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Annyshay Returns to the Shire


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13 hours ago, oromendur said:

 

Speaking of Tolkien virtuosity, did you ever finish your story of Pippin and his cousin?

I sort of just let that fizzle out, hehe.

 

3 hours ago, lucky fire dragon said:

bilbo+frodo.jpg

 

Following, of course :love_heart:

YAY! Thank you and welcome. :)

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1 hour ago, Mad Hatter said:

Happy belated birthday! Your health journey has been awesome to watch, and I feel like it’s only the beginning. :) 

Thanks Hats. I have been having a very similar feeling to the one you describe in your challenge. I think we're both on the edge of something big. ;)

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1 hour ago, lucky fire dragon said:

 

Seconding! And it's wonderful to watch you build such a loving friendship with your body. Hope all is well in the new(ish) home town and work place

Things are going well in my new home and work place in general. There's some bumps here and there but nothing compared to my last place of work!

 

1 hour ago, Ann of Vries said:

Welcome back to the Shire ❤️ I love the simplicity of your goals, and I also love picking a word or few to encapsulate my wishes for the coming year. 

Thanks darling. I'm curious what your words would be!

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Can I be honest for a moment?

 

I'm struggling.

 

Writing my 10 year retrospective was awesome. In the long term, I've made So. Much. Progress. But the last few weeks have been really hard. I've been wanting to tell you about it, but I'm still nervous to share some things. 

 

Trigger warnings - childhood abuse, panic attacks, depression

 

Spoiler

 

I'm nervous for a very specific reason - I'm worried that my father is secretly reading my posts. 

 

You see, my father is emotionally and verbally abusive and always has been. He's also manipulative and has a wife that is enabling him currently by searching for me on the internet. Some of you may remember that I stopped talking to him and blocked him (and her) on all major forms of communication a few years ago. Well, in mid January, I received a calendar from them at my place of work. Now, I have not told him what city I'm currently living in, so I know that they must have been searching for me on the internet.

 

Let me tell you more about this calendar. For decades, my step-mom has been making a calendar of photos of the family to give out as a Christmas present. This year however, it was full of pictures of the family cottage that my father had bulldozed this year. They said it was to "celebrate the end of an era", but it seems very clear to me and my brother (who was supposed to inherit the place) that it was meant to remind us of what he took away from us. 

 

So, in therapy we're doing a technique called EMDR that is a bit weird. Basically you have two forms of bilateral stimulation (little tappers that vibrate and headphones with alternating beeps for me) and think about certain target memories. Then you just sort of free associate and see what comes up. We did it on the memory of my secretary bringing the calendar to me a few times and things got INTENSE. Like, I'm not going to talk about all the images, thoughts, and feelings that came up because I'm not supposed to outside of therapy levels of intense. 

 

I've been in a bit of a tailspin since then. I've had panic attacks. I've been clinically depressed (almost immediately which is hella weird). I'm not and never have been suicidal or wanting to hurt myself by the grace of God. I had emergency therapy on Friday and we're going to do things twice a week for now if we can manage it with schedules. I've been struggling with how to take care of myself through this, and it's overwhelming. I'm scared that things are not going to get better even though logically I know that they already are. 

 

My homework from therapy is to imagine Molly Weasley being motherly towards me and then to slowly try to make it myself being motherly to my inner child in the image. And it's weird and uncomfortable. 

 

I talked it through and prayed about it a bit. I've decided that I want to share this side of my journey with you all despite the possible side effects with my father.

 

 

I'm so grateful for each and every one of you. Thanks for listening.

 

Amy asked me to stop doing movement because I was feeling a ton of resistance to doing it (and basically everything else), so that's why I've been on a hiatus for zero week. We're going to start really slowly this week again. I appreciate all the support, kind words, and silly gifs that you guys always show up with. :)

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big big hugs, dear Annyshay ❤️

 

You're doing awesome and with a past like yours you are bound to come up against some intense feels and thoughts that rise like ghosts.

I'm still enjoying the work of Dr. Joe Dispenza tremendously and while I know it's not everyone's flavor there is a phenomenon that he often reminds people of, that I have witnessed in various ways in life myself and that is that often things seem to get worse right before a major breakthrough. Our body and all it's neuronal and biological circuits have often gotten so used to a certain state of feeling and thinking (even if it's subconscious) that that has become like the only thing our subconscious knows now and is familiar with. It absolutely dreads giving that up, however painful it might be, and move into a new state, because it can't predict the new state yet and does not feel safe.

So it takes a lot of steady, loving and firm guidance to shift out of trauma and into a new happier state of being.

 

The phase between the old state breaking apart and the new you forming itself, is a phase of massive chaos. That is when people start doubting everything they did so far and if any of it is true, they just want to give up and scream or run away, it can be really bad. You are basically taking yourself to the edge of anything that has been you for a long time. It is scary, it is intense, but if you keep choosing love and your faith (which is so strong already!) then at some stage it simply has to give and the release will be the most magnificent thing ever. I promise you!

 

You have a wonderful therapist and loving support - we're all here for you - and I can only fathom how hard this must be at times, but it is because you are shifting things and growing out of it - so keep at it, shining Lady ❤️

 

 

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1 hour ago, annyshay said:
2 hours ago, Ann of Vries said:

Welcome back to the Shire ❤️ I love the simplicity of your goals, and I also love picking a word or few to encapsulate my wishes for the coming year. 

Thanks darling. I'm curious what your words would be!

 

It’s more phrases this year. “The witch of wherever” or “make magic” both of which are a nod to my spiritual and artistic explorations, but the former also impresses on me to not to be married to a location as we are in a state of geographical flux.

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1 hour ago, annyshay said:

Writing my 10 year retrospective was awesome. In the long term, I've made So. Much. Progress. But the last few weeks have been really hard. I've been wanting to tell you about it, but I'm still nervous to share some things. 

 

Trigger warnings - childhood abuse, panic attacks, depression

You are one courageous, awesome woman. I have so much respect for you, for what you've accomplished, what you are facing, and what you have managed to overcome.

I love mother Molly Weasly. You don't mess with her family!

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1 hour ago, lucky fire dragon said:

The phase between the old state breaking apart and the new you forming itself, is a phase of massive chaos.

I feel like I've been in an in between state for months now, since before the move really. This stuff from the last few weeks is even more crazy though. It's like all the little icebergs that I've been standing on are melting underneath my feet and there's nothing left to stand on.

 

1 hour ago, lucky fire dragon said:

You have a wonderful therapist and loving support - we're all here for you - and I can only fathom how hard this must be at times, but it is because you are shifting things and growing out of it - so keep at it, shining Lady ❤️

Thanks love, I will try.

 

38 minutes ago, Ann of Vries said:

So many hugs. Some people just don’t want to give up being horrible, but it doesn’t mean you have to give up being wonderful. Molly Weasley is my heroine, and I hope the homework helps. May you find some peace in all of this.

Hugs back.

 

Molly was the only nurturing mother figure I could think of fictionally when my therapist asked. If anybody's got any others, I'm all ears!

 

14 minutes ago, ElizeElvinFoxRyder said:

You are one courageous, awesome woman. I have so much respect for you, for what you've accomplished, what you are facing, and what you have managed to overcome.

I love mother Molly Weasly. You don't mess with her family!

Awwww, shucks. You're making me blush. 

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49 minutes ago, Ann of Vries said:

 

It’s more phrases this year. “The witch of wherever” or “make magic” both of which are a nod to my spiritual and artistic explorations, but the former also impresses on me to not to be married to a location as we are in a state of geographical flux.

LOVE these.

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Thank you for trusting us enough to share that. We love you. And remember too, God loves you, and because He loves he is going to always be with you, and He will continue working in you and doing a good work in you. He is the healer, and He will continue His healing work in you

 

a-good-work_smallerversion.jpg

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Sunday w1d1

 

Frodo - Write

Wrote more than 100 words on my novel.

 

Sam - Friends

Went to church and met a few new people.

Chatted with friends and family in the evening.

 

Merry - Budget

Updated my budget on YNAB (you need a budget)

 

Pippin - Move

Rest day

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7 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

It takes a true kind of courage to open up like that.  Don't ever forget that you are both amazing and very special.  Sending all the hugs!

Thanks WhiteGhost. I really appreciate those reminders and hugs.

 

7 hours ago, Elastigirl said:

Thank you for trusting us enough to share that. We love you. And remember too, God loves you, and because He loves he is going to always be with you, and He will continue working in you and doing a good work in you. He is the healer, and He will continue His healing work in you

That's what's keeping me going, honestly, EG. I know He is faithful, but this is so hard.

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I can't imagine what you're going through, but I know you'll get through it because you're a brave and wonderful person. All the hugs! And I love that you chose Molly Weasley. She's both fierce and nurturing. Kinda lika a doctor I know.

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