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Teros

Teros 60

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I’m so happy Whole 30 is working for you!

 

actually it sounds like everything is going really well! I’m sorry about your friend’s cat, and the mismatched schedules, but I like you attitude and i’m sure she will appreciate your honesty as well. 

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Workout - I'm on top of my workouts.  With the virus, I think I'm going to ditch the 2x gym for cardio and instead walk a goob outside.

 

Sleep - I slept really crappy last night for some reason; but I'm going to sleep more around 10ish.  I also decided that I'm only going to visit a ladyfriend on certain nights, which will mean more consistent sleep.

 

Study - Still chugging along.  Nothing really to say.

 

Eat - Did my whole30.  Having drinks and then starting a new one this Thursday, without exception.

 

Socialize - Walled off from a ladyfriend and my sis, which allowed me to complete my whole30.  Next challenge I think I need to make posting on NF a big goal.

 

So I was supposed to have surgery last Friday for a cyst.  And then it turns out it was just a consultation and not the actual surgery.  Now I need to have a new appointment scheduled.  And with the virus, who knows if going to the hospital at all is even a good idea.  The cyst isn't surface level and not a serious issue.  I just wanted it gone.

 

Anyways, with going to the doctor to have this consultation, it turns out.... I lost 15 pounds.

 

Image result for holy shit
 
So yeah, as Thursday I'm doing another whole30.  THIS is what I needed.  I NEEDED to push enablers away and as soon as that happens: 15 pounds down.  Although the challenge isn't over yet, I consider this a huge success.
 
 
 
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15 pounds! Congratulations!! You worked hard for it, and you made tough choices!

 

Cysts are a pain in the ass. I appreciate consultations, because otherwise it's like WTF ARE YOU DOING?! Unless it's really bothering you or causing you discomfort and pain, I say avoid the hospitals for a while.  If it gets bigger quickly, then that's a different story, but I suspect a lot of surgeries will be postponed a few weeks. 😕

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Congratulations on the weight loss. Clearly, whole30 and NF are key factors to your success and past experience has shown your everyday life can greatly enable or hinder them, so it looks like you'll have to redesign things to serve your goal instead of making it harder.

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Awesome job, take care of you! Wash your hands and we'll see you next challenge! ;) 

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Thanks everyone!

 

Technically the challenge is over but I wanted to make a final post and then make my new challenge.

 

On 3/18/2020 at 4:25 PM, DarK_RaideR said:

Congratulations on the weight loss. Clearly, whole30 and NF are key factors to your success and past experience has shown your everyday life can greatly enable or hinder them, so it looks like you'll have to redesign things to serve your goal instead of making it harder.

 

 

It's the biggest deal.  Those two factors change my mental health dramatically.

 

I guess I'll write a bit and then give my final scores.  I was in the shower and thinking a lot.  I feel I need to decompress from it.  Someone I care about is being really distant and I have a few thoughts as to why, but as I was mulling that over; it spiraled into my head about how I feel about life in general and where I'm at currently in my physical/mental health.

 

For me, life is about being the best that you can be.  Ever since I saw Maslow's Hierarchy of needs as a teenager, it fascinated me.  It impacted me so much, that it became the kernel of knowledge that shaped my thinking.  It's sort of like procedural generation: when you have an idea and then follow the path of logic and apply it to everything else, it makes an interconnecting web that shapes your personal reality.

 

Image result for maslow's hierarchy of needs
 
NF is the major middle piece- Love and Belonging.
 
When I first started here, I was angry and miserable.   I hated life.  I hated myself.  I wanted nothing but bad things to happen.  I would imagine the world all dying off and suffering, like how I was suffering mentally.  As I was able to have the freedom to be myself and be accepted by the people here, the Love and Belonging started to take shape.  I feel that with years of school, I lost that part of the pyramid.
 
Where I'm at now:
Now that I'm back on here(-ish), I'm starting to feel better.  I'm starting to climb the pyramid again, with being able to take care of my health and fitness.  I feel like I'm becoming myself again - the *real* self that I was years ago when I used to post here every single day to a dozen or more threads.  I've realized that the people that I see in my life aren't following this pyramid.  They aren't taking care of their food and sleep.  Not taking care of their physiological needs.  Not taking care of their safety needs.  You can't skip a rung on this pyramid.  You can't just ignore 'safety' and move on.  This is why a partner has been so important to me.  For me, I feel like that fulfills the pyramid and therefore allows me to continue upward.  The problem is the people that I have invested in over the past 5ish years haven't given a shit.  They don't love themselves.  And by extension, I don't think they can actually love me.  They are stuck.  Trapped.  And I'm torn because I want to invest and help people, but ultimately they have to help themselves.  You all were here for me, but no one *made* me go for walks.  No one here came to my house and *made* me swing a sledgehammer.  No one here slapped my hand when I had a cupcake in my mouth.  I learned that I need to value myself - value myself more than others.  Value myself more than any other specific thing.  And that's where I'm at emotionally when it comes to a serious relationship (and my ladyfriend who I said was being distant).  I can't make her love herself.  I can't make her love me.  Just like I couldn't make Lyn love herself or love me.  Same with clients, friends, or strangers.  My sphere of influence is low when I don't showcase myself and retreat from the outside world (which is what I did for like 2 months before this challenge).
 
As I thought about all of this, I realized that maybe, just maybe, love for me is something universal.  In love songs and movies and media, it's always this obsession with another person.  You're willing to die for this other human being and can't live life without them.  And for a very long time, that's how I felt about Lyn.  I felt that she was the key to helping me move up that pyramid.  I wanted a partner: someone who I could push to be their best selves and love; and who would do the same for me.  These past few years, it has become a sobering fact in my life that 'The One' doesn't exist. And the more I've realized this, the more I've see how the world works and been disappointed and defeated.  Do I want to have that tingly in-love feeling and be on an emotional high with someone?  Of course I do.  But I'm realizing that it's toxic.  It's a drug.  Short burst.  And then you need another fix, and another, and another.  It's something to chase and never actually catch, like binge eating a pizza and somehow think that will make you feel better forever; or smoking, or drugs, or whatever else.  Happiness isn't something that is consumed.  You don't buy happiness.  You don't own happiness.  You don't relish and contain happiness.  It's a state of mind.  Although deep in my soul pines for a woman that abandoned me, I know it's not healthy.  I know that she was weak and pathetic.  That she was emotionally stupid.  That she wasn't what she said she was.  She was no Valkyrie.  But, in accepting this; I've sort of lost my faith in people.  She told me that if I lose faith in her, not to lose faith in others.  But truly, I have.  I don't want to invest in another person ever again like that.  I used to think she broke that part of me, but what happened instead was I realized how pathetic it was to try and invest.  I've met broken person after broken person on a dating website.  So much that I basically can predict how things are going.  And right now, it seems I'm going to lose yet another person.
 
And I'm ok with it.  I realize that I love everyone, to a degree.  The client who was sitting at the desk, crying about how his mom never went to his baseball games.  The guy in his 60s who was a heroin addict who robbed people.  The guy with the teardrop tattoo.  The person who was a pedofile and has his wife and child killed in a car accident.  The woman on the street who was dying on cancer when I sat on the sidewalk and talked to her.  The small woman who cried and hugged the other Outreach person and said she was going to die tonight in the rain.  The main who had horrible diabetes and lost most of his fingers and a leg and was schizophrenic. All the women who have called me 'special' and 'unique' and 'a unicorn' and who told me they loved me and then abandoned me.  Everyone.  I love everyone.  I don't think I'll ever be in a serious relationship again (despite wanting to) because I have yet to find anyone who values themselves enough.  I haven't found anyone that loves everyone as well.  Someone who is climbing that pyramid and wants someone to walk with them.  I barely find people who agree with talking the talk, nevermind walking the walk.  But that's ok.  Sometimes I get depressed and resentful and hate my fate of being alone forever.  Sometimes I accept it and move on.  I guess today is just one of those 'move on' kind of days.  I bring my A-Game.  And until I find someone else who is doing the same, I'll never find someone I'm wiling to invest in past the 'universal love' phase of how I think.
 
In doing this, I need to double my effort and love myself.  This challenge, I've had the following:
 
Workout - I missed 1 Friday workout a couple of weeks ago.  However, I did a little extra in terms of sets to make up some of the difference.  So let's say I missed .5 of one.  This was my strongest showing.  I'm doing bent over rows, squats, bench press, stretching exercises, planks.  The whole body is being pushed and I can FEEL the difference.  Day 1 of this thing, I was barely able to do 5 reps of ANY exercise.  Now I do multiple sets.  And I intend to push more next challenge.
 
Sleep - I was neglecting it a bit in the middle with trying to be there for the ladyfriend who I just mentioned has been pulling away.  My sleep is pretty solid now.  Before the challenge, I was at 5 hours of broken sleep. Now I'm getting a solid 6-8 on average.
 
Study - I had a tough time in the start with getting my shit together in terms of studying. I'm still behind where I want to be, however getting through 100+ pages this challenge is roughly.... 100 pages more than I did before the challenge so pretty good if you ask me.
 
Eat - Not only did I complete a whole30, I extended it by a couple of days and I'm currently on a new one.  15 pounds lost, my gym shorts feel a little baggy, and my jeans are sagging.  Totally crushed this one.
 
Socialize - A mix for this one.  Putting up a wall with sis and JJ enabled me to do the above goals so that's a huge deal for me.  On top of this, I posted on here a couple of times.  Like the studying, it wasn't enough; but it was WAY better than the nothing I was doing before this challenge.  This is definitely one I want to work on more.
 
Next Challenge:  If I can maintain the workout/eating/sleep goals, and then push the study/socialize goals; as well as maybe do some artwork then I'll be firing on all cylinders.  I think next challenge will be a close repeat of this one as I try to master everything.  Lot of love.  ❤️ -Teros
 
 
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