Zaethe: Shieldmaiden's Saga [Ch.01]

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

8 hours ago, Zaethe said:

Weekends in a gated community kinda suck for the grouchy.  All I wanna do is curl up in some peace and quiet and catnap in the sunshine streaming in through the window, because my hips actually feel okay right now.  But upstairs has a kid who loves to run in the house on the weekends, three doors down has forgotten that other people live in units attached to theirs, and has cranked their stereo to 11, the other upstairs neighbours are being as loud and obnoxious as they usually are, which mostly includes them having shouted conversations from the base of the outdoor stairs to inside their unit.

 

It's gonna be a long, noisy day.

As my mother says, "Some folks a'int got no brung-up-ness."

[Zaethe]

16 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

As my mother says, "Some folks a'int got no brung-up-ness."

 

Ain't that the truth!

 

Also that is adorably quaint, and reminds me why I'm fond of the southern states in general.  Been a long time since I've been in that corner of the world

[Zaethe]

I'm starting to feel like I go through an existential crisis about once a week.  It's getting very tiresome.

 

In the end though, I have no one to blame for it but myself.  The things I'm lacking in my world, consistency and discipline, are things that I can actively input into my daily life with a little mindfulness.  Well, more than a little mindfulness.  It takes discipline to develop discipline, it's a bit of a revolving door that one.

 

But the fact is, I'm 31 and I'm still kind of just skimming through life without touching much of it.  I'm dithering back and forth on this, and changing decisions so regularly I might as well not make them.  It's become so common for me to get motivated in a space and time where action isn't a possibility, mentally commit to making a change, going to sleep, then continuing life as if none of that had happened until a few days later, where I do it all over again.  It's honestly part of myself that I'm really ashamed of.  I have such a heavy reputation for stubborness and being mule headed, but given anything I commit to on my own steam, I just flop out on it.  I don't like that about myself.

 

A large part of this problem is anxiety, which I'm learning has a much tighter hold over my life than I thought it did.  I commit to something, and then I overthink it.  Should I do it this way, or that.  How much time and dedication should I put it.  Then I start to worry about finding a balance so that I don't burn out, or injure myself.  Then I fuss over all the possible ways that could happen.  It leads to being perpetually stuck in place.  I feel like I haven't grown in a lot of ways since I was a teenager.  Physically, emotionally, yes.  But there's so many pieces missing.  I've dropped a lot of passions over the years, and when I look back I can't explain why I did.  They just fell off by the wayside.  Things that to this day I consider important.  I haven't pushed myself intellectually in years.  Hobbies have been tucked away on shelves and just forgotten about.  Sometimes I genuinely feel like what there is of me that's purely me has diminished down so much that I can't actually quite find it, and the rest is the amalgam of societal, parental, platonic and romantic expectation.

 

I feel like I ramble about these things to pick my way through them to solutions.  But I'm not sure I have one for this, outside of get my shit together and commit properly to something. 

[Whisper]

6 hours ago, Zaethe said:

I feel like I ramble about these things to pick my way through them to solutions.  But I'm not sure I have one for this, outside of get my shit together and commit properly to something. 

I think lot of us here can relate to this. We take some steps forward, we take some backwards, but at least here, even when we falter, we are trying to do and become better.  You're not content to just let things stay the way they are, that puts you ahead of most people. So keep coming back, keep trying to get your shit together, and know that we'll still be here for you when inevitably some of the shit falls apart again.

[Zaethe]

15 hours ago, Whisper said:

I think lot of us here can relate to this. We take some steps forward, we take some backwards, but at least here, even when we falter, we are trying to do and become better.  You're not content to just let things stay the way they are, that puts you ahead of most people. So keep coming back, keep trying to get your shit together, and know that we'll still be here for you when inevitably some of the shit falls apart again.

 

Thanks, it's definitely appreciated

 

My big overall issue with it though is the wishy washy nature of the way I've been doing things.  I don't even commit until it fails.  I make a momentary commitment and then alter my approach/change my commitment before I've even had time to gauge whether it's worthwhile or not.  It's incredibly unproductive.  I might not be content to let things stay how they are, but with that approach I'm making a regular cycle of changes that have zero impact whatsoever.  I'm still sitting at the exact same weight I was three months ago, because I keep flip flopping around before I actually do anything.

[Zaethe]

The weekend has been....loud.  Today I had enough of the upstairs neighbours having shouty conversations at each other with one of them outside and the other inside the house, got in the car and went to my Dad's place.  Played a little Skyrim, stayed for dinner.  Finally got home at 9pm.  Safe to say that I definitely got myself outside today.  Ate lunch and dinner, didn't do the dishes, didn't drink 4l of water.  

 

The water thing is on track to become a problem.  We're hitting that time of year where staying hydrated matters even more.  I need to commit and get on top of this now, before I spend half of my favourite season in bed with heat exhaustion.

[Zaethe]

I thought I'd beaten the system, it was 11pm and I was SO tired.  Settled down, let my body relax, closed my eyes.... and my joints said

 

 

So now I'm back to shuffling from hip to hip in varying angles, just trying to find enough exhaustion to pass out.  Yay.  This is the biggest killer of my motivation. 

[Zaethe]

I'm being a grumpy baby because I'm fed up of these nights.  It's every night now.  I hate waking up at 11.  I hate not falling asleep til the sun's starting to come up.  I hate needing to be so tired I feel nauseous to be able to ignore the pain in my hips and shoulders enough to get some sleep.

 

[fleaball]

Sad face at all of your recent posts. I wish we could help.

[Zaethe]

38 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Sad face at all of your recent posts. I wish we could help.

 

I've been using my thread as kind of a venting board for a lot of frustration for a few days.  I promise that my days aren't without good points too  The venting about it really helps.

[Zaethe]

I just woke up from the weirdest dream I've had in a while.  The main theme was that I had to take my Dad's cat to the vet, but his carry box had turned into a clear plastic briefcase type thing, with holes large enough for a kitty in the top around the handle.  So I had to walk him there with one hand stuck in the hole because he kept jumping out and trying to ride horses at the sanctuary we were walking past.

[fleaball]

13 minutes ago, Zaethe said:

 

I've been using my thread as kind of a venting board for a lot of frustration for a few days.  I promise that my days aren't without good points too  The venting about it really helps.

Totally get it, I do the same. It still sucks when a friend is struggling and there's nothing that can be done though. 

[Zaethe]

11 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Totally get it, I do the same. It still sucks when a friend is struggling and there's nothing that can be done though. 

 

It really does.  The fact that you want to help means as much as any actual help that could exist though.  Thankyou

 

[Zaethe]

Note to self: oatmeal is delicious and filling and just as simple to make as any of the junk food you would usually gravitate to.  Eat more oatmeal.

[Whisper]

5 hours ago, Zaethe said:

Note to self: oatmeal is delicious and filling and just as simple to make as any of the junk food you would usually gravitate to.  Eat more oatmeal.

These are wise words. I should get me some oatmeal too.

[Zaethe]

1 hour ago, Whisper said:

These are wise words. I should get me some oatmeal too.

 

I have discovered that if I put chunks of frozen mango into the bowl while I'm heating it, the hot mango is so crazy sweet that any other form of sweetener is not needed.  It's been a real gem of information!

[Bean Sidhe]

Popping in to say Hi. Its starting to get cold here and I just started back to oatmeal for breakfast. Its not as easy since I can't eat it while driving, but I am getting there. I never thought about putting mango in it, but then again, in corn desert, mangos are harder to find.

However, I totally want to say I get the overthinking and anxiety problems. I am there with you. If you come up with a solution let me know.

You have your shield, you got this.

[Zaethe]

2 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

Popping in to say Hi. Its starting to get cold here and I just started back to oatmeal for breakfast. Its not as easy since I can't eat it while driving, but I am getting there. I never thought about putting mango in it, but then again, in corn desert, mangos are harder to find.

However, I totally want to say I get the overthinking and anxiety problems. I am there with you. If you come up with a solution let me know.

You have your shield, you got this.

 

I'm not a fan of most fruits, it's a texture thing.  Apples and mangoes are pretty much it, watermelon used to be right up the top of the list but I'm allergic, my poor broken heart!  And I'm not a fan of the apple in oatmeal thing, had a bag of frozen mango for smoothies and figured what the hell, give it a try.  Turns out warm mango is insanely sweet, and I made an excellent choice  it sucks that mangoes are harder to find for you!  I'm sure there's a ton of tasty things there too though.

 

If I ever find a solution you guys will be the first to know about it, since you're usually the fist to know about the overthinking anyway. 

 

Right now my big thing has been giving myself the okay to feel my feels.  Growing up this was 100% not okay, and I spent most of my life bottling everything until it imploded, recovering, then doing the whole thing again.  It got worse last year, with mum, spoilers for excess detail.

 

Spoiler

Mum did a two year miracle job of hiding how bad things were getting with her cancer, and didn't let me know anything much until she admitted over halfway through her last chemo cycle that they'd given this cycle a 90% failure rate.  I got on a plane and had to immediately step into a carer role, I mean literally, I walked in the door and had to have my brother carry in my luggage while I emptied vomit bowls and held her hand while the nurses gave her more pain meds.  She lasted less than a month after I got there, and by the end I was physically carrying her to and from the bathroom, pretty much.  She wasn't eating and still throwing up anyway. 

 

It was rough.  My sister was insistent that she wasn't as bad as I said she was, and my brother was in denial that this round of chemo wasn't going to work.  So I had to shoulder the burden of my mother's heartbreak at her children dismissing her, and try to be a positive space in a world where she knew she was dying and was terrified.  Then when she passed, my grandmother was more interested in selling off my mother's furniture and bulkier items to recoup debts that she owed my grandmother.  My sister only cared about going through her jewellery, and my brother just wasn't dealing with it, period.  So a lot of getting things arranged, setting her affairs in order, telling people, all of the legwork, fell on my shoulders.  And in that situation there's nothing to be done but roll up your sleeves and throw yourself into it.

 

By the time I got back to Aus I was so numb to what I was actually feeling that it took almost a year to actually feel all of that buildup, and it hit me like a mack truck.  While I was driving on the highway.  I managed to get over onto the shoulder and spent about five hours there just screaming at my steering wheel.  I still haven't addressed all of that grief properly.  I don't know if I ever will.

 

So recently, knowing that the last year and a half I've been absolutely not dealing with my own emotions, and dealing with everyone else's stuff as a pseudo distraction, it had to change.  So now instead of ignoring when I'm feeling overwhelmed until it goes away and I can stop thinking about it, I take a few minutes and I say to myself "I'm being a grumpy baby."  it's not mocking, it just vibes most with the way I'm feeling at the time.  And acknowledging it out loud is like actualising it, it gives me permission - in essence - to have a small tantrum, feel like a grumpy baby with no guilt attached, expel that negativity.  Then I pick myself back up and I get on with what I have to do.  

 

It's not a perfect system, but humans aren't either.  We're just muddling through from one memorable experience to the next.  I've got my hopes set on the next one being a positive one.

[Whisper]

That is a lot of heavy shit to have gone through, and yeah, it is going to take time and work to get back to any sort of balance. I like your system for expelling the negativity rather than letting it fester. 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

I'm glad you've started letting yourself feel your emotions. It sucks having to deal with people who don't know how to feel.

[Bean Sidhe]

20 hours ago, Zaethe said:

  Reveal hidden contents

Mum did a two year miracle job of hiding how bad things were getting with her cancer, and didn't let me know anything much until she admitted over halfway through her last chemo cycle that they'd given this cycle a 90% failure rate.  I got on a plane and had to immediately step into a carer role, I mean literally, I walked in the door and had to have my brother carry in my luggage while I emptied vomit bowls and held her hand while the nurses gave her more pain meds.  She lasted less than a month after I got there, and by the end I was physically carrying her to and from the bathroom, pretty much.  She wasn't eating and still throwing up anyway. 

 

It was rough.  My sister was insistent that she wasn't as bad as I said she was, and my brother was in denial that this round of chemo wasn't going to work.  So I had to shoulder the burden of my mother's heartbreak at her children dismissing her, and try to be a positive space in a world where she knew she was dying and was terrified.  Then when she passed, my grandmother was more interested in selling off my mother's furniture and bulkier items to recoup debts that she owed my grandmother.  My sister only cared about going through her jewellery, and my brother just wasn't dealing with it, period.  So a lot of getting things arranged, setting her affairs in order, telling people, all of the legwork, fell on my shoulders.  And in that situation there's nothing to be done but roll up your sleeves and throw yourself into it.

 

By the time I got back to Aus I was so numb to what I was actually feeling that it took almost a year to actually feel all of that buildup, and it hit me like a mack truck.  While I was driving on the highway.  I managed to get over onto the shoulder and spent about five hours there just screaming at my steering wheel.  I still haven't addressed all of that grief properly.  I don't know if I ever will.

 

So recently, knowing that the last year and a half I've been absolutely not dealing with my own emotions, and dealing with everyone else's stuff as a pseudo distraction, it had to change.

 

 

I can totally relate and will be the first one to tell you that having to put you and your emotions on hold to get stuff done is understandable.  While I was not my Dad's caregiver in a similar way, I know the "grief has to wait while I take care of"  and the lack of family support to help with any of it. I think your doing great letting yourself have the emotions now and processing it and then moving on.

*Hugs* I won't say I know what you are going through, but I get it. I think you are doing great and will continue to tell you that.

[Zaethe]

On 10/31/2019 at 2:33 AM, Whisper said:

That is a lot of heavy shit to have gone through, and yeah, it is going to take time and work to get back to any sort of balance. I like your system for expelling the negativity rather than letting it fester. 

 

My life story reads like a Spanish melodrama   I've learned over time to find the silver linings thankfully!  Thanks  

 

On 10/31/2019 at 4:11 AM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I'm glad you've started letting yourself feel your emotions. It sucks having to deal with people who don't know how to feel.

 

It does, but it's one of those facts of life.  I try to show compassion regardless of reciprocation, it can be very draining if it's over a long period of time but I sleep better at night that way.  I'm glad too  

 

On 10/31/2019 at 8:27 PM, Bean Sidhe said:

 

I can totally relate and will be the first one to tell you that having to put you and your emotions on hold to get stuff done is understandable.  While I was not my Dad's caregiver in a similar way, I know the "grief has to wait while I take care of"  and the lack of family support to help with any of it. I think your doing great letting yourself have the emotions now and processing it and then moving on.

*Hugs* I won't say I know what you are going through, but I get it. I think you are doing great and will continue to tell you that.

 

*Hugs*  I know, the stories aren't exactly the same but we both have aspects we can relate to.  If you ever want a shoulder just to vent, I listen well and am good at not forcing unsolicited advice on people  

 

For what it's worth, knowing how hard going through that was for me, you're doing an amazing job of handling everything the universe is throwing at you.

[Zaethe]

Note to self:  Don't stop taking your anti anxiety meds.  Even if you think it won't hurt for a day or two.  You're doing fine because they haven't left your system yet.  When they do you will regret everything.  Don't do that!

[Zaethe]

So as the above, some clever idiot didn't take her meds pretty much all week.  This resulted in a five day slow descent into my own personal hell.  It wasn't fun!  My room looks like I've just been through a major depressive episode and I've barely moved out of bed for three days.  Not good.  At all.  So I have taken my meds, I've touched base with a friend and asked her to check in with me for a few days to make sure I'm still taking my meds.  I've but the slide of pills actually on my mattress next to where my phone sits, so I can see them and take them immediately in the morning.

 

I can't afford these kinds of disasters, in the long run.  I know it's only a week and I'm back on track, but if it happens at least once a month then it's 12 weeks a year.  And that's a pretty optimistic estimation of how often.  And every time I backslide.  I'm back over the 180kg mark.  I've been on a mad binge for two days.  I ate an entire cheesecake.  With a spoon.  While sitting in bed.  These aren't the activities of a healthy, stable person.  I can't keep doing this, I'm going to end up having a heart attack before I'm 33.  I keep thinking there's a lock somewhere in my brain that will just click one day and I'll stop with this nonsense, but even if that were true I can't keep waiting for my headspace to catch up, I'm gonna have to fake it til I make it.  That or have an anxiety attack about every twinge in my chest.

[Whisper]

1 hour ago, Zaethe said:

I've been on a mad binge for two days.  I ate an entire cheesecake.  With a spoon.  While sitting in bed.  These aren't the activities of a healthy, stable person.  I can't keep doing this, I'm going to end up having a heart attack before I'm 33.  I keep thinking there's a lock somewhere in my brain that will just click one day and I'll stop with this nonsense, but even if that were true I can't keep waiting for my headspace to catch up, I'm gonna have to fake it til I make it.  That or have an anxiety attack about every twinge in my chest.

I struggle with binge eating too. Particularly in bed. (What is up with that?)

 

Trying to train myself not to eat in bed at all, and while I don't say that I "can't have" anything, there are some things I'm learning  not to buy more of than I am comfortable eating in a single sittings, 'cause I will end up eating it all at once.