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annyshay

Annyshay Returns to the Shire

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10 minutes ago, WolfDreamer said:

I wish I had answers for you, but all I can offer is encouragement and support. And maybe a few things that can hopefully bring a smile.

 

Definitely made me smile, thanks WolfDreamer.

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I don't believe in coincidences. I subscribe to text alerts from Lewis Howes, and this was today's text:

 

"Don’t let shame poison your beautiful heart. Share it with a friend, you deserve to be free & feel love because YOU MATTER!"

 

Thank you for sharing your heart with us, @annyshay, even if it feels broken. You matter.

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Just now, WolfDreamer said:

I don't believe in coincidences. I subscribe to text alerts from Lewis Howes, and this was today's text:

 

"Don’t let shame poison your beautiful heart. Share it with a friend, you deserve to be free & feel love because YOU MATTER!"

 

Thank you for sharing your heart with us, @annyshay, even if it feels broken. You matter.

Wow. Thank you for that. *hugs*

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52 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I don't have any advice, just validation for your emotions and a continuing offer of support. 

Thanks Tank. I wish there was a way to make it pass faster, but I think I just have to hold on till the darkness lifts again.

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1 hour ago, annyshay said:

Thanks Tank. I wish there was a way to make it pass faster, but I think I just have to hold on till the darkness lifts again.

How you feel will indeed pass. The badassery and strength you draw from walking through this experience never will. 

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Wednesday w1d4

 

Frodo - Write

Worked with my mentee on our research

 

Sam - Friends

Chatted with friends online

 

Merry - Budget

Updated my budget on YNAB (you need a budget)

 

Pippin - Move

5 minute cool down video on Datura online (belly dance video website)

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All I can offer is hugs and support - those are some quite murky waters. But I'm convinced that in the end it will be worth dealing with it. Also, it's ok to feel shame, and it's ok to feel shame about feeling shame! It's all good and I'm sure it's part of some (terribly unpleasant) process.

 

21 minutes ago, annyshay said:

5 minute cool down video on Datura online (belly dance video website)

Oooh fun!

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3 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

All I can offer is hugs and support - those are some quite murky waters. But I'm convinced that in the end it will be worth dealing with it. Also, it's ok to feel shame, and it's ok to feel shame about feeling shame! It's all good and I'm sure it's part of some (terribly unpleasant) process.

 

Oooh fun!

Thanks sweetheart.

 

It is fun! I figure that I can do stuff with less twisting on my foot than Lindy.

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Yeah belly dance is a great option! You could even focus entirely on the hips and upper body and I suspect that the insane control required for isolations would indirectly transfer to any other dance. Plus it’s cool in its own right. 

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1 hour ago, Mad Hatter said:

Yeah belly dance is a great option! You could even focus entirely on the hips and upper body and I suspect that the insane control required for isolations would indirectly transfer to any other dance. Plus it’s cool in its own right. 

My mom and I actually took classes in it years ago... like 10 years ago. We had a ton of fun, and I was pretty good at it. :) I'm excited to get back into some of the drills, but first I'm starting REALLY SLOWLY with small amounts of work so that I don't get overwhelmed and nope out of it. 

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2 hours ago, annyshay said:

My mom and I actually took classes in it years ago... like 10 years ago. We had a ton of fun, and I was pretty good at it. :) I'm excited to get back into some of the drills, but first I'm starting REALLY SLOWLY with small amounts of work so that I don't get overwhelmed and nope out of it. 

That's perfect! Hope you'll get to really enjoy the movements. :) 

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Thursday w1d5

 

Frodo - Write

Didn't really do anything

 

Sam - Friends

Chatted with friends online

 

Merry - Budget

Updated my budget on YNAB (you need a budget)

 

Pippin - Move

Rest Day

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adding on some more hugs and joining in on the continuous support crowd for you ❤️ no matter which murky waters you are wading through.

 

How cool on the belly dance!! I was missing the dancing in your life on your behalf. How brilliant you are finding alternatives to the Lindy hop!

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3 hours ago, lucky fire dragon said:

adding on some more hugs and joining in on the continuous support crowd for you ❤️ no matter which murky waters you are wading through.

 

How cool on the belly dance!! I was missing the dancing in your life on your behalf. How brilliant you are finding alternatives to the Lindy hop!

Thanks, Lucky. I need all the support I can get.

 

I'm excited to get some dance going again, yes!

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Hello my dear nerds.

 

I had therapy again this morning, so it's time for another update on all the feels. 

 

Today ended up being a conversation between my younger self and my current self about how I still believe that I am fundamentally broken and unlovable. My current self was offering objective evidence that that's just not true. My younger self didn't change her mind, but she did at least keep listening. She didn't run away or shut down like she has in the past. This is a lot of progress. At the end I gave her a hug (with consent) and told her that we're going to keep talking about this.

 

It sounds a lot cleaner when I write it out than it actually feels. It's wrenching, and I sobbed on and off through the whole conversation because it's so unfair that I'm stuck believing this garbage.

 

We debriefed and touched on a lot of different things. I'm feeling really alone with the weight of this work. My mom doesn't know how to listen to what I'm struggling with at the moment. We talked a lot about ways to cope with the grief and depression that I'm feeling. None of it was new. All of it was important. 

 

At the moment, the panic and anxiety that I was feeling have receded, and I'm dealing with the weight of the depression that is gripping me. I wake up early. I nap too much. I'm not enjoying reading or video games. Simple things bring tears to my eyes. I can't seem to focus on things at work for more than 10-15 minutes. It seems like none of this is going to ever change. Textbook depression. I'm already doing all the right things to get better... meds, therapy, meditation, breath work, gratitude journaling, reaching out for support, and on and on. My therapist agreed with something my current self said to my child self, basically that it makes sense that we're in so much pain at the moment and maybe that's ok. She told me that I'm basically grieving and it's just going to take time. Not what I want to hear, but it makes sense. 

 

I really appreciate you folks listening and supporting me through this. *hugs*

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Friday w1d6

 

Frodo - Write

Wrote more than 100 words on my novel

Edited our proposal for research

 

Sam - Friends

Chatted with friends online

 

Merry - Budget

Updated my budget on YNAB (you need a budget)

 

Pippin - Move

Rest day

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13 hours ago, lucky fire dragon said:

Please feel free to pm anytime if you feel it might help! But it does sound like you are on the right track and I do so hope for you this very painful part is nearly over ❤️❤️❤️ 

I may take you up on that.

 

13 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I'm not your mom, nor anyone's mom, but I know how to listen.

And I appreciate it so much!

 

8 hours ago, Chris-Tien Jinn said:

Here's looking at you, Beautiful!

Thanks, CTJ.

 

6 hours ago, Elastigirl said:

Sending my love and prayers. 

*hugs*

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So sorry you're having such a rough time. You definitely have a lot on your plate.

Don't give up. It's when it looks darker that we're on the edge of a change. Be strong *hugs*

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2 minutes ago, zenLara said:

So sorry you're having such a rough time. You definitely have a lot on your plate.

Don't give up. It's when it looks darker that we're on the edge of a change. Be strong *hugs*

Thanks love. I'm trying. *hugs*

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I am new to your thread, but I thought I would say hi. I am sorry you are having such a rough time; dealing with that situation sounds stressful and exhausting. You are so strong and determined though. I admire your willingness to face those emotions head on in therapy and really make an effort to sort through everything. Keep up the good work; you will get through this :) Also, your story on the mini thread was beautiful and inspiring.

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