Whisper tries something else.

[Whisper]

Could have used this instead of my spoiler

 

 

Today is a day for small goals:

1. Find 10 small productive things to do at work between major problems (spending too much time skating my job)

2. When I get home, crush the cans and get them into a bag. I don't have to take them out, just contain them.

3. Get in the damn shower.

 

[Whisper]

1. Did better at being productive during slow times at work. Not good, but better.

 

2. Got cans crushed and put in a bag to be smuggled out later.

 

3. Got in the shower. I don't understand why, but just getting in is the hard part. I enjoy the water and feeling clean, and while I don't like the act of shaving, I am much happier once it is done. It is not possible for me to feel like my face is clean with hair on it.

 

Bonus round: I filled my pill organisers. I think I've been good about taking my thyroid meds, but I've been off the supplements - and whatever pill my doc gave me to try - all week. I don't know if I just take the stuff when I'm doing better, or if I do better when I take the stuff.

 

My body is still unhappy with me, and my brain isn't sure about much of anything, but at least my outside and space are in slightly better condition.

 

Working overtime tomorrow. Going to try and get to sleep early.

[Whisper]

Got to sleep just after 8 last night, so not much early, but a whole hell of a lot better than midnight. Slept fairly well, woke up tired, but then, I always wake up tired. Less brutally tired than most mornings this week, which is good since I ran out of Monsters, so didn't have one to drink before driving to work.

 

At work, drinking my bulletproof coffee with protein powder, but I keep thinking about going to the break room and buying some donuts. Not sure if I really want them or just want to eat emotions. Not sure if I'll like how I feel if I do eat them.

[Rookie]

 

We are here for you. Good job on getting your to do list done progress is progress.

 

What you were saying in that spoiler was really relateable in parts. I hate that feeling of "I know I should be doing this and its good for me.. so I should do it.. but I just can't make myself do it." Thats where I struggle a lot. 

[fleaball]

On 1/23/2020 at 9:10 PM, Whisper said:

Got in the shower. I don't understand why, but just getting in is the hard part. I enjoy the water and feeling clean,

Get out of my head please. This is my exact problem. I'll spend two hours trying to convince myself to take a shower, and then once I'm in I don't understand why it was a struggle in the first place. 

 

Sorry to hear you're having such a rough time right now. Sending hugs if you want them. ❤️

[Whisper]

8 hours ago, fleaball said:

Get out of my head please. This is my exact problem. I'll spend two hours trying to convince myself to take a shower, and then once I'm in I don't understand why it was a struggle in the first place. 

 

Sorry to hear you're having such a rough time right now. Sending hugs if you want them. ❤️

 

Virtual hugs are good. Physical hugs would probably really bother me and would only be tolerated as an act of soothing the distressed if the person trying to sooth my distress...

 

I am definitely going through a depressive cycle right now; not that that hasn't been clear from my last several posts, just helps to call it what it is. Brain chemistry has decided to go out of whack or some shit. Negative self talk intensifying, but I know better than to listen to it. Lots of feeling like I'm going to start crying for no reason. Managed to make myself stop at CostCo on the way home yesterday and get some needed things. Cat food and litter, Monsters, more MCT oil, some healthier snack stuff that'll need to be portioned. When I got out to the car I realized I had left my headlights on. Turned them off, loaded up the car. I actually did cry a little when the car started.

 

I really just want to hide at home today, but M really wants to go to painting and it isn't like wallowing here is going to help anything, so I need to start getting my shit together to go.

[Whisper]

[fleaball]

Crying is acceptable! Maybe even warranted if it's emotions that need to be let out. At least you're aware of the depression bullshit and can take steps to punch it in the face, or at least ignore the lies from your brain while you wait for it to pass. That's still something.

[Whisper]

If you haven't seen CGP Grey's newest video, watch that before reading this.

 

So, I was watching that, and resonating with just about everything he said. I've tried to avoid New Year's Resolutions for a while as not helpful to real change, but I like his idea of giving years broad themes to help guide your navigation and choices. At first, I was thinking The Year of Health, but then he put up this graphic with different theme ideas and off in one corner was Attention, and it was like a lighting strike!

 

What am I trying to do with my eating? Pay attention to it, while eating, how it tastes, how it makes me feel, the feelings that are leading me to eat in that moment. Paying attention, to my space and surrounds and improving them. Paying attention to my other needs. Not being an unconscious traveler through time, but being real and present. 

 

This year is signed up for the Life's Library Book Club, as a way to get myself to read good things that I otherwise wouldn't have, and throw some money at a group that is doing some really good stuff in the world. I just got the first book and physical stuff, and a big theme they're pushing right now? ATTENTION! Got a snazzy new poster, which I am going to put up today to help me remember my theme, and a little bracelet that I don't know what I'll do with. It does feel like several things are coming together to give me confirmation that this is what I need to be doing.

 

[Whisper]

So this sounds really dumb, at least in my head, but I'm actually afraid to start reading my book club book. The Parable of the Sower. I signed up to be exposed to good books I wouldn't otherwise read, to try and grow and expand my horizons, but the truth is that for nearly a year now, I've been afraid to read much of anything. All I've been doing is re-reading discworld books because they are safe. I've read them all before and though I don't remember everything, I trust that it will be a good story and often funny. I've always been more prone to re-read books, re-watch movies, re-play games, than to try a new book or movie or game. Because I know the known is good and safe, and the unknown might be bad. This need for safety in my reading has been extra strong this last year. I'm not even re-reading other things, just discworld, not Weber, or Asimov, or Card or anyone else I know is good. Just Pratchett because he is funny.

 

I trust that this book will be good, but I do not trust it to be safe. I skimmed a little bit of it when I first got it, and I know that there will be child sexual abuse, so it isn't going to be safe.

 

I signed up for the Discord for the book club. I've never used Discord before and it felt overwhelming. I trust that the people putting this together will try and have the Discord be safe, but it just felt like too much. 

 

Not sure what to do with all of this, so for now I'm going to keep re-playing a game.

[NicTheRugger]

On 1/23/2020 at 9:10 PM, Whisper said:

1. Did better at being productive during slow times at work. Not good, but better.

That's all we can really ask for! Slow and steady improvement. Doing better is good in and of itself, even if it's not where you want it to be

 

11 hours ago, Whisper said:

So this sounds really dumb, at least in my head, but I'm actually afraid to start reading my book club book. The Parable of the Sower. I signed up to be exposed to good books I wouldn't otherwise read, to try and grow and expand my horizons, but the truth is that for nearly a year now, I've been afraid to read much of anything. All I've been doing is re-reading discworld books because they are safe. I've read them all before and though I don't remember everything, I trust that it will be a good story and often funny. I've always been more prone to re-read books, re-watch movies, re-play games, than to try a new book or movie or game. Because I know the known is good and safe, and the unknown might be bad. This need for safety in my reading has been extra strong this last year. I'm not even re-reading other things, just discworld, not Weber, or Asimov, or Card or anyone else I know is good. Just Pratchett because he is funny.

 

I trust that this book will be good, but I do not trust it to be safe. I skimmed a little bit of it when I first got it, and I know that there will be child sexual abuse, so it isn't going to be safe.

 

I signed up for the Discord for the book club. I've never used Discord before and it felt overwhelming. I trust that the people putting this together will try and have the Discord be safe, but it just felt like too much. 

 

Not sure what to do with all of this, so for now I'm going to keep re-playing a game.

The fear of the unknown can be paralyzing at times! And when things get stressful, we can often slide back into "comfort zones." (Do you know how many times I've rewatched Queer Eye on Netflix? Hint: too many. I watch it when my mental health is taking a dive because I know it's a safe show to watch and it makes me feel better.) What's important is to remember "20 seconds of courage." All you need is 20 seconds to pick up the new book. And who knows, you may end up finding a new book that brings you comfort when things are bad for you.  Good luck, my friend!

[Rookie]

Right now I am totally with you on the randomly crying or tearing up. Things were very overwhelming for me and now they are sizzling down but to the point where I find myself just sitting there then all of a sudden I will think of something and feel the need to cry. 

 

I think Attention is a great word/theme for the year. Last year was "Trying new things" and this year I was thinking of Consistent.. I am surprised 'attention' isn't a word I thought of.. that would of been a good fit for me too. 

 

The thing with the Discord (and I feel a lot of people forget this) is that if the conversation starts to feel unsafe you can leave. You can physically get up and leave or you can shut down the program / mute the channel. I don't know if this is the case with you but I find people feel obligated to stick around when they get uncomfortable. Nope... totally not necessary. You are not obligated to stay if you start to feel uncomfortable. 

 

I think I peaked with the Harry Potter series... I haven't found a series of books I liked as much. They have such a special place for me. I haven't felt that spark with most books I have read since. BUT I am making an effort this year to read more things that are on my bookcase. I don't feel afraid of reading a new book but I find I can be a bit picky on which books I will read and I have a hard time reading if it doesn't peak my attention... So it can be hard for me to start a new book. 

[Emma]

In. College English class many many years ago I had to read a short story. It was horrible depicting in great detail the suffering an animal had gone through while dying. I dropped the class rather than read more of that stuff and never did finish the English requirement. I read review of book that local book club had picked and decided not to join in. I totally get “safe” books. I would tell a friend don’t read that book right now. It sounds like you’ve had a hard time emotionally lately and why traumatize yourself any more right now? 

I also have trouble getting myself into the shower. Why is that?

[Whisper]

It has been a Monday.

 

Got word this morning that the lady I had been driving to church the last two years passed away during the night. Not exactly unexpected; she's been on hospice for a couple weeks now, but still. M is taking it hard; she was supposed to visit her today and regrets not visiting yesterday. I'm not really good at comforting, but I tried.

 

My left shoulder has been bothering me some the last two weeks and has been hurting all day. Took some naproxen at work, but it got so bad during bell practice that I couldn't keep lifting my bells. Probably need to get the damn thing looked at.

 

After bells, family texted chain made it clear that something BIG had happened. My Uncle had gone to live with my brother about 6 months ago. Uncle has a lot of medical issues that were being looked at. My understanding of the plan was that Uncle would be there for several more months, having and recovering from surgeries. I come out of bells and suddenly Uncle is in a Greyhound to the place Aunty is planning on moving? WTF Batman? Called brother mine and talked with him for about 40 minutes. Lots going on, fun family drama stuff. Was nice talking with him, I should do that more often.

 

Now after bedtime and not in a sleeping state of mind. I can feel the sleep meds starting to kick in; need to relax and let them work.

[fleaball]

Seconding @Emma, I would suggest not reading that book right now. Save it for when you’re in a better place emotionally and can handle it - or not, because there’s nothing wrong with protecting yourself, book club or no. 
 

Does the dog die is a crowdsourced list of triggers in books/movies/etc, if you want to use that while looking for new safe things to read; I’d only use it with an adblocker though bc when I checked just now there was a shit ton of political ads that took over the page. Also, unconventional suggestion, have you tried fanfiction? AO3 lets authors tag all kinds of shit so you can find what you like and avoid what you don’t. Fanfic can be annoying because of the varying quality, but I prefer it to ‘real’ books because since you know the characters already you just jump right into the story without a lot of boring exposition. /nerd

[Whisper]

Today has been a day for discarded plans!

 

I've been toying with the idea of signing up for a gym membership. There is a place not far from home offering $10/month no contract memberships. I've been thinking of maybe trying an elliptical as a good low impact way to get my heart rate up for a stretch, and I could use the time to watch youtube videos or something. Also, they would have some weights for me to play around with, which would also be good. One of my big fears right now is my weight causing injury when exercising. I don't want to imagine the impact on my feet and knees from trying to run or jog at 360 pounds, and that much bulk really does make stairs painful. 

 

Well, I realized this morning that paying $10 a month is kind of stupid, when there is a little gym room at my work, with some ellipticals and a few free weights. I could even more easily than stopping at the gym, just go in there and test out this plan and not need to spend any more money. One of my big hesitancies on using the room in the past has been embarrassment at being seen while working out, but I'm going to have the same problem at a full sized gym, lesser because I probably won't know anyone, worse because there'll be that many more people. 

 

So new plan: Wednesday evening I'm going to pack up some gym clothes and make sure my headphones are charged and everything is with my work stuff. Thursday, I'll clock out, change, and watch the latest episode of SFIA while on the elliptical at work. If this works out, awesome. If I get consistent with it (thinking Tuesdays and Thursdays), even better. If after getting consistent I decide that I want to upgrade to a real gym, I can do that, but at least this way I'm not wasting money to just try something I can try for free. 

 

 

[Whisper]

The saga of the CT scan that wasn't continues. My Dr's office talkes to my insurance and there are some labs they want done before they authorise the scan. I've been kicking that can down the road for almost 2 weeks. Finally forced myself to stop by the hospital after work to get them drawn. I hate needles and it never seems to go well. Tonight was no exception. After feeling around for a while they went in my left wrist, got one vile and lost flow. Went in my right wrist and got the rest. Now both wrists and forearms hurt and I'm not sure if it is real or just in my head.

[fleaball]

21 minutes ago, Whisper said:

The saga of the CT scan that wasn't continues. My Dr's office talkes to my insurance and there are some labs they want done before they authorise the scan. I've been kicking that can down the road for almost 2 weeks. Finally forced myself to stop by the hospital after work to get them drawn. I hate needles and it never seems to go well. Tonight was no exception. After feeling around for a while they went in my left wrist, got one vile and lost flow. Went in my right wrist and got the rest. Now both wrists and forearms hurt and I'm not sure if it is real or just in my head.

Aaaaaaaaack. I'm sorry, that blows. If they had to poke around a lot you're probably not imagining the pain and you'll probably have some interesting bruises tomorrow.  Tips I've gotten from the folks at my doctor's lab in the past: drink a shit ton of water in the day or two leading up to when you're getting blood drawn, and if you know you're a hard stick ask them to apply a heat pack for a minute or so before they stick you. Makes the veins easier to grab somehow.

 

Despite the difficulty, well done for going and doing it! 

[Whisper]

So, I've still been debating between using my 20 seconds of courage to start the book, and pushing it to the back for now. Got a notice from Discord this morning: Parable of the Sower does contain some heavy topics, and we remind you to please keep discussion of sensitive, upsetting, and/or graphic content to the #heavy_topics channel so that everyone can keep themselves and others safe during discussion. Please be forewarned that this novel includes depictions of: (white text, highlight to read) death, body horror, sexual assault, suicide, child neglect, cannibalism, slavery. Chapter 14, in particular, is a very heavy chapter. Please take care of yourselves!

 

And it is now NOPE o'clock. 

 

Their last book was Howl's Moving Castle. That did have an entry in Does the Dog Die that didn't look like it would be too bad. I might give that a try instead. For now, going to try and focus on spending more time reading Intuitive Eating

 

[Rookie]

18 hours ago, Whisper said:

One of my big fears right now is my weight causing injury when exercising. I don't want to imagine the impact on my feet and knees from trying to run or jog at 360 pounds, and that much bulk really does make stairs painful. 

I can relate to this one... My left knee sometimes hurts doing stairs. Today and yesterday its been not happy. 

 

18 hours ago, Whisper said:

Well, I realized this morning that paying $10 a month is kind of stupid, when there is a little gym room at my work, with some ellipticals and a few free weights. ... One of my big hesitancies on using the room in the past has been embarrassment at being seen while working out.

Oh that is very smart and I agree way better to use it for free and see how it goes. And you are only the new guy for awhile... once you start going more regularly you get to be apart of the secret club. I figure everyone is there for the same reason so no one can really judge. And if they are judging then I feel very sorry for them because they clearly have some sort of insecurities in their lives. You might also find when you go its empty because most people don't like staying at work extra if they don't have to. But in this case... totally worth it. 

 

18 hours ago, Whisper said:

So new plan: Wednesday evening I'm going to pack up some gym clothes and make sure my headphones are charged and everything is with my work stuff. 

You can do it!

 

52 minutes ago, Whisper said:

So, I've still been debating between using my 20 seconds of courage to start the book, and pushing it to the back for now. Got a notice from Discord this morning: Parable of the Sower does contain some heavy topics, and we remind you to please keep discussion of sensitive, upsetting, and/or graphic content to the #heavy_topics channel so that everyone can keep themselves and others safe during discussion. Please be forewarned that this novel includes depictions of: (white text, highlight to read) death, body horror, sexual assault, suicide, child neglect, cannibalism, slavery. Chapter 14, in particular, is a very heavy chapter. Please take care of yourselves!

 

Dafuq kind of book is that... It seems a bit intense for a book club.

[Whisper]

19 minutes ago, Rookie said:

Dafuq kind of book is that... It seems a bit intense for a book club.

I reached out to the person that put up the warning message and said roughly what I did here and asked if I should cancel the subscription. I am really happy with the answer they gave me.

 

Thank you so much for reaching out! I don't want to tell you whether or not you should cancel your subscription, but I can give you a but more information about the previous books chosen by LL, and hopefully that will help!

This is only the second book that we've had to add specific content warnings for - the first was House of the Spirits by Isabel Allende. The other eight books of 2019 did not have content that was graphic or troubling, and so we did not feel the need to add specific content warnings to our announcement of them. Even so, we added a #heavy_topics channel to each shelf so that if any discussion of, ya know, heavier topics were to happen, they would all be contained to one place and people would be able to avoid them if that wasn't the kind of thing they were interested in reading about or discussing.
That said, the inclusion of heavier topics is not something that is a deterrent for those choosing the books, so there always is the possibility of a book in the future also requiring these warnings. If you need to skip this book and come back in for the next one for the sake of your mental health, please do! Feel free to come back to this book later in the reading period (we will have six weeks of discussion), or you could just skip this book entirely and join in on discussions for the next book! Our next book is going to be REDACTED  if you'd like to look into it (but please don't spread that around too much - the official announcement hasn't gone out yet ).

Even if you don't want to discuss Parable of the Sower with us this reading period, there's lots of things going on in the Life's Library community that you could get involved in! The Kindness Challenge will be running for a few more days, your shelf's #lounge channel is a good place to talk about life, tea, or other books you're reading, and there will be more community events coming down the pipe soon as well! If you'd like to grab some of our older books and discuss them, you can do so in your shelf's #archive channel.

[Rookie]

3 hours ago, Whisper said:

I reached out to the person that put up the warning message and said roughly what I did here and asked if I should cancel the subscription. I am really happy with the answer they gave me.

 

Thank you so much for reaching out! I don't want to tell you whether or not you should cancel your subscription, but I can give you a but more information about the previous books chosen by LL, and hopefully that will help!

This is only the second book that we've had to add specific content warnings for - the first was House of the Spirits by Isabel Allende. The other eight books of 2019 did not have content that was graphic or troubling, and so we did not feel the need to add specific content warnings to our announcement of them. Even so, we added a #heavy_topics channel to each shelf so that if any discussion of, ya know, heavier topics were to happen, they would all be contained to one place and people would be able to avoid them if that wasn't the kind of thing they were interested in reading about or discussing.
That said, the inclusion of heavier topics is not something that is a deterrent for those choosing the books, so there always is the possibility of a book in the future also requiring these warnings. If you need to skip this book and come back in for the next one for the sake of your mental health, please do! Feel free to come back to this book later in the reading period (we will have six weeks of discussion), or you could just skip this book entirely and join in on discussions for the next book! Our next book is going to be REDACTED  if you'd like to look into it (but please don't spread that around too much - the official announcement hasn't gone out yet ).

Even if you don't want to discuss Parable of the Sower with us this reading period, there's lots of things going on in the Life's Library community that you could get involved in! The Kindness Challenge will be running for a few more days, your shelf's #lounge channel is a good place to talk about life, tea, or other books you're reading, and there will be more community events coming down the pipe soon as well! If you'd like to grab some of our older books and discuss them, you can do so in your shelf's #archive channel.

Oh well that reply is great! Sounds like you might be okay to not cancel after all. 

[Whisper]

15 hours ago, fleaball said:

Aaaaaaaaack. I'm sorry, that blows. If they had to poke around a lot you're probably not imagining the pain and you'll probably have some interesting bruises tomorrow.  Tips I've gotten from the folks at my doctor's lab in the past: drink a shit ton of water in the day or two leading up to when you're getting blood drawn, and if you know you're a hard stick ask them to apply a heat pack for a minute or so before they stick you. Makes the veins easier to grab somehow.

 

Despite the difficulty, well done for going and doing it! 

I'm good about drinking plenty of water when I know I'm going to have blood drawn. I've never heard of using heat packs before, I'll have to give that a try next time. 

[Whisper]

So, I was working with a couple other maintenance guys trying to find some parts when my manager comes up and asks me if I could talk with him for a moment. I follow him back to his office and one of the HR guys is there and my manager closes the door and asks me what my side of the "incident in shutters" is. I'm like, what? Didn't know there was one. Bit of talking and I figure out what is going on. I was working on a machine that I had paused mid cycle to clear a jam and do some manual testing, before resuming the product run. I'm still working on it and the machine starts running again. The operator is over by the controls, and I yell for her to pause the machine again.

 

Her english isn't great, but it isn't terrible either. We get along well normally and often joke with each other some. I honestly hadn't thought about it any further, but apparently she was really upset and scared. I'm not in any trouble, and I'm sorry that she perceived my actions that threateningly, but a big part of me is like "what the hell?" I'm working on a machine, it gets un-paused, I yell at the operator by the controls to pause the machine. It wasn't like I was right next to her and yelling in her ear, I was sitting on the floor, several feet away, in a noisy shop! I was trying to be heard with some urgency.

 

Grumble. I went back to the shop and apologised to her. Told her that I hadn't meant to scare her and that I was sorry I had. I could tell that she was still really upset, but I honestly just don't get it.

[Rookie]

Just reading that I was like 'Oh jeez' when you said it started while you were working on it because that sounds dangerous. What an odd situation.  Perhaps you came off differently than you realized? but still given the situation... it should be a non-issue.