Heidi: Retreat

[Heidi]

Welcome to the WayBack.

Inner Light is revealed in the deep darkness.

 

It has been quite the year so far, a bit of a (hopefully) final boss fight in a trilogy of trilogies of weirdness. Frankly, I feel as though I’ve been through some Stephen R. Donaldson weirdness since 2013 (the original Year That Would Not Die). At this point, I don’t know if I would recognize the person I was back then if I met her on the street. They say the butterfly still remembers its caterpillar-self, though.

 

This challenge starts off with a beautiful New Moon that promises insights and revelations, if we are still enough to receive them, and flexible enough to absorb the sometimes shocking adjustments to perspective and attitude, in ourselves as well as in others. The cycle since the end of August has been a very difficult Releasing for me -- I have been stubbornly clinging on to what I want to be real instead of accepting disappointment. This is always hard. The last four weeks have been especially tumultuous, with my blind persistence nearly eclipsing the opportunities that loss makes the way for.

 

I feel as though my whole world is about to pivot. In preparation, I’m taking heading to a meditation commune for a New Moon retreat and I’ve taken a vow of silence for a week. I haven’t said a word with my physical voice since Friday morning, and they were telling words indeed, “I don’t trust you.”

 

I am drawing away from situations filled with injury, illness, and invalidation. I don't know what I have left to say or what I'm capable of. I don't know where I belong. There is a charge in the air, a potential about to be zapped into being. I have drawings for an off-grid Public Philosophy House; I have the beginnings of a proposal for a course of doctoral study; I have an article to submit for peer review. The retreat will be filled with three hours of meditation a day and lots of introspection. I’m looking forward to it.

 

Into the darkness.

[darkfoxx]

Glad to see you here and posting - good hunting(?) at your retreat, that sounds like a fantastic way to end the year! 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

May your journey through the darkness to the inner light end in a discovery of light no darkness will ever be able to hide again.

[Heidi]

Welcome to the WayBack. I am back from the Mountains and from days sliced into segments by meditation.

There was a Wandering Day, where I kept walking even when I wasn't paying attention, and an ash-grey deer startled me as she walked next to me, showing me how far I had meandered.

I looked around and noticed that these were not my leaves, that the soil was somehow utterly unfamiliar.

I wandered some more, finding less and less to recognize, the daylight dripping behind me and sliding down the ridge.

I had to turn and call, the truth coming forth as a plea to the Universe:

I think I'm lost.

I don't know which way to go.

I need help.

I don't have any idea how I got here.

The voice that returned up the mountain was deep and certain, disembodied and everywhere. 

That's nothing new.

I took a deep breath and laughed.

It sure is pretty up here though, I replied.

My host asked me to call again a few times as he climbed my way, winding toward the top of the ridge where I had managed to get stranded. Once in sight, he sat at the base of a tree and waited as I made my way down the steep mountain face to join him.  We walked side by side through the narrowness of the ridge until we came, miles away, to the edge of the land that I recognized.

Well, that was some journey. And you know where you are now. He went back to the garden where he had been harvesting the winter squash and sweet potatoes for curing before the frost.

I made my way inside, depleted and relieved. 

 

It's true:

I'm lost.

I don't know which way to go.

I need help.

I don't have any idea how I got here.

 

But a voice in the loneliness is a good focal point for a beginning.

 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

In a hunters education class the point was once made that the very first thing you should do when you are lost is admit to yourself you are lost. You have done that, and asked for help. I would be honored to be one of those helping you now.

[Heidi]

15 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

In a hunters education class the point was once made that the very first thing you should do when you are lost is admit to yourself you are lost. You have done that, and asked for help. I would be honored to be one of those helping you now.

I am blessed to have you along with me.

Thanks, @Tanktimus the Encourager

[Heidi]

I am weary today.

The events of this year have taken a mighty toll on me physically, and my cells are rallying to go on strike for an overdue rest period.

My chronic fatigue has resurfaced.

 

I'm supposed to be finishing a timeline for MFA submission, writing a response paper for a poetry craft session, writing an article for peer review, drafting up two proposals for short essays for an anthology, and drafting a book pitch.

 

So far I have managed to take a bath and make ginger-lemon-hibiscus tea.

 

I've pared my focus to all but the timeline.

Just as on the ridge, the focal point is everything.

[Heidi]

Two pages so far.

Six more to go.

Taking a little break, because even small activities wear me out.

But it's a start.

The emotions on this piece are deep, like standing water that seems to be a puddle but consume a whole car during a flood.

Deceptively still-looking too.

[Heidi]

I was going to add "just one more thing" and now it's 12 pages long.

It's nowhere near done.

that's okay.

I'm stopping for real, now.

[Heidi]

I rested yesterday and paid some bills. I managed to eat. Some days this is the sum total of what victory looks like. Coming after the writing submission and adding in cleaning my sword, and I take it as a solid win. This morning I'm moving slowly, but moving. I have a meeting with a Director of Graduate Studies to discuss possibilities of doctoral work in the Philosophy and Cultural Inquiry. I'm pretty excited, actually. 

 

I vacuumed the kitchen, dining room, and the carpet in the living room. This wore me out, so I'm making tea and catching my breath before the call.

I've decided to skip the submissions for the anthology -- there will be other opportunities, and  I need to stay on one focal point at a time.

Like descending the ridge, it's best to keep my calm and just go in one direction toward a familiar Friend.

 

Happy hunting this fine Soul's Day.

[Heidi]

I rested for a day -- re-entry is hard -- and then as fate would have it there were a half-dozen will-o-the-wisp lights that pulled me this way and that, little messages of belongingness from the Universe.

 

A friend sent a flyer on a shamanic journey of grief retreat weekend.

A friend inquired if I had considered a particular doctoral program that he thinks I would excel at. I had an online meeting with the director. I am exploring options.

A friend mentioned that there might be a host family willing to give me a room in a house at the same location as the university with the doctoral program, an illustration of serendipity.

A friend asked where to go ice skating. We went together on Saturday, and I laughed and didn't die and had the best day I'd had in months.

A friend went to a grown-up dinner with me on Sunday, and we had such a good time, we're going to go to the movies together sometime next week-ish.

A friend said he wants to write a whole slew of songs together, soon, probably online but then a week or so together in LA. I said yes to both.

The draft schedule for the APA Conference in Chicago in February came out. A friend bought my plane ticket and reserved a room for me. I am stunned but mostly grateful.

 

Today was a whirlwind of meeting with Vivian's new therapist and then meeting with my therapist and then taking a bath and cooking.

Tomorrow I vote.

[Heidi]

Wow. Another week has gone by.

I cleared my emotional and personal space -- just emptied out the inside of me and lay back, letting the Universe see me and do with me as it would. This is what surrender looks like.

The dinner on Sunday was delightful. It led to a movie last night -- The Lighthouse -- that was twisty and dark and weird and fun to watch together. I laughed afterward that it certainly was nice to get asked to what will go down in history as the feel-good movie of the year (it won't, for certain), and he asked me to choose what we see next time. I'm looking forward to it.

 

The American Philosophical Association invited me to be on their Philosophy & Sustainability social media outreach committee. I said yes, and it became official yesterday afternoon. I'm excited and nearly laughed when the committee chair said she was so honored to have me on the team. Wow. I feel like a real person. (nearly. sorta.)

 

The songwriting will begin after the winter solstice when the composer comes to visit for a couple weeks. I'm looking forward to walking through the snow, crafting lyrics and catching up on our lives, showing him around my little corner of the world.

 

Also, I might end up in Israel for a bit to do a podcast about the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves and our world, who we are and what our role in it is.

 

Happy Friday.

 

 

[Heidi]

Oh, I forgot to mention that we had an election here, and I threw myself into the get-out-the-vote activities for days before.

Voters turned out in great numbers and wrested legislative control back for the first time in nearly 25 years. This is a major victory since the voting districts were skewed horribly to keep the conservatives in power.

 

There will be more updates on this, but the govenor has already declared that there will be deeply progressive legislation brought forth at the new year.

 

[Heidi]

A nationwide manhunt for an AWOL Marine wanted in a homicide rolled into my neighborhood at dawn, complete with armored vehicles, tactical units, riot gear, and turret guns.

These are strange times, folks, since the major news alerts were that we all had to scramble to go lock our doors and cars in this otherwise sleepy town. Schools, museums, daycares, libraries, Mainstreet shops, even the theatre was closed. The lockdown was lifted at 3:30 this afternoon, but it took a real toll on all our nerves and peace of mind.  The suspect is still at large, but authorities think he has left the area. I'm praying for peace and peace of mind.

 

I got asked to be a team lead for the national committee on Philosophers & Sustainability's Public Philosophy team. This is strange to me, and wonderful; I said yes.

I wrote an email to the other members of the newly formed team and we are all getting together online in early December to meet and talk about possible projects. 

I'm also on the Philosophers & Sustainability Social Media Outreach committee, so there's no lack of activity in my online world.

 

My composer friend is coming to town at the holiday and we're going to look for a space to buy. He's a go-big-or-go-home type dreamer as well, so who knows what we will come up with?

 

I have felt very withdrawn lately. My friend took me shopping -- something I never do -- and then to lunch before a couple errands. It was delightful, but it has left me drained for days. Chronic fatigue is no joke.

 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

The philosophy and sustainability group intrigues me. Am I correct in assuming sustainability refers to environmental sustainability? If so how does the group integrate philosophy into the search for sustainability.

 

More importantly, I'm glad you are safe, sorry you had such a harrowing experience, and hope your fatigue gets better.

[Heidi]

The fatigue comes and goes; when it's here it's debilitating.

The manhunt has ended, and we are all safe (which we probably were in the first place, but breaking news updates takes a deep toll on the nerves).

 

In the meantime, I have found some additional fellowships and grants to apply for, and a possible place to submit a book proposal. 

I'm drafting a paper proposal, unrelated to any of the above, and only tangentially springing from my earlier works.

The Philosophy and Sustainability group is focused on how the investigation of big issues with an eye for looking at the structures of (distributive) justice can inform and assist with future problem-solving strategies, especially in urban areas that seem to have only focused on being "business-friendly" or "a place with nice shops." Distributive justice is intrinsically interwoven in the types of city development and urban planning activities that are going to be required as we look at how once liveable and lovely cities have become death traps from climate change new-normals, including high winds and flash flooding. I dig this sort of analysis deeply; i like it so much that it helps me when I'm stuck on the couch, barely able to type from fatigue. These are the sorts of issues around which I want to build my doctoral dissertation. Might as well write about what I love.

 

Speaking of writing, my mentor has agreed to be my thesis advisor, and the whole thesis committee is almost completely assembled. The structure is nearly mapped out, and the final rough draft is due February 24, the day before I get on a plant to go to a conference in Chicago where I will deliver my (completely unrelated) presentation on Authenticity, Connectedness, and Hope: The Ethical Life. I'm looking forward to all of it, which is fortunate since there will be a ton of writing between now and then.  So far, there is very little writing on the horizon after March, and even that is only a craft presentation that I will deliver during the graduation residency in May. I'm looking forward to a bit of a break. Maybe I'll catch up on all those delicious murder mysteries that I haven't read in forever.

 

The thesis advisor has taken to calling the work "the book," which is intimidating as hell, I have to confess.

 

I need a driver.

I'm seriously looking into the Tesla Model S so that once I get cleared to drive I can use the fully self-driving mode for 95% of what I do.

[Heidi]

 

 

 

1

On 11/15/2019 at 12:34 PM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

The philosophy and sustainability group intrigues me. Am I correct in assuming sustainability refers to environmental sustainability? If so how does the group integrate philosophy into the search for sustainability.

http://www.philosophersforsustainability.com/

[DarK_RaideR]

Hello friend. Glad to find you again. Reading all these words was a pleasure as always. There's a certain poetry to your writing, a light that resonates through the words. Never stop.

[Heidi]

On 11/28/2019 at 4:28 PM, DarK_RaideR said:

Hello friend. Glad to find you again. Reading all these words was a pleasure as always. There's a certain poetry to your writing, a light that resonates through the words. Never stop.

Thank you, @DarK_RaideR. This matters. A lot of the words I have written this challenge have used the ink produced when I wrung out my soul, and next round is going to be a deep dive, too.

 

Mad props to @DarK_RaideR and @Tanktimus the Encourager (which I always spell Tanktimouse, accidentally the first time but probably not any times after).

Can we all just turn into mice and have a nice cup of tea by the fire? 

Hm. Think I'll use this for the holiday challenge round.