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I don't like being touched


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And it is causing issues with my relationship with my husband. He really likes physical touch both recieving and giving. I don't like being touched. There are very few ways I enjoy being touched. I have tried telling him "hey how you were rubbing back yesterday I really liked and when you do this I don't like it." but what happens is (at least I few like) he doesn't care how I feel about it and is just going to do whatever he wants.

Refering to the 5 love language concept physical touch is his number one and it is number 5 on my list. I may have been more tolerate of physical touch when we were first together but now I don't really like it.

I have tried again and again to tell him that physical touch does not make me fill loved and have asked that he do other things.

I want to get better at the physical touch stuff but I don't know how.

Try everything once. If it kills you don't do it again.Paleo- So Easy A Caveman Can Do It

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That's a pretty serious problem. Same boat here, with some minor differences. Is there anything getting in the way of you being OK with touch? Like underlying anger? That gets in my way that's why I ask. Or are you a mom and get "touched out?" Those are some easy explanations / areas to adjust. Could you agree on certain touching - like pre sleep cuddling?

My husband has come to accept that I'm not a very physical person. I've got a high pain threshold, which is awesome, but on the flip side means I'm not very physically sensitive. So touching doesn't feel great, it just limits my movement (his arm under my back on the couch, weird sleep position, etc.)

Hope you guys can come up with a compromise and understanding.

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That's a tough issue. You didn't give a lot of details so I'm not sure of the scope of the situation.

If your relationship is generally ok in other areas, I think you should to have a good attitude and be thankful for a loving husband. I am not very touchy feel either but I also know how it feels to have someone withdraw and it's so painful. If you shut him down over and over again he WILL withdraw. My opinion on 'getting better at it' is to try to find a way to compromise. Try physical touch with a heart full of love for your husband because you know it makes him feel fulfilled. That's what the 5 Love Languages suggests, even doing many smaller things throughout the day as kind of a grand gesture. After a while it will become second nature.

If your relationship is not exactly great in other areas:

Now you need to be honest with yourself. You sound angry and hurt and I can understand that.

Is your aversion to physical touch with your husband tied in any way to an actual aversion to your husband? What is it that makes you feel loved most of all that you wish he did? Have you told him verbatim about this?

I do not know what your physical relationship is like with your husband but remember he cannot force you to do anything, even as your husband. If he continually is forceful with you (even in a non-sexual way) despite your voiced objections please consider seeking help. A man who is overly forceful with his wife despite objections shows signs of an abuser, or in the very least a serious D-Bag. If he ignores you over and over again in a cruel way there may be deeper issues

1-800-799-SAFE is a National Domestic Violence Hotline. I'm not saying that there is something like that going on but like I said I don't have a lot of detail so I want you to have the option should you need it.

On a lighter note, sometimes men are just dumb about stuff like that. Sometimes you need to be verbatim and firm and leave nothing to interpretation. If you sit him down and firmly tell him I love you, but I DO NOT LIKE THIS, he should respond. Sometimes you just have to repeat until the light goes on.

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Well, we aren't doing well overall. We are talking with a professional but we still have what seems like a lot of work to do. This is one of the issues; how we show affection to each other. I am just trying to find some way to response better to this. I have try to remember and tell myself "he is being loving and this is how he shows affection" but it only works fora while then i just get annoyed at what he is doing.

A big problem and I have expressed this several times is when I ask him to stop whatever he is doing he doesn't. Most of the stuff ranges from (what I consider) childish behavior like poking me non-stop to his gentle rubbing of my arm, nothing mean or anything.

In the end he feels that I hate him touching me and I need up feeling like it is all my fault our relationship is rocky.

Try everything once. If it kills you don't do it again.Paleo- So Easy A Caveman Can Do It

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Ok, please forgive me if I'm totally off base about this. But it sounds so familiar that I gotta throw this in.

The world is in some tough times. Might I guess that your lives aren't that easy, and maybe your husband is feeling insecure about work, finances, future, etc? He looks to you for physical reassurance, and to you, also worried about those things, he seems like he's not providing the support you need and you're tired of always being the strong one.

Stress is going to work itself out in your relationship in little negative ways. You could try and figure out the touching thing. And maybe there is a difference in your preferences. But working that through in a stressful environment is going to be double charged and maybe not possible.

If you can, put the touching thing aside (maybe by reaching a compromise - hug and kiss on greeting and parting, pre-sleep cuddle, little else) Understand that you're both a little strained, and put the energy into fixing the big things. Get a new job, move to lower housing costs, etc.

Hope that's not insultingly off the mark - just been through exactly the same thing recently and now seeing the light at the end of the tough time. Good luck.

Once and future ranger.

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If you ask him to stop doing what he's doing and he won't stop it, that's not affection. At best it's passive-aggressive, and at worst it's outright aggressive.

Maybe I'm oversensitive to this because I'm not a toucher either and I have also had boyfriends who had a real issue with it. The bottom line, though, is that a wedding ring is not an all-access pass. If he can't respect your personal space and your boundaries, he needs to sort that out with a therapist pronto.

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Thanks for the encouragement. I have been having a really hard time with a lot of this stuff.

Life is stressing us out. Things have changed a lot in the last several months and are still changing as I prepare to go to PCS to Germany. We aren't agreeing on which direction to go in life. Being int he military limits exactly what we can do.

Another big issue is he wants to return to our home state to be near family and, well, I have orders to Germany. I still have several years before I can seperate so it not going to be an easy fix.

To top it all off I have been suggesting with depression which makes it hard to handle all the stress.

All I would is some support and I want to be supportive of what he want too.

Try everything once. If it kills you don't do it again.Paleo- So Easy A Caveman Can Do It

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I don't have any advice, but *hugs*. I was like this for a long time with my "soon to be ex husband"... I came to realize I just didn't like being touched by him because we didn't have the sort of connection I needed. I found someone I did have a connection with and my view on touch has completely changed. I know that isn't true of everyone tho, so I hope you two can work it out!

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If you don't mind a guy's point of view?

I agree that if you ask him to stop and he doesn't, then it's no longer him showing affection, he's more worried about his needs.

In general though, this does sound like a discussion about the symptoms and not the disease. I would bet that if your overall relationship were to improve, then the way he approached you would be different, and you would be more responsive and appreciative of his touch. Having said that, the battle over this particular thing can definitely make the situation worse.

Personally, I would say that until the emotional intimacy is there, there's no point in touching at all.

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From another guys point of view... Exactly what Book said.

If you don't mind a guy's point of view?

I agree that if you ask him to stop and he doesn't, then it's no longer him showing affection, he's more worried about his needs.

In general though, this does sound like a discussion about the symptoms and not the disease. I would bet that if your overall relationship were to improve, then the way he approached you would be different, and you would be more responsive and appreciative of his touch. Having said that, the battle over this particular thing can definitely make the situation worse.

Personally, I would say that until the emotional intimacy is there, there's no point in touching at all.

I've been that guy before, I love being "touchy" and will drop what I'm doing to give a massage in an instant and my ex wasn't so much. She liked massages but not cuddling so much. And when our relationship started to dissolve (because of other issues) then she became more distant about that, and I started getting more concerned about my needs for closeness and needed the contact even more.

So, from my experience, I wouldn't say that it is him being passive-aggressive or even straight aggressive (not meaning violent aggressive), but it is more how he shows his insecurity in everything going on. My best suggestion would be to work on finding a compromise for now but focus more on the major issues that are causing problems in the marriage and maybe this will go away or at least lighten up some.

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Have you considered giving him permission to find physical affection with others?

It sounds like you two are physical-affection incompatible. This is one of those things that's unlikely that either of you are going to change, it's just who you are.

If you open up the marriage to allow him to seek physical affection from other people (I don't necessarily mean sex; this can just be types of cuddling, etc. -- you can set the rules) then the pressure isn't on you to receive these affections, but he can still express those things with someone.

My $0.02 is that this would be a far better outcome than one of you just "sucking it up" and suppressing your own preferences until it becomes a bigger issue than the marriage could handle.

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From another guys point of view... Exactly what Book said.

I've been that guy before, I love being "touchy" and will drop what I'm doing to give a massage in an instant and my ex wasn't so much. She liked massages but not cuddling so much. And when our relationship started to dissolve (because of other issues) then she became more distant about that, and I started getting more concerned about my needs for closeness and needed the contact even more.

So, from my experience, I wouldn't say that it is him being passive-aggressive or even straight aggressive (not meaning violent aggressive), but it is more how he shows his insecurity in everything going on. My best suggestion would be to work on finding a compromise for now but focus more on the major issues that are causing problems in the marriage and maybe this will go away or at least lighten up some.

Thanks guys that actually helps. I can see how that is can be the reason.

All of you are helping. I been looking at this for so long by myself I need some outside perspectives.

Try everything once. If it kills you don't do it again.Paleo- So Easy A Caveman Can Do It

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I'm a military spouse myself, and I know that sometimes I can be a little frustrated with the fact that my husband's career dictates where I can live, and can easily interrupt plans I've made or career opportunities I can take on. It must be very hard that he is not planning on PCSing with you, and that right there causes some difficult emotions. I think you mentioned talking to someone about your marriage issues already, but I just want to throw out that the chaplain at your base is a free resources (even if you have no religious views or preferences), TriCare has a lot of options for self referral out to counselors local to you, and MilitaryOneSource also offers a a lot of free information and resources online regarding long distance relationships/marriages and the general stress of military family life. I hope you're able to get your marriage where you want it to be.

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I agree that your lack of wanting to be touched is related to the issues you already have. When I started having problems in my last relationship, I became distant too. He would still be doing all the hand-holding, back rubbing, etc. and I just wanted nothing to do with it. I AM a touchy feely person, so that was a red light for me. It just comes down to how you feel about the whole situation, not just the touching. Don't put up with a situation that make you unhappy, life's too damn short. But on the other hand, don't throw away a part of your life because it seems inconvenient, right now. Weigh the pros and cons and do what's best for you.

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Since some of the guys already chimed in....

You didn't mention your #1 Love Language. Have you told him what it is and has he responded by providing you with your needs? If not, then he is being selfish (or stupid). I struggle with this with my wife. I'm touchy, she's not. So I try to not touch her and try to give her what she needs and hope it changes her heart to give me what I need. It kills me (physically pains me, at times) to not touch this woman that I love so much. Just my perspective. I hope and pray you can work it out.

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Since some of the guys already chimed in....

You didn't mention your #1 Love Language. Have you told him what it is and has he responded by providing you with your needs? If not, then he is being selfish (or stupid). I struggle with this with my wife. I'm touchy, she's not. So I try to not touch her and try to give her what she needs and hope it changes her heart to give me what I need. It kills me (physically pains me, at times) to not touch this woman that I love so much. Just my perspective. I hope and pray you can work it out.

This. I'm touchy, my husband can take it or leave it most of the time, but he does start to notice when I stop being physical for a length of time.

His love language is acts of service and words of affirmation, and sometimes I have a hard time remembering that when I want to snuggle on the couch and he wants to mow the lawn or work on the house, he's actually saying he loves me in his own way.

After 15 years together we've worked through most of our major issues and we both try very hard to see life from the other's point of view. I've actually found that when I try to speak his language more often, he's much more willing to speak mine.

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http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-love-languages/

It was developed by a Christian marriage counselor, but it's a very useful assessment even if you disagree religiously.

I liked it until the part came up when he asked a husband what he loves about his wife " she's a good cook " is what basically he said .

But anyway ..

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I might check it out. Seems kinda interesting.

She's a good cook? What's not to love about that? Sorry, that's enough of that from me. If that is the only thing he loved about her, he should be out the door.

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I'm gonna contribute "She's a good cook" to men being men. Here's something I noticed. Men compliment their partners and women don't accept them well. My ex used to tell me I was beautiful all of the time and I never could believe him. It took a huge argument for him to point out "Just say thank you and believe me. Why would I lie to you?"

Women take action compliments better because we know that we're a good cook, or we are nice to others. So men take notice and start complimenting those things because we do believe them. But we get messed up when people say "You look amazing!" and we're taught to be humble so we brush it off, oh no I'm a mess today instead of a simple thank you with a bright smile. =) Seriously we just walk around calling people liars when we don't accept compliments.

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I liked it until the part came up when he asked a husband what he loves about his wife " she's a good cook " is what basically he said .

But anyway ..

Probably a husband who's love language is acts of service. This is how my husband is, and I get so many compliments of "good cook, wife, mother, takes good care of us, etc."...very little "you're beautiful, smart, funny, etc." unless I push him in that direction. *shrug* Whatever, after 15 years I know he does think all these things about me, even if he rarely says them.

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I'm gonna contribute "She's a good cook" to men being men. Here's something I noticed. Men compliment their partners and women don't accept them well. My ex used to tell me I was beautiful all of the time and I never could believe him. It took a huge argument for him to point out "Just say thank you and believe me. Why would I lie to you?"

Women take action compliments better because we know that we're a good cook, or we are nice to others. So men take notice and start complimenting those things because we do believe them. But we get messed up when people say "You look amazing!" and we're taught to be humble so we brush it off, oh no I'm a mess today instead of a simple thank you with a bright smile. =) Seriously we just walk around calling people liars when we don't accept compliments.

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I had never thought of it this way. I do believe it when my husband says I'm a good cook, but if he says I look nice I usually shrug it off cause I don't believe him. Think I'll work on accepting his compliments more graciously.

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