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mitch_dee

Mitch_Dee has no idea where to even start (besides a week late)

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Good evening all,

 

It's been a while, some of you may remember me, some may not know me.....it does not really matter at this point since I'm not even sure I know myself.  A lot of stuff has gone down since the last time I was here, new jobs, bad jobs, loss of weight (though not much), the gain of weight (quite a bit), kid growing, and all the other fun of life.  Truth be told I find myself lost any more, but there have been two things constant for the last year or two, I hate who ever I am, and can't find anything that really brings me any joy.

 

Time for the standard disclaimer: this post/thread is not for attention or to be dramatic or a cry for help....I have returned to NF because it was one of the few places I always felt I could say anything and not be judged or have to make justifications, it's the only place I think I can say some of the things that go through my head.  That being said, this thread might address some issues that some find uncomfortable (even myself) might get to personal at times, if anything I say offends anyone I apologize now, if anything is against the rules of the forums and I didn't catch it please tell me so I can correct it. I wish not to cause harm, just vent things I have nowhere else in my life to say them.

 

Lets get to the point, this is a challenge thread, so my challenge is simple: Survive.  No, I am not a direct danger to myself, but I have realized I stopped caring, stopped doing what needs to be done and at times revolted against all things that would make me a little better.  I would not actively harm myself, but not sure if I would actively prevent it...so it's time to start just surviving it.  I will focus on a simple goals in three categories, mind, body and spirit/soul/whatever-the-hell-you-want-to-call-it...

 

Mind: (2 goals here)

  • Take my meds every day....I was put on head meds about 6 months ago, I don't tell much difference but others said they have, problem is I forget to take it a few days at a time along with my blood pressure meds; so I need to make sure I take my pills everyday!
  • learn to voice/vent my issues - this will be done on here when the moods hit.  I have a ton of stuff that sits in my head and I never say or even let out and I think part of that is what weighs on me at times.  I feel here I can type them and not feel judged (I have felt it easier to talk to friends made online that I have never met irl)

Body: 

  • Stop eating food I should not:  no this does not mean junk food and sweets, it means the foods I literally should not eat.  A year ago I took a food intolerance test and tested issues with most foods I was eating.  I eliminated 90% of them and for months I felt good - most my headaches stop happening, my body stopped aching, I lost weight and felt better all around.  Problem is I stopped one day in a downward spiral and never got back at it.  Now I'm back to daily headaches, my joints and muscles ache so bad I fight of tears some days while popping 5 Advil every 4 hours....and to top it all of I now weigh 403 lbs.  So it's time to eliminate all the bad foods again.

Spirit-thingy:

  • Find one thing I enjoy; I don't care what it is.  I lost BJJ a few years ago due to my abdominal hernia (that they won't work on till I'm below 300 lbs) and I really don't find joy in video games or books (can't find any that hold my interest) so time to find something.  If I find something I'm hoping it will help me start to find some good points in my self to focus on.  I used to enjoy drawing (but too super critical to even practice to get good) and writing (same issue), but maybe I will try again.....who knows.

Bonus: complete challenge - I don't think even back in the day I even finished a challenge and the last ones I tried I abandoned and recoiled away from in a week

 

It might get rocky, it might get incoherent or scattered at times, but again, trying to find away to vent some issues out in a place I used to enjoy and feel safe. 

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I'm here, just busy in all ways. Hoping to post with detail tonight after kiddo has gone to bed. Remembered to take my pills today and friday....forgot yesterday...opps

Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk

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Ok, I'll call this weekend week zero...

- 2 out of 3 days taking meds
- 0 out of 3 days eating right...and damn have I paid for it the last two days.
- I did however get my hands on the new 2nd edition Pathfinder books and started laying out character ideas...they will never be played but there has always been something about character creation that I have throughly enjoyed...so I got that going for me.

Fresh start tomorrow, time to be on track.

"Look Raist, bunnies..."

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Well I've found you now!  I only today thought to go looking and see if you had a challenge.   I'm super spoiled by the peeps who put [Current challenge] in their signatures, and use that to navigate.

 

Welcome back buddy.   Absolutely use the space to vent and get your head thoughts onto ... pixel thoughts.  Sometimes that alone can be so helpful.     It sounds like you've reflected well on some things that need to be focused on to regain some of the better days you've had a taste of.    Medicines daily and at routinely the same time is a big one, and you're tackling that, so awesome job there!

 

Little steps at a time and all that.   The rebels are here for ya!

 

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Well that all fell apart fast....I guess we are at the end of the week already.  So week 1 done (technically week 2), time to review:

 

Mind: (2 goals here)

  • Take my meds every day: 4 out of 7 days...I guess a majority works
  • learn to voice/vent my issues: Fail, there were many times I was going to come back to the computer and type some things up but every time I either told my self that it was pointless or got so wrapped up in my head that I just bounced problems and shutdown to go to bed.  Even sitting here now I have made the time but find myself back in the old habits of lurking the forums instead...not even commenting in other threads when I want to (it's hard to explain maybe some kind of anxiety, no clue)

Body: 

  • Stop eating food I should not:  50/50:  I can definitely say rice is a major problem to my body.  I had two different meals with rice, and hurt so bad during the night and next day; mixed with other meals that contained even a small amount of anything I'm suppose to stay away from and I had two nights that I was damn near in tears from the aching throughout my body.

Spirit-thingy:

  • Find one thing I enjoy; I don't care what it is:  Read through most all of the 3 Pathfinder books I got and started laying out plans for characters.  Start quick back story ideas and team makeups, and have rolled out 3 of the characters so far.  got a few other ideas and then might write up some stuff on them all.

Bonus: complete challenge - 1 week down, not the best, but made myself come and post so I wouldn't just fade away like I tend to.

 

Week coming up the bosses are out of down so should be a less hectic week.  Might be able to unwind some.  Oh, and smoking my first brisket this weekend....story might come later.

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Trying to update more often...

 

Sunday was kind of a mixed day, WifeDee went to church and midgetDee (Aria) was up at my MiL's house.  Got a call from Aria on MiL's phone, she was crying and I guess was in trouble for having grandma buy sushi from the store and then not eating it.  MiL got on the phone and told us the story about how they were in the store and Aria saw the sushi and told her she loves sushi (which she does) and asked to buy it for lunch, so MiL bought it for her and now she is barely touching it and is just picking at the rice.  "She begged me to get it so I bought the frozen sushi and now she won't eat, so no TV or playing or ipad or anything till she eats" (said over phone but at Aria)...first, ultimatums don't work with my daughter she takes after me and will fight to the end of the earth if you presenter her with an ultimatum (trust me).  Second, Aria does love sushi, but her 7 year old brain equates sushi to the fresh sushi we by at the store, made there, or from a restaurant, so when she sees the word sushi that's what she is thinking and has no idea that it will be different, which leads to third, who the fuck buys FROZEN sushi!!!  to say I was baffled is an understatement.  So WifeDee went back up and got her, which actually helped with a miscommunication on who was watching her on Monday since she had no school and I was in a little hot water with my Ma (who they they were watching her and set up a play date...).  So family communication lunacy on all sides.

 

The good part of the day was the time I spent at the smoker...over the last few years I have developed a love for smoking meat and is one of the few things that I have some joy in.  I have gotten good enough that I now have a small network of friends that buy weekly meal prep proteins from me.  The one thing I have always held off on smoking was a brisket, it might sound dumb, but this was always a cut of meat that I felt deserved respect and a proper amount of experience before trying.  So Sunday afternoon/night was spent butchering, prepping and smoking a large brisket.  I was actually impressed with my butcher for the first time with such a large cut, but the flat and the point looked better than some I've seen in stores.  I was nervous the entire smoke (especially cause it was 17° with w 5° wind chill) but the fire held temp well and the end result was great.  The flavor was spot on, the point was perfect, the flat could have used about 45 mins longer but when thin sliced no one would know the difference.  Pictures below in spoiler (was not sure if raw meat would bug any vegetarians here), the solid piece, the point and flat separated after butchering it and the final result of the flat:

Spoiler

FB_IMG_1579501464926.thumb.jpg.85ae0ecfc88a1e828a21eb71be64b949.jpg20200119_112934.thumb.jpg.5dedeaf57391cffce790c3ec19ada53e.jpg20200120_002057.thumb.jpg.1cfa72dcb4f68a867e50532b5ddf67a4.jpg

 

Monday, not bad, bosses are out of office for the week so quiet and a time to catch up on stuff.  Was pretty sore from eating bad foods on Saturday and Sunday; but I ate about 90% good foods all day (one bowl of cereal makes up that 10% bad).  Had a long talk about some issues that I have been silently facing with myself and wifeDee, it was a good talk and I feel a little better about some things on that on front.  Tried to work on some Pathfinder characters...finished of the rogue and started the sorceress (basically making one of every class...3 1/2 down...lol), but was too tired and went to bed.

 

Today, forgot to take meds, if I get out of office for lunch I'll grab them and take them, this week is week long potluck at work where we get out the panini maker so trying my best to avoid the bad foods (aka bread and cookies in this case).  

 

Trying to catch up on others threads and comment something worth while (instead of just memes and failed attempts at humor).  Anyway back to work I go.

 

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Well it's Wednesday, I'm now 3 doubles in, should have been in bed an hour or so ago and ate Chinese food for dinner and a sandwich now....and all I can think is fuck it.  Babbling self hate rant incoming....

Spoiler

There are so many times that I look in a mirror and all I can do is laugh at the image in front of me....I recognize some of the person reflected back, but not much of him.  to say he is buried in here somewhere would seem apt, there used to be someone in here with dream, someone with goals....but I have no clue where that person is now.  long ago I had a plan, a goal and then I failed...not only did I fail literally, but I failed multiple times to get to that fail.  I discovered that alcohol could make me stand out, could get me attention, and in some cases could make me attractive to girls.  I spent less time focused on goals and more time enjoying seen; not that I was never seen earlier, but I had spent so many years telling myself I was the 'fat funny guy' that I wrapped myself in that label.  I was the friend of many girls, the shoulder they cried on, the one they called, but not the one the saw.  This played on my image as well...I loved my role as there confidant and person they knew would take care of them, it allowed my to understand girls (and later women) better than most guys would ever understand.  But it left me as always the one that wanted more, wanted a relationship, wanted to be desired.  I know, I know...poor pity story that is the base of all rom-coms, but it started shifted my mind frame to thinking value was determined by ones ability to be attractive to the opposite sex.  But I digress, I had goals, to be a pilot in the USAF, to serve my country and fly as I had dreamed all my life...I was in the number 7 flight school in the country (accepted at all top 10 flight schools at the time but #7 was close to home and cheapest), in ROTC and was on the path.  Well I was a little overweight, at a time that the military could be supper picky about its ROTC cadets so I was put in the "Fat-man club" aka, not allowed to wear uniform to class and training, just the sweatsuit outfit.  I was the top member in my class on all things but physical aptitude and they would not take the extra time to help (these days they would let you go to camp overweight cause they would burn it off you there) back then they just semi-shamed you.  I had an aptitude at making drinks so the ROTC commanders, aka seniors, assigned me an unofficial squadron position instead of a real one as the squad apprentice bar keep.  This helped fuel my ego as everyone in college loves the guy making their drinks, and I relished in the recognition of the cool kids and the ladies.  This just fueled the drinking and attitude that I was cooler when drinking...after 3 semesters I was asked to leave the school due to my 0.4 gpa, the fact I drank 5-6 nights a week, slept through class and was in the last 2 semesters part of an alcohol supply ring for a large group of the dorms (making tons of money for a 19 year old).  The letter stating I was kicked out came the Dec 26th when extended family was in town visiting for the first time in 5 years.  So I got to look my parents in the eye and tell them I wasted their hard earned money and flushed every dream I had since I was 5 down the drain.....I think there is some small part of me that has never forgiven myself for this, and never will...the true bases for my fear of success and the fact that I feel like I do not deserve good things.

 

TLDR: I fucked up my dream, hence I am fucked up.

anyway....just a ramble on a night I should have gone to bed much earlier.

-Took meds

-ate ALL the bad foods (as in pretty much every item I'm not suppose to eat)

-did nothing constructive

 

On to another day....

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Stop beating yourself up for what was. This keeps you stuck (speaking from experience). 

Move forward...now...today.

Eat 1 healthy meal today

Give yourself 1 compliment today

Repeat.

You can do this. The past does not have to define your future.

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Getting around on the boards now since I've been so busy and scarce.

That meat loooooks aamaaaazing.  Forget hijacking the food Deftona sends you, I'ma come all rogue like and pickpocket that smoked meat!  Seriously!

Fun stuff on the Pathfinder makings.  I've only played it's big brother D&D for fantasy settings.  (Also Warhammer Fantasy, but different sport altogether that.)  I'd love to try it once but fear I'd find it overwhelming at this point.

Keep putting one foot forward, no matter how small the step is.   Then take pride in that.    I know the journey is hard. 

But YOU. ARE. WORTH. IT.   I promise.

 

 

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On 1/24/2020 at 9:41 AM, fitnessgurl said:

Give yourself 1 compliment today

I have never been successful with this.

On 1/24/2020 at 9:41 AM, fitnessgurl said:

The past does not have to define your future.

I try not to let it define me, but it does haunt me.

 

On 1/26/2020 at 8:54 AM, Starpuck said:

I'ma come all rogue like and pickpocket that smoked meat! 

No need to steal, I would love to cook/host Nerd outings or events

On 1/26/2020 at 8:54 AM, Starpuck said:

Fun stuff on the Pathfinder makings.  I've only played it's big brother D&D for fantasy settings.  (Also Warhammer Fantasy, but different sport altogether that.)  I'd love to try it once but fear I'd find it overwhelming at this point

I am so jealous of all your gaming stuffs....I use to play the Palladium series of games (mainly Rifts) over 20 years ago (wow it hurts to realize it was that long ago).  Have not played since (besides a few failed attempts at pbp on here), but always find myself gravitating to reading about or looking at different rpg's.  

 

On 1/26/2020 at 8:54 AM, Starpuck said:

I've only played it's big brother D&D for fantasy settings. 

Well now I'm looking at the "Big Brother"....holy hell they expanded a ton in 5e!!  so many options....so many characters to make....How did I never look into Sword Coast source book till now?!?  Neverwinter, Boulder Gate (some of my favorite computer rpg's and I never dived into the book...*facepalm)

 

Thanks all for checking in, sorry I'm not good at posting, I get stuck in my head and have to fight the thought that anyone cares what I type; I real appreciate it!

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Wow, how is it Monday already....quick update cause I want to go catch up with other's threads.

 

Meds, taken each day (might have missed Sat)

Eating, God help me

Fun, have now started looking into D&D 5e....lots of reading ahead...so many characters to come in the future, may actually try to write something. 

Side note, my friend started a facebook community trying to get folks to stop and enjoy crafting or making art they love and then share it with the group so we can all bolster each other and see that even in a busy world we can still do stuff we like and create things.  My friend has no issues sharing her art but has lots of friends that have shared being envious of that so she started this to help us hopefully have confidence in what we create.  I have joined that group, once a month she will post a theme and we have a month to create through any medium we want something related to that theme.  I'm actually looking forward to it as she is young (but an old soul) and bat shit crazy so who knows what the hell the themes could be.

 

Any way, off to read more 5e, the Sword Coast is calling!!

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On 1/28/2020 at 9:00 AM, fitnessgurl said:

Change your mind-change your life.

It's always weird when you hear words you say to others said to you...lol

 

 

On 1/26/2020 at 8:54 AM, Starpuck said:

I've only played it's big brother D&D for fantasy settings.

Starpuck, I have now abandoned pathfinder characters to start 5e ones.  In your experiences are their classes you think are played less or stayed away from by the masses?  I like to start with those....There is so much new (and familiar due to being a huge Dragonlance and Drizzt fan).

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On 1/27/2020 at 11:18 PM, mitch_dee said:

Fun, have now started looking into D&D 5e....lots of reading ahead...so many characters to come in the future, may actually try to write something. 

Yay! I just started my first ever D&D campaign with my friend (the one where you have 1 player, 1 DM and the DM plays a sidekick as well.) Though she had to go back and revamp the world because I am horrible at puzzles and also she tried to get overzealous and create her own world which I think she felt wasn't good enough or something. I am not sure. So we have only had 1 intro session and 1 real session. My characters name is Burr :D 

 

Quote

Side note, my friend started a facebook community trying to get folks to stop and enjoy crafting or making art they love and then share it with the group so we can all bolster each other and see that even in a busy world we can still do stuff we like and create things. 

Oh that is fun. I love art and I also have no issue sharing :P I might overshare. Most of my groups on Facebook are art communities. They really are a lot of fun. But I see people posting about how they feel intimidated or like they aren't worthy to post or something because they feel their art isn't as good. Its sad because art is art and is not made to be complimented but its made for the single act of creating.


That smoked meat look amazing! :) I have a smoker I use 1-2 times a year. Mainly during my families annual rib competition.

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I am having a really rough day today, don't mind this rant  just trying to vent stuff I can't say while at work, well basically anywhere in my life but here (as I have no actual connection with anyone here to effect my daily life)...this last week has kinda of blurred, no real separation in them.  Dreams are too vivid and too normal each night lately that I wake up not sure if I slept, feeling exhausted and going through the motions.  Feeling caged, emotionally barely holding on right, trying not to be so self destructive that I just walk out on my job.  Self image is gone, if it weren't for wife needing the mirror I would have pitched it by now, all my clothes feel tight, including the new ones...food is a wreck and I just backlash and use it to satisfy my feelings and hurt myself at the same time.  not happy with most anything and very temperamental with the fam, wish they had someone else most of the time...not sure if that's cause I just feel like I suck at parenting or if it's cause I just am so selfish I want out of it all.  Don't remember what it's like to have done something right or even feel like I did something right.  Confidence is zero, no faith to even look for a way out of any of it.  Oh well back to work.

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