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Zaethe: Winter in the Summerlands


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Fun game of today, trying to sleep while your toes are engulfed in burning pain.  You wouldn't think that this would be as much of an issue as it is.

 

Now it's 7am and I'm trying to figure out whether I should still try to sleep or whether I should say fuck it and just stay up as long as I humanly can.

Fight your foes in the field, nor be burnt in your house.

 

 

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5 hours ago, Zaethe said:

*hug* thanks.  Honestly I'm probably gonna start pulling away from my dad a bit this coming year, because the narcissism is getting to be too much for me emotionally.  I already have enough baggage without adding to it.  So if he decides to cut me out of his life for it.  No major loss.

Not trying to rain on the parade here, but based on the reading I've been doing about narcissists over the past 2 years, I'm pretty sure they never go away. You can try to cut him out by blocking his number and shutting down people he sends your way to do his bidding, but they don't really disappear on their own.

 

Also these seems obvious but look specifically for a trauma specialist when you get to that point. I had two other therapists in the past (one great, one not so much but she was my first therapist so I didn't know better) and the responses and advice I'm getting from my current therapist to the same things I told the others in the past are wildly different and much more helpful because she understands the context. 

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1 minute ago, fleaball said:

Not trying to rain on the parade here, but based on the reading I've been doing about narcissists over the past 2 years, I'm pretty sure they never go away. You can try to cut him out by blocking his number and shutting down people he sends your way to do his bidding, but they don't really disappear on their own.

 

Also these seems obvious but look specifically for a trauma specialist when you get to that point. I had two other therapists in the past (one great, one not so much but she was my first therapist so I didn't know better) and the responses and advice I'm getting from my current therapist to the same things I told the others in the past are wildly different and much more helpful because she understands the context. 

 

Yeah...I figure he's not going away but also he's just so self absorbed that if I don't stay in touch I won't hear from him for a couple of weeks before he realises, so I can make that work for me.

 

I feel this on therapists so hard.  I didn't realise that's what the issue was but my first therapist actually misdiagnosed cptsd as borderline personality, and put me onto an antipsychotic that caused me to gain 200lbs with alarming rapidity.  I had some good sessions with a trauma therapist a few years after and then I promptly up and moved to a country where I can get 5 therapy sessions a year on medicare before I need to pay 400+ an hour, and I don't have private insurance.

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Jesus. You and medical professionals don't really have a good track record, do you? 

 

Also, question. Based on past posts it sounds like you're British and moved to Australia. Money issues aside, is there any reason to stay in Australia vs going back to the UK? Seems like they're both enough of a shitshow at this point (so is the US, no judgment) that it doesn't make that big a difference, but maybe the NHS might not suck as much as the healthcare system you're dealing with now? This is entirely based on what I know from the internet so if I'm way off base I apologize.

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Just now, fleaball said:

Jesus. You and medical professionals don't really have a good track record, do you? 

 

Also, question. Based on past posts it sounds like you're British and moved to Australia. Money issues aside, is there any reason to stay in Australia vs going back to the UK? Seems like they're both enough of a shitshow at this point (so is the US, no judgment) that it doesn't make that big a difference, but maybe the NHS might not suck as much as the healthcare system you're dealing with now? This is entirely based on what I know from the internet so if I'm way off base I apologize.

 

Mental and emotional health wise I'm better off here.  Healthcare is a bit of a toss up but for the most part it does it's job okay.  I don't do well in England, lots of bad memories, bad weather and about five figures worth of debt I'm hiding from :P  

 

If it were just the healthcare issue you're right, I'd be better off in the UK.  But I'd also be trapped in near-inescapable poverty and would probably end up right back in the pit I was in mental health wise before I got on a plane.  

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6 minutes ago, Zaethe said:

Oh also I'm dual national :P  I'm a citizen here and back in the UK, so I can live in either place freely

Gotcha. I figured with your dad there and your mom having been in the UK it might be something like that. 
 

Makes sense that you wouldn’t go back under those circumstances. I mostly asked because I know some people who move away from somewhere think moving back indicates failure and I was ready to convince you otherwise if that were the case. 

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9 hours ago, Zaethe said:

 

Honestly I'm probably gonna start pulling away from my dad a bit this coming year, because the narcissism is getting to be too much for me emotionally.  I already have enough baggage without adding to it.  So if he decides to cut me out of his life for it.  No major loss. 

 

I am happy to hear that you do not feel obligated to keep a close relationship with someone that is toxic just because they happen to be a parent. Far to many people seem to have trouble with this for themselves, or assume that everyone's parents were/are as healthy and functional as theirs. That isn't necessarily the case, and you need to feel free to decide for yourself if this is a relationship that helps or hinders you, without dealing with other people's expectations. 

 

Spoiler because I feel weird putting a personal story in someone else's thread...

Spoiler

I was estranged from my mother for about 7 years (she never called me back, I stopped reaching out, took her that long to call me). We were in contact again for less than a year before her repeated violations of my boundaries caused me to tell her to stop contacting me again. "Have you come to terms with God for making you a monster" was just a bit too much.

 

My father, after it came to light that he was living in a foreclosed trailer with no power or water, discovered a dark conspiracy on the part of my siblings, his brother and I to provide him with food and shelter, decided to cut the family off with an "I'm going back to my trailer to live or freeze or starve and I don't care which." Good times, good times... 

 

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3 minutes ago, Whisper said:

Spoiler because I feel weird putting a personal story in someone else's thread...

  Reveal hidden contents

I was estranged from my mother for about 7 years (she never called me back, I stopped reaching out, took her that long to call me). We were in contact again for less than a year before her repeated violations of my boundaries caused me to tell her to stop contacting me again. "Have you come to terms with God for making you a monster" was just a bit too much.

 

My father, after it came to light that he was living in a foreclosed trailer with no power or water, discovered a dark conspiracy on the part of my siblings, his brother and I to provide him with food and shelter, decided to cut the family off with an "I'm going back to my trailer to live or freeze or starve and I don't care which." Good times, good times... 

 

Jesus Christ. 

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4 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Jesus Christ. 

Oh, the looks I get when people ask about my parents and I tell them that I am "happily estranged".

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5 hours ago, Zaethe said:

Fun game of today, trying to sleep while your toes are engulfed in burning pain.  You wouldn't think that this would be as much of an issue as it is.

I would think burning pain in my toes would make sleeping really damn hard.

 

BBC keeps telling me that Australia is engulfed in flames and hitting a massive heatwave; stay safe and stay hydrated. Hope you can get some rest. 

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7 hours ago, fleaball said:

Gotcha. I figured with your dad there and your mom having been in the UK it might be something like that. 
 

Makes sense that you wouldn’t go back under those circumstances. I mostly asked because I know some people who move away from somewhere think moving back indicates failure and I was ready to convince you otherwise if that were the case. 

 

Yeah nah, the country just makes me miserable.  Now that I'm out of it in 40c (104f) degree weather I sometimes get nostalgia for wintertime, but then I realise that the nostalgia I'm actually getting is for the romanticised wintertime you see on tv, and that I loathe the cold with a passion :P 

 

3 hours ago, Whisper said:

 

I am happy to hear that you do not feel obligated to keep a close relationship with someone that is toxic just because they happen to be a parent. Far to many people seem to have trouble with this for themselves, or assume that everyone's parents were/are as healthy and functional as theirs. That isn't necessarily the case, and you need to feel free to decide for yourself if this is a relationship that helps or hinders you, without dealing with other people's expectations. 

 

Spoiler because I feel weird putting a personal story in someone else's thread...

  Reveal hidden contents

I was estranged from my mother for about 7 years (she never called me back, I stopped reaching out, took her that long to call me). We were in contact again for less than a year before her repeated violations of my boundaries caused me to tell her to stop contacting me again. "Have you come to terms with God for making you a monster" was just a bit too much.

 

My father, after it came to light that he was living in a foreclosed trailer with no power or water, discovered a dark conspiracy on the part of my siblings, his brother and I to provide him with food and shelter, decided to cut the family off with an "I'm going back to my trailer to live or freeze or starve and I don't care which." Good times, good times... 

 

 

Yeah no, I cut contact with my mother for years upon years because I just couldn't cope with her.  I'm an old hand at cutting out toxicity these days, I don't permit it room to fester wherever possible.

 

Sorry about your folks.  It's a rough go of it, hopefully you're in a better place now.

 

3 hours ago, Whisper said:

BBC keeps telling me that Australia is engulfed in flames and hitting a massive heatwave; stay safe and stay hydrated. Hope you can get some rest. 

 

Yeah I'm west coast so we're not quite as on fire as the east coast is, though there have been two large fires within 10 minute drives from my place in the last week or so.  I'm looking after myself best I can :) 

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Fight your foes in the field, nor be burnt in your house.

 

 

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On 12/17/2019 at 11:31 PM, Whisper said:

Oh, the looks I get when people ask about my parents and I tell them that I am "happily estranged".

 

Yup, I hear you here. I'm grateful other people don't understand what it's like to have toxic family, but seriously, more people need to learn to just let that go by without interrogation. 

 

7 hours ago, Zaethe said:

Because I'm not up to typing out much...instagram can do it for me.

 

/hugs. Hope you made/ can make it through the day ok. Love the quote, very useful on bad days. 

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9 hours ago, Manarelle said:

/hugs. Hope you made/ can make it through the day ok. Love the quote, very useful on bad days. 

 

I did, got home in one piece, Dad paid for my prescription for me so I actually have the meds I need, and I got a tasty burger out of it.  All in all, successful day!

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22 hours ago, Zaethe said:

I went to sleep at 9pm last night, and I woke up at 11am today.  I think the meds work!  

Woot! Sleeeeeeeeeep!

Put together enough small wins over a long enough period of time, and you’ll find yourself in high level gear fighting dragons before you know it.

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I think number one on the list of things I'm struggling to accept is that my hands are getting worse.  Finger splints should help a great deal but if they don't help all my joints in my fingers then I'm still screwed, because it's the tiny ones at the top that are the worst for bending back so much they burn with pain.  And it's not something I can fix much, there's not really any muscle there to strengthen.  My ligaments are just too weak to hold my fingertips when any pressure is applied.  I can type for a while before I need a break, but writing by hand has become quite problematic.  I was trying to make a list of things I need to get done in 2020 and yeah, no, I didn't get all that far.  Disheartening, for sure.  I love to write and be creative with my hands.

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Fight your foes in the field, nor be burnt in your house.

 

 

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On 12/22/2019 at 1:21 AM, Zaethe said:

My ligaments are just too weak to hold my fingertips when any pressure is applied.  I can type for a while before I need a break, but writing by hand has become quite problematic.  I was trying to make a list of things I need to get done in 2020 and yeah, no, I didn't get all that far.  Disheartening, for sure.  I love to write and be creative with my hands.

 

I know everything costs extraneous money, but have you looked into light-touch or soft-touch keyboards? I had a logitech keyboard at one point where the buttons were very shallow and sensitive - you didn't have to push as much to get them to register. There was also a Mac keyboard, I think it was low profile or something, that you barely had to touch the keys. Might be worth looking into to allow you to keep typing. 

 

On 12/22/2019 at 1:14 PM, Zaethe said:

Yeah, meds aren't working so well tonight.  This is worrying.  If this becomes the trend I'm gonna need to take my ass back to the docs

 

:( Crossing fingers the trend reverses. Good luck. 

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On 12/24/2019 at 3:33 AM, Manarelle said:

 

I know everything costs extraneous money, but have you looked into light-touch or soft-touch keyboards? I had a logitech keyboard at one point where the buttons were very shallow and sensitive - you didn't have to push as much to get them to register. There was also a Mac keyboard, I think it was low profile or something, that you barely had to touch the keys. Might be worth looking into to allow you to keep typing. 

 

My chromebook keyboard is softtouch, doesn't take much at all.  My fingers are janky enough that even touchscreens are a problem on worst days.  I really need the splints to keep my little joints at the tops of my fingers from just flopping backwards the moment pressure is applied

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Christmas went, and that's about all there really is to say about that.  Not a holidays person.

 

Now I'm just tired and bleh, and muddling through the rest of the week til Tuesday.  Which is my birthday, and coincidentally also a day I get paid.

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Fight your foes in the field, nor be burnt in your house.

 

 

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22 hours ago, Zaethe said:

Now I'm just tired and bleh, and muddling through the rest of the week til Tuesday.  Which is my birthday, and coincidentally also a day I get paid.

 

Happy early birthday, and that's a pretty decent birthday perk. I hear you on not being a holidays person. The gentleman and I spent a quiet day at home, working on individual projects. Don't need the muss and fuss that many people seem to engage in. Glad you survived it. 

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