SevenFootGeek emerges from the shadows

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

1 hour ago, SevenFootGeek said:

 

 

You're in South Carolina and Texas, respectively.  My arms are very long, but they're not that long.

 

Also, hugs are welcome from people I know.  As I have met both of you in person, hugs are always welcome.

Real picture of either of us hugging you:

[raptron]

Luckily you have friends that find the shadows to be pretty comfy to hang around. 

[SevenFootGeek]

1 hour ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Real picture of either of us hugging you:

 

@Kishi and I had more awkward hugs.

 

 

[starpuck]

If we're at the point of awkward hugs... then I present what happens when one hugs a 5'2" mouse.    

 Note-- Hockey skates add about 2-3" to regular height...

 

Yay!  These are second best to actual hugs.  Memories of actual hugs!

 

[Seduisante]

20 hours ago, SevenFootGeek said:

I still find myself believing that my friends and loved ones don't want me around.  In my teens and 20s, I used harsh, cutting sarcasm and sardonic self-deprecation to keep people at arm's length.  It didn't always work, and there were people that I hurt in the process.  

 

First, I know that you don't really know me (I'm more of a lurker) - I hit a few challenges some years ago but was never all that active.

 

Second, FWIW, I do this, too.  And I don't have a history of abuse, quite the opposite.  But perhaps it's not all that uncommon?  Actually, well into my 40's I'm still quite fluent in sarcasm and self-depreciation.  It's part of my charm?  At any rate, what I mean to say is that you're not alone and may be more well adjusted than you give yourself credit for. 

Re: Magnesium supplements.  I use them, too for the same reason.  I definitely notice less muscles tightness and cramping when I take them regularly.

[karinajean]

hi have I always lurked on your challenges? like I keep awkwardly lurking in monkspace? and is it weird that you start talking magnesium supplements and I'm like OH HECK YEAH I'M HERE FOR THIS CHALLENGE BECAUSE I AM AGING RAPIDLY?

 

21 hours ago, SevenFootGeek said:

"it wasn't that bad," or, "other people had it a lot worse." 

 

I'm going to drop some platitudes that, tho' platitudes, have helped me a lot when I have these thoughts:

there's no such thing as tragedy olympics.

comparison is the theft of joy.

but mostly: THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS TRAGEDY OLYMPICS.

 

7 hours ago, SevenFootGeek said:

I am also a person who can't stop watching One Punch Man.  I devoured season 2 last night and it made me late.  Even with the Shogun messaging me to go to bed.  Yarg.  Never two in a row, right?

also I'm having a hard time seeing this as a problem? tho I understand it's in the way of your challenge goals. but really, this might be a place where you didn't have a fighting chance.

[Haikoo]

SO agreed about the tragedy olympics. Many of us have trauma and we all come through it differently. There is no competition, nor even a valid scale for scoring. It's too subjective, too individual to the person that we are. We all handle it differently.  And that is okay.

 

 

<HUGS>

[SevenFootGeek]

I didn't update last night because @Shogun messaged me as I was getting into bed to harass me that it was time to go to sleep.

 

I'm generally terrible at responding to people directly in my threads, so if you haven't seen me in a while, just know that I do read everything and I appreciate it.  I'm not @Starpuck with the capacity to keep track of quote trains longer than she is tall.

 

***

 

So, back to the venting.  My home life was basically garbage and I had one refuge, which as a nerdy, introverted kid, was obviously going to be school.  Fun fact, though.  Kids are basically animals and they ostracize and punish any difference, real or imagined.  At one end of the scale, I was a weird nerd that knew the librarians by name and read every novel available in my school.  At the other end of the scale, I was a gangly scarecrow of a boy, towering over my entire class with my matchstick limbs.  It would not be inaccurate to say that I was like Jack Skellington in many respects.  So on both ends of the "different" scale of the schoolyard, I was something to mock and ruin.  And, oh how they went after me.

 

My family moved around a lot.  Not military brat levels of a lot, but 7 public schools before high school is still quite a bit.  Being the constant New Kid, I was the target of bullies.  I put my hand up in class, I got bullied.  I finished a test and read for the rest of class, I got bullied.  Pushed down in the mud, my locker vandalized, my notebooks and pencils stolen, books destroyed.  All the fun stuff.  80s movies always seemed perfectly normal to me, even with the bordering-on-homicidal bully antagonists.  Because that was my life.  

 

***

 

It feels selfish to me to be using this platform to talk about being a nerdy kid in the 80s and 90s.  It's my brain still trying to compete in the Tragedy Olympics and insist that I don't deserve a place.  This is a hideously uncomfortable process, which is why I'm only putting a little bit down every day.  

 

 

[starpuck]

1 hour ago, SevenFootGeek said:

I'm not @Starpuck with the capacity to keep track of quote trains longer than she is tall.

I only sometimes do that!   And longer than I am tall is a pretty easy thing to accomplish, lol!

 

Sharing in small doses is probably wisest.   Wise Giant is Wise.   I am glad you feel able to share with us here.    Sometimes one person's struggle, becomes another's survival guide.   I wish our world didn't program us the garbage line that says we have to have it all right and together.   No one does.   I treasure my relationships with people who know I'm messy, and still want to come sit among the clutter.  You have always been one of them.   Thank you for that.

[Mistr]

2 hours ago, SevenFootGeek said:

It feels selfish to me to be using this platform to talk about being a nerdy kid in the 80s and 90s.  It's my brain still trying to compete in the Tragedy Olympics and insist that I don't deserve a place.  This is a hideously uncomfortable process, which is why I'm only putting a little bit down every day.  

 

All my friends were nerdy friends in the 70s and 80s. That part is perfectly normal. The details of your story are different (and interesting!), but the overall theme is unfortunately common. You have come to the right place, lots of people here understand far too well what you went through.

 

I agree with @Starpuck, tell your story at a pace that is comfortable for you. We are here to listen and support you.

[Kishi]

There's no rush, man. Say what you want when you want for as long as you want. We got you.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

6 hours ago, SevenFootGeek said:

 

It feels selfish to me to be using this platform to talk about being a nerdy kid in the 80s and 90s.  It's my brain still trying to compete in the Tragedy Olympics and insist that I don't deserve a place. 

As the guy running the forums with the authority of a starship captain let me say what you are doing is an entirely appropriate use of the forums. I don't know if that will sufficiently quiet the brain weasels, but at least it has been explicitly stated. Also, I agree with the others in affirming the wisdom of sharing a little at a time. Now let me find a box to stand on so I can give you another hug. 

[SevenFootGeek]

Things that frustrate me:  Getting to bed according to my schedule and then waking up an hour later with an acid reflux attack that keeps me awake for the next four hours.  Fun stuff.

 

 

[Kyellan]

24 minutes ago, SevenFootGeek said:

Things that frustrate me:  Getting to bed according to my schedule and then waking up an hour later with an acid reflux attack that keeps me awake for the next four hours.  Fun stuff.

 

 

 

I feel this so hard.

[SevenFootGeek]

No post last night because I crashed super hard.  I went in to class and, to my surprise, we got to play with knives.  My master has been focusing hard on sword training for the past couple of weeks, so it was fun to take out the smaller blades and work through the applications of motion.

 

Sleep was better than the previous night.  No acid reflux.  Turned the lights out at 9:58 because I am trying to do too much, but still got to sleep.

 

Now my work day is starting and I need to do my rounds.

[Kishi]

2 hours ago, SevenFootGeek said:

No post last night because I crashed super hard.  I went in to class and, to my surprise, we got to play with knives.  My master has been focusing hard on sword training for the past couple of weeks, so it was fun to take out the smaller blades and work through the applications of motion.

 

Sleep was better than the previous night.  No acid reflux.  Turned the lights out at 9:58 because I am trying to do too much, but still got to sleep.

 

Now my work day is starting and I need to do my rounds.

 

Fun times. Was it all technique and flow work or did y'all get a chance to spar with them?

[RisenPhoenix]

On 2/18/2020 at 2:50 PM, SevenFootGeek said:

 

@Kishi and I had more awkward hugs.

 

 

 

Awww.  That was a fun night.  I had to kick Seth and @Gainsdalf the Whey out of my house at like 3am because I needed sleep.

 

Also I guess I'll give hugs as well.  I guess.

[mitch_dee]

I will echo everyone else here, take the time you want/need, say anything you need to vent, always know there is ZERO judgement by anyone here.  There have been so many times I have been on these forums and then went into a downward spiral only to withdraw and not use the place as a safe zone to say things I never could to others.  I am trying my best to now; sometimes it comes out in rants, others in just a quick feelings dump, but every time the Nerds here have support it, have come to listen, and in just that act have helped me out.  

 

Always know, that even if I don't post in here, I read all your words and send all the positivity I can your way!  I just never have faith in what I say on these topics as I suffer through them as well.

 

Side note: Any hug from a fellow NFer, awkward or not, is a great hug!

[SevenFootGeek]

5 hours ago, Kishi said:

 

Fun times. Was it all technique and flow work or did y'all get a chance to spar with them?

 

It was all technique and flow work.  There's a lot of syncopation in the rhythm of our attacks, so building the patterns is important before trying to apply them.  

[SevenFootGeek]

Okay, late week 1 recap.

 

I missed only a single night getting to bed on time.  I call that a win.

 

I went to both classes I intended to.  Saturday was all sword sparring in full armour, which is super fun.

 

I have talked here about things that very, very few people know about and that I downplay and push away at all other times.

 

Week 1 summary:  Good start!

 

 

[SevenFootGeek]

Now, this whole week 2 thing.

 

Sunday night, I had a migraine that kept me up until 4 am.  Contrary to my impulses, I stayed home from work and let my body recover.  I did follow that up with being tucked in and ready for sleep by 9, which I am happy about.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Migraines suck. Good job taking care of yourself.

[starpuck]

Great job young Midoriya!!!

 

I am so glad you are here sharing life with us.  💙

[Kishi]

Sounds like the sleep was just the ticket. Super cool to hear!

[SevenFootGeek]

Okay.  I have been putting this off, because it still scares the shit out of me to this day.

 

I suffer from PTSD, mild to moderate anxiety, and severe depression, with suicidal tendencies.  In 2002, I ate an entire bottle of Tylenol 3.  That bottle was expired.  In 2016, I had a plan to take my life after my cross-country road trip.  That was the year I went to Camp Nerd Fitness.  In 2018, I sat down and decided that best thing I could do for myself was to drive my car into a light pole.  A close friend called me while I was sitting there thinking about how to do it.

 

Obviously, I wasn't successful.  But these events, and the time between them, are what make me realize that I am not one of the people that can see a therapist for six months and be done.  This is a lifelong effort.  There are demons that live in my head and they want horrible things of me.  I wake up most mornings and have to make a conscious effort that I should stay alive.  It sucks.  It is exhausting.  I have days where I am so tired of fighting against myself, that I just want to let go.  Those are the days where I can't even talk to the people closest to me because I don't have the energy to.  I get to work.  I get home.  I sleep.  That's all of my spoons.

 

These days, I am taking steps to get work with a benefit plan so that I can afford medication and therapy.  It's a long road.  It's an ugly road.  But it's the road I have to walk.