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SevenFootGeek emerges from the shadows


SevenFootGeek

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1 hour ago, SevenFootGeek said:

Okay.  I have been putting this off, because it still scares the shit out of me to this day.

 

I suffer from PTSD, mild to moderate anxiety, and severe depression, with suicidal tendencies.  In 2002, I ate an entire bottle of Tylenol 3.  That bottle was expired.  In 2016, I had a plan to take my life after my cross-country road trip.  That was the year I went to Camp Nerd Fitness.  In 2018, I sat down and decided that best thing I could do for myself was to drive my car into a light pole.  A close friend called me while I was sitting there thinking about how to do it.

 

Obviously, I wasn't successful.  But these events, and the time between them, are what make me realize that I am not one of the people that can see a therapist for six months and be done.  This is a lifelong effort.  There are demons that live in my head and they want horrible things of me.  I wake up most mornings and have to make a conscious effort that I should stay alive.  It sucks.  It is exhausting.  I have days where I am so tired of fighting against myself, that I just want to let go.  Those are the days where I can't even talk to the people closest to me because I don't have the energy to.  I get to work.  I get home.  I sleep.  That's all of my spoons.

 

These days, I am taking steps to get work with a benefit plan so that I can afford medication and therapy.  It's a long road.  It's an ugly road.  But it's the road I have to walk.

Would it be helpful if some of us randomly called you from time to time to check on you?

  • Like 1

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"By the Most-Righteous-and-Blessed Beard of Sir Tanktimus the Encourager!" - Jarl Rurik Harrgath

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40 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Would it be helpful if some of us randomly called you from time to time to check on you?

I would gladly get in on this.

 

Level 75 ~*~ Ranger

Deviant Art Gallery   ||  YouTube Channel

Current Challenge

"It is difficult.  All things worth keeping are."  Thane Krios - Mass Effect 2

"Maybe it's not as simple as you imagined, Seeker."  Varric Tethras Dragon Age 2

"Staying within your limits is no fun, Ryder."  Vetra Nyx - ME: Andromeda

Spoiler

 

::PAST CHALLENGES::

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 20 | 21 | 22

23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 | 32 | 33 | 34 | 35 | 36 | 37 | 38 | 39 | 40 | 41 | 42

43 | 44 | NEIN | 45 | 46 | 47 | 48| 49 | 50 | 51 | 52 | 53 | 54 | 55 | 56 | 57 | 58 | 59 | 60 | 61

62 | 63 | 64 | 65 | 66 | 67 | 68 | 69 | 70 | 71 | 72 | 73 | 74 | 75 | 76 | 77 | 78 | 79 | 80 | 81

 

 

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Stahp.  I'm too emotionally fragile to deal with people caring...

 

In seriousness, though, I do appreciate it.  I've got a couple of people that do check in on me for these and other reasons.  While I can't say I'm "okay" by any normal definition, I am stable right now.  I have a few things in the pipeline that will help my health.  Being accountable here is definitely one of them.  It is easier to face the demons when I have feedback lit up in neon saying things like, "You're not as horrible as you think you are!"

  • Like 1

Half-Giant Monk

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"Promote yourself, but do not demote another." Yisroel Salanter

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25 minutes ago, SevenFootGeek said:

Stahp.  I'm too emotionally fragile to deal with people caring...

 

In seriousness, though, I do appreciate it.  I've got a couple of people that do check in on me for these and other reasons.  While I can't say I'm "okay" by any normal definition, I am stable right now.  I have a few things in the pipeline that will help my health.  Being accountable here is definitely one of them.  It is easier to face the demons when I have feedback lit up in neon saying things like, "You're not as horrible as you think you are!"

You are not horrible at all.

  • Like 2
  • That's Metal 1

Current Challenge

"By the Most-Righteous-and-Blessed Beard of Sir Tanktimus the Encourager!" - Jarl Rurik Harrgath

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1 hour ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

You are not horrible at all.

THIS TIMES INFINITY

 

  • Like 1
  • That's Metal 1

Level 75 ~*~ Ranger

Deviant Art Gallery   ||  YouTube Channel

Current Challenge

"It is difficult.  All things worth keeping are."  Thane Krios - Mass Effect 2

"Maybe it's not as simple as you imagined, Seeker."  Varric Tethras Dragon Age 2

"Staying within your limits is no fun, Ryder."  Vetra Nyx - ME: Andromeda

Spoiler

 

::PAST CHALLENGES::

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 20 | 21 | 22

23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 | 32 | 33 | 34 | 35 | 36 | 37 | 38 | 39 | 40 | 41 | 42

43 | 44 | NEIN | 45 | 46 | 47 | 48| 49 | 50 | 51 | 52 | 53 | 54 | 55 | 56 | 57 | 58 | 59 | 60 | 61

62 | 63 | 64 | 65 | 66 | 67 | 68 | 69 | 70 | 71 | 72 | 73 | 74 | 75 | 76 | 77 | 78 | 79 | 80 | 81

 

 

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4 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

You are not horrible at all.

 

3 hours ago, Starpuck said:

THIS TIMES INFINITY

 

 

1 hour ago, Kishi said:

 

 

WHAT THEY SAID

 

6 minutes ago, Mistr said:

Getting up and facing each day is a huge win.

 

You are a valuable human being.

 

I hope you find a better job with benefits doing something you enjoy. There are medical treatments that will help keep your brain from trying to ruin your life. Hang in there, things will get better.

 

THEY ARE ALL CORRECT AND YOU ARE NOT TERRIBLE AT ALL.

  • Like 2

RisenPhoenix, the Entish Aikidoka

Challenge: RisenPhoenix Turns to Ash

 

"The essence of koryu [...is] you offer your loyalty to something that you choose to regard as greater than yourself so that you will, someday, be able to offer service to something that truly is transcendent." ~ Ellis Amdur, Old School

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All this. Your brain is an unreliable narrator, and is not telling you the truth.

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I felt like I could run forever, like I could smell the wind and feel the grass under my feet, and just run forever.

Current Challenge: #24 - Mrs. Cosmopolite Challenge

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I genuinely don't know what to do with all this.  This is why I broke down and took the better part of two weeks to recover from Camp Nerd Fitness.  It takes a lot of effort for me to process, well, other people caring.

 

Went to bed on time last night.  I didn't make it to class, but that's because I had an appointment with a framer to have the custom jersey I had made for my supervisor who retired at the start of the year mounted.  I was there for an hour and a half, going over details that are confusing to me (I do not art), but in the end, put together something that I'm very happy with to showcase how important this man was to me.  I will accept the strike against my goals in order to have achieved this.

  • Like 6

Half-Giant Monk

current challenge

"Promote yourself, but do not demote another." Yisroel Salanter

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On 2/27/2020 at 11:44 AM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

You are not horrible at all.

delayed but ^^^^^^

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Raptron, alot assassin

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7 hours ago, SevenFootGeek said:

I genuinely don't know what to do with all this.  This is why I broke down and took the better part of two weeks to recover from Camp Nerd Fitness.  It takes a lot of effort for me to process, well, other people caring.

We are out there, and in here to, on the rectangle through which you view the forums.

  • Like 2

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"By the Most-Righteous-and-Blessed Beard of Sir Tanktimus the Encourager!" - Jarl Rurik Harrgath

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On 2/28/2020 at 9:31 AM, SevenFootGeek said:

I genuinely don't know what to do with all this.  This is why I broke down and took the better part of two weeks to recover from Camp Nerd Fitness.  It takes a lot of effort for me to process, well, other people caring.

 

If it makes you feel any better, I still find the above true, but you're also still a Jerkface.

 

Balance and all that.

RisenPhoenix, the Entish Aikidoka

Challenge: RisenPhoenix Turns to Ash

 

"The essence of koryu [...is] you offer your loyalty to something that you choose to regard as greater than yourself so that you will, someday, be able to offer service to something that truly is transcendent." ~ Ellis Amdur, Old School

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Ah, the mid-challenge slump.  What fun.  

 

Baring my soul has its own complications.  Talking openly about what I wrestle with sent me spiraling pretty badly.  Two weeks ago, I did not go to class at all.  I told myself it was because I was tired and had other things to do, but the truth of the matter is that I wanted to curl up in a ball and forget the world.  That's just not good for me.  Last week, I forced myself out of the house and got to class both times I intended to.  Miraculously, my mood improved.  Hapkido truly is a major component of my mental health landscape.  Plus, sword fighting is fun.  Do the things that matter to you.  It's important.

 

I have been keeping my sleep on track.  I only missed on one day last week, which is an enormous improvement.  I generally feel more alert and it's easier to get up and start my day.  These are the obvious things that people who get enough sleep already understand.  

 

Sunday, I came down with a pretty vicious cold which I am currently in the middle of kicking to the curb.  I went home from work early on Monday because of the environment of paranoia covid-19 has produced.  I was also feeling incredibly shitty, so it wasn't without merit.  I don't get paid sick days at work, so it's a bitter pill to swallow sometimes.  I am currently dosing myself with DayQuil on a timer to keep myself moderately functional, but I still feel like trash.  I am hoping this does not affect my training schedule, but I also don't want to spread this around.

 

And, of course, the brain-meats.  Something that is attributed to Robin Williams is this quote:

 

"I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy.  Because they know what it's like to feel absolutely worthless and they don't want anybody else to feel like that."

 

When I talk to people about my mental health and struggles with depression, I often come back to this.  I consistently hear the cliched responses from people.  "But you're so happy" or "I don't understand.  You're wonderful to everyone."  That quote is the facade that I, and others like me, live with.  I hate myself with a passion and vitriol that simple words cannot express.  Nothing I do or say moves the needle on that.  Paradoxically, at the exact same time, I recognize and aggressively advocate that no one else deserves to feel like that.  Some may recall my early days on the NF forums and my very shouty responses to people who spoke ill of themselves.  This is where it comes from.  I will actually pick people up and hold them, make soothing noises, and remind them of how loved they are.  I will do it a thousand times if I have to.  And every time someone asks, "aren't you tired of this?  Of putting up with me?" my only response is to hold them tighter.  Never.  I am never tired of it.

 

But me?  That's just my lot in life.  My demons are very real and I deserve them.

 

Now, before the avalanche of "NO, YOU DON'T" starts, let me amend.  I stared at that last sentence for ten whole minutes turning it over in my head.  There is some clarity to be had with it.

 

I am aware of the ratio of deeply faithful nerds that are following me, and the belief in forgiveness that fosters.  In the depths of my depression, I have done things that make me ashamed, that are reprehensible, and that I can never take back.  No matter what position in my illness they occurred, they were still me.  I have not, and cannot currently, forgive myself for them.  I used to believe that I could not and should not be forgiven.  Faith is not something I possess, you see.  As I dig deeper into my health, I am coming around to the idea that with sufficient effort, it is possible to be forgiven.  Intellectually, I understand that.  Emotionally.... well, there are obstacles.  I'm working on it.

 

My first step, and the scariest one to me, is saying these things out loud.

 

 

  • Like 2

Half-Giant Monk

current challenge

"Promote yourself, but do not demote another." Yisroel Salanter

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These are big statements friend.   They're hard statements.    But you have reached them through your own efforts and you are starting to tell yourself a different narrative.  Perhaps one that you would advocate for your friends (as you've mentioned.)   No one expects an off and on switch of efforts vs results.   (Well except ourselves far too often.  Dumb selves.)    I am proud of you for fighting on.   Infinitely proud of you.      That first step is taken.    That. Is. Awesome.

 

Also, way to go really underlining that you've discovered this:

Quote

Hapkido truly is a major component of my mental health landscape.  Plus, sword fighting is fun.  Do the things that matter to you.  It's important.

 

That's like a Potion of Healing stuck to your belt.   Make sure you hit the shoppe to pick those up before venturing out.  And quaff one when you need it!

 

 

Level 75 ~*~ Ranger

Deviant Art Gallery   ||  YouTube Channel

Current Challenge

"It is difficult.  All things worth keeping are."  Thane Krios - Mass Effect 2

"Maybe it's not as simple as you imagined, Seeker."  Varric Tethras Dragon Age 2

"Staying within your limits is no fun, Ryder."  Vetra Nyx - ME: Andromeda

Spoiler

 

::PAST CHALLENGES::

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 20 | 21 | 22

23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 | 32 | 33 | 34 | 35 | 36 | 37 | 38 | 39 | 40 | 41 | 42

43 | 44 | NEIN | 45 | 46 | 47 | 48| 49 | 50 | 51 | 52 | 53 | 54 | 55 | 56 | 57 | 58 | 59 | 60 | 61

62 | 63 | 64 | 65 | 66 | 67 | 68 | 69 | 70 | 71 | 72 | 73 | 74 | 75 | 76 | 77 | 78 | 79 | 80 | 81

 

 

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1 hour ago, Starpuck said:

That's like a Potion of Healing stuck to your belt.   Make sure you hit the shoppe to pick those up before venturing out.  And quaff one when you need it!

 

 

I feel like there's a challenge theme in this statement.  There's a lot to be said for an adventuring party being properly equipped before heading into the wilderness.

  • Like 1

Half-Giant Monk

current challenge

"Promote yourself, but do not demote another." Yisroel Salanter

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Can you accept the same way that you believe others don't deserve to feel the way you feel, that we believe you don't deserve what you feel? That's not asking you to change what you believe, but to accept that our beliefs say otherwise. The hardest person in the world to forgive is always ourself. If I may share something from my own faith about forgiveness it might help you where you are. Forgiveness is never about deserving. It's not about saying what the forgiven did was right. It does not mean going back to the way things were before, or even pretending to go back to the way things were before. It's a release. The forgiver releases the forgiven, and in so doing, the forgiver finds freedom. From this perspective, the question of deserving forgiveness is irrelevant, because one cannot earn forgiveness. It's a gift the forgiver gives, and both the wronged and the offender can benefit. 

 

Another suggestion is to consider your ability to hug those who hurt, and imagine you doing that for your younger self, the one who had not yet done the things you find so difficult to forgive. That may or may not be a helpful image, but I suggest you try it at least once.

 

Furthermore, depression is a lying bad-worded bad-word, and telling you that you deserve nothing good. 

 

 

  • Like 3

Current Challenge

"By the Most-Righteous-and-Blessed Beard of Sir Tanktimus the Encourager!" - Jarl Rurik Harrgath

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"Facts don't care about your feelings," but how you feel determines what facts you pay attention to.

 

Pardon me if I seem blunt, but I'd rather be concrete in my compassion as a means to engage, because you're my friend and I care about you. I am very clumsy, however, so I beg your pardon if I do it poorly.

 

You feel that the reprehensible things don't deserve to be forgiven. Absent my theological framework: maybe they do, maybe they don't. I can't answer that question for you. And anyway, like @Tanktimus the Encourager says, deserve ain't got much to do with it.

 

What I can tell you though is that you aren't just the reprehensible things you've done. I know this because you are human, and the fact is nobody is just the good or the bad things that they've done.

 

I can get being in a place where you either can't remember the good things you've done, or else framing them in your head in a distinctly uncharitable way (oh, I did this good thing, but I did it for reasons that I think are bad, so really it was me manipulating someone, ergo it's really a bad thing). But the fact is, people can do bad things with good intentions, and bad things with good intentions. Intent matters, but truthfully, it's just one facet out of a whole host of facets, and it's not really any more important than any of the others.

 

Feelings don't turn on a dime. They're closer to something like seasons. They last until something changes, be it chemistry, circumstance, insight, attitude, whatever. Regardless, they are to be endured or enjoyed as necessary. How long it will take for you to feel like you can accept any kind of forgiveness isn't something that has a timetable attached to it, but FWIW I'd advocate for you enduring until it passes and you find that you can accept the gift.

  • Like 2
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3 hours ago, SevenFootGeek said:

Baring my soul has its own complications.  Talking openly about what I wrestle with sent me spiraling pretty badly.  Two weeks ago, I did not go to class at all.  I told myself it was because I was tired and had other things to do, but the truth of the matter is that I wanted to curl up in a ball and forget the world.  That's just not good for me.  Last week, I forced myself out of the house and got to class both times I intended to.  Miraculously, my mood improved.  Hapkido truly is a major component of my mental health landscape.  Plus, sword fighting is fun.  Do the things that matter to you.  It's important.

 

I have been keeping my sleep on track.  I only missed on one day last week, which is an enormous improvement.  I generally feel more alert and it's easier to get up and start my day.  These are the obvious things that people who get enough sleep already understand.  

 

You are making real progress. You figured out what was going badly and took the steps to make it better. Yay for sword fighting!  Soon you will be able to combat your demons and slay them all.

 

Better sleep is a huge step towards better everything else. Get some NyQuil to go with the DayQuil so that you can sleep through the cold symptoms. You have a physiological reason to get extra sleep. Give yourself the resources to recover.

 

3 hours ago, SevenFootGeek said:

My first step, and the scariest one to me, is saying these things out loud.

 

You did that!  Go you!

 

Every time you do the scary thing it gets easier. Part of your brain is sure that bad things will happen when you say things out loud. Every time you say things and you see that those bad things don't happen, you get stronger. You reinforce the new version of SevenFootGeek and move further away from the old version. One scary step at a time.

 

I know this from doing randori in aikido. I remember being a 26-year old shy 5th kyu student. I was now allowed to go to advanced class and saw randori for the first time. I watched in awe. After a couple weeks of advanced class, the chief instructor asked me if I wanted to take a turn. Eeeep NO!!!  I was sure I was going to die. My brain was not clear on whether I would die from getting hit or die from embarassment for not being able to deal with being hit. Either way, I was going to die. Even so, I knew I would have to do it sooner or later. So one weekend I had a test coming up on Monday at school. I decided it would be a good day to die, so I wouldn't have to study for the test. That made doing randori a good thing. It worked. I did randori and did not die. I even passed the test the next day.

 

I was also terrified of public speaking. I got through that much the same way. Exposure in small doses, over and over. Fear is your brain trying to defend you. Arguing doesn't help much, but showing your brain that it is wrong works. You are doing that. You are facing your fears and getting stronger every time. I am proud of you.

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7 hours ago, SevenFootGeek said:

But me?  That's just my lot in life.  My demons are very real and I deserve them.

 

Now, before the avalanche of "NO, YOU DON'T" starts,

 

Too late.

 

Your demons are real.  The Consequences of your actions are real.  But you do not deserve the constant torment of the demons.  That is unproductive self flagellation (says the pot to the kettle).  You can learn from the demons, even if the consequences they wrought suck and are hard to overcome.  But they don't belong around you forever just because you feel you deserve to suffer for past sins. 

 

Because we all love you.

 

Well, all these weirdos love you.  I'm just mildly fond of you or something.

  • Like 4

RisenPhoenix, the Entish Aikidoka

Challenge: RisenPhoenix Turns to Ash

 

"The essence of koryu [...is] you offer your loyalty to something that you choose to regard as greater than yourself so that you will, someday, be able to offer service to something that truly is transcendent." ~ Ellis Amdur, Old School

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