Teros 58: Balance

[Teros]

I'm not working my second job anymore.  This means no having to stay awake until midnight, getting home and eating and not falling asleep until 2am.  It means that I can have a normal sleep pattern again.  It means I'm less stressed.

 

I'm also finishing up the last of the house projects.  All I have besides some white trim to paint in the hallway is the big kitchen revamp but I'm going to wait until after the holidays for that.  I'm not sick anymore.  Back pain is sort of just around all the time a little bit.  Eating is doing fine.  But I think I can tighten up more on having a stricter schedule.  I still waste WAY too much time on youtube and don't come on here enough and my studying has been slacking.  My goals this challenge are to maintain a schedule/balance.  It will look like this (with some refinement):

 

Sunday: Free to hangout/project/cook?

Monday: Gym, Work, Study Flashcards.

Tuesday: Gym, Work, Study Flashcards, Lady Hangout.

Wednesday: Gym, Work, Study Flashcards, Lady Hangout.

Thursday: Gym, Work, Study Flashcards.

Friday: Gym, Study Flashcards, Lady Hangout.

Saturday: Free to hangout/project/cook?

 

Weekends, Monday, and Thursday evening are all options for NF and something creative.  I'll have a little more written as I iron out the details of the schedule.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

I'm glad you are down to one job, that was really hard on you working two.

[WolfDreamer]

I quit my part-time job back in September, and it was actually liberating. I'll miss it because it really was the easiest part-time job I've ever had and could probably ever have. But I don't have to adjust my life to work shifts for that job anymore. I can focus on my career, schoolwork, and my family.

[Korranation]

On 10/26/2019 at 12:05 PM, Teros said:

I'm not working my second job anymore.  This means no having to stay awake until midnight, getting home and eating and not falling asleep until 2am.  It means that I can have a normal sleep pattern again.  It means I'm less stressed.

Yay for more sleep and less stress!

 

You've got this!

[Sciread77]

Welcome back! I’m glad you’re down to one job too. You’ve been missed. 

[Aquarii]

On 10/26/2019 at 1:05 PM, Teros said:

I still waste WAY too much time on youtube and don't come on here enough and my studying has been slacking. 

 

My life described in one sentence, haha.

[Teros]

 

On 10/26/2019 at 4:03 PM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I'm glad you are down to one job, that was really hard on you working two.

 

I'm also glad I'm not holding cups of dude's piss while I do tox screens while being sleep-deprived for less money than my other job (which gives me 2 weeks vacation, sick time, and personal days).

 

The biggest thing though, is the sleep.  I would get out of work at 11 or 12 and then I needed to unwind and I was stressed; which is what would make me want to go eat candy and stay up for another 2+ hours; meaning I wouldn't fall asleep until about 2am.  I'm a lark - I ALWAYS wake up early whether I want to or not.  Falling asleep by 2am and naturally waking up at 5-6amish was messing with me.  Factor in that I would need to try and stay up late-ish on other nights before I worked in order to balance out my sleeping meant that I as chronically under-sleeping.  I need 8 hours but I almost never get it.  With this evening job, it was throwing off my overall sleep and me getting 4-5 and that MIGHT also be broken sleep.

 

On 10/26/2019 at 7:53 PM, WolfDreamer said:

I quit my part-time job back in September, and it was actually liberating. I'll miss it because it really was the easiest part-time job I've ever had and could probably ever have. But I don't have to adjust my life to work shifts for that job anymore. I can focus on my career, schoolwork, and my family.

 

 

That's the thing - it wasn't actually *hard* work, but it also fucked up my entire sleep schedule.  It wasn't worth the minimum wage.

 

On 10/29/2019 at 5:18 PM, Korranation said:

Yay for more sleep and less stress!

 

You've got this!

 

With my week wrap-up, I think I do!

 

19 hours ago, Sciread77 said:

Welcome back! I’m glad you’re down to one job too. You’ve been missed. 

 

Thanks - it feels like since I started school years ago; I've been mostly MIA from NF.  Then the summer was trying to deal with schoolwork and get my life in order after finally dealing with my mom dying during my last term in school.  I think that not bothering with this evening job and stabilizing everything else is the final nail in the coffin I needed to get my shit together.  Details below.

 

11 hours ago, Aquarii said:

 

My life described in one sentence, haha.

 

It's getting better.  Just this past week without that job has made a huge difference.

 

-------

 

Ok WOW.  I knew that the 2nd job was fucking with my sleep but I didn't notice just how insane it was doing it until this past week of me getting my shit together.  I posted before about having a schedule and then me ironing it out shortly.  Well I think I did that.  Here's the draft:

 

Sunday: Study/School Project - (No hangouts until 2pm)

Monday: Morning Routine*, Work, Either: JJ hangout or NF or Art

Tuesday: Morning Routine, Work, Either: Abby hangout or NF or Art

Wednesday: Morning Routine, Work, Either JJ hangoout or NF or Art

Thursday: Morning Routine, Work, NF and Art

Friday: Morning Routine, Batch cooking, Errands, Chores, Either: JJ hangout or NF or Art

Saturday: Study/School Project - (No hangouts until 2pm)

 

 

*Morning Routine* refers to the following:  Wake up at 5am, make protein shake, go to the bathroom, go to the gym, exercise, come home, drink protein shake, heat up breakfast, shower, breakfast is done once I'm out of the shower, eat while drying off, get dressed.

 

I wake up at 5am every day.  Bed it 9/10pm.  Here's what I am trying to do/going to be doing as I build up my schedule:

 

Week 1 - Eating: Whatever --- Gym: 3x week --- NF: Whatever --- Art: Whatever --- School: Whatever

Week 2 - Eating: Whatever --- Gym: 5x week --- NF: Whatever --- Art: Whatever --- School: Whatever

Week 3 - Eating: Whole 30 --- Gym: 5x week --- NF: 1x week --- Art: 1x week --- School: Whatever

Week 4 - Eating: Whole 30 --- Gym: 5x week --- NF: 1x week --- Art: 1x week --- School: 2x week

Week 5 - Eating: Whole 30 --- Gym: 5x week --- NF: 2x week --- Art: 2x week --- School: 2x week

Week6+- Eating: Whole 30 --- Gym: 5x week --- NF: +1week --- Art: 2x week --- School: 2x week

 

This was started two weeks ago.  So I built up my 5x gym.  After the job ending, I celebrated (despite having started  a whole30) so I'm technically resetting it.  I'm calling Sunday as Day1 of whole30.  I'm posting here, I worked on a voodoo mask as well as carving a jackolantern, and this weekend starts my school projects.  I'm on schedule.

 

Not having fucked up and variable sleep ruins this entire plan above.  When I was working 2nd shift, I didn't have the energy. I was in pain.  I felt run down and antsy. It's had a domino effect:

 

No evening job --> regulates bedtime --> regulates wake up time --> regulates energy --> can go to gym consistently --> doesn't want to ruin gym progress so eats better --> feels better with halfway decent sleep + eating healthy + endorphins from gym so I start feeling creative --> does art --> enough self care to counteract studying --> starts studying again --> firing on all cylinders and wants to socialize again --> posts on NF.

 

I was trying honestly for the whole summer and fall to try and get this type of schedule but not until I stopped the 2nd shift did the domino effect take place.  How I feel today compared to how I felt just 2ish weeks ago is a MASSIVE difference.  I'm glad I'm on here and I missed it.  I'm looking forward to cooking in about an hour.  I went food shopping. I have two loads of laundry going and I already worked out and it's not even 10am.  I am SO a morning person.  My brain fucking shuts down after 5pm, which was only an hour into my evening shift.  Having this schedule so loaded in the morning makes me feel better since I'm super productive and makes me feel in a less shitty mood. I end up getting more done by 2pm than I was getting done all day.  So!  With that said, I'm going to post what I'm cooking and then it's off to get shit done.

 

Batch cooking:

-Leftover shepard's pie

-Shrimp and sausage stir fry (shrimp, sausage, bell peppers, onions, smoked spanish paprika, minced garlic, cumin, cayenne pepper, chili powder)

-Chicken thighs and asparagus

-Hamburgers and Jamaican cauliflower

-Stewed chicken and mixed veggies

 

 

ALLEZ CUISINE

 

[Korranation]

51 minutes ago, Teros said:

Batch cooking:

-Leftover shepard's pie

-Shrimp and sausage stir fry (shrimp, sausage, bell peppers, onions, smoked spanish paprika, minced garlic, cumin, cayenne pepper, chili powder)

-Chicken thighs and asparagus

-Hamburgers and Jamaican cauliflower

-Stewed chicken and mixed veggies 

All that sounds so good! I've already eaten, but this list is making me hungry again

And heck yes for batch cooking.

Sounds like you're killin it this challenge!

 

[Sciread77]

1 hour ago, Teros said:

Thanks - it feels like since I started school years ago; I've been mostly MIA from NF.  Then the summer was trying to deal with schoolwork and get my life in order after finally dealing with my mom dying during my last term in school.  I think that not bothering with this evening job and stabilizing everything else is the final nail in the coffin I needed to get my shit together.  Details below.

Well, you’ve been present a substantial amount of time too. You’ve been in school the whole time I’ve known you and there have been periods in which you write and converse books here. On the other hand, there are other times when you’re largely taking a break. But I think that’s a pretty natural part of the ebb and flow here. Especially with school and two jobs and major personal stuff. 
 

That batch cooking sounds amazing. We’re largely living off of soup, chili, and casseroles these days.

[Aquarii]

2 hours ago, Teros said:

I am SO a morning person.  My brain fucking shuts down after 5pm, which was only an hour into my evening shift.  

 

Can't relate. I have been trying to be a morning person for nearly a decade, but I am getting to the point where I think it is about time to just accept that some people are creatures of the night. I could stay up until 5am, but don't ask me to wake up at 5am.

 

Getting enough sleep is definitely a great achievement. Through college I slowly increased my average sleep from 3-5 hours a night to somewhere closer to 7-8, and have maintained that since, aside from bouts of slight insomnia (since my boss doesn't care if I can't fall asleep till 3am, he still wants me at work on time in the morning, lol). It has definitely improved my life in so many ways.

[Sciread77]

36 minutes ago, Aquarii said:

 

Can't relate. I have been trying to be a morning person for nearly a decade, but I am getting to the point where I think it is about time to just accept that some people are creatures of the night. I could stay up until 5am, but don't ask me to wake up at 5am.

 

Getting enough sleep is definitely a great achievement. Through college I slowly increased my average sleep from 3-5 hours a night to somewhere closer to 7-8, and have maintained that since, aside from bouts of slight insomnia (since my boss doesn't care if I can't fall asleep till 3am, he still wants me at work on time in the morning, lol). It has definitely improved my life in so many ways.

Regular, quality sleep is just critical for good physical and mental health. I had utterly terrible sleep for years. It got better after meeting my wife. I almost always make it a goal for myself and not prioritizing it for more than a few days has bad consequences. I mean, I can function on 4-5 hours, I don’t go backwards health wise with 6, but I need 7 to be at me best. 
 

My wife and I are both night owls that can function in a lark world but don’t really thrive in it. Together, we’re great! My extended family, on the other hand, are either ruthlessly larky or desperately sleep-deprives night owls who seem to believe that sleeping past 5:30-6 is an indication of laziness. Sigh lol. 

[Korranation]

Regular, quality sleep is just critical for good physical and mental health. 

I second this. I used to be more cranky and irrational than usual with bad sleep. And I’d crash hours before my bed time.

A pre-bed time routine, cold room, clean sheets, sleep mask, and melatonin gummies did the trick for me.

[Sciread77]

32 minutes ago, Korranation said:

I second this. I used to be more cranky and irrational than usual with bad sleep. And I’d crash hours before my bed time.

A pre-bed time routine, cold room, clean sheets, sleep mask, and melatonin gummies did the trick for me.

I can almost always sleep whenever I want these days. Insomnia is pretty rare (although I had it until I looked something up last night) unless it’s for a medical reason like “reaction to round of steroid treatments.”  Thank goodness. Being a parent changed things. 
 

But the bedtime routine, cold room, and cleans sheets really helped too. And taking magnesium  citrate regularly greatly improved the quality of my sleep (since it seems I was short.). I think part of it was setting those things up after I met my wife, then being so exhausted once we started having kids that it was easier to make them into a routine that involves fall right asleep. 
 

In any case, sleep FTW!

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

38 minutes ago, Sciread77 said:

And taking magnesium  citrate regularly

Isn't that a laxative?

[sarakingdom]

2 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Isn't that a laxative?

 

As with many things, it depends on the dose. I direct you towards such things as "vitamin C bowel tolerance" and "sugar-free gummy bear Amazon reviews" for additional laxative hijinks.

 

(But in smaller doses, it's just a cheaply available magnesium supplement.)

[Sciread77]

2 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Isn't that a laxative?

What @sarakingdom said. 3-4 pills and it definitely would be. But 1 250-mg pill and it just bumps me up to normal levels. Unfortunately, it’s one of the things that my autoimmune and mental health issues cause mine to go low. 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

True Story, drinking magnesium citrate spurred Sra. Tanque into labor. It's the reason Baby Tank's birthday is what it is.

[Aquarii]

12 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

True Story, drinking magnesium citrate spurred Sra. Tanque into labor. It's the reason Baby Tank's birthday is what it is.

 

Magnesium citrate is also the laxative typically used to completely clear the bowels before a colonoscopy. 

[Korranation]

@Teros How goes the good fight?

[Teros]

On 11/1/2019 at 11:47 AM, Sciread77 said:

Well, you’ve been present a substantial amount of time too. You’ve been in school the whole time I’ve known you and there have been periods in which you write and converse books here. On the other hand, there are other times when you’re largely taking a break. But I think that’s a pretty natural part of the ebb and flow here. Especially with school and two jobs and major personal stuff. 

 

See, the time I was here during school was maybe 1/100th of the time I spent on here before starting school.  It felt more like this was my home than my actual home.  Before school, I was in a 12 year emotionally abusive relationship and trying to get my shit together and I was able to do it because of this place.  One of the big signs for me that my actual life and my online life were going to clash was when I stayed up late to respond to a PM from someone here and my g/f at the time was pissed at me because I needed to go to bed when she went to bed (she snored like a wildabeast so I needed to pass out before she did).  The person I was writing back to on here was going through a really tough time with losing a parent and there was no way I was going to wait until the next day to get back to the person.  The people on here were my family and were more important.  When you mention writing 'books' - again; this has been NOTHING compared to what I used to write before.

 

School is over.  The 12 year relationship is over.  The woman I fell in love with on here mine as well be dead.  My mom died.  Four pets died.  A lot of change has happened since my 'prime' time here on NF.  And what I've been realizing over the summer is that even though I don't feel a connection on here as much anymore; I NEED to be here and make that connection again.  During my prime time, I lost 120 pounds, people started a donation to get me to camp, and people traveled across the country to run a Spartan race with me.  That weekend where I finally met people from NF made me feel right.  It made me feel like I was finally home.  It made me feel whole.  School ripped me from that and I became an emotional nomad - not really able to click and connect at all and that's what lead to all the sporadic shallow dating and subsequent drama.

 

On 11/1/2019 at 12:39 PM, Aquarii said:

I slowly increased my average sleep from 3-5 hours a night to somewhere closer to 7-8

 

I don't know how to force myself to sleep extra.  Whenever I go to bed, I wake up about 5ish hours later.  I try to force myself to stay awake so I don't fall asleep at like 8pm and wake up at 1 or 2am.

 

On 11/1/2019 at 1:22 PM, Sciread77 said:

I can function on 4-5 hours, I don’t go backwards health wise with 6, but I need 7 to be at me best. 

 

And how do you do that?

 

On 11/1/2019 at 1:22 PM, Sciread77 said:

who seem to believe that sleeping past 5:30-6 is an indication of laziness.

 

Extreme larkiness here.  Let's say I fall asleep at 11pm and wake up at 5am- I'll get everything done that I need to do by about 1pm and then relax.  Work, gym, batch cooking, errands, whatever it is - the first half of the day is extreme productivity and the second half of the day is dead.

 

On 11/4/2019 at 3:16 PM, Korranation said:

A pre-bed time routine, cold room, clean sheets, sleep mask, and melatonin gummies did the trick for me.

 

Not sure how much these would work for me.  Already cold, clean sheets.  Sleep masks sort of freak me out and I'm not wearing one.  The light doesn't bother me: my clock wants me to sleep when it's sundown and be wide awake when sunlight is out.

 

Falling asleep is rarely, if ever, an issue.  It's staying asleep instead of my body kicking awake after 5ish hours.

 

On 11/6/2019 at 1:15 PM, Korranation said:

How goes the good fight?

 

Well I have 2 little steaks and 3 chicken thighs left.  I did batch cooking yesterday.  I made:

-The shepard's pie that I froze half of; I thawed out.  Combined it with the leftover gravy-turned-beef soup from the other day.

-2 mini meataloaves

-pineapple teriyaki chicken. I used coconut aminos and some pineapple juice, along with dicing up a red onion, yellow onion, red pepper, yellow pepper, chicken thighs, garlic, red boat fish sauce, and bok choy

-spaghetti squash noodles with puttanesca sauce

-japanese apple pork riblets (trying a new seasoning and I tried a swipe of sauce off the pan and it's goooood)

-Didn't cook it yet because I want to eat some of this first.  Then I'm going to roast some cauliflower and put some jamacian seasoning on it.  Or maybe curry.  Haven't decided. Basically I'll flavor it up with whatever the mood hits

-4 tiny lamb medallions.  It was grass fed organic yadda yadda but had a manager sticker on it so it was cheap and I never had lamb so I can't even really consider this a meal but I wanted to try it.

 

-----------

 

Hitting the gym 5x a week.  It's become a solid habit now, thankfully.

 

Some bad news though:  I really liked a woman named Abby and we've been hanging out for a couple of months. It's been casual dating because I keep my options open and because I have abandonment and trust issues so it would take a bit before I would make a serious choice.  Well, Tuesday she flat out vanished. Ghosted on me.  I've texted her a few times because she was supposed to come over on Tuesday at 3pm but she never showed up.  I texted a couple times saying I was worried.  Next day I texted.  And then again afterwards.  She's fucking gone.  What sucks is I wanted to see how the holidays were for us and after that, I was debating on being serious with her.  Nowadays, I just hang out with JJ who I've known for a while but I don't have any serious feelings for and was planning on 'friendzoning' like I did with Wally a few months back.  This news just...fucking sucks a lot.  I miss her.  She had a good sense of humor and I noticed I felt comfortable around her at a much quicker pace than most women, which is why after the holidays I wanted to see about being serious.  That's out the fucking window now.

 

Also, Wally has a tumor and it's freaking me out.  I know that she's worried about it as well.  She's been going for a lot of tests.

 

As for JJ, she has been on the verge of a breakdown for months now and it all sort of culminated this week when she asked me if she was in crisis.  I told her that it's sort of something SHE should know, but I definitely see signs that things are worse for her.  She went to a walk-in clinic for behavioral health and they told her she needed immediate counseling. Starts a therapist on Monday.  Also is going to the hospital for a week-long therapy treatment which starts in about 2 weeks.  The agency already sent paperwork to her workplace saying that she needed the time off.  I don't know what to make of this, to be honest.  I want her to be happy and healthy and she's not either of those things.

 

Lastly is.... *Her*.  It's been 5 months and she has said nothing to me.  I have to come to grips with the fact that she's either dead or a coward.  I've obviously been thinking about this the entire 5 months and I feel I need to write how I feel all at once to try and cope.

 

If you asked me 4 years ago what life was going to be like at this time, it would not have been this.  I knew the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.  I was nearing my weight loss goal.  I was taking charge of my life and going to make some drastic changes.  Now where am I?  I feel lost, alone, abandoned, regained all the weight back.  I also feel like I lost my biggest supporter: NF.

 

Because of school, I neglected checking on posts, writing story, and overall feeling connected to people.  What I lost from that I tried to regain by making friends on a dating website since I already knew the woman I wanted to marry.  Spoiler alert: everything went to shit.  I got my degree, but I look back at the cost and all I can do is shake my head.

 

It feels, in a lot of ways; that I have to start over from scratch.  I have to start over from scratch with the weightloss.  Start over from scratch with making friends and building relationships on here.  Start over from scratch with finding a partner.  Start over from scratch with the gym.  After losing so much and being so fried from school, I feel I have to start all over with my mental health.  I've spent the summer getting my environment to where it needs to be.  Recently I've been getting my food and fitness where it needs to be.

 

I guess.... I guess I just mourn the loss.  Of everything.  Pets, family, partner, friends, physical and mental health.  All of it.

 

 

 

I'll fix this.  I don't have a choice.  It's either I sit back and let life wash over me, give up, and die or I fight.  I'm fighting.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

The nice thing about NF is you are allowed all the respawns you need. 

3 hours ago, Teros said:

It feels, in a lot of ways; that I have to start over from scratch.  I have to start over from scratch with the weightloss.  Start over from scratch with making friends and building relationships on here.  Start over from scratch with finding a partner.  Start over from scratch with the gym.  After losing so much and being so fried from school, I feel I have to start all over with my mental health.  I've spent the summer getting my environment to where it needs to be.  Recently I've been getting my food and fitness where it needs to be.

 

I guess.... I guess I just mourn the loss.  Of everything.  Pets, family, partner, friends, physical and mental health.  All of it.

 

If I may offer a re-frame, you're not starting from scratch, you simply prestiged.

[Aquarii]

3 hours ago, Teros said:

I don't know how to force myself to sleep extra.  Whenever I go to bed, I wake up about 5ish hours later.  I try to force myself to stay awake so I don't fall asleep at like 8pm and wake up at 1 or 2am.

 

I get it. At the end of high school I was averaging 3-4 hours a night, and it took me about five years of working on my sleep schedule to actually be able to sleep 7-8 hours a night with any kind of consistency. I would recommend that if you are having an issue getting more than 5 hours of sleep, don't worry about aiming for 8 hour right now, try to get to 5 and a half. When you can maintain that for an extended period of time, try to work up to 6. 

 

3 hours ago, Teros said:

It feels, in a lot of ways; that I have to start over from scratch.  I have to start over from scratch with the weightloss.  Start over from scratch with making friends and building relationships on here.  Start over from scratch with finding a partner.  Start over from scratch with the gym.  After losing so much and being so fried from school, I feel I have to start all over with my mental health.  I've spent the summer getting my environment to where it needs to be.  Recently I've been getting my food and fitness where it needs to be.

 

I think one of the great things about life is that under most circumstances we do have the option of starting over, trying again, and reinventing ourselves. Things feel apart before, but now you are smarter, wiser, and better prepared to be even more successful this time around. You can learn from your mistakes and have a better idea of what you need to prioritize.

 

[Sciread77]

I agree that you‘ve prestiged. 
 

You’re a different person than when you started this journey, and you’ve changed throughout.  That’s not to say that every change is positive; you clearly miss how engaged you were and the sense of community and support you felt here. But you’re a different person now, in a lot of ways, as is even the community here. 
 

As far as the sleep goes, I’ve got nothin.  I can tell you what worked for me. But I’m a night owl, with a history of absurdly dysfunctional sleep. I can be dead tired and ready to fall asleep but I’ll get a second wind around 8.  Then I’m energized for quite a while. And for years,

this ruined my sleep as I had to get up at 5 due to my schedule. Eventually, I 1. Got medicated so that bipolar wasn’t the driving force behind everything 2. Got into therapy, multiple times, to face the things that kept me ruminating and 3. Really learned sleep relaxation techniques.There’s some article floating around that says it’s what pilots used to use to sleep after combat... in any case, it’s basically progressive relaxation combined with letting go and even repeating “don’t think” if necessary. It didn’t work at first. And I know it doesn’t do jack for keeping you asleep. That’s never been an issue unless I’m sick or allergies are bad.  4. Had children so I’m both mentally and physically exhausted most of the time 

 

BUT. None of this ever helped my dad, who’s a lark who wakes up and can’t sleep anymore. The only thing that’s ever helped him is to go to sleep earlier and hope nothing wakes him up. I wish I had an answer for you. But frankly, my sleep issues are opposite yours. Half my problem was learned dysfunction/mental illness (which Jessie spent years helping me conquer as her family’s sleep and mental health is super healthy and I received medical treatment for ) and half seems like a fortuitous change in my ability to fall asleep since that I can’t confidently take credit for. 

 
 

 

[Teros]

I'm ripshit right now.  I don't need any advice. I don't need any support. I just need to be fucking pissed right now.

 

I've been busting my ass for a month solid with hitting the gym 5 times a week and stayed on whole30 for almost as long.  I weighed myself today and I didn't lose a single fucking pound.  336.

 

336

How the FUCK is that possible when I did the same thing times before and I lost 20 pounds?  Hell, even eating cassava flour pizza and other shit I still ended up losing 10.  I've lost nothing.  NOTHING.  I'm seriously about to lose my shit right now.  This can't be happening. How the hell has all this effort done nothing for me?  I haven't had candy, ice cream, gluten-free treats, I avoided all halloween candy, I didn't drink milk, no cheese or other dairy.  How the fuck.  HOW THE FUCK does this happen?  I feel like murdering someone.  What the fuck do I have to do?  If it's eat kale only for a year and I lose the weight healthy that way then fine.  I'm fine with sacrifice.  I'm fine with pain.  I'm fine with being miserable and not eating the junk food that I want.  But to suffer like that and not even get the fucking reward that my suffering is for?  Fuck you body.  Fuck you.  If I could, I would take a steak knife and saw chunks of my gut off of me.  I hate myself and I always have and it's because I'm trapped in this fucking physical prison.  I can't fucking escape it.  I lost 120 pounds before going this route so why is it not working?  Nothing in my life has ever worked until whole30 and now not even that is going to save me?  I feel utterly hopeless.  What do I have to do?  Spend hours at the gym - fine I'll do it.  Work out until every muscle aches?  Gladly.  Starve myself?  No problem.  Whatever measure I need to do for my STUPID PIECE OF SHIT BODY to start working correctly I'll do but I'm at a fucking loss right now.  Sleep has been getting a tiny bit better.  I'm not stress eating.  I'm not... I don't know - I don't know what I'm doing wrong.  What is wrong with me that this is happening to me?  I'm mean, I'm at the point where apple juice is too sweet so I cut it with water.  I'm drinking either water, watered-down apple juice, or some banana almond milk.  I feel like I'm royally fucked.  I'm eating stir fried vegetables with olive oil and seasoning and some protein.  How do I fix this?  How do I stop being a worthless piece of shit and fix this?  I'm cutting out the other drinks- I'm only drinking water.  I don't know what else could possibly be royally fucking me in the ass.  I'm dealing with almost the same sleep as when I lost the weight.  Eating the same foods.  Having the same portions.  So FUCK ME what am I screwing up?

 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Have you measured yourself? Is it possible you burned fat and built muscle? Otherwise I dunno. It sucks.