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starsapart

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On 3/13/2020 at 4:23 PM, KB Girl said:

Sorry for your loss! 

 

Glad you’re mostly glad about the show cancelling.. these things are sad but probably for the best 😕

Rest and recover this weekend! 

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm really sad, and the multiple factors that have hit me recently have been very bad for my mental health, but I understand it's for the best. I did get some rest, at least!

 

20 hours ago, sylph said:

This is smart of them. And I'm happy for you so that you can (hopefully) take a little time to recover. ❤️

 

 

 

Sorry to hear about your great uncle

 

Thanks so much. ❤️

 

 

 

 

This last week has been a blur of Too Many Things. Nutrition definitely went out the window, and I haven't exercised since dress rehearsal on Thursday (though to be fair, considering how overtrained I was, this is probably a good thing). All my goals have been put on hold, but let's see if I can scrounge up an update on life for you guys.

 

We've been sitting at home since Friday, minus two outings to the store. Friday morning, we went to our local grocery store, which was an insane experience (1.5 hour lines, all nonperishables and cleaning supplies and of course TP but also baby wipes sold out). We bought a lot of frozen food (I think it's pretty unlikely the electric grid is going to go dark, doomsday preppers) and some fruit that's got a chance of lasting (apples, oranges, etc). Frozen vegetables were completely sold out... same with pasta and rice, but we have flour and I am married to a baker. Maybe we'll learn to bake bread together? Anyway, I sent @stillskies and starlet home while I stayed in line, and ended up getting a ride home from the very kind older lady in front of me. We had some really nice conversation and she told me all about her gay son who doesn't know how to meet other queer people because he came out in his forties. I gave her my phone number and told her to have him call me if he wants. Weird how these sorts of things bring communities together, isn't it? I never would have spoken to her otherwise.

 

Naturally (because timing is always excellent, right?), @stillskiessister and cousin are in town from California and were coming from their Airbnb to stay with us as of Friday afternoon, so we've actually had four adults + a baby in the house. This makes me extremely nervous to go to a funeral today, as I've been sharing breathing space with people who have recently been through an airport. They don't feel sick and neither do I, but if they happened to be carriers and I'm now asymptomatic and about to be in a room with a bunch of elderly people who are going to want to hug me.... nightmare. I think I might actually have a mask buried somewhere from back when we had Perpetually Sick Nanny, and I might wear it to try to minimize the risk that I might inadvertently infect someone, just in case I'm sick. Sigh.

 

The second outing was on Pi Day, when my sister-in-law and I decided we needed to get some pie. We went to our local Whole Foods, which was miraculously pretty well stocked (protip: go somewhere expensive; even the meat counter wasn't empty, and they had soap!). The moment we got home, all the clothes we'd worn out went into the wash and we scrubbed down thoroughly, which we felt was the best we could do, given the circumstances.

 

Aside from that, we've been at home, doing a ton of housework, watching movies after the baby is in bed, playing a few card games, doing a little reading, going on a walk once. My body feels significantly better than it did, and even my wrist is finally recovering (silver lining?). I think I'm going to resume exercise soon. Thankfully, I have the weight setup in my basement, and the weather is nice enough some days to use my rig too... though the studio has my lyra, sigh. I may have to go get that because the gym is staying open, for better or worse. I know they're a small business so I bought their biggest available class pack for use later, but I probably shouldn't be going to classes. Worst case, I still have my silks here.

 

Let's see, what else... my mental health is pretty poor at present, but I'm trying to stay as positive as possible. Guests leave tomorrow, so following their departure, I need to try to get back into the nutrition and exercise habit, even if I'm so depressed that I'd rather just sleep and eat ice cream. Sigh.

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Big hugs.

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8 minutes ago, raptron said:

Big hugs.

 

hugging-gif-cartoon-6.gif

 

At the eleventh hour, it was decided (by my father) that I should stay home and not attend the funeral. Again, I'm sad-but-glad and mostly just down, but at least if anyone gets sick at this thing, it won't be my doing.

 

Just trying to deal with VRBO cancellations at the condo now. Airbnb is being awesome (no-penalty cancellations for both guests AND hosts) but VRBO is making hosts eat the cost of pandemic-related cancellations AND is making it really hard to dispute the cancellation dinging our property ranking. What a catastrophe, on top of everything else, we've now got a mortgage to pay on the rental property and no renters to offset the cost.

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On 3/16/2020 at 4:38 PM, starsapart said:

Weird how these sorts of things bring communities together, isn't it? I never would have spoken to her otherwise.

Yea also awesome, nice of you ❤️ 

 

Body feeling better is definitely a silver lining.. and hopefully picking exercise back up will help with your mental health! it's ok though, to not be ok. you can be not ok for a while 😘 

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On 3/16/2020 at 12:02 PM, Mad Hatter said:

ALL THE HUGS!

 

tenor.gif

 

18 hours ago, sylph said:

That's really REALLY shitty.

 

It super duper is. Now they have an announcement on their site that they will waive cancellation penalties for hosts (how NICE when we're still holding the financial burden!), yet my dashboard still shows the ding. They have no customer service chat and their phone lines have a 1+ hour wait so... I'm waiting to fight this until sometime when I have emotional energy, which is decidedly not now.

 

7 minutes ago, KB Girl said:

Yea also awesome, nice of you ❤️ 

 

Body feeling better is definitely a silver lining.. and hopefully picking exercise back up will help with your mental health! it's ok though, to not be ok. you can be not ok for a while 😘 

 

I want to support my fellow rainbow unicorns! It's not always easy being LGBTQ+, so we need to stick together, right?

 

Anyway, I know it's okay not to be okay, but as a card carrying extrovert, the social isolation is going to pull me under into a place where I can't be an effective parent or worker, if I'm not careful. I'm trying to proactively address my mental state before it gets so bad that I need outside help (that I can't get right now).

 

 

 

 

That said, things are... okayish today? There have been rumors going around about airport closures and travel restrictions, so we managed to get our guests out a day early (thankfully, they were able to change their flight and get out without issue). They're home just in time for the Bay Area to impose shelter in place restrictions - so basically, they got out just in time. Yay, foresight!

 

We had a nice walk around the block yesterday. We cute.

I went back to work from my half-time bereavement today, and it actually felt pretty okay. I had a few calls this morning, then took a break to do a massive baby play room overhaul and toy swap out, since she's getting bored with everything she owns and I usually feel emotionally better after cleaning and organizing. The play room looks great now, and it's different enough that she was having fun exploring again! We struggle with not putting out too many toys, but I think we've got a good selection out for her now that's pretty well curated, and we'll swap some of the others in and out weekly. I used to do this more consistently, and it's really time to pick it up again. At the very least, we can combat starlet's cabin fever even if there's not much to be done about mine. My best plan so far is to come up with a daily project for myself to complete (today was the playroom reorg) and do some heavy duty spring cleaning.

 

This afternoon is going to be interesting. We have a video call scheduled with starlet's birth mama and her family, and it's our first one ever. We've been in touch via text and sending regular photos, but we haven't actually all seen each other live since starlet was a week old. I'm glad for the opportunity to connect with them, but also understandably nervous.

 

I'm back on the IF and tracking wagon as of today. Might be a vegetarian day, though I'm struggling as chickpeas are sold out everywhere and tofu isn't exactly shelf stable. Actually, pretty concerned about the lack of veg in my fridge and freezer generally... all the frozen stuff was sold out when we last braved the store, and I'm not sure what to do about it. 😕 We definitely won't go hungry even if we avoid stores for a few weeks (we have lots of frozen meals, frozen meat, and pasta), but I'm concerned about getting a good nutritional balance. Sigh.

 

Finally, I am lowkey worrying about my parents who are now both! Sick! They both have lots of congestion and no cough or fever, so I think it's just nasty colds, but they don't have anyone there with them and all I can do is video call them regularly and pester them to stay home.

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A daily project is a great idea :)

 

1 hour ago, starsapart said:

This afternoon is going to be interesting. We have a video call scheduled with starlet's birth mama and her family, and it's our first one ever. We've been in touch via text and sending regular photos, but we haven't actually all seen each other live since starlet was a week old. I'm glad for the opportunity to connect with them, but also understandably nervous.

 

Hope this goes well! 

 

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Main Quest: becoming a decent kettlebell lifter and a great coach

Current challenge: KB Girl dusts off her competition skills

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1 hour ago, KB Girl said:

Hope this goes well! 

 

 

51 minutes ago, sylph said:

Good luck with the birth-mama meet. Ya'll are good people, so I know it'll be fine, even if it feels weird.

 

It was nice. She was clearly trying not to show how emotional she was feeling, and I really wanted to hug her, but I'm glad she has her family all around her, and I hope we can talk again soon. starlet cheerfully showed off her crawling, babbling, and phone-stealing skills.

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Oh, good. Glad it went well and it sounds like you're finding good things at home to dedicate time and focus to. ❤️ 

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Yesterday was nutritionally pretty good, despite frozen pasta for dinner. I managed a deficit, IF, and veggie day, though if SOMEPLACE doesn't friggin' restock chickpeas soon, I'm going to be in trouble.

 

@stillskies went to work last night, because Barnes & Noble is absolutely not going to close until/unless forced. Talking to her after her shift really brought home to me the fact that I live in an echo chamber. Reading my social media gives me the sense that everyone is staying home and being responsible and everything is going to be fine and we're going to weather the storm just fine. But apparently, the bookstore was crammed full of people last night, including elderly people, and no one seemed to care about a thing. It's wild. Thankfully, she has no more bookstore shifts for at least the next two weeks, as she was able to get her manager to give her hours to people who need the income. In two weeks, either things will be under control (less likely) or nonessential stores will have to close by mandate (more likely).

 

Since she was out anyway, she stopped at Target (since it's next to BN) and brought me some much appreciated SALADS. Still no frozen vegetables anywhere, but at least there's fresh produce... though it does involve going out more. Sigh.

 

Thinking about ordering Chinese food tonight or some other night this week (and asking the delivery driver to just leave it on the porch). Apparently, Asian-owned businesses are taking the most profound of beatings, because of course, because racism, because the disaster-in-chief isn't helping with his "Chinese virus" tweets, because this country is this country. Sigh.

 

Today's project is washing and air-drying the down comforter (before the snow descends tomorrow) and deep-cleaning the bathrooms because our housekeeper will not be coming this month.

 

Also, consider this an open invitation to any and all of you who would be interested in video chats via WhatsApp or FB Messenger, because I'm a sad extrovert who needs conversations with a variety of other people to feel okay.

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Duuude. You should have told me you were back here for this challenge to get me back on here sooner. HIIIIIIIII :D

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Just now, dancezwithkittehz said:

Duuude. You should have told me you were back here for this challenge to get me back on here sooner. HIIIIIIIII :D

 

EXCUSE ME I DID TELL YOU???? I am like 90% sure I did! I came back two challenges ago! JOIN MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

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Just now, starsapart said:

 

EXCUSE ME I DID TELL YOU???? I am like 90% sure I did! I came back two challenges ago! JOIN MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

 

YOU DID NOOOOT. Or you did and I forgot but I think you probably didn't because I SO would have been on that. Trying to decide if making a challenge for like 2 days makes sense or if I should just plan for the next one. hahahahahahaha.  My forum GIF game is going to be so off 😭

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Just now, dancezwithkittehz said:

 

YOU DID NOOOOT. Or you did and I forgot but I think you probably didn't because I SO would have been on that. Trying to decide if making a challenge for like 2 days makes sense or if I should just plan for the next one. hahahahahahaha.  My forum GIF game is going to be so off 😭

 

I mean I came back in like December and I think I mentioned to you in one of our hangouts chats that I was planning to do a challenge, buuuuuuuuuuuuuuut maybe I am remembering wrong, the days all blur together, what month is it, who am I, etc etc etc... I think the new forums might come up by the weekend soooooo maybe putter around on other people's threads and then hop on at zero week? Use this time to improve your gif game?

 

giphy.gif

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1 minute ago, starsapart said:

 

I mean I came back in like December and I think I mentioned to you in one of our hangouts chats that I was planning to do a challenge, buuuuuuuuuuuuuuut maybe I am remembering wrong, the days all blur together, what month is it, who am I, etc etc etc... I think the new forums might come up by the weekend soooooo maybe putter around on other people's threads and then hop on at zero week? Use this time to improve your gif game?

 

giphy.gif

 

What day is it? Where are we? What is this? WHAT WHY AAAAAH. It only took me two days to hit extreme extrovert not enough peopling madness.

giphy.gif

 

 I definitely need to practice my GIF-ing. And figure out what the hell goals to have. Lifting is mostly a no but my trainer at least let m borrow one of his kettlebells so I can do some things.

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2 minutes ago, dancezwithkittehz said:

What day is it? Where are we? What is this? WHAT WHY AAAAAH. It only took me two days to hit extreme extrovert not enough peopling madness.

giphy.gif

 

 I definitely need to practice my GIF-ing. And figure out what the hell goals to have. Lifting is mostly a no but my trainer at least let m borrow one of his kettlebells so I can do some things.

 

I feel the extrovert pain IN MY SOUL. We can have another video chat and figure out challenge goals maybe???

 

 

 

 

 

So anyhow, yesterday I did not have a deficit, because I ordered Chinese takeout. starlet enjoyed her chicken lo mein very much.

 

i-regret-nothing-gif-18.gif

 

I would have managed the IF, but I had virtual teatime with a friend at 8pm and had the last of my stashed Toblerone at that time. Today is a new day, etc. The comforter got done. I didn't do the bathrooms, but I did the kitchen instead.

 

Also, I was saying I'd take a week off exercise after the show, which turned into a week off after dress rehearsal, which was last Thursday (even though it feels like 15 years ago, am I alone in that???). That means I will probably try to lift today.

 

I think today's big project is to create a weekly schedule that includes exercise, a chore chart by day, scheduled times for virtual chats with friends and/or virtual playdates for starlet, and at least one weekly date night where my wife and I hang out as a couple and do a puzzle or watch a movie or something. I'm also thinking about goals for next challenge now, which will hopefully allow me to create the schedule in a way that helps me keep up with them, because let's be honest... this challenge I basically up and quit halfway.

 

Also, everyone please appreciate this article, which can be your dose of levity for the day amidst loads of terrible news.

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That sounds like  solid plan on goal type things! I think I definitely need to schedule in my stuff for sanity.

 

I'm trying to make lots of video chat plans and I am so down. Lets do the thiiiing. And heeeeey my new phone should handle that way better than the old one, so silver lining to my accidentally killing my phone yesterday? Hahahahahaha.

 

Without constant interruption from students coming in for advising my days are sooooo long and quiet. And I'm missing out on all the yay people goodness I usually get. SADNESSS.

 

 

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I did not lift yesterday, because I had work while starlet was napping, and after work it was feed baby dinner, play as a family, get baby to bed, have a long-overdue date night. Date night options are obviously severely limited these days. We played Heads Up, which I recommend anyone who's stuck with another adult (or an older kid who reads well) download. It's basically charades for two (or more) with the assistance of a mobile phone, and we actually had a great time. I think I laughed more last night than I have in a week. We also did make a loose schedule (to hopefully firm up over the next few days), so that's good.

 

Mental health stuff under cut.

Spoiler

My anxiety disorder is definitely trying its best to defeat me. Anytime I think about how long we have to live like this (which is about 500 times a day, and yes, I have tried not thinking about it, and no, that doesn't work), I feel an acute sense of dread that tries to build into panic. I have not yet had an anxiety attack, which is good. We're only a week into this, though, so that's not saying much. I keep trying to remind myself how fortunate I am (I have plentiful food, a nice house, a steady job, my immediate family, video chat access to other people), but that doesn't usually stave off the dread for long.

 

It feels like almost all of the things that brought joy and color to my life are gone indefinitely. We'll probably have to cancel our vacation in late May, which was the first vacation I was going to have in two years. Looking forward to that trip was literally the only thing that was helping me keep massive work burnout at bay. Aerial Avengers will almost certainly NOT end up happening May 1-3, and I wonder if it will happen AT ALL, ever, and if the circus gym will even survive, as a small business that can't generate any income at all. My feelings about the bleak outlook for the circus community were just exacerbated by the news that Cirque du Soleil laid off 95% of its workers yesterday and seemed uncertain when (if?) they would ever return to function. If even Cirque can't survive, how the hell do we expect some little neighborhood troupe to make it out the other side? Let's not even mention the fact that I don't entirely know what's going on with my parents (they have a long history of downplaying serious medical issues to me, so seeing them over video chat doesn't tell me much) and I have no idea when I'll be able to see them in person again, and I don't think they're taking this as seriously as they should. Oh, and my best friend's company is forcing her to come into the office daily or lose her job, and she's already financially insecure, so I'm wildly concerned about her well-being. Everything just sucks. And my anxiety is eating it up.

 

Not really looking for advice or suggestions or even sympathy - I'm just voicing my feelings because that eases the stress a tiny bit.

 

I'm going to try to mention one good thing that happened every day. Yesterday's good thing came about as a result of a less-good thing: @stillskies had to go to the pharmacy to pick up some meds (unrelated to the current pandemic, don't worry), which meant she had to go to the store, but the good news is that they had restocked frozen vegetables! She picked up three big bags (yes, there was some left for someone else, don't worry about that, either), so now I feel confident I could make nutritious meals for at least 2-3 weeks without venturing out if necessary.

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8 hours ago, starsapart said:

Not really looking for advice or suggestions or even sympathy

Ah, you didn't rule out validation!

Your feelings are normal. Anxiety only exacerbates feelings you would already have, it doesn't generate them. In other words, you struggle with an increased intensity of concern, but the concerns are normal and valid for anyone in your (our) situation.

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On 3/20/2020 at 2:31 PM, Mike Wazowski said:

Big, Big Hugs, friend.

 

On 3/20/2020 at 5:28 PM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Ah, you didn't rule out validation!

Your feelings are normal. Anxiety only exacerbates feelings you would already have, it doesn't generate them. In other words, you struggle with an increased intensity of concern, but the concerns are normal and valid for anyone in your (our) situation.

 

On 3/21/2020 at 2:33 AM, Mad Hatter said:

You might not look for it but here's a bunch of sympathy and hugs anyway! 

 

I did appreciate the adorable elephants a lot. 😊

 

Thank goodness that I came back here and that I have you guys. Honestly, you're exactly what I need right now.

 

Okay, well, looking back at this challenge... I guess I'll give myself a 50% and say, live and learn and on to the next: 

 

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