Oromendur: Scouring, Part 2

[oromendur]

Festive tenth-anniversary greetings to the Adventurers!

 

Ambarwen Oromendur here, your friendly neighborhood Tolkien obsessive, still working hard on the sticky jobs involved in scouring her own Shire. This is part two of a challenge series (a series which at the moment is open-ended with an indeterminate number of parts).

 

I think I'm going to try and be a little more playful with my challenge this time around. I'm going to personify those damned ruffians that have befouled and despoiled my physical, mental, and spiritual home. By giving them names and attributes, hopefully I will be able to come up with clever ways to fight them like the bold and fearless hobbit Traveller I want to become (well, re-become. Recover? Rediscover? Whatever.).

 

Here is the rogue's gallery with whom your humble hobbit Traveller plans to do battle over the next few weeks: 

 

~~

Ruffian #1: PHYSICAL ILLNESS (Phil for short)

Phil is an asshole. He's a squint-eyed, sallow-faced, ill-favored type who sneers at the weakness of the little Shire-folk and laughs as he beats them up for sport. A Traveller could stand up to him; when I get back from my journey (I have surgery scheduled 16 March), I plan to punch him in his stupid face. But for the next few weeks the best I can do is try and avoid his notice. 

 

How do I do this? I keep moving and eat well. It's not complicated. It is difficult -- but it's not complicated.

 

INTENTION: Keep my PAI score at 100 or higher as many days as I can possibly manage.

INTENTION: Take my supplements every day.

ASPIRATION: Play with my kettlebells a little. (Anything counts. Anything at all. Pick it up once? It counts.)

 

I was actually doing pretty well on this over the last few challenges -- until I had another [BLEEP]ing episode in Week 5 of the last one. I've now regressed all the way back to square one and I'm more than a little angry about it  Until I can surgically eliminate the major source of Phil's power there will always be the danger that he will see me walking happily down the street, get pissed off, come barreling in to knock me over, and kick me in the stomach until I cry. Unfortunately, for the moment there is absolutely nothing to do when this happens but stand back up again and carry on. If I follow these intentions, I'm hoping that he either won't notice me or won't be able to knock me down for as long. Fingers crossed. The Traveller is coming for you, Phil. Just you wait.

 

~~

Ruffian #2: TOTAL MESS (Tom for short, no relation to sturdy Farmer Cotton, except perhaps his equal in stubbornness)

 

Tom is an extremely unwelcome long-term resident in my hobbit hole. In fact he has resided here exactly as long as I have. He leaves crap lying around haphazardly, turns the kitchen and bathrooms into foul reeking holes, and laughs as many beautiful things are coated in a slimy layer of dust as the weeks and months go on and on. The compounding mess of his efforts to turn my Shire into a desert have resulted in problems that range from the structural (roof, septic tank) to the invasive (meal moths, earwigs, snails, and Shelob-kin right now, with the ever-present danger of ants and rodents) to the boringly mundane (years of soul-sucking clutter filling up the dark corners and pantries and closets). Tom didn't establish himself in a day, and he won't be evicted in a day, but I have to keep up the fight and continue trying to force him to leave Bag End. (It's possible that the reason he thinks he can live here is that he's a relative -- maybe one of the Sackville-Bagginses -- but I'm out to prove him wrong.)

 

INTENTION: Complete the structure of housework scheduling and to-do tracking that I began developing last challenge.

INTENTION: Start entering some specific content into the structure.

ASPIRATION: Perform at least one of the weekly tasks on the zone cleaning schedule at least once per week. (One thing guaranteed to annoy Tom to no end is for me to remember that housework performed imperfectly is still a blessing to the home.)

 

Last challenge my focus was squarely on making things easy to do instead of actually doing them. I'd like to keep that going. It would be nice to notch up a few accomplishments here and there, but I'm going to let that be a by-product of my developing structure rather than a specific requirement. The goals of my two intentions are a) to establish a solid cross-platform and easily-managed process with Microsoft OneNote at its center, and b) to build a fairly exhaustive list of projects that reflects my current understanding of what needs to be done to get my house livable again. David Allen and the FlyLady are my basic inspirations here. I'm certain they don't like Tom either.

 

~~

 

Ruffian #3: NEAR DEPRESSION (Ned for short)

Ned is shifty and dangerous. He's one of those robbers that started appearing in the Chetwood, ambushing unsuspecting hobbits and turning the friendly English woodlands of the Shire into dangerous Germanic forests of doom. Ned's worst attribute is that he is able to make things that once were beautiful feel dark and dangerous. I've driven him off before, but he always seems to come sneaking back around. I'm starting to look over my shoulder for him again.

 

INTENTION: Revive the meditation portion of my morning routine.

INTENTION: Notice and publicly highlight times when I am feeling delight, gratitude, or satisfaction. 
ASPIRATION: Complete my morning pages (the other missing part of my morning routine) occasionally OR make an entry in my online "Conversations with Masters" journal once in a while. 

 

To count a day as a success in the first intention, I must at least sit down in my meditation space immediately upon waking. If all I can manage that day is to sit down on the cushion and then immediately stand back up again, that will count. Of course I hope to do more -- but the only real requirement is to cross the threshold and sit down. Ned positively hates it when I sit regularly. I know this because I rarely encounter him when I'm doing it...and I definitely haven't been doing it lately...and I now I think I can see his ugly mug chuckling at me from the shadows under the trees. [BLEEP] off, Ned, you're not wanted here.

 

~~

So, there they are, ruffians all. I think that they will not be expecting a fearless hobbit with a bright sword and a grim face -- here's hoping I can find the strength and mythic encouragement to be such a one! I will commit to at least weekly reporting in this thread. I'm not going to set any numerical goals, but I will let successful aspirations make up for failed intentions in my weekly reflections on success or failure.

 

I also plan to include my own retrospective in the mini thread eventually (I probably won't get to it for a few days, but I'll try to get it up before Week 1). While my challenge is focused squarely on my current situation right now, it would be a shame to miss the opportunity for some community-inspired reflections. We're none of us the same person we were five years ago, or ten, or even one, and it's valuable to examine that and remember.

 

Oh -- one more thing. Just in case she's looking for a reason to remember the life benefits of having a NF challenge active, I'm going to invoke the forums' ten-year-anniversary summoning power on @Ann of Vries. I miss her cheerful encouragement and pragmatic perspective, and there have been far too few adorable Enting pictures in my life recently  

 

Good luck to everyone!

 

"The road must be trod, but it will be very hard. And neither strength nor wisdom will carry us far upon it. This quest may be attempted by the weak with as much hope as the strong. Yet such is oft the course of deeds that move the wheels of the world: small hands do them because they must, while the eyes of the great are elsewhere."

~Master Elrond (The Fellowship of the Ring)

[WolfDreamer]

56 minutes ago, oromendur said:

I think I'm going to try and be a little more playful with my challenge this time around.

 

Oooh, playful is always good.

 

Welcome back @oromendur. This is going to be a fun challenge! Let me know if I can help in any way.

 

 

[Ann of Owlshire]

I think in personifying a challenge, you can remove the self-hate from yourself and then focus instead of kicking the problem’s arse  

 

Your summons worked! O_O I was thinking this afternoon I needed a bit of a kick myself, and I wondered when the next NF challenge would begin....

[oromendur]

On 2/11/2020 at 5:15 PM, WolfDreamer said:

Oooh, playful is always good.

 

 

On 2/11/2020 at 5:15 PM, WolfDreamer said:

Welcome back @oromendur. This is going to be a fun challenge! Let me know if I can help in any way.

 

Thanks! I'm always grateful for your steady presence here.

 

On 2/12/2020 at 9:20 AM, Ann of Vries said:

Your summons worked! O_O I was thinking this afternoon I needed a bit of a kick myself, and I wondered when the next NF challenge would begin....

 

Potent summoning power indeed! 

 

On 2/12/2020 at 9:20 AM, Ann of Vries said:

I think in personifying a challenge, you can remove the self-hate from yourself and then focus instead of kicking the problem’s arse  

 

See, everybody? I *told* you she was cheerful and pragmatic  SO GLAD you're back 

[oromendur]

Link to promised post in Adventurer mini thread

 

I actually think there's more I want to say, here in the more-private confines of my own thread, but that exhausted me so I'll leave it for now.

[WolfDreamer]

1 hour ago, oromendur said:

 

[annyshay]

On 2/11/2020 at 7:14 PM, oromendur said:

So, there they are, ruffians all. I think that they will not be expecting a fearless hobbit with a bright sword and a grim face -- here's hoping I can find the strength and mythic encouragement to be such a one!

This is such a clever challenge from a very clever hobbit. I believe that you are such a one! Trounce these ruffians!!!!

 

[Defining]

I love that you've named them all! Very cool idea.

[oromendur]

I totally meant to do a "Day 1" post yesterday to celebrate all the new challenge energy (my challenge started yesterday because I'm old and set in my ways and don't cotton to this newfangled notion of things starting on Sundays and get off my lawn anyway) but I got distracted with other shiny things -- so here's a "Day 2" post instead.

 

So far I'm 2 for 2 on morning meditation sessions, which pleases me. It's been so very long though  Although the rituals seem familiar, it's beginning to be clear that I will have to fully re-learn how to shut up my chattering mind. Good gracious does it like to chatter (sigh) 

 

I sent another job application yesterday (for a lit/ecocrit position in GALWAY! Totally an adventure. Everyone please keep your fingers crossed). I did a bit of tidying today and can now see my dining room table for the first time in a good long while. I fired up the computer yesterday for some Beat Saber action to get my PAI over 100, and I'm hoping dance class tonight will keep it there. I've also been on a sourdough kick lately; I finally got my wild yeast starter* rising and falling regularly, and even with my lack of skill it makes more than passable bread. I made another practice loaf yesterday. It's delicious.**

 

Ah, Week 1 energy. It's so wonderful...almost makes you forget about the Week 3 Resistance train blazing down the track

 

"That’s good for a beginning." ~Frodo Baggins (The Fellowship of the Ring)

 

 

* Cultured from some juniper berries I picked from a tree in my driveway. See how hard I'm trying to respect the genius loci of my home, to honor its spirit and welcome its energy into my body and my life, all in the hopes that it will stop throwing brutal Resistance at me in amounts enough to flatten a small town? See?? <ahem> Anyway...

 

** In related news, I'm eating WAY too much bread. And sourdough waffles are an absolute revelation. And homemade crackers. And brownies -- did you know you can make brownies from sourdough discard? I kind of wish I didn't know this.

[oromendur]

On 2/15/2020 at 2:37 AM, annyshay said:

This is such a clever challenge from a very clever hobbit. I believe that you are such a one! Trounce these ruffians!!!!

 

Thank you, fellow clever hobbit  I shall try my best.

 

[oromendur]

On 2/16/2020 at 9:57 AM, Defining said:

I love that you've named them all! Very cool idea.

 

Thanks! As @Ann of Vries so wisely mentions above, it's a way to metaphorically separate the problems from my own identity, so I can fight against them without without it being all about hating myself. Typical myth-direction trick -- we'll have to see how it goes  

[Ann of Owlshire]

Hey, use that Week One energy as much as you can, to do as much as you can! It is powerful stuff. 

 

Fingers and toes crossed for you. 

[oromendur]

Spoiler for some dance nerdery from last night:
 

Spoiler

 

I want to start by saying that I am SO grateful for my teachers. I can't afford private lessons. I can only just barely afford to scrape up the cash every month for the group classes. There are people of all levels in our classes, from dancing-for-a-few-months beginners to serious Pro-Am competitors. I am probably the highest-level dancer in the class*, but the teachers are so good that they can routinely teach advanced techniques to a broad audience and everyone walks away a better dancer. This is awesome.

 

Sometimes it's also difficult. We were at the mercy of the male teacher most of the evening last night, and I very often feel like he uses me as his focus point when deciding what to cover in class. Don't get me wrong -- I'm HUGELY grateful -- but it can be intense, and not always in a good way. I also sometimes end up with the added undertone of feeling guilty about everyone else having to struggle with things way beyond their level because of me.

 

Last night was like that.

 

Him: <watches us warm up, laughs at the mess that is me trying to lead one of the Pro-Am girls through this month's VERY DIFFICULT Tango choreo>

Him, directly to me: "All right, what is the problem here? You could do this last week."

Me: "I, um, don't think I understand the slip pivot."

Him: "Well, welcome to the family. Nobody understands slip pivots."

 

The next 45 minutes provided a very in-depth analysis of the foot position, spine position, weight shifting, and frame focus in proper slip pivots. It was a HARD class. Not hard as in "physical exertion" hard -- hard as in "focus with every ounce of unreliable kinesthetic sense to control your body" hard.  I was struggling with his concepts. Everyone else was struggling with the steps. The good news is that I can now lead even a fairly new dancer through the whole choreography, which includes several slip pivots and a fallaway/slip pivot combo, at tempo (which is pretty amazing). The bad news is that I got yelled at a lot and everyone else ended up pretty disheartened.

 

I was going to get into the three different variations of sliding doors he decided to put into the American Rumba choreography in the second part of the class because he saw I didn't understand the timing of the one we already had, but this is turning out longer than I wanted it to be so I won't.

 

Male teacher is Italian and very old-school. I often joke that he isn't allowed to hit people with sticks anymore, so he uses emotional abuse to make his points. He was in a mood last night, and I bore the brunt of it. Ordinarily I wouldn't mind -- I can certainly take more of it than the others can, and what I get out of it is definitely worth a little pain -- but my mental state isn't the best at the moment, and that kind of training intensity took more out of me than I could afford, I think. At least that's probably why I'm wasting perfectly good writing time this morning bitching to you guys about it  

 

* Well, in terms of technique and lead/follow. I don't compete, so the two Pro-Am girls definitely have more [read: any] competition floor experience than I do, but I lead them a lot and can honestly and without arrogance say that I dance above their level.

 

Please understand -- I definitely don't want him to stop doing this. I'm grateful for it. It's totally why I'm a good dancer. But I woke up mentally exhausted this morning and I'm annoyed about how little it takes to suck the life from me these days  

I did manage to sit for a while when I got up. I couldn't get my mind to shut up about class last night, though, so I decided to do this post. Hopefully I can now move on and find the energy to do something useful today!

 

Thanks as always for being a safe community ❤️ 

[oromendur]

This morning I was greeted with a rejection email in response to a job application I'd completely forgotten about (sigh)

 

I did meditate, though, and now I am going to work on my book proposal for my revised dissertation. Nothing to do but keep going...

 

[Mike Wazowski]

Ahh man, that dance nerdery is tough - I think I've occasionally *been* that teacher, so it's a good reminder to tread carefully the line between building students up by pushing them and accidentally pulling the life out of them.

 

Also, HIIIIII!!!!!! Sorry I'm late, but I'm here for this hobbit party!

[oromendur]

20 hours ago, Mike Wazowski said:

Ahh man, that dance nerdery is tough - I think I've occasionally *been* that teacher, so it's a good reminder to tread carefully the line between building students up by pushing them and accidentally pulling the life out of them.

 

The problem is definitely with me and not him. I usually find that kind of hard-nosed training modality to be really successful (all those years of martial arts) and he knows it, and he's skillful enough to use it on me while simultaneously working with the other people in the class in ways that work for them. Usually. When he's not in a mood. And when I'm functioning at full adulting capacity. And when I don't feel* like everybody hates me because I'm too intense and too nerdy and just altogether too much...

 

So don't worry. Even if you have been that teacher, it probably wasn't your fault  

 

20 hours ago, Mike Wazowski said:

HIIIIII!!!!!! Sorry I'm late, but I'm here for this hobbit party!

 

WELCOME! Feel free to join in the dancing 

 

 

* Yes, I know it's unreasonable. If knowing that were enough to make it go away I wouldn't be having the problem.

[oromendur]

Evidently I'm turning into the sort of person that posts on NF every day -- when did that happen? It'll never last...

 

Anyway, today was another day and another rejection letter. At least it's nice that I'm starting to get the rejections from the October crop of applications. You know. It's only been four months 

 

That, combined with the uninspired mess that is my book proposal and the text that I got saying my credit card was compromised and the fact that my sourdough attempt today somehow ended up both overproofed and underbaked despite doing the EXACT SAME THING I ALWAYS DO, has basically caused me to give up on the day altogether and order pizza. There might even be some Witcher 3 expansion pack action happening tonight, If I can be bothered.

 

Grr.

 

But I did meditate, and my PAI is good. Not that those overcome the disaster that is the kitchen right now or anything, but I have at least SOMETHING I can check off for the day.

[oromendur]

There is WATER FALLING OUT OF THE SKY in my little corner of Southern California this morning. Evil sorcery. Ugh.

 

(This means there will also be water falling out of my ceiling onto my couch shortly, so I should go do something with buckets.)

 

I did not do any gaming last night -- by the time I got the pizza sorted it was nearly ten. I knew if I started playing it would end up being a wee-hours thing, and I wasn't enjoying the day enough to prolong its suffering any longer, so I just went to bed.

 

Today my aspiration is to make a series of more-useful choices that hopefully ends with me a) driving Tom out of my kitchen again and b) punching Ned in the face by getting dressed and leaving the house to go social dancing in the evening. I'm afraid Phil might think he has something to say about this last, but I plan to ignore him (using NSAIDs if necessary).

[oromendur]

Oh great googlie mooglies did I overdo things last night.

 

Spoiler for dance adventures:

Spoiler

 

I went down to the main social dance ballroom in San Diego for one of their parties. I don't often go, because the crowd it attracts can be kind of clique-ey and a significant number of the better dancers just won't dance with me; I'm certainly not afraid to ask, but there are several leads who have told me no so many times in a row that I've just stopped bothering. It's often really frustrating. But for some reason -- off-cycle schedule, a different crowd, a critical mass of good-enough dancers -- it was an unusually good night. 

 

On a passing whim I decided to record some numbers. Of 64 dances in three hours, I followed 47, led 6, and didn't find a partner for 11. That is an absolutely unprecedented ratio! Usually at that ballroom I find myself watching people dance more than dancing myself. I had one AMAZING Quickstep (and an equally amazing Viennese Waltz with the same lead). I had a few really beautiful Slow Foxtrots, a nice Waltz or two, and even a decent Bolero (although to be honest I never really learned how to actually dance Bolero; I just do Latin Rumba and chew on the scenery and it mostly works). And I had lots and lots of easy, breezy, pleasant dances with lots and lots of different people. There was a large group of folks I'd never seen at that ballroom before; I *think* they were from one of the franchise studios in the area, because they started out only dancing with each other, but they loosened up after a while. Several of them turned out to be quite enjoyable to dance with. It was really nice.

 

BUT -- I pushed things too far. It was SO good, and there were so many people tagging me for the next dance before I could get off the floor after the last one, that I just got caught up in the experience. The me of a few years ago would be perfectly capable of sustaining (and enjoying) three hours of solid dancing, but 2020 me is weak and sickly. I kept going even after my brain was fuzzy and my feet were stumbling, and this of course ruined the quality of the experience in the last forty minutes or so. The worst part is that it resulted in a disastrous Quickstep with the same lead with whom I'd had the first so very wonderful one -- it was so awful we had to stop because I just couldn't sustain the connection and I was horribly embarrassed and ARGH why does my body fail me like this???

 

 

I came home and poured myself into bed and now it appears Sunday is not going to be a cleaning day after all (sigh). I'm exhausted. Everything hurts -- knees, back, feet, neck, everything. I think that all I'm going to be able to manage today is some eating and some sitting and maybe some reading. There might be a nap involved.

 

This is all Phil's fault. He is SUCH an asshole. I hate that guy.

 

I missed my supplements last night (indeed, I missed my whole evening routine) because I was way too wiped to deal with the effort of making good choices. I did force myself to do a short and perfunctory meditation session this morning, though, and the PAI from last night is going to keep my numbers good for nearly the next week, so it's not going to end up a total disaster, challenge-wise.

 

But the chances of accomplishing anything today? Yeah, no.

 

[oromendur]

OK, so it's Monday, which means (Monday-start challenge Rebels 4EVA) that it's time for a

 

[WEEK 1 UPDATE]

 

Battles with Phil

 

PAI: 102, 101, 114, 113, 115, 185, 146. This went very well this week, and hopefully I'll find some energy to bounce it back up in the next few days so the numbers can stay just as good for Week 2.

 

Supplements: Every night but one. I'm using this as representative of my whole evening routine, because if I take the pills I tend to do everything else too. I missed Saturday night because I was stumbling-exhausted, but otherwise it was a good week.

 

Kettlebells: I unearthed (literally -- they were partially buried in the yard) my matching set of 12kg bells and used them for Thing Two in the all-guild mini challenge. It was harder than I wanted it to be, and I've been studiously pretending I don't see them, right where I left them in the middle of the dining room floor, ever since. This is silly. I'll have to pick them up to put them away, and that can count for Week 2. It's only an aspiration, after all...

 

Battles with Tom

 

Structure: I'm afraid this one is a total failure this week. I've generally been distracted by other things and haven't spent any time thinking about it. Mostly because I don't want to, and it's the first thing to fall off when I'm fighting with Resistance (sigh)

 

Content: Only a tiny bit of progress here, but I guess something is better than nothing. I didn't really add anything in the way of actual tasks, but I did manage to knock off one or two long-standing annoying one-offs I've been carrying around since well before I started this whole make-a-plan thing. It felt really good to delete those bastards from OneNote.

 

Weekly cleaning: I had a teensy bit of success here too. On Tuesday I cleaned up the dining room so I could use the table again, and on Wednesday night I took the trash out for the first time in, hmm, maybe six weeks? Good thing I pay a monthly fee for trash service, right? To be fair, it's a more strenuous thing than one might expect; I have to roll the bins all the way up the driveway and then along an access road all the way to the main street, and my driveway is VERY steep, and for a couple of those past six weeks that kind of multiple-trip exertion was totally out of the question. So instead of feeling useless because I didn't do it for so long, I'm instead going to feel grateful that my energy has recovered to the point that I *could* do it this week. And really, with only one person, I don't generate that much trash. My bins weren't full even after many weeks. I do wish I could just pay for the times I use the service, but that's not possible here in rural-ish SoCal suburbia

 

Battles with Ned

 

Meditation: Yes! I did this every morning. I don't know what was holding me back before, but just making it a specific goal requiring accountability here in this challenge was able to easily overcome whatever it was. Is it doing me any good? I have no idea. But I'll keep doing it in the hopes that once I finally remember what a calm mind feels like (not there yet unfortunately) I'll be able to see some positive changes. And it certainly isn't *hurting* anything.

 

Delights: sort of. I was taking delight in my sourdough adventures for a while, but that's starting to become more frustrating than delightful as the newness wears off and I realize how long it's going to take me to develop any reasonable skill at this. I will count dancing on Saturday night, though. That was thoroughly delightful, even if it did cost me a lot.

 

Journaling: I did this once, experimenting on Thursday with Tom Bird style journaling on a big enormous piece of blank unlined paper. It was interesting, and I think it has some good potential to change my attitude about some things, but I keep coming up with reasons not to do it again. This (or the similar Julia Cameron style morning pages) might need to become a specific goal in a future challenge in order to overcome that Resistance.

 

So. Total success in a few instances, partial success in others, and a not-insignificant amount of total failure. Sounds like one of my challenges, all right (sigh)

 

Spoiler for a bit of Phil/Ned bitching:

Spoiler

 

I'm starting to get stressed out about my surgery. As before, the VA is utterly incapable of dealing with single people; it's an outpatient procedure, so I can't stay the night, but they won't release me unless it's to a 'responsible person' which means I can't arrange my own transportation. Neither of the friends who were able to help me out last time can do it next month. It took me a long time to screw up the courage to email them about it, and the fairly short (curt?) responses I received from both of them did very little to dispel the "everybody hates me I'm annoying they think I'm a pest" garbage bouncing around in my head. And now I need to start asking OTHER people and it's going to be even worse And Ned knows *exactly* what to do with the "I'm old and useless and alone and don't even have anyone to pick me up at the sketchy VA hospital where I have to go because I don't have a job" bullshit my self-pitying brain comes up with. I KNOW that's utterly baseless catastrophizing, and i know I'll figure something out, but Ned is an ugly creature and I'm having a hard time shutting him up about this. [BLEEP]ing Ned. What does he know anyway?

 

 

Anyway. Today I am going to try hard to dredge up some Monday energy to get something moving again. Anything. Seriously. Since I overextended myself Saturday night, I've spent more time asleep than I have awake -- and even today everything still feels a little fuzzy. But this update has reminded me that Week 1 was not a total disaster, so there's no reason to believe Week 2 will be either.

 

Onward...

[oromendur]

I don't really know how much of the blah-meh-don'wanna of the last few days I can blame on last Saturday's misadventures, but I'm still desperate for unholy amounts of sleep and scraping together everything I possibly can with the single spoon I can find just to get through my day-to-day commitments (which in themselves are embarrassingly, even ridiculously, low).

 

Have I mentioned that Phil guy is an asshole? Seriously.

 

I did muster the energy to go to dance class on Tuesday, and it was a very good class with more learning and less moodiness. While there I also got brave and kicked my social anxiety in the nuts just long enough to ask my female teacher if she can pick me up at the hospital. She thinks she can (she says she'll get back to me this weekend) so fingers-crossed I've got that sorted out. If not, one of my other friends has said I can stay at her house the night of the surgery if I need to (she can't get off work to pick me up, but she lives further south, nearer to the hospital, so I would only have to find someone willing to make a short trip instead of having to ask them to drive all the way back up to my house in the North County).

 

Yesterday I baked wonky bread. Delicious, nice crumb, but very wonky. Otherwise I utterly failed to masquerade as a functional human being.

 

Meditation, PAI, and supplements have been good. My PAI cushion is going to run out tomorrow, so I should probably do something today. Maybe I'll go get the mail

 

Right. Time for a cup of tea and a small rally. I almost feel like I might be able to person today...

[Ann of Owlshire]

*hugs* I’m doing really badly at keeping up with threads right now, but I’m reading and sending hugs and supportive thoughts your way. 

[oromendur]

All-too-familiar morning feels: "Thank you for applying for.... Yours was one of over 900 very competitive applications. We regret to inform you...." (sigh) Hey, it only took these guys three months to get back to me 

 

Right.

 

What day is it again?

Monday? Of Week 3? 

 

Ooooh-kaaay. Then I reckon I should do a

[WEEK 2 UPDATE]

 

Battles with Phil

 

PAI: 128, 126, 108, 107, 113, 108, 110. I'm pretty happy with this, actually. Especially that measly-looking 108 on Saturday PAI calculations are based on a running seven-day average. On Saturday morning the huge PAI boost from last week's dancing vanished and the wretched thing read 45  Since I had to go to the library to pick up some holds that had come in and drop off my mail ballot anyway, and since it was a beautiful spring day, and since my city has *finally* completed enough of its section of bike path that I can access it a reasonable distance from my house (this rail-trail is meant to run along the whole light rail corridor from the major coastal city to the major inland city -- I live in some unincorporated area in between that is always the last to get any attention for anything and they are a good five years behind schedule in completing our last-remaining section), I figured I could get some exercise in and run my errands at the same time. I considered driving down the hill with my bike, but the thought of digging it out from under rat poo and spiderwebs in the shed (not to mention the work necessary to refill tires and re-tighten bolts and generally get it ready to ride again after years of neglect) was far too over-facing. So I set myself up with an audiobook and went for a walk! Please understand, it was not a strenuous walk. I was slow. It took me ALL MORNING. But I went nearly eight miles round-trip and got my PAI back up -- well done me  And I am only a little sore in all the evil small stabilizer muscles around my knees and ankles, so that's good too. I may not be able to do much right now -- but I can still walk.

 

Supplements: Perfect streak. Yay internet accountability.

 

Kettlebells: Um, well, <points> look over there! <gestures> Or maybe there! You must definitely *not* look at the two kettlebells still sitting in the middle of the dining room floor exactly where I left them last week... Yeah, no.

 

Battles with Tom

 

Structure: Hm, maybe I can notch up a teeny bit of success? I ticked off another long-standing anklebiter task and took great satisfaction in deleting it. I also walked through the house with my phone, entering pages into OneNote and tagging them with #BeforeSurgery, so I now have a solid list of things that *must* be done so that I can survive the week or so it's likely to take to get me back on my feet again. I didn't really do anything more structural, though, so I can only count a teeny bit.

 

Content: A little success here too, I guess. On Sunday I spent a few hours on the closet under my stairway. That makes it sound like I did some decluttering. I didn't. I just repacked the clutter and shifted it around, banished all my military outdoorsy kit (which I probably won't ever need again but had no hope of facing emotionally) to the very back of another closet, and made room to store my empty harp case under the stairs. This means the harp is now in easily playable condition WITHOUT the case partially blocking the front door. Did I tune or play the harp? No. But it will now be much easier to do so, and that's what all this structuring is about, right?

 

Weekly cleaning: On Tuesday I did my should-be-weekly-but-is-normally-monthly-because-I'm-disgusting deep clean of the Nespresso machine. It was super gross. If I do it again this week, it won't be nearly as gross, and I'll have a two-week streak, so wish me luck... I literally didn't clean anything else

 

Battles with Ned

 

Meditation: Perfect streak. Yay internet accountability. Still not sure there's any point to it, but I'm doing it, dammit. #SerenityNow

 

Delights: Not really. Which is stupid because I could really use some delights in my life right now -- and they're there, for sure, I'm just not paying attention. I should try to do better on this in Week 3. I guess I did bake bread, so I'll count my first-ever batard because I was delighted (actually mildly surprised, but close enough) that it baked up in a recognizable (if wonky) oval shape.

 

Journaling: I spent some time on Sunday doing some online journaling, which actually prompted the #BeforeSurgery work and the closet clear-out. Maybe I should do that more, huh?

 

By the numbers I guess it wasn't too horrible a week. I heard back from my dance teacher and she CAN pick me up at the hospital, so that stressor is more or less sorted (although I'll still worry a bit, because things happen, but it *should* be OK). I have a bunch of pre-surgery appointments coming up this week (one tomorrow, two on Wednesday) that are going to take some energy and attention, and I'd like to make some progress on those #BeforeSurgery tasks, and I should probably try and muster up enough false motivation to send out at least one of my last few remaining (and likely utterly pointless) job applications this week.

 

So, really, just more of the same, but hopefully better  

 

Here's hoping we can all keep plugging along in Week 3! 

[oromendur]

On 2/29/2020 at 1:47 PM, Ann of Vries said:

I’m reading and sending hugs and supportive thoughts your way.

 

Hugs and supportive thoughts always gratefully accepted! Thank you ❤️ Hope you are doing well and March's entry into London wasn't too lion-like. 

 

[oromendur]

We are definitely approaching the end of the academic hiring season. How do I know this, you ask?

 

This morning there were not one but TWO rejection letters in my email (sigh) One from an application I submitted in early December (!) and one from mid-January. I'm seriously beginning to wonder why the [BLEEP] I should bother wasting my limited life energy fighting with Resistance over these last few applications 

 

Still, life goes on. I meditated this morning (well I sat down for a while, anyway), PAI is good, supps are good, I even got caught up on dishes yesterday. Today is a pre-op appointment with my surgeon this afternoon and then dance class.

 

Onward.