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Annyshay Returns to the Shire


annyshay

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Sometimes when a person has a breakthrough, they also have a breakdown. It's this horrible state to be in, but in my experience, when you rebuild, you leave out a lot of the rotted wood from the past. 

Here's a quote from Tupac that I think of when it comes to setting boundaries and separating from those who actively hurt us. Also, your dad and stepmom suck, and it speaks a lot to your quality and character that you are such a wonderful and caring person. I'm honored to know you and be a part of this journey. Thank you for sharing with us. 

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57 minutes ago, Snarkyfishguts said:

Sometimes when a person has a breakthrough, they also have a breakdown. It's this horrible state to be in, but in my experience, when you rebuild, you leave out a lot of the rotted wood from the past. 

Here's a quote from Tupac that I think of when it comes to setting boundaries and separating from those who actively hurt us. Also, your dad and stepmom suck, and it speaks a lot to your quality and character that you are such a wonderful and caring person. I'm honored to know you and be a part of this journey. Thank you for sharing with us. 

Thanks so much, Snarky. Rotted wood. I like that. Also that quote is perfect.

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Love as thou wilt.

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5 hours ago, annyshay said:

Thanks WhiteGhost. I really appreciate those reminders and hugs.

 

That's what's keeping me going, honestly, EG. I know He is faithful, but this is so hard.

Hugs and prayers. Yes, knowing God is a comfort, but it can still be very difficult. I am sorry you are going through this

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Well, you have all been so amazingly supportive that I feel like it's good to try to keep being open about how things are going. 

 

I got a massage on Friday with hot stones. This was my birthday treat for myself. It felt amazing. So nice to release some of the chronic tension that I hold in my body. 

 

The rest of the weekend was just blah.

 

I did a lot of things because I know that they are important for my healing, but I didn't want to do any of them. I have very little motivation to do anything, but luckily, I'm able to muscle through to some extent at the moment. I also have spent... years... building up good habits, so well done past me. 

 

Church was kind of disappointing. The sermon was about discipling but focused on kids and mostly only applicable to parents. It just felt like a lot of it was taken out of context too. I dunno. I wasn't feeling it. 

 

I've been watching a lot of the Magicians. It's the right kind of sarcastic, bitter tone that my brain is craving at the moment. Plus magic.

 

I've got therapy again tonight, which is important but feels too soon (last was on Friday). 

 

I've been trying to imagine Molly Weasley mothering me, and it's like my brain stops short before I actually visualize anything. Sometimes just going blank. Sometimes sending me to sleep. Mucho avoidance. 

 

At least the panic seems to be dissipating slowly, so that's something. 

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Love as thou wilt.

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Have a good session tonight and be okay with the blanks for now. You're doing great, past present and future you :) 

That massage sounds like the perfect birthday treat mmmmmmmmmh

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22 hours ago, annyshay said:

Can I be honest for a moment?

 

I'm struggling.

 

frodosamhug.gif.644f13dd206acae1764e49ca62f3c26a.gif

 

19 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Kanga from Winnie the Pooh,

Mary Poppins,

Morticia Adams (No, really),

Miss Honey from Matilda,

 

 

Tank hit the big ones. Here are some other options:

- Polgara from the Belgariad

- Marmee from Little Women

- Katherine Murry from A Wrinkle in Time

- Elastigirl from The Incredibles

- Forrest Gump's mother

- Clair Huxtable (don't the later creepiness of her husband's actor tarnish her; she was awesome)

- Ma Ingalls from Little House on the Prairie

 

To be honest I think you've already picked the best of the lot, though. Molly Weasley is the SHIT.

 

42 minutes ago, annyshay said:

At least the panic seems to be dissipating slowly, so that's something.

 

Another metaphor for you (sorry, mythologists are all about metaphors, it's a professional hazard): strong emotions are storms. They can be powerful and rage completely out of control, and they can certainly threaten life and property. BUT they are not permanent. They pass. That is little consolation to the person on the ship being tossed around, of course, but if you can hold on to something you know to be firm and utterly unwavering, eventually the clouds will spend their energy and the open sky will return.

 

Keep hanging in there ❤️ 

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When I went looking for lists of good fictional mothers, I also saw a list of bad ones (don't worry, no triggers). Interestingly, Mrs. Bennet from Pride and Prejudice was on both lists. I would put her only in the latter, but there you are.

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1 hour ago, oromendur said:

 

- Polgara from the Belgariad

 

 

I LOVE POLGARA!!

*ahem* I mean, I really loved Pol.  Fierce, creative, powerful, providing, loving, and no tolerance for whining and laziness. But she had walls, BIG walls. That's why I love Mrs. Weasley too, because she didn't have those walls, because she didn't have that history that required them. Mrs. Weasley loves with all her being, and her heart only gets bigger the more people she has to love. It's inspiring really. 

 

I only regret that the directing for "Not my daughter you bitch!" was such that it really took away from the fear and fury that Molly was experiencing in that moment. It was cold and determined, but I always thought of Molly as fire, not ice. :) 

 

Mrs. W is totally the mom who would make too much food, pack your lunch and put one fun size candybar and way too many carrots, and then kiss you three times on the face and tell you she loves you but for heaven's sake, you can't wear THAT, it needs ironing! And then would say "It will only take a minute" as she tries to pry your clothing off to iron it, and then say "Isn't that much better? Don't you FEEL better?" then shoos you out the door and does all sorts of things but is there when you come home with cookies while you tell her all about the drama between Hermione and Parvati.  She's the mom that wears the same outfit for 8 years because she knows the money needs to go to clothes for you. You may not have the nicest clothes, but they fit well, and are clean, and will protect you from the elements. 

 

She really is perfect in terms of a nurturing mom. 

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2 hours ago, oromendur said:

Tank hit the big ones. Here are some other options:

- Polgara from the Belgariad

- Marmee from Little Women

- Katherine Murry from A Wrinkle in Time

- Elastigirl from The Incredibles

- Forrest Gump's mother

- Clair Huxtable (don't the later creepiness of her husband's actor tarnish her; she was awesome)

- Ma Ingalls from Little House on the Prairie

I haven't heard of half of these, but Elastigirl is another good clear one. Molly is probably better though, hehe.

 

1 hour ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

When I went looking for lists of good fictional mothers, I also saw a list of bad ones (don't worry, no triggers). Interestingly, Mrs. Bennet from Pride and Prejudice was on both lists. I would put her only in the latter, but there you are.

Huh. Dunno if I thought of her as either, really?

 

1 hour ago, Snarkyfishguts said:

I LOVE POLGARA!!

*ahem* I mean, I really loved Pol.  Fierce, creative, powerful, providing, loving, and no tolerance for whining and laziness. But she had walls, BIG walls. That's why I love Mrs. Weasley too, because she didn't have those walls, because she didn't have that history that required them. Mrs. Weasley loves with all her being, and her heart only gets bigger the more people she has to love. It's inspiring really. 

 

I only regret that the directing for "Not my daughter you bitch!" was such that it really took away from the fear and fury that Molly was experiencing in that moment. It was cold and determined, but I always thought of Molly as fire, not ice. :) 

 

Mrs. W is totally the mom who would make too much food, pack your lunch and put one fun size candybar and way too many carrots, and then kiss you three times on the face and tell you she loves you but for heaven's sake, you can't wear THAT, it needs ironing! And then would say "It will only take a minute" as she tries to pry your clothing off to iron it, and then say "Isn't that much better? Don't you FEEL better?" then shoos you out the door and does all sorts of things but is there when you come home with cookies while you tell her all about the drama between Hermione and Parvati.  She's the mom that wears the same outfit for 8 years because she knows the money needs to go to clothes for you. You may not have the nicest clothes, but they fit well, and are clean, and will protect you from the elements. 

 

She really is perfect in terms of a nurturing mom. 

One of my buddies pointed out that this is the opposite of my mom's philosophy, which was very much about making us functional adults by helping us figure stuff out on our own and not giving us too much help or advice. It sounds bad when I put it that way, though. *shrug*

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2 hours ago, oromendur said:

 

frodosamhug.gif.644f13dd206acae1764e49ca62f3c26a.gif

 

Another metaphor for you (sorry, mythologists are all about metaphors, it's a professional hazard): strong emotions are storms. They can be powerful and rage completely out of control, and they can certainly threaten life and property. BUT they are not permanent. They pass. That is little consolation to the person on the ship being tossed around, of course, but if you can hold on to something you know to be firm and utterly unwavering, eventually the clouds will spend their energy and the open sky will return.

 

Keep hanging in there ❤️ 

Yeah, the storm metaphor has definitely been resonating with me as well. 

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Love as thou wilt.

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I agree in all the good options Molly Weasley is the perfect choice for you ❤️ 

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battle log: counting the good things

current challenge: something, nothing, all the things

previous challenges: 25242322212019181716, 151413121110987654, 321

 

How cool is it that the same God who created mountains and oceans and galaxies looked at you and thought the world needed one of you, too

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What an awful and manipulative person. I'm so sorry you're going through this. But as everyone said, you're a resilient person, you have tools, and strength, you're going to come out of this even stronger *hugs*

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4 hours ago, lucky fire dragon said:

I agree in all the good options Molly Weasley is the perfect choice for you ❤️ 

Thanks Lucky.

 

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1 hour ago, zenLara said:

What an awful and manipulative person. I'm so sorry you're going through this. But as everyone said, you're a resilient person, you have tools, and strength, you're going to come out of this even stronger *hugs*

Thanks darling. I would love to skip ahead to the stronger bit. Hehe.

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Love as thou wilt.

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Monday w1d2

 

Frodo - Write

Wrote more than 100 words on my novel

Read an article and took notes for my research

 

Sam - Friends

Chatted with some friends online

 

Merry - Budget

Updated my budget on YNAB (you need a budget)

 

Pippin - Move

Five minute movement session - breath, arm work, and grounding

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Love as thou wilt.

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aaaaah there is lots of strength already see :) but I feel you on wanting to jump ahead into the even stronger one. Actually you might really want to do that mentally from time to time and pretend to be there already - kind of like window shopping 

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Level 18 Wood-Elf Assassin

 

battle log: counting the good things

current challenge: something, nothing, all the things

previous challenges: 25242322212019181716, 151413121110987654, 321

 

How cool is it that the same God who created mountains and oceans and galaxies looked at you and thought the world needed one of you, too

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12 minutes ago, lucky fire dragon said:

aaaaah there is lots of strength already see :) but I feel you on wanting to jump ahead into the even stronger one. Actually you might really want to do that mentally from time to time and pretend to be there already - kind of like window shopping 

That's not a bad idea at all. Thanks love.

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Love as thou wilt.

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23 hours ago, annyshay said:

Yeah, the storm metaphor has definitely been resonating with me as well. 

 

 

You're doing great!

 

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hröa Periano, sanar Eldaro, fëa Núnatano

(body of a Hobbit, mind of an Elf, soul of a Dúnadan)

Memories of a former Age [ 1 |  2 ]  ~  Return from Mandos [ respawn ]

Recent sojourns in Middle-earth [ 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 ]

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The warrior and the artist live by the same code of necessity, which dictates that the battle must be fought anew every day.  ~ Steven Pressfield, The War of Art

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hi old friend! I'm happy to be back here again so I can share in your space. ❤️

 

 

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Hiya Nerds!

 

I've been struggling with how to write about what's going on for me now. I want to share a lot, but I think it's best to keep some of it off of the internet. Some ways to get around the fact that my dad used to have this username are to get a new username or to get a DM chat going. I'm not sure that either one feels right though. I wonder if you guys have thoughts about what would make the most sense to be able to share with you without feeling like my dad is reading over my shoulder.

 

So, I had therapy on Monday and it wasn't what I expected at all. My therapist gave me the choice to either stick with the internal mothering exercises or to work on a something new. I chose to work on something new. We dug into a lot of things with more of the EMDR. I almost never leave therapy without crying and this week was no exception. Lots of sad memories and realizing just how neglected certain parts of my childhood were. We ended with a visualization of me in the forest at the back of our property growing up to ground and calm me. 

 

So I haven't felt as panicky as the episode a few weeks ago, but there are still moments that are really bad and I'm still rather depressed. I just feel like I have no motivation at all. Like, what does any of it matter really? Or like all of my energy and motivation is funneling into therapy and nothing else really matters at the moment. I'm trying to just accept that this is where I am right now and that it makes sense with everything that I'm working through, but it also just sucks and I want to feel better. 

 

At the same time, it's like all the shame that I've felt in my life is magnified lately. I'm ashamed of how my house is looking. I'm ashamed of the work that I haven't done. I'm ashamed of the type of friend I am at the moment. I'm ashamed of how I haven't made any progress on any to do list. I'm ashamed of the fact that I'm doing so little for my body. I'm ashamed of how little I'm writing. I'm ashamed that I'm ashamed! Cognitively, I understand that I'm being amazingly consistent with the small steps and habits that I'm taking towards feeling better, but the shame is overwhelming anyway. 

 

I just want to hide in bed. 

 

Today I have a meeting with the chair of my department to talk about the projects I've been trying to get off the ground and how I need more support to make them happen. This is really important, but I'm worried that all the shame is going to make me over emotional when I'm asking for more help.

 

I also have a meeting with a med student that I'm going to be working with this summer on a research project. I feel like I should tell her to run and find something else to do because I'm a crummy mentor that has no idea what she's doing. 

 

Blah. So, I guess this is where I'm at for now. Thanks for listening. 

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Love as thou wilt.

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4 hours ago, annyshay said:

the shame is overwhelming anyway.

 

I'm so sorry you're struggling with this. Shame can be one of the most destructive forces and also one of the hardest to overcome. It can make us feel unlovable, unforgivable, and can bury us in so many ways.

 

If it matters, you have been a supportive friend to me, and we haven't even met irl. You were very encouraging and supportive after my grandfather's death, and you have continued to motivate and inspire me in my own healing and grief. 

 

I wish I had answers for you, but all I can offer is encouragement and support. And maybe a few things that can hopefully bring a smile.

 

Are you familiar with the old Nickelodeon show, The Adventures of Pete & Pete? To this day, anytime I hear the theme song I feel a wave of happiness because that show was really therapeutic during my difficult teen years.

 

I found this on Youtube, and the humor plus the mix of nostalgia really make me smile. Some background in case you're not familiar: Artie is a guy from Pete's & Pete's neighborhood who believes he is the strongest man in the world. There is obviously a mental illness involved, but the show never addresses it (in a good way). This segment is "Artie's Workout." Hope it makes you smile, as well.

 

 

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