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SevenFootGeek

SevenFootGeek emerges from the shadows

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Well, well, well.  Look what's still going on.

 

Having just gone through all 6971 messages from the NF forums, I first joined NF waaaaaaay back in March of 2013.  I'm definitely not OG NF, but I've been around for quite a while.  I've met some of my closest friends (definitely not @RisenPhoenix) and for the first time in my life had an online community that turned into RL relationships that I value to this day.

 

But it's not all smiles and sunshine.  In that time, I got divorced, had multiple severe depressive episodes, gone through two career changes, and lost a huge amount of self-worth.  Fun!

 

So for the return to NF, I have a lot of mental health goals.  Fair warning that this challenge will get pretty heavy most of the time.  You nerds are going to get the journaling that my therapist keeps telling me is healthy to do.  

 

Now, on to the goals!

 

Shadows are peaceful

 

I do not sleep properly.  Ever.  I stay up too late. I nap when I shouldn't.  I eat and drink when it is bad for my rest.  This is pretty simple.

 

I am a person that goes to bed by 10 pm on work nights.

 

Easy, right?  Yeah, right...

 

Shadows are dangerous

 

Last summer I earned my 3rd dan in hapkido.  I'm super proud of that accomplishment, but the Imposter Syndrome rears its ugly head.  Mental health and work schedules have messed with my ability to train consistently.  I also tore the calf muscle in my right leg immediately following my grading, which impacted my conditioning and packed on some pretty unhealthy weight.  I just want to be at my club.  15 years later, I still love it.  I just feel better when I'm there.

 

I am a person that trains twice a week.

 

This is lower than I want to be at, but I am also not yet getting to class consistently even twice a week, so we're starting small.

 

Shadows have secrets

 

NF has always been the place where I have felt safe being vulnerable.  I have talked at length in the past about my mental health journey, but I have held back.  I haven't faced a lot of demons and right now, they are legitimately tearing me apart.  I'm not able to explore medication options with my doctor because I make enough at my job to make ends meet.  I don't have benefits, so I am relying on habits and lessons that my psychologist tried to teach me.  I am aware that this is not an ideal situation, but I am trying to do the best with the hand I've got right now.

 

The tool that I want to use but have been too afraid of is journaling.  My psychologist, my friends, and a number of mental health podcasts I listen to talk about the benefit of writing down the horrible things that come out of my brain.  To say that I'm unkind to myself would be akin to describing the Pacific Ocean as "a little damp".  

 

Trigger warning: This will contain my struggles with depression, suicide, and substance abuse.  Please do not follow this topic if it will adversely affect you.

 

I am a person that talks about their mental health.  Even the ugly stuff.

 

****

 

And that's it.  I'll be here for this one, trying to put one foot in front of the other.

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I am so glad you are here.    You have always been immensely important to me.    For as much as you seem to struggle building yourself up, your words to others are beautiful and encouraging, and I am glad to call you friend.

 

I'll be here.  Telling you what the weather 'down here' is like! :)

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Welcome back!

 

I'm sorry that you are in the midst of such difficult challenges. You can talk about those here and get support. Get the monsters out of your head and put them in the light where we can all help you beat them. ⚔️

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Well, hey there! Welcome back. You've been missed. :)

 

And you know we're here for you if things are heavy. Journal here, PM us, do whatever you gotta do. We wanna see you be better.

 

How's the calf doing these days? You good to be back on the mats?

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So many Nerds returning.....

 

SFG, I am sorry for the curves life is throwing you.  As one who has viewed NF in the same way and have tried to voice things I never I have, I hope you can continue to feel safe here and share anything you need to.  

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On 2/11/2020 at 7:56 PM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I am so glad you are back here with us and so sorry your struggles are so hard. I will be here for you, offering all the support and love I can.

These aren't my words but I mean them just as much as the man who said them.

6b1EUTEXjp-hLUxBWKuldDhf2ic1iOxky2rBNWeg

 

The world did not deserve Mr Rogers.

 

On 2/12/2020 at 11:15 AM, RisenPhoenix said:

I hate your face.

 

Don't leave again.

 

The feeling is entirely mutual.

 

On 2/12/2020 at 2:14 PM, Starpuck said:

I am so glad you are here.    You have always been immensely important to me.    For as much as you seem to struggle building yourself up, your words to others are beautiful and encouraging, and I am glad to call you friend.

 

I'll be here.  Telling you what the weather 'down here' is like! :)

 

Don't worry too much.  I just usually tell what's happening around my feet.  Usually.

 

On 2/12/2020 at 3:53 PM, Mistr said:

Welcome back!

 

I'm sorry that you are in the midst of such difficult challenges. You can talk about those here and get support. Get the monsters out of your head and put them in the light where we can all help you beat them. ⚔️

 

Punching the monsters is basically why I started studying martial arts in the first place.

 

On 2/12/2020 at 5:02 PM, Kishi said:

Well, hey there! Welcome back. You've been missed. :)

 

And you know we're here for you if things are heavy. Journal here, PM us, do whatever you gotta do. We wanna see you be better.

 

How's the calf doing these days? You good to be back on the mats?

 

My calf is fully healed, but as an aged monk, I am now taking magnesium supplements to manage the knots that caused the first tear.

 

13 hours ago, mitch_dee said:

So many Nerds returning.....

 

SFG, I am sorry for the curves life is throwing you.  As one who has viewed NF in the same way and have tried to voice things I never I have, I hope you can continue to feel safe here and share anything you need to.  

 

It's the one place that feels safe to talk about the messy stuff.  That's why I made it here.

 

***

 

So, the pre-challenge week has been about starting my sleep schedule off right.  I'm happy to say that all this week I've been tucked in, lights out by 10.  I have books to read, so I'm able to cut down my screen time.  I do already feel better with a starting point of better sleep.

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25 minutes ago, SevenFootGeek said:

My calf is fully healed, but as an aged monk, I am now taking magnesium supplements to manage the knots that caused the first tear.


Wait. Do magnesium supplements help with injury knots? My back is still wonky from my car accident over a year ago so a low key fix would be interesting to try. 

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1 hour ago, RisenPhoenix said:


Wait. Do magnesium supplements help with injury knots? My back is still wonky from my car accident over a year ago so a low key fix would be interesting to try. 

 

Men over 40 tend towards magnesium deficiencies.  Low magnesium contributes to muscle cramping.  In my case, the knot started, my body hated me, and resulted in a 3 cm tear.  Since I started taking the supplement, I notice my exertion cramps have drastically reduced.  Now, this is an n=1 sample size, attempted from an anecdotal recommendation of one of my teachers, so do some research.  Excess magnesium will have you on the can for an uncomfortable length of time.  If your diet is already rich in magnesium, your root causes may differ.

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On ‎2‎/‎11‎/‎2020 at 7:53 PM, SevenFootGeek said:

I got divorced, had multiple severe depressive episodes, gone through two career changes, and lost a huge amount of self-worth.

 

Happens to the best of us...But then again, it happens to the worst of us.. well...ok... that's not very encouraging. How about this: Not going through that kind of stuff at some point in your life would make you statistically unusual, or boring, or dead...nope, that's not helping.. Hmm, oh heck. How about this. Knowing other people on this site go through stuff makes ME feel better and a little less unusual. Great!... I made it about me...again....

 

Ok, so let me try again..___________________________________________________________(please fill in blank with non-toxic but still appropriately cisgender masculine words of support and encouragement)

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13 hours ago, RisenPhoenix said:


Wait. Do magnesium supplements help with injury knots? My back is still wonky from my car accident over a year ago so a low key fix would be interesting to try. 

 

Short answer: yes. Also, basically everyone is low on magnesium.

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Ai ya, I had been thinking about Monday as the challenge start.  Today is a statutory holiday in Canada, so most things are closed, including my work.  Self-improvement, however, never rests.

 

This shadow started dark.  I am a survivor of long term abuse.  From the time I was 4 until I was 11, I was regularly and pretty unpleasantly beaten.  My mother's second husband was not a kind man, and I was a difficult child.  Belts, ping pong paddles, and a bare hand were his weapons of choice against a child less than half his size.  I was afraid for my life for most of my childhood.  This is the root of most of my mental health struggles.  Like many PTSD survivors, I blamed myself, shut everyone out, and didn't trust a single soul.  Even almost 30 years after this man was shut out of my life, I still find myself believing that my friends and loved ones don't want me around.  In my teens and 20s, I used harsh, cutting sarcasm and sardonic self-deprecation to keep people at arm's length.  It didn't always work, and there were people that I hurt in the process.  

 

Even just typing out that impersonal paragraph feels like too much.  I re-read it and think to myself, "it wasn't that bad," or, "other people had it a lot worse."  You know, all the things that our society uses to downplay each other's suffering and shame victims.  I've learned that I can't talk to my family, who were actually there for most of it, without hearing those things.  A small number of my friends know some of the details.  Some.  No one knows even close to everything.  

 

That's all I can manage today.  My hands aren't ready to type more.

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2 hours ago, SevenFootGeek said:

Ai ya, I had been thinking about Monday as the challenge start.  Today is a statutory holiday in Canada, so most things are closed, including my work.  Self-improvement, however, never rests.

 

This shadow started dark.  I am a survivor of long term abuse.  From the time I was 4 until I was 11, I was regularly and pretty unpleasantly beaten.  My mother's second husband was not a kind man, and I was a difficult child.  Belts, ping pong paddles, and a bare hand were his weapons of choice against a child less than half his size.  I was afraid for my life for most of my childhood.  This is the root of most of my mental health struggles.  Like many PTSD survivors, I blamed myself, shut everyone out, and didn't trust a single soul.  Even almost 30 years after this man was shut out of my life, I still find myself believing that my friends and loved ones don't want me around.  In my teens and 20s, I used harsh, cutting sarcasm and sardonic self-deprecation to keep people at arm's length.  It didn't always work, and there were people that I hurt in the process.  

 

Even just typing out that impersonal paragraph feels like too much.  I re-read it and think to myself, "it wasn't that bad," or, "other people had it a lot worse."  You know, all the things that our society uses to downplay each other's suffering and shame victims.  I've learned that I can't talk to my family, who were actually there for most of it, without hearing those things.  A small number of my friends know some of the details.  Some.  No one knows even close to everything.  

 

That's all I can manage today.  My hands aren't ready to type more.

I really want to give you a hug.

 

 

 

 

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I am also a person who can't stop watching One Punch Man.  I devoured season 2 last night and it made me late.  Even with the Shogun messaging me to go to bed.  Yarg.  Never two in a row, right?

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1 hour ago, Kishi said:

I will also hug you if you're able to accept those right now.

 

14 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I really want to give you a hug.

 

You're in South Carolina and Texas, respectively.  My arms are very long, but they're not that long.

 

Also, hugs are welcome from people I know.  As I have met both of you in person, hugs are always welcome.

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16 hours ago, The Shogun said:

WHAT THE F IS WRONG WITH ALL THESE THREADS THAT INVITE THE ONION NINJAS INTO MY HOUSE!! 

 

I did put up a warning in my intro post.  This is not going to get better.

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You lived through bad things happening to you. That has consequences for you that are making your life harder than it would have been if the bad things hadn't happened.

 

It's true that bad things happen to lots of people. There is no game where only the person who is hurt worst gets sympathy. If someone is denying that your experience was bad, they are not listening to you and do not deserve your consideration.

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