annyshay Posted February 19, 2020 Author Report Share Posted February 19, 2020 10 minutes ago, WolfDreamer said: I wish I had answers for you, but all I can offer is encouragement and support. And maybe a few things that can hopefully bring a smile. Definitely made me smile, thanks WolfDreamer. 1 Quote Love as thou wilt. Link to comment
WolfDreamer Posted February 19, 2020 Report Share Posted February 19, 2020 I don't believe in coincidences. I subscribe to text alerts from Lewis Howes, and this was today's text: "Don’t let shame poison your beautiful heart. Share it with a friend, you deserve to be free & feel love because YOU MATTER!" Thank you for sharing your heart with us, @annyshay, even if it feels broken. You matter. 4 Quote Who am I? -- My NF Character Current Challenge: WolfDreamer Springs Forward Past Challenges: Spoiler Winter is Coming, Wolfen Strengthens His Heart, Body, Mind, and Spirit, Wolfen Becomes One of the People, Wolfen Strengthens His Chakras, Wolfen Welcomes Summer and Gets Primal, Soulcon and Spartan, Wolfen Develops Mental Toughness, Wolfen Joins the Wander Society, Soulcon, Spartan, School, and Stranger Things, Wolfen Becomes a Warrior Elite, Wolfen Goes Here and There and Back Again, Wolfen Becomes a Soulcon Warrior Elite, Wolfen Returns to His Roots, Wolfen Wanders in Soul, Spirit, and Body, Wolfen Owns the Day, Wolfen Searches for His Wild Heart, Wolfen Runs for His Life, Wolfen Hits the Trails, Wolfen Becomes an Explorer and Joins the Resistance, Wolfen Goes Back to the Source, Wolfen Begins the Hero's Journey, WolfDreamer Returns to the People, WolfDreamer Pushes Back, WolfDreamer Prioritizes, Burpees, Books, and Brainwork, Burpees, Books, Brainwork, and Bodywork, WolfDreamer Masters the Four Elements, WolfDreamer Continues to Master the Four Elements, WolfDreamer Returns to Sparta, WolfDreamer Returns to Middle Earth, WolfDreamer Continues His Middle Earth Adventure, WolfDreamer and the Fall, WolfDreamer Forges His Own Path, WolfDreamer Has Hope, WolfDreamer Returns to Middle Earth, WolfDreamer Reads Harder, Breathes Harder, and Journals More, WolfDreamer Embraces His Wild Poet, The Mad Poet Becomes Supernatural, WolfDreamer, The Mad Poet, Becomes Superhuman, WolfDreamer Elevates, WolfDreamer Becomes IronBorn, WolfDreamer Wakes the White Wolf, The Mad Poet Recovers by Keeping it Simple, WolfDreamer Clears His Mind to Find His Wild Heart, WolfDreamer Resets, WolfDreamer Strives to Become an Eminently Qualified Peaceful Warrior “I'd rather sing one wild song and burst my heart with it, than live a thousand years watching my digestion and being afraid of the wet.” -- Jack London “I wanted movement and not a calm course of existence. I wanted excitement and danger and the chance to sacrifice myself for my love.” -- Leo Tolstoy "I feel love rising in my chest again Rising like a burning sun into the day..." -- Gungor, "Hurricane" "...wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." 2 Corinthians 3:17b Link to comment
annyshay Posted February 19, 2020 Author Report Share Posted February 19, 2020 Just now, WolfDreamer said: I don't believe in coincidences. I subscribe to text alerts from Lewis Howes, and this was today's text: "Don’t let shame poison your beautiful heart. Share it with a friend, you deserve to be free & feel love because YOU MATTER!" Thank you for sharing your heart with us, @annyshay, even if it feels broken. You matter. Wow. Thank you for that. *hugs* 1 Quote Love as thou wilt. Link to comment
Tanktimus the Encourager Posted February 19, 2020 Report Share Posted February 19, 2020 I don't have any advice, just validation for your emotions and a continuing offer of support. 3 Quote Current Challenge "By the Most-Righteous-and-Blessed Beard of Sir Tanktimus the Encourager!" - Jarl Rurik Harrgath Link to comment
annyshay Posted February 19, 2020 Author Report Share Posted February 19, 2020 52 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said: I don't have any advice, just validation for your emotions and a continuing offer of support. Thanks Tank. I wish there was a way to make it pass faster, but I think I just have to hold on till the darkness lifts again. 4 Quote Love as thou wilt. Link to comment
Tanktimus the Encourager Posted February 19, 2020 Report Share Posted February 19, 2020 1 hour ago, annyshay said: Thanks Tank. I wish there was a way to make it pass faster, but I think I just have to hold on till the darkness lifts again. How you feel will indeed pass. The badassery and strength you draw from walking through this experience never will. 2 1 Quote Current Challenge "By the Most-Righteous-and-Blessed Beard of Sir Tanktimus the Encourager!" - Jarl Rurik Harrgath Link to comment
annyshay Posted February 20, 2020 Author Report Share Posted February 20, 2020 Wednesday w1d4 Frodo - Write Worked with my mentee on our research Sam - Friends Chatted with friends online Merry - Budget Updated my budget on YNAB (you need a budget) Pippin - Move 5 minute cool down video on Datura online (belly dance video website) 4 Quote Love as thou wilt. Link to comment
Mad Hatter Posted February 20, 2020 Report Share Posted February 20, 2020 All I can offer is hugs and support - those are some quite murky waters. But I'm convinced that in the end it will be worth dealing with it. Also, it's ok to feel shame, and it's ok to feel shame about feeling shame! It's all good and I'm sure it's part of some (terribly unpleasant) process. 21 minutes ago, annyshay said: 5 minute cool down video on Datura online (belly dance video website) Oooh fun! 2 Quote Link to comment
annyshay Posted February 20, 2020 Author Report Share Posted February 20, 2020 3 hours ago, Mad Hatter said: All I can offer is hugs and support - those are some quite murky waters. But I'm convinced that in the end it will be worth dealing with it. Also, it's ok to feel shame, and it's ok to feel shame about feeling shame! It's all good and I'm sure it's part of some (terribly unpleasant) process. Oooh fun! Thanks sweetheart. It is fun! I figure that I can do stuff with less twisting on my foot than Lindy. 2 Quote Love as thou wilt. Link to comment
Mad Hatter Posted February 20, 2020 Report Share Posted February 20, 2020 Yeah belly dance is a great option! You could even focus entirely on the hips and upper body and I suspect that the insane control required for isolations would indirectly transfer to any other dance. Plus it’s cool in its own right. 2 Quote Link to comment
annyshay Posted February 20, 2020 Author Report Share Posted February 20, 2020 1 hour ago, Mad Hatter said: Yeah belly dance is a great option! You could even focus entirely on the hips and upper body and I suspect that the insane control required for isolations would indirectly transfer to any other dance. Plus it’s cool in its own right. My mom and I actually took classes in it years ago... like 10 years ago. We had a ton of fun, and I was pretty good at it. I'm excited to get back into some of the drills, but first I'm starting REALLY SLOWLY with small amounts of work so that I don't get overwhelmed and nope out of it. 2 Quote Love as thou wilt. Link to comment
Mad Hatter Posted February 20, 2020 Report Share Posted February 20, 2020 2 hours ago, annyshay said: My mom and I actually took classes in it years ago... like 10 years ago. We had a ton of fun, and I was pretty good at it. I'm excited to get back into some of the drills, but first I'm starting REALLY SLOWLY with small amounts of work so that I don't get overwhelmed and nope out of it. That's perfect! Hope you'll get to really enjoy the movements. 1 Quote Link to comment
annyshay Posted February 21, 2020 Author Report Share Posted February 21, 2020 Thursday w1d5 Frodo - Write Didn't really do anything Sam - Friends Chatted with friends online Merry - Budget Updated my budget on YNAB (you need a budget) Pippin - Move Rest Day 2 Quote Love as thou wilt. Link to comment
lucky fire dragon Posted February 21, 2020 Report Share Posted February 21, 2020 adding on some more hugs and joining in on the continuous support crowd for you ❤️ no matter which murky waters you are wading through. How cool on the belly dance!! I was missing the dancing in your life on your behalf. How brilliant you are finding alternatives to the Lindy hop! 1 Quote Level 18 Wood-Elf Assassin battle log: counting the good things current challenge: something, nothing, all the things previous challenges: 25, 24, 23, 22, 21, 20, 19, 18, 17, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 How cool is it that the same God who created mountains and oceans and galaxies looked at you and thought the world needed one of you, too Link to comment
annyshay Posted February 21, 2020 Author Report Share Posted February 21, 2020 3 hours ago, lucky fire dragon said: adding on some more hugs and joining in on the continuous support crowd for you ❤️ no matter which murky waters you are wading through. How cool on the belly dance!! I was missing the dancing in your life on your behalf. How brilliant you are finding alternatives to the Lindy hop! Thanks, Lucky. I need all the support I can get. I'm excited to get some dance going again, yes! Quote Love as thou wilt. Link to comment
annyshay Posted February 21, 2020 Author Report Share Posted February 21, 2020 Hello my dear nerds. I had therapy again this morning, so it's time for another update on all the feels. Today ended up being a conversation between my younger self and my current self about how I still believe that I am fundamentally broken and unlovable. My current self was offering objective evidence that that's just not true. My younger self didn't change her mind, but she did at least keep listening. She didn't run away or shut down like she has in the past. This is a lot of progress. At the end I gave her a hug (with consent) and told her that we're going to keep talking about this. It sounds a lot cleaner when I write it out than it actually feels. It's wrenching, and I sobbed on and off through the whole conversation because it's so unfair that I'm stuck believing this garbage. We debriefed and touched on a lot of different things. I'm feeling really alone with the weight of this work. My mom doesn't know how to listen to what I'm struggling with at the moment. We talked a lot about ways to cope with the grief and depression that I'm feeling. None of it was new. All of it was important. At the moment, the panic and anxiety that I was feeling have receded, and I'm dealing with the weight of the depression that is gripping me. I wake up early. I nap too much. I'm not enjoying reading or video games. Simple things bring tears to my eyes. I can't seem to focus on things at work for more than 10-15 minutes. It seems like none of this is going to ever change. Textbook depression. I'm already doing all the right things to get better... meds, therapy, meditation, breath work, gratitude journaling, reaching out for support, and on and on. My therapist agreed with something my current self said to my child self, basically that it makes sense that we're in so much pain at the moment and maybe that's ok. She told me that I'm basically grieving and it's just going to take time. Not what I want to hear, but it makes sense. I really appreciate you folks listening and supporting me through this. *hugs* 4 1 Quote Love as thou wilt. Link to comment
lucky fire dragon Posted February 21, 2020 Report Share Posted February 21, 2020 Please feel free to pm anytime if you feel it might help! But it does sound like you are on the right track and I do so hope for you this very painful part is nearly over ❤️❤️❤️ 1 Quote Level 18 Wood-Elf Assassin battle log: counting the good things current challenge: something, nothing, all the things previous challenges: 25, 24, 23, 22, 21, 20, 19, 18, 17, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 How cool is it that the same God who created mountains and oceans and galaxies looked at you and thought the world needed one of you, too Link to comment
Tanktimus the Encourager Posted February 21, 2020 Report Share Posted February 21, 2020 2 hours ago, annyshay said: My mom doesn't know how to listen to what I'm struggling with at the moment. I'm not your mom, nor anyone's mom, but I know how to listen. 1 Quote Current Challenge "By the Most-Righteous-and-Blessed Beard of Sir Tanktimus the Encourager!" - Jarl Rurik Harrgath Link to comment
Chris-Tien Jinn Posted February 22, 2020 Report Share Posted February 22, 2020 Here's looking at you, Beautiful! 1 Quote Level 4 Human Ranger/Paladin "We are better than we know, if we can be made to see it, [then] for the rest of our lives, we'll be unwilling to settle for less." - Kurt Hahn STR: 9 | DEX: 10 | CON: 14 | INT: 13 | WIS: 14 | CHA: 13 Link to comment
Elastigirl Posted February 22, 2020 Report Share Posted February 22, 2020 Sending my love and prayers. 1 Quote Wisdom 22.5 Dexterity 13 Charisma 15 Strength 21 Constitution-13 "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and with all your mind' Luke 10; 27 Link to comment
annyshay Posted February 22, 2020 Author Report Share Posted February 22, 2020 Friday w1d6 Frodo - Write Wrote more than 100 words on my novel Edited our proposal for research Sam - Friends Chatted with friends online Merry - Budget Updated my budget on YNAB (you need a budget) Pippin - Move Rest day 2 Quote Love as thou wilt. Link to comment
annyshay Posted February 22, 2020 Author Report Share Posted February 22, 2020 13 hours ago, lucky fire dragon said: Please feel free to pm anytime if you feel it might help! But it does sound like you are on the right track and I do so hope for you this very painful part is nearly over ❤️❤️❤️ I may take you up on that. 13 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said: I'm not your mom, nor anyone's mom, but I know how to listen. And I appreciate it so much! 8 hours ago, Chris-Tien Jinn said: Here's looking at you, Beautiful! Thanks, CTJ. 6 hours ago, Elastigirl said: Sending my love and prayers. *hugs* 3 Quote Love as thou wilt. Link to comment
Lara Posted February 22, 2020 Report Share Posted February 22, 2020 So sorry you're having such a rough time. You definitely have a lot on your plate. Don't give up. It's when it looks darker that we're on the edge of a change. Be strong *hugs* 1 Quote The battle must be fought anew every day Link to comment
annyshay Posted February 22, 2020 Author Report Share Posted February 22, 2020 2 minutes ago, zenLara said: So sorry you're having such a rough time. You definitely have a lot on your plate. Don't give up. It's when it looks darker that we're on the edge of a change. Be strong *hugs* Thanks love. I'm trying. *hugs* Quote Love as thou wilt. Link to comment
Aquarii Posted February 22, 2020 Report Share Posted February 22, 2020 I am new to your thread, but I thought I would say hi. I am sorry you are having such a rough time; dealing with that situation sounds stressful and exhausting. You are so strong and determined though. I admire your willingness to face those emotions head on in therapy and really make an effort to sort through everything. Keep up the good work; you will get through this Also, your story on the mini thread was beautiful and inspiring. 2 Quote Chaotic-Neutral, Elven Bladesinger (Apprentice): Level 1 Current Stats: STR 11 || DEX 11 || CON 12 || INT 15 || WIS 15 || CHA 12 Goal Stats: STR 14 || DEX 17+ || CON 14 || INT 18+ || WIS 18+ || CHA 14 "To dare is to lose one's footing momentarily; to not dare is to lose one's self". - Søren Kierkegaard Link to comment
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