iatetheyeti: from the ashes

[obax]

Seems I'm sticking around for now, so of course I'm following along.

 

6 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

 By that point you would know what sound yellow makes.

 

In case you were wondering

[Bob the Bardbarian]

On 12/30/2019 at 11:20 AM, iatetheyeti said:

Do something creative daily

What do you do to be creative?

[iatetheyeti]

14 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Mathmatically there's such a thing as a lethal dose of caffeine, but from what I understand it's virtually impossible to ingest enough coffee at once to get there because your body will metabolize it faster than it can be absorbed to build up to that lethal dose. By that point you would know what sound yellow makes.

 

Heh, so I'm safe with a few cups a day then!

 

 

7 hours ago, obax said:

Seems I'm sticking around for now, so of course I'm following along.

 

 

In case you were wondering

 

I'm really happy to hear you're sticking around  

 

...and the sound of yellow is actually kind of disturbing. It starts off quite nice, then the more it draws out the more it gives off the feeling of BEWARE.

 

 

4 hours ago, Bob the Bardbarian said:

What do you do to be creative?

 

At the moment I mostly draw or knit, sometimes I'll pick up my guitar. I'm trying to keep my focus narrowed for the first couple of months to ensure I get into a habit of allowing myself to indulge my creative side, then I might just go nuts because there are many, many things either I enjoy doing and haven't for years, or want to try and haven't.

 

[Bob the Bardbarian]

19 minutes ago, iatetheyeti said:

there are many, many things either I enjoy doing and haven't for years, or want to try and haven't.

Oh if I had a nickel for every hobby I started, and gave up on, I could buy my own island.

 

I believe that stretching your creative brain meat is a good thing though.  Being able to express yourself in different ways is always nice, and very therapeutic in my opinion.

Have you posted any of your drawings online?

[iatetheyeti]

26 minutes ago, Bob the Bardbarian said:

Have you posted any of your drawings online?

 

I have not, and probably won't for a long while, if ever. Some of that is rooted in my anxiety and fear of judgement, but mostly it's because, outside of the one stretch of time I was in college for art (and even then I really begrudged having to show people what I was working on), my art has always been a personal thing. It's very much as you said, a therapeutic way to express myself, and at the moment that's something I'd prefer to keep to myself. It might change in time, but for now I'm quite happy with things the way they are.

 

[Mistr]

6 hours ago, iatetheyeti said:

Heh, so I'm safe with a few cups a day then!

 

The Stronger By Science podcast had a discussion of caffeine and lifting. Apparently heavy coffee drinking is common among power lifters. They set six cups a day as the upper limit of reasonable. Probably because that was what one of the hosts normally drinks.  

 

6 hours ago, iatetheyeti said:

At the moment I mostly draw or knit, sometimes I'll pick up my guitar. I'm trying to keep my focus narrowed for the first couple of months to ensure I get into a habit of allowing myself to indulge my creative side, then I might just go nuts because there are many, many things either I enjoy doing and haven't for years, or want to try and haven't.

 

Oh yes, so many fun things. I totally agree that having just a few things going at once makes sense. Then you can see progress. I like to have one portable project that doesn't require tons of concentration to keep in my bag for waiting rooms, taking the bus, etc. I have more complex and less portable projects at home.

 

I am still trying to keep to the guideline of finishing two old projects before I start something new. That gives me some hope of eventually beating back my WIP stash.

[iatetheyeti]

1 hour ago, Mistr said:

The Stronger By Science podcast had a discussion of caffeine and lifting. Apparently heavy coffee drinking is common among power lifters. They set six cups a day as the upper limit of reasonable. Probably because that was what one of the hosts normally drinks.  

 

...so of course I had to go hunt down said podcast. I think it'll make good listening for my commute.

 

 

1 hour ago, Mistr said:

Oh yes, so many fun things. I totally agree that having just a few things going at once makes sense. Then you can see progress. I like to have one portable project that doesn't require tons of concentration to keep in my bag for waiting rooms, taking the bus, etc. I have more complex and less portable projects at home.

 

I am still trying to keep to the guideline of finishing two old projects before I start something new. That gives me some hope of eventually beating back my WIP stash.

 

Exactly so, and the reason I don't like to have just one thing on the go is because I get restless, so being able to hop between things is ideal. The idea of a portable project is a good one, might have to give that a try and see what happens.

 

[iatetheyeti]

Day One, Week One

So how's my Monday going? Well, I just spent the better part of an hour writing what was turning into quite a difficult and emotional update, and the forums ate it. It's just gone. I cannot describe the noise I made when that happened, just that it was inhuman and unhappy. So now I'm going to try again because the relief I was getting writing everything out has bounced back and curdled in my gut and if I leave it now I'll be electing to keep that feeling. And I don't want it. So we'll have an abridged version.

 

There was some bemoaning of not having my week zero tasks done, and then some prodding at myself to realise that there are actual reasons why, and that I can still take measurements and pictures this week, and I can do the social thing whenever I have the energy, and so on. I'm getting better at recognising when I'm being needlessly down on myself if not particularly good at stopping myself from actually doing it.

 

Not much happened today in spite of my original intentions, but that's also fine because I've been dedicating my time and energy to what is turning into an emotional behemoth.

Spoiler

 

It's become very obvious to me that I can't continue to deal with my poor mental health alone. It's also started to become clear that the process of getting help is now no longer as easy as I once believed it to be (and to be fair, I've never believed it to be easy at all). After my little coming out as nonbinary moment last challenge, I ordered a few books, mostly because that's what I do whenever I have a situation of any sort. I'd have done it a long time ago if I'd been admitting there was any sort of situation to be had, but... Books generally don't judge. After they arrived and I read through them, I felt what I can only describe as a kind of relief. It was a similar feeling to working with Gamesmaster for the first time and realising that he was gay as well. That's the best way I can pin it down, really. And after relief came understanding. Unsurprisingly, mental health is a thoroughly covered subject, and it's helped me figure out that a good bit of my previously 'unknown' anxiety has undoubtedly come from all of this. Probably unsurprising, really. But that in itself highlights an issue, and that's that virtually no one working for the NHS is trained to deal with things like this.

 

I've had issues in the past with NHS folks and my sexuality, and I've had it suggested to me by people that I just not mention it. I don't see why I should have to hide or lie about what is part of me, part of my life. I don't see why I should have to fear the reaction I'll get for revealing it. And given all of that, I'm more than a little afraid of the reaction I'd get from a healthcare professional now.

 

And that's where the books saved me. I was picky about what I wanted, I wanted something written by actual nonbinary people, and I wanted something relevant to my circumstances, meaning no US-centric stuff. And my pickiness paid off, because one of the books details a Scottish organisation that has an office in Edinburgh, that offers counselling and other services specifically for LGBT folks, that actually acknowledges nonbinary people on their website, and is a donation based service. All I need to do is send in a self-referral.

 

I am, to be blunt, shitting a brick.

 

It's basically perfect. It's somewhere I would be able to walk in, be open and honest about everything, and receive relevant help and advice. And it's within easy reach.

 

So of course my anxiety is screaming at me, that it's too good to be true, that I don't deserve it, that there's a catch. All that wonderful stuff.

 

Step one is getting a physical copy of the referral form. That's it. Just dusting off the printer, getting new ink if need be, and printing it off. That is all I need to worry about right now. Step two isn't possible without a physical copy of the form, so I don't need to worry about step two at all just yet. All I need to do is print a piece of paper.

 

And somehow I'm still nervous about that.

 

 

Aside from that, I went for a very short walk in the rain, which was quite refreshing but I was careful not to stay out there for too long, and did some push-ups and squats. It might be a stretch to call the latter thing a workout, but it was all I was capable of doing after I'd done my mobility. How I'm going to cope with an eleven hour shift tomorrow I don't quite know... But I did also cook myself a proper meal with actual vegetables and ate the whole thing. And it seems to have settled nicely, only minimal grumbling but that's no surprise after the minimal diet my poor stomach has had to deal with.

 

My plan for tonight is to do some reading, fiction only, I think I'm done with informative reading today, and get an early night as I'm up at 4am tomorrow.

 

[Mistr]

You have done a lot of challenging work. Doing a few exercises, some cooking and some reading is an excellent transition back to normal life after being sick. Of course you want to do more, that's normal. Give yourself credit for just being mobile again after having been flat on your back for days.

 

Spoiler

Yay for finding resources near you!

 

Finding sympathetic and experienced health professionals is a challenge here. I'm sorry to learn that it is the same in Scotland. Elf's previous primary care physician was very conservative in putting them on hormones. Elf was the first trans person she had ever worked with.   It took quite a lot of looking and talking with local trans friends to find a physician who is actually good with trans people.

 

I understand your caution about being excited. Just because the providers are LGBTQ friendly, does not mean they all will be a good fit for you. That said, you are on a good path to a happier life. One nice easy step to print the form, then another easy step to fill it out and send it off. You've got this.

 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Spoiler

Wohoo Resources! I hope printing that form is easier than you expect.

 

[obax]

Glad to hear you're feeling better, hopefully your 11 hr shift doesn't take too much out of you.

 

14 hours ago, iatetheyeti said:

...and the sound of yellow is actually kind of disturbing. It starts off quite nice, then the more it draws out the more it gives off the feeling of BEWARE.

 

Which is exactly like the colour, which is warm and light and bright, but also the colour of warning and caution and danger. I'd be curious to hear something like that not knowing what colour it's supposed to represent, and see if I could pick it out.

 

Spoiler

It's understandable to be anxious about contacting that organization, it's a New Thing, and New Things are scary enough by themselves, but the depth of the things you're working through make it so much more. Breaking it down into small steps is a great way to make it less overwhelming, and I know you've got it in you to tell your anxiety to shove it and do what you need to do, one step at a time. And, in case there's any doubt, you do deserve this. Everyone deserves the chance to find, embrace, and celebrate their true selves, no matter what that might be and what others might say, and I truly hope you find what you need there.

 

[darkfoxx]

📣 You’ve got this! 20 seconds of courage! 📣

[iatetheyeti]

20 hours ago, Mistr said:

You have done a lot of challenging work. Doing a few exercises, some cooking and some reading is an excellent transition back to normal life after being sick. Of course you want to do more, that's normal. Give yourself credit for just being mobile again after having been flat on your back for days.

 

You're right, and honestly, at this point if I could have had a couple more of those days before I had to deal with today, then so much the better...

 

20 hours ago, Mistr said:

 

  Reveal hidden contents

Yay for finding resources near you!

 

Finding sympathetic and experienced health professionals is a challenge here. I'm sorry to learn that it is the same in Scotland. Elf's previous primary care physician was very conservative in putting them on hormones. Elf was the first trans person she had ever worked with.   It took quite a lot of looking and talking with local trans friends to find a physician who is actually good with trans people.

 

I understand your caution about being excited. Just because the providers are LGBTQ friendly, does not mean they all will be a good fit for you. That said, you are on a good path to a happier life. One nice easy step to print the form, then another easy step to fill it out and send it off. You've got this.

 

 

I can count on one hand the amount of doctors that have listened to me and treated me as a person (and I do not have enough fingers and toes to count the medical professionals I've seen over the years), and even then that was about run-of-the-mill kind of stuff. The sad fact is that it's the norm to be ignored or dismissed or otherwise when it should be the opposite of that entirely. All I can do is try and hope that this one will be different.

 

 

19 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

  Reveal hidden contents

Wohoo Resources! I hope printing that form is easier than you expect.

 

 

Well, I'm far enough along to know I need new printer ink, so that's something!

 

 

17 hours ago, obax said:

 

  Reveal hidden contents

It's understandable to be anxious about contacting that organization, it's a New Thing, and New Things are scary enough by themselves, but the depth of the things you're working through make it so much more. Breaking it down into small steps is a great way to make it less overwhelming, and I know you've got it in you to tell your anxiety to shove it and do what you need to do, one step at a time. And, in case there's any doubt, you do deserve this. Everyone deserves the chance to find, embrace, and celebrate their true selves, no matter what that might be and what others might say, and I truly hope you find what you need there.

 

 

Thanks  And you're right, there's a lot of New Thing feelings surrounding this, but I'm not going to get anywhere if I let it overwhelm me, so I'll stick to my little steps and get there like that.

 

 

2 hours ago, darkfoxx said:

📣 You’ve got this! 20 seconds of courage! 📣

 

That is exactly what it will come down to in the end, I think, for every step along the way.

 

[iatetheyeti]

Day??? Week???

I was not ready. Nor am I ready for a repeat performance tomorrow. Nor am I ready for the fact that I've managed to return to work during an incredibly high volume work week. But if I were to look at this in a more positive light, I only have to get through tomorrow's nightmare before it eases up. The day after I do have a closing shift on, therefore I'm only on open/mid rather than open/mid/close, and I get to leave earlier. Also, I managed to keep down my breakfast (toast) and my lunch (more toast, this time with chicken), and though it was woefully inadequate sustenance for what I was doing, it's more than I've eaten in days. Towards lunchtime I was even beginning to feel hungry, which is a massive improvement.

 

The downside is that I hurt a lot. The mystery leg pain has come back quite severely, the weather is causing an arthritis flare, and I had a headache because I couldn't manage to finish my morning cup of coffee (which was how I knew I was still not fit for work!) and am currently decaffeinated.

 

Also had to fight a spider on arriving home. 'tis not the season for overly large home invaders, and yet I'm getting them anyway.

 

There is nothing goal related being done today outside of meditation (and hydration, which I hit easily). I'm going to attempt to have a snack then go straight to bed to try and rest as much as possible before tomorrow. I'm going to put down a tentative goal of catching up with folks by Thursday/Friday and do my best to stick to it. Everything else will fall into place as I continue on.

 

[iatetheyeti]

Day Three Week One

Still not ready, still hurting. Very nearly skipped updating today because I didn't feel like I had anything to say. But then remembered one of my more important goals is to make sure I update in exactly these conditions to ward off that pesky isolation instinct. Reason being that while I often do have something to say, I rarely ever believe I have something worthwhile to say, and therefore no one wants to hear it. Whether or not that's true shouldn't matter here. This is my thread and if I can only burble about miscellany and call it an update then that is exactly what I should do, guilt free.

 

Luckily this is a feeling that usually surfaces the more tired I get, and therefore gets better when liberal amounts of sleep are applied. I can't say I'll be able to get a liberal amount of sleep tonight given that I'm up at 4am again tomorrow, but I will at least get some sleep, and therefore be able to reset the cycle until tomorrow night's pity party.

 

On the more positive side, I feel a little less like roadkill, food is staying down where it's supposed to, the coughing is fading away, and I did not have a giant spider waiting to fight me when I got in this evening. 

[Mistr]

Getting healthier is Progress. Your job makes that harder, but you are strong and are making good choices for yourself.

 

I think it is helpful to write in your thread on the tough days as well as the good ones. When you read through it later you can see a full picture of how you were doing. Sometimes you can see bigger trends that weren't apparent to you at the time.

 

Hang in there and get as much rest as you can.

[obax]

Here's hoping the 'feeling less like roadkill' trend continues. I can't imagine getting up at 4am, that's just nuts to me. I know you have a long commute, and that you gotta do what you gotta do, but it's still nuts.

 

Out of curiosity, when you do battle with spiders, do you catch and release, or do you smash into oblivion with the nearest blunt object?

[iatetheyeti]

21 hours ago, Mistr said:

Getting healthier is Progress. Your job makes that harder, but you are strong and are making good choices for yourself.

 

I think it is helpful to write in your thread on the tough days as well as the good ones. When you read through it later you can see a full picture of how you were doing. Sometimes you can see bigger trends that weren't apparent to you at the time.

 

Hang in there and get as much rest as you can.

 

I try to think of having a challenge thread being like having a multi-purpose tool, that it's good for all sorts of things so long as I actually use it. Bigger picture stuff is definitely one of those uses.

 

 

16 hours ago, obax said:

Here's hoping the 'feeling less like roadkill' trend continues. I can't imagine getting up at 4am, that's just nuts to me. I know you have a long commute, and that you gotta do what you gotta do, but it's still nuts.

 

Out of curiosity, when you do battle with spiders, do you catch and release, or do you smash into oblivion with the nearest blunt object?

 

Oh it's absolutely nuts, I fully agree! And it'd only be a fifteen minute trip each way if I had a car (and a valid license, I guess, since mine expired at the start of the year...).

 

Always oblivion with the spiders by whatever means I have on hand at the time. Apparently they're very territorial wee beasties, and just the thought of them coming back to reclaim their territory after I evict them gives me very bad feelings.

 

[iatetheyeti]

Day Something Week One

Might have made a slight miscalculation on my schedule this week. Turns out there are seven days in a week, not six, and Friday is in fact one of them. Here's me thinking I had a back shift and then a day off, but it turns out that before I get to that I've got another full day open to get through. Another 4am start tomorrow, what fun!

 

That said, it's not been quite so awful recently. I think it's because I've been ill, but I've been sleeping far more soundly than I'm used to. I go to bed, I conk about within an hour, and I stay unconscious until the alarm goes off. And then I get very confused. Today I managed to hit myself in the face, mostly because I'd slept with one arm above my head, which meant it was a dead, dead arm and far beyond my control.

 

Slow day at work, but that didn't stop the mystery leg pain. On and off all day, consistent for the last couple of hours and the bus journey home. I really don't like that this is happening again, but the upside was that it was noticeably less today than it was yesterday. So maybe we're coming to the end of this cycle. I hope.

 

Not much else to say. Going to go to bed very soon and try to keep up this streak of good sleep. It's definitely helping things health-wise, anyway.

 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

2 hours ago, iatetheyeti said:

Always oblivion with the spiders by whatever means I have on hand at the time. Apparently they're very territorial wee beasties, and just the thought of them coming back to reclaim their territory after I evict them gives me very bad feelings.

 

[Mistr]

Yay for getting better sleep!

 

1 hour ago, iatetheyeti said:

Slow day at work, but that didn't stop the mystery leg pain. On and off all day, consistent for the last couple of hours and the bus journey home. I really don't like that this is happening again, but the upside was that it was noticeably less today than it was yesterday. So maybe we're coming to the end of this cycle. I hope.

 

Those mystery pains are soooooo frustrating. Once I've verified that I am not actually injured, I tell myself that it is my brain running tests of the Emergency Notification System. Had this been an actual injury, those nerves would be activated to let me know about it.

 

I usually get them while lying in bed trying to fall asleep. No legs, you do not need to activate any of the muscles now. They can all relax. Relax, I said. I almost prefer the real knee pain because that will respond to Tiger Balm and ibuprofen. I don't think that anti-inflammatory drugs will do anything for overactive nerves. I hope yours continue to calm down.

[iatetheyeti]

On 1/9/2020 at 8:05 PM, Mistr said:

Those mystery pains are soooooo frustrating. Once I've verified that I am not actually injured, I tell myself that it is my brain running tests of the Emergency Notification System. Had this been an actual injury, those nerves would be activated to let me know about it.

 

I usually get them while lying in bed trying to fall asleep. No legs, you do not need to activate any of the muscles now. They can all relax. Relax, I said. I almost prefer the real knee pain because that will respond to Tiger Balm and ibuprofen. I don't think that anti-inflammatory drugs will do anything for overactive nerves. I hope yours continue to calm down.

 

I definitely prefer my knee pains to the mystery pain. It's... difficult to describe, almost like an aura of pain hovers around one part of my leg rather than radiating from any specific point within it. Movement helps most of the time, but not always. I have no idea, I really don't.

 

[iatetheyeti]

Week One End

Things kind of fell apart a little towards the end of this week, though I'm not entirely surprised. I was never recovered enough to be back at work to begin with, let alone for a week with such a heavy workload. No wonder I've been sleeping like a log... But on the plus side my appetite came back with a vengeance yesterday, so much so I very nearly ate the work canteen out of food. I'm hoping that between eating properly again and still sleeping heavily that maybe I'll be able to properly recover. I mean, I'm mostly ok now, but I'm still struggling to get over the last little lingering bits of illness. Doesn't really help that a lot of people at work are still ill or are getting hit with the bug now, so I'm still being constantly exposed to it all.

 

Needless to say this week did not go how I thought it might at the beginning, and I have not met any of my goals as of just now. I'm working on forgiving myself for that. I know it wasn't my fault, I know being ill is just something that happens and I made the best decisions I could under the circumstances.

 

But I did do one thing, and it's that that's got me in such a weird mood. I finally completed my zero week tasks of taking pictures and measurements, and I didn't like it at all. The sheer amount of disgust and shame I felt, and still feel, about how my body looks and performs, or rather doesn't perform... It isn't a healthy mindset at all. It isn't something that feels good at all. I don't want to be feeling that way at all, and I don't want that as my motivation to get healthier and fitter. That's a poisonous kind of motivation that I know will lead me to create habits worse than the ones I have now. Obviously changing my mindset about this is going to be difficult, and I've got no idea how to go about it. But at least it's out in the open and not just festering away beneath the surface.

 

Right now I think the best thing I can do is try to adhere to my goals as best I can. It'll definitely be easier now that I don't resemble the walking dead.

 

[darkfoxx]

Be kind to yourself - pictures and measurements are one thing, and they’re a great tool to use down the line - they are only a tool; not your value or your worth - they have zero things to do with that.

 

Which in the lizard brain level can be so hard to hang onto. 
 

you’ve got this! 

[iatetheyeti]

7 hours ago, darkfoxx said:

Be kind to yourself - pictures and measurements are one thing, and they’re a great tool to use down the line - they are only a tool; not your value or your worth - they have zero things to do with that.

 

Which in the lizard brain level can be so hard to hang onto. 
 

you’ve got this! 

 

Thank you

 

Logically I know you're right, but it really is a difficult thing to actually allow myself to fully believe. I am working on it, and I hope that in time I'll be able to see things objectively.