Salinger's twenty eighth challenge!

[Aquarii]

12 hours ago, Salinger said:

Im really aching from the two gym days during the weekend. DOMS woooo. Hard to get up actually haha i have terrible period pain / cramps as well. So achey all over. Unsure if going to the gym will help, it feels impossible to exercise whilst feeling crampy. I can decide later. 

 

I hear ya, girl. Those cramps knock me out of the exercise game every month. 

 

12 hours ago, Salinger said:

I have A LOT to do this week, not only finishing the applications, but also life stuff, like sort out my stupid fucking assessment which makes me want to sob in fear. Also council tax stuff...stressssssssss

 

You can do it!! We believe in you

[Salinger]

Hey guys thanks so much for your kind words

 

Its 4.15AM... ugh. I wake up at this time most days, and i hate lying awake in bed, so i have made a cup of tea, ill have this, and try again to sleep. Maybe the warm tea will soothe me. I think its anxiety that wakes me?

 

Also added stress regarding the funding, im SURE to hear today. SICKENING. hahaahaha ill explain how it works. 

 

I will get an email to say my decision is live on the portal....but they dont say what the decision is in the email (!) so i have to log into the portal, find the project and it will either say decision letter (which is a rejection) or it will say offer letter (which is success) 

 

So as you can see, they make it as stressful as possible hahaha

 

I prob wont hear till like 4pm anyway, so no point panicking yet. Im just thinking, if it is rejected what on earth im going to do...my car needs insurance soon, i have debts coming out of my ears, work to make for the exhibition, people to pay, a zine to get printed....FUCK. 

 

*breathe, breathe, breathe*

 

 

xx

[TGP]

You'll Handle it!

 

one thing at a time, stone by stone and One obstacle at a time.

 

I know some people like to Tell them NO when things like this are uncertain but I'm not Sold on the idea.  

 

getting ONE NO is bad enough no point in telling yourself NO over and over again swamping you mind with unnecessary stress.

 

Anyways;  LIFE it always seems to me, has a strange YES-NO way about it anyways....

 

you think something AWFUL is going to happen and it Doesn't! (what a relief) but then something you didn't know about happens and you have a NEW PROBLEM

 

then you think such a thing would be really GREAT!  and ... its not as good as you hoped for.

 

-----.

the "future's is not our to see"

 

that reminds me.  there was an old vintage song about this.  if featured some French.  "Que Serai, Serai"

Ever heard of it?

 

 

 

[Salinger]

1 minute ago, TGP said:

 

 

that reminds me.  there was an old vintage song about this.  if featured some French.  "

Ever heard of it?

 

 

 

 

Oh of course.... its even used in my favourite thing ever....

 

 

[Salinger]

So i havent heard today and im worrying now because it was the last day to hear.... i will have to call them tomorrow morning and ask whats going on. 

Im stressed out massively because i have so much to do and i feel im WAITING for this to come through so i can get back on with life i feel constantly sick about it. 

 

I have barely eaten today, ive been self hating etc. 

 

I did manage to clean the kitchen and play with Jackson a bit though. 

 

Just feeling poorly from all the stress. xx

[Maggie-Miau]

Heyoo, Sal, so sorry you didn't hear from them  today. I wonder what's going on?

 

Please don't self hate! Regardless of the decision, you are a good person, a worthy person. This funding, of course it does have a massive impact on your life, but it is not the deciding vote on you as a person. I'm sorry you have to go through such struggles but please hold onto the fact that you've been through them before, that while- if the decision isn't a favorable one -it will be a difficult battle, you've made it through 100% of the previous times, and you'll fight that battle if and when it presents itself.

 

However, right now, you don't know that it's a bad thing. Certainly try  to be mentally prepared for that but also, surely it can't hurt to hold onto some kind of hope? At the very least, the only useful things to be done in this situation are to make that call tomorrow and to take care of yourself as best you can in the meantime. Get yourself a good snack, drink some water or tea, play with Jackson...whatever you need to do.

 

Sending you all the hugs and fingers crossed for  tomorrow! ❤️

[Salinger]

3 hours ago, Maggie-Miau said:

Heyoo, Sal, so sorry you didn't hear from them  today. I wonder what's going on?

 

Please don't self hate! Regardless of the decision, you are a good person, a worthy person. This funding, of course it does have a massive impact on your life, but it is not the deciding vote on you as a person. I'm sorry you have to go through such struggles but please hold onto the fact that you've been through them before, that while- if the decision isn't a favorable one -it will be a difficult battle, you've made it through 100% of the previous times, and you'll fight that battle if and when it presents itself.

 

However, right now, you don't know that it's a bad thing. Certainly try  to be mentally prepared for that but also, surely it can't hurt to hold onto some kind of hope? At the very least, the only useful things to be done in this situation are to make that call tomorrow and to take care of yourself as best you can in the meantime. Get yourself a good snack, drink some water or tea, play with Jackson...whatever you need to do.

 

Sending you all the hugs and fingers crossed for  tomorrow! ❤️

 

Hey Mia, thank you oh wise one

 

I will call them in the morning. 

 

Im trying hard to not self hate too much, but its tough...! and i made a BAD decision and ate mcdonalds because id eaten nothing all day and had no energy to cook  then i hated myself for doing that, ok £3 spent on a burger and small fries but still...i could have used that to top gas up!

 

Anyway, at least i got out of bed and im on the sofa watching the football. I should maybe make a cup of tea...i had some water. 

 

Thanks again Mia ❤️ xx

[Yasha92]

Maybe the person who was meant to send the email was out sick today. Or maybe right as they were going to send the email someone burned toast in the kitchen and set off the fire alarm and they all had to evacuate (it’s happened in my office!). Whatever it is, the delay in sending likely has nothing to do with the outcome.

 

Calling tomorrow sounds like a good idea.

 

Self hate is a tricky one. I saw a motivational picture that said something along the line of: imagine you are sitting across the table from your ten year old self. Would you say those horrible things to that little kid? Likely not. So then you catch yourself as the meaness starts to happen and you say “we don’t use that language in our house” and then say something nice to you.

 

If you’re up to it, I would like you to put a sticky note by your kettle, or on the mug cupboard that says “I am worthy.” Read it, say it, even when you don’t believe it. Parrot it out to that little kid self, build them up to greatness.

 

You got dis.

[Salinger]

3 minutes ago, Yasha92 said:

Maybe the person who was meant to send the email was out sick today. Or maybe right as they were going to send the email someone burned toast in the kitchen and set off the fire alarm and they all had to evacuate (it’s happened in my office!). Whatever it is, the delay in sending likely has nothing to do with the outcome.

 

Calling tomorrow sounds like a good idea.

 

Self hate is a tricky one. I saw a motivational picture that said something along the line of: imagine you are sitting across the table from your ten year old self. Would you say those horrible things to that little kid? Likely not. So then you catch yourself as the meaness starts to happen and you say “we don’t use that language in our house” and then say something nice to you.

 

If you’re up to it, I would like you to put a sticky note by your kettle, or on the mug cupboard that says “I am worthy.” Read it, say it, even when you don’t believe it. Parrot it out to that little kid self, build them up to greatness.

 

You got dis.

 

haha uh oh burning toast haha

 

Yes maybe they were off ill.... ill call tomorrow. Nothing i can do overnight. 

 

Thats good advice Yasha, thank you ❤️ 

 

I will find my sticky notes in the morning xx

 

 

______

 

Hey 10pm. Listening to music...chatting to my friend online. 

 

Also, texting a girl  not loads, just now and again we exchange messages. She has asked to go for a drink on a date eeeek. I will defo, but when i have money, ive explained my situation, she said she will wait.

 

I know its only messaging but i kinda like her...she seems a lot more suited to me, in terms of things in common. BUT she is polyamorous. And i have never been in a poly relationship or know how i would react etc....

 

I guess its ok to explore it? I need to be braver i think with stuff. Anywayyyyyyyyyyyyy whatever. Im going to make a tea xx

 

 

[shaar]

Date date daaaaaate!
 

A healthy poly relationship requires a lot of lot of communication, and a lot of boundaries and expectations set up right from the start. It’s hard work but can be rewarding for the right people. 💕

 

Also I agree, maybe the email person had the flu, just like everyone here ahahaaa~ 

[Maggie-Miau]

imo after a certain point, any food you're willing to eat is 'good' food. maybe it doesn't fit your typical calorie goals and isn't jam-packed with vitamins and whatnot but honestly? sometimes that stuff has to be secondary objective to just 'eat' ❤️

[Salinger]

8 hours ago, loire said:

Date date daaaaaate!
 

A healthy poly relationship requires a lot of lot of communication, and a lot of boundaries and expectations set up right from the start. It’s hard work but can be rewarding for the right people. 💕

 

Also I agree, maybe the email person had the flu, just like everyone here ahahaaa~ 

 

Thanks Loire, very confusing right now, BUT im going to just enjoy talking to her, and look forward to meeting her and not let my brain demons overthink like usual. In other news, that man wants to meet up again aaaghhhhhh....

xx

 

8 hours ago, Maggie-Miau said:

imo after a certain point, any food you're willing to eat is 'good' food. maybe it doesn't fit your typical calorie goals and isn't jam-packed with vitamins and whatnot but honestly? sometimes that stuff has to be secondary objective to just 'eat' ❤️

 

Thank you Mia, thats a decent point. Ill make todays food better xx

[Salinger]

Hello all...

 

8am here, slept AWFUL, my word...maybe 3 hours in total which is not good. Prob due to me spending so much time not doing anything, crying, lazing and moping about. 

 

Well is today the day i hear? Is the flu person back at work? hahahahhahah

 

I will call around 11 am i have decided. 

 

Until then, i MUST work on the next application...it HAS to be ready by Sunday. 

 

Its so so cold this morning, my hands are like ice typing this. I have a hot cup of tea though to warm me through. I may have some porridge for breakfast too. I better track food or else ill mess up again. 

 

I may try to go to the gym, feels so tough whilst waiting but i suppose it will waste some time?! And distract me perhaps. 

 

Number 1 priority today though is this stupid application. xx

[aramis]

1 hour ago, Salinger said:

Number 1 priority today though is this stupid application

 

It's important, right? So it's not "stupid". Annoying? For sure. Anxiety-inducing? Maybe. But not stupid.

By telling it's stupid you rip it off of it's importance, hence telling yourself subconsciously it's not a must to do it. But it is, so better get going  If you focus, you'll deal with it in no time, I'm sure.

[Salinger]

3 minutes ago, aramis said:

 

It's important, right? So it's not "stupid". Annoying? For sure. Anxiety-inducing? Maybe. But not stupid.

By telling it's stupid you rip it off of it's importance, hence telling yourself subconsciously it's not a must to do it. But it is, so better get going  If you focus, you'll deal with it in no time, I'm sure.

 

Very true and another example of my negative emotion towards myself!!!! thanks for pointing it out xx

[aramis]

6 minutes ago, Salinger said:

negative emotion towards myself

Wouldn't call it this way. Diminishing the value of stuff we don't like is built in our brains since forever. As example - kids in school say the task is stupid when they struggle with it. Lawyers depend on showing opposing side in a bad light when they don't have hard proof against them. Same for politicians. We all build up our esteem against a problem we struggle with by trying to diminish the importance of said problem. 

But it doesn't work with important stuff. If it has to be done, it has to be done no matter how long the name calling will last.

And the best way is to acknowledge the importance (and difficulty) of the problem, make a plan (divide work in smaller, manageable tasks) and just work on it.

 

Yes, I'm being hypocrite here, it's easier to give advice than to follow them by myself... 

[NicTheRugger]

On 1/13/2020 at 12:49 PM, Salinger said:

Dear Lizz 

The Artists Information Company is pleased to offer you a bursary of £1,695 to support the activity set out in your Artist Bursary 2020 application.

*pulls out a confetti gun and fires it* That's AMAZING, Liz!! Congratulations! I'm so happy for you. New York is a great city for the arts. I hope you have an amazing time when you come around to this side of the pond!. I'm sure whatever you end up doing for your exhibit will be amazing. Your art is fantastic, and I'm sure you're going to wow people.

 

3 hours ago, Salinger said:

Hello all...

 

8am here, slept AWFUL, my word...maybe 3 hours in total which is not good. Prob due to me spending so much time not doing anything, crying, lazing and moping about. 

 

Well is today the day i hear? Is the flu person back at work? hahahahhahah

 

I will call around 11 am i have decided. 

 

Until then, i MUST work on the next application...it HAS to be ready by Sunday. 

 

Its so so cold this morning, my hands are like ice typing this. I have a hot cup of tea though to warm me through. I may have some porridge for breakfast too. I better track food or else ill mess up again. 

 

I may try to go to the gym, feels so tough whilst waiting but i suppose it will waste some time?! And distract me perhaps. 

 

Number 1 priority today though is this stupid application. xx

I think distracting yourself while you're anxiously waiting is a good thing! And I hope the phone call goes well.  My fingers are crossed for you!

 

Also, @aramis is spot-on with calling the application stupid. It may be stressful, anxiety-inducing, complicated, and many other things... but it's not stupid. Stupid means that it's not worth doing; not only that, because it's something you want, don't devalue it! When you devalue the things you want, you devalue yourself as well. The application may be hard, but you have a group of people who will be cheering you on every second of the process. 

[Salinger]

3 hours ago, NicTheRugger said:

*pulls out a confetti gun and fires it* That's AMAZING, Liz!! Congratulations! I'm so happy for you. New York is a great city for the arts. I hope you have an amazing time when you come around to this side of the pond!. I'm sure whatever you end up doing for your exhibit will be amazing. Your art is fantastic, and I'm sure you're going to wow people.

 

 

 

Thank you thank you ❤️ 

 

3 hours ago, NicTheRugger said:

 

 

I think distracting yourself while you're anxiously waiting is a good thing! And I hope the phone call goes well.  My fingers are crossed for you!

 

Ugh still nothing....

 

[Jupiter]

8 hours ago, Salinger said:

I will call around 11 am i have decided. 

 

Until then, i MUST work on the next application...it HAS to be ready by Sunday. 

 

[jonfirestar]

Hmm apparently I wasn't in here Lizz  I'm here now though. I am not going to pretend that I'm going to read all 8 pages though! Thank you so much for being there for me when you were.

[Maggie-Miau]

How are you today, Sal? Any word yet? Friendly reminder that you're awesome no matter what ❤️

[Salinger]

8 hours ago, jonfirestar said:

Hmm apparently I wasn't in here Lizz  I'm here now though. I am not going to pretend that I'm going to read all 8 pages though! Thank you so much for being there for me when you were.

 

No worries Jon, you know where i am when you want to talk more ❤️ xx

 

2 hours ago, Maggie-Miau said:

How are you today, Sal? Any word yet? Friendly reminder that you're awesome no matter what ❤️

 

Hi Mia, no bloody word yet, i dont think they even know why i havent heard, all they keep saying is, "you should hear by the end of tomorrow" - so i guess i wait... and wait....

 

Its very frustrating and i wont lie, its making my anxiety go into overdrive. 

 

Im sort of ok though, i have a cough and i fell asleep at 8pm and woke at midnight, so now im drinking tea (its 1am) and hoping it soothes me before trying to sleep again!

 

I came into a bit of money, as i edited some essays of my friend for his uni course. (fine art stuff) i didnt expect to be paid but he sent some money to me which was VERY kind of him. So that means, a really good friend of mine from down South, may be coming to visit me tomorrow. (Friday) 

 

I hope he does come up ... we will go for a few drinks and generally have a massive catch up

 

Then watch the football on Saturday before he drives back home. Will be just what i need, distraction and friends...

 

xx

[SkyGirl]

I don't know whyyyyyy bureaucratic people have to be so friggin' slow.      SUCH HECKING FRUSTRATE.

 

I hope you don't mind that I've been praying for you and for good news.  ❤️ 

[NicTheRugger]

Aah, that's so frustrating that they haven't gotten back to you yet! Very unprofessional of them. 😠 I hope you have a lovely time with your friend this weekend!

[Salinger]

8 hours ago, SkyGirl said:

I don't know whyyyyyy bureaucratic people have to be so friggin' slow.      SUCH HECKING FRUSTRATE.

 

I hope you don't mind that I've been praying for you and for good news.  ❤️ 

 

Yes very annoying

 

I dont mind, thanks xx

 

50 minutes ago, NicTheRugger said:

Aah, that's so frustrating that they haven't gotten back to you yet! Very unprofessional of them. 😠 I hope you have a lovely time with your friend this weekend!

 

Yeah im pissed off, not helping my mental health !!! 

 

Thanks a lot Nic xx

 

______

 

Hey all. 12.30pm here, very cold, im waiting till 2.30 to pop heating on so its warm for when my friend arrives. 

 

I called the funding place this morning, they said a decision has been made, but they cant tell me over the phone  but i will get an email some time today (apparently) 

 

Now my brain is in overdrive thinking he sounded sad for me, so its probably a rejection HAHA seriously silly observation!

 

Its been so tough waiting. Im unsure if im even bothered about it now 
 

Of course thats sort of a lie, i NEED the money desperately....

 

Anyway. My friends on his way, 3 and a half hour drive ....he will be here around 3pm. im excited to see him. 

 

I do feel a bit sick though, prob anxiety, so im drinking tea and trying to keep calm as possible. xx