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Bean Sidhe

Bean Sidhe Vs Chaos - Just get through this year.

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Let me start this challenge with the following. I am not right in the head. I am grieving/stressed out/burned out and am having a hard time. My situation is complicated due to family dynamic and the fact that not all families are healthy ones. And in the end, I am just trying to get all of us through to when stuff isn’t blowing up EVERY DAY.

For those new here:

 

Spoiler

I am a mom to 2 Agents of Chaos (Eldest and Youngest), and 4 fur agents (Agent Black (kitten 2 year old), Agent White (kitten 1 year), Agent Twilight (Kitten 6 mo old) and Agent K9 (dog age 4)). I am married and I work part time at my new job which is in my new career field. I also go to college while being that mom that tries to help at the school all the time. Both Agents are basically at new schools and I haven’t been able to be myself there yet.

This year has been rough, as was the one before. We have had so many curve balls thrown at us that have us all off balance for the last 2 years or so. Emotions are high, and that does not help my anxiety or depression. I do better when I feel I have some control somewhere. Which is what most of my challenges are. They are about getting control where I can, my eating, my exercise/flexibility, fighting the chaos in the house and in our lives, and trying to make sure I am spending time with all of those who I care for.

Things are not easy sometimes (most of the time). I am trying to balance everything while still maybe finding some time for me in the process. I am learning to try and juggle all the things while still helping here at home. There is no "go to the gym" time with kids in activities 4 nights a week and my work and schoolwork.

Long term goals: Return to a more balanced feeling, Get healthy, Have more energy, Have quality time with my family, get control of the chaos so It’s less chaos, and either avoid or learn to handle the rocks being thrown at me better.

 

I am grieving my dad. He passed at the end of August and I had to step up and get things done. My goal is to have the estate mostly done by the first of the year (so in 2020 I just need to help with Taxes).  But this isn’t an easy job when dealing with the family. I am not executor in legal standing, so I need my mom’s help to do most things. Problem is, she is not handing well and I get caught waiting on her. I also need to get my dad’s attempts at paperwork organized since my mom refused to do it for Taxes next year, so I may as well do it over winter break (Anything marked Estate lives here).

I am trying to do what I can when I can. Finals are here and I have a huge project due on the 11th with a partner I haven’t heard from in over 2 weeks. I got a feeling I will be doing it solo. Once I finish finals, I need to prepare for next semester, put away all my stuff from this semester, sell back my books I don’t want to keep from this semester, talk to my advisor and apply to graduate over break.  (Anything marked homework fits in here)

Oh and Christmas is coming. We have 5 Christmases I can think of between now and Jan 1. I have one more I still need to schedule in Jan. I have shopping to do, Christmas cards and letters with pictures to family we never see. So Christmas is a big thing (anything marked Christmas goes here)

The good news is after my bloody nose of 5 hours adventure, I am starting to finally get the whole “Take care of Bean” thing down, and I have started to drop weight. Not huge amounts, but it is finally getting somewhere. The hope is to keep going since my new job is sitting 6+ hours every day.

And this would be easier to write if Agent Black hadn’t decided to sit ON MY HANDS. Hes my little Guard Kitty who decides when I need a break.

Also I was toying with meditation but I have no idea where to begin. Any suggestions.

Anyway, I need control and doing my full challenge will let me. So I am doing a boxes challenge, but a very much slimmed down one. I am only aiming for 27 pts a day. Last challenge when I didn’t have a nose issue, I was doing easily 30 a day.

Please feel free to stick around and cheer me on. Note that I may not have much happy/holiday stuff to talk about (I am already dreading most Festive moments),  or that I may sound like I need a stiff drink, some sugar and a blanket fort. Hopefully I can come out the other side with this believing it will work. Because right now that feels like all I have and it starts on Monday 12/2

Below is my boxes. The amount of items per grouping is listed. Some stuff is different, most is the same. Here is to hoping I can start something…

Goal

Value

Description

Strength

1

Balance ball crunches

 

1

Squats

10

1

Wall Sit (sec)

 

1

Side kicks

Do 2

1

Leg lifts

2

1

 Reverse sit ups

 

1

sit ups

 

1

Knee to Elbows

 

1

Push ups

 

1

Balance Ball push ups

Flexibility

1

Wrist Extension Stretch

12

1

Upward dog/Child pose

 

1

Meditating Groot

 

1

Lord of the dance Yoga (ankle above head)

 

1

Butterfly

 

1

Bridge

Do 4

1

Ballet/toe Touch

                                                4.00

1

Sitting Fix/Shoulder stretch

 

1

Warrior 1

 

1

Warrior 3 (Eagle bird thing)

 

1

Side stretch

 

1

Forward bend

Life and Family

1

Play with Cats

 

1

NF time

 

1

Christmas prep

 

1

Use lotion on legs daily

15

1

Spend time with Agents

 

1

Water a plant

 

1

Do something for me (Stardew, read a book, date night, ect)

 

1

Plan

 

1

Be in bed by 11:30

 

1

Floss in morning

Do 7

1

Floss before bed

 

1

Work on Estate/Mom's stuff

7

1

One good thing

 

1

Give Agent K9 5 minutes of training

 

1

Homework time daily/Prep new semester

Fight Chaos

1

Pennisula/Island

Clean all these daily

1

Table / Half wall

9

1

Desk

 

1

Bathroom up

 

1

Clean off file cabinet

Do 3

1

Bathroom down

3

1

Clean off door to basement

 

1

Clean off Dresser

 

1

Counter over dishwasher

At least 5 minutes per room (at least one)

1

Kitchen

 

1

Family room

 

1

Computer room

9

1

Basement

 

1

Clean 1 thing in file cabinet

Do 3

1

Clean off nightstands

3

1

Clean 2 papers out of paper organizer

 

1

File 1 thing a day

 

1

Purge 1 thing a day

Walking

1

Walk 10500 steps

4

1

Walk 15 minutes a day

2

1

7 hours with 250 steps

do 2

1

Walk to Mordor

Fuel

1

No eating after dinner

13

1

No stupid sugar

 

1

Track breakfast

 

1

Track Second breakfast

do 6

1

Track Elevensies

 

1

Track lunch

 

1

Take Probiotic

6

1

< 3 bottles of tea

 

1

Eat Bananas Daily

 

1

Eat dried Apricots

 

1

Eat Breakfast

 

1

Eat Lunch

 

1

120 oz of water

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I'm sorry about your father. That's hard, having to do the paperwork by yourself.

I greatly admire your valour in the face of chaos and loss. 
 

1 hour ago, Bean Sidhe said:

Also I was toying with meditation but I have no idea where to begin. Any suggestions.


It's pretty easy to download the headspace app and do their free guided ones (there's a week's worth, and you can repeat them if you like). Apparently insight timer has a wide range of free guided meditations. I have my own CD with someone whose voice I like. And after practicing a bit you can do it yourself (focus on breath. notice your mind has wandered. return to focusing on breath. repeat.)

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There are lots of great guided meditations out there, but I'll focus more on meditating without them, because the sheer number can almost raise more questions than it answers

 

First thing: Look at meditation like exercise reps for the brain, not like relaxing. While you will hopefully feel more relaxed afterwards, you will probably not, especially as a beginner, feel very relaxed while doing it. You'll probably feel you're doing a lot of reps of something new and hard. Because you will be.

 

Second thing: It basically is brain exercise reps. The most common form of meditation involves focusing on something simple, often your breath, for a period of time, and observing when you get distracted and focusing again. The purpose is the repetition of noticing and refocusing, so you've practiced it for when it happens in the wild. Don't be frustrated when that happens, it happens to everyone, and is an opportunity to train. Notice also that this means meditation is the reverse of what a lot of people think it is: people think it's "clear your mind and relax, and then you start meditating," when in reality it's, "meditate, and you'll be able to start clearing your mind and relaxing".

 

Third thing: When in doubt, count breaths. The most common form is counting ten breaths on the exhale, over and over. It's simple, you'll always have the right gear to do it, and the counting gives enough feedback to know when your attention has wandered

 

Also, in rough times particularly, and with how much you're having to give these days, you may find a lot of benefit in guided metta meditation (also called loving-kindness meditation). It's a good way of focusing on the giving and receiving of emotional resources and support, and providing yourself some extra that you might not be getting elsewhere.

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Here is a sign of my life. First thing I found this morning is one of the Feline agents left a toy mouse in the toliet. It is bright green and confused me. Please let this not be a sign of the day/week/month.

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8 hours ago, Harriet said:

I'm sorry about your father. That's hard, having to do the paperwork by yourself.

 

Harriet, Thank you. It wouldn't be so hard to do the notifications and paperwork by myself. Its harder that since there was no will or anything, everyone must talk to my mom to give them permission to talk to me. So I can only go as fast as she wants, and she doesn't want to deal. She has yet to pay any bills or really talk to anyone and when she does, she has ... been unhelpful in talking to anyone. The cable company called to confirm something and she told them to do things physically impossible and for them to talk to me. They were much happier when I was done talking to them.

 

8 hours ago, Harriet said:

I greatly admire your valour in the face of chaos and loss. 
 

 

I will be honest, I had to re-read this a few times. I wouldn't call it valor, I would call it duty maybe... Someone has to get this stuff done and if I don't, it will just wait until I do. I know its what Dad would want me to do. I also know he would want my mom and brother to be helping, but I can't make them, so I go it.

 

8 hours ago, Harriet said:


It's pretty easy to download the headspace app and do their free guided ones (there's a week's worth, and you can repeat them if you like). Apparently insight timer has a wide range of free guided meditations. I have my own CD with someone whose voice I like. And after practicing a bit you can do it yourself (focus on breath. notice your mind has wandered. return to focusing on breath. repeat.)

 

This is something I have toyed with on and off. Mostly its a "Do I have the time" and "will I not hate it."  Usually when its nice (its currently snowing) in the warmer months, I just go outside and sit and listen to the world and feel the sun on my skin. Not really a thing right now. I don't have a good indoor equivalent. I need to find something when I am inside that will do the same thing of "Okay now breath and take a second to calm down"

 

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8 hours ago, sarakingdom said:

There are lots of great guided meditations out there, but I'll focus more on meditating without them, because the sheer number can almost raise more questions than it answers

 

First thing: Look at meditation like exercise reps for the brain, not like relaxing. While you will hopefully feel more relaxed afterwards, you will probably not, especially as a beginner, feel very relaxed while doing it. You'll probably feel you're doing a lot of reps of something new and hard. Because you will be.

 

Second thing: It basically is brain exercise reps. The most common form of meditation involves focusing on something simple, often your breath, for a period of time, and observing when you get distracted and focusing again. The purpose is the repetition of noticing and refocusing, so you've practiced it for when it happens in the wild. Don't be frustrated when that happens, it happens to everyone, and is an opportunity to train. Notice also that this means meditation is the reverse of what a lot of people think it is: people think it's "clear your mind and relax, and then you start meditating," when in reality it's, "meditate, and you'll be able to start clearing your mind and relaxing".

 

Third thing: When in doubt, count breaths. The most common form is counting ten breaths on the exhale, over and over. It's simple, you'll always have the right gear to do it, and the counting gives enough feedback to know when your attention has wandered

 

Also, in rough times particularly, and with how much you're having to give these days, you may find a lot of benefit in guided metta meditation (also called loving-kindness meditation). It's a good way of focusing on the giving and receiving of emotional resources and support, and providing yourself some extra that you might not be getting elsewhere.

 

 

First off, thank you for all the information.

 

In the summer months, I do what I call "Soak up the sun" which is I go sit outside for about 5 minutes or so and if my mind wanders a bit (its how I have dealt with some grief before, ect), its okay, but mostly I just try to be outside and listen to the sounds of the neighborhood and be outside and smell the herb garden and feel the sun. It helps some with my anxiety, but its not so 'formal' if that makes sense. I have found I haven't been able to do it inside because I always see something that needs me, or something I should be doing. So in the longer months where outside isn't an option, I don't get that time and I do miss the sunlight (I do have some SAD issues). 

I have never heard of the metta meditation. I may try and research that in the next few days. I would love to say life is rough right now, and with my Dad it is, but at the same time, my life always seems to be like this. I am just trying to find ways through it that are a bit healthier than the bottle and keep going I was taught.

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10 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

Also I was toying with meditation but I have no idea where to begin. Any suggestions.

 

 

 

What I do when I have a consistent meditation routine - usually when I have a work routine: 

Wake up, have coffee and water. Set timer to 5 minutes, close my eyes and try and focus on the breath without any anxious 'is the timer actually on' thoughts as long as I can.

 

BTW you are awesome for doing so many things.

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3 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

Harriet, Thank you. It wouldn't be so hard to do the notifications and paperwork by myself. Its harder that since there was no will or anything, everyone must talk to my mom to give them permission to talk to me. So I can only go as fast as she wants, and she doesn't want to deal. She has yet to pay any bills or really talk to anyone and when she does, she has ... been unhelpful in talking to anyone. The cable company called to confirm something and she told them to do things physically impossible and for them to talk to me. They were much happier when I was done talking to them.

 

I will be honest, I had to re-read this a few times. I wouldn't call it valor, I would call it duty maybe... Someone has to get this stuff done and if I don't, it will just wait until I do. I know its what Dad would want me to do. I also know he would want my mom and brother to be helping, but I can't make them, so I go it.


Oh, that sounds really trying. I was lucky in that I didn't have to execute my mother's estate; she made her brother and sister executors. I just had to write a eulogy. It sucked. It still sucks that she's not here. Oh well. Nothing for it. And yeah, I think performing a difficult and painful duty requires valour. Or maybe you want to call it resolve or resilience. Doing what has to be done--doing the job in front of you--is good work.

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One foot in front of the other.  Small steps.  You're doing more than fine, you've got this.

 

I don't know how it works over there, but is it possible to contact your advisor/teacher person and discuss that you've not heard from your partner for this assignment in weeks?  Cause that would be grounds for either an extension to do two people's work, or a bolstered grade for your contribution in a lot of places.

 

I'll be in the corner, putting up those workplace style motivational posters enthusiastically.

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11 hours ago, Echoceanic said:

 

What I do when I have a consistent meditation routine - usually when I have a work routine: 

Wake up, have coffee and water. Set timer to 5 minutes, close my eyes and try and focus on the breath without any anxious 'is the timer actually on' thoughts as long as I can.

You  have no idea how good this sounds as a morning. I usually get something like "Alarm goes off at 5:30, Yell at kids to get up, roll over while saying "I need to get moving", repeat until 6, do a couple quick exercises if I remember (leg lifts and sit ups) while in bed, continue to yell at kids to move it, climb over youngest agent (after snuggles) on my phone checking weather to get to bathroom and start moving, Remind Oldest Agent what time it is, finish dressing, go downstairs, walk yard to check for rabbits, let K9 out and stand there with him to ensure I didn't miss anyone, come back in and yell at any agents NOT Downstairs to move it if they want to eat, get on NF (if time) while reminding people to get school stuff together and get ready for school, and then eat breakfast (if time, sometimes this is eaten the car on the way to work), make lunches, d my hair, teeth and things, Oldest out door by 7:45, Youngest Agent out the door at 8 with me following minutes behind to get to work by 9. "

Sadly, you should of seen the routine before. The big one is I need more sleep so I stop rolling over and dozing off till after 6 is the biggest part. Right now I know I will miss it when they leave so I am trying to enjoy it.

 

11 hours ago, Echoceanic said:

BTW you are awesome for doing so many things.

 

Thanks, see i don't see it as doing so much, but rather doing what needs done. It has to get done, there is no "Sorry, can't do that"

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8 hours ago, Harriet said:


Oh, that sounds really trying. I was lucky in that I didn't have to execute my mother's estate; she made her brother and sister executors. I just had to write a eulogy. It sucked. It still sucks that she's not here. Oh well. Nothing for it. And yeah, I think performing a difficult and painful duty requires valour. Or maybe you want to call it resolve or resilience. Doing what has to be done--doing the job in front of you--is good work.

 

If there was a will, this would be easier since I wouldn't need my mom. But theres not, so guess I gotta do it. Thank you, I am so use to being the whipping child when it comes to this family, I tend to walk out of my mom's saying "Thanks for letting me make a phone call" because thats what I know. So knowing that people think I am doing good or valor or resolve is weird.  Its more "Bean does the stuff so we don't have to" . This I take after my Dad with.

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7 hours ago, Zaethe said:

One foot in front of the other.  Small steps.  You're doing more than fine, you've got this.

 

That is what I am trying.  some days are harder than others.

 

7 hours ago, Zaethe said:

I don't know how itworks over there, but is it possible to contact your advisor/teacher person and discuss that you've not heard from your partner for this assignment in weeks?  Cause that would be grounds for either an extension to do two people's work, or a bolstered grade for your contribution in a lot of places.

 

That is a thought. I am going to email him one more time today and be like "here is where we are, we have 9 days, we gotta do this." and see what comes back.

 

 

7 hours ago, Zaethe said:

I'll be in the corner, putting up those workplace style motivational posters enthusiastically.

 

Can we use this one next?

infinite_motivational_poster.gif

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14 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

Here is a sign of my life. First thing I found this morning is one of the Feline agents left a toy mouse in the toliet. It is bright green and confused me. Please let this not be a sign of the day/week/month.

Better a toy than a live one?

 

When I started meditation I used Headspace at first and it was a good intro. Insight Timer has a ton of different videos and people you can pick from to listen to. Stop, Breathe, and Think has a bunch of short ones that you can probably squeeze into your day somewhere. (Do I use any of these right now? Nope. That's a Next Year goal at this point.)

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10 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

You  have no idea how good this sounds as a morning.

 

I have a good thing going with being able to get up at 5:30 with no fuss when I have to. And the fact the house is fully empty by that point, so I usually have like 2 hours to get ready.

 

10 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

walk yard to check for rabbits,

 

That sounds delightful.

 

10 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

Thanks, see i don't see it as doing so much, but rather doing what needs done. It has to get done, there is no "Sorry, can't do that"

 

I get it, though it can be something that needs to be doe and still be impressive. 

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9 hours ago, fleaball said:

Better a toy than a live one?

 

Had it been a live one, well there would of been screaming and I may not have come home until convinced that it was the ONLY One and there were no others (I am phobic of the damn things). 

 

9 hours ago, fleaball said:

 

When I started meditation I used Headspace at first and it was a good intro. Insight Timer has a ton of different videos and people you can pick from to listen to. Stop, Breathe, and Think has a bunch of short ones that you can probably squeeze into your day somewhere. (Do I use any of these right now? Nope. That's a Next Year goal at this point.)

I knew you had done some. And yea the time is a consideration. I am not even sure it would work, but having a "stop and reset" something would be nice when I can't get outside. I just have no idea how to do that.

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1 hour ago, Echoceanic said:

 

I have a good thing going with being able to get up at 5:30 with no fuss when I have to. And the fact the house is fully empty by that point, so I usually have like 2 hours to get ready.

 

Hubby leaves at 5:30 in the morning for work so its on me to get the Agents rolling. We have 2+ hours, but the getting out of bed is the hard one for me and Youngest Agent. Eldest agent will take a shower then fall into a book in his room until he starts to run late.

 

1 hour ago, Echoceanic said:

 

That sounds delightful.

I don't really find it fun. I am out there because Agent K9 thinks rabbits are toys and well, he has 4 to his record already. So I go outside, and if i find one I have to "herd" it out of the yard before I let K9 out and if he gets out and I missed one, there is running, swearing and hopefully everything makes it out alive (not always the case if Agent K9 catches it). Also means if it is a blizzard I still need to walk the yard anytime I let Agent K9 out , or raining or 102 outside. But I love Agent K9 and I hate cleaning up messes so I do it.

 

1 hour ago, Echoceanic said:

 

I get it, though it can be something that needs to be doe and still be impressive. 

If you say so This is something I have had a couple people tell me in the rebel guild and I never really comprehend. I mean to me this is just what life is and I know so many people doing so much more so I am not doing enough.

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Day one update.

Things went really good overall. Until I got home and tried to fax paperwork to a new employer (sort of) that wasn't notified of my Dad's death (Found that right before thanksgiving) and the credit card that is being the dumbest about switching my mom to primary cardholder. The credit card went fine. The employer I had to call before I faxed them, that took 20 minutes, then wait 10 more. We got to send the fax and couldn't because we don't have long distance at home. Hubby tried to add it but we have an old POTS line and we couldn't figure out how. So now I need to go to my mom's office after work (I don't even know if we have a fax line at my office) and send it from there. I also looked into a proxy vote we just got and it doesn't match anything I have paper on. I called the fund, and they don't have record, but started talking about the different investment places that have it. I called his 401K and they don't have record of it. I called the IRA and after 3 transfers and an hour on the phone was told I need my mom to finish figuring this out. Note everyone else there talked to me.  I am really worried this is another account we didn't know he had and I may not get everything done by the end of the year.

 

Project wise, I got some stuff together, emailed the partner and hopefully I have enough I can start working on things.

 

In a large challenge related note, I remembered last night that I decided last challenge to drop my step goal. I have not hit 10,500 steps in MONTHS since starting my new job. I hated doing it since I should walk to make up the difference but time and energy. I mean I am getting about 4,000 steps on a good day so that is a long walk and with homework, it wasn't happening. So I lowered it on Fitbit and in my spreadsheet to 7,000 which still may be too high, but I can't bring myself to lower it more.

 

Challenge wise I did okay. I didn't get on the treadmill. I did however start at 20 minute timer and walked the downstairs for that time. I don't know what the difference was, but it was better than sitting on the couch. Actually, I did really well with challenge, but I am me and I want all the points. I did get all my boxes, Point breakdown for those who are interested below.

 

Strength 6 pts out of 2 (Max 10)

Flexibility  7 pts out of 4 (Max 12)

Life and Family 15 pts out of 7  (Max 15)

Fight Chaos - Clean 9 pts out of 3 (Max 9)

Fight Chaos - Purge 9 pts out of 3 (Max 9)

Walking 4 pt out of 2 (Max 4)

Fuel 13 pts out of 6 (Max 13)

Total 63 pts out of 27 

Number of boxes - 7 out of 7

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55 minutes ago, Bean Sidhe said:

If you say so This is something I have had a couple people tell me in the rebel guild and I never really comprehend. I mean to me this is just what life is and I know so many people doing so much more so I am not doing enough.

 

I think it's because we've been there. Took we a while to internalise that while someone might be doing more what I'm doing is valid and the effort it takes means something. 

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16 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

 

That is what I am trying.  some days are harder than others.

 

 

That is a thought. I am going to email him one more time today and be like "here is where we are, we have 9 days, we gotta do this." and see what comes back.

 

 

 

Can we use this one next?

infinite_motivational_poster.gif

Wowwwwww

 

very cool.  kind of time consuming.

 

ty

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12 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

I knew you had done some. And yea the time is a consideration. I am not even sure it would work, but having a "stop and reset" something would be nice when I can't get outside. I just have no idea how to do that.

So I just downloaded Stop Breathe & Think again to see what they have. There are several that are just 1-3 minutes long. You could plug some headphones into your phone and sit in the bathroom for that long without being disturbed, I hope? On the edge of the tub or on the floor or wherever. Not necessarily the most relaxing place, but it's somewhere you can count on being left alone for a few minutes, and just close your eyes and take a breather. Even at work, if necessary. 

 

12 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

If you say so This is something I have had a couple people tell me in the rebel guild and I never really comprehend. I mean to me this is just what life is and I know so many people doing so much more so I am not doing enough.

There are also people doing so much less than you, and there are people on both sides doing much worse at whatever they're doing. I 10000000% relate to this feeling. But you're doing enough. You are enough. 

 

11 hours ago, Echoceanic said:

I think it's because we've been there. Took we a while to internalise that while someone might be doing more what I'm doing is valid and the effort it takes means something. 

So much this.

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22 hours ago, Echoceanic said:

 

I think it's because we've been there. Took we a while to internalise that while someone might be doing more what I'm doing is valid and the effort it takes means something. 


I just have a serious "I am not good enough, doing enough" problem. Sadly it is one of a few things that I am slowly working on trying to relearn. However, that is one of the more "ingrained" ones and well, there is a sadly long list to get through in general.

To me, I just keep looking around going "But look at how they managed to get to the gym, I need to do that, and I should cook more and the garden fell apart this year nad I can't let that happen."

Oh, and I need to go order seeds for Christmas. Right after I finish here.

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20 hours ago, TGP said:

Wowwwwww

 

very cool.  kind of time consuming.

 

ty

 

Yeah, when I linked to it, it was like 2 rotations in and I was like, okay it was done. Then I looked back and went "WHOA" since I had lost track of the picture in general.

Its at least goofy so there is that.

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11 hours ago, fleaball said:

So I just downloaded Stop Breathe & Think again to see what they have. There are several that are just 1-3 minutes long. You could plug some headphones into your phone and sit in the bathroom for that long without being disturbed, I hope? On the edge of the tub or on the floor or wherever. Not necessarily the most relaxing place, but it's somewhere you can count on being left alone for a few minutes, and just close your eyes and take a breather. Even at work, if necessary. 

 

I love how you think I can be left alone for that. I probably could, but my immediate reaction was "Are you kidding". I will try to look into that later.

 

 

11 hours ago, fleaball said:

There are also people doing so much less than you, and there are people on both sides doing much worse at whatever they're doing. I 10000000% relate to this feeling. But you're doing enough. You are enough. 

 

Thank you. I remember a while ago, Steve of NF sent out a "What is the one thing holding you back or the one thing you want most?" email and my first thought was "I am not enough> I am not good enough of a mom, of a wife, of a student. I am not good enough that I am healthy, smart or thin or pretty." I had a whole list of things that went on and on, I am trying to get to where I feel like I am enough, but well, you know how my brain works. Its a dork full of Trolls and well, this is Grog's specialist.

 

(For those new to my weird moments, I refer to having Trolls live in my brain. Grog tells me that I am not good enough and that I will always fail and Blargh tells me no one likes me. It is easier to say "Hey shut up Troll"  then to be all "Hey, be nice me." (I seriously put a question mark on the end of  "Be nice me?" Like I was trying to ask myself in that "I know you wont, but pretend to at least ask" moment.)

 

 

11 hours ago, fleaball said:

So much this.

And I know my beloved Rebels have been trying to tell me this for a while. We all know I am rather slow to learn, but I am trying.

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Update time.

Tuesday did not go as well as Monday.

Youngest Agent was leaving for school and we found a hole in her backpack but it seemed simple enough to fix.

 

I got to work and continued working on a project that no one else in the department has done and learning it from trial and error. I got it working and I submitted my "final" version of the report (being completely dynamically filled in by the system) to my mentor. He said "Uh, it looks okay, we need to work on your formatting."  Did it look professional, not really, but I had a coworker look at it and she thought it looked good. So when he came back and is "reformatting it" for 3 hours with me going "This looks better" I got disheartened. I have NEVER been the artsy "This looks good" person. He asked at one point "Do you see how these aren't level?" and my answer was no because my brain said close enough (I Literally have a problem with some spacial relations. Most of my pictures in my house are slightly uneven since I don't notice it until I have OCD friends come in and go "we are fixing these again"). I ended up staying an hour over to have him go "okay, well finish this tomorrow. But my version is more readable." Honestly, the scientist in me says NO because he took out my labels and in science you label EVERYTHING.  But I just felt like I couldn't do anything right.

 

Then I had to go to my mom's work to fax the paperwork to a long distance number. It took 20 minutes to fax 5 pages. are you kidding me. And my mom was in a mood and I was trying to tell her the insurance agent emailed with some "suggestions" but well, we all know where this went. I will talk to her another day.

As a result of the first 2, Hubby had to go get Eldest Agent. Which means I got home and was alone and mad and angry and moody. After dinner I was better, but I had a hard time getting motivated. I managed to get all my boxes done, but I didn't do as much as I did Monday and I kinda felt like I was doing only half of it. But I did something so take the win.

Oh and I didn't stretch enough since I went to bed last night and my hips/back started to argue bad (it is a monthly thing that if I stretch it doesn't hurt as bad). It was like trying to sleep on boulders so I got to sleep about 430 and was up at 630 and didn't really even sleep the whole way between, but it was something. . I am going to be trying to stretch out today  and hope I can sleep tonight

 

All boxes were done. So I got my little clip art sticker

 

Strength 4 pts out of 2 (Max 10)

Flexibility  7 pts out of 4 (Max 12)

Life and Family 12 pts out of 7  (Max 15)

Fight Chaos - Clean 8 pts out of 3 (Max 9)

Fight Chaos - Purge 7 pts out of 3 (Max 9)

Walking 2 pt out of 2 (Max 4)

Fuel 13 pts out of 6 (Max 13)

Total 53 pts out of 27 

Number of boxes - 7 out of 7

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