The prodigal returns, or starsapart is a hot (mess) mama

[starsapart]

Let me tell you a story. Once upon a time and long ago, there was a little (only not so little) newbie rebel who didn't know much about anything at all, except that her life was a disaster and she wanted to reinvent herself. She threw herself into this project with singleminded determination, dropping 80 pounds over the course of a year and finding her wings at her local circus gym. The now not so little (and yet simultaneously much smaller) rebel was featured as a Nerd Fitness success story and even rose to the rank of Guild Leader of the Assassins. Slowly but surely, her life got busier and crazier and after a time, she found that she couldn't keep prioritizing the forums that had helped form her - and so she said thank you and good-bye, then went on to simply living her life, enjoying her aerial pursuits, eating (mostly) good food, and beating the odds as that person who managed to sustain a lifestyle change and major weight loss over the course of five years. She performed in many shows in her city's thriving circus scene and her life was pretty darn excellent by any measure.

 

Would you like to know what happened next?

 

 

And then............... chaos. 🤣

 

My daughter is nearly 10 months old now, which is fairly insane when I actually think about it. I'm doing aerial when I can, which is not as often as I should. I'm lifting once in a blue moon, though I have a power rack in my basement and no real excuse (except mama fatigue, let's be honest). I'm eating what's easy more often than what's good. I've put on about 10 pounds that I absolutely don't need and my aerial performance is definitely suffering for it. Recently, I've been trying to get myself back on track and remembered how valuable the solidarity and support that I once enjoyed on these forums was... so here I am. I'm not respawning and I'm not starting over, but I am... recalibrating.

 

Here are the facts:

• Fitness is no longer my number two priority after work, and it is not likely to be so high on my priority list again for a couple of decades.
• I don't have as much free time as I used to, and my schedule does not allow for five nights a week at the circus gym.
• I don't have as much energy as I used to, and some nights I just need to fall into bed at 9:00pm in order to be a functional mother, wife, and employee.
• I don't have as much money as I used to, so certain shortcuts (including meal kits, private aerial lessons, personal training, etc.) are off the table.

 

However! I am not here to whine about it (much). Big life changes mean adapting, and I haven't done terribly, all things considered. Still, I think that I can, and should, be doing better for myself, especially now that the little nugget is well out of the newborn stage and I am getting adequate sleep to function. So, here I am, hoping to find that spark of inspiration and support again.

 

Here are my January goals:

 

1.  Lift a minimum of 2 days a week (but aim for 3), ideally during baby's naps so I don't have to try to motivate myself to work out after she's in bed and I just want to zone out on the sofa.
2. Go to aerial (class or open gym) a minimum of 2 times a week, with allowances for a double class day instead if scheduling simply does not permit two trips to the circus gym in one seven-day span (using the rig at home counts for an open gym session, but seems unlikely due to the weather).
3. Get back to tracking EVERY. SINGLE. CALORIE. This worked for nearly 5 years. The last several months have proven that I absolutely need this level of accountability to myself.
4. Read 2 books that aren't meant for infants (audiobooks absolutely count) and actually use my Goodreads again.

 

Anything else (yoga with my wife, walks with the baby, actually decreasing the amount of chocolate I consume.....) is just a bonus for now. So... hey, assassins.

 

 

I've missed you. I hope it's okay after all this time for the prodigal to return home.

[Sloth the Enduring]

Welcome back and congratulations!

[starsapart]

Just now, Sloth the Enduring said:

Welcome back and congratulations!

 

Thank you! It's good to be back.

[Anim07734]

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Welcome home. New parent fatigue is REAL. I am very glad to follow this challenge.

[WhiteGhost]

On 1/1/2020 at 3:13 AM, starsapart said:

except mama fatigue, let's be honest

If we are really being honest, mama fatigue is totally a real excuse.  

 

Following along  

[starsapart]

On 12/31/2019 at 3:02 PM, Anim07734 said:

 

Thank you!!

 

On 12/31/2019 at 4:42 PM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Welcome home. New parent fatigue is REAL. I am very glad to follow this challenge.

 

Yeah, you know exactly what I'm talking about. 😂 Where is my youthful energy, etc. etc........

 

Your kiddo is super adorable, btw. I enjoy seeing pics of her on my FB feed. ❤️

 

14 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

If we are really being honest, mama fatigue is totally a real excuse.  

 

Following along  

 

It is, but I'm wondering when it expires. I can't always say "mama fatigue" for the next 17+ years....... can I??? 😅

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

1 hour ago, starsapart said:

Your kiddo is super adorable, btw. I enjoy seeing pics of her on my FB feed. ❤️

Same to you 💖

[sylph]

❤️

[miss_marissa]

Welcome back friend!!!! ❤️ the forums have missed you. I can't believe your little is 10 months already, she is just SOOOO CUTE.

[starsapart]

5 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Same to you 💖

 

Isn't it wild? I remember meeting you on here what feels like half a lifetime ago, and how we're both parents??? WHAT?????

 

3 hours ago, sylph said:

❤️

 

💖 💖 💖 💖 💖 💖 💖

 

Just now, miss_marissa said:

Welcome back friend!!!! ❤️ the forums have missed you. I can't believe your little is 10 months already, she is just SOOOO CUTE.

 

THANK YOU! It's funny, because I was never much of a "baby person" and sort of assumed that I would always think kittens were cuter than small humans, but now I am of course completely obsessed with my own child and can confirm she is in fact the cutest thing on the planet (I may, perhaps, be biased).

 

(Although kittens ARE pretty great, too.)

 

I was just thinking about you the other day when I drove past that hotel you stayed at last time you were in my area. I MISS YOUR FACE.

[Mad Hatter]

WELCOME BAAAACK!

[raptron]

Mothers of infants are wildly busy?!??!?! I'M SHOCKED AND SHOOK. 😜

 

Welcome back, doll! 

[starsapart]

6 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

WELCOME BAAAACK!

 

Thank you! It's so great to see all these familiar faces here. 😊

 

38 minutes ago, raptron said:

Mothers of infants are wildly busy?!??!?! I'M SHOCKED AND SHOOK. 😜

 

Welcome back, doll! 

 

Right? Who'da thunk it?????

 

❤️

[starsapart]

Not that the challenge has kicked off yet, but so far this week I've lifted 2 times, done yoga 3 times, and gone to aerial once. But now the baby is sick so like........... who knows how the weekend is going to go...

 

[Elennare]

Welcome back!  Your kiddo is adorable.  I am really terrible at following other people's threads because being social is the first thing that goes for me when I am low on time/energy, but I might stick my head back in occasionally.

 

On 1/2/2020 at 7:10 AM, starsapart said:

 It is, but I'm wondering when it expires. I can't always say "mama fatigue" for the next 17+ years....... can I??? 😅

If my experience is anything to go by, sadly I fear the answer is "yes."  My oldest is 8.5, and exhaustion just seems to be my baseline state of existence.  Like, I haven't felt properly rested since a few months before he was born. I'm going to try super hard this challenge to fix that, because it's (quite possibly literally) killing me.  Good luck!

[raptron]

On 1/3/2020 at 5:14 PM, starsapart said:

Not that the challenge has kicked off yet, but so far this week I've lifted 2 times, done yoga 3 times, and gone to aerial once. But now the baby is sick so like........... who knows how the weekend is going to go...

BOOM, though.

[sylph]

Hope the kiddo is on the mend.

[starsapart]

On 1/3/2020 at 3:27 PM, Elennare said:

Welcome back!  Your kiddo is adorable.  I am really terrible at following other people's threads because being social is the first thing that goes for me when I am low on time/energy, but I might stick my head back in occasionally.

 

If my experience is anything to go by, sadly I fear the answer is "yes."  My oldest is 8.5, and exhaustion just seems to be my baseline state of existence.  Like, I haven't felt properly rested since a few months before he was born. I'm going to try super hard this challenge to fix that, because it's (quite possibly literally) killing me.  Good luck!

 

I am also terrible at following with my current scattered attention, BUT I AM TRYING.

 

OMG don't say that, I am 0% recovered from a super rough night and I caught her sickness and I feel like I was run over by a truck and I just want a light at the end of the tunnel (that isn't a train also set on running me over). 

 

54 minutes ago, raptron said:

BOOM, though.

 

I did my best, which is adequate enough but like. Ugh. UGH.

 

52 minutes ago, sylph said:

Hope the kiddo is on the mend.

 

We thought she was and then she was up! All night! Screaming! And I got 2 hours of sleep! And I caught her crud and I can't breathe out of my nose! 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃

 

 

 

 

Yeah... so day one two is starting off with a bang. Weekend was actually quite good, and kiddo got two whole playdates (because we were like, eh, snot, not that big a deal), and she seemed to be getting better and then she... wasn't. More on that in a second.

 

First for my fitness update: I lifted on Saturday night, somehow (ugh, it was bad and I didn't want to, but I did it), and I got out to take a lyra class last night. Which as it turns out is a very good thing because uh. I got cast in a show? On lyra? Despite doing a really terrible audition??? On silks???????? So last night after the lyra class, we had a cast meeting to discuss the show vision and talk within each scene group to figure out how to architect our numbers, since the directors like to give a looooooooot of artistic freedom, meaning we all kind of... have to figure it out on our own (which is both a good and a bad thing). Based on how the organization within the scene shook out, I'm going to be doing a duo with... the advanced lyra teacher....... who is the most badass guy ever, insanely strong, SO skilled, and I am terrified of holding him back BUT HERE WE ARE. We also had a good laugh about the fact that he and I are playing the straight couple when we are... decidedly not straight.

 

 

Anyway, so we are meeting on Friday to begin choreographing our duo, which is a fairly terrifying proposition but should, at least, be the kick in the pants I need to really start training a lot and eating less crap, because I have to go onstage in a skintight white costume in mid-March, and my partner needs to be able to base me without breaking himself.  🙃

 

Anyway, right around then is when my throat started hurting, and I went home and drank herbal tea and told myself I would feel better after a good night's sleep and some NyQuil.

 

Ha.

 

(If you want to skip the mom vent and the profanity, just skip the next paragraph.)

 

Baby decided she wasn't feeling better after all and more or less screamed all night long. We took turns getting up to try soothing her, and eventually my wife brought her back to bed with us where she proceeded to crawl around, practice her kung fu on our ribs, yank our hair, and whine. She barely slept and we pretty much didn't sleep at all, and now she's even more whiny (because... no sleep) and I feel even more sick and I might have had an ugly sobbing fit into my pillow when my alarm went off at 7 (I think I'd been asleep, finally, for like 15 minutes) and I had to go get ready for an 8am conference call with London, during which everyone asked why I didn't just take a sick day and I had to explain over and over that unlike in other humane nations, in the US our company doesn't offer sick days (only vacation) SO HERE I FUCKING AM. They already didn't give me a single bloody day of maternity leave and so I have no vacation time to spare because I took a super fun two week "vacation" to take care of my newborn last March, so I'm not feeling very kind and patient toward anyone I work with or for right now, especially considering my European colleagues get treated like fucking humans and I don't.

 

SO YEAH, ANYWAY.

 

I'm supposed to yoga today and I am registered for an advanced lyra class tonight and I legitimately don't know if my body is going to make it through either of these things, but I can't cancel because I've got so little time to get back into fighting shape. Also, if I'm not going to sleep anyway, I might as well not-sleep productively at aerial or something? I don't know.

[sylph]

That sounds hard. And exhausting. I understand the urge to push--just don't break yourself or delay your beating the cold while you do it. ❤️

[starsapart]

7 minutes ago, sylph said:

That sounds hard. And exhausting. I understand the urge to push--just don't break yourself or delay your beating the cold while you do it. ❤️

 

Yeah, I'm just pretty concerned about the short runway and the way I figure it, if it's only a cold (seems to be - no fever, hardly any cough, none of the muscle aches etc etc etc that might come with the flu or something more serious) and sleep deprivation, and if I can take a nap over my lunch break, then I can drive safely to and from class. If I can get through even 50% of the class and condition a bit, it will be worth going, especially since I can't get a refund unless I cancel 24 hours in advance. I might as well go even if I have to crap out midway through and lie down on the crash mat.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

No parental leave? That's straight up crap. Your company's leave policy sucks.

[starsapart]

1 hour ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

No parental leave? That's straight up crap. Your company's leave policy sucks.

 

Correct, it does.

[WhiteGhost]

Yikes, sick + no sleep is decidedly less than ideal. Congratulations on getting cast for the Lyra show, though

[Mad Hatter]

Cool that you got into the show! But please take care of yourself. I understand that you want to keep up your skills and get in enough practice time, but perhaps doing yoga AND lyra is a bit excessive? Maybe it'd be better to really focus your energy on what you need to do for the show and use the rest for a speedier recovery.