Salinger's twenty eighth challenge!

[Yasha92]

Sometimes I think this to myself:

“are you going to kill yourself right now?”

 

“No.”

 

“So you’re going to be alive for the foreseeable future?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“So why NOT live nicely?”

 

sometimes that cuts through the ‘why bother’, by flipping it to be ‘why NOT bother’.

 

-

 

You can go for another little walk tomorrow and get the chocolate. In fact, I would recommend it. Be nice to you tonight, and tell yourself you can go get chocolate tomorrow when it isn’t so cold outside!

[Maggie-Miau]

First, sending loads of hugs your way. Sorry you've not been well

Second, agreeing with Yasha. If you've got to be alive, why not do things that are going to raise your quality of life? A while back you were talking about planning and training for a hike. That's a big goal i'm sure you'd be proud of yourself for accomplishing. If you set some small goals along the way (even if it's just, "Today I'm going to do one thing to take care of myself") you can be proud of yourself for that, too.

 

It might also be good to look again at your why? Maybe now, maybe when you're in a better headspace for it, but. If things are feeling pointless, then okay...if you could see a purpose to anything, what would you want that purpose to be? What is Sal's mission in life, if you could do anything you wanted to do? What's important to you? 

[Salinger]

1 hour ago, Maggie-Miau said:

It might also be good to look again at your why? Maybe now, maybe when you're in a better headspace for it, but. If things are feeling pointless, then okay...if you could see a purpose to anything, what would you want that purpose to be? What is Sal's mission in life, if you could do anything you wanted to do? What's important to you? 

 

This is interesting Mia...good thoughts. My mission in life? Wow im unsure...i mean im sort of lucky because the one thing i want to do is make art and exhibit art and i do that. Obviously i wish people would pay me thousands of pounds and i didnt have to worry about the financial side of things so much. Life is hard isnt it...its TOUGH. Its also scary and unpredictable, and having bipolar, just intensifies all that doubt. 

 

I suppose if i looked at how i would want my life to be, it would include me being in much MUCH better shape. Not just thin, but strong and healthy. Ive mentioned it before but id love to play football again, just recreationally, for fun. Id love to try out indoor climbing. Id love to play tennis in the summer. Id love to go hiking, and then camp under the stars. 

 

Id love to be able to go one day without hating the way i look, to not get out of breath when i walk to the shops. 

 

It saddens me because i feel i wasted my 20's with so much self hatred. I dont want to lose my 30's to that mindset. 

 

I want to be more active and go on adventures. I feel like adventure is not for someone like me, massively overweight, scared and anxious. But i want to do it. I want to try. 

 

 

 

I want to have a point to life, to plan things upcoming to work towards....i dont think 'losing weight' is working for me, i need goals. I need to think, ok this is why im getting up in the morning....to get to this point, to do this thing. 

 

Im crying because i have no point. Theres no point me being here really. I need to find something quickly i think, before i fall into the abyss again. xx

[Ranger Hal]

16 minutes ago, Salinger said:

I suppose if i looked at how i would want my life to be, it would include me being in much MUCH better shape. Not just thin, but strong and healthy. Ive mentioned it before but id love to play football again, just recreationally, for fun. Id love to try out indoor climbing. Id love to play tennis in the summer. Id love to go hiking, and then camp under the stars. 

 

Id love to be able to go one day without hating the way i look, to not get out of breath when i walk to the shops. 

 

It saddens me because i feel i wasted my 20's with so much self hatred. I dont want to lose my 30's to that mindset. 

 

I want to be more active and go on adventures. I feel like adventure is not for someone like me, massively overweight, scared and anxious. But i want to do it. I want to try. 

 

I have a friend who started backpacking in her 40's (she wasn't very active for years before that) and has now done hundreds of miles of trips. My grandma went backpacking for the first time at around 60. You are not too late to have many adventures.

[TGP]

I didn't realty hike much until the 40's....

 

for years and years I was utterly sedentary.

 

so I'll chime in and say YES you can get more active, athletic, and strong when your older.

 

[TGP]

3 hours ago, Salinger said:

 

…..Im crying because i have no point. Theres no point me being here really. I need to find something quickly i think, before i fall into the abyss again. xx

 

 

But, BUT BUT 

 

don't cry about that!  you ARE testing your limits!  you are doing a  REALLY tough thing.  things  in the future can get better, yes, and you might feel like you'll Never get there.... but you CAN.

 

what you gotta do is defeat the DEMONS of the day.

there are NOT different on a hiking trail, Trust me!  in fact, in my Big hiking challenge, Mental adversity was a BIG part of my victory.

 

your working on making these new and exciting things TODAY.  by not falling into despair.  by getting up after you cry and vowing to keep on working on things.  by not making a bad few days of diets or exercises, making you feel like you can't do better at Both!

 

did you see my poem post about trying again... lets see... where is that?

 

"When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

 

Life is strange with its twists and turns
As every one of us sometimes learns
And many a failure comes about
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow—
You may succeed with another blow.
Success is failure turned inside out—
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,

 

And you never can tell just how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit—
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit"

 

anyways, its a really good poem.  I find it inspirational to read sometimes.

its good to have the "big picture" of what you would like.  but your in the trenches and trading blows with the enemy.  Kept up the soldiering and in the future you'll creep towards 

your long term aspirations.

IMHO

----------------------

so Whats your purpose!? to survive and Succeed!  to see another day, to creep towards you goals!!  

[Maggie-Miau]

3 hours ago, Salinger said:

I need to think, ok this is why im getting up in the morning....to get to this point, to do this thing. 

 

What if you pick a short-term goal then, just to get yourself going? Like, pick one thing each day (whether that's deciding the night before, or just choosing something to decide you want to do every day) that you can hype up to yourself, like one main 'quest' for the day? Anything at all can be a little adventure if you choose to think of it that way.

 

3 hours ago, Salinger said:

It saddens me because i feel i wasted my 20's with so much self hatred. I dont want to lose my 30's to that mindset.

 

Not gonna lie to you, i feel that way about my childhood and teens, and currently struggle now in my 20's not to let them just pass by. I think you're onto something about the self-hatred. Learning to accept yourself as you are could go a long way to helping you get to where you want to be. You want to be more athletic and fit and to look a certain way, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, but you also deserve fun and love and enjoyment now, as you are. You don't have to wait to reach some point of 'worthiness', because you're already worthy. 

 

3 hours ago, Salinger said:

Im crying because i have no point. Theres no point me being here really. I need to find something quickly i think, before i fall into the abyss again. xx

 

in my opinion, just being you is a point and a purpose. your art, everyone who's felt something or paused for a thought after seeing your work or being part of one of your shows. everyone you've ever offered encouragement to or made smile. you might not see it or think it's any big deal but you do have a positive effect on the world just by virtue of your warmth and kindness and being who you are. there's only one you, and you deserve to be here. I know you're not religious, but for hat it's worth, i believe nobody comes into this world by mistake. You're here for a reason and, more importantly, you. are. important.

[SkyGirl]

3 hours ago, Maggie-Miau said:

in my opinion, just being you is a point and a purpose. your art, everyone who's felt something or paused for a thought after seeing your work or being part of one of your shows. everyone you've ever offered encouragement to or made smile. you might not see it or think it's any big deal but you do have a positive effect on the world just by virtue of your warmth and kindness and being who you are. there's only one you, and you deserve to be here. I know you're not religious, but for hat it's worth, i believe nobody comes into this world by mistake. You're here for a reason and, more importantly, you. are. important.

 

I second this 110%.  ❤️  Case in point, I have looked for you on the forums these last couple of days because I noticed the absence of your kind spirit in the places I usually see you. That doesn't mean you shouldn't have been resting, because you absolutely should do whatever you need to take care of yourself - but your presence is a very real and important part of my life and all of our lives, and many other people off these forums too. 

 

Sal, 

7 hours ago, Salinger said:

I want to have a point to life, to plan things upcoming to work towards....i dont think 'losing weight' is working for me, i need goals. I need to think, ok this is why im getting up in the morning....to get to this point, to do this thing. 

 

It's really really hard to find this when you're depressed. Please don't judge yourself for struggling to see a goal or a point when you're feeling this way, because it isn't your fault. Depression drains the life out of you, and you need some energy to come up with big goals like these.

 

However. The things you listed in that post were beautiful, and I have 100% faith that every one of them is within your grasp. And all of them can be broken down into smaller steps - to get back to playing football, maybe one step is just buying a football, or having someone re-inflate the one you have. One step could be sitting on the couch and practicing dribbling the ball between your feet, if you don't have the energy to stand up and do it. Or if you do, you can dribble it around your living room. You can put a piece of cardboard against the wall and kick the ball against that, and practice your kicks and receiving it back.    My point being, if you see one thing that makes you go "Yes, that sounds really good to me right now," but you don't have the energy to break it down into manageable steps, we can help you with that.

  

11 hours ago, TGP said:

you don't tell a drowning person their not swimming well

 

This is beautiful and I really like it. Don't worry about your food not being good, your exercise not being good, anything like that. If you got through today, if you ate some food, if you got up and stretched once or twice, if you gave yourself a bath or a TV show or something that makes you feel good - then that's exactly what you should be doing.  ❤️  

 

Thank you for taking care of the beautiful person called Sal whom we all love very much.    We really appreciate how hard you're working to look after her when she's not feeling well, and we wish we could be there in person to help, but we're all here in spirit and we're so glad you're giving her the love we wish we could give with our own hands.

[aramis]

Hey Liz. 

Sorry to hear your depression hit so hard. But on the other hand - it makes me happy how many people care for you, cheer and support you here.  

 

Speaking of goals - you say football, hiking, climbing, tennis. Those are great goals to work toward. 

8 hours ago, Salinger said:

i dont think 'losing weight' is working for me

As I see it, losing weight isn't a destination, it's a step in longer journey to your goals. Treat it like a tool - to drive in nail, you need a hammer. But having a hammer isn't a goal - hanging a picture on a wall is. 

 

But to be able to reach your goals, you need a plan. A map of your adventure. Yes, adventure! Though hard work, this journey can be as much (or as little) fun as you decide it to be. If you wish, I'm here to help. 

 

Hugs!

[Salinger]

Hello - good morning. 6.50am. Sat on the sofa with a cup of tea, with my blanket round me. I have bad acid reflux this morning so had to get up....

 

Thank you for such kind thoughts....

 

@TGP thanks for that poem I get scared sometimes of trying some adventures, because i feel mentally weak. But i can try and think of goals to reach! x

 

@Maggie-Miau helloooo thank you so so much for lovely kind words, you made me smile when i woke up so  i appreciate that a lot x

 

@SkyGirl  thanks as always. ❤️ again, for making me smile. You are wonderful x

 

 

______

 

I feel lucky to have you guys around me. 

 

Today, this morning, i mean ive been awake an hour or so, Im sleepy still and cold but my tea was delicious and i want another cup. 

 

Im about to track my diet for the day and will STICK to it best i can. I also want to try and get out to exercise. I NEED GOALS. Lets work together to make it. Thanks again everyone. Love you all xx

[Salinger]

2 minutes ago, aramis said:

Hey Liz. 

Sorry to hear your depression hit so hard. But on the other hand - it makes me happy how many people care for you, cheer and support you here.  

 

Speaking of goals - you say football, hiking, climbing, tennis. Those are great goals to work toward. 

As I see it, losing weight isn't a destination, it's a step in longer journey to your goals. Treat it like a tool - to drive in nail, you need a hammer. But having a hammer isn't a goal - hanging a picture on a wall is. 

 

But to be able to reach your goals, you need a plan. A map of your adventure. Yes, adventure! Though hard work, this journey can be as much (or as little) fun as you decide it to be. If you wish, I'm here to help. 

 

Hugs!

 

Hey just posted and missed you... ❤️ 

 

Of course, your help is greatly appreciated. A map of my adventure sounds great and fun Aramis xx

[Yasha92]

I don’t pretend at all to be an artist... but I feel like it could be cool to have a piece that was one long board with 365 nails along the top and every day you track your steps/distance and you hang a piece of string/wire/chain that relates to the distance you went from the nail. Some days might just be the knot on the nail, or a single link. And gradually as you build your endurance the chains get longer and longer, as you unwrap them from yourself and hang them on the wall instead. Like a secret diary of your walk to endurance.

 

Regardless of how you choose to track your exercise, know that you need to take SMALL STEPS FIRST! If that means walking to the shop once today, and then maybe one and a half times tomorrow, that’s a win! If that means walking one length of the footy field, that’s a win! If it means going and watching a local social game to start getting your brain into the live action sounds and smells and headspace... you guessed it: that’s a win!

 

We love you so much, and want you to be able to do the things you love. We don’t care how much you weigh, only that you’re able to do things that lift you up

[Salinger]

1 hour ago, Yasha92 said:

 

 

We love you so much, and want you to be able to do the things you love. We don’t care how much you weigh, only that you’re able to do things that lift you up

 

❤️ thank you Yasha.... how lovely !!!! And cool idea for art...you are really creative xx

[Echoceanic]

Life is about choosing. And every time you choose to do (or choose to try to do) something that is kind to yourself, be it speaking to yourself like you would to a friend, making a nice meal, letting yourself relax instead of beating yourself up, exercising for the endorphins, you're making a choice that will lead you closer to your goal.

When I read your post I though "Her goal isn't to be thin, her goal is to be comfortable in her own body," and you don't get that just by being thin. If you woke up tomorrow at the weight you wanted to be, your insecurities wouldn't just magically vanish, that's a mental thing.

You can make the choice to live instead of survive. It's going to take a while, and it's not going to be true all of the time, but you don't need it to be. All you need is to work towards it. Because if you try you might fail, and have to pick yourself up and try again, but if you don't try at all you get nothing at all. At least like this you find out what doesn't work.

[Salinger]

2 hours ago, Echoceanic said:

Life is about choosing. And every time you choose to do (or choose to try to do) something that is kind to yourself, be it speaking to yourself like you would to a friend, making a nice meal, letting yourself relax instead of beating yourself up, exercising for the endorphins, you're making a choice that will lead you closer to your goal.

When I read your post I though "Her goal isn't to be thin, her goal is to be comfortable in her own body," and you don't get that just by being thin. If you woke up tomorrow at the weight you wanted to be, your insecurities wouldn't just magically vanish, that's a mental thing.

You can make the choice to live instead of survive. It's going to take a while, and it's not going to be true all of the time, but you don't need it to be. All you need is to work towards it. Because if you try you might fail, and have to pick yourself up and try again, but if you don't try at all you get nothing at all. At least like this you find out what doesn't work.

 

Really good thoughts Echo thanks for sharing ❤️ 

 

I like the last couple of sentences best too...xx

 

 

_______

 

Hey all 4pm here, phew what a LONG day already. Ive worked so so hard, on the zine thats coming out in a few weeks, and also started creating the pages for the exhibition catalogue, ive got a front page eeeeeeek

 

Its secret but ill show you guys

 

 

 im prettty pleased!

 

Diet has been ok, ive tried to eat properly, ive had about 800 calories so far i think, maybe 900. Got dinner planned (steak, potatoes and veggies) and fruit and yogurt for later. MAYBE chocolate bar. 

 

I will try to walk to the shops again, as always that utter dread of exercise is there. Ive done some stretches, (whilst trying to figure out the design for the cover) and BW squats. 

 

I just made a nice of tea, and Jackson is sat on the sofa staring at me for some reason...

 

I have a confession to make guys.....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My tree is still up from christmas HAHAHAHAH ive been so depressed i havent got rid of it yet eeeeek. Its dark here now, but tomorrow its the main chore to do. And put my fairy lights up elsewhere...maybe ill feel good to freshen the room up?

 

How embarrassing hahaha

 

Im trying to keep my spirits higher, trying not to let the head demons win. Ive been good with taking my meds lately which is one good thing. 

 

x

[Echoceanic]

22 minutes ago, Salinger said:

I will try to walk to the shops again, as always that utter dread of exercise is there. Ive done some stretches, (whilst trying to figure out the design for the cover) and BW squats. 

 

That sounds like a great day exercise-wise. And yes, by all means, eat.

[aramis]

1 hour ago, Salinger said:

ive got a front page

Love it! I think I already told you, but I'll repeat it - I find strange Warhol-y feel in your work. 

 

 

1 hour ago, Salinger said:

I will try to walk to the shops again, as always that utter dread of exercise is there. Ive done some stretches, (whilst trying to figure out the design for the cover) and BW squats.

Can you explain this dread? I'm probably missing something between the lines... (stupid Pole, can't even spell Worcestershire*...)

 

But woot on stretches and squats!

 

Hugs!

 

*actually, I can. Or at least I think so  

[Salinger]

1 minute ago, aramis said:

Love it! I think I already told you, but I'll repeat it - I find strange Warhol-y feel in your work. 

 

 

Thank you! big compliment, even if some of his work i hate hahaha he was the first to do a LOT though, which i really admire and appreciate

 

2 minutes ago, aramis said:

 

Can you explain this dread? I'm probably missing something between the lines... (stupid Pole, can't even spell Worcestershire*...)

 

But woot on stretches and squats!

 

Hugs!

 

*actually, I can. Or at least I think so  

 

No not missing anything between the lines, i just cant explain it very well....

 

I think its dread due to anxiety, maybe of failing...also maybe im just very very lazy and i wont admit that? which is kinda really annoying and sad. 

 

Hugs right back to you ❤️ xx

[TGP]

32 minutes ago, Salinger said:

 

I think its dread due to anxiety, maybe of failing...also maybe im just very very lazy and i wont admit that? which is kinda really annoying and sad. 

 

 

 

at the core,

we are All very VERY lazy. by NATURE!  our body Wants to have it easy and not work for anything.

 

I think its important to recognize this.

 

please don't think as you read online of this guy or that; that Bassa$$ joe blow, doesn't want to simply laze away in ease with tons of cash and do practically nothing.  ofc he does!

 

... but on the other hand.

 

athelete's (and I consider myself a very minor humble , small "a" athlete)... have long term habits of exercise.  they've set their lives so that the exercise is something they are proud of, and used to doing.  they're bodies are conditioned to it; and their minds are used to how it feels like to do their routine (even a harder more intense routine).

 

its not that they aren't lazy. its all about long term habits than you can build; little by little.

--------

 

in the end. please understand that Anxiety is a chemical reaction in your mind amplified by thoughts.  I like to think of some of these as little demons as they are really negative buggers that make things hard.  you have fears perhaps and maybe some experiences with exercise that might not be that positive.  and with those experiences, the demons pesters you with too much negativity when you strive to do things.

 

we all fall short.

that by itself is NOT a  reason to not do things.  but it takes extra bravery and courage to do stuff with your inner demon is sitting their calling you lazy and telling you you're going to fail.  

 

so give yourself some credit.

 

your NOT lazy.  instead; you have anxiety and you worry that you're lazy.  ( so what I did  there, not quite the same thing)

but if you WERE lazy.  you wouldn't be a freelance artist.

 

you'd be starved many moons ago if you were lazy given that occupation.

[Echoceanic]

6 minutes ago, TGP said:

but if you WERE lazy.  you wouldn't be a freelance artist.

 

THIS

 

Also, your brain doesn't only want to be lazy, it wants to stay the way it is. It hates change. I've used the paths in snow metaphor before and I'll use it again (it's easier to walk down the path you've walked before, and hence flattened the snow, but to make a new one you need more effort). That's why it's always so easy to fall back on habits.

[Salinger]

12 minutes ago, TGP said:

 

 

 

your NOT lazy.  instead; you have anxiety and you worry that you're lazy.  ( so what I did  there, not quite the same thing)

but if you WERE lazy.  you wouldn't be a freelance artist.

 

you'd be starved many moons ago if you were lazy given that occupation.

 

Again, all of this makes sense and helps me, and this last bit really really HELPS>>>>>

 

you are right too, ive worked constantly all day (its 7pm, im still going) i have to... maybe i need to try push that determination into exercise.

 

xx

[Salinger]

7 minutes ago, Echoceanic said:

 

THIS

 

Also, your brain doesn't only want to be lazy, it wants to stay the way it is. It hates change. I've used the paths in snow metaphor before and I'll use it again (it's easier to walk down the path you've walked before, and hence flattened the snow, but to make a new one you need more effort). That's why it's always so easy to fall back on habits.

 

Another brill metaphor thanks Echo. SO true as well. Ill try to remember this xx

[SkyGirl]

11 hours ago, Echoceanic said:

If you woke up tomorrow at the weight you wanted to be, your insecurities wouldn't just magically vanish, that's a mental thing.

 

This is so true!! I weigh less at the moment than I did even in high school, and I still look in the mirror and see things I don't like and wish I could change. Feeling "fat" didn't disappear with the weight.

 

8 hours ago, Salinger said:

My tree is still up from christmas HAHAHAHAH ive been so depressed i havent got rid of it yet eeeeek. Its dark here now, but tomorrow its the main chore to do. And put my fairy lights up elsewhere...maybe ill feel good to freshen the room up?

 

I only just took my tree down last weekend, and I only did that because someone made fun of me!!    Freshening the room is absolutely a big mood booster!

 

6 hours ago, TGP said:

but if you WERE lazy.  you wouldn't be a freelance artist.

 

you'd be starved many moons ago if you were lazy given that occupation.

 

I love EVERYTHING about this post, @TGP!!! From start to finish I was nodding "yes!!". 

[Salinger]

Thanks @SkyGirl  ❤️ 

 

________

 

Hey all its 7.30am and it is freeeeezing. So im on the sofa, wrapped in my duvet, my nose is like ice haha

 

I have a nice cup of tea though to try and warm me up. 

 

Jackson is having breakfast and I will have something soon, after my cuppa. 

 

Saturday morning then, the week has gone pretty quickly. 5 weeks to go until funding decision!! (yes im counting down the weeks!!!)

 

Mood wise, not too bad this morn. A lot of anxiety but im trying to keep it at bay. Depression has lifted a little which im grateful for, it was killing me last week. 

 

Not got much planned this weekend, just work stuff. Might be meeting a friend as well later or tomorrow, but unsure. We said we would message on the day and see what we are up to...

 

Got a lot of work to do anyway, designing the catalogue pages need sorting out. Its not bad work though, i do enjoy it being creative and stuff. I can pop some music on and spend a few hours on it. 

 

Football is on too ... so ill probably watch a couple of games. 

 

I will track my diet plan for the day. And make sure to drink more water. Been slacking on that a bit. Oh and take meds of course! 

 

I should also exercise, perhaps a walk somewhere or just go to the gym. im trying hard to get into the mindset of habit...its tough. Too much thinking bleugh. xx

[Salinger]

ps. Me and Jackson had a moment last night, he never sleeps on the sofa with me   but last night, i was lying there watching the footy and he came and slept right in my hand

 

 

True love ❤️