Heidi: Solstice Solace

[Heidi]

As the year winds down and the days become briefer -- mere glimpses between the nights -- I am quiet. 

 

My last challenge left me walking willingly into the dark; now that I am here it seems familiar, welcoming even.

The challenge this round is to be still in the dark and listen for the words as-yet unsaid that they may make their way onto the page.

This is a heart-journey. 

 

My soul has been through quite the gauntlet, but has survived (and sometimes NotDying is what victory looks like.)

 

I have no idea what 2020 will bring

I have no idea what it will even look like.

 

This is a period for NotKNowing, following a long path of UnKnowing.

 

I am switching gears and writing songs with a friend when he comes in from the West Coast after the holidays.

Until then there is a lot of dogsitting and resting. 

I should probably be reading or working on the final draft of the memoir piece that will be turned in for the MFA, but this is not the time for that. 

 

This is a time for stillness.

For long baths.

For quietude and hot tea and fireplaces.

Join me if you like.

I'm happy to be quiet together.

[Heidi]

An update of sorts:

The paperwork of the employment insurance situation is now finally complete, and it's so much more simple now that I'm not having to submit a thousand forms and wait on a committee decision for every appointment. This is a welcome development.

 

The papers and writing projects all got turned in last week for the end of term assignments. In so many ways this was like building a wall our of pebbles. Chronic fatigue is no joke, and it seems to have settled in. The headaches have diminished, and the dizzy spells are rare; overall much better. I still can't drive (even if I were allowed it might not be the greatest idea to do so). My town, as much as I love it, has public transit set on hateful levels. I'm rethinking what I schedule as a result.

 

I have submitted to two conferences, and I had my first virtual team meeting with the Philosophers for Sustainability Committee. I'm leading the small team focused on Public Philosophy efforts, and I think I'm going to partner up with Evelyn from Public Philosophy Network to see what we can accomplish together. These are like-minded folks, and it does my heart a world of good to connect with them. Several of us will be at the APAPhilosophy Central Division confrerence in Chacago in February, and we are likely going to get together for dinner one evening. 

 

The weather outsdie is icy rain, making me want to stay in and play cards, but I'm dogsitting and the dog always palms an ace, so there's nothing to be done except knit and rest. (also, His Dark Materials is amazing so far. There's only two episodes left, and I'm not counting down between episodes or anything.)

 

I'm trying to let go of a sense of what I should be doing.

This is not easy.

But here I am.

 

Glad you're along with me.

Have some tea.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

2 hours ago, Heidi said:

I'm trying to let go of a sense of what I should be doing.

This is not easy.

No, it's not easy. It also may be the most important thing in your whole challenge.

 

2 hours ago, Heidi said:

 

Glad you're along with me.

Have some tea

[DarK_RaideR]

2 hours ago, Heidi said:

I'm trying to let go of a sense of what I should be doing

As am I, dear. I am beginning to feel it is a process similar to sleep: the harder you try, the less you succeed. Happy holidays.

[Heidi]

10 minutes ago, DarK_RaideR said:

the harder you try, the less you succeed

You might be on the Druid's Way yet, dear raider

[Heidi]

37 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

. It also may be the most important thing in your whole challenge.

You are right, and I knew this would need to be given its own space. I'm hoping the holiday challenge is just right.

 

I'm dogsitting, so the amount of should I can get into is externally constrained. Also, I'm dogsitting alone, which means I'm more inclined to write (languidly, not with a purpose), or knit, or read. I'm also likely to sleep or meditate. These are all very very good things.

 

The big piece is what isn't seen though: it's not what I do, but that the pace is internally driven. I'm not responding to external conditions or expectations of others. The deadlines have all been met for this brief now. Everyone is off doing their holiday-hectic. 

 

Life is good.

[Heidi]

December 14 is always hard for me (Sandy Hook massacre anniversary) but this year the personal isolation (a natural byproduct of real transformation, but a difficult piece of its own) bumped into the AltRight GunNut bs that is all around me. The state I live in (Virgina [land-size of Iceland; population of Switzerland; GDP of Belgium]) has been flooded with a wave of tension after the November election made a clear statement toward a progressive agenda and away from conservatives. Tensions are high, and it's reminiscent of the months before the infamous Charlottesville rally. The emotions are strong all around, and mostly I don't have the bandwidth to do anything but grieve lightly, so I have to stay away from the Outside World right now.

 

I have applied to a job with the ACLU, who are expanding their work in my state. It's a great position and is great work for justice. If I get selected for an interview, I'll have to talk to my attorney about the impact on the situation with my daughter, since the state capital is 4 hours east of where I live now; I would have to relocate for certain.

 

Today I'm knitting and letting difficult emotions be difficult. This is uncomfortable, of course. 

 

Yesterday I wrote a lot of radioactive material, which was great, but opened the door to all of this. So knitting and baths are the only answer. And tea.

 

Also, what is with men and their presumption of my fawning elation of their unsolicited explicit overt approval of my efforts? Does winter bring out the Dom in everyone?? Is this because of the naughty-nice trope with Santa?

 

Spoiler

Stop saying "There's my good girl."

I'm not a "girl."
I'm a lot of things but "good" isn't one of them
I'm not "your" anything.

 

I want to go all monochrome Galadriel and say:

I'm a Goddess and you may petition for the opportunity to get to worship me. Convince me of the worthiness of your dedication.

 

Well, ok, it's not really as extreme as that, but by God(dess) it *should* be.

 

 

 

Anyway.

Happy Sunday.

 

 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

4 hours ago, Heidi said:

Also, what is with men and their presumption of my fawning elation of their unsolicited explicit overt approval of my efforts? Does winter bring out the Dom in everyone?? Is this because of the naughty-nice trope with Santa?

I can't speak for Men, but given what you wrote in the spoiler I want to ask them what's wrong with a simple "Well Done" or "hey that's awesome" or "you're a badass."

[Heidi]

1 hour ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I can't speak for Men, but given what you wrote in the spoiler I want to ask them what's wrong with a simple "Well Done" or "hey that's awesome" or "you're a badass."

Well, I think it's because they aren't being complimentary (as in your examples) but are actually interacting at a level of unearned authority. 

 

This is a manipulative tactic, used on targets to be (ab)used, not people to be loved. It is (sadly but not surprsingly) effective on people (especially women) with faltering self esteem. 

 

Also, line-of-the-year "There she is." is beyond stale for me.

 

I'm so glad I have you guys in my world!

❣️

[Heidi]

It's time for bed.

I've been up doing a bit of the annual retrospective.

It's not a complete list yet (sometimes I think they never really get everything), but it's well on the way to reflecting the relentless pace that was my world this year.

There's no way to put in the custody situation. It's not a date on a calendar type event; it's a tectonic shift.

This is the first day in forever that I haven't needed to do a damned thing -- it's nice.

 

[Heidi]

Finally quit feeling sorry for myself and went to the gym. Also put out an ad for a new gym companion, yoga buddy, hiking friend etc.

 

Walked a mile, swam 500 yards, hot tub, sauna, walked a mile, exhausted now. Also went to therapy and talked with a realtor today. Risotto and an early bedtime.

 

Happiest I've been in a good while.

 

Goodnight, Nerds.

❣️

[DarK_RaideR]

12 hours ago, Heidi said:

Happiest I've been in a good while.

Reding your recap for 2019, I get a glimpse of what you've been through. You deserve to be happy.

[Heidi]

1 hour ago, DarK_RaideR said:

Reding your recap for 2019, I get a glimpse of what you've been through. You deserve to be happy.

Everyone deserves to be happy.

(Even you, dear.)

[Heidi]

Just got word that my essay for the special issue of philosophical inquires in education didn't make the final cut. Is it okay to be relieved??

 

 

This is the second day in forever that I haven't needed to do a damned thing -- it's nice.

 

 

[Heidi]

I haven't talked about this much, but:

*FaithLeap*

in April I found out my best friend had been lying to me for months.

We tried to repair the friendship, especially because they explicitly stated that they were coming clean out of remorse and a desire to start fresh, to build a healthy friendship, and to be there for me during the time when I needed so much after the head injury.

 

Folks, in September I found out this was another level of lying and manipulation.

I am broken-hearted about this, of course.

The discovery led to a lot of blame-based talk and toxic statements by my friend, who I don't trust at all anymore, of course.

The hurtful words, the deceit, but especially the discovery that they were pillaging my life (conversations, activities, insights, etc.) to then use  on young women was especially damaging to me. I felt dirty, unwittingly complicit in a predatory version of Cyrano.

 

I'm only just now able to talk about it, really, and I cry when I do.

Bu there it is, starkly out in the open.

And since the end of September, I have been without the support that my friend gave, so I'm feeling pretty isolated. The damage to my trust makes it very difficult to ask for anything, since it was being in need that was leveraged as a way to use and control me. Unfortunately, those of us who grew up in toxic situations have a hard time recognizing when healthy boundaries have been crossed; by the time we notice something is wrong, it's usually way out of control. And then of course we feel 1) that it is our fault and that because we did it 2) it's our responsibility to fix it.

 

Going back to the gym yesterday was a big step in reclaiming my life.

I still can't drive, and I'm not able to walk from where I dog-sit, and the public transit in this town is sad at best.

But i'm doing what I can when I can (Uber continues to be my life line -- I spend almost as much on Uber every month as I do on my rent, but it's worth it to still feel like a person. I'm down to the end of my ability to do this much anymore; being transparent about this is emotionally difficult and laced with shame.)

 

I love you guys.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

First of all, thank you for trusting us enough to share this. I can't imagine how difficult it was to type all that up.

 

I'm sorry your friend did what they did to you. It's an ugly feeling to be used like that and taken advantage of, then to be without even the toxic support you were getting on top of that. I'm proud of you for going to the gym, and I hope things develop so you can be more mobile. It's hard to feel shame about things that aren't our fault, and an extra layer of the wrong of how toxic behaviors harm people.

 

My hope for you is that healthy people find their way into your life and that they give you space to heal.

[DarK_RaideR]

As usual, I agree with Tank

[Heidi]

6 hours ago, DarK_RaideR said:

As usual, I agree with Tank

When in doubt:

WWTD?

[Heidi]

I'm beginning the slow, difficult process of meeting new people. 

This is always Very Weird for me, and I know you folks get it.

I'm an introvert, and I'm an INTP woman (1% of the population), so it's like that I'll-never-fit-in moment from high school.

 

But, even so, there is a lady moving to town that I'm talking with and she's a writer and creative type, and she's funny. We're planning on doing yoga and maybe the sauna together when she ends up this way.

 

Also, I'm talking tomorrow with a lady who is starting a farm collective in a town nearby. She has a couple folks who live there as a second residence (because i'm not giving up living here for the next decade or so), and she's interested in sound meditation when she comes out this way. I'm talking with her tomorrow about becoming the chronicler for the farm collective. Wish me luck -- i might be able to make it a book pitch, which would be excellent.

 

In case you haven't heard, there's a lot of political buzz today with the impeachment vote in the House of Representatives. This means that my activism tribe is all activated. So there's a lot of electronic messaging going on about that.

The philosophy game is pretty quiet so far today, which is a blessing.

 

I'm thinking of having a portrait done of myself as the High Priestess tarot card. I think I'd like to present her as very Persephone, with pomegranates and moonstones, and a nod to Athena, maybe with the owl and snake (athena used to be depicted with a snake under her sandal because she has healing wisdom). Imagery suggestions are welcome.

Eyes are key, in this, I think.

There should be something of a circlet at least, if not a crown.

Probably going to go with a rune (ken) instead of the traditional Raider-Wait B/J on the pillars

Not sure what the scroll will be as yet, but likely not the torah, since that feels inauthentic to my story. Maybe a collection of diplomas? Feels too formal -- the world of men and their certifications -- not sure what the spiritual version of wisdom would be in scroll form.

 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

I do have an idea for the scroll. In honor of your philosophy work perhaps Know Thyself in Greek on the scroll?

(maybe without the spooky skeleton man)

[Heidi]

Unsolicited opinions solicited:

A work in progress about a goddess.

A cavedwelling supplication of the soul in the moonlinght.

https://drive.google.com/open?id=15793-wiI7QjOfS7CQCvFQ9gGsc9OQADL

 

[Heidi]

10 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I do have an idea for the scroll. In honor of your philosophy work perhaps Know Thyself in Greek on the scroll?

(maybe without the spooky skeleton man)

The spooky skeleton man is pretty cool too tho tbh

[Heidi]

1 minute ago, Heidi said:

Unsolicited opinions solicited:

A work in progress about a goddess.

A cavedwelling supplication of the soul in the moonlinght.

https://drive.google.com/open?id=15793-wiI7QjOfS7CQCvFQ9gGsc9OQADL

 

This is the first of two songs, very primal.

The other one is more drum beats and warpaint and torchlight.

[DarK_RaideR]

9 hours ago, Heidi said:

I'm beginning the slow, difficult process of meeting new people. 

This is always Very Weird for me, and I know you folks get it.

I'm an introvert, and I'm an INTP woman (1% of the population), so it's like that I'll-never-fit-in moment from high school.

Let me just say that, for starters, you would do well to get out of the whole "personality types" box. While I do understand the sentiment itself, sticking with labels like INTP and basing/biasing your interactions around that is no different than socializing based on astral signs or chinese horrorscope animals;it may be a scientific or empiric grouping that helps digest things, but life and people are way more complicated than that and you would do well to not pigeonhole your view into all these kinds of boxes.

 

9 hours ago, Heidi said:

I'm thinking of having a portrait done of myself as the High Priestess tarot card.

I like the "harvest and rebirth" depiction of Persephone and think Athena's wisdom is a good fit, but lack further knowledge of tarot symbolism. @ShadowLion and @Xena could chip in.

[Heidi]

Another day at the gym.

This time I was cleared for weights and some basic core work as long as I didn't do twisting. 

 

48 angels

8 glute curls 10#l,r

8 swimmers presses 10# l,r

 

160 yards swimming

Sauna

 

Then talked with a lady about becoming a Philosophy Counseling client 

Talked with another lady about chronicling the process of a new farm collective that is happening in the Farmville area. (Interested in this? DM me and I'll see what's available. I think it has real possibility.)

 

Lunch of egg salad and now I'm tired, so a nap is in order.

❣️