less on her plate and can do a little  more, and sometimes you can't.

 

it Really is OK to be struggling right now.  I feel like I'm not saying this well enough. 

but I really don't how to say it better.

 

Its REALLY ok to be struggling.  no/less self hatred? ok.

Thank you for the update.  Enjoy your bath and your meal!

 

well talk again shortly I'm sure.

 

yours always. Jason

 

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Thank you @TGP :) so much again for being so kind. 

 

I had a lovely bath, nice and hot, listening to Pink Floyd. Pulse album, best one!!

 

I still have it on now, sat on the bed, Jackson next to me. 

 

Im thirsty but cant be bothered to move haha im cosy and comfy. If only someone could bring me some water or even better, some lemonade, which im craving. 

 

Its only 9pm, im so tired. Might look for houses. Not many new ones though....

 

xx

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Morning all. 6:45am and bloody FREEZING this morning. 

 

My sister messaged me this morn, a long (ish) message just saying to keep going and about self care tips etc. Very sweet of her and kind and made me cry a bit haha. 

 

Today i want to try get outside a bit, might help?! There is a place 5/10 mins drive from mine. Ill try to go there, even if all i do is make it to the bench by the car park...at least ill be outside!? Will try do a circular short walk though. 

 

I feel stale. Like im going off.... does that make sense? Im BORED of being depressed. I want to feel better. But i also know that forcing it, wont help. 

 

I have to finish and send an application today as well. Not much planned but here is a list to help me. 

 

- Eat breakfast. 

- Take medications. 

- Finish application, edit, send. 

- Nap. 

- Go for a walk in the park, see the trees turning colour. 

- Eat lunch. 

- Look for houses. 

- Respond to emails. 

- Promo for shows. 

- Nap if needed. 

- Drink some water throughout day. 

- Eat dinner. 

- Rest, read, watch Simpsons...

 

I think thats the main things i need to get done. Im trying not to overload myself. Trying to be kinder and self care etc. 

 

xx

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Park walk is almost always good idea. Maybe not in the middle of zombie outbreak, but apart of that... 

Anyway, go there, get some fresh air, move a bit. I'm sure this will make you feel better. And about not being depressed - you are right forcing won't help, but not doing anything won't help either. 

Have you tried writing your list on A4 size sheet of paper? Then hang it/put it on your desk and strike off every completed task. Doing so is very satisfying and builds me up when I feel down - maybe it will work for you too?

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3 hours ago, Salinger said:

 

I think thats the main things i need to get done. Im trying not to overload myself. Trying to be kinder and self care etc. 

Your plan looks really good.  I'm glad you are taking care of yourself.  Fingers crossed you find some good places to look at for housing, and that everything goes to plan!! 

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1 hour ago, aramis said:

Park walk is almost always good idea. Maybe not in the middle of zombie outbreak, but apart of that... 

Anyway, go there, get some fresh air, move a bit. I'm sure this will make you feel better. And about not being depressed - you are right forcing won't help, but not doing anything won't help either. 

Have you tried writing your list on A4 size sheet of paper? Then hang it/put it on your desk and strike off every completed task. Doing so is very satisfying and builds me up when I feel down - maybe it will work for you too?

 

Thanks Aramis. hahah i dont THINK there are any zombies around today.... 

 

I do write my lists out yes, in my make shift diary. It does feel good to tick things off xx

 

 

1 hour ago, Novaurora said:

Your plan looks really good.  I'm glad you are taking care of yourself.  Fingers crossed you find some good places to look at for housing, and that everything goes to plan!! 

 

Thanks Nova <3 

 

I actually may have a house viewing this week?! Someone got back to me...im waiting his reply to my reply about what days are good for him to meet. The house is really gorgeous so fingers crossed....!! xx

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very nervous?  or is the time a bit of a problem??

 

if everything worked out- would you have enough money to move very soon??

 

curious

 

still all my fingers and toes are crossed.... GL!

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15 minutes ago, TGP said:

very nervous?  or is the time a bit of a problem??

 

if everything worked out- would you have enough money to move very soon??

 

curious

 

still all my fingers and toes are crossed.... GL!

 

 

Nervous sick !! 

 

If I don’t pay the last month rent here... I can move in a few weeks yes. 

 

Thanks !!!! Xx

 

13 minutes ago, aramis said:

Sick/nervous about seeing the house or your cold got worse?

 

Very anxious, it looks to be a lovely house from the photos!!!! It has a wood burner :o xx

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I understand high hopes, but try to take it easy (I know, it's easier said than done). Out of my own experience I can say it will be way less lovely in person than on the photos. But you want to rent a house, not a picture. Define your hard limits and if the house meets them, take it. If not, bail out. It's better to take more time searching than walking onto a landmine. I know, I did it couple times (buying cars, but still...). 

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Thanks for the advice ! :) I’ll calm myself down hehe

 

 

OH GUYS I messed up badly :( I put the fire on as I was so cold ... lay on the sofa and Jules got on me and we both fell asleep!!!!??? I woke up and it was dark out - I missed my walk. 

 

I feel a right idiot. But I will try again tomorrow. 

 

Annoying when  the sun sets so early, it’s literally pitch black and it’s 5:15!? 

 

Not sure what to eat tonight... don’t have much in. Probably have a salad. Chicken salad perhaps. 

 

Oh and everton are on at 8pm, so they are able to ruin my life further. I’ll still watch, I must be masochistic :P 

 

feeling a bit ok ... with the viewing tmoro and stuff. Maybe maybe maybe I’ll like the place and the guy will be nice and I can sort something. No worries if not though I guess. 

 

Xx

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