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Harriet

Harriet's Year of Metal, Track Two: Still Captured by Disorder

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3 hours ago, Harriet said:

Cry quietly... I'm not sure I have that sort of control. I mean, apart from the 99.999% of the time when I'm successfully crushing my feelings. 

Scratch that then! just make noise. if you're wanting to go that is. Or discuss it with your landlady, tell her you're likely to cry and you're worried you'd get in the way of their moment? 

 

1 hour ago, Mad Hatter said:

Something is very fucked up with our culture if we have to have a discussion on how to grief politely and in appropriate amounts in case we get judged

Not that our culture isn't all kinds of fucked up, but this isn't really about being judged I think? Not wanting disturb other grieving people seems a valid concern to me. 

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39 minutes ago, KB Girl said:

 

Not that our culture isn't all kinds of fucked up, but this isn't really about being judged I think? Not wanting disturb other grieving people seems a valid concern to me. 

But can you really imagine a situation where your neighbour would go “sshh can you please tone your crying down I’m trying to do my own crying here? You’re spoiling my mood.” Seems absurd to me, a funeral is a moment where people are supposed to come together.

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1 hour ago, KB Girl said:

 

Not that our culture isn't all kinds of fucked up, but this isn't really about being judged I think? Not wanting disturb other grieving people seems a valid concern to me. 

 

I agree, and it is a valid concern. But people are pre-disposed to judge, and happily do so regardless of situation.

 

53 minutes ago, Mad Hatter said:

But can you really imagine a situation where your neighbour would go “sshh can you please tone your crying down I’m trying to do my own crying here? You’re spoiling my mood.” Seems absurd to me, a funeral is a moment where people are supposed to come together.

 

Yes, I can, actually. People don't always do what they are supposed to do, sadly. Which, in my mind, is all the more reason to go to one only if a person really wants to.

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1 hour ago, Mad Hatter said:

But can you really imagine a situation where your neighbour would go “sshh can you please tone your crying down I’m trying to do my own crying here? You’re spoiling my mood.” Seems absurd to me, a funeral is a moment where people are supposed to come together.

I can’t imagine it no, I don’t think anyone would.. but I can imagine worrying that someone would have that experience without actually saying it.

A funeral is also a planned moment for condoleances etc.. if you’re in the outer circle (barely knew the deceased) you’re going to want to be delicate with the feelings of the people closer to the deceased. 

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I agree with @Tobbe, this is a good opportunity to let your buried feelings come out. Maybe ahead of the actual funeral, so that you don't have extra anxiety about that.

7 hours ago, Harriet said:

I did talk to my therapist about it, but there's not much to say. Long after everything is said, it's still a bit shit. And I can't cry, not ordinarily. 

7 hours ago, Harriet said:

I just... I really want to be polite and unobtrusive. I wasn't close to my landlady's mother. I barely knew her. I don't want to make the event about me. I'd honestly rather skip the event than draw any attention to myself whatever.

7 hours ago, Harriet said:

I understand there's nothing wrong with crying, per se. I just... I don't want to be noticeable at an event that's meant for other people. I feel like that would be worse than not showing up. I wept copiously at Oma's funeral (my mother-in-law's mother) and people noticed. My mother in law didn't mind because she loves me and she's awesome. But my landlady? I just think she should have a nice, quiet memorial for her mother. It's about what's best for her, so if I can't crush, I might be better off staying home.

 

I understand that you want to be there to show support to your landlady. That is what attending funerals is all about - giving support to the people who are grieving. Several of my friends came to my father's funeral. I'm sure they had never met him. They came to support me and I appreciated it tremendously.

 

There are several things you might do to make it easier. You could go to the venue ahead of time so that your emotions have a chance to do their thing before other people get there. If anyone says anything, just say you marked the wrong time in your calendar.

 

You can pick a seat in the back near an exit. If you feel overwhelmed during the funeral, quietly duck out the back. The funeral people are used to this. They have rooms were people can go and cry. Really, a funeral for someone you don't know is a good opportunity to let your brain do the things it hasn't had a chance to do for a long time.

 

7 hours ago, Harriet said:

I mean, I don't think I'm being hard on myself. I'm just disappointed at my lifting.

7 hours ago, Harriet said:


Oh yeah... I guess I should give it a few sessions before declaring that the boulder has rolled all the way down the hill. 

 

Oh yeah, I know that feeling of I used to be able to do this. If it is still bugging you after several more recovery sessions, you could switch things up for a bit. Do kettlebell exercises instead of barbells. Or do bodyweight training. Any exercise that is different from what you were doing so that you can't compare. There are lots of ways to get stronger. Mixing it up every now and then is a Good Thing™.

 

 

 

 

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6 hours ago, Scalyfreak said:

 

I don't quite agree that anxiety is an emotion. It causes emotions, like discomfort, nervousness, or fear, but anxiety it self is a medical condition. That's what makes it manageable - emotions aren't. :) 

 

As long as we agree that crushing and hangry are emotions. But seriously, I agree. Anxiety doesn't feel like an emotion so much as a misfiring of my lion-detection circuits. 

 

1 hour ago, Mistr said:

Oh yeah, I know that feeling of I used to be able to do this. If it is still bugging you after several more recovery sessions, you could switch things up for a bit. Do kettlebell exercises instead of barbells. Or do bodyweight training. Any exercise that is different from what you were doing so that you can't compare. There are lots of ways to get stronger. Mixing it up every now and then is a Good Thing™.

 

I've been doing DB presses for a while since I had some trouble with my wrist. But actually, I'm aching to get back to barbell bench presses. I miss them. I love my barbell lifts. 


So, today:

I wrote (3 sets, 2:43). I sketched (2 sets, 1:20). I did not go to TKD, because my main reason for going was to not annoy the instructor with inconsistent attendance, but that is not a good enough reason. I am in urgent need of rest. My rather brutal quad DOMS has been replaced with only mildly crippling lower back DOMS. 

I washed my hair instead, because it takes half a day to dry. I don't know how that is going to fit into my schedule. I also don't know how groceries and cooking are going to fit in. My current plan is to upgrade my diet from chocolate bars and instant noodles to protein shakes and string cheese, possibly some cherry tomatoes. Don't judge me; I'm struggling and I can't do everything I would wish. I can do some of the things.

 

Here is another pose from yesterday’s model. I loved this pose and I'm actually pretty darned happy with the painting, too. I don’t have great control over the tablet pen, but that is more than compensated by my ability to add and remove things. I think it’s good to continue doing some practice on paper, though, because it teaches different skills and mindset.

 

Spoiler

1773371030_figuresketch13.thumb.jpg.2a1b2565eb439f8981a4d8124fb4cef2.jpg

 

I thought about what I could do about the memorial. I decided to write about what I remember—about the most painful things—for my warmups in the mornings. Perhaps introspection and active recall will give me some access to my feelings, whatever they are. If I don’t feel calm by the time the memorial comes, I will not attend. @Mad Hatter@KB Girl is correct, I am not especially afraid of being judged, although I also strongly prefer not to display my feelings in public (nothing anyone says is likely to change that, regardless of how wise it may be). My main reason is that I wish to remain unobtrusive, as that is the best service I can offer my landlady, who has been friendly to us. I feel the second best thing I can do is stay home.

Meanwhile, for a change from metal, let's have some sighs and lamentations in a deep pitch with a seriously weird retro video and some great bad dancing.

 

Spoiler

 

 

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4 minutes ago, Harriet said:

As long as we agree that crushing and hangry are emotions. 

 

Obviously. Crushing is the feeling you summon right before grabbing a really heavy barbell, and hangry is self-explanatory.

 

Regarding hair, you can speed up the air-drying process by wrapping your wet hair in a t-shirt right after your shower. Basically pull the shirt over your head, pull your hair out and up over it so the shirt goes between your neck/back and the wet hair. Pull the shirt back up to your hair line so it looks like a weird sort of head-scarf wannabe, and smooth it around the hair, then gently twist it. The shirt will soak up as much water as it can, while it is gentler on the hair shaft than a towel is. Obviously not entirely optimal if your hair is considerably longer than the shirt, but still should help, especially if you can wrap the rest of your hair in something light and absorbent. I have cut my air-drying time down by more than half, by doing this on my shoulder long hair.

 

12 minutes ago, Harriet said:

Here is another pose from yesterday’s model. I loved this pose and I'm actually pretty darned happy with the painting, too. I don’t have great control over the tablet pen, but that is more than compensated by my ability to add and remove things. I think it’s good to continue doing some practice on paper, though, because it teaches different skills and mindset. Oh. Actually, I think I love her. She's gorgeous. 

 

 

 I like this model. She's very confident, and her poses are vocal. This one says, "strip faster and come here!" 😉

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26 minutes ago, Scalyfreak said:

Regarding hair, you can speed up the air-drying process by wrapping your wet hair in a t-shirt right after your shower.

 

I do wrap it in a towel for a few minutes. Longer doesn't seem to do more. A t-shirt would be soaked through before it did much--I'd need at least three, I think, even after squeezing out as much water as possible by hand, which I do. I know they say towels are rough, but I don't see how it can damage the hair as long as you don't rub it or move it around...? But yeah, she's down to my waist and, like me, not thin. So even after the towel, if it's not washed by shortly after lunchtime I'm likely go to bed with damp hair.

 

27 minutes ago, Scalyfreak said:

I like this model. She's very confident, and her poses are vocal. This one says, "strip faster and come here!" 😉

 

Heheh. Yeah, she's great. And this pose is a bit sexy. I wonder if they choose the poses themselves, or if the artists instruct them... 

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Okay, I had a mad idea for a future challenge. It's the love child of Figuary, and miss_marissa's selfie challenge. It's Portrarch. Martrait? It's, well, it's thirty paintings of the same magpie. Hmmm. Currently wondering if this would be terrible or fantastic. I most assuredly enjoy and miss doing portraits. But it would probably be more sensible to paint a variety of faces. Yes, that would be sensible. Anyway, I super enjoyed painting this. It's not accurate or anything, but since when does a painter need to be objective?

 

Spoiler

selfie1.thumb.jpg.af602d07c7f089d691197ff4f35a46a8.jpg

 

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I really like the facial expression! And the monochromatic look for the previous figure. Curious how much time you’re spending on the figuary sketches you’ve been posting (please don’t say five minutes 😂)

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3 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

I really like the facial expression! And the monochromatic look for the previous figure. Curious how much time you’re spending on the figuary sketches you’ve been posting (please don’t say five minutes 😂)

 

Lol, the long digital sketches take 40-60 minutes, I guess!

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15 hours ago, Harriet said:

My main reason is that I wish to remain unobtrusive, as that is the best service I can offer my landlady, who has been friendly to us. I feel the second best thing I can do is stay home.

 

Also, if you do end up staying home, you can have a lovely bouquet sent to where the services are. Or order them directly through the funeral home. As a side option, whatever you choose to do!

 

15 hours ago, Harriet said:

I wrote (3 sets, 2:43). I sketched (2 sets, 1:20). I did not go to TKD, because my main reason for going was to not annoy the instructor with inconsistent attendance, but that is not a good enough reason. I am in urgent need of rest. My rather brutal quad DOMS has been replaced with only mildly crippling lower back DOMS.

 

I always admire your workouts! Even though you feel out of sorts, know that your "out of sorts" is still someone else's aspiration 💙 ....... Me, I'm talking about me, i.e. the weakling getting stronger😂 

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7 minutes ago, Harriet said:

Lol, the long digital sketches take 40-60 minutes, I guess!

Oh thank fuck, that's a lot more reasonable. :lol:

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8 hours ago, nianjufe said:

I always admire your workouts! Even though you feel out of sorts, know that your "out of sorts" is still someone else's aspiration 💙 ....... Me, I'm talking about me, i.e. the weakling getting stronger😂 

 

Thank you! I also feel weak compared to others, but what can you do? Just gotta keep lifting, forever. The end. 
 

8 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

Oh thank fuck, that's a lot more reasonable. :lol:


For reference, here are some one or two minute sketches, I think. Some I was like "Oh yeah, that'll do" and some, like the last, I was like "wut. why u betray me, hand?"

Spoiler

IMG_7407.JPG.41de5a885994a08b9f3ddb09f95c1a1e.JPGIMG_7428.JPG.89194395f895bea61aae1c38408294c1.JPGIMG_7404.JPG.4868ca54a981a24fc175a09b3fc13099.JPGIMG_7416.JPG.05d1a2e427c4fa8bacacbeff7074720b.JPG

 

6 hours ago, KB Girl said:

Oh that's really nice! Love the eyes and the headphones especially.

Portrarch, yes. 

 

Thank you!

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I felt really scattered today. My breaks were as long as my writing sets. I did 3 (total 1:57) and a bunch of sketching/painting. I went for a walk. That's about it. I don't think eating junk food is doing much for my energy. I should get back to grocery shopping and cooking. I thought I wanted to eat protein shakes and cheese sticks, but now I feel slightly sick. I just... I'm going to need more energy to fit in the shopping and cooking alongside writing, painting, taekwondo and lifting and a decent amount of loitering on NF and sitting in the Gremlin cave listening to music and emitting slight growls.
 

Here's a one-minute sketch and a five-minute sketch from today's Figuary session. Obviously, one minute is not a long time, so it definitely exposes your weaknesses.

 

Spoiler

IMG_7481.JPG.6e14d204b5cd2fe5c012796ed0ba5653.JPGIMG_7482.JPG.5c60bc400ace97a8a024d7ed123ee09d.JPG

 

I also painted a portrait. I am struggling to get them right and not draw what I expect to see, rather than what is there. Oh well. Practice. I bet if I did thirty of these I'd learn something.

 

Spoiler

selfie3.thumb.jpg.4d47e892267541b3c2e1ccbe4a1ecee6.jpg

 

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10 hours ago, nianjufe said:

I always admire your workouts! Even though you feel out of sorts, know that your "out of sorts" is still someone else's aspiration 💙 ....... Me, I'm talking about me, i.e. the weakling getting stronger😂 

 

Count me in that group too, LOL. :D Also, I love all your paintings/drawings, they're really good!

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Your quick sketches are amazing!!! And that portrait!! 😲 Holy moly!!

I can draw a sweet stick figure if I have a big eraser and an hour lol 😛

 

As for getting stuff done, it sounds like you did a lot. It is hard to get the gusto to go groccery shopping and get things that you need to do done. I know what the struggle is like. Just take your time and get there, especially if you aren't feeling well on what you have.

 

As I say that...I'm staring down a pile of laundry that has already formed because I lollygagged putting away the other load 😩

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17 minutes ago, LostValkyrie19 said:

Your quick sketches are amazing!!! And that portrait!! 😲 Holy moly!!

 

Thank you!
 

17 minutes ago, LostValkyrie19 said:

As for getting stuff done, it sounds like you did a lot. It is hard to get the gusto to go groccery shopping and get things that you need to do done. I know what the struggle is like. Just take your time and get there, especially if you aren't feeling well on what you have.

 

As I say that...I'm staring down a pile of laundry that has already formed because I lollygagged putting away the other load 😩

 

That's right... I have more to do than I have energy to do it with. But eating junk instead of cooking lowers my available energy, so I need to shuffle some things around and have a think about what/how to prioritise. Ah, laundry. It's actually something I like because there's nothing dirty or sticky and no scrubbing or bending down. One doesn't like getting one's paws wet. 

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14 hours ago, Harriet said:

I felt really scattered today. My breaks were as long as my writing sets. I did 3 (total 1:57) and a bunch of sketching/painting. I went for a walk. That's about it. I don't think eating junk food is doing much for my energy. I should get back to grocery shopping and cooking. I thought I wanted to eat protein shakes and cheese sticks, but now I feel slightly sick. I just... I'm going to need more energy to fit in the shopping and cooking alongside writing, painting, taekwondo and lifting and a decent amount of loitering on NF and sitting in the Gremlin cave listening to music and emitting slight growls.
 

Here's a one-minute sketch and a five-minute sketch from today's Figuary session. Obviously, one minute is not a long time, so it definitely exposes your weaknesses.

 

  Reveal hidden contents

IMG_7481.JPG.6e14d204b5cd2fe5c012796ed0ba5653.JPGIMG_7482.JPG.5c60bc400ace97a8a024d7ed123ee09d.JPG

 

I also painted a portrait. I am struggling to get them right and not draw what I expect to see, rather than what is there. Oh well. Practice. I bet if I did thirty of these I'd learn something.

 

  Reveal hidden contents

selfie3.thumb.jpg.4d47e892267541b3c2e1ccbe4a1ecee6.jpg

 

I really like a lot of the motion and shading in those quick sketches actually. That portrait is really really nice!

 

I've used store pickup before when shopping would be too time or energy consuming and I would likely have defaulted to eating whatever was convenient. It costs $5 here, and added bonus I wind up sticking to my list instead of finding things that are either shiny or sweet that find their way mysteriously into my cart... Usually to to tune of more than $5

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1 hour ago, NightWatcher13 said:

I really like a lot of the motion and shading in those quick sketches actually. That portrait is really really nice!

 

I've used store pickup before when shopping would be too time or energy consuming and I would likely have defaulted to eating whatever was convenient. It costs $5 here, and added bonus I wind up sticking to my list instead of finding things that are either shiny or sweet that find their way mysteriously into my cart... Usually to to tune of more than $5

 

Thank you!

I guess the energy-intensive part of grocery shopping is actually walking to the shops, and more importantly, walking back with the groceries in my backpack. So pick up wouldn't change much for me, I think. 

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Can you have the groceries delivered? 

 

20 hours ago, Harriet said:

For reference, here are some one or two minute sketches, I think. Some I was like "Oh yeah, that'll do" and some, like the last, I was like "wut. why u betray me, hand?"

 

Thanks for showing those! Gives a bit more insight into the process :) 

 

Really love the second portrait, so much emotion in it. 

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