RedStone Revisits Her Spawn Coordinates

[nianjufe]

[RedStone]

Got back from our weekend away yesterday and I was absolutely exhausted. The weekend started really strong, I'm predominantly extroverted and all the social events were great, but somewhere during the actual party Saturday night my self esteem tanked and bled into Sunday along with absolute exhaustion. After talking it out with some friends, I gave it a name (I've always known I've had confidence issues but somehow never used the term self esteem - and for whatever reason, this description is giving me direction for mental work to start dealing with. Much of my issue boils down to not feeling worthy of self care.) 

 

So this morning I set the alarm an hour early and started the day with my go-to morning routine: some movement - flows and hip stuff, and a guided meditation, this time centered around self esteem. I didn't love this particular meditation but will continue trying some until I find something I like.

 

It's also pretty clear that I need to get away from the mindless social media scroll and am starting to think about alternative options for taking in content - rss type readers or some such. Or maybe I just need to be reading more, we're swimming in books after all! I'm open to suggestions for readers or methodology.

 

Here's a mental list of alternative activities to the scroll:

-read books

-craft (WIP knitting, cross stitch, mandala stones)

-read better content on line (science articles, art stuff)

-movies and tv (actually watch)

 

One wonderful thing that hapenned over the weekend was that I got to try axe throwing for the first time - there's a place near my parents that I've had my eye on and IT. WAS. AMAZING! We hapenned to be there on a tournament night, so I got to try it but also watch the experts do their thing, and I absolutely want to get involved in that community if possible. The closest place to me atm is over an hour away, but one of the bowling/arcade venues near here is starting soon. I reached out and asked if they'll be doing league stuff. I really love hitting targets, it's so satisfying! Here's my clutch shot for the night  

 

 

 

I've been feeling kinda meh on meat lately so we're doing all vegetarian this week to see if I feel better. I also have my last meeting with the editor this week, so it's kind of nice to almost be done with that!

 

Monday onwards HO  

 

[RedStone]

oh, and a few other details - had some breakfast early today despite not being hungry. The last few months I've been having my first meal at around 11 or 12 and it was fine, but lately I notice I get really really hungry midday and end up scarfing that first meal without much mindfulness, so i'm taking initiative to avoid that complication - a good example of gentle nutrition beyond the - eat when you're hungry - aspect of IE.

 

As far as my hip goes, I've had issues in that area since a bad deadlift injury 3 years ago. Maintenance for that area involves a lot of stretching the psoas as well as spinal alignment for my SI joint which got stuck to one side. I'm hoping to avoid soft tissue work and it is getting better with my normal flair up maintenance, so we shall see!

[Jupiter]

1 hour ago, RedStone said:

It's also pretty clear that I need to get away from the mindless social media scroll and am starting to think about alternative options for taking in content - rss type readers or some such. Or maybe I just need to be reading more, we're swimming in books after all! I'm open to suggestions for readers or methodology.

 

Here's a mental list of alternative activities to the scroll:

-read books

-craft (WIP knitting, cross stitch, mandala stones)

-read better content on line (science articles, art stuff)

-movies and tv (actually watch)

 

I noticed I was doing the same thing and I switched to doing more reading. Looks like you've got a good alternative list going, nice job.  

 

1 hour ago, RedStone said:

One wonderful thing that hapenned over the weekend was that I got to try axe throwing for the first time - there's a place near my parents that I've had my eye on and IT. WAS. AMAZING! We hapenned to be there on a tournament night, so I got to try it but also watch the experts do their thing, and I absolutely want to get involved in that community if possible. The closest place to me atm is over an hour away, but one of the bowling/arcade venues near here is starting soon. I reached out and asked if they'll be doing league stuff. I really love hitting targets, it's so satisfying! Here's my clutch shot for the night  

 

Oh that sounds so fun! And nice clutch shot!

 

[Harriet]

1 hour ago, RedStone said:

One wonderful thing that hapenned over the weekend was that I got to try axe throwing for the first time - there's a place near my parents that I've had my eye on and IT. WAS. AMAZING!

 

AWESOME! What could be better than throwing a (traditional dwarven) weapon around! Let the wooden board take the brunt of your raaaage. 

Sorry about the self-esteem thing.. I guess it's good that you have identified it and can now work on it. I think you are worthy of care. 

[Scaly Freak]

1 hour ago, RedStone said:

One wonderful thing that hapenned over the weekend was that I got to try axe throwing for the first time - there's a place near my parents that I've had my eye on and IT. WAS. AMAZING!

 

I did axe throwing too!

 

At my insistent request, we decided to relax and celebrate my birthday on Sunday, just the two of us with no friends or family, because I wanted a stress-free event. Thinking that it would be fun to go out and do something together Husband booked us an hour at a local axe throwing place, and we had a blast. Visualizing the source of my stress standing in front of the target, and throw an sharp weapon at them, was quite therapeutic. Bonus points to the axe room for playing Black Sabbath, Scorpions, Van Halen, and other great music while we were there as well.

 

I hope we go back at some point.  

[Scaly Freak]

12 minutes ago, Harriet said:

AWESOME! What could be better than throwing a (traditional dwarven) weapon around! Let the wooden board take the brunt of your raaaage. 

 

LOL

 

I actually thought of you when they gave me the axe. "Harriet needs to try this!"

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

One of the things that was helpful for me in working on self-esteem was a journaling exercise where every day I started with an affirming prompt and went from there. The therapist working with me at the time said the prompt was all that was needed for "Full Credit" on the exercise, but I invariably wrote more. The prompt we came up with was based on the therapist asking what my favorite animal was and why. When I said what I liked about the animal, sure enough they were tributes I wanted for myself. It ended up being, "I am a [name of animal]. I am a good [I used "Man" here but obviously some will want another noun]. That was it. Over time the sheer act of writing it out every day reprogrammed some of the tapes in my head and how I automatically talk about myself. Not the whole solution, but for sure a helpful piece of the puzzle.

[RedStone]

4 hours ago, Jupiter said:

 

I noticed I was doing the same thing and I switched to doing more reading. Looks like you've got a good alternative list going, nice job.  

 

 

I just have to remember to use it lol 😂I'll probably incorporate it into the next challenge 😀

 

Quote

Oh that sounds so fun! And nice clutch shot!

 

 

3 hours ago, Harriet said:

 

AWESOME! What could be better than throwing a (traditional dwarven) weapon around! Let the wooden board take the brunt of your raaaage. 

 

 

I really loved it, and love the idea of doing it for sport. Setting up a regulation lane at home seems excessive at this point but it sure is tempting...

 

 

3 hours ago, Scalyfreak said:

 

I did axe throwing too!

 

 

Happy birthday!!

 

 

Quote

Sorry about the self-esteem thing.. I guess it's good that you have identified it and can now work on it. I think you are worthy of care. 

 

1 hour ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

One of the things that was helpful for me in working on self-esteem was a journaling exercise where every day I started with an affirming prompt and went from there. The therapist working with me at the time said the prompt was all that was needed for "Full Credit" on the exercise, but I invariably wrote more. The prompt we came up with was based on the therapist asking what my favorite animal was and why. When I said what I liked about the animal, sure enough they were tributes I wanted for myself. It ended up being, "I am a [name of animal]. I am a good [I used "Man" here but obviously some will want another noun]. That was it. Over time the sheer act of writing it out every day reprogrammed some of the tapes in my head and how I automatically talk about myself. Not the whole solution, but for sure a helpful piece of the puzzle.

 

That sounds like a fun and good prompt! I wouldn't be surprised if I ended up with a journaling plan and will keep this in mind! 

 

I do like having a focus to work on, it will bring some clarity to the process for sure.

 

_____

 

Humble brag, I tested out of another module today with a higher score than last time  3 more to go!

[Harriet]

6 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

One of the things that was helpful for me in working on self-esteem was a journaling exercise where every day I started with an affirming prompt and went from there. The therapist working with me at the time said the prompt was all that was needed for "Full Credit" on the exercise, but I invariably wrote more. The prompt we came up with was based on the therapist asking what my favorite animal was and why. When I said what I liked about the animal, sure enough they were tributes I wanted for myself. It ended up being, "I am a [name of animal]. I am a good [I used "Man" here but obviously some will want another noun]. That was it. Over time the sheer act of writing it out every day reprogrammed some of the tapes in my head and how I automatically talk about myself. Not the whole solution, but for sure a helpful piece of the puzzle.

Oooh, interesting. I'm trying to imagine how this would work in more detail.  I like honey badgers because they take what they want. I like hummingbirds because they are metallic and move in an unusual way. I like cats because they are soft to touch and they make pleasing sounds by vibrating. Hmm... This isn't working as I expected. I guess I admire animals for things that don't really apply to humans? 

[Scaly Freak]

8 minutes ago, Harriet said:

 I like honey badgers because they take what they want are assertive

 

8 minutes ago, Harriet said:

I like hummingbirds because they are metallic and move in an unusual way  just move however they want to without worrying about it

 

8 minutes ago, Harriet said:

I like cats because they are soft to touch and they make pleasing sounds by vibrating openly affectionate without being shy about it

 

There you go. At least, that's why I like those same animals.  

[Doe]

12 hours ago, RedStone said:

 

It's also pretty clear that I need to get away from the mindless social media scroll and am starting to think about alternative options for taking in content - rss type readers or some such. Or maybe I just need to be reading more, we're swimming in books after all! I'm open to suggestions for readers or methodology.

You and me both. Social media can be a dumpster fire 

[RedStone]

12 hours ago, Doe said:

You and me both. Social media can be a dumpster fire 

 

HAHA RIGHT??? The last few nights and last week I guess of sitting and trying to do other stuff definitely gave me - get a life - vibes, but in the best way. Kinda more like, get back to your own life, do the things you love. Last night I closed my laptop and watched several episodes of cake wars at full attention, Mr Red and I had our running commentary and the themes were minecraft, lego, kung fu panda 3... AHmazing.

 

_____

 

Executive decision to walk this week instead of run as per hip attention. Maybe I'll go for a jog at the end of the week, but I really need to get my biped on and it would be good for me to get out of the house.

 

This morning's self esteem mediation was lacking once again and I'm going to take @Tanktimus the Encourager cue on journalling. On first google I found a ton of journal prompts and like the idea of working through it rather than listening to someone sleepily tell me to be nice to myself. I'll go back to my usual centering meditation for morning instead. Not sure how I feel about the animal prompt, if I were an animal, I would be a dragon. Dragons are moody loners that rage at anyone trying to get close to their piles of meaningless treasures. They're also tremendous and powerful and extremely beautiful. I think this prompt would take a lot to untangle in a positive way 😂🐉It probably doesn't help that I use the same animal I've identified with since my very moody and affected adolescence... maybe I need a new animal.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

28 minutes ago, RedStone said:

 

This morning's self esteem mediation was lacking once again and I'm going to take @Tanktimus the Encourager cue on journalling. On first google I found a ton of journal prompts and like the idea of working through it rather than listening to someone sleepily tell me to be nice to myself. I'll go back to my usual centering meditation for morning instead. Not sure how I feel about the animal prompt, if I were an animal, I would be a dragon. Dragons are moody loners that rage at anyone trying to get close to their piles of meaningless treasures. They're also tremendous and powerful and extremely beautiful. I think this prompt would take a lot to untangle in a positive way 😂🐉It probably doesn't help that I use the same animal I've identified with since my very moody and affected adolescence... maybe I need a new animal

If you like dragons, go with dragons. Focus on the aspects you want to emulate, and no analogy is perfect. (Plus dragons are awesome). Nothing wrong with a new animal either, but if Dragon does it for you stick with dragon.

[Scaly Freak]

2 hours ago, RedStone said:

Not sure how I feel about the animal prompt, if I were an animal, I would be a dragon. Dragons are moody loners that rage at anyone trying to get close to their piles of meaningless treasures. They're also tremendous and powerful and extremely beautiful.

 

And they breathe fire, and they can eat their enemies if they so choose.

 

I love dragons.  

[KB Girl]

Dragons come in all sorts of types! And they can evolve  

[Jupiter]

10 hours ago, RedStone said:

I would be a dragon. Dragons are moody loners that rage at anyone trying to get close to their piles of meaningless treasures. They're also tremendous and powerful and extremely beautiful. I think this prompt would take a lot to untangle in a positive way 😂🐉It probably doesn't help that I use the same animal I've identified with since my very moody and affected adolescence... maybe I need a new animal.

 

Agree with Tank, dragons are awesome! I've read a few fantasy stories where dragons are portrayed as majestic and wise, so....  

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

[mitch_dee]

23 hours ago, RedStone said:

It probably doesn't help that I use the same animal I've identified with since my very moody and affected adolescence... maybe I need a new animal.

A new animal is your choice, but to echo everyone else, dragons are pretty much the best!!!

 

23 hours ago, RedStone said:

I would be a dragon. Dragons are moody loners that rage at anyone trying to get close to their piles of meaningless treasures. They're also tremendous and powerful and extremely beautiful.

These are just a few of the ways dragons are portrayed.  Throughout human history the dragon has held a place of legend and lore in so many cultures that it can't truly be tied a few solid aspects of "what makes a dragon".  Their portrayal is as varied as the cultures of humanity are....from powerful and god like, to frail and deceptive; signs of luck and prosperity, or the sign of impending doom; the keepers of wisdom and knowledge, as foolish as a jester; charitable and giving or as the misers of gold and treasure (I could go on and on). 

 

Maybe it's not a new animal you need, but maybe a new viewpoint or understanding of how the dragon has evolved and changed with you.  

[Scaly Freak]

1 hour ago, mitch_dee said:

Throughout human history the dragon has held a place of legend and lore in so many cultures that it can't truly be tied a few solid aspects of "what makes a dragon".  Their portrayal is as varied as the cultures of humanity are....from powerful and god like, to frail and deceptive; signs of luck and prosperity, or the sign of impending doom; the keepers of wisdom and knowledge, as foolish as a jester; charitable and giving or as the misers of gold and treasure (I could go on and on). 

 

Maybe it's not a new animal you need, but maybe a new viewpoint or understanding of how the dragon has evolved and changed with you.  

 

And this is why I love dragons. Because they can be exaclty what we want or need them to be.

 

Very well said!

[Rookie]

 

On 3/2/2020 at 9:13 AM, RedStone said:

It's also pretty clear that I need to get away from the mindless social media scroll and am starting to think about alternative options for taking in content - rss type readers or some such. Or maybe I just need to be reading more, we're swimming in books after all! I'm open to suggestions for readers or methodology.

Ohh me too. 😕 I find myself stuck in a loop -checks facebook, checks NF, checks pinterest, checks instagram- repeat. I just haven't felt like reading or I don't know if I have enough time to start to really get into something. But that loop does not make me happy so maybe also something I should address.

 

On 3/2/2020 at 9:13 AM, RedStone said:

One wonderful thing that hapenned over the weekend was that I got to try axe throwing for the first time - there's a place near my parents that I've had my eye on and IT. WAS. AMAZING! We hapenned to be there on a tournament night, so I got to try it but also watch the experts do their thing, and I absolutely want to get involved in that community if possible. The closest place to me atm is over an hour away, but one of the bowling/arcade venues near here is starting soon. I reached out and asked if they'll be doing league stuff. I really love hitting targets, it's so satisfying! Here's my clutch shot for the night  

Ohhhhh congrats! I found ax throwing way harder then I thought it would be 😮 The 2 times I have gone, I found the girls seemed to have an easier time then the guys. I was either amazzzzing or couldn't get the ax to stick T_T lol That clutch shot is amazing 

 

[Scaly Freak]

1 hour ago, Rookie said:

Ohh me too. 😕 I find myself stuck in a loop -checks facebook, checks NF, checks pinterest, checks instagram- repeat. I just haven't felt like reading or I don't know if I have enough time to start to really get into something. But that loop does not make me happy so maybe also something I should address.

 

Since I use my social media to stay in contact with people and things that matter to me, it used to make me happy. Then there were politics, and now it makes my anxiety want to come out an play. 

 

Does anyone know how to filter the Facebook feed so everything that mentions politics is auto-hidden? 🤐

[RedStone]

On 3/3/2020 at 10:51 AM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

If you like dragons, go with dragons. Focus on the aspects you want to emulate, and no analogy is perfect. (Plus dragons are awesome). Nothing wrong with a new animal either, but if Dragon does it for you stick with dragon.

 

On 3/3/2020 at 12:27 PM, Scalyfreak said:

 

And they breathe fire, and they can eat their enemies if they so choose.

 

I love dragons.  

 

21 hours ago, KB Girl said:

Dragons come in all sorts of types! And they can evolve  

 

18 hours ago, Jupiter said:

 

Agree with Tank, dragons are awesome! I've read a few fantasy stories where dragons are portrayed as majestic and wise, so....  

 

16 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

 

5 hours ago, mitch_dee said:

A new animal is your choice, but to echo everyone else, dragons are pretty much the best!!!

 

These are just a few of the ways dragons are portrayed.  Throughout human history the dragon has held a place of legend and lore in so many cultures that it can't truly be tied a few solid aspects of "what makes a dragon".  Their portrayal is as varied as the cultures of humanity are....from powerful and god like, to frail and deceptive; signs of luck and prosperity, or the sign of impending doom; the keepers of wisdom and knowledge, as foolish as a jester; charitable and giving or as the misers of gold and treasure (I could go on and on). 

 

Maybe it's not a new animal you need, but maybe a new viewpoint or understanding of how the dragon has evolved and changed with you.  

 

I do love dragons. Maybe a good exercise would be to go backwards... list out all the things I want to feel like and then back into how dragons facilitate this. 

 

3 hours ago, Rookie said:

 

Ohh me too. 😕 I find myself stuck in a loop -checks facebook, checks NF, checks pinterest, checks instagram- repeat. I just haven't felt like reading or I don't know if I have enough time to start to really get into something. But that loop does not make me happy so maybe also something I should address.

 

Ohhhhh congrats! I found ax throwing way harder then I thought it would be 😮 The 2 times I have gone, I found the girls seemed to have an easier time then the guys. I was either amazzzzing or couldn't get the ax to stick T_T lol That clutch shot is amazing 

 

 

It was indeed wonky and hit or miss (literally) and I've never been great at performance consistency ever, so it would be cool to sort of work towards that! I definitely enjoyed it enough, from the actions down to the surroundings, that I could see myself putting in the time that would take! 

 

1 hour ago, Scalyfreak said:

 

Since I use my social media to stay in contact with people and things that matter to me, it used to make me happy. Then there were politics, and now it makes my anxiety want to come out an play. 

 

Does anyone know how to filter the Facebook feed so everything that mentions politics is auto-hidden? 🤐

 

Yeah, messenger is really my main draw and was the only thing I used it for once upon a time. The best I can offer in terms of curating the feed is hiding and blocking the bad stuff so that the algorithm learns what you want to see but it isn'r fool proof. I follow and interact with a lot of my interest groups to encourage that - puppies, crafts, garage sale finds, (now axe throwing) so that helps a bit. 

 

_____

 

So this week has been tough. Since the weekend, my overall mood has not improved. I've been crying a lot, which is good... last week I cried pretty hard for the first time in a long time - I don't let myself cry hard because my eyes get really baggy the next day and that's a dumb reason for holding it all in. I'm trying not to let something silly like that keep me from my emotions.

 

I haven't had a completetly drink free day yet this week. I had one glass of wine on Monday, ok, whatever, not a big deal, but last night I didn't just have one bourbon. It hit me hard and I'm feeling like a mental and physical shell today. I did not do any morning routine and ran stressful errands with a heavy heart. I'm feeling a bit better after a blowout with my mom and eventually having a solid confrontation/talk/airing of needs, and in general feeling more prepared for whatever lies ahead. I'm most concerned about keeping it together for Saturday's self defense workshop, but in general I have a good relationship with public speaking and should be able to show up in a confident manner despite the stuff going on.

 

I do feel more ready to work with my wrist, I experimented with some KB cleans while demoing for a client last night and it felt solid enough. It's not the exact same movement as the barbell clean I sprained it with, but a good sign for a weighted (though relatively light) rotation in the joint. Holding dumbbells is getting more manageable and I'm regaining dexterity in my left hand with practice. Now all I have to do is get back to a routine... easy, right? 😳but I will. Goal for the challenge still stands with 2 strength workouts this week, still unsure about running. 

 

And for no reason, I'll share this amazing video. Last night I discovered a youtube channel where this guy reviews military MREs (meals ready to eat) from around the world. Some new from present day, and plenty of vintage ones - I watched in horror as he ate crackers from a tin dating to 1942! I may be a little enamored. I watched a fair few last night and a few this morning. It's oddly wholesome and kind of incredibly funny in a weird dry way. 

 

 

 

 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

1 hour ago, RedStone said:

 

I do love dragons. Maybe a good exercise would be to go backwards... list out all the things I want to feel like and then back into how dragons facilitate this.

I heartily endorse this. 

 

I'm glad you were able to let out those tears. It really is better than holding them in. In the long run anyway. 

[mitch_dee]

1 hour ago, RedStone said:

And for no reason, I'll share this amazing video. Last night I discovered a youtube channel where this guy reviews military MREs (meals ready to eat) from around the world. Some new from present day, and plenty of vintage ones - I watched in horror as he ate crackers from a tin dating to 1942! I may be a little enamored. I watched a fair few last night and a few this morning. It's oddly wholesome and kind of incredibly funny in a weird dry way. 

I will now be bingeing on this channel.  I loved MRE's as a kid, PopsDee and I would always take them when we went on week long walkabout trips in NZ...a fishing pole, black powder rifle and 3 MRE's each; for in case you didn't catch or kill your own food that day.  Now I need to order some....Thanks!!!!

 

Sidenote: The old MRE packs (from the '70's and '80's) had a heat stone that contained magnesium in them, so if you cooked a 2 peoples meals on one stone you could use the extra stone for a variety of things (mainly a small pressurized explosive when combined with water and a seal-able container....lol