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Whisper tries something else.


Whisper

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Been kind of a rough day.

 

The lady that M and I have been bringing to church the last two years is dying. Aggressive pancreatic cancer.

 

Her mind has been slipping more alarmingly the last several weeks. About a month ago we got with one of the pastors about our concerns and she got the parish nurse involved. Two weeks ago no one answered when we tried to get her for church. Tried to bring her a card Christmas Eve, her son answered the door, said she wasn't feeling well.


Last week M got a call saying she had a cold and wasn't going to church, when we got to church we found out about the cancer. Tried stopping by with a little gift bag that afternoon but got no answer, so left it on the door knob.

Didn't hear anything before today, so tried calling to see if we should get her. Got her husband, found out she was in the hospital.

Parish nurse visited her on Wednesday. She fell on Thursday and was taken to the hospital. The tumor has completely blocked off her bile duct, they put in a drain yesterday. It has nearly blocked off her stomach, a decision has not yet been made about a feeding tube. Plan is to send her home on hospice care tomorrow. Her skin was alarmingly yellow, but was apparently better than the orange it had been.

 

Her memory was really bad when we visited the hospital after church. She knew who we were, but it was like nothing new was being recorded. Knew she was in a hospital but not why. Happy to get to go home tomorrow, over and over again. Trouble remembering her dogs' names and if there were 3 or 4. We stayed with her while her husband went to get some lunch, she couldn't remember where he went. Didn't remember that her son had been there nearly constantly for days...

 

M is really, really upset about this. I don't know how I feel. Part of me just doesn't care. Part of me is releaved that a chore is coming to an end. Part of me is ashamed of those other parts. 

 

I started picking her up because she needed someone to, I kept doing it because it still needed doing. To me, she's just an old lady telling me the same stories as I drove her to church, and telling me how much she loved my violin playing and had always wanted to learn to play as I drove her home.

 

I don't dislike her, but I don't know that I ever actually liked her. Just something that needed doing that cost me next to nothing to do, so I did it.

 

Part of me feels like a damn cold basterd.

  • Like 8

We are not sinners trespassing in the garden of an angry God.

We are prodigals come home; fully seen and deeply loved.

 

Put together enough small wins over a long enough period of time,

and you’ll find yourself in high level gear fighting dragons before you know it.

Spoiler

 

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There is nothing wrong with how you feel. You never had a relationship with this person outside of giving rides so there isn't much there to miss when she dies. Relief is common after the passing of someone who had a lot of needs. 

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Current Challenge

"By the Most-Righteous-and-Blessed Beard of Sir Tanktimus the Encourager!" - Jarl Rurik Harrgath

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Basically what Tank said. 

 

And its not like you dropped her as soon as you didn't need to drive her. You still showed concern for her well being, checking in on her, bringing her a card+gift basket, spending time with her despite not having any meaningful relationship with her. It is okay to be neutral towards people.

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{Chase the wind and touch the sky; I will fly}

 

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From Lily Nichols

Give yourself permission to eat when you’re hungry and permission to feel and respond to your emotions when you’re not. And, most of all, forgive yourself when you do overeat. We’re all human and guilt is both unproductive and detrimental.

 

Gonna use that as my thought for today. I definitely spent time last night eating my emotions. I know why and I don't need to waste time today beating myself up over it.

  • Like 7

We are not sinners trespassing in the garden of an angry God.

We are prodigals come home; fully seen and deeply loved.

 

Put together enough small wins over a long enough period of time,

and you’ll find yourself in high level gear fighting dragons before you know it.

Spoiler

 

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Sorry to sidetrack

 

On 1/3/2020 at 10:36 AM, Defining said:

It might help to consider that numbers lie. :P By that I mean that you could be 5lbs heavier and significantly leaner, and LOOK totally different. Maybe it would help to consider different numbers to replace the weight tracking? Could be hip:waist ratio, or lifting goals maybe?

 

I have tried that, but I lack the ability to measure consistently. Like one week I will measure and and be one number, the next week I will measure and be Down 2 inches then the next I will be up 5. I can't find a good way to do it where I feel I am being consistent and sadly,  Ilife is not allowing for the gym or lifting. I am doing somewhat body weight exercises and while I record how many I do, its doesn't really feel like progress. Especially when I have bigger issues to deal with, so I am doing what I can when I can.

 

Whisper

I love the paintings. I am sorry to hear about the lady for the church. I don't think you are being cold. You care about how M is taking this, you have been a help to her when maybe no one else would have. But in the end, she was someone you knew, but not someone who you are super close with. Oh and listen to Tank. He will be better with the words and how to deal with this than well, at least me. 

And well, just remember, sometimes life is a pain, and eating emotions happens. But nothing you can do about it besides trying to do just a bit better tommorrow

  • Like 5

You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream - C.S. Lewis

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There is a distinct possibility that I have some 88 browser tabs open, broken between two windows. I have this bad habit of starting to read an article or something, and seeing links to other articles that I think will be interesting and having things snowball out of control. I really do plan on reading all of them, honest! 

 

14 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

I have tried that, but I lack the ability to measure consistently. Like one week I will measure and and be one number, the next week I will measure and be Down 2 inches then the next I will be up 5. I can't find a good way to do it where I feel I am being consistent

I have one of the self retracting body measure tapes. Think I got it from amazon. I let the internal spring set how tight the tape is, which really helps for getting consistent results. 

 

Thank you everyone for the encouragement. 

  • Like 5

We are not sinners trespassing in the garden of an angry God.

We are prodigals come home; fully seen and deeply loved.

 

Put together enough small wins over a long enough period of time,

and you’ll find yourself in high level gear fighting dragons before you know it.

Spoiler

 

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Seconding what everyone else said about the church lady because they said the smart things already. 

  • Like 3

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9 hours ago, fleaball said:

Seconding what everyone else said about the church lady because they said the smart things already. 

 

Hey, No one ever accused me of being smart. I am way too *searches for a word that works here and isn't something that will get smacked down* Bean for that.

  • Haha 4

You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream - C.S. Lewis

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21 hours ago, Whisper said:

There is a distinct possibility that I have some 88 browser tabs open, broken between two windows. I have this bad habit of starting to read an article or something, and seeing links to other articles that I think will be interesting and having things snowball out of control. I really do plan on reading all of them, honest! 

Ohhh you are one of those lol. My boyfriend does this but with youtube videos and im like UGGGH JUST LET ME CLOSE THEM ALL...... 

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{Chase the wind and touch the sky; I will fly}

 

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12 minutes ago, Rookie said:

Ohhh you are one of those lol. My boyfriend does this but with youtube videos and im like UGGGH JUST LET ME CLOSE THEM ALL...... 

I do that with Youtube too. Currently only 1 Youtube tab. Video I want to get around to watching. Roughly 40 of them (a window unto themselves) are related to oil painting. Most of the rest have to do with healthy eating. Been trying to hold myself to closing them out at least as fast as I open them.

  • Like 3

We are not sinners trespassing in the garden of an angry God.

We are prodigals come home; fully seen and deeply loved.

 

Put together enough small wins over a long enough period of time,

and you’ll find yourself in high level gear fighting dragons before you know it.

Spoiler

 

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A bit late to the party, but I like the idea of intuitive eating as well. I hope it works for you to become happier (and to lose some weight eventually).

 

On 1/2/2020 at 4:51 AM, Whisper said:

I never before realized how much hunger feels like nausea in my body. Is that normal?

A bit anecdotal, but for me it's an indication that I'm too late with eating when I start to feel nauseous. If I ignore my normal hunger cues, I first feel dizzy (happens fairly often), then nauseous (almost never nowadays, because I know I need to eat at dizziness) and shortly thereafter extremely lethargic. I have learned that if my meals might become irregular due to travelling or something else, that I need to bring some sugary food with me (where fruit is also sugary food). Every body is different though, and I haven't seen anyone else that has this extreme reaction to not eating.

 

Anyway, following to see how it goes :).

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I need to move my goals out of my head and into a format so:

 

BOOM!

 

Behold the wall o' text!

 

  Week 1
  Goal Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday
Sleep
Elect out of BR              
Electronics off by 7              
Gratitude              
Brush / Floss              
Sleep Start by 8:30              
Eat
Mindful 2nd Breakfast              
Mindful Elevenses               
Mindful Dinner              
Read IE Book              
Move
10,000 Steps              
10 Flights of Stairs              
BHO x2              
Clean
Living room clean              
Space improved              
No dishes left              
  Extras              
  Clear off cart              
  Clear off desk              
  Recycling Out              
                 
  No books in boxes              
                 

 

 

Sleep

I have given up on the notion of sleep ever not being an issue for me, but that doesn't mean that I cannot strive to do better. I have a sleep disorder; my primary care doc and the specialist she sent me to in Saint George say it is Narcolepsy, the two sleep docs I've seen in Salt Lake say it is just apnea, but with 5 years on CPAP, and all signs on the machine saying that the apnea is being properly treated, I'm still not better.  I've struggled with the idea of having Narcolepsy since it was first proposed (over 6 years ago), but taking the Narcolepsy meds is the only thing that really seems to help, so that is how I'm going to treat it.

 

The meds help, the CPAP helps some, but they aren't enough. I do better with a solid routine, but I suck at sticking to it. I've simplified and lowered some expectations to try and hit something that I can stick with.

1. Sleep hygiene is important, but I want to read in bed, so I'm not going for perfect. Keep the electronics out of the bedroom AT ALL TIMES. If they get in there, it is too easy to keep using them when I should be sleeping. Also, need to turn that stuff off by 7.

2. Gratitude makes a good transition out of my day and provides a structure for prayer. I picked up a nifty Gratitude Journal from Kurzgesagt; I need to start using it.

3. Brush / Floss: Gotta keep up this habit. I've made good progress on it, but it is too easy for me to fall back out of.

4. Sleep start by 8:30. That probably seems ridiculously early, but my alarm is set for 3:45 am and my work shift starts at 5. I'm aiming to keep this bedtime all week long, but I'm not yet ready to try and enforce that early ass wake time on my days off. Maybe after bedtime is consistent I'll think about it, but the fact is, when I am able to do it, my body seems to crave nearly 10 hours a night in bed.

 

Eat

I've decided to give up on counting calories. Too much gusse work, too much stress, not enough results. I've decided to give Initiative Eating a go. I've got the book, I need to read it. One aspect I know I need to improve on is mindful eating, so that is the goal for 2nd breakfast, Elevenses and Dinner. I'm probably going to work on going back to a low carb diet, as I've found I have fewer food cravings on it and generally feel better. This is going to take some extra work on my part, as I've mostly relinquished control over what I have for dinner. Lady I rent from, who also makes dinner, is understanding, I just need to basically tell her what I'm doing, that I don't expect her to cater for me and I'll just eat around what she's prepared for the household, and if there isn't enough that fits my goals, I'll throw something together for myself. Not a direct goal yet, but something that I'm working towards. 

 

Move

I do not move to lose weight, I move to feel better, to fight depression, and to support my long term health and recreation goals. 

1. 10,000 steps, this is basically a freebie on work days. Not sure I'll hold to it on days off or not.

2. 10 flights of stairs. I was doing this consistently for a bit, but fell off it with the two odd weeks with Christmas and New Years. Done it today, and I'm going to grab a post from my last thread and put it after this post to help me get motivated to get back to it. 

3. BHO is Breath Hard Outside. The stairs make me breath hard inside, but I want to be moving outside at least twice a week. Air quality, weather and schedule can complicate this, but I think two a week is reasonable. 

 

Clean

I have a confession to make. I seem to be by default both lazy and slovenly. (hangs head in shame) I don't like this about myself. I know I do and feel better when things are clean and orderly, but they seem to endlessly devolve into messes, which I ignore. This is an area that I need to consistently strive in.

1. Living Room clean. This is a semi private space, in that most of the time no one goes into the basement, but there are times when they do, and I feel shame and embarrassment knowing that people have been there. The solution is to keep it neat every day. It isn't far off right now; I just need to put in a little bit of effort. 

2. We're not going to talk about my bedroom right now, were just going to try and improve it a little bit everyday.

3. No dishes left. With my other goals, this should be a freebie, but sometimes I collect tea cups. I don't need to collect tea cups.

 

My big extra goal for this challenge is NO BOOKS IN BOXES! I've been living at this place for the better part of a  year, time to get the damn books out of their boxes and onto shelves. That'll free up storage space currently dedicated to boxes of books and help the rest of my cleaning / storing goals. I've got lots of shelf space once I clean it up some. If I can't fit all my books onto them, than it is time to start weeding out things I'm not realistically going to read again. Don't worry Pratchett/Weber/Card/Flewelling/Bear/Adams/Lewis/Asimov... you're safe. My old math book? Maybe not so much.

 

This looks like a lot, but most of it should be quick to do, or built into the structure of the day. A few places to really stretch myself, but I think this should be sustainable. If it proves not to be, I give myself permission to change things.

 

 

  • Like 6

We are not sinners trespassing in the garden of an angry God.

We are prodigals come home; fully seen and deeply loved.

 

Put together enough small wins over a long enough period of time,

and you’ll find yourself in high level gear fighting dragons before you know it.

Spoiler

 

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1357477442_20191205_0644471.thumb.jpg.98f367d245a064f50cc168045a7b68d5.jpg

 

I do not like the physical act of going up and down these stairs over and over again.

I do not like the way my legs start to burn.

I do not like the way my breath gets short.

I do not like the way heart starts to pound.

I do not like the way sweat breaks out over my body.

I do not like that there is always someone that notices that I'm pacing the stairs.

I do not like the way my brain tells me that they're looking at me like a crazy person.

I do not like so much about doing this.

 

I do like the feeling of accomplishment when I am done.

I do like the boost to my hourly step goal.

I do like knowing that whatever else happens today, I've used my body for something.

I do like knowing that one of the best ways to fight my depression is to get my heart rate up.

I do like that anyone that has talked to me about doing the stairs doesn't think I'm doing something crazy, they think I'm doing something impressive.

I do like feeling like there is something solid growing under the flab of my legs.

 

I do like knowing that doing those stairs will help me be ready to these stairs once the snow melts, and I do like these stairs.

20190718_161239.thumb.jpg.0981a5baf3aebde3e2a7fb0317343814.jpg

  • Like 6

We are not sinners trespassing in the garden of an angry God.

We are prodigals come home; fully seen and deeply loved.

 

Put together enough small wins over a long enough period of time,

and you’ll find yourself in high level gear fighting dragons before you know it.

Spoiler

 

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1 hour ago, Whisper said:

I do that with Youtube too. Currently only 1 Youtube tab. Video I want to get around to watching. Roughly 40 of them (a window unto themselves) are related to oil painting. Most of the rest have to do with healthy eating. Been trying to hold myself to closing them out at least as fast as I open them.

Well.... okay. Those subjects are very acceptable :) Oil painting is intimidating to me lol. Is that what you currently do? I do acrylic and chalk pastel but mostly acrylic nowadays.

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{Chase the wind and touch the sky; I will fly}

 

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2 minutes ago, Rookie said:

Well.... okay. Those subjects are very acceptable :) Oil painting is intimidating to me lol. Is that what you currently do? I do acrylic and chalk pastel but mostly acrylic nowadays.

I do oil painting. I like the way I can blend things and work the paint while it is still wet, but sometimes it can be annoying having to wait for a layer to dry when you don't want things to blend. I hear a lot of people say oil is intimidating, but it really isn't nearly as hard as a lot of people seem to think. I got a gift certificate for a free class and decided to give it a go. With exactly zero experience in oil, and only dabbling a little bit with acrylics several years beforehand, I was able to do the following in just a few hours. Granted, the teacher helped.540170826_20190615_1208051.thumb.jpg.5344361ff6694489d51fe35a3f6e2f03.jpg

  • Like 6

We are not sinners trespassing in the garden of an angry God.

We are prodigals come home; fully seen and deeply loved.

 

Put together enough small wins over a long enough period of time,

and you’ll find yourself in high level gear fighting dragons before you know it.

Spoiler

 

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10 hours ago, Whisper said:

I do oil painting. I like the way I can blend things and work the paint while it is still wet, but sometimes it can be annoying having to wait for a layer to dry when you don't want things to blend. I hear a lot of people say oil is intimidating, but it really isn't nearly as hard as a lot of people seem to think. I got a gift certificate for a free class and decided to give it a go. With exactly zero experience in oil, and only dabbling a little bit with acrylics several years beforehand, I was able to do the following in just a few hours. Granted, the teacher helped.540170826_20190615_1208051.thumb.jpg.5344361ff6694489d51fe35a3f6e2f03.jpg

Happy little trees. It's your own little world. Maybe another tree because everybody needs a friend.

  • Like 5

Current Challenge

"By the Most-Righteous-and-Blessed Beard of Sir Tanktimus the Encourager!" - Jarl Rurik Harrgath

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20 hours ago, Waanie said:

That painting is beautiful :). The style reminds me a bit of Bob Ross.

 

10 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Happy little trees. It's your own little world. Maybe another tree because everybody needs a friend.

 

Bob Ross is  one of the two main reasons I wanted to try oil painting in the first place. I've loved watching him paint for years. His soothing voice and "no mistakes, only happy accidents" approach to things just made the world seem better, and he makes it look so easy that I never had the "oil pants are hard" idea that seems to be so prevalent.

 

The other motivator was inheriting my grandmother's oil paints. Figured they should be put to use again.

  • Like 4

We are not sinners trespassing in the garden of an angry God.

We are prodigals come home; fully seen and deeply loved.

 

Put together enough small wins over a long enough period of time,

and you’ll find yourself in high level gear fighting dragons before you know it.

Spoiler

 

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  Goal Wednesday
Sleep
Elect out of BR  
Electronics off by 7  
Gratitude  
Brush / Floss  
Sleep Start by 8:30 7:15
Eat
Mindful Breakfast  
Mindful Lunch  
Mindful Supper  
Read IE Book  
Move
10,000 Steps 11,531
10 Flights of Stairs  
BHO x2  
Clean
Living room clean  
Space improved  
No dishes left  
  Extras  
  Clear off cart  
  Clear off desk  
  Recyling Out  
     
  No books in boxes  

 

 

Wednesday went well. Paying attention while I eat is still a challenge, but I'm getting better at it. I was bad tired by the time I got home and it was hard to get myself to do anything, but I really wanted to get my living room cleaned up. Anything that was trash did get thrown away, but everything else got added to the mess in the bedroom and closet. Still, feels good to have at least one area in good shape. Went to bed early and slept fairly well. Picked up some Melatonin, I tried it years ago and it didn't seem to do anything, but that was before I started the Xyrem, and I am wondering if with the bigger issue being addressed, it might be able to help improve quality over just the Xyrem, so giving it a go. 

  • Like 4

We are not sinners trespassing in the garden of an angry God.

We are prodigals come home; fully seen and deeply loved.

 

Put together enough small wins over a long enough period of time,

and you’ll find yourself in high level gear fighting dragons before you know it.

Spoiler

 

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13 minutes ago, Whisper said:

Wednesday went well. Paying attention while I eat is still a challenge, but I'm getting better at it. I was bad tired by the time I got home and it was hard to get myself to do anything, but I really wanted to get my living room cleaned up. Anything that was trash did get thrown away, but everything else got added to the mess in the bedroom and closet. Still, feels good to have at least one area in good shape. Went to bed early and slept fairly well. Picked up some Melatonin, I tried it years ago and it didn't seem to do anything, but that was before I started the Xyrem, and I am wondering if with the bigger issue being addressed, it might be able to help improve quality over just the Xyrem, so giving it a go. 

 

Looks like you are off to a solid start. Hopefully the melatonin helps. I totally relate on the sleep issues, I just fear getting meds for it since I handle meds... differently than most and I get all the weird side effects. Good luck getting the books out.

  • Thanks 1

You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream - C.S. Lewis

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21 minutes ago, Bean Sidhe said:

Good luck getting the books out.

I'm hoping to have tomorrow off work. Got some medical stuff to take care of, but if all goes well, I should be able to at least empty a couple boxes onto book shelves. I'll worry about sorting them once I've got them all out.

  • Like 1

We are not sinners trespassing in the garden of an angry God.

We are prodigals come home; fully seen and deeply loved.

 

Put together enough small wins over a long enough period of time,

and you’ll find yourself in high level gear fighting dragons before you know it.

Spoiler

 

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29 minutes ago, Bean Sidhe said:

If you find a solution to this, please let me know. I may have a similar issue.

I will share the secret with the world if I figure that out. Make the big bucks haha. 

 

So far delegation has worked a little bit but needs some refining. Maybe a shock collar? 

  • Haha 2

{Chase the wind and touch the sky; I will fly}

 

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