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Teros

Teros 60

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 Where do I begin?

 

It feels so awkward posting on here but I need to do it.  I've  said for like 3+ fucking years that I need to get back on here, but I'm not doing shit that would have me build a support network that I need.  When I was part of the NF family, I lost 120 pounds, ended my 12 year long toxic enmeshed relationship, burned all my things in a funeral pyre, beat a Spartan race, and started doing mma.  When school hit 4ish years ago, all the emotional/mental work that I did regressed back to square one.  My health declined. Sleep lost.  Anxiety spiked through the roof.  Depression made my brain and body halt to a crawl.  Re-gained back all of the weight that I fought so hard to lose.  I lost the woman I wanted to spend my life with first from cancer and then again because of her emotional issues.  My mom died.  Four family pets died.  Dozens of unsatisfying shitty relationships ping-ponged around with an unhealthy dose of abrupt abandonment and lots of binge eating.  Loss of friends and important people in my life, leading me to feeling hollow and empty - like I've lost my heart and soul.  Let's just say... it's been a really fucking rough time.

 

NF isn't something I can abandon because the difference between having support from all you lovelies and being isolated and stressed and unable to be here is like night and day.  I have another challenge on the side where I am working piece-by-piece on the relationship emotional ruins that I feel; but I think it's time I jump into being here like I used to do.  With that, my challenge:

 

-------------------------------------------

 

Workouts - 4x week.  I've been going to the gym and using the elliptical 3 or 4 times a week for the past couple of weeks but it's not doing anything if I keep eating garbage and only am doing a little bit.  I want to try this challenge to do some dumbbell workouts so I might do 2 weights/2 cardio but it's really more about feeling it out and doing what I want.  I used to say on here all the time that the best workout is the one that you stick with so I would rather not be pigeon-holed into doing a specific *thing* but rather go with what works for me.

 

Sleep - Christ, I have had such awful sleep for so long that last week when I slept for 7.5 hours I was shocked and almost manic the first part of the day.  I thought about it and I literally don't remember the past few YEARS ever getting more than 6 hours of broken sleep *at best*.  I need to make this a priority, obviously; and that means putting my foot down with bedtimes and having a night routine.  No matter what - Sunday through Thursday I'm going to bed at 9pm.  I have an alarm set on my phone.  Friday and Saturday I would like to also go to bed then, but I'm not going to be penalized if i stay up until 10 or so on those days.

 

Study - I have to pass my LCSW exam and because of the anxiety I have, I postpone it.  I use getting in better physical and emotional health as excuses to not work on this; but then I continue to not do things to better my physical and emotional health....so I'm at the point that I am self-sabotaging.  I need to say, 'Fuck you, BRAIN, just do all of it right at the same time and stop bitching with excuses'.  I'm not sure what is doable for this, but I know I have about 450 pages of a study guide so I'm going to break that down into manageable chunks and read a few pages at a time.  If I tell myself to read, say, 20 pages then my brain will shut off at around page 3.  So instead, I need to do 5-page bursts and then maybe play a game in-between as a brain palate cleanser.  I don't have certain days picked out yet, but if I can maybe do this study-game-study-game a couple times a week, I should be able to get this book done before the challenge is over.  Then next challenge, I can sign up for the practice exam and study that the following challenge and finally take the test and be DONE with this bullshit.

 

Eat - Like I said in the workouts part; I eat garbage and because of that, it creates a cascading effect.  Sugar is toxic.  There's no one that can convince me otherwise.  My depression and anxiety are ramped up when I eat sugar.  My sleep is garbage when I eat sugar. My weight obviously suffers when I eat sugar.  It's an addiction, and one that I can't give excuses for.  'Oh it's just 5 hershey kisses'.  No it's not - it's like 30 when I feel this binge feeling happen and I don't feel in control of my body as I shovel down candy like a fat jackass.  I need to have a zero tolerance rule.  Most likely a whole30 because that's literally the only way I can detox from this shit.  I'll also be batch cooking 1 or 2 times a week.  I'll see what works better.

 

Socialize - This is a two-parter.  I need to 1) Socialize with certain people less.  2) Be on here more.

 

1)My sister is a depression sinkhole.  Our mom has been dead for over a year and my sister doesn't work: she just sits at home and plays some stupid bejeweled shit on her phone and whines.  Me interacting with her does more bad than good.  Also, she has the storehouse of all the candy and junk.  As difficult as it is, I need to avoid my own sister who lives next door to me for my own mental health.  It's obvious she needs help but she would rather sulk and feel shitty and ask, 'What's the point!?' like my mom did before she died...  Another person I need to socialize less with is a ladyfriend by the name of JJ.  I've known her for a while but she is an enabler, can't make decisions on her own, and ends up dragging me down with her.  Yet another sad, fat, ambitionless loser in my life.  And again, as much as I would like to help her; I need to avoid her for my own mental health.  Although I care about both of these people, I think I need to set aside days/times/places to interact with them so that way *I* am in control.  For instance, I'm not going next door to see my sister because I'm not dealing with the temptation of candy: she can come over here.  I'm not going to JJ's place to hang out so she can come over here.

 

2)As I stated above, being on here is what empowered me enough to believe in myself and get shit done so I need to be on here more.  I don't know if I should post on a certain number of threads, post here a certain number of times per week, or both.  Maybe I should just consider 5x week NF to count.  So if I check a few threads then that counts as 1, if I update my thread it's 1.

 

I'll also count socializing with NF if I play a game with any of you so if you want to play, then you can add me on Steam:  terosx

 

I need more positivity in my life so I'll take it wherever I can get it; especially if I'm cutting out two huge portions of my socializing (Sister/JJ).

 

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11 minutes ago, TheMadness said:

I need more positivity in my life

You rang sir?

 

You have been through so much, and despite all the ups and downs, do you know what stayed the same?

 

YOU. NEVER. QUIT.

 

You may have backslidden, you may have gained weight you didn't want to gain back, but you have always returned here. The only way to lose is to give up, and if you ever feel like you've given up, you only have to un-give up to un-lose. 

 

You are going to get through all this simply because if you were gonna give in and wither you would have done so by now. There is something in you, deeper than all the trauma, deeper than all the pain, deeper than all the behaviors you want to change, deeper than everything you wish you hadn't done. That something is the will to live, and you have it in spades.

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image.jpeg

 

Hello my friend. I am glad to see you are here. You know that I will regularly harass you and if you need to have a workout buddy, you know you can count on me (via virtual methods). 

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1 hour ago, TheMadness said:

NF isn't something I can abandon because the difference between having support from all you lovelies and being isolated and stressed and unable to be here is like night and day.

 

Dude, don't make my cry. 

 

2 hours ago, TheMadness said:

So if I check a few threads then that counts as 1

 

You are always welcome in my thread, brother.

 

2 hours ago, TheMadness said:

I need more positivity in my life so I'll take it wherever I can get it

 

You got it, buddy.

 

giphy.gif

 

I'm really glad to see you here, and I am proud of you for recognizing what you need to heal and grow, and I am honored to be part of the community that will help support you. Let me know if I can help in any way.

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I'm here my friend, maybe not as much as I'd like to be but always here cheering from the sidelines

 

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oh how i've missed you dear friend. life isn't always going to be on the upswing, but that doesn't mean you have to go through the deep alone. 

Image result for he's back gif

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I wasn't sure what to expect when I hopped back on here to make a post about my plans for next week and I read all these messages and I started to tear up.  Yes.  Yes I need to be here.

 

Image result for nod gif
 
 
I read something a few minutes ago that made a lightbulb go off in my head.  It reads:
 
"When you are delighted with anything, be delighted as with a thing which is not one of those which cannot be taken away, but as something of such a kind, as an earthen pot is, or a glass cup, that, when it has been broken, you may remember what it was and may not be troubled.... What you love is nothing of your own: it has been given to you for the present, not that it should not be taken from you, nor has it been given to you for all time, but as a fig is given to you or a bunch of grapes at the appointed season of the year.  But if you wish for these things in winter, you are a fool.  So if you wish for your son or friend when it is not allowed to you, you must know that you are wishing for a fig in winter."
- Epictetus
 
 
I ruminated on it and then there was a connection that clicked something in my head from Fight Club.
 

 

 

:40-:60 seconds.  I realized that people do this with *people*, not just sofas.  And I realized I was doing that with a relationship as well.  And it sort of.... I don't know.  It feels like a puzzle piece connected in my brain.  I needed to square that thing away. I needed to complete that last piece of who I was, so as long as I had that portion done, then I could move on.  Because I 'owned' that feeling, it ended up owning me.  I'll need to let this settle in my brain for a bit because I feel like this is something way way bigger than I'm making it out to be.  I mean, I can hear cliche advice like, 'don't be sad because it's gone, be happy because it happened' and other shit in the same vein but that never really settled right with me.  This connection however... this sort of stoic quote combined with how I already logically felt makes more sense. It's like it was spoken in a language I can understand, rather than diatribe and cliche.

 

Thank you all for the kind words.  I'm glad I made this decision.  Sadly, I can't change my name back yet because there is a waiting period.

 

This weekend is going to be out of order but the plan once the challenge itself starts is going to be a dumbbell workout on mon/wed/fri.  I'll hit the gym for cardio on tues/thurs.  And the weekends will be rest.  I'm going to have a talk with my sister whenever she comes over to see me next time and in doing so, my plan is to have an evening a week set aside to do something fun with her; like a board game or whatever.  Rather than chasing tail; I'm focusing on going to BED so I can be in a much better place mentally.  I have a convention and some cooking to do today so I'll do that and post again shortly as the challenge starts.

 

Also, I'm posting this here because after watching that clip, it was recommended I listen to this:

 

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On 2/15/2020 at 9:15 AM, TheMadness said:

I realized that people do this with *people*, not just sofas.

Never looked at it this way but you're right...like one more box to check so many of us do this with different aspects of our lives...

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Dude, three of my favorite things in one post: Stoicism, Fight Club, and Thoreau. Glad some things are looking up for you, buddy.

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Was sorting through my 500000000 bookmarks and I have some semblance of structure, with a dating, nf, sw, learning, music, food, shopping, creative, fitness, unsorted(still) groups of folders in my bookmark tabs.  I ended up listening to a bunch of songs bookmarked and this one kept popping up.  It's so fucking catchy and well done for a music video.  Enjoy.

 

I was waiting until I finished the first week of the beginner dumbbell workouts to give an overall progress report so here it is...

 

Workouts: So....I'm terrible at this.  It's a beginner video and there is a big emphasis on form and correct posture and my posture is basically garbage.  Many times I was struggling to do the warm-ups, nevermind get a single set of these exercises done.  Still, I forced myself to do plank-twists, seated rows, box steps, bent-over rows, farmer squats, and all the other ones I'm forgetting.  The program is 12 weeks so next week is supposed to be 'intermediate'.  ...intermediate....

Image result for haha
 

 

ha.

 

Seeing as how I was lucky to get a set or more done (when I'm supposed to do 3 sets of each) means that I think I'm sticking with week 1 for many, many, many weeks.  Things I realized while doing this program:

 

1) I have a curve in my back from hunching over so much.  Laying flat legit hurts me.

2) My right knee is significantly weaker and in pain compared to my left.

3) My feet and rolling ankles basically make me a walking Jenga tower.

 

Three strikes, but I'm not out.  If I had perfect posture and perfect form and was able to do the sets that I'm supposed to do; then I would totally go onto next week.  But as it stands, I really need to take care of the above shit problems FIRST before I get out of the beginner phase.

 

I keep telling myself, "This is the worst you can possibly do" and that's helped a bit.  I know that as demoralizing and shitty this week of workouts was, it can't possibly get worse unless I push myself too hard and get an injury on top of those current issues.  It's the safe and responsible thing to keep doing week 1 until I 'complete' it.  As in, I'm able to use my dumbbells and complete all warms-ups and full sets.  Once I can do that, then I will move onto the next week.

 

In the meantime, I still hit the elliptical at the gym like I intended.  An unforseen situation though: a ladyfriend wants to do these workouts with me and join the YMCA.  I work better alone but with support.  Having a workout 'buddy' ..idk...I'm very hesitant about it.  Every other time a person has glomed onto me while I'm trying to better myself they end up pulling me down.  I remember my mom trying to go and then slacking and bitching about going, making it a miserable and un-immersive experience.  Similar with my sister trying.  Similar to my ex trying.  Similar to dude-bro friends wanting to get into mma.  However, the difference with this one is she was in the military and has a lot of physical fitness knowledge so I'm going to give it a try so someone can at least spot me so I can be more mindful of how I'm screwing up.

 

Look, I want to be an Adonis.  It's going to take literal years to get to that point but I don't care.  I know I've had this need for so long that I know it's not going away.  I wanna be one of those 40+ year old jacked dudes that look like they're 25.  So if it takes me 5 years, I'll still end up looking 10 years younger than currently 😛 

 

Sleep: I ended up staying up late twice this week and the other days I went to bed within 30 minutes of when I wanted to.  This is something I need to be mindful about literally every fucking day.  Also I noticed that if I play a game at like 8:30 or so; I end up wired and can't fall asleep right after. So although I have a new gamer friend that wants to play, I think I need to relegate that to certain days or something.

 

Study: I downloaded the book.  I haven't read any of it yet but I know what I want to do.  I'm thinking that this challenge is more about making sure I've hit all these targets and established these habits before it's over; rather than hitting an A+ every week.

 

Eat: Ok this one is almost an A.  I have officially stopped going over JJ's place, thus avoiding all that junk.  I also haven't been to my sister's side of the house in a couple days.  I have some orange juice and prunes as possible sugar backups, but I'm refusing to break a whole 30 after this week is over.  I'm aiming for an A+ on this next week.  I made Indian food this week: aloo gobi and chicken korma which both turned out awesome.  I also made some balsamic chicken with mushroom, onions, and spinach.  I feel better.  And I think that once this is a solid A+, the mental foggyness and slacking will start to fade (because it ALWAYS has once I stay strict on whole30) so that means 'Study' will be getting better shortly.

 

Socialize: This was a 2-parter.  As I said in the 'eating' info, I stopped going over JJ's place which has helped a lot for me.  I'm still waiting for my sister to come over here and say that she hasn't seen me in a while so I can tell her that I'm not going over there anymore and then figure out a weeknight to hang out and play board games or something.  Once that happens, I can then fill in the timeslots with everyone else and my socializing will be pretty solid.  Then there's being on here.  I'm posting on here yet again, which is an improvement from the past...like....4 or so challenges.  But I still want to check on people's thread.  The plan today is to make a couple phone calls that I've been putting off, go food shopping, start some cooking, and have JJ come over.  Saturday is probably going to be *********Attempting******** to study and also checking on threads to see how the first week went for a few people.

 

One last thing that I think I need to talk about a little bit is what happened last weekend.  There's no easy way to talk about it so I'm blurting it out:  I think I'm polyamorous.  There was a kink convention this past weekend and there was a speaker who talked about her husband and her boyfriend, as well as the roles she has in the kink community.  She was a sexual Switch, that had sadistic tendencies.  She loved giving service but she realized she was much more dynamic than the traditional roles in BDSM.  And after she started talking about all of it....something clicked in me.  I've uh...been struggling mentally this week with this sort of realization.  I'm sure at some point I'll go into more detail and blurt out a huge rant but for right now; let's just say that I'm extremely contemplative.

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On 2/11/2020 at 3:27 PM, Teros said:

I'll also count socializing with NF if I play a game with any of you so if you want to play, then you can add me on Steam:  terosx

Which games you speak of, Brawlhall or more?

 

On 2/11/2020 at 3:41 PM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

OU. NEVER. QUIT.

 

You may have backslidden, you may have gained weight you didn't want to gain back, but you have always returned here. The only way to lose is to give up, and if you ever feel like you've given up, you only have to un-give up to un-lose. 

Truth for this!

You may have not gone where you thought you would be when things went well, but you are in a better place. 

Even despite the chaos, you not only cleaned up your mom's area in no time (I had a bed for over 6 months before I dealt with it from my dad's passing). Your updates were often, you did to keep sane. 

Yes the sugar is seductive and doesn't help, but you are dealing with an uphill battle with support being mainly online (and you STILL HELP othres when you can0. 

 

THanks for reaching out to me, will get caught up here later today. Glad you are here :)

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(Double posting for the sake of just being caught up). 

On 2/21/2020 at 9:04 AM, Teros said:

I ended up listening to a bunch of songs bookmarked and this one kept popping up.  It's so fucking catchy and well done for a music video.  Enjoy.

This used to be on my regular listen for a couple of years!! 

Now in a relationship, I listen to it minimally... I'm the jealous type don't need anything extra to add to it. I however do break out into dance almost every time I do hear it on the radio or suggesntion. 

 

 

On 2/21/2020 at 9:04 AM, Teros said:

Look, I want to be an Adonis.  It's going to take literal years to get to that point but I don't care.  I know I've had this need for so long that I know it's not going away.  I wanna be one of those 40+ year old jacked dudes that look like they're 25.  So if it takes me 5 years, I'll still end up looking 10 years younger than currently 😛

I feel yah on these fitness levels! 

Personally anytime I look at any workout I know I'm sticking with the warm up and than the flexibility (doing research for flexibity with my back and such). Realizing as I turn 25, it doesn't matter how quickly I get there. It matters if I help myself for the future better!

Good luck with the military buddy!

 

For food, I know we discussed this. But how do you not just eat everything in one sitting? How do you have food leftover... Maybe I'm underesitmating all my food. 

 

 

 May you see what you need with all the parts of you for figuring out what you need in this lifetime!

 

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17 hours ago, Bouncer_the_Lovable said:

Brawlhall or more?

Do you know how much that game fucked with me when I saw there was a TEROS that was a BULL?  Wtf are the odds of that?  I spent years doing random searches for my name and nothing ever came up and then there's a videogame where my avatar exists!?

 

11 hours ago, Bouncer_the_Lovable said:

I however do break out into dance almost every time I do hear it on the radio or suggesntion. 

The jazz-hand from the James Bond character comes out from me, at the bare minumum 😛
 

11 hours ago, Bouncer_the_Lovable said:

I know we discussed this. But how do you not just eat everything in one sitting? How do you have food leftover... Maybe I'm underesitmating all my food.

 

Oh I end up eating everything in one sitting that I put on my plate.  It could just be a matter of what you are eating.  I know that throwing in some sweet potatoes or butternut squash seemed to fill me up.  How much are you eating?  Like...what do you think is 'too much' or 'too little'?  Your body basically tells you.

 

-----------------------------------

 

Ok, I did a really hard thing.  I sent an email to a kink instructor from last week and I spilled my guts out.  I said that I was scared and confused and didn't know what to do with this poly realization.  I sent a frigging wall of text so I'll see what happens, if anything.

 

In other news, a ladyfriend's mom had a seizure and so she's traveling this week. I'm house-sitting.  Which is basically cat-sitting a couple fur-babies.  One of them is nervous and skittish around me but all the others like me and flop onto my feet or stay perched within arm's reach.  I'll check on them every other day so they have enough water and some wet food.

 

Other pet news: Frank, my runt of a black pug, had to finally get some teeth pulled.  He has had bad teeth for years.  His face was all puffy.

https://imgur.com/a/hINcDqz

pictured: Frank

 

(I'm testing using imgur so let me know if the link above works, please)

 

That leads into an update here:

On 2/21/2020 at 10:04 AM, Teros said:

Socialize: This was a 2-parter.  As I said in the 'eating' info, I stopped going over JJ's place which has helped a lot for me.  I'm still waiting for my sister to come over here and say that she hasn't seen me in a while so I can tell her that I'm not going over there anymore and then figure out a weeknight to hang out and play board games or something. 

 

This finally happened.  My sister came over with Frank and I asked if I could talk to her for a couple of minutes.  I explained that I'm not going on her side of the house anymore.  She said she could have hidden stuff and I said that didn't matter.  I end up eating bars of baking chocolate or mini marshmallows when I'm desperate.  She pause for a sec and agreed.  The same shit has happened to her and she understood where I was coming from.  I suggested a game night so we can play a random board game or cards and she was up for it.  I don't have a date set in stone because the person with the most restrictive schedule hasn't told me what days work.  I can structure a hang-out schedule soon.


 

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I had my second beginner dumbbell workout yesterday.  Hooooooooo boy. I at least finished through a set of all of the exercises.  It was less painful and thus, I felt less defeated.  My goal is to master this week by doing it again and again and again. 

 

Once I'm able to comfortable do the entire week's program, I'll move on to the next one.  It's supposed to be a 12-week workout but this, honestly, might take me a solid year to master.  And I can always bump up the weight and run through it again.  I feel better about this program.  It's all figured out for me so all I need to do is bust my ass 3x a week.  Today was my cardio day so I hit the elliptical and then had my turkey bacon and 2 eggs and oj for breakfast.  I plan on studying today, which I mentioned before how I keep procrastinating on.

 

In other news not really related to the challenge, I uh....contacted some people.  I went to a fetish flea market over a week ago and I decided to contact the people who run it and say what I felt it was missing as a newcomer.  I also *might* have volunteered to help with the program for next year, since they are about bringing in newcomers and as a newcomer; I might have a different perspective from them.  We'll see how that goes.  I also contacted a local fetish coalition with some questions.

 

This is a huge deal for me, ok?  Growing up in a Catholic school where any sort of physical contact was shamed.  My mom always hated men and thought they 'thought with their dicks'.  Add in a 12 year toxic enmeshed relationship where there was NO sex life.  Then all the disasters through a dating website where women were forceful with me, made me feel uncomfortable, and the machismo of society telling dudes to just be a walking hard-on all combine to make me have a very, very, VERY repressed and shameful feeling towards my sexuality.  The kink event and emailing multiple people over the past week is a massive step for me to get over the stigma that has been ingrained in me for literally decades.  I'm scared but...hopeful...I think.  Even talking about here and opening up about it is kind of a big deal for me.  But if I'm ever going to be ok with *me*, then I need do this.

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8 minutes ago, Teros said:

I had my second beginner dumbbell workout yesterday.  Hooooooooo boy. I at least finished through a set of all of the exercises.  It was less painful and thus, I felt less defeated.  My goal is to master this week by doing it again and again and again. 

 

Once I'm able to comfortable do the entire week's program, I'll move on to the next one.  It's supposed to be a 12-week workout but this, honestly, might take me a solid year to master.  And I can always bump up the weight and run through it again.  I feel better about this program.  It's all figured out for me so all I need to do is bust my ass 3x a week.  Today was my cardio day so I hit the elliptical and then had my turkey bacon and 2 eggs and oj for breakfast.  I plan on studying today, which I mentioned before how I keep procrastinating on.

 

In other news not really related to the challenge, I uh....contacted some people.  I went to a fetish flea market over a week ago and I decided to contact the people who run it and say what I felt it was missing as a newcomer.  I also *might* have volunteered to help with the program for next year, since they are about bringing in newcomers and as a newcomer; I might have a different perspective from them.  We'll see how that goes.  I also contacted a local fetish coalition with some questions.

 

This is a huge deal for me, ok?  Growing up in a Catholic school where any sort of physical contact was shamed.  My mom always hated men and thought they 'thought with their dicks'.  Add in a 12 year toxic enmeshed relationship where there was NO sex life.  Then all the disasters through a dating website where women were forceful with me, made me feel uncomfortable, and the machismo of society telling dudes to just be a walking hard-on all combine to make me have a very, very, VERY repressed and shameful feeling towards my sexuality.  The kink event and emailing multiple people over the past week is a massive step for me to get over the stigma that has been ingrained in me for literally decades.  I'm scared but...hopeful...I think.  Even talking about here and opening up about it is kind of a big deal for me.  But if I'm ever going to be ok with *me*, then I need do this.

great work on sticking with the program brother. 

i agree that is huge. the biggest part of being human, i think, is to truly know and accept yourself for who you are. and making these strides are no small feat. 

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11 hours ago, Teros said:

 

Once I'm able to comfortable do the entire week's program, I'll move on to the next one. 

I remember from another fitness site that said if you just changed up every 4-6 weeks it'll keep things going!

 

Happy you are keeping up with the gym and taking care of yourself.

 

Hope the fetish group is a positive community to be a part of!

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On 2/25/2020 at 9:31 AM, kzacher said:

great work on sticking with the program brother. 

i agree that is huge. the biggest part of being human, i think, is to truly know and accept yourself for who you are. and making these strides are no small feat.

Thanks!  Good to see you back btw.

 

Society tells you what to do, how to think, how to act - you end up developing a shade of what you *think* you are supposed to be but your true self doesn't always agree.  Breaking free from that is huge de-conditoning.

 

On 2/25/2020 at 9:20 PM, Bouncer_the_Lovable said:

I remember from another fitness site that said if you just changed up every 4-6 weeks it'll keep things going!

 

Happy you are keeping up with the gym and taking care of yourself.

 

Hope the fetish group is a positive community to be a part of!

 

Ya I'm hoping I'm not stuck on week 1 for a solid 6 weeks; and instead can move on to the next phase.  But realistically, I'll see.  I have a lot of muscle imbalances and stiff joints that need to be corrected before I can push myself to my limit.

 

As for the fetish community: no response yet from anyone.  Which is disheartening.  You would think a community that prides itself on inclusivity would, you know, respond.

 

On 2/25/2020 at 10:44 PM, Red1263 said:

You're going great, man! Keep it going!

REEEEEEEEED why are you not playing anything with me on steam?  I seem to just miss you on there.

 

How much left of school?

 

---------------

 

I did it.  I studied.  I read through almost 40 pages of a 450+ page book

Image result for feels good man imgur

 

 

Feels good man.

 

Finally I feel like I'm gaining some traction.  I did my dumbbell workout yesterday.  Hit the elliptical today.  I'll hit the dumbbell workout tomorrow and then recoup over the weekend.

 

In terms of eating, it's been tough and I've had some serious cravings; but I've got a handle on it.  My biggest issue was always the first week or so because I physically detox from sugar withdrawals.  Zero energy. Angry. Frustrated. Depressed.  Want to binge constantly.  If I can brute force through the tough time (which is currently), then those shitty physical and mental symptoms start fading.  And if I keep it up for about 3 weeks, I hit the Tiger's Blood phase and I fire on all cylinders.  It's suffering up to that point that is the hardest and I'm doing it.

 

In other news, although it's not on my challenge- I ended up doing some AAAAARRRRRRT this week.  I finally picked up where I left off with my Krampus.  I finished some painting of it, did the hooves, and chopped up the fur that I hot glue-gunned onto the legs and waist.  Depending on my mood, I might finish it up this weekend and I'll post some pics.  I don't know if I should post pics in progress or just the final result.

 

Oh, my last note - I was feeling a little shitty late last night.  I decided to see if I could contact a woman I cared about like 3 months ago; figuring I was going to just get ignored.

 

I wasn't.  I'm not sure what this means.  Once I know how I feel about it, I'll post more but I might be hanging out in the next couple days with her.

 

 

 

edit:  I always re-read what I post (and sometimes still don't notice typos. Yay me.) and looking at what I just posted.... Fuck yeah.  Go me.  Goddamn, I think things are finally not looking bleak and shitty.  If this trend continues, I can make NF a bigger priority as I get better sleep and have more energy and feel more positive.

 

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On 2/27/2020 at 10:16 AM, Teros said:

REEEEEEEEED why are you not playing anything with me on steam?  I seem to just miss you on there.

 

How much left of school?

Err I haven't playing anything on Stream lately, I've been busy running around like my head's been cut off! Are you sure you're following the right Red?

 

Dude, I'm literally on the last quarter of my program, come March 27th, I'm a free man!... Until Residency :P

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On 2/27/2020 at 1:16 PM, Teros said:

 

I did it.  I studied.  I read through almost 40 pages of a 450+ page book

Yes! Good on you. I hate stuff like this - it makes you anxious in ways you don't even realize until it's behind you. Ten more sessions and it's done.

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On 2/28/2020 at 9:57 PM, Red1263 said:

I haven't playing anything on Stream lately,

 

Ya I checked and you haven't been on in a while.  I guess when my friends list pops up, I always see your name there and just assumed you were on recently.  3ish weeks left!

 

On 3/6/2020 at 10:58 PM, juliebarkley said:

Ten more sessions and it's done.

 

Yup. I want to do another chunk tomorrow.

 

On 2/27/2020 at 2:40 PM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I'm excited to see things turning around for you in real time.

 

Thanks; it's happening!

-----

 

Ok I haven't written in a little bit.  Holy shit, I checked the date of the last post.  Wtf. I thought it was less than a week ago.  Time has been going by really fast.  I've been keeping up with my workouts; except for last Monday/Tuesday.  Felt kind of shitty.  However, on Thursday I did double the amount to make up for it (meaning I did Tuesday AND Thursday's workout back to back).  That means I've only technically missed 1 workout so far this challenge.  I aim to complete it over the weekend.  I can't do 2 strength workouts in a row because of how much I'm pushing myself with them so I need to plan to do 4 strength workouts one week.  I'm currently doing:

 

Sunday: Off

Monday: Strength

Tuesday: Cardio

Wednesday: Strength

Thursday: Cardio

Friday: Strength

Saturday: Off

 

I'll need to do a strength workout one week on Sunday+Tuesday+Thursday+Saturday.  Then back to my schedule listed above.

 

In other news, I brought a ladyfriend to the vet the other day.  Her cat has been sick for a while and she texted me, saying that she was a wreck and couldn't really drive herself to the vet, since he stopped eating and "it's time".  I picked her and the cat up and brought them to the vet.  The kitty was wrapped up in a blanket and she was tearing up.  The kitty died in her arms before they gave the injection to put him to sleep.

 

She's felt really bad.  And I feel really bad too.  Compact this with her mom who had brain surgery and seems to be in failing health quickly; she's having a really rough time and I'm trying to be there for her (while also taking care of myself).  She gets home late (like 8pm+) and I normally try to sleep 9pm-5am so there's not really any time to hang out unless I sacrifice sleep.

 

I'm doing that a little bit right now to be there for her, but this obviously isn't going to continue.  Since she also works Saturdays, it means I only really see her once a week.  I don't know.... I like her a lot but she's admitted that, as a doctor, she's 'married to her work'.  And I understand that and I don't think she should change *for* me.  I'm glad she's in my life.

 

Workouts are going good.  Sleep took a recent hit to be supportive but will go back to normal soon.  Study - I got a chunk done and aim to do more tomorrow.  

 

Next up is Eat:  It's going PERFECT.  Hoooooly shit, I'm feeling tiger's blood and firing on all cylinders.  Although my strength workouts are physically destroying me and I have doms every single day; I'm recovering before the next workout so I know I'm getting better and better.  The fact that I *can* go to sleep for solid blocks means whole30 is working.  And my depression/anxiety is almost gone (just the sadness/worry I have for ladyfriend).  I decided that I'm going longer than 30 days.  I'm keeping the streak going until March 18th.

 

Why March 18th?  Because March 17th is Saint Patrick's Day and I'm part Irish.  March 19th is Saint Joseph's Day and I'm part Italian.  So I'm going to celebrate both on the 18th.  For Saint Patrick's Day, everyone knows it's booze so I'm going to have a kahlua mudslide.  And Saint Joseph's day is about zepploes (which I can't have because of gluten) so I'll probably make a half-batch of gluten free vanilla cupcakes and put some vanilla pudding in them.

 

Image result for khalua mudslide

&

Image result for zeppole
= March 18th.
 
And I don't want this to lead to a fuck-up off the bandwagon, so March 18th; I'm doing another whole30.  I'm debating on having some ham on Easter but honestly, it's not a big deal.  If I stick with this, the only holidays between now and Halloween are some birthdays and 4th of july and none of those are tempting to me.  I noticed two days ago that the shorts I wear to the gym feel a little baggy.  And my jeans have been swishing around more.  It's working.  Whatever I'm doing THIS time that I wasn't doing LAST time is working.  Last week I decided to throw out my scale.  It flashes on and off and it's inaccurate so fuck it.  I'm not checking.  I'm doing what I'm doing from now until Halloween, with maybe 3 days total as exceptions.
 
Last goal this challenge was Socialize.  The Bad:  I haven't posted on here as much as I mean to.  The Good: I haven't been to JJ's or my sister's place the entire challenge.  I broke free from that shit and as you can see, I'm going strong with whole30 and I aim to complete it.  Today is technically Day 28 but I said I'm extending it.

 

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