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Zaethe: Shieldmaiden's Saga [Ch.01]


Zaethe

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It's been...a week.  I don't quite know what to say about it other than that.  There have been some major mental health breakthroughs in the last week, some acceptance of old diagnoses, and I'm slowly getting my feet under me to open the doors to this particular closet.  Longwinded stuff in spoilers, nutshell version not.

 

Spoiler

So, when I was 23 I was diagnosed with gender identity disorder.  I came out, lived as male for almost a year in relative comfort.  But my mother was absolutely having none of it.  It was completely unacceptable for her children to be anywhere on the lgbt spectrum whatsoever.  And while technically I was an adult, after a very tempestuous relationship with my mother throughout my life I was still in a position where she could severely get under my skin and do some major damage.  So the demeaning, the dismissive comments, the all around psychological browbeating began.  Until it got to a point where I caved.  It was easier to cope with the deep unhappiness I'd already dealt with my entire life, rather than have this constant barrage of pure vitriol.  So I stopped, I put on a skirt and an over the top smile, and I got on with my shit.  

 

And I've had episodes over the past few years where the absolute misery has been overwhelming.  I've not been in a physical, intimate relationship (or even casual encounter) for a decade, because I can't handle being touched intimately.  I avoid mirrors at all costs.  Part of why I gained so much weight, the belief is, because fat people are generally not viewed as sexual object of a respective gender.  I grasped at what self preservation I had and made do with the rest.

 

But some things you just can't change about yourself, and they tend to give you away to people who take the time to pay attention to those sorts of things.  Recently I made a friend, lovely gay guy, I call him my fairy gaymother.  And when my brother was here my internal battery just drained completely and I needed some form of comfort, which he offered by way of snugs.  I love snugs, skin hunger is a real thing, and an offer of platonic snugs was just what I needed.  So we hung out, I got a couple of hours of cuddles where we both refueled our comfort meter, and I went back home.  And during a conversation after that I don't quite recall how we got onto the topic he said to me "You know, I get way more gay guy vibe off of you than I do girl"  and my instantaneous reaction was 

 

giphy.gif

 

Which then turned into a bit of a spiral mental healthwise, and re-evaluating everything about my life.  Because it had been so long, that I'd convinced myself that the psychiatrist had been wrong, and that I was fine and everything was fine and dandy, then this ripped down the proverbial green screen and gave me front row seats to the wasteland of unhappiness that I'm just living with every day.  I don't go out, I don't want people to see me, I don't maintain healthy habits, I don't take care of myself the way I should, I'm self destructive because I'm so at odds with what I'm doing to deal with my life every day.

 

So I sat and I bawled like a child for a couple of days.  I was crying myself to sleep and waking up already crying, just expelling all of this negativity I've been harbouring for myself.  And when I'd cried myself out, I reached out to friends of mine.  Friends in similar situations who could help me understand whether what I was feeling was just a momentary thing or whether it was a deeper issue I needed to work on.  

 

And not to put too blunt of a point on it, but mother has passed now, I don't have that toxicity there.  But the fear lingers.  When you've been so viciously shunned, the terror of not being accepted is paralyzing.

 

But I've talked to my closest friends, who all still love me.  And my brother knows, and he supports me (and after discussing the things I went through now has a greater understanding of the rough relationship I had with our mother).  There are people I'm not planning to tell just yet, like my dad who absolutely will not understand.  But for now I'm going to be taking steps out of my personal hell closet, and working on accepting myself for the guy that I am, instead of forcing myself to live a life that brings me no happiness.

 

 

Nutshell:  After a crazy crazy ride, I'm learning to accept that I'm transgender, and all that encompasses.  And it feels better.

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Fight your foes in the field, nor be burnt in your house.

 

 

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25 minutes ago, Zaethe said:

It's been...a week.  I don't quite know what to say about it other than that.  There have been some major mental health breakthroughs in the last week, some acceptance of old diagnoses, and I'm slowly getting my feet under me to open the doors to this particular closet.  Longwinded stuff in spoilers, nutshell version not.

 

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So, when I was 23 I was diagnosed with gender identity disorder.  I came out, lived as male for almost a year in relative comfort.  But my mother was absolutely having none of it.  It was completely unacceptable for her children to be anywhere on the lgbt spectrum whatsoever.  And while technically I was an adult, after a very tempestuous relationship with my mother throughout my life I was still in a position where she could severely get under my skin and do some major damage.  So the demeaning, the dismissive comments, the all around psychological browbeating began.  Until it got to a point where I caved.  It was easier to cope with the deep unhappiness I'd already dealt with my entire life, rather than have this constant barrage of pure vitriol.  So I stopped, I put on a skirt and an over the top smile, and I got on with my shit.  

 

And I've had episodes over the past few years where the absolute misery has been overwhelming.  I've not been in a physical, intimate relationship (or even casual encounter) for a decade, because I can't handle being touched intimately.  I avoid mirrors at all costs.  Part of why I gained so much weight, the belief is, because fat people are generally not viewed as sexual object of a respective gender.  I grasped at what self preservation I had and made do with the rest.

 

But some things you just can't change about yourself, and they tend to give you away to people who take the time to pay attention to those sorts of things.  Recently I made a friend, lovely gay guy, I call him my fairy gaymother.  And when my brother was here my internal battery just drained completely and I needed some form of comfort, which he offered by way of snugs.  I love snugs, skin hunger is a real thing, and an offer of platonic snugs was just what I needed.  So we hung out, I got a couple of hours of cuddles where we both refueled our comfort meter, and I went back home.  And during a conversation after that I don't quite recall how we got onto the topic he said to me "You know, I get way more gay guy vibe off of you than I do girl"  and my instantaneous reaction was 

 

giphy.gif

 

Which then turned into a bit of a spiral mental healthwise, and re-evaluating everything about my life.  Because it had been so long, that I'd convinced myself that the psychiatrist had been wrong, and that I was fine and everything was fine and dandy, then this ripped down the proverbial green screen and gave me front row seats to the wasteland of unhappiness that I'm just living with every day.  I don't go out, I don't want people to see me, I don't maintain healthy habits, I don't take care of myself the way I should, I'm self destructive because I'm so at odds with what I'm doing to deal with my life every day.

 

So I sat and I bawled like a child for a couple of days.  I was crying myself to sleep and waking up already crying, just expelling all of this negativity I've been harbouring for myself.  And when I'd cried myself out, I reached out to friends of mine.  Friends in similar situations who could help me understand whether what I was feeling was just a momentary thing or whether it was a deeper issue I needed to work on.  

 

And not to put too blunt of a point on it, but mother has passed now, I don't have that toxicity there.  But the fear lingers.  When you've been so viciously shunned, the terror of not being accepted is paralyzing.

 

But I've talked to my closest friends, who all still love me.  And my brother knows, and he supports me (and after discussing the things I went through now has a greater understanding of the rough relationship I had with our mother).  There are people I'm not planning to tell just yet, like my dad who absolutely will not understand.  But for now I'm going to be taking steps out of my personal hell closet, and working on accepting myself for the guy that I am, instead of forcing myself to live a life that brings me no happiness.

 

 

Nutshell:  After a crazy crazy ride, I'm learning to accept that I'm transgender, and all that encompasses.  And it feels better.

Life is always easier when you accept yourself, and all that being truly you really means.

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19 minutes ago, Zaethe said:

When you've been so viciously shunned, the terror of not being accepted is paralyzing.

While my situation is not the same, I understand to a point.  My relationship with my father was performance-based. If I acted & did exactly what he wanted, I was accepted. If I did not, I was brow-beaten.

My father is gone now, but his voice is still there inside my head at times. Thank God it is weaker now; but it definitely resurfaces during job interviews. Something I need to conquer.

Working through the baggage we carry in order to shed it is exhausting, both mentally & physically. *hugs*

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10 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Life is always easier when you accept yourself, and all that being truly you really means.

 

Agreed.  It's a process, I've got to undo years of mental scarring, but actively choosing to work on it is a big step.

 

10 minutes ago, fitnessgurl said:

While my situation is not the same, I understand to a point.  My relationship with my father was performance-based. If I acted & did exactly what he wanted, I was accepted. If I did not, I was brow-beaten.

My father is gone now, but his voice is still there inside my head at times. Thank God it is weaker now; but it definitely resurfaces during job interviews. Something I need to conquer.

Working through the baggage we carry in order to shed it is exhausting, both mentally & physically. *hugs*

 

Yeah, shaking off the voice is a real challenge.  I've been getting it every time a friend stumbles on a name or a pronoun.  It's totally fine to me that they do, and then I have my mother's voice in the back of my head verbally whaling on me for making the lives of people around me difficult.

 

Hooray for handling our baggage! *hug*

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Fight your foes in the field, nor be burnt in your house.

 

 

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)I have a few thoughts I want to share, and if it Doesn't add it, I'm sorry. I'm totally feeling the sedative kicking it, but don't want to leave a response hanging.

 

1. SciShow (YouTube channel) just did w video on how sex, from a genetic XX/XY or physical boy bits / girl bits perspective isn't nearly as binary as people tend to think.

 

2. Fist, she was Gabriella, then he was Michael, now they(?) are Rowen. If I'm having trouble keeping track of the name or pronoun, that's my problem, not their's, though I will beg grace where it is needed.

 

3. Why do so many of us have shitty mothers? I pray that with time you will be able to move past the voice and embrace yourself as a beautiful, complicated, child of our heavenly Father.

 

God Loves You, and So So I

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We are not sinners trespassing in the garden of an angry God.

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Put together enough small wins over a long enough period of time,

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Woah, challenge is almost over.  The fuck?

 

I'm gonna update now because nothing is gonna change much in the next couple of days.

 

While I did a fair job of maintaining my stuff, if I'm honest the entire challenge went out of the window about the time my brother arrived.  It's been a bit of a hell ride ever since, more ups and downs than a rollercoaster.

 

Mostly I just feel like so much of my life is in stasis still.  What I'm perpetually learning about my body is that my caloric intake really doesn't seem to matter as much as my activity level.  I legitimately can't explain this in the slightest.  I've done all the math, I know my tdee, I've tracked everything religiously time and again and no matter what I do, until I hit some fairly unhealthy things, like major caloric deficits, I don't see much movement on the scale or on the measuring tape.  But get up and be active and it just seems to fall off.  The only time I actually dropped any real weight this year was when I got pneumonia and was coughing so hard I was throwing up anything I ate, so I just stopped eating.  I really need to combine activity with my regular eating habits, which are relatively healthy to begin with.  But until I've seen this specialist, I'm incredibly leery on what I can and can't do, especially with my finances and personal issues.  I don't want to be doing something that I really just shouldn't be doing cause it's going to make stuff worse.  So I've been limiting myself to short walks and housework, and it doesn't really seem to be doing much at all.

 

In an ideal world I'd like to move back to a bodyweight/weightlifting focus, but I need some professional say so on what is reasonable strain to put my joints under.  Til then I'm trying to work on some isolations and seeing how I go.

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Congrats on starting to sort stuff out! I know some things are still going to be difficult but I hope a lot more falls into place. 

 

I feel you on not telling your dad. I'm never coming out to my father unless absolutely necessary, and I only came out to my mother because whoops, she was dying, and I didn't want to live the rest of my life wondering if *I* was the asshole for assuming she'd be a bitch about it and never telling her. (I was not the asshole.) So yeah. Solidarity.

 

A while ago you were talking about getting a pool membership for low impact exercise. Is that still a possibility or is it a super hard nope because bathing suits and body issues? Is there somewhere you could go swimming in like board shorts and a t-shirt? 

 

On 11/23/2019 at 1:35 AM, Whisper said:

Why do so many of us have shitty mothers?

The universe had to find a way to nerf us because otherwise we'd be too awesome for it to handle. We're still awesome, obv, just taking longer to reach our final forms.

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2 hours ago, fleaball said:

A while ago you were talking about getting a pool membership for low impact exercise. Is that still a possibility or is it a super hard nope because bathing suits and body issues? Is there somewhere you could go swimming in like board shorts and a t-shirt? 

 

Honestly, I don't know.  There's actually a pool here on the grounds, but the sign says "appropriate swimming attire only" and I don't know what they define as appropriate, whether that just means no skinny dipping or no clothing as well.  So I have to call them and ask.  If so it would be both helpful and free.  If not, then it's more of an issue.  When I was going to before I was living with my dad, now I  have rent and utilities that I have to pay, which limits my disposable income.  And other things end up taking priority, like, food.  So I have to sort out my budget properly, but it may be feasible.

 

 

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Question! Are we officially using he/him now? Or something else that's not she/her? I sometimes talk about NF with my therapist and want to get things right if you come up. (eg months ago, "I was talking with someone about pools and exercise...")

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7 hours ago, fleaball said:

Question! Are we officially using he/him now? Or something else that's not she/her? I sometimes talk about NF with my therapist and want to get things right if you come up. (eg months ago, "I was talking with someone about pools and exercise...")

 

He/him yes please.  Slips happen and I'm not gonna go to war over it, but would definitely appreciate he/him

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Fight your foes in the field, nor be burnt in your house.

 

 

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Not to steal anything here but

 

On 11/28/2019 at 1:50 AM, fleaball said:

The universe had to find a way to nerf us because otherwise we'd be too awesome for it to handle. We're still awesome, obv, just taking longer to reach our final forms.

Truth. This is what I view Rebels as sometimes. People that have a longer way to go due to whatever other obstacles are in our way, but we get there.

 

For the record, Be you.  Still here no matter what because you are awesome and a great friend. Although I apologize now for any slips while I do  the global find and replace in my head (That can sometimes take a bit to get them all).

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