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Bean Si vs Chaos - Bean Tries


Bean Sidhe

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Let me start this challenge with the following. I am not right in the head. I am grieving/stressed out/burned out and am having a hard time. My situation is complicated due to family dynamic and the fact that not all families are healthy ones. And in the end, I am just trying to get all of us through to when stuff isn’t blowing up EVERY DAY.

For those new here:

Spoiler

I am a mom to 2 Agents of Chaos (Eldest and Youngest), and 4 fur agents (Agent Black (kitten 2 year old), Agent White (kitten 1 year), Agent Twilight (Kitten 6 mo old) and Agent K9 (dog age 4)). I am married and I work part time at my new job which is in my new career field. I also go to college while being that mom that tries to helps at the school. Both Agents are basically at new schools and I haven’t been able to be myself there yet.

This year has been rough, as was the one before. We have had so many curve balls thrown at us that have us all off balance for the last 2 years or so. Emotions are high, and that does not help my anxiety or depression. I do better when I feel I have some control somewhere. Which is what most of my challenges are. They are about getting control where I can, my eating, my exercise/flexibility, fighting the chaos in the house and in our lives, and trying to make sure I am spending time with all of those who I care for.

Things are not easy sometimes (most of the time). I am trying to balance everything while still maybe finding some time for me in the process. I am learning to try and juggle all the things while still helping here at home. There is no "go to the gym" time with kids in activities 4 nights a week and my work and schoolwork.

Long term goals: Return to a more balanced feeling, Get healthy, Have more energy, Have quality time with my family, get control of the chaos so It’s less chaos, and either avoid or learn to handle the rocks being thrown at me better.

 

 

The big change in my world that is not in the spoiler is that my dad passed away suddenly at the end of August. I am now in charge of taking care of my mother who is mostly grieving but just mad and has basically noped out of well, everything. Mad about everything and wanting to do nothing.  I have been trying to just make sure everyone survives every day and that Agents are picked up and dropped off, bills are paid for her, notifications and death stuff done for my dad. We are still fighting to get access to his assets. I make decisions most days hoping they are the right ones for my mom when she will just cuss out people who call and tells me whatever and then throws guilt at me for being too “energetic” with this whole thing.

School has turned into a mess. One class that was supposed to be my fun class the teacher is loony. Nothing is posted on time, and it’s now a source of stress too. And the teacher won’t even post about the 70% of our grade project that has a 1.5 page guidelines to it. Because why have anything be easy right?

The new job is good, but it makes me sit almost all 6 hours I am there. I really like the idea of the job, but I do wish I had more responsibility and had an idea what the hell I am doing any day I walk in. I also miss walking more and I need to focus on showing them what I can do.

This post isn’t making much sense, and I suppose I don’t right now. But I need to do 4 things right now, and I have no other idea how to do it.

A)     Care for Agents and Mom

B)      School

C)      Estate

D)     Care for Bean

The problem is, I am starting to let D fall off the list. I have reached well over 300 lbs now. I feel weaker and walking is non-existent. Cookies and junk is becoming a daily occurrence. I need to do something to fix it, but at the same time, I don’t think it’s going to do any good. Nothing is going to make the weight fall off, fix my head tomorrow. I know long term stuff can, but I can barely see past 12 hours from now and the same time I don’t want to look like a killer whale when I graduate in May.  

So after talking to Flea, maybe a challenge will help since it will make me have control over SOMETHING. It will be the little things that make differences. Plus, I know I am isolating myself from people. I am hiding the pain and the stress and not saying anything to anyone besides Hubby since I am being forced to be the strong one.

So I am doing a boxes challenge, but a very much slimmed down one. I am only aiming for 16 pts a day. That should be easy. I started Wednesday and while 2 of the 3 days have gone well, I totally forgot the other.

Please feel free to stick around and cheer me on. Note that I may not have much happy stuff to talk about, or that I may sound like I need a stiff drink, some sugar and a blanket fort. Hopefully I can come out the other side with this believing it will work. Because right now that feels like all I have.

Below is my boxes. The amount of items per grouping is listed. Some stuff is different, most is the same. Here is to hoping I can start something…

 

 

Goal

Value

Description

Strength

1

Balance ball crunches

 

1

Squats

10

1

Wall Sit (sec)

 

1

Side kicks

Do 1

1

Leg lifts

1

1

 Reverse sit ups

 

1

sit ups

 

1

Knee to Elbows

 

1

Push ups

 

1

Balance Ball push ups

Flexibility

1

Wrist Extension Stretch

12

1

Upward dog/Child pose

 

1

Meditating Groot

 

1

Lord of the dance Yoga (ankle above head)

 

1

Butterfly

 

1

Bridge

Do 2

1

Ballet/toe Touch

                                                2.00

1

Sitting Fix/Shoulder stretch

 

1

Warrior 1

 

1

Warrior 3 (Eagle bird thing)

 

1

Side stretch

 

1

Forward bend

Life and Family

1

Play with Cats

 

1

NF time

 

1

Look at christmas

 

1

Soak up the sun

15

1

Spend time with Agents

 

1

Water a plant

 

1

Do something for me (Stardew, read a book, date night, ect)

 

1

Plan

 

1

Be in bed by 11:30

 

1

Floss in morning

Do 4

1

Floss before bed

 

1

Work on estate stuff

4

1

One good thing

 

1

Write one thank you card

 

1

Homework time daily

Fight Chaos

1

Pennisula/Island

Clean all these daily

1

Table / Half wall

9

1

Desk

 

1

Bathroom up

 

1

Clean off file cabinet

Do 2

1

Bathroom down

2

1

Clean off door to basement

 

1

Clean off Dresser

 

1

Counter over dishwasher

At least 5 minutes per room (at least one)

1

Garage

 

1

Front room

 

1

Computer room

9

1

Basement

 

1

Clean 1 thing in file cabinet

do 2

1

Clean off nightstands

2

1

Clean 2 papers out of paper organizer

 

1

File 1 thing a day

 

1

Purge 1 thing a day

Walking

1

Walk 10500 steps

4

1

Walk 15 minutes a day

1

1

7 hours with 250 steps

do 1

1

Walk to Mordor

Fuel

1

No eating after dinner

13

1

No stupid sugar

 

1

Track breakfast

 

1

Track Second breakfast

do 4

1

Track Elevensies

 

1

Track lunch

 

1

Take Probiotic

4

1

< 3 bottles of tea

 

1

Eat Bananas Daily

 

1

Eat dried Apricots

 

1

Eat Breakfast

 

1

Eat Lunch

 

1

120 oz of water

 

72

Did I complete 5 minutes in room

Total points for day

           16.00

 

 

  • Like 5

You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream - C.S. Lewis

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This all makes perfect sense to me.  Having been in a similar position, the feeling of everything being out of control while constantly scrambling for a foothold is pretty reasonable and completely understandable.  It's admirable that you're trying, and that deserves a hell of a lot of credit.  Glad you have some good friends for support

 

 

 

 

  • Like 1

Fight your foes in the field, nor be burnt in your house.

 

 

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6 hours ago, Zaethe said:

This all makes perfect sense to me.  Having been in a similar position, the feeling of everything being out of control while constantly scrambling for a foothold is pretty reasonable and completely understandable.  It's admirable that you're trying, and that deserves a hell of a lot of credit.  Glad you have some good friends for support

 

 

Thanks. I  know this is not an unusual position I am stuck in. The big thing is, I am getting burned out running basically 10 peoples lives since my dad was not just taking care of my mom, but his mom and her house of 5+. Part of my trying is 2 fold, I see how unable to do things my mom is since she is so overweight and now has arthritis and other issues and B, not making a point to take care of himself is what killed my dad. He was too busy with the "I can take care of me later" and he ran out of later.

 

Now to not let the negativity and stress get to me too far. That is making things so so much harder and I really am not in a good mental space as a result.

  • Like 1

You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream - C.S. Lewis

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So quick update.

Sat went well. I actually have my homework done a whole 36 hours early of the due date and have tried to relax some. I did get on the treadmill for the first time in months last night and that helped.  I got 17 minutes with about a 3.0 mph and 5.5 incline, so I will take it. I also was in a bad bad headspace overall, but Hubby kinda kicked me to do boxes and that helped some. I ended up with a new high of 36 pts (I only needed 16) so that helped.

 

I am trying to be positive, but honestly, I am just tired of everything being a fight. Like today. I went out to plant the garlic and officially put the garden in the done pile. I dug 6 inches of trench and pissed off 6 ground bees. So that has to wait till its colder when they won't try to come after me. I guess the upside is that I got the shallots planted. But I need the garlic done so I can forget about the garden until Feb.

 

Anyway, boxes were done, homework is done. These are the positives I need to focus on. going to try and post those as well since that will help.

 

But boxes are all done. Homework is caught up (mostly) and time to find a routine.

 

Strength 3 pts out of 1

Flexibility  6 pts out of 2

Life and Family 9 pts out of 4

Fight Chaos - Clean 3 pts out of 2

Fight Chaos - Purge 6 pts out of 2

Walking 1 pt out of 1

Fuel 8 pts out of 4

Total 36 pts out of 16

Number of boxes - 7 out of 7

 

One good thing: Rings are checked and off the to do list

Time with agents: Watched far from home with Agents

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You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream - C.S. Lewis

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anigif_enhanced-buzz-32257-1421942418-4.

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On 10/26/2019 at 11:04 PM, Bean Sidhe said:

I am grieving/stressed out/burned out and am having a hard time.

 

I am so sorry it's been rough. I know that nothing I say will make the pain go away, but I want you to know that I am always glad to see you when you make it to the forums, and I am rooting for you. I love your ambition because in spite of everything you're dealing with, you have sincere goals to get better. Let me know if I can help in any way.

 

giphy.gif

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Who am I? -- My NF Character

Current Challenge: WolfDreamer Wakes the White Wolf

Past Challenges: 

Spoiler

Winter is ComingWolfen Strengthens His Heart, Body, Mind, and Spirit, Wolfen Becomes One of the PeopleWolfen Strengthens His ChakrasWolfen Welcomes Summer and Gets Primal, Soulcon and Spartan, Wolfen Develops Mental ToughnessWolfen Joins the Wander SocietySoulcon, Spartan, School, and Stranger ThingsWolfen Becomes a Warrior EliteWolfen Goes Here and There and Back AgainWolfen Becomes a Soulcon Warrior EliteWolfen Returns to His RootsWolfen Wanders in Soul, Spirit, and BodyWolfen Owns the DayWolfen Searches for His Wild Heart, Wolfen Runs for His LifeWolfen Hits the TrailsWolfen Becomes an Explorer and Joins the ResistanceWolfen Goes Back to the SourceWolfen Begins the Hero's JourneyWolfDreamer Returns to the People,  WolfDreamer Pushes BackWolfDreamer PrioritizesBurpees, Books, and BrainworkBurpees, Books, Brainwork, and BodyworkWolfDreamer Masters the Four ElementsWolfDreamer Continues to Master the Four ElementsWolfDreamer Returns to SpartaWolfDreamer Returns to Middle EarthWolfDreamer Continues His Middle Earth AdventureWolfDreamer and the FallWolfDreamer Forges His Own PathWolfDreamer Has HopeWolfDreamer Returns to Middle EarthWolfDreamer Reads Harder, Breathes Harder, and Journals MoreWolfDreamer Embraces His Wild PoetThe Mad Poet Becomes SupernaturalWolfDreamer, The Mad Poet, Becomes SuperhumanWolfDreamer ElevatesWolfDreamer Becomes IronBorn

I'd rather sing one wild song and burst my heart with it, than live a thousand years watching my digestion and being afraid of the wet.” -- Jack London

“I wanted movement and not a calm course of existence. I wanted excitement and danger and the chance to sacrifice myself for my love.” -- Leo Tolstoy

"I feel love rising in my chest again
Rising like a burning sun into the day..." -- Gungor, "Hurricane"

"...wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." 2 Corinthians 3:17b

 

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So Sunday went okay.. I got to sleep in a bit which was good. I like sleep, I miss it.

 

Dealt with a bunch of estate stuff and finally got a bit of a handle on the bills that I can. I still need to do a few others since they want 2 factor authentication and I am slowly setting my mom up to do them, which means it all goes to her phone or house.  I also got like 8 thank you cards done, which helped. Groceries were aquired, the garden was almost finished aside from the dumb ground bees.

 

Challenge stuff, I did okay, but not great. I should of gotten on the treadmill, but didn't at the last minute because I was tired and went "Or not". Walking I did get my 7 hours at least. I should be happy with how yesterday went, but part of me is all "You could of done more" I need to remember that I still had 35 pts when I needed 16. I dunno, something to think over I suppose.

 

But boxes are all done. Homework is caught up (mostly) and time to find a routine.

 

Strength 3 pts out of 1

Flexibility  6 pts out of 2

Life and Family 9 pts out of 4

Fight Chaos - Clean 3 pts out of 2

Fight Chaos - Purge 3 pts out of 2

Walking 1 pt out of 1

Fuel 10 pts out of 4

Total 35 pts out of 16

Number of boxes - 7 out of 7

 

One good thing: My football team won

Time with agents: worked with Youngest Agent to make her pumpkin a Jumino

  • Like 1

You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream - C.S. Lewis

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8 minutes ago, WolfDreamer said:

 

I am so sorry it's been rough. I know that nothing I say will make the pain go away, but I want you to know that I am always glad to see you when you make it to the forums, and I am rooting for you. I love your ambition because in spite of everything you're dealing with, you have sincere goals to get better. Let me know if I can help in any way.

 

giphy.gif

 

Thanks for stopping in. I will be honest, I saw you had responded and I was all excited since I haven't been able to go check on people like I would like to.

 

Thank you for the kind words and the support. I know things will get better and while I am worried this challenge I am not the usual Bean who loves to support others and is so optimistic (for others, not myself), I am trying to at least stop in here and say Hi. I like it better when I can be the supportive one, but right now, I am just doing good to even stop in. I just hope people will understand. I know eventually things will get better and the world will level. But right now, its hard to remember when I feel the last 2 months has been 3 years and at the same time I have done nothing. Especially since I haven't really had a minute to let it all sink in, but rather run from fire to fire to deal with things.

Sometimes it is one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time I guess.  All of that will come eventually.

 

  • Like 3

You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream - C.S. Lewis

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So Monday went better than I expected.

 

Estate wise, i got one problem solved but another big one showed up. Apparently one of the credit cards put a card that is in my mom's name as well in collections as part of the estate (without removing the payment I just made), but She also just got a bill (in her name) saying the account also owes the same amount. I found this out talking to the estate recovery people. I called the card and they said "we can't help you, you need to talk to X, and they closed at 5" (Note, it was 450 when she said this).  So now I have to ask my mom to take off work, I need to take off work to call these people. Oh and because I got through all but 5 of my thank you notes, I now get my moms as well for people I don't know and have never met and my mom works with daily. 

 

I found out early that dear friend had her baby early. She delivered at 32 weeks. This same friend lost her first child at 17 weeks. So I am glad they are all happy and here. The baby is doing okay considering, but its going to be a few weeks before they let anyone go home.

 

School wise, I got an email yesterday saying all the work for fun class (with dumb teacher) should be posted by last night. No, the lecture was posted this morning, but no homework and no quiz. It was supposed to be posted at 8 AM on Monday. Right now, her record for homework or quiz is Tuesday about Noon. I am wondering if she will beat that today.  Oh and I noticed last night that the big 20% of my grade project I fought with (that was due the 20th, but she didn't have a link up until the 24th)  now has a due date of the 31st. My partner and I busted our rears had it mostly done and then she didn't have it ready to be turned in on time and everyone else got 11 more days because she didn't mention it was due. Seriously lady.

 

Home wise things went better. I am still not home much between work and my moms. But I did manage to get a bit of cleaning done. Hubby kinda forced me onto the treadmill last night, and while I was not happy about doing so, at a 5.5 incline, I was doing about a 3.0 mph walk, which I did for about 17 minutes and 3/4 of a mile. I am upset how much I felt it, but I am trying to get more positive and know it will go somewhere. I also tried to go back to tracking the food. Well, making sure it gets into myfitness pal. I am not watching anything yet, but I got Breakfast, second breakfast and Lunch in. I didn't feel like creating the meal for Elevensies so I skipped that one.

 

Challenge wise, I ended up with 40 points out of 16, which honestly felt good. That is actually over 50% of the possible points. I kinda wish I can stay in this area, maybe do more, but I can't assume all days will let me. Either way, I have points and I did feel better for it. I just have to try and stay positive .  Still didn't want to do my exercises and stretches, but I did them.

 

But boxes are all done and here is to hoping for a routine.

 

Strength 3 pts out of 1

Flexibility  5 pts out of 2

Life and Family 11 pts out of 4

Fight Chaos - Clean 3 pts out of 2

Fight Chaos - Purge 5 pts out of 2

Walking 3 pt out of 1

Fuel 10 pts out of 4

Total 40 pts out of 16

Number of boxes - 7 out of 7

 

One good thing:  Snuggles  with Hubby

Time with agents:  My pretending to forget to count and trolling Youngest Agent so she laughed.

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You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream - C.S. Lewis

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Well Tuesday went better than Monday

 

Estate wise, I spent 45 minutes on the phone talking in circles with a credit card that closed an account we needed.  I actually go the probate lady to be mad and ready to go yell at someone for me since left hand wasn't doing what right hand said should be done. Its fixed now. Also I talked to the insurance company and checked on a thing there too. Our liability is 0 so we are happy.

 

New job has been going okay. I kinda feel like I am doing busy work (Like right now, I am pulling data from the database for a thing they are going to pay someone else $10,000 to do, but its good practice is what I have been told). Mostly in some ways its weird and in some ways its nice to be able to say "so, I have no major responsibilities, but I also have no idea what I am doing when I get in every day"

 

Challenge wise, I did my best yet at 41 pts. I would love to say that Yay, I am getting on a trend and this is going to go somewhere, but I am too afraid I am going to not make goal for the next 3 days and give up again. or get embarrassed when I don't get all the boxes since this should be a gimmie challenge and go poof again. I just feel like I am letting you all down if I don't get my boxes. 
 But now I am rambling

So anyway, I am doing okay challenge wise. I did manage to actually track ALL My food yesterday and while my calories were over, it was only by like 26 calories. And I wasn't trying to stay in anything, I just wanted to see if I could track it all.  I really should of gotten on the treadmill, but I honestly had 0 motivation and I was done. I just really want to get healthy. I would love to look like 50 lbs or more by May, but I would be happy with 25. In all my time doing this whole "get healthy thing" I never did figure out how long it takes to lose stuff, so I don't know what is manageable.

 

More rambling

So here are my boxes and things. Yesterday was good, it feels better to have things starting to get cleaned up. Still a ton to do, but maybe progress right?

 

Strength 3 pts out of 1

Flexibility  4 pts out of 2

Life and Family 11 pts out of 4

Fight Chaos - Clean 4 pts out of 2

Fight Chaos - Purge 5 pts out of 2

Walking 1 pt out of 1

Fuel 13 pts out of 4

Total 41 pts out of 16

Number of boxes - 7 out of 7

 

One good thing:  Morning cuddles

Time with agents:  Helping Youngest Agent find a hiding spot

 

  • Like 2

You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream - C.S. Lewis

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8 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

I just feel like I am letting you all down if I don't get my boxes. 

We don't care about your boxes. We care about YOU.

 

8 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

In all my time doing this whole "get healthy thing" I never did figure out how long it takes to lose stuff, so I don't know what is manageable.

There's not actually an answer. Most advice says not to lose more than 2 pounds per week because it'd be pretty extreme. But on the other hand, weight tends to fall off faster (initially) when you're bigger. And there are so many other things that affect it as well. I think 25 pounds in 6 months is pretty reasonable, but try to avoid looking for numbers and focus more on how you feel and how your clothes fit. Cliche advice, but bodies are weird and dumb and don't play by the rules you want them to.

  • Like 2

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Je suis partie pour reconstruire ma vie

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19 hours ago, Rookie said:

Good job with the challenge so far and just life in general! Following

Hey Rookie, Been meaning to buzz by your challenge.  I read it not logged in the other day, but I need to officially go over and say hi.
 

Thanks for the support, I could use it right now.  Just gotta keep going right?

  • Like 1

You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream - C.S. Lewis

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14 hours ago, fleaball said:

We don't care about your boxes. We care about YOU.

 

The first 2 times I read this, my brain went "LIES.... LIES.... They need you to be perfect. People only like you when your perfect and helpful. " I Know its not true, and I am trying to remember that, but its also much easier to go "Hey look at this  A I got on a paper" Than "Hey, look at this paper I failed by not even trying" . Does that make sense?

 

14 hours ago, fleaball said:

There's not actually an answer. Most advice says not to lose more than 2 pounds per week because it'd be pretty extreme. But on the other hand, weight tends to fall off faster (initially) when you're bigger. And there are so many other things that affect it as well. I think 25 pounds in 6 months is pretty reasonable, but try to avoid looking for numbers and focus more on how you feel and how your clothes fit. Cliche advice, but bodies are weird and dumb and don't play by the rules you want them to.

I would love to be down 25 lbs,  I would love to be down 5 lbs (note scale went up again today).  but I will never be the "hey look how my clothes fit" since I am doing good to notice myself. I know where I am at is not that "big" but it honestly is not good for me mentally or emotionally. Right now, I am just kinda a mess and the excess weight makes it worse and the feeling slow and weak doesn't help either.  Part of me just wants a win in SOMETHING that isnt' a fight, does that make sense?

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You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream - C.S. Lewis

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QUick update since there is an inch of snow outside, and there is still more coming down and I gotta take Agents to buses.

 

Estate I made a breakthrough with the insurance company. Apparently they have a department that works with families with loved ones that passed. This makes dealing with them SO much easier. At least now I have someone I can call and she is not requiring me to have my mom available.

 

School - I tried listening to the new "lectures" for my fun class sine apparently people wanted them to explain stuff more. With my headache, I made it 3 minutes since she kept breathing on the mike and making that sudden "buh" noise. My head objected

 

Challenge/life - I had a killer headache all day. Work was me struggling with getting something working, but I am close. My friend who moved up had our weekly dinner and that was fun, but he wanted to get home ahead of the snow. Challenge I did get all my boxes, but it wasn't a great day. I was tired and my head hurt and I really just wanted to be done. I went to bed okay, but I still just don't care. WE have trick or treating tonight, Youngest Agent's pumpkin is half done, we don't have costumes picked out for anyone (We have the stuff, just got to pull it out) and I don't even know where the Halloween candy I bought went. 

 

So here are my boxes and things.

 

Strength 3 pts out of 1

Flexibility  5 pts out of 2

Life and Family 8 pts out of 4

Fight Chaos - Clean 2 pts out of 2

Fight Chaos - Purge 3 pts out of 2

Walking 1 pt out of 1

Fuel 11 pts out of 4

Total 33 pts out of 16

Number of boxes - 7 out of 7

 

One good thing:  friend dinner

Time with agents:  Cuddle time

 

  • Like 3

You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream - C.S. Lewis

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17 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

The first 2 times I read this, my brain went "LIES.... LIES.... They need you to be perfect. People only like you when your perfect and helpful. " I Know its not true, and I am trying to remember that, but its also much easier to go "Hey look at this  A I got on a paper" Than "Hey, look at this paper I failed by not even trying" . Does that make sense?

I get it. And I'm gonna keep reminding you your brain is a dick and we care about you because you're you and you're our friend, not because we want you to do or be a certain thing for us. <3

 

17 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

I would love to be down 25 lbs,  I would love to be down 5 lbs (note scale went up again today).  but I will never be the "hey look how my clothes fit" since I am doing good to notice myself. I know where I am at is not that "big" but it honestly is not good for me mentally or emotionally. Right now, I am just kinda a mess and the excess weight makes it worse and the feeling slow and weak doesn't help either.  Part of me just wants a win in SOMETHING that isnt' a fight, does that make sense?

Totally hear you. I'll probably ignore everything I told you and only do a happy dance when my scale goes down, not when I can wear smaller clothes. It's still good for both of us to try to remember that the scale isn't the ultimate authority on how healthy we are or how good we're allowed to feel though. I'm not too far behind you in the weight department and it sucks balls.

  • Like 2

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On 10/31/2019 at 6:42 AM, Bean Sidhe said:

Estate I made a breakthrough with the insurance company. Apparently they have a department that works with families with loved ones that passed. This makes dealing with them SO much easier. At least now I have someone I can call and she is not requiring me to have my mom available.

How did they not make that department known to you the FIRST time you called them!? Still, at least  you have it now and I'm happy something is getting easier.

 

 

 

 

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Put together enough small wins over a long enough period of time, and you’ll find yourself in high level gear fighting dragons before you know it.

Whisper Game Mode Easy

Spoiler

 

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On 11/1/2019 at 1:13 AM, fleaball said:

I get it. And I'm gonna keep reminding you your brain is a dick and we care about you because you're you and you're our friend, not because we want you to do or be a certain thing for us. <3

 

Thank you. I will probably need the reminder. I pulled a "Bean Says she is going to go hang on NF most of Friday. World got dumb, not going to infect others with my mood" moment and didn't.  (Friday was BAD)

 

 

On 11/1/2019 at 1:13 AM, fleaball said:

Totally hear you. I'll probably ignore everything I told you and only do a happy dance when my scale goes down, not when I can wear smaller clothes. It's still good for both of us to try to remember that the scale isn't the ultimate authority on how healthy we are or how good we're allowed to feel though. I'm not too far behind you in the weight department and it sucks balls.

 

Maybe if we remind each other enough, we will start to remember ourselves (BTW, scale went up AGAIN last week. Damn thing).

 

  • Like 2

You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream - C.S. Lewis

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On 11/1/2019 at 2:56 PM, Whisper said:

How did they not make that department known to you the FIRST time you called them!? Still, at least  you have it now and I'm happy something is getting easier.

 

 

So its not just me that would of gone "Why did no one tell me to check for the sympathy card from your company or send me to someone to tell me who to contact instead of going through multiple stupid phone calls and forms before finding it by ACCIDENT?

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You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream - C.S. Lewis

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So Halloween went really well considering. I didn't eat any sugar or candy at ALL, I found out from my new insurance friend that the entire hospital say and ambulance ride for my dad is 100% covered and we don't owe anything.  Also found out that apparently the new job is doing a thanksgiving dinner day and a Christmas dinner thing and that student worker girl is invited. I did get all the boxes done even after the Halloween thing. Sad thing is I have a TON of candy since it was below freezing and snowing so no one went trick or treating.

 

I also pulled Youngest Agent's entire costume out of stuff I had laying around, so no money spent there.

 

Challenge wise, not as good as other days because well trick or treat and stuff, but I still did okay

 

So here are my boxes and things.

 

Strength 1 pts out of 1

Flexibility  5 pts out of 2

Life and Family 7 pts out of 4

Fight Chaos - Clean 3 pts out of 2

Fight Chaos - Purge 3 pts out of 2

Walking 2 pt out of 1

Fuel 10 pts out of 4

Total 31 pts out of 16

Number of boxes - 7 out of 7

 

One good thing:  Trick or treaters remembered me from Youngest last school and said they missed me

Time with agents:  making a costume out of things we had laying around

 

 

  • Like 2

You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream - C.S. Lewis

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Then Friday happened.

Morning started with get agents to bus, then take Mom to work (Her car was with Hubby getting new tires wouldn't drive his) and listen to her whine about getting in my car (its on a truck bed so a bit higher up). Then she hands me a paper and says "I need all this information by Tues, I didn't want to give it to you on Sunday and stress you out"  and its all info I have been working on for estate about finances.  But giving it to me Friday means I can make calls about it when? At this point, I was still at the "I can do all of this, and my big plan for the day, and I got it."

 

Then I come home to try and watch the new "videos" for what use to be fun class (apparently people wanted videos instead of notes to read). The teacher was breathing in the mic and I got through 9 minutes of the 1.25 hour lecture in 45 minutes because she goes fast and the slides don't cover everything. I got a headache and my mood got worse.

 

I was suppose to go plant garlic (from previous weekend), but there was 3 inches of snow on the ground in the beds and I decided to wait until after lunch so the snow would melt.
 

Then I decide to contact Skype about an email my dad got about a bill due. A) Skype does NOT have an online phone number (do not call the one that will come up, its slegal at best). So I called it, and then went into a panic attack that I fell for a scammer with my dad and mom. I then try to get a hold of Skype by virtual assistant that SUCKS since "Death notice" doesn't do anything and they give you articles to try to solve the problem first. (they don't). I finally get a person and she keeps asking to remote my computer and I need the email address and we can reset the password and you can only cancel the subscription and account IN THE app once you download it.  I finally get enough out of her that we need to do it the hard way and I give up and tell them their business is harder to cancel than a credit card or credit reporting agency and get off.

 

This is where Bean goes  completely off the rails. I had a panic attack, I fell hard. Nothing else was done. food was eaten I didn't need and I did nothing. I was basically trying to not cry or crying for about 4 hours. Then I had to pull myself together and get Youngest Agent who had a Tween girl drama day and hold her together. Then get mom and take her home to have her get all upset with me again and then complain about everything I tried to do to help.

 

The rest of the night was cookies, sitting on my butt and feeling like I was tired of Fighting. Hubby dealt with the scammer thing (not real scammers, and I didn't tell them much, but still) and I gave up. I did get boxes done (mostly since Hubby made me) but I just kept saying "I am tired of everything being a fight"

 

So there it is, I stayed away since I was a mess and I didn't want to bring you all down. Overall I am better today, mostly since I haven't really been alone. I think partly yesterday was only the 2nd or 3rd day where I was alone like that since my Dad died. There was no one to keep me on task. I am going to have to get better about being alone and getting things done.

 

Boxes got done again thanks to Hubby. I got 32 out of 16, so I will take it. but it was bad.

 

So here are my boxes and things.

 

Strength 1 pts out of 1

Flexibility  5 pts out of 2

Life and Family 9 pts out of 4

Fight Chaos - Clean 4 pts out of 2

Fight Chaos - Purge 3 pts out of 2

Walking 2 pt out of 1

Fuel 8 pts out of 4

Total 32 pts out of 16

Number of boxes - 7 out of 7

 

One good thing:  tried texting sister and checked with her. Didn't tell her about me

Time with agents:  Tween girl drama talk

 

  • Like 1

You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream - C.S. Lewis

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Updates and things.

 

Friday's funk lasted into Saturday. After some serious thinking and talking, I think it comes down to I don't just ran out of hope. I mean Hubby and I were talking and he said "its like as soon as we make a plan, the world explodes and we never get it back" and that's when I realized, I was out of hope. I have no hope that any of the changes I do will help. I was thinking about how 3+ years ago, I was in such better shape, I was running most nights on the treadmill, with homework, I was easily 50 lbs lighter, and then I had to have some dental surgery and I couldn't eat or exercise for 3 months. And then life has been a continual mess since then. I didn't even do my yearly timed 5K this year. I just didn't care. I saw it was signing up, but I told myself I was too busy to bother. But really, didn't want to, didn't see a point. I know I am in worse shape now than I was even 6 months ago.

 

Yes, the last 4 months involved working 2 busy jobs, new job, death, agent changing schools, routines out a window. And its not like I have been doing nothing, but hope is gone. I feel like its inevitable that I will be  400+ lbs and unable to walk by the time I am 60.

 

Anyway (I got rambling), Saturday I realized hope is gone. It just is. I need to fix that, but I don't know how. Its not like I can go buy hope at the store. So Hubby made me do my boxes since we both know routines help. I am still not on the treadmill every night like we said last week, but I am doing something. 

 

Oh and we finished pulling the garden and planting garlic on Saturday. So the garden is officially done until Jan.

 

Saturday boxes and things

So here are my boxes and things.

 

Strength 3 pts out of 1

Flexibility  6 pts out of 2

Life and Family 13 pts out of 4

Fight Chaos - Clean 3 pts out of 2

Fight Chaos - Purge 5 pts out of 2

Walking 1 pt out of 1

Fuel 5 pts out of 4

Total 36 pts out of 16

Number of boxes - 7 out of 7

 

One good thing:  Garden is officially done

Time with agents:  cuddles

  • Like 1

You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream - C.S. Lewis

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