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Heidi: Araphael, Redux


Heidi

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Wow, what a journey we have been on, Dear Readers.

 

The process all began in 2015, but we never know it at the time. I realized I was on some sort of soul journey in mid-2016, then really ramped up through 2017. By the beginning of the year in 2018, I had a name for this path.

On 1/23/2018 at 8:46 AM, Heidi said:
 
 
 
 
On 1/23/2018 at 8:46 AM, Heidi said:
 
2
Reflection:

This is a time of such deep spiritual work - and reward - that I now have a name for it: 

araphel: The thundering cloud of dense gloom into which Moses walked and through which God was revealed.

For those of you who are into astrology, Pluto (transformation through death)  is conjunct (piercing) my natal moon (comfort and emotional stability) in the 9th (house of big ideas, spirituality, education, and one's world view). This is an aspect called the death or nightmare of the soul. Add to that Pluto's square (external pressure that can cause something to break) to my stellium (collection of planets on or around a single point) of Venus (love, harmony, and home), Sun (identity and purpose), and Mercury (thoughts, expression, and wit) in the 12th (house of ending, sacrifice and isolation), and the message is clearly one of soul and self crushing storms to reveal a new, more spiritual self with great perspective. If I live through it.

And then Saturn is going to come through and help me make sense of it all by doing the process again himself.

But for now, araphel.

 

I can confirm: the past two years have been crucible-level intense. The name "nightmare of the soul" is apt.

I even got cocky this time last year, celebrating my new vantage point. I think I might have even said something along the lines of:

 

On 1/15/2019 at 7:18 AM, Heidi said:

I got to thinking about what has been thrown at me in the years I have been here. Amazing. Truly epic stuff. And now here I am, more myself than ever for all the demons I have faced and vanquished, some of my own making.

 

What's that you say? 

There are still demons with my name on their dance cards for 2019?

51lim%252B80ZfL._SX342_.jpg

 

 

FOR THE RECORD: DO NOT DO THIS.

This was ill-advised.

Confession: I kept this attitude through most of the crap that came my way all last year. I don't think the attitude can be beaten out of me, because this year the Universe gave me every reason and opportunity to quit. It would have been easier, for certain, to stop. To take my wounds and call it all a good fight, but over. No. This new land will be mine, and yet I have no idea what it is or what it will look like. For all I know, it's a barren potato field that not even sheep will graze in.

I have this vision of cresting a ridge only to see this notice tacked to a tree:

1dbeaabf3f44d490d3dcb37c307f4b4e.jpg

 

There were brilliant moments this year. Real watershed events one after the other (full list)

  • January
    • I wrote a song
    • it went in a tv movie! 
  • February
    • I went to a philosophy rave;
    • I went to a Philosophy group;
    • I got a Fellowship to do philosophy all the time;
    • I had a head injury that crippled me;

and even through the sidewaysness of it all:

  • the legal situation is a protracted mess that doesn't seem to get better
  • the healing of the head injury is so slow I don't even recognize what I was before intellectually
  • I still can't drive
  • I haven't been to the gym since September.

I managed to find my way through by feeling for the next centered thing:

  • I founded a local Philosophy Roundtable
  • I signed up people to vote, raised the roof, amplified messages for causes using my digital life to be active when I had no voice or mobility physically.
    • I am the lead for Philosophers for Sustainability's Public Philosophy team
    • I am a member of the Philosophers for Sustainability Outreach & Social Media team
  • I developed a topic and presented it at a national-level (international?) conference
  • I am presenting a piece on Authenticity, Connectedness, and Hope at the APAPhil Division Conference in Chicago (any Chicago Nerds who want to join the 5e D&D game that is going to happen, or who want to meet RealLivePhilosophers drop me a line! It's at the Palmer House Feb 26-29. I'll be in town on March 1, too, mostly because I want to see the Art Institute and because I present on Saturday afternoon, so I wanted extra recovery time).
  • I took my writing to the Thesis Level, and my advisor now refers to it as The Book. 
  • I developed the conference presentation into a structure for a book and am working on the proposal and article for submission (see #Goals2020).

 

And now we are here. 2020. I'm not certain how this last part of the Hero's Journey will play out, but I know I'm capable and up for the challenges, whatever they might happen to be.

 

There's a cool lunar eclipse that just happened with the December new moon, and a solar eclipse that is happening at the new moon in January.  This challenge is "between the eclipses," so to speak, and I think that has some nice poetry to it. I know that there is a lot of possibility and potential swirling about -- sort of a liquid electricity looking for a channel of expression as it seeks the ground. I think that any number of opportunities await; I have the chance to bring my new sense of self (attitude is everything!) to focus and claim my path forward. 

 

I am grateful that you have been part of this with me. I have no idea what I will grasp from the air. Have you guys read the Kingkiller series (by Patrick Rothfuss, first is Name of the Wind) yet? This feels like the moment in the second book, The Wise Man's Fear, when our hero has to go through the willow tree to get the Thing at the center. 

 

In ways, it's almost like starting all over again.

b5deb3831993ee838921b757e677bc6d.jpg

 

Thanks for being part of my Fellowship.

I can't wait to see what we get up to.

 

 

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You've been through a lot, and yet you have not stopped. This is the essence of greatness.

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That’s a huge mountain you’ve summited - can’t wait to see where your path leads in 2020!

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Thank you, friends.

With you along, how could I not succeed?

❣️

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This year my insight is telling me that it's okay to let go of my attachment to a sense of unworthiness.

That I can claim and inhabit my self-worth and invite the Universe and everyone in it to meet me in that space because the Universe loves me and wants me to be happy. The sense of unworthiness I have been holding onto for ever is a survival skill crafted to make sense of horrible and hurtful chaos -- frankly it was easier to craft a story or worthlessness than to admit how chaotic and uncertain everything around me was. Over the years, I have been inherently drawn to people who spoke the language of my variable worth and who interacted with me from that space because it was one that felt familiar; homey even. These are difficult insights, but good ones.

 

Now, it's even more difficult to deal with people from then, because they are very confused by how little traction their usual behavior gets. It's frustrating nd leaves them feeling powerless, and that puts everyone ill at ease. I have sympathy for them, and compassion. My boundaries are confusing; my reclamation of my narrative feels jarring and as though I have taken something from them because, in fact, i have.

 

Enter this evening.

I had my first conversation with my daughter's father outside a courtroom since this crap show with custody began over three years ago. We have been ordered to work on our communication skills and have a therapist for it. The sessions were to begin in October, but paperwork got delayed (read: languished on his attorney's desk) and it took a small act of Hercules to get it set up for now. At this rate, we might get two more session in before the review in February.

 

He was hostile. He is still very very angry at me, and it came through in everything. His shrugging; his lack of eye contact; his tone of voice. It was like having a meeting with a sullen -but-volatile teenager. He put down my dogsitting jobs and he put down my philosophy work. He basically ran me down the road and called me a lying, cheating, abusive waste of a person. He is a gaslighter, and he did his thing, and he did it well. I have had! a weakness for them. Understanding doesn't make it any easier though, and the therapist was sympathetic to him. Like most gaslighters, he knows how to read a room and tailor his message. Visibility is the enemy, so shutting this process down or getting rid of it is his best hope. I sat through it, and it was difficult. We are supposed to be talking about how we communicate with each other. He talked mostly about how he is scared of me and how I am a liar (by the way, i left him in July 2010, before I knew I was pregnant). I want points for not once asking if he had sought help for his persistent anger from slights that are over a decade old.

 

In the end, it was horrible and hard and hurtful, a very difficult hour indeed. But it was opening night and he played his theatre well, and he won't have the opportunity to repeat it. From now on, we can only focus on the present and the future, which are not his strong suits, but are mine. I cried in the tub while sipping tea. It helps.

 

I have a statement of purpose to write and a cv to put together. I realized i've done so much this year that I've preactically rewritten my professional life, even with the head injury. Wow. That's pretty cool. I'm applying to a doctoral program in Kentucky, and I'm excited about it. Also a friend is thinking of moving back to the area and we are going to go look at houses later in the week. He wants a space where we can set up the Creative Library and where I ca do Philosophy Work as well as a section that he can air B&B while he's on the other coast and hten live in when he comes to town. I love real estate, so i'm tickled to help. I think we're going to make an afternoon of it on Thursday. 

 

The Applicaiton is due on January 15, but I'd like to get it shored up and sent off a week before then in case there are any issues. I also have to have four (!!) letters of recommendation, not including the one from my mentor, since it has to be people who can respond to an email request.

 

Anyway.

Happy Monday.

Life is life, and even on days with tears and fears, there is also tea in the tub.

IMG_20191230_185720_603.jpg

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Following along! 

 

Wowz on your dark times... Impressive of what you have found especially with such a hard brain injury. 

Cool that you have found professionalism with philosophy. 

 

Interesting your awakening started in mid-2016...

 I personally had a door rush open and not close July 2016. Some strong energies in the world! 

Been on a journey since then that goes in less epic proportions! But definitely the understanding of not asking for demons to come forward, but perhaps that helped with the process. 

 

Give you luck on dealing with the gaslighter, impressive you were able to sit through it! Glad you have a happier week ahead ❤️

 

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Will the real Dr. Heidi please stand up?

I just submitted my doctoral application.

 

Fingers crossed!!

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I love the way you wrote about releasing your perception of unworthiness. I have recently began to conceive of similar ideas and your words were far better articulated than mine so far. 

 

I'm sorry you had to deal with your ex. 

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"By the Most-Righteous-and-Blessed Beard of Sir Tanktimus the Encourager!" - Jarl Rurik Harrgath

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So, because there was a difficult post, let's have a bit of balance with a blessings post.

This challenge I am blessed with the opportunity to:

  • Apply to an exciting interdisciplinary doctoral program
  • Develop a book proposal and article about libraries and democracy
  • Present a piece on the value of ethical living
  • Finish my MFA thesis / radioactive memoir draft
  • Continue improving communication with Vivian's dad
  • Revisit the custody and visitation arrangement in court
  • Write a song with a couple amazing and talented friends
  • Look into physical space for creativity and philosophy
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4 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I love the way you wrote about releasing your perception of unworthiness. I have recently began to conceive of similar ideas and your words were far better articulated than mine so far. 

 

I'm sorry you had to deal with your ex. 

Tanks for the encouragement, and for the sympathies, @Tanktimus the Encourager. I'm blessed to have you in my corner. ❤️ 

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Also.

My #NewYearsResolution is:

 

8,192 x 4,320.

 

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8 hours ago, Heidi said:

These are difficult insights, but good ones.

Important insights too. Kudos for realizing that mechanism and reclaiming your narrative. Never an easy thing to pull off.

 

8 hours ago, Heidi said:

I want points for not once asking if he had sought help for his persistent anger from slights that are over a decade old.

Such are the ways of patriarchy and toxic masculinity, aren't they? Men are taught to limit their emotional range to mainly anger and (occasionally) fake stoicism.

 

8 hours ago, Heidi said:

But it was opening night and he played his theatre well, and he won't have the opportunity to repeat it. From now on, we can only focus on the present and the future, which are not his strong suits, but are mine.

I'm surprised the therapist didn't try to re-frame the discussion on the present/future and your communication, but I'm no therapist myself to judge; I can only assume the venting and display of emotions was a necessary first step.

 

Sorry you had to go through this.

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3 hours ago, DarK_RaideR said:

m surprised the therapist didn't try to re-frame the discussion on the present/future and your communication, but I'm no therapist myself to judge; I can only assume the venting and display of emotions was a necessary first step.

There are two possibilities. The therapist got fooled by the snow job the ex was doing, or the therapist is giving the ex enough rope to hang himself.

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11 hours ago, DarK_RaideR said:

re-frame the discussion on the present/future a

She did, and I did too of course.

It's all just a drama act and a wearisome one and I'm glad we're on to Act II of this.

 

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7 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

There are two possibilities. The therapist got fooled by the snow job the ex was doing, or the therapist is giving the ex enough rope to hang himself.

Honestly, I think it's the latter.

I think she is trying to make him comfortable and knows he needs and overt display of preference and caring.

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Coming down with a head cold, so I took a hot bath and drank green tea with sage, and then was super hungry.

 

My friend is borrowing his mom's car and we're going to Arby's and it's like high school all over again.

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On 12/31/2019 at 3:13 AM, Heidi said:

Also a friend is thinking of moving back to the area and we are going to go look at houses later in the week. He wants a space where we can set up the Creative Library and where I ca do Philosophy Work as well as a section that he can air B&B while he's on the other coast and hten live in when he comes to town. I love real estate, so i'm tickled to help. I think we're going to make an afternoon of it on Thursday. 

 

Loved this paragraph. Sounds like you two have a great plan together :) 

 

On 12/31/2019 at 5:29 AM, Heidi said:

Will the real Dr. Heidi please stand up?

I just submitted my doctoral application.

 

Fingers crossed!!

 

Fingers crossed indeed!

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Had to go into the MessThatIsTheAttic for yarn and found a guitar of my former-partner's friend. I messagesed the friend via Instagram and got it back to him. Former-partner, who has been incommunicado since Detroit, started messaging me about wanting to be helpful.

 

I went to the gym.

While there I set up my new locker, and asked if they had taken me off former-partner's account. She looked it up and said no, but she'd look into it.

 

Apparently they emailed him to come in and sign paperwork, and he knew I was at the gym.  He was there when I came out of the locker room after a lovely swim-sauna session. He decided to talk to me apologize, etc. I told him I forgive him but didn't know what he wanted from me. It was difficult. The universe is definitely making certain I understand that my worth is something I have to claim and then fully inhabit.

 

I texted a girlfriend to ask her for a ride home.

 

I miss the him that I thought I had and I really miss my gym partner. So now I know what to shoot for.

 

There were tears when I got home, in my space.

But now I think I'm good.

Thanks for listening, dear nerds 

You're more important than you might know.

 

 

Blue lenses and post-gym hair.

#2020Vision

IMG_20200101_194634_123.jpg

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Gypsy Druid Paladin

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Local Foods Guru | Financial Freedom Fighter | Minimalism Yoda | Smaug-Slayer
Heidi Chronicles My NF Character Sheet | @theheidifeed | Amazon of Awesome | MySlashdotKarmaIsExcellent

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1 hour ago, Heidi said:

but didn't know what he wanted from me

Attention. He wanted attention.

 

 

I'm glad you got through all that.

  • Like 2

Current Challenge Original 1,2,3, R 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24,25,26,27,28,29,30,31,32,33,34,35,36,37,38,39,40,41,42,43,44,45,46,47,48,49,50,51

52,53

"By the Most-Righteous-and-Blessed Beard of Sir Tanktimus the Encourager!" - Jarl Rurik Harrgath

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17 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Attention. He wanted attention.

 

How is it always so obvious to others and so mysterious to us in the center?

You're spot on.

 

Why now? Who knows.

He's back to ignoring me, of course.

  • Like 2

&,
Amazon of the Way

Gypsy Druid Paladin

Ranger Year 1: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 

Druid Year 2: 8 | 9 | 1011  | 12 | 13 |Year 3: 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 |Year 4: 1920 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 |Year 5: 29 | 30 | 31 | 32 | 33 | 34 | 35 | 36 | 37 | 38 |Year 6: 39 | 40 | 41 | 42 | 43 | 44 | 45 | 46 |Year 7: 47 | 48 | 49 | 50 | 51 | 52 | 53| 54 | 55 | 56 | 57 | 58 | 59 | 60 |Year 8: 61 | 62 | 63 | 64 |

Local Foods Guru | Financial Freedom Fighter | Minimalism Yoda | Smaug-Slayer
Heidi Chronicles My NF Character Sheet | @theheidifeed | Amazon of Awesome | MySlashdotKarmaIsExcellent

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Stress, probably, but a couple seizures today.

Boo.

Restart the six month counter.

This is the universe's way of saying I'm good, but still need to hold off on driving.

  • Sad 2

&,
Amazon of the Way

Gypsy Druid Paladin

Ranger Year 1: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 

Druid Year 2: 8 | 9 | 1011  | 12 | 13 |Year 3: 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 |Year 4: 1920 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 |Year 5: 29 | 30 | 31 | 32 | 33 | 34 | 35 | 36 | 37 | 38 |Year 6: 39 | 40 | 41 | 42 | 43 | 44 | 45 | 46 |Year 7: 47 | 48 | 49 | 50 | 51 | 52 | 53| 54 | 55 | 56 | 57 | 58 | 59 | 60 |Year 8: 61 | 62 | 63 | 64 |

Local Foods Guru | Financial Freedom Fighter | Minimalism Yoda | Smaug-Slayer
Heidi Chronicles My NF Character Sheet | @theheidifeed | Amazon of Awesome | MySlashdotKarmaIsExcellent

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Had a rough few days in my head that then got dramatically worse Friday night. I ended up going to the Emergency Room on Saturday morning.

IMG_20200105_075554_630.jpg

They pumped me ful of anti-seizure stuff, and did a CT scan -- everything normal enough to send me home with a follow-up appointment.

 

A friend came while I was there, then made sure I ate while the prescriptions were filled. Mexican this time. It was pretty good, too.

 

Resting today.

The head still hurts in and off, but mostly I'm just tired.

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&,
Amazon of the Way

Gypsy Druid Paladin

Ranger Year 1: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 

Druid Year 2: 8 | 9 | 1011  | 12 | 13 |Year 3: 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 |Year 4: 1920 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 |Year 5: 29 | 30 | 31 | 32 | 33 | 34 | 35 | 36 | 37 | 38 |Year 6: 39 | 40 | 41 | 42 | 43 | 44 | 45 | 46 |Year 7: 47 | 48 | 49 | 50 | 51 | 52 | 53| 54 | 55 | 56 | 57 | 58 | 59 | 60 |Year 8: 61 | 62 | 63 | 64 |

Local Foods Guru | Financial Freedom Fighter | Minimalism Yoda | Smaug-Slayer
Heidi Chronicles My NF Character Sheet | @theheidifeed | Amazon of Awesome | MySlashdotKarmaIsExcellent

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