Heidi: Araphael, Redux

[Heidi]

Worst part of the day yesterday:

I missed visiting Vivian.

 

Still heartsick about this 

[Tobbe]

Wow, the ER, eh? That's never fun  And sorry you didn't get to see Vivian  

I never know how to feel when they don't find anything wrong. Happy nothing obvious is wrong, or sad they didn't find anything they can fix?

[Heidi]

6 minutes ago, Tobbe said:

 

I never know how to feel when they don't find anything wrong

Oh, they know what's wrong -- apparently I had a seizure while I was getting wired up. They just wanted to make sure they didn't need to do brain surgery.

 

I was given anti-seizure medication through an IV, and whopping dosage for daily maintenance. Along with follow up procedures.

 

Nothing seems to stop this brain some days.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

An ER trip stinks, but not getting to see Vivian is just awful.

[Heidi]

Yesterday was almost all resting until an evening session of Sound Meditation. Betsy led the session, and she's just magnificent. Also managed to make it an opportunity to drag in a new recruit to the practice.

Had a long bath afterwards to sweat and warm up.
More resting.

[Heidi]

Lots of emotions today:

• Comforted. I got to see Vivian for an hour in a park yesterday. My friend brought his family (wife and son who is Vivian's age) and we all had a grand time of it. We started the hashtag #vivianandian and are hoping to have at least annual updates. Vivian is amazing of course, and the whole thign makes my heart ache.
• Excited at the creative turn that is happening in the project with my friend
• Sad that my friend is going back to LA
• Amused. We were writing back ad forth about 1986 and the influences that carried us through those times. I wrote a paragraph about feeling inadequate to Nick Cave. My friend loved it which was cool, but then offered to send it to Nick, and I blushed, having totally forgotten they know each other. Um, no. (full text in the spoiler below because ya'll are just nosy.)
• Anxious. This country is so lacking in leadership it's going to get the planet blown out of orbit. My apologies. I voted for the email lady, and I've been working as hard as I can to get him out of there. Also, my younger son is in the military, and i had to face the harsh reality that the separation means I have no way of sending him letters or knowing if he is deployed. This is sad.
• Anxious. Climate change is happening at a pace even I didn't expect. It worries me not only for the immediate destruction of lives and ecology and habitat, but also of the situation that will be climate change refugees, something i've written about for years but don't have a real grasp on how to handle. If we can't, as a country or as a planet, accept that people affected by war need help, I don't see how we can begin to approach people evicted from life by wildfire, flooding, an drought. 
• Alienated. It's just difficult some days. I don't have much of a community right now. I am doing the work to get from here to there, but it's a time thing too. Waiting is hard, and it takes faith.
• I met with my attorney yesterday. I need to give her a check and we can get into the next wave of what might be a decade-long situation. It was good to be able to have someone shoot straight with me. 
• I'm tired. My head hurts. 

I took a bath and made tea and a nap is in my future.

 

Spoiler

I had significant relationships with music in the late 80s.

Queensryche was a constant companion in the summer of 1986 as my Keds skipped over cracks in the cement sidewalks on the way to journal in the cemetery -- called a burial park out of some bizarre intersection of sentimentality and superstition -- Geoff Tate in my Walkman joined my quest for Rage for Order. When Operation Mindcrime came out two years later, I was happy to wax rhapsodic about how it was great but had gotten too glossy and lost a lot of the edge that attracted me and made the music mine. In truth it was just too soon for me to have a new album from the group that bared my soul; I couldn't handle a shiny new Queensryche voice feast. It felt too much like watching the lastest Popular Girl wear the letter jacket of my crush. It was a betrayal for Tate to move on after he confessed his infrared dreams and heard my whispers.

I found companionable commiseration in Nick Cave. His literary vulnerability captivated me as it vaulted from raw depths of bass tones launched by a sharp bitter edge of preemptive rejection. But his self-affirming isolation was too complete and in the end I believed him -- the abyss of Us just couldn't fill the self-contained chasm of inadequacy that was Him. 

In an independent record store -- a hole in the wall in my neighborhood where I had picked up Julian Lenon so long ago -- I accidentally stumbled on Nick Drake just in time to mourn him; a fitting rebound under a pink moon to forget the broken promise of a red right hand.

There was nothing left but to slip into Lou Reed's New York.

 

[Heidi]

The headache got much worse again yesterday and I went to the doctor. I have an appointment with the neurologist this afternoon.

A hospitalization is scheduled for mid February to monitor me for several days -- wired up like some SF movie -- to see what the heck is going on inside my head.

 

In the meantime, I'm supposed to rest, and by rest I mean write a rough draft of my final thesis, write the conference paper, apply to a phd program, host two public philosophy events, and go through the custody battle with Vivian's dad.

Cool, cool.

So I scheduled a private sound healing session tonight.

😎

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

That...does not actually sound restful. I hope you manage to actually get some rest between now and then.

[Heidi]

Sent off a completely unnecessary submission for consideration to present at a Philosophy Conference in Ireland.

 

Had an appointment with the neurologist.

Tub and tea and nap now.

[Heidi]

Something in my Spirit has shifted, though I'm not certain what. I know that the Wolf Moon Eclipse is supposed to be a big deal, releasing our wild side, but I feel calmer instead. More centered. Not sure what is up with that, but I'll take it.

 

I went to meeting Monday and asked for a volunteer to take me more often. Yesterday I texted one of the volunteers and it worked out (fourth time is the charm!!). At the meeting, I asked someone if I could start calling every day. Ever since I buried my sponsor last year, I d missed the visibility and connection. We talked last night, and then again while I walked to the gym this morning.

 

This week I texted an old friend that had been important but become alienated through bad communication and fear on both our parts. I thanked them for being in my life. We're talking again. It's nice. We could get hurt again, but even so it wouldn't be the end of the world. Living in isolation needlessly would be tragic though.

 

I can feel micro spasms -- around my eyes or near my temples -- and this is totally neurological. The headaches are mostly diminished, so even though I'm wiped out by ten in the morning, I can make the most of resting.

 

I walked to the gym. This is mild defiance on my part, since I'm not supposed to walk alone. But it's a managed rebellion, since I had someone on the phone the whole time. #AchievementUnlocked.

 

I swam 300 yards. 

The plan these days is about doing it. Doing it fast is not the goal -- bonus points are for consistency and duration, but overdoing it is still bad. Right now the achievement range is 220-440 yards (1/8-1/4 mile). This is up from August (110-220), which was a step up from April (NotDeadYayMe!!)

 

Then steam room (to kill flue) and sauna meditation (blood pressure) and shower (clean is good). I love having a permanent locker at the gym.

 

On the walk home, I gave serious thought to the living situation. I might move, might stay where I am but in any case I need to purge My Land of a bunch of possessions which no longer fit my abilities (or lack thereof. It's kind of delusional to have scads of cooking supplies and equipment when I'm at the point of leftovers and takeout being onerously difficult.

 

So I took a deep breath and owned a situation that I don't like and that is getting worse by ignoring it. I texted a friend to get a crew together. Move everything out of the attic, haul away furniture etc. that I don't use, take donations to Goodwill.

 

Also I've asked for help with housework. It will either materialize or it won't. I keep sending out the call.

 

I heard from my thesis advisor. We've been talking about structure and assembly of the final draft. I'm hoping to get something to him before I leave for New York at the end of the month (#NightOfPhilosophyAndIdeas).

 

White tea and naps.

Love and peace ❣️

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Good job asking for help. It's our most important survival trait.

[Heidi]

25 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Good job asking for help. It's our most important survival trait.

Terrifying.

And scary, too, is putting myself in the (helping) hands of others. This is beyond trust into the squishy realm of real faith, and I'm still learning.

[Heidi]

Went to a meeting this morning, then started low level twitching, so went home and soaked in a tub.

 

It might be time to consider becoming a roommate.

 

This is not an easy reality for me.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Have you considered looking into some kind of home health provider?

[Heidi]

Wow, I'm tired.

Just as @Tanktimus the Encourager was writing, I was talking with a brain injury services coordinator to try to get some assistance.

Also I split a wholesale order with a local yarn shop so that we could start stocking Blue Sky. I'm now awash in yarn and loving it.

 

A friend came up from North Carolina to take me to Floyd to pick up the yarn (remember that time that we almost got into an argument about Jesus?), and we listened to live music while we were there. Then we ventured forth to an airbnb retreat so that I could focus on sorting through my thesis and get some overdue rest while he sorted through some issues with his construction crew. The trip south was filled with music as we traded songs via bluetooth to the stereo -- the internet is proof that god loves us and wants us to be happy. We took turns choosing songs; the singing got more and more relaxed; by the time we crossed the North Carolina border, my shoes were off and I was belting out 90s folk songs as if no one was watching, his only commentary to harmonize in beautiful fashion. I got to meet his friends Kathi and Tim, who are absolutely lovely folks. I'm looking forward to having dinner with them again in the near future. It has been too long since I was on the road.

 

On the way back through Virginia, we passed two different surprise cemeteries, a treason carcass, and a house with lightning rods. (Remember that time we saw the owl?) We had an early dinner and lovely conversation (remember that time that we almost got into an argument about what it means to act in love?) with my friend Robert before finally getting to Roanoke, where I slept like a baby after a good soaking in the tub. (Have I mentioned lately how much I love my tub? Absolutely adore it.)

 

This morning I was moving slowly -- headaches and such -- but finally got in gear enough to print out what I have assembled to date for the memoir, such as it is. It's missing quite a bit, most of which is the Rockstar Philosopher Origin Story of 2019, including head injury (my superpower is love and peace, for real -- who knew?? I'm kind of tickled). It's roughly 240 pages. I'll be spending such time as I have over the next month cutting and tweaking and writing the missing bits. There's a final piece or three that might not go in. But such is the nature of final rough drafts, and mine is due February 24th.

 

This afternoon I had lunch with a friend from Meeting House. We had a lovely chat and also some deeply spiritual conversation. I feel loved and heard and enriched.

The calendar is getting packed.
I haven't even added a beach trip yet.

[Heidi]

Also: I heard back that I will not be participating in the Ireland conference in May. This opens the way for a bit of a beach trip in between commencement ceremonies and the graduate residency. Is it weird to be more excited about *not* being selected for the conference?

 

In the Completely Random Messages From the Universe file:

My astrologer friend wrote to warn me to take care of my health while I was traveling, because of course I was traveling, and in fact he hoped he wasn't interrupting my packing for my next jaunt (he totally was).

He said that I would be filled to the gills this year with writing and publishing and philosophy travels, and that if I could rest in between, and accept that there would be a lot of rework and revision over the summer, that this would be a year of great connections, all of which will manifest as the year ends.

 

Life is good.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

I'm glad you had such an amazing trip!

[DarK_RaideR]

13 hours ago, Heidi said:

the internet is proof that god loves us and wants us to be happy.

I came fresh off social media and was about to argue, but then I realized the Internet gave us NerdFitness.

 

13 hours ago, Heidi said:

Cannot love this enough!

[Heidi]

24 minutes ago, DarK_RaideR said:

I came fresh off social media and was about to argue, but then I realized the Internet gave us NerdFitness.

Dear Ranger, the internet gave me you. I need no further proof.

24 minutes ago, DarK_RaideR said:

Cannot love this enough!

Fortunately, love is limitless.

 

Happy rainy Friday from Virginia

[Heidi]

Here it is, your #MomentOfZen:

https://youtu.be/SnlljOcgGWk 

[nianjufe]

So soothing! Thank you for the reminder that knitting (or the single focus of choice) is good for the soul, I needed that today. I also love the background violin.

[Heidi]

37 minutes ago, nianjufe said:

So soothing! Thank you for the reminder that knitting (or the single focus of choice) is good for the soul, I needed that today. I also love the background violin.

One of my favorite pieces:

 

[Tobbe]

27 minutes ago, Heidi said:

One of my favorite pieces:

 

 

Wow! Totally not the kind of music I usually listen to, but that is amazingly good! Thanks for sharing 🎶

[Heidi]

I'm recording some of the pieces from my memoir. It's goofy and has zero production quality.

Here it is anyway.

I love William Goldman:

 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

That was awesome. You are a gifted writer. It's also a great bonus to finally hear your voice.