iatetheyeti: from the ashes

[iatetheyeti]

Day One Week Two

Today was one of those days fuelled mostly by spite. Whether it was spite against myself or spite against work or spite against anything else didn't matter. It fuelled me. I had a very bad night last night, enough so that on waking this morning my thoughts were in a very dark place and I was leaning into them rather than trying to fight against them. And then work turned into a whole entire shitshow and that just pissed me off. I worked far harder than I needed to or indeed should have done, considering the circumstances, all for the sake of a nonverbal 'up yours' to the Overlord, who I have come to realise I actually hate. Now, I dislike a fair number of people, but actual hatred? That's a rarity for me. This guy ticks all the wrong boxes to the extent that I struggle to keep my professional mask up.

 

But the less I focus on him the better.

 

Today I actually got off of my ass and did a proper workout for the first time this year. That too was fuelled by spite, but spite saw me through. Thankfully my spite against myself does have some limits, and I picked the NF beginner bodyweight workout rather than something stupid punishing. Even so, I coughed and spluttered and sweated my way through all three rounds of that and finished up with an extended corpse pose because I was a little jelly-legged.

 

Goals-wise today, that puts me in a somewhat decent place for the first time this challenge.

 

food - I'm reasonably confident I've hit and passed the 2000 calorie mark despite not tracking, and I've definitely hit the 2L mark

fitness - I did my fifteen minutes of mobility as a warm-up to my workout. Did plan to do some yoga after, but was not capable. This time.

wellbeing - Lagging here a little. No meditation this morning because mediation at 4am will put me back to sleep. No positive affirmations, the opposite happened instead. Have not done anything creative today and probably won't because I'll be heading to bed shortly in preparation for another 4am start tomorrow. And I don't think washing three dishes counts as hitting my household goals. But I guess at least I'm talking?

 

I'm tired. Not just physically, mentally. I hate this constant cycle of being reasonable level, then dipping down into dangerous waters, and then being reasonable level again. I kind of think being so exhausted in the actual physical sense all the time doesn't help this, but there's not much I can do about that that'll work quickly. As for the rest, well, that's basically why I'm self-referring to a professional, because I'm out of ideas. Speaking of which, I do need to remember to pick up new printer ink to actually print out the form tomorrow.

 

[Mistr]

Good for you on turning your negative emotions into positive action. Give yourself credit for eating well and doing a workout. Those are steps toward your goals.

 

I think you have the right idea about getting professional help. You are dealing with a difficult work situation before throwing in your personal history and current emotional state. That's a lot to deal with. There is a reason that people go to experts when they need to deal with challenging situations.

[Tobbe]

18 hours ago, darkfoxx said:

Be kind to yourself - pictures and measurements are one thing, and they’re a great tool to use down the line - they are only a tool; not your value or your worth - they have zero things to do with that.

 

❤️ This, so much this!

 

18 hours ago, darkfoxx said:

not your value or your worth - they have zero things to do with that.

 

QFT (again)

[iatetheyeti]

18 hours ago, Mistr said:

Good for you on turning your negative emotions into positive action. Give yourself credit for eating well and doing a workout. Those are steps toward your goals.

 

I think you have the right idea about getting professional help. You are dealing with a difficult work situation before throwing in your personal history and current emotional state. That's a lot to deal with. There is a reason that people go to experts when they need to deal with challenging situations.

 

I'm giving myself a little credit. I might not like my motivations for doing it, but in reality I could have channelled that spite into something far worse. So angry workouts? Yeah, definitely a step in the right direction.

 

You know, it didn't occur to me before that my work situation would be something I could bring up in that sort of situation. Probably a result of my past experiences and set expectations. But you are right, the work situation is far from ideal and increasingly a problem, so it would merit some talking through with someone who could help me figure out what to do about it.

 

[iatetheyeti]

Day Two Week Two

I've come to accept that I am probably not ever going be able to figure out time properly. Today has been Monday, Friday, Sunday, and February... It doesn't confuse me until I'm forced to think about it, usually when I say something like that out loud and the person I'm speaking to me the look. That 'what in all of the hells are you on about?' look that instantly lets me know I've messed up.

 

But so long as I manage to be where I should be, when I should, surely that's what matters?

 

Also, DOMS. Thought I was getting off easy when I woke up with only a minor ache in my thighs. And throughout the day it got worse. And worse. I think I hit peak DOMS, if such a thing exists, on the bus home. Getting up and hobbling off was an experience. Haven't felt that in a while, but it's not so bad. It isn't pain, not really, and it's a nice reminder that I did something and that something worked. And that I do indeed have some muscles left.

 

food - Pretty sure I've hit the 2000 calorie mark again, but also pretty sure that wasn't enough today given how my body has been behaving. Some of it is no doubt down to what I'm eating as opposed to how much, but luckily for me I've got the next three days off to sort that out and actually get back to proper meal prep. Have not hit the 2L mark and have not actually had any water today. Plenty of coffee though...

fitness - Overly tight legs have put an end to my yoga plans. Instead I subbed in some limited mobility and a liberal dose of foam rolling. I'm not entirely surprised and I know tomorrow that I'll have to keep myself very mobile to counteract this.

wellbeing - Not exactly doing too great with this. I think most of it is down to a combination of work stress, tiredness, and the unpleasant mindset I've been mired in for a while now. Again, something to figure out properly over the next three days. I have time to breathe, time to figure out the root of this, and time to put together something to help me rise above it.

 

My plans for the next three days are nothing fancy and mostly involve housework and catching up around here, finally. I'm looking at possibly Friday for my meal prep day as not only does it give me a couple of days to get the flat tidy and everything ready, but it's also payday and I'll be able to be a little more flexible in what I get. I do have a rough plan already, one that I hope to finalise tomorrow. And at some point over the next three days I do need to get out for my weekly walk, otherwise I just won't leave the flat and probably won't speak to another person.

 

But first I sleep, and the joy I take in knowing I don't have to set a 4am alarm for tomorrow is profound.

 

[Tobbe]

8 hours ago, iatetheyeti said:

the joy I take in knowing I don't have to set a 4am alarm for tomorrow is profound.

 

I found this remark pretty funny  but then I thought it was pretty sad that this used to be your reality  

[obax]

Sounds like you're doing your best during some challenging times. I'm glad to see you're giving yourself credit where credit's due. As you've said, it'd be easy to just give up when you've got as much stuff going on, and, as frustrating as it is to feel like you're stuck treading water, always remember, you haven't given up. You never have, and that, my friend, is your super power.

 

Enjoy your non-4am morning! Also, did you get your printer ink??

[iatetheyeti]

7 hours ago, Tobbe said:

 

I found this remark pretty funny  but then I thought it was pretty sad that this used to be your reality  

 

It's absolutely fine to laugh. I've had far worse realities than this one, trust me!

 

 

6 hours ago, obax said:

Sounds like you're doing your best during some challenging times. I'm glad to see you're giving yourself credit where credit's due. As you've said, it'd be easy to just give up when you've got as much stuff going on, and, as frustrating as it is to feel like you're stuck treading water, always remember, you haven't given up. You never have, and that, my friend, is your super power.

 

Enjoy your non-4am morning! Also, did you get your printer ink??

 

Reluctant credit. It's surprisingly difficult to admit I did a good thing for myself in spite of negative circumstances. And... I've given up a fair few times, though that's something I usually keep shut away and locked up due to the particular details of said giving up, and afterwards, when giving up didn't work, I pick up where I left off and keep shuffling onward purely because I've never known what else to do. It's a process, and one I don't fully understand at that.

 

I did not get the printer ink because I'm a forgetful wee shite, but I have just written it down on my shopping list, so thanks for the reminder!

 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

2 hours ago, iatetheyeti said:

and afterwards, when giving up didn't work, I pick up where I left off and keep shuffling onward purely because I've never known what else to do.

That counts as not giving up. 

[iatetheyeti]

Day Three Week Two

Not entirely sure where today has gone. I woke up just after 4am out of sheer habit, went back to sleep, and got up shortly after 10am. That in itself is a fairly major thing for me as the majority of my days off see me just lying in bed thinking that yeah, I should get up, but really, why? I even got some housework done, though not as much as I'd have liked. My mood is stuck in an odd kind of place and my mind is unsettled, I think would be the best way to describe it. Kind of like waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I don't know when or how the first one did. More mystery anxiety, and I'm back to square one trying to figure this latest development out. Fun.

 

food - Probably haven't hit my target as of yet, but at the very least I have eaten something. Cooked too. And I think I've more than likely surpassed 2L of liquid, most of it being coffee or decaf.

fitness - More foam rolling. Thighs are still hellishly seized and I am not enjoying it at all. It's frustrating, but I've got no one to blame but myself for letting my fitness deteriorate to such a low level that this was the result. I think that counts as motivation to not let it slip so badly again.

wellbeing - I don't even know. I'm trying to push myself into continuing to look after myself, but I'm divided about it. One part of me is so sick of my own shit and wondering why I even bother if this is going to be the result. The other part is maintaining that I absolutely have to keep looking after myself because there is no other option. No one else will. In some ways I already knew that, but it was really drilled in when I was going through the worst of my illness right at the start of the year. I desperately needed help then, but I had no one to ask. One of the many troubles with burning every bridge is that you've got to figure things out for yourself in these situations (and unfortunately it leads to dodgy decisions like going to the shops for essentials when you can barely walk). I have to be my own support system no matter what, and that's incredibly difficult, especially when I'm not fully on board with the idea. All I can do at the moment is continue to make these checklists of things that I should be doing and try to actually do it.

 

...apparently positivity is a little out of my reach today. Something else to work on. On the plus side, though I don't know how I've spent most of today (most likely with my nose buried in a book for far, far longer than I realised), I have taken the time to plan what I'll be doing for my Friday meal prep, including writing a shopping list for tomorrow. I have also made a small amount of headway into clearing up the mess in the kitchen. And I also put a whole load of clean clothes in the wardrobe where they belong and not on the end of my bed, where they don't belong. Did attempt a catch up around here too, and got overwhelmed fast. Apparently my social mana still needs a little recharging, but that's ok, now I've started the process will be easier.

 

Not going to plan anything for tomorrow beyond food shopping and making the trip into town to top up my gas meter. Preferably in the morning so I can be outside in what limited sunlight we're getting right now. If the wind has calmed down I might go for a longer walk. If it's still stupid windy then a short one will suffice.

 

[Mistr]

6 minutes ago, iatetheyeti said:

wellbeing - I don't even know. I'm trying to push myself into continuing to look after myself, but I'm divided about it. One part of me is so sick of my own shit and wondering why I even bother if this is going to be the result. The other part is maintaining that I absolutely have to keep looking after myself because there is no other option. No one else will. In some ways I already knew that, but it was really drilled in when I was going through the worst of my illness right at the start of the year. I desperately needed help then, but I had no one to ask. One of the many troubles with burning every bridge is that you've got to figure things out for yourself in these situations (and unfortunately it leads to dodgy decisions like going to the shops for essentials when you can barely walk). I have to be my own support system no matter what, and that's incredibly difficult, especially when I'm not fully on board with the idea. All I can do at the moment is continue to make these checklists of things that I should be doing and try to actually do it.

 

Would it help to think about some tasks as not being for you today, but instead as being for a different person who needs your help?

 

Think of yeti-next-week as a lovely person who incorporates many good qualities, but has a demanding job and would really appreciate those little things that make life easier. Things like having extra easy-to-fix food in the cupboard, and having the extra towels folded just the way you like them. You today may not be worth the bother, but yeti-next-week is a different person who you like and want to help.

 

6 minutes ago, iatetheyeti said:

...apparently positivity is a little out of my reach today. Something else to work on. On the plus side, though I don't know how I've spent most of today (most likely with my nose buried in a book for far, far longer than I realised), I have taken the time to plan what I'll be doing for my Friday meal prep, including writing a shopping list for tomorrow. I have also made a small amount of headway into clearing up the mess in the kitchen. And I also put a whole load of clean clothes in the wardrobe where they belong and not on the end of my bed, where they don't belong. Did attempt a catch up around here too, and got overwhelmed fast. Apparently my social mana still needs a little recharging, but that's ok, now I've started the process will be easier.

 

For a low key day, you got a lot done. Catching up on sleep is an important first step since you are still recovering from being sick. Real food, laundry, cleaning - all things that make your life better. Also give yourself credit for taking the mental recharge time reading or playing games. You use a lot of mental energy dealing with people at work, that needs to be replenished too.

[iatetheyeti]

38 minutes ago, Mistr said:

Would it help to think about some tasks as not being for you today, but instead as being for a different person who needs your help?

 

Think of yeti-next-week as a lovely person who incorporates many good qualities, but has a demanding job and would really appreciate those little things that make life easier. Things like having extra easy-to-fix food in the cupboard, and having the extra towels folded just the way you like them. You today may not be worth the bother, but yeti-next-week is a different person who you like and want to help.

 

It definitely can't hurt to try that, and it might well make things easier as I'm far more likely to help another person over myself. And given what my work schedule looks like for next week, I do know yeti-next-week is without doubt going to be tired and stressed and definitely need the help, and they for sure would appreciate things like that being done ahead of time. So, yes, I think if I tried thinking of it as for them instead of for me now, it might well work out better.

 

 

42 minutes ago, Mistr said:

For a low key day, you got a lot done. Catching up on sleep is an important first step since you are still recovering from being sick. Real food, laundry, cleaning - all things that make your life better. Also give yourself credit for taking the mental recharge time reading or playing games. You use a lot of mental energy dealing with people at work, that needs to be replenished too.

 

Thank you for saying so. I think I might be focusing on what still needs to be done, which is a lot, over what I've achieved. And it's difficult for me to tell myself that I've achieved anything most of the time. But you're right. I did get a good amount done, and I definitely do need to mentally recharge.

 

[Mistr]

7 minutes ago, iatetheyeti said:

I think I might be focusing on what still needs to be done, which is a lot, over what I've achieved. And it's difficult for me to tell myself that I've achieved anything most of the time. But you're right. I did get a good amount done, and I definitely do need to mentally recharge.

 

I do the same thing. My to-do list is long and never seems to get any shorter. I have some old tapes that say I should get my work done before I relax and do fun things. Those are destructive because listening to them means I rarely feel satisfied with what I've done. In my last several challenges I've set goals of doing creative and social things. And you know what, I'm still cooking and doing dishes and no one has commented that the house is more a mess than usual. Intellectually I know that self-care time is important. Telling my brain weasels that is another matter entirely.

[sarakingdom]

5 minutes ago, Mistr said:

My to-do list is long and never seems to get any shorter. I have some old tapes that say I should get my work done before I relax and do fun things. Those are destructive because listening to them means I rarely feel satisfied with what I've done.

 

I have those tapes, too. They really suck. Making my brain believe what I know about the value of rest is hard, and getting a sensible balance is harder.

[iatetheyeti]

18 minutes ago, Mistr said:

I do the same thing. My to-do list is long and never seems to get any shorter. I have some old tapes that say I should get my work done before I relax and do fun things. Those are destructive because listening to them means I rarely feel satisfied with what I've done. In my last several challenges I've set goals of doing creative and social things. And you know what, I'm still cooking and doing dishes and no one has commented that the house is more a mess than usual. Intellectually I know that self-care time is important. Telling my brain weasels that is another matter entirely.

 

Pretty sure I've got some similar tapes saying things like that. Everything always feels unfinished and not enough and it gets incredibly frustrating, to say the least. 

 

 

11 minutes ago, sarakingdom said:

 

I have those tapes, too. They really suck. Making my brain believe what I know about the value of rest is hard, and getting a sensible balance is harder.

 

Couldn't have put it better myself.

 

 

[obax]

13 hours ago, iatetheyeti said:

 

And... I've given up a fair few times, though that's something I usually keep shut away and locked up due to the particular details of said giving up, and afterwards, when giving up didn't work, I pick up where I left off and keep shuffling onward purely because I've never known what else to do. It's a process, and one I don't fully understand at that.

 

 

That's the definition of not giving up. It doesn't mean you never stop, or even maybe go backwards sometimes, but it does mean you eventually get back up, dust yourself off, and continue on. That's maybe a simplistic way of putting it, life is much more complex than that, but that's the essence of it.

[iatetheyeti]

Day Four Week Two

Late start today. I decided last night that I would wake up at 8am today, then promptly forgot to set an alarm. Did wake up at 8am though, then decided to sleep a longer and suddenly it was 11am. But I did get stuff done. I was determined to do it and I did. Not everything, but enough that I have been able to feel some sense of satisfaction. It's a small improvement, and I'm trying very hard to ignore that lingering anxiety in the back of my mind.

 

food - I have no idea if I've hit either target today. I do actually need to pull my head out of my ass and start tracking properly.

fitness - Still fairly DOMSy today, but now only in very specific places. I did some yoga before I went out, and that went relatively well. And then I did the NF BBWW again this evening. After one round I had to take the lunges out because that was getting painful in those specific DOMSy places, but everything else went fairly well. Still pausing a lot, but coughing a lot less. Mobility was done as a warm up and a little extra stretching done as a cool down. Also had a short walk, which was more like a short, wobbly waddle due to seized legs and high winds.

wellbeing - Keeping myself busy has worked to a certain extent, but I've not really been keeping to this list. If anything I've been avoiding it. I'm worried about where meditation may lead in my current state of mind and I can't settle myself enough to focus on doing anything else. So I've been turning to other things.

 

Not such a bad day, and I think I'm reasonably well prepared for meal prep day tomorrow. The most important part is going to be getting myself out of bed on time. 8am sharp. I need all the time I can get.

 

[iatetheyeti]

Day Five Week Two

Predictably enough, I failed at getting out of bed on time. Another rough night, this time with broken sleep and unpleasant dreams. But despite the late start, I again pushed through and did what I intended to do. More so than I intended, as it happens, which has balanced out the disappointment at not getting up with my alarm and left me feeling vaguely good about the day.

 

food - Meal prep day was a success. Keeping things extremely simple worked well. Used a simple meat/rice/veg base and ended up with three different variations, all of which are properly portioned. The prep I was doing before, while good in the sense that it was healthy food, was with portions that were far too small. On the other hand, actual eating today was not such a success. Back to fighting the low mood = no appetite thing again.

fitness - Not much done other than mobility. I have been on my feet for most of the time I've been awake as I've been either cooking or cleaning.

wellbeing - Started off in a low mood, but it's picked up some since I gave my living/kitchen space a proper and thorough tidy. Slowly working through my list.

 

I get the sense that I should feel disappointed in myself for not actually speaking to another person in the whole three days I've been off, but in all honesty I'm really not. Normally I need a fair amount of recharge time, and right now I need even more so. There have been people in the past that I've felt perfectly comfortable being around in silence, each of us doing our own thing, but I have no such luxury these days. The next best thing is to do what I've been doing, to keep to myself and try to be as social as I can manage on here. Admittedly that's not a great amount right now, but part of that is because I've been socially out of balance for a long time. Keeping at it means it'll improve, and maybe some day in the future, not only will I be able to do that, but I'll have days off where I willingly go out and actually talk to people face to face. I'd like that.

 

Back to work tomorrow, but it's a closing shift so no 4am start. I want to try (again) and get up earlier than I usually would to see if I can't get some yoga in before I leave.

 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

3 hours ago, iatetheyeti said:

I get the sense that I should feel disappointed in myself for not actually speaking to another person in the whole three days I've been off, but in all honesty I'm really not.

Nothing wrong with that, especially given all the crap you have to put up with at work.

[obax]

I'm with Tank, if that's what you need for recovery, then that's what you need. It absolutely can be a fine line between taking a break from people-ing because you need some alone time, and retreating in an unhealthy way, but it seems like you're finding a balance.

[iatetheyeti]

On 1/17/2020 at 11:06 PM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Nothing wrong with that, especially given all the crap you have to put up with at work.

 

15 hours ago, obax said:

I'm with Tank, if that's what you need for recovery, then that's what you need. It absolutely can be a fine line between taking a break from people-ing because you need some alone time, and retreating in an unhealthy way, but it seems like you're finding a balance.

 

Honestly, I'm not entirely sure I'm on the right side of the line, but I guess at least I'm aware it could become a bigger problem.

[iatetheyeti]

Week Two End

The urge to say it's been a crappy week is high, but realistically (in terms of goals anyway) it's actually been alright. It's incredibly difficult to keep my emotional state from colouring my whole outlook, but this is where writing things down (or typing them out, as is the case with this) comes in very handy. Yes, I did spend most of this week feeling down and upset and anxious for one reason or another, but I got stuff done. Except for that one really important task that I keep putting off because of fear. But apart from that. It doesn't feel like it, but I'm slowly pushing through.

 

food - Finally did my first meal prep of the year and it turned out quite well. It's been two days and I'm already feeling better. Also my digestive system is not protesting the sudden change of diet as strongly as it did last time, but I suppose I only really took a short break from it all to be deathly ill, so it hasn't had time to readjust to a crappy diet. At this point I have no real junk food in the flat, I didn't even make brownies this week because I knew full well I'd just eat the lot in one go, and while I'm still figuring out snack options, I am feeling far more optimistic about my diet than I was at the beginning of the week. I know this works. It was working for me wonderfully at the end of last year. It will work again.

fitness - Almost hit my weekly goals. Didn't quite get there with the yoga, but I did try, and I did manage to succeed with both my mobility and workout goals. It's still tricky with this considering my cough won't leave me alone just yet, but I figure so long as I don't do anything stupid I should be ok.

wellbeing - This is where I've fallen down. For many reasons. Admittedly things haven't been as bad as I feared they might get, and that's the one bit of hope I'm seizing and holding on tight to. I have my list. I know what to do. And honestly, even checking one or two things off of it every day is a success right now. It's still looking after myself, it's just prioritising where to put my limited energy. And that's ok. I do not need to feel guilty about that.

 

It's hard to admit, but I definitely directed my energy into the right things on Friday. Yesterday was unpleasant, and coming home to a nice, clean flat and a quick and nutritious meal was an unbelievable relief. Being around mess doesn't feel good, but I never realise how much it weighs on me until I do the tidying thing and feel that same surprised relief every time I come home. It's nice. And today I made it nicer by sprucing it up with some flowers. That makes me the first person to ever buy me flowers... But I keep smiling when I look at them and that's justification enough for me. Who knows, maybe someday I'll finish decorating and the whole place will make me smile. That is actually an unofficial kind of goal for this year. I have approximately zero other plans, so why not finish making this place feel like home? I've been here for three years, give or take, it's about time I did.

 

But that's a plan to make another day. I need food, and then I need to sleep, because tomorrow it's right back to those wonderful 4am starts.

 

[Jarric]

Well done on a really good week, you've had a lot of successes in there. And good work on setting yourself up for the weekend with a tidy house and easy food.

 

The flowers sound like a great idea, if it makes you feel happier in your home they can only be a good thing.

[obax]

Sounds like a pretty good week. I like how you're able to see the positives even if you can't quite feel them, it's important to acknowledge the successes. And yay for cheery flowers! It's amazing how something like that can brighten things up a bit.

 

Regarding the important task, what steps have you taken already and what's left? What's one small thing you can do to get yourself a bit closer to completing it? Can that be done by the end of the week, or do you need more time? None of that needs to be answered publicly if you don't want to, but when you have a moment of calm, give it some thought, no actions required. Sometimes just laying out a plan can be helpful.

[Mistr]

You did a lot last week as you were recovering from being sick. I'm glad that you are getting to enjoy the results of those efforts.

 

Yay for getting flowers for yourself! Having some color and freshness in the house is a lovely thing in the cold dark months. 🌻