Regaining my Self (and my tools)

[ShadowSilk]

The light glinted off the blades on the table, and ShadowSilk forced her attention away as she looked up at Loire.  "I am better than I was," she began slowly.  "But I cannot call myself assassin at the moment.  You, I can trust with these.  You know what they mean to me.  You know my heart, Mellon-nin.  You always have."

 

For this challenge, I will:

 

FITNESS GOALS

 

1.  Get back on track with MFP
2.  Walk at least 20 consecutive minutes four times a week
3.  Get and hook up a new DVD player so I can start using my friggin' DDPY DVDs again, at least 3 times a week
4.  Use my Total Gym at least three times a week

PERSONAL GOALS

 

1.  Finish the hat I'm knitting for my husband
2.  Order and read UnF*ck Your Life
3.  Reread, slowly, & possibly journal about or work through, one chapter a day of You Are A BadAss
4.  Meet my deadlines
5.  Keep journaling, do my Morning Pages, and my written affirmations

6.  Get out of the house to do something I like at least once a week
 

 

CURRENT ASSESSMENT

 

1.  234 lbs (Not horrible for me!  I was all the way up to 260 last year at this time!)
2.  Flexibility (What's that?) is horrible
3.  Strength is horrible
4.  I'll be 43 in three months

5.  Really going through a period of rediscovery and am enjoying it.

[shaar]

I am having the worst day, but this put the biggest grin on my face.

 

Will write back with more tonight! SO GOOD to see you. ❤️

[ShadowSilk]

Just now, loire said:

I am having the worst day, but this put the biggest grin on my face.

 

Will write back with more tonight! SO GOOD to see you. ❤️

 

 

Breathe in.
This is only one day.  It isn't forever.
Breathe out.
 

Breathe in.
You are a valued, beloved child of the stars and you are fantastic.

Breathe out.

 

Talk later -- I left a little something on your thread, too.

[ShadowSilk]

1/1/2020

 

Goals for today:

 

1.  Day job (1 hr 17 min. of audio 1 hr. 8 min of audio   1 hr of audio   48 39 29 15 min of audio)

2.  Walk 20 minutes

3.  Log MFP

4.  Reread & really let sink in the 1st ch. of You Are A BadAss

5.  Meditate

6.  Daily lines

7.  Morning Pages

8.  Journal

9.  Knit a couple of rows on The Scotsman's hat

 

So.  Here we go back to work.

[shaar]

Loire sits on the table itself; legs tucked beneath her in a comfortable cross, hands resting in a quiet fold in her lap. She's just... sitting, listening to the words of her wayward friend, and a small smile curves a generally impassive facade.  "I'm honored," she eventually replies, closing her eyes for a few moments, chin declining as she falls into what appears to be a quiet modicum of thought. "But I have something for you in return."

 

Her tone is soft, and holds a lilt of what might be perceived as subtle intrigue, and Loire's posture shifts just a bit as one hand delves beneath the folds of her cloak and her furs and retrieves what looks like a small wooden box.  It fits comfortably in the palm of her hand, and she regards it with a quiet sort of reverence, turning it over and over in her hands for a few moments, fingertip of one index finger tracing the edges.  It's hinged, as if it could be opened, and she moves to flip the lid but stops herself, fingers hovering in place...

 

"This is yours now."  She sits up straighter, lifting her gaze as she extends her hand, offering the box.  "... Voice will be pissed I gave it away, probably.  But I don't need it anymore.  It's time for you now." And she smiles, a little wider; confident.

 

Hello you've inspired me to gather every bit of writing I did for shaar/loire and cram it into one place - https://loire.carrd.co/ - I'm looking forward to continuing her story.  Thank you for the inspiration I needed. ❤️  

[ShadowSilk]

Curious, ever and always curious, ShadowSilk picked up the box -- and nearly dropped it as memories, Shaar/Loire's memories and guides, flooded her soul.  The bell-peal of a little girl's laughter, the wary suspicious glare of the two males, one full grown and one barely old enough to shave, the encounter with the three Adversaries.  Those, Shadow dared to lift a sneer at; didn't she have her own, then?  And when she spoke, her voice was low, words spit between nearly gritted teeth.

 

"Not as men do I experience the same, but climate and landscape.  You remember Mithrandir, long I fell and he fell with me, well, my own was the pits of despair.  I wandered them.  I wandered them too long, foul fen-bogs of misery.  The winter of discontent, the thrice damned steppe, no tree, no boulder, nothing to hide me away from the gales of never good enough.  It pierced me, that gale.  Froze my heart, yea, even the star-fire could barely beat against it.

 

"And yet.  Here we are, elequaa, Soul-Friend.  Here we are.  That which we struggle through, one of my teachers has said, sharpens us; like unto the riddle of steel, so we are.  And like it, we shall be reforged into better -- here the Blade that was Dulled, there the Light that Dimmed.  Note I say dimmed, not doused.  For your Light cannot go out completely, not unless you will it so."  Her smile returned then, slight but there.  "And that, I know, you will never do."

 

Ah. my stuff -- most of my stuff -- is in my computer.  And I've never really done anything with ShadowSilk.  Not for realsies.  But if you'd like a taste, I've a couple of fanfics up at AO3. 
 

https://archiveofourown.org/works/18255443

https://archiveofourown.org/works/13561443

 

I'm taking a break for 2020 from the REAL work, the original stuff, but if you'd like to have a look at any of it, PM me.

[ShadowSilk]

Goals for 1/2/2020

 

1.  Morning Pages, affirmations, journaling

2.  Meditation

3.  Work (1 hour 15 minutes 51  35 minutes of audio)

4.  Log MFP

5.  Total Gym -- abs and lower body

6.  Walk 20 minutes  (It's raining)

7.  Reread, slowly, Ch. 2 of You Are A BadAss

8.  Research reading -- The Outfit, by Gus Russo

 

 

Didn't QUITE get the knitting in yesterday -- I had just picked up the hat and done about half a row (at best) when my son called from college, and we talked for about an hour, and then it was bedtime for ShadowSilk.  And that's okay, that's more than okay, because first, my kids come before everything else, and second, tired knitting leads to missed stitches/mixed up stitches and then the pattern's wonky and you either have to decide to deal with it or you have to decide to frog or tink it back, and lemme tell y'all, I don't do either one well.  So the hat went back in its drawer and I went to bed.

 

The other thing that was difficult for me yesterday was meditation.  Both times I tried to settle and do it, first my dog decided he wanted out, he wanted out right then, Mommy, right then, and since our neighbor moved in behind us with their three dogs, I tend to go outside with him just in case somebody decides to get growly.  And then when I tried in the late afternoon, my husband got up and came to ask me what I was doing.  And that's okay, too.  I got it in after I got the work done.

 

Now it's 5:13 here and I have done my Morning Pages and journaling and meditation, and I'm looking at yesterday and going, "I really should have done better on my work, I spent half the day farting around the internet."  But yesterday WAS a holiday.  And I DID get the work DONE, and that's the important part, yes?

 

Today's audio will likely be a bit more challenging.  I have listened to part of it and it's not very well recorded, so it may well take me longer than it should.  Technically, with good audio, I can transcribe 2:1 -- meaning with if I focus and buckle down, with good audio, if nobody's an asshole and interrupting each other, I can transcribe half an hour of audio in an hour (for reference, the common ratio is 4:1).  But this audio is NOT good, the only person I could hear clearly the other day was the judge, so this may well be more challenging.  And that's okay too.

 

I'm saving my affirmations for when hubby gets home; he tends to take over my computer for anywhere from 30 minutes to two hours in the mornings, and I can write my affirmations in the living room.

 

 

ETA:  I laid down on the couch when The Scotsman got home and fell totally asleep -- and now it's past 10 a.m.  Not happy.

 

ETA AGAIN:  Damn it.  I did it again.  It's 8:04 p.m. and I just finished the dayjob for today and this should not have happened.  IT is really crappy audio, so crappy in fact that I turned around and did 25 minutes of a different file to catch it up so I could say I did the required number of minutes for today.  I have not done my Total Gym, nor any of my reading, and it's almost time to get The Scotsman ready for work and then after that is my normal bedtime.

 

Damn it.  I've got to get me some discipline, y'all.  Seriously.

[ShadowSilk]

Goals for 1/3/2020

 

1.  Morning Pages/affirmations/journaling

2.  Meditation

3.  Total Gym abs/lower body (for real because I did not do it on Thursday)  YAY ME

4.  Dayjob (19 minutes left)

5.  Log MFP

6.  Reread Ch. 3 of You Are A Badass

7.  Knitting on The Scotsman's hat

 

Hello, Friday, so good to see you.

And now I think I am going to go to a local used bookstore for my "something fun this week."

 

SadPandaFace -- didn't get to go to the bookstore.  The Scotsman got bit by something earlier this week on his finger and it's swollen, so I had to go to the drugstore instead to get epsom salts and drawing salve.  Maybe I will go next week sometime -- oh wait I'm overloaded next week w/dayjob (6 hours of audio on a player system I really don't like of a jurisdiction I really don't like but it's $2 a page.)

 

OH THERE ARE GOOD THINGS THO

 

I ordered UnF*ck Yourself, E Squared and Thank and Grow Rich by Pam Grout

I also ordered a really good pair of walking/hiking boots.  Boots will be here Monday.

I'm putting back $20 this week for a sweet pair of everyday kickaround asskicker boots as well as my reward for meeting my deadlines this week.

ETA:  Well this is fun, I woke up at 2 in the friggin' morning.  Well at least I can't use "I didn't have time" as an excuse.
Coffee now and the first 2 things on my list before I come back.

[shaar]

It's ok.  One day at a time.

 

It's like that old saying... Rome wasn't built in a day, yes?

 

I'll write back to you when I have more cognizant time.  Promise. ❤️ You're doing great just being here, and I'm so glad you are. 

[ShadowSilk]

29 minutes ago, loire said:

It's ok.  One day at a time.

 

It's like that old saying... Rome wasn't built in a day, yes?

 

I'll write back to you when I have more cognizant time.  Promise. ❤️ You're doing great just being here, and I'm so glad you are. 

 

I know that, it's just irritating.  And I can't help the rain, but I could have worked out on the Total Gym instead of lying down when hubby got home this morning. 

 

I just have to make better choices tomorrow.  ❤️  & thanks for the encouragement.

[Defining]

13 hours ago, ShadowSilk said:

I could have worked out on the Total Gym instead of lying down when hubby got home this morning.

Reframe: maybe you needed a bit of extra rest. And that's ok!

 

Self-blame & guilt are pretty powerful boss fights; and it's often a good idea to enlist the aid of a sidekick (be it friends from NF, or maybe a professional who you can talk to about it).

 

I've been working on trying to stop my own cycle of 'why didn't you do this, you know you can do this, it's stupid that you didn't do this' by reminding myself that blame isn't useful - in the sense that it's not going to motivate me to 'do the thing' in the future, so much as it's just beating myself up about it.

 

Thinking about when I'm training dogs - if they make a mistake with a new (or old!) task that I'm asking them for, I don't smack them in the face if they mess up. That's just punishment, and it doesn't help to build the behaviour I want to encourage (actually it damages the relationship and makes it harder to build the good behaviour!). Instead I break the cue/goal into smaller goals, or into steps where I can reward them for each inch of progress until we finally manage the action I wanted.

 

So, in many ways, I have started to treat myself as if I am my own dog (ok, weird brain logic, but it works for me most days ). Which is totally easier said than done, but I would definitely encourage you to explore different tools for yourself to try to break the self-blame cycle. Hugs!

[ShadowSilk]

Oh, that's a fantastic way of redefining my outlook, Defining, thanks!

[ShadowSilk]

Plan for 1/4/2020

 

1.  Morning Pages/affirmations/journaling

2.  Meditation

3   30 to 45 minutes of dayjob so I've got a head start on the 6 hours for next week  (Not necessary exactly but kinda) Yeah No

 

The items below have no real ranking

 

4.  If it's not friggin' RAINING, walk 20 minutes  Walked all around the flea market twice, and it's a big flea market

5.   Read/knit/whatever

6.  Goodwill clothes shopping?  Maybe.  (I haven't had a new pair of jeans since probably 2012/2013.  Am currently wearing a pair we bought (AT GOODWILL HA) for The Scotsman that he refuses to wear because he thinks they look like women's jeans which they are definitely not because of how they feel on me.)

Not today

7.  Reread slowly Ch. 4 of YAAB

8.  Might see if The Child wants to go to the flea market  (They do, so that's on the list fer sure)

[ShadowSilk]

Two more inches on The Scotsman's hat and I get to start the decreases!  YAY

 

But then the next project is a scarf or another hat for The Child.  BOO  But it's for their cosplay so it will make them happy.

[shaar]

You deserve jeans.

 

Go get the jeans.

 

Loire says so. ❤️ 

[ShadowSilk]

34 minutes ago, loire said:

You deserve jeans.

 

Go get the jeans.

 

Loire says so. ❤️ 

 

I bought toys instead.

Gomez, Morticia, Fester, Cousin It, the Batman TV Show Penguin and Riddler, and Demona came home with me today.

 

Jeans in a week or two.  Promise.

 

[ShadowSilk]

1/5/2020

 

Official first day of the first challenge of 2020.

 

So current stats as of yesterday morning:

 

Weight: 229 and change (Yay I'm already back under 230 or around there)

Flexibility: Crap
Endurance:  Crap
Strength:  Super crap

 

Those all three need to change.  See my Challenge thread for details.

 

So here we go.

 

Goals for today:

 

1.  Morning Pages/meditation/affirmations/journaling

2.  Grocery shopping

3.  Walking 20 minutes

4.  Check prices of DVD players at W/M while I'm there.  I probably won't buy one today, but I at least need to GET one by the end of Challenge.  I really wish Dally's app wasn't so expensive.

      (Seriously, Dallas, $30 a MONTH?  AFTER I've already dropped so much on the system?  I think not, bro.  I love you, and I believe in the system, but nopetopus.)

No longer necessary; see my actual Challenge thread for details

 

5.  Knit/Read/Something besides screwing around on the internet

6.  Log MFP & stick to MFP.  I think I went over a little yesterday.

7.  Slowly reread Ch. 5 of YAAB

 

 

[ShadowSilk]

1/6/2020

 

So I got up this morning late -- my alarm didn't go off because I turned it off last Friday and never turned it back on.  Okay, fine.  Up at 6 instead of 4.  Okay, fine.

Did my morning pages, was just getting started on my affirmations when The Scotsman came home.  "I gotta go to the doctor."  See, something happened to his right index finger on Wednesday or so of last week, and when he got to work on Sunday, he showed it to a colleague who said "Dude that looks like staph, you need to see a doctor."

 

"The Child and I are supposed to go shopping today.  We've been planning this for two weeks."  Was my immediate first reaction.  Not a good reaction, but it was my first reaction.  I planned this day very specifically; everybody should be back at work, which means the Mall (ugh) and its surrounding shops should be fairly deserted this morning.  I have money because I had a good payday last week. 

 

"Well, you can drop me at the doctor's."

 

"No, we can't do that; we're going SHOPPING shopping.  Clothes shopping.  We're going to be gone most of the day."  Heavy sigh.  "Go to the doctor, we'll either go when you get back or tomorrow."

 

SO.  I think he's done at the doctor's; they've already charged the bank for his co-pay, so I expect he's at Wal-Mart now waiting for prescriptions.  He left his phone here, of course, so I can't check.

 

I got The Child up and they are in the shower right now.  Here's hoping he's home before noon.

 

So because I'm taking the Child shopping, I don't really have any other things on my to-do list for today.  I do not care for clothes shopping.  Not my thing.  But The Child wants to wear clothes that are more along the lines of how they present (nonbinary) and we will likely be getting them a new haircut as well. 

 

1.  Morning Pages/affirmations/journaling/meditation  (I really need to meditate at some point today)

2.  Shopping with The Child, lots of walking around stores in the mall and the stores in the surrounding environs

3.  Not worrying about MFP because I already know The Child wants to go to lunch (and they want bubble tea, which I have heard of but never tried)

4.  Try like hell just to spend cash money & not touch the credit cards  HA NOPE

5.  Come home & collapse

 

Pray for me, y'all.

 

 

Oh.  Hiking boots came!  I've got them on now, have had them on since they came, so as to wear them in a bit. 

 

 

[ShadowSilk]

01/07/2020

 

Challenge 1, Day 3

 

Goals:

 

1.  Morning pages/meditation/affirmations/journal

2.  Total Gym upper body

3.  Walk 30 minutes

4.  Dayjob (total is 1 hour 30 minutes.  Totally doable)

5.  Log MFP

6.  Read Ch. 8 of YAAB

7.  Knit on The Scotsman's hat OR cast on for The Child's scarf

 

 

FML today is not going well

 

SCREW TODAY WITH A CHAINSAW

[ShadowSilk]

1/08/2020

 

Goals:

 

1.  Morning pages/meditation/affirmations/journal

2.  Total Gym upper body   (So I am completely weaker than I used to be and I will be feeling this for the next few days)

3.  DDP Yoga  I found my DDPY Disc 1, started Beginner Beginner, only did about 20 minutes of it but better 20 minutes than nothing, right?

4.  Dayjob (total, because yesterday was really super crappy, is 2 hours  16 min audio held over to tomorrow.)

5.  Log MFP

6.  Read Ch. 9 of YAAB

7.  Knit on the Scotsman's hat

 

 

[ShadowSilk]

1/09 2020

 

Goals:

 

1.  Morning pages/meditation/affirmations/journal

2.  DDP Yoga (try for 30 minutes rather than 20 -- the entire Beginner Beginner is 50+ minutes & I'm trying to figure out where I can find that time)

3.  Dayjob (Total: 2 hours 16 minutes held over from 1/08)

4.  Log MFP

5.  Read Ch. 11 of YAAB (read 9 & 10 on 1/8 -- 9 was only 3 pages)

6.  Knit something, dammit.

[ShadowSilk]

SO I am not going to rewrite the same stuff I just wrote in my Challenge thread, if you're interested, go read that. 

 

This week didn't go like I wanted it to, and that's okay.  I'm grading myself a C, and that's okay, too.

 

So next week will be better.  I found my DDPY disc, I think I've got a better plan, and I'm ready.  I'm really, really ready this time around.

 

So let's go.