• Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

Tobbe

Tobbe Becomes a Yogi

Recommended Posts

14 hours ago, Tobbe said:

I think so, yes. Normally this is not as much of a problem. When at home I can do my things, and she can do hers. I can cook my meals and she can cook hers if she doesn't want to eat what I'm making. We don't even have to eat at the same time, except for dinner when we all try to eat as a family. And then in the evening after the kids have gone to bed we can snuggle up in the couch and watch a movie or something. Writing that I realize we always seem to get along much better when the kids aren't around.

Yea, that does sound a little grown apart! but not too bad, I mean, if you can still snuggle up and watch a movie.. why do you think it is? do the kids trigger disagreements? 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
9 hours ago, KB Girl said:

Yea, that does sound a little grown apart! but not too bad, I mean, if you can still snuggle up and watch a movie.. why do you think it is? do the kids trigger disagreements? 

 

I don't know about the kids. I don't think we've ever had an argument about how to raise the kids. But it's like we both have the shortest temper when they're around. The slightest little thing and we snap.

 

It's so confusing. I like her when she's in a good mood. But then, to me, out of the blue she just treats me like crap. And I get sad and wonder why I even put up with that crap.

 

I have thought a lot about what life would be like if we divorced. It would be really nice to have more time without the kids every other week (if that's how we decide to do it). But it all seem too expensive and too much work to split everything up. But I don't want to live on my own, which means I would have to start dating, which I have no idea how to do. And if I did find someone she'd likely already have kids, or want kids. And I really do not want any more kids in my life... 

 

So I stick around. Because that's the most convenient option and I don't know if life would be all that much better if I left.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, Tobbe said:

 

I don't know about the kids. I don't think we've ever had an argument about how to raise the kids. But it's like we both have the shortest temper when they're around. The slightest little thing and we snap.

 

It's so confusing. I like her when she's in a good mood. But then, to me, out of the blue she just treats me like crap. And I get sad and wonder why I even put up with that crap.

 

I have thought a lot about what life would be like if we divorced. It would be really nice to have more time without the kids every other week (if that's how we decide to do it). But it all seem too expensive and too much work to split everything up. But I don't want to live on my own, which means I would have to start dating, which I have no idea how to do. And if I did find someone she'd likely already have kids, or want kids. And I really do not want any more kids in my life... 

 

So I stick around. Because that's the most convenient option and I don't know if life would be all that much better if I left.

I would hazard a guess that there’s a whole level of things going on in her mind - that may or may not have to do with you - but could 100% benefit from open and non-judge mental communication. 
 

Travel can also take it out of you, and making sure a whole family - especially children - are having a good time, getting what they need, are are safe - is exhausting. Hell, just traveling with 1 other adult can make for a shit time when you’re inevitably not always on the same page. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
8 hours ago, Tobbe said:

It's so confusing. I like her when she's in a good mood. But then, to me, out of the blue she just treats me like crap. And I get sad and wonder why I even put up with that crap.

I agree with Darkfoxx

 

But also: Sometimes my husband gets in a really foul mood and starts being angry with everyone. I love him totally, but I don't care for it. So I let him rage a little and then I tell him to take a breath. I ask him what is wrong and what I can do to help calm him down. At first he shakes it off and tells me nothing is wrong, I insist and he starts talking about everything that's bothering him. Just listening to him and letting him know I understand him helps. Sometimes I can offer practical help like picking up some tasks from his list, or doing something with the kids so he has his hands free. 

Talking, and especially listening are soooo important when stuff like this happens. Try to stay calm yourself during this talk. And if you can put words to what you're feeling and why.

For example: "I feel scared/frustrated/angry when you start yelling like that, please stop". Or "I'm really overwhelmed right now, you being all angry isn't helping me."

Words are powerful, use them 

 

I'm guessing @Tanktimus the Encourager has even better advise for you 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, darkfoxx said:

I would hazard a guess that there’s a whole level of things going on in her mind - that may or may not have to do with you - but could 100% benefit from open and non-judge mental communication. 

 

I agree. It's just so difficult to get her to actually tell me, in a way I understand, what's really wrong. We've been to family counseling before, like two or three years ago. Might be time for that again. I'll bring it up with her when we're back home again.

 

 

3 hours ago, darkfoxx said:

Travel can also take it out of you, and making sure a whole family - especially children - are having a good time, getting what they need, are are safe - is exhausting. Hell, just traveling with 1 other adult can make for a shit time when you’re inevitably not always on the same page. 

 

I think you're right. This has been going on for much longer than just this vacation. She has mentioned before that she's not been feeling good (mentally) because of stress and other things. I thought this vacation would finally let her feel much better because we're leaving all the stresses from home behind us. But as you say, traveling can be stressful too. So maybe, for her, it has just been replacing one stress source for another :( 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It's a difficult situation, on the one hand you don't sound invested in the relationship at all, but on the other hand it does sound like it would be very beneficial to work on making this work! Any clue how she feels about it? 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Terah said:

But also: Sometimes my husband gets in a really foul mood and starts being angry with everyone. I love him totally, but I don't care for it. So I let him rage a little and then I tell him to take a breath. I ask him what is wrong and what I can do to help calm him down.

 

That's exactly what I try to do, but obviously I'm doing it wrong, because she only gets even more angry with me.

 

2 hours ago, Terah said:

Talking, and especially listening are soooo important when stuff like this happens. Try to stay calm yourself during this talk. And if you can put words to what you're feeling and why.

 

I find it difficult to exactly put words to it. I try to come up with examples to describe what bothers me, but I can never remember enough when we do sit down to talk.

 

2 hours ago, Terah said:

Words are powerful, use them

 

They are! That's why I get so sad when she talks to me like she does sometimes. We use words to hurt each other, not to heal our relationship. She says she doesn't mean it in a hurtful way, and that I'm just being overly sensitive. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
18 minutes ago, KB Girl said:

Any clue how she feels about it? 

 

I have no idea. And I don't know how to ask her about it in a neutral way. In a way that doesn't upset her, and that isn't going to affect her answer.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yea better not ask then. 

Terah's suggestion is good though! if you want things to improve, maybe start with showing in small daily ways that you want to make life better for her/the both of you. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have been summoned. I know very little about your situation, and not nearly enough to offer advice. Because of my experiences with my ex, I'm reminded of her issues, but my ex is not your wife. I will say, however, that convenience is a poor reason to continue in a marriage if one or both partners are unhappy. It isn't good for the adults and not for the kids. You're in a tough spot. I can start following your next challenge and as I get more context might be able to offer more help than I have here.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
15 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I have been summoned. I know very little about your situation, and not nearly enough to offer advice. Because of my experiences with my ex, I'm reminded of her issues, but my ex is not your wife. I will say, however, that convenience is a poor reason to continue in a marriage if one or both partners are unhappy. It isn't good for the adults and not for the kids. You're in a tough spot. I can start following your next challenge and as I get more context might be able to offer more help than I have here.

 

I haven't written much about it before. It all kind of started in the middle of the previous page of this thread with this post 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.