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12 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

That is a great realization. Toxic work environments on top of toxicity at home is just no fun, and we're often so conditioned by the latter we don't notice how wrong things are at the former. You are getting to a place where you are making more and more of those connections for yourself. Sometimes therapy is like a young tree. The roots grow and grow and expand and dig deeper, and yet on the surface it looks like nothing is happening. Then finally the roots have established themselves and the part of the tree above ground shoots up and begins to spread. I think you are starting to be in that transition phase from root spreading to visible growth. There will still be ups and downs along the way, but the time of hard work with no visible results is beginning to end.

 

I really really hope you’re right. On where I am I mean, not in general. I can definitely say in vague terms that I’ve made progress since starting this round of therapy, but there’s nothing I can really point to as evidence. But being able to make direct connections like this and actually having specific things to work on/toward will be a massive boost. 

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So today was bullshit. Took forever to fall asleep, slept through several alarms, woke up feeling like I hadn’t slept at all. Decided driving was a bad idea, which I’m pissed about because it was a busy day. I did manage to go to Target and return/buy the things I panicked over on Thursday. And ran a couple other errands while I was out. Still panicky about all of it, which is dumb. (I’m not dumb. The panic is dumb.) Will be watching vegetable cutting videos later. 
 

I’m just really grumpy about the way today worked out. Nothing went to plan, and I didn’t even have much of a plan to start with. Now I have to play catch up tomorrow. I don’t like this. 

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On 2/10/2020 at 11:42 PM, fleaball said:

I've always had higher standards for myself than I hold other people to, sometimes to ridiculous extents. Not because I think I'm better than everyone or I need to cut people some slack since they can't reach my level. But because my entire life I've been told that I can do more and do better than what I'm doing, and someone expects more from me, not doing a thing is not an option and since I have to do it I may as well do it perfectly. 

 

My 8th grade math teacher chewed me out in front of my class for missing a step on an extra credit problem and only getting half credit on it. Resulting in 112.5/125. When I was one of three students out of 50 that passed the test at all. 

I very much feel this way many times as well. I think it was my 6th grade teacher told my parents that they should expect more out of me. Like I could be so much better then I was doing. I heard about that shit for years.

 

16 hours ago, fleaball said:

So today was bullshit. Took forever to fall asleep, slept through several alarms, woke up feeling like I hadn’t slept at all. Decided driving was a bad idea, which I’m pissed about because it was a busy day. I did manage to go to Target and return/buy the things I panicked over on Thursday. And ran a couple other errands while I was out. Still panicky about all of it, which is dumb. (I’m not dumb. The panic is dumb.) Will be watching vegetable cutting videos later. 
 

I’m just really grumpy about the way today worked out. Nothing went to plan, and I didn’t even have much of a plan to start with. Now I have to play catch up tomorrow. I don’t like this. 

Hopefully, sleep is better so tomorrow can be better. 

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16 hours ago, fleaball said:

So today was bullshit. Took forever to fall asleep, slept through several alarms, woke up feeling like I hadn’t slept at all. Decided driving was a bad idea, which I’m pissed about because it was a busy day. I did manage to go to Target and return/buy the things I panicked over on Thursday. And ran a couple other errands while I was out. Still panicky about all of it, which is dumb. (I’m not dumb. The panic is dumb.) Will be watching vegetable cutting videos later. 
 

I’m just really grumpy about the way today worked out. Nothing went to plan, and I didn’t even have much of a plan to start with. Now I have to play catch up tomorrow. I don’t like this. 

Bullshit days suck, hopefully today is going better for you and sleep went well. 

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22 hours ago, fleaball said:

I’m not dumb. The panic is dumb.

Nice to see you preemptively blocking us from nit picking your comments :P  

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8 hours ago, Tateman said:

I very much feel this way many times as well. I think it was my 6th grade teacher told my parents that they should expect more out of me. Like I could be so much better then I was doing. I heard about that shit for years.
 

Fuck teachers like that, man. It’s one thing to see potential in a kid and encourage them to do more, it’s another to just be like “nah you suck and you should suck less.”

 

8 hours ago, Tateman said:

 

Hopefully, sleep is better so tomorrow can be better. 

Sleep was better. Could have been better still, but that’s pretty much a constant. 

 

8 hours ago, NightWatcher13 said:

Bullshit days suck, hopefully today is going better for you and sleep went well. 

today was better! Thanks!
 

2 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

Nice to see you preemptively blocking us from nit picking your comments :P  

that’s literally what it is at this point. Have to make sure I wore things properly so y’all focus on my actual issues and not just phrasing. :)

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I am so thrown off right now. Called the vet and left a message last night to make sure it was safe for boobcat to eat Fat Kitty’s food, which he’s been doing because he suddenly has no interest in his own. Got a call back at 9am. Scheduled an appointment for 2:15, went back to sleep, kept waking up like every half hour... until my alarm went off, in which case I got some solid sleep until I woke up in a panic. But now I’m tired and half my day is gone but it’s too late to go back to sleep. 
 

And it was basically all for nothing. My shithead cat is apparently just being a shithead cat. Vet couldn’t find anything wrong with him. She was surprised he’s eating FK’s food because most cats don’t like it, but that’s it. 
 

mondays. ugh. 

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I am doing horribly at keeping up with people this round. I’m going to blame stupid sleep fucking up my days. 
 

quick update:

 

- haven’t done anything goal-related yet, oops. Also still need to, idk, add my goals to this thread? :rolleyes:

 

- Boobcat’s blood tests came back totally normal. So he’s fine, he’s just an asshole. Or more of an asshole than usual, I guess, since that’s the default mode for cats. 
 

- apparently I have a uterine fibroid. The info my doctor sent says specifically “fibroids aren’t cancer.” To which the gremlins responded “that’s nice, but you definitely have cancer.” I’m not actually worried about it, but gremlins gonna gremlin. 
 

- more gremlins: stubbed my toe, broke part of the nail super far down, remembered that feet are a worry for diabetics (ugh) even though I don’t actually know why, decided I’m going to die asap because I stubbed my toe. There are not enough eye roll emojis for this. (gremlin repellant: shot my doctor a message, she said not to worry unless it starts looking funky but she’ll refer me to a podiatrist if I want. So all of this is already more or less taken care of. Gremlins are just dumb.)

 

- the Saga of the Retirement Paperwork seems to be finished. I made him call this morning and the lady was fine with the scanned/emailed copies we sent in. 
 

- the stupid fucking sports bra i bought seems to be the wrong size because my boobs have to make everything difficult. Looks like I’m swapping out or at least adjusting my gym goal for the first week or two until I can exchange it. 
 

- I need to hit the lottery and hire a personal chef because fuck cooking. 

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13 hours ago, fleaball said:

remembered that feet are a worry for diabetics (ugh) even though I don’t actually know why

Feet are an issue for diabetics because of reduced blood flow to the feet in the advanced stages of the disease. This means wounds are slow to heal and prone to infection, which can't be fought as easily due to reduced blood flow. It shouldn't be a concern for someone who was just told A1c is out of whack. 

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2 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Feet are an issue for diabetics because of reduced blood flow to the feet in the advanced stages of the disease. This means wounds are slow to heal and prone to infection, which can't be fought as easily due to reduced blood flow. It shouldn't be a concern for someone who was just told A1c is out of whack. 

Thanks! I figured I wasn’t in immediate danger but I also wasn’t going to google it and find 37 other ways I could die from it either. 

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1 minute ago, fleaball said:

Thanks! I figured I wasn’t in immediate danger but I also wasn’t going to google it and find 37 other ways I could die from it either. 

Benefits of working in a hospital that services a lot of noncompliant diabetics include incidental learning. 

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The worst time to run out of steam while being productive? After stripping the sheets from your bed but before putting the new ones on. 
 

I don’t know if I’m getting sick or if I’m just run down or if my cuddle friend is pissing off my allergies or what. Maybe some combination of all 3. But I have been miserable and half dead all week. Sleep has been fucked up, energy levels are low, and I’ve found myself feeling like I want to cry at least once a day which is not normal for me. I’ve been trying to do some small productive things just so I don’t feel like I’m completely wasting my life, but it’s not really working. I’m so frustrated with everything. Which is a sentence I feel I write here entirely too often without changing anything about it. I’m really trying not to be the person who complains about the same things all the time and doing nothing to fix them, but sometimes it feels like there is no fix. Especially when you take mental health issues out of the equation and still get “I feel like shit so I’m not doing anything, and then I’m not doing anything so I feel like shit.” Would I feel better physically if I ate a vegetable once in a while? Sure. Do I have the energy to go buy a vegetable? Nope. 
 

Okay. Enough whining. I need to get sheets on my bed before Fat Kitty comes up and plops himself in the middle of it. 

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Also it’s 2:30am and I really want a turkey sandwich. I give up on trying to make sense of things. 

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Since I’m already complaining about things I’ve complained about forever:

 

I am so fucking tired of the assholes I live with acting like my very existence is an inconvenience to them except for when they need something. They have no problem texting me, calling me, or knocking on my door and interrupting whatever I’m doing, but if I even walk through a room either of them is in the dramatic sighs and eye rolls start. God forbid I actually need to address them. 

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7 hours ago, fleaball said:

Sleep has been fucked up, energy levels are low, and I’ve found myself feeling like I want to cry at least once a day which is not normal for me

Perhaps you are getting in touch with your own emotions enough that you are beginning to feel just how upset you are with your situation with a broader emotional palette than just anger. 

 

5 hours ago, fleaball said:

Since I’m already complaining about things I’ve complained about forever:

 

I am so fucking tired of the assholes I live with acting like my very existence is an inconvenience to them except for when they need something. They have no problem texting me, calling me, or knocking on my door and interrupting whatever I’m doing, but if I even walk through a room either of them is in the dramatic sighs and eye rolls start. God forbid I actually need to address them. 

Oh God, living with the double standards of people with Cluster B Personality disorders SUCKS!

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10 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Perhaps you are getting in touch with your own emotions enough that you are beginning to feel just how upset you are with your situation with a broader emotional palette than just anger. 
 

I’m okay with this explanation except that it’s so inconvenient. I feel like I need designated feelings times otherwise I’ll never get anything done. That’s totally healthy right?

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21 minutes ago, fleaball said:

I’m okay with this explanation except that it’s so inconvenient. I feel like I need designated feelings times otherwise I’ll never get anything done. That’s totally healthy right?

Feeling that way is indeed totally healthy. Not wanting inconvenience is normal.

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Yes hello I’m not dead yet. I will eventually update something on topic. 
 

for now, I need to just complain about something. One of the schools here is hiring for positions in Montreal for the fall semester and it gives the salary level, but it seems low especially considering it’s another country. It doesn’t say whether housing or anything else is provided, which you’d hope it is, and if it were then it would make sense as to why the salary is so low. I’ll probably wind up throwing my resume at it, because worst case I’ll get an interview where I can ask all these questions and then decide I don’t want it. But I’m just so annoyed at the lack of information. 
 

Getting way too far ahead of myself: it’s the entire fall semester + training the entire month of June. Which would make getting any kind of other job before this time next year hella difficult. There are a number of reasons to go for it anyway, but this is always my first reason for not doing something - “if I do this then I can’t do any number of other hypothetical things instead.” Womp. 

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On 2/11/2020 at 2:43 AM, fleaball said:

also @Severine I know you're focusing on meatspace stuff before you come back, but tag you're it

 

Hello everyone! Reporting in from meatspace. I just got over a really unpleasant campylobacter infection, but other than that I am actually....doing better? Which I am almost afraid to say out loud for fear of jinxing it, but yeah. Cancer is still in remission, I'm doing better with food, walking more, and most importantly my mood and stress management and perspective have really improved and I'm in a much better place mentally/emotionally. I missed being here, but I think some time off while I figured other stuff out was a good idea. I needed to dial back my obligations for a bit, even the fun/helpful ones, until I had the basics solid.

 

Still a bunch of things to work on but I'm more excited by the idea of working on the stuff, as opposed to being just exhausted like I was before. So that's cool and my plan is to return for realz in the next challenge.

 

On 2/11/2020 at 2:42 AM, fleaball said:

lots of self-imposed pressure to do everything perfectly or not at all. Which, spoiler, doesn't work.

 

Definitely, definitely does not work. Ask me how I know.

 

Your plan is wise, and just because you're having blah days doesn't mean this isn't a good approach. It makes tonnes of sense.

 

On 2/11/2020 at 8:49 PM, fleaball said:

Thanks for cheering me on! There’s a lot of unraveling mental health bullshit happening in my threads so hopefully I can eventually overcome ‘gifted kid syndrome.’ Which is weird to say because that’s not something I was ever called in the first place and just sounds braggy. 
 

Fucked up gifted kids unite!  

 

I keep meeting people who were gifted or good students when they were younger, who are now dealing with all sorts of weird procrastination/motivation/stress/impostor syndrome/mental health bullshit. Like seriously, I met two new people who fit this description in the last six months. Someone needs to write an exposé.

 

I had a discussion with my therapist about this a few weeks ago, how I've long struggled with procrastination and then rushing to do stuff at the last minute, and then getting a great mark, being told it's great, winning awards, etc. and then feeling like shit because I feel like I'm not doing my best work, I could be doing more if I really tried, and I'm a fake and people are going to find out, and what's the point of trying hard anyway if I can get away with not, praise doesn't mean anything if people can't even tell when I half ass it...etc.

 

And he was like, "what if part of the reason you're still struggling with procrastination and motivation is that, after all those experiences, you've come to associate achievement with feeling bad?" 

 

And it felt really true, and I just sat there blinking at the wall for a bit. I'm kind of angry about it, if it's true? Anyway, you're not alone.

 

On 2/13/2020 at 9:13 AM, RedStone said:

A full day with a loaded schedule means a lot of boxes to check, which also means an opportunity to miss boxes. It helps me to write out a list (heyo Virgo here) and if I need to, rewrite it so it's in a sensible chronological order for what gets done first, second etc. It also helps me to put a box around the section that can be done another time so if I feel overwhelmed while I'm out, there's sort of an, ok, I knew this might not happen today and it's okay, sort of built in. (I did this yesterday and ended up ordering the thing online because I just didn't have it in me to stop.) 

 

Is there anything you've done in the past that's helped you quell the overwhelm?

 

On my to-do lists, if I don't do something one day, instead of leaving the box blank, I just put a little forward arrow in the box indicating it is being moved ahead to tomorrow or the next day. It is such a minor thing but it helps me feel better. Like I'm rescheduling it instead of not doing it. And then I have a rule: if I move something forward a bunch of times, I make myself look at it and decide whether it actually need to happen, and if I don't have a good reason why it has to, I just delete it. Because maybe I'm not doing it because it doesn't actually matter.

 

On 2/13/2020 at 10:36 AM, Sylvaa said:

I mean, reasonably, what are your goals for the Spartan? To not die? Okay - that means getting to a point where you can walk a 5K. Okay, let's stretch it to hike (because you know they will find hills). Everything else is just bonus. Getting caught up in the whole, "I need to be able to do all these obstacles and burpees" is just going to make it harder to start because that's daunting. Start with a walk. You can do a walk.

 

This woman knows so many things. Also, there are so many genuinely pretty wilderness trails out by my house. Once the weather's better and you're feeling like it, let's do some easy walks/hikes. I know trails that are good for a 20 min walk and some that are good for a few hours and every length in between.

 

On 2/19/2020 at 1:42 AM, fleaball said:

- more gremlins: stubbed my toe, broke part of the nail super far down, remembered that feet are a worry for diabetics (ugh) even though I don’t actually know why, decided I’m going to die asap because I stubbed my toe. There are not enough eye roll emojis for this. (gremlin repellant: shot my doctor a message, she said not to worry unless it starts looking funky but she’ll refer me to a podiatrist if I want. So all of this is already more or less taken care of. Gremlins are just dumb.)

 

I know a pretty good podiatrist who is not an asshole about weight stuff, up in Reading. Let me know if you want his details.

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22 minutes ago, Severine said:

On my to-do lists, if I don't do something one day, instead of leaving the box blank, I just put a little forward arrow in the box indicating it is being moved ahead to tomorrow or the next day. It is such a minor thing but it helps me feel better. Like I'm rescheduling it instead of not doing it. And then I have a rule: if I move something forward a bunch of times, I make myself look at it and decide whether it actually need to happen, and if I don't have a good reason why it has to, I just delete it. Because maybe I'm not doing it because it doesn't actually matter.

This is possibly the best "to do list" idea that I have ever heard.

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In no particular order

 

HI @Severine - Glad to see you, but totally understand dealing with meatspace first.  Just wanted to say hi since I missed the day you were here

 

FLEA - Your family is ..... dumb and selfish. This is a know, but still bears repeating.  You deserve so much better and you WILL get there.

 

Also Gremlins Are lying PIA. I know ignoring them is out of the question, but they are jerks who hang out with Trolls who all need gagged and tied up somewhere, I will look for fun colorful duck tape for this purpose.

 

For what it is worth, try for the job in Montreal. If nothing else, its a world away from the man-children and a chance to see another bit of the world. If something comes up between now and then, so be it, but maybe a change of location will do you good.

 

*HUGS* If nothing else, we love you.

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