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Tobbe

Tobbe Becomes a Yogi in South East Asia

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14 hours ago, Jean said:

I can't give any advice on a situation I have no experience with but I still wanted to show support, so this message is just me cheering for you both and supporting Tank's words of wisdom.

 

Sending you positive thoughts and best wishes.

 

Thanks a lot Jean

 

14 hours ago, Scalyfreak said:

 

I'm going to have to respectfully disagree with something you said here: "only leave us as friends", is neither bad or a downgrade of any kind.

 

For a couple to remain committed to each other for a few decades or longer, you need to be close friends. And a genuinely close friendship is by definition an intimate and loving relationship, and it's a rare blessing to have that kind of deep connection with anyone. If you are fortunate enough to have it with your chosen life partner, the other parent of your children, then you are both lucky, and I hope you are able to keep it that way. Every couple I know who has been happily married for 30 years or longer, are each others' best friends. I refuse to believe that is a coincidence. :)

 

You are right. It's something you hear again and again "He/she has always been my best friend". And to be fair, I think my wife is still my best friend. But only because she's also my only good friend. If you asked everyone I know for their five best friends, I'm pretty sure no one of them would say my name. I haven't had a close friend since grade 6. The explanation I've always given myself is that I'm not funny or interesting enough to hang out with.

 

14 hours ago, Scalyfreak said:

Is it the magical solution to all relationships problems? Of course not. But I do believe that it's a necessary component of a successful long-term monogamous relationship.

 

Doesn't even have to be monogamous. She can have however many partners she likes, as long as I don't ever know about it...

 

14 hours ago, Scalyfreak said:

@Tanktimus the Encourager is also correct that open and honest communication makes or breaks marriages. I can confirm from personal experience that mine become exponentially better when we both started to put genuine efforts into trying to communicate better with each other.

 

I think the key word there is "effort". I'm starting to think we might not try hard enough. I'm going to ask my wife to run an experiment with me when we get back home. I want to see what happens if we both try to actually be nice to each other, and to just suck it up if you feel wrongly treated. Not forever of course, but for just one week. Or at least wait until the next day, and talk about it then. 

 

14 hours ago, Scalyfreak said:

And good luck to you both. 

 

Thank you.

 

12 hours ago, Elastigirl said:

Oh man, I think that is so true. That is something both hubby and I have had to work on. I used to be so bad at this. I felt like  he should just know. We are much better at communicating now (34 years marriage) but we still occasionally struggle with this.

 

I while (a few months) ago, I started pointing out every time she expected something of me that we hadn't previously discussed. Or even in middle of conversations when she can randomly start talking about something else that popped up in her head. I'd tell her, "I can't read your mind, please give me the full context". After a while she actually recognized that she really did that, and seemed to understand that I found it difficult. But it never got to the point that she actually changed any of her behavior. And it's not just me she does this with, it's with the kids too. 

 

11 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

I hope you guys can figure it out. And not out of convenience. I've heard the framework of non-violent communication has worked for some people, maybe that could be worth looking into?

 

It seems difficult. I think we'd need someone to help facilitate something like that. 

 

11 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

Maybe scheduling time for these difficult conversations, for when you're not hangry and stressed?

 

A good time for us to talk is usually in the evening, after the kids have gone to bed, and after we've eaten. So finding a time isn't a problem. But setting an agenda, and figuring out how to keep the conversation constructive, is more of a challenge.

 

11 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

Just ideas, I'm terrible at this stuff. 

 

You're not terrible. I appreciate your input.

 

11 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

To me yoga with Queen sounds much more appealing than yoga without Queen.

 

I'm not surprised. But you also relax and wind down by doing pole dancing...

 

10 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I think you may find that as communication gets better the love will flow more easily.

 

I gotta believe that, don't I? I mean, if I don't, what's even the point?

 

10 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

If you are not feeling respected it is highly likely you are not going to feel loving. Conversely, if your wife is not feeling loved, it's highly likely she will not feel respectful. 

 

Yeah, it really is a vicious circle. And we need to break it.

 

10 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

As others have said, if your relationship is "Fixable" the fix is absolutely going to start with better communication.

 

💯

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5 minutes ago, Tobbe said:

I think the key word there is "effort". I'm starting to think we might not try hard enough. I'm going to ask my wife to run an experiment with me when we get back home. I want to see what happens if we both try to actually be nice to each other, and to just suck it up if you feel wrongly treated. Not forever of course, but for just one week. Or at least wait until the next day, and talk about it then. 

 

Talking about things that make us upset, is less volatile if we do it when we are no longer upset. There have actually been studies on this to try and prove this... 

 

May I suggest a slight tweak to your plan, or a follow-up? "just suck it up" sounds like "just shut it and don't whine", and I doubt that's what you're after. Frame it as "don't react right away, calm down and think about it, and then explain why it bothered you". I'm guessing that is probably what you had in mind anyway, and it sounds better. :)

 

And remember that actually being nice is a very vague term that is open for lots of interpretation. Might be a good idea to agree on what it means ahead of time.

 

 

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2 hours ago, Scalyfreak said:

May I suggest a slight tweak to your plan, or a follow-up? "just suck it up" sounds like "just shut it and don't whine", and I doubt that's what you're after.

 

It's actually exactly what I'm after. My hope is that it'll never come to this, since the first step is to not be mean to begin with.  Usually, from my point of view, this is how it often goes down; I do something that's to me is very innocent, like ask my wife to get my food at a restaurant as take away. She snaps at me. I get sad and angry and tell her to behave! And so we fight again. During the experiment she's nicer, so she doesn't snap at me. So there's nothing for me to "suck up". But if, for some reason, she does say something back that aggravates me, then I'll have to suck it up, to not make matters worse. The purpose is to break the cycle. So that we're both not mad at each other. 

 

Or if she for example drops my favorite coffee mug and it breaks. Instead of yelling at her, I suck it up, and help her clean up the mess. The next day I can tell her to perhaps try picking up all her things from the floor so she doesn't trip on everything so easily.

 

Hopefully we'll notice that making the effort to try and be nice with each other makes everything better and easier. And that it's something we want to continue doing.

 

2 hours ago, Scalyfreak said:

Frame it as "don't react right away, calm down and think about it, and then explain why it bothered you". I'm guessing that is probably what you had in mind anyway, and it sounds better. :)

 

Obviously this is what I'm after long-term, but not for my first experiment.

 

2 hours ago, Scalyfreak said:

And remember that actually being nice is a very vague term that is open for lots of interpretation. Might be a good idea to agree on what it means ahead of time.

 

Thanks for pointing this out. I could have easily missed it. I'll make sure to at least think about what it means to me before I bring it up with my wife.

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Friday

 

Now that we've tried soursop we obviously had to try sweetsop as well (aka sugar apple)

 

20200214_143317.jpg.8d256184c7f889ed895ac777d590ff5d.jpg

 

I do prefer the sour taste of the other fruit better. But this is a much more convenient size. Again I was the only one who really enjoyed it. My oldest son said it was "okay". 

 

20200214_185939.jpg.278a15b2c12eda9998627a660eef9bd0.jpg

 

For dinner we went to a restaurant we hadn't been to before, and I ordered the "Pan fried fish with Phu Quoc pepper". They grow a lot of pepper here on the island, and are pretty famous for it. (White, red, green and black pepper.) So when I saw it on the meny I had to try it :)  And I wasn't disappointed. It was very tasty.

 

In the evening, after the kids had fallen asleep, my wife and I started watching The Game Changers. But it was pretty late, so we didn't finish it. Hopefully we can continue tonight. 

 

The day had been pretty great up until this point. As I was getting ready to do yoga my wife asked me "Should you really do yoga, isn't it better you go to sleep?". She tried to make it sound as if she actually cared about my sleep, but after asking her the truth came out. She thought my breathing was too loud the night before when I was doing my yoga (fast mountain climbers synced with my breath). So she tried to shame me in to not doing yoga. It's funny/sad how such a small thing can trigger you when things are already a little tens to start with.

 

Yoga

 

Just did a short meditation thing with Adriene before going to bed.

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51 minutes ago, Tobbe said:

I do something that's to me is very innocent, like ask my wife to get my food at a restaurant as take away

 

As stated before, I'm absolutely no specialist of couple relationships. Feel free to ignore all or any of this.

 

That being said, if I draw a parallel to what I've lived, what seems innocent to you may cause a lot of anxiety to her (emphasis on the may, only you two can properly assess the situation). She is in a foreign place, away from her friends and may also be facing some kind of a language and/or cultural barrier. This could cut deep into her energy reserves. There may be no objective reason for it but on a perceived level, she may feel like she's being thrown in uncomfortable situations without reason (because what seems imperative to you - getting on time to your meeting - may seem an undue stress to her, just like what has her react strongly is looking innocent to you). I know I've felt it for things as stupid as making a phone call that had me feel cornered with bursts of anxiety errupting inside of me (while, on an objective level, it was just a freakin' phone call...).

 

I'm absolutely no specialist but this sounds like there's something going on underwater. While you do need to protect your own serenity, I'd not thread these waters thinking anything I do that involves my wife without her previous consent to be perceived as innocent (with or without cause), even though these events may only be the trigger and not the cause of the bursting out.

 

Difficult times, it seems, and you'll probably both have to go deep into the unspoken things that get you to feel uncomfortable, irritated and/or unjustly lashed upon. You (as in both of you) may even not realize that they're there (as in, she may be lashing out thinking she's fully justified while it actually comes from some other deeper buried reason that has only few to do with the current situation - the same may hold for your own reactions).

 

Take heart, be patient, communicate.

Wishing you temperance and persistence.

 

ETA:

29 minutes ago, Tobbe said:

She tried to make it sound as if she actually cared about my sleep, but after asking her the truth came out. She thought my breathing was too loud the night before when I was doing my yoga (fast mountain climbers synced with my breath).

 

Sounds like getting her to speak openly of what is bothering her is an ungoing battle. Take heart.

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The "Just suck it up" plan is not something I'd recommend. That's great for you, because it's what makes sense for you. But for an extrovert, not to be able to talk about something is like torture, and she's already extremely low on energy reserves. This is like an introvert having to be in a crowd of people almost all day every day, with people not shutting up and forcing you to engage in small talk. As draining as that is for an introvert like me, that's how draining not being able to interact with a bunch of people is for an extrovert. Also, some people need to process externally (talk it out) in order to process their feelings. A book I read once stated, "Men don't often talk about something till they know what they thing, women often don't know what they think about something till they talk it out." Asking your wife not to talk about things that bother her is not going to make her feel any better.

 

I think though, from what you replied to others, it's not so much that she talks about something that bothers you, but the WAY she talks about it. This goes back to the love and respect issue I mentioned earlier. Having said that, if you can learn to listen non-judgementally to things that she says, even if they seem like an attack on you, I think you'll find she gets to a place where she "sucks it up" and lets go of it. Whereas you need time to get through things, she needs to vent and be validated to let stuff go. There's a youtube video called "it's not about the nail" that illustrates this really well. It's satire, but for the purposes of this conversation try not to take the guy's side in the video:

 

Here's a helpful article about the video:
https://motivationandchange.com/no-really-not-nail/

 

And if you'd like a book I found helpful on the subject, here it is. Now it's a bit dated in it's examples, but the content is solid:
https://www.amazon.com/What-Mother-Couldnt-Father-Didnt/dp/0060171626

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You all have no idea how grateful I am for all the advice, encouragement and input I've gotten. Thank you so so much! Love every single one of you!! ❤️❤️❤️ 

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4 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

The "Just suck it up" plan is not something I'd recommend. That's great for you, because it's what makes sense for you. But for an extrovert, not to be able to talk about something is like torture, and she's already extremely low on energy reserves. This is like an introvert having to be in a crowd of people almost all day every day, with people not shutting up and forcing you to engage in small talk. As draining as that is for an introvert like me, that's how draining not being able to interact with a bunch of people is for an extrovert. Also, some people need to process externally (talk it out) in order to process their feelings. A book I read once stated, "Men don't often talk about something till they know what they thing, women often don't know what they think about something till they talk it out." Asking your wife not to talk about things that bother her is not going to make her feel any better.

 

Wow, thanks for the heads up. I'll have to revise my plan for sure.

 

7 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

it's not so much that she talks about something that bothers you, but the WAY she talks about it.

 

Yes, very much so.

 

7 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

if you can learn to listen non-judgementally to things that she says, even if they seem like an attack on you

 

Yeah, sometimes it feels like everything she says is an attack on me. And when I tell her how I feel she says I'm too sensitive and that she doesn't mean it like that. But like you say, it might just be her way to process/deal with it all. So how do I learn to listen without taking it personally? 

 

 

Thanks for the video and links, I'll look in to it later :)  

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3 hours ago, Tobbe said:

Yeah, sometimes it feels like everything she says is an attack on me. And when I tell her how I feel she says I'm too sensitive and that she doesn't mean it like that. But like you say, it might just be her way to process/deal with it all. So how do I learn to listen without taking it personally? 

 

The book I link goes into it in extensive detail. Essentially, YOU have to be the one to suck it up when you don't like how she is talking to you so that you can figure out what she is talking about. She's not trying to hurt you, she's trying to be heard. Now before you protest that it's unfair, there are things she'll be asked to do in the book that feel just as unfair to her in dealing with you. Even if she never reads the book, however, you learning to listen to her in a way that makes her feel heard will likely positively affect the way she talks to you without you ever having to ask her to change. It won't be right away, and you have to be willing to listen to her regardless of whether or not you "get anything" out of listening for her benefit, but it will help.

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5 hours ago, Tobbe said:

 Yeah, sometimes it feels like everything she says is an attack on me. And when I tell her how I feel she says I'm too sensitive and that she doesn't mean it like that. But like you say, it might just be her way to process/deal with it all. So how do I learn to listen without taking it personally? 

 

2 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

The book I link goes into it in extensive detail. Essentially, YOU have to be the one to suck it up when you don't like how she is talking to you so that you can figure out what she is talking about. She's not trying to hurt you, she's trying to be heard. 

 

Having been the wife who used to do this all the time (and sometimes still), I feel obligated to point out that we have a choice in how to tell our partner that they irritate us, fail to be supportive, hurt our feelings, and overall act like like they don't care or can be bothered to be there for us. If the hurt feelings and the underlying frustrations Jean described, are allowed to control the words, they are going to come out sounding a lot like, "You know what? Never mind. I don't know why I even bother talking to you, when you obviously don't care."

 

For a partner who does care, those words are of course quite hurtful, and he now has to fight the urge to defend himself against what he believes is an unfair and completely unfounded accusation. If he  loses that fight, the things he says in his defense will make the situation worse, because I am still dealing with my own hurt feelings and he's completely ignoring that to talk about himself, which of course proves to my anxiety-fueled and stress-controlled mind that he doesn't care.... And now we have a fight on our hands.

 

The trick to preventing the conversation from going in that negative direction is for both of us to stop and take control over the reflex emotional response and try hard to remember that this is my best friend sitting in front of me. My best friend would not actively try to hurt my feelings, so why is he acting/sounding like he is? And once I have control over my reaction and my words I can instead say, "Are you listening to me? Because it doesn't seem like you are.", which is less accusatory. It also gives him an opening to point out that he's in the middle of working on something important that he can't just drop, just because I started talking to him without even giving him a heads-up first.

 

Tank already said everything else I was going to suggest, so I will just add a small reminder that almost any relationship problem can be solved, if the people in the relationship are willing to work together towards that mutual goal. Talk to you wife about what you want to do, and make a plan together. And, again, good luck to you both. 

 

If marriage was easy, everyone would do it. :) 

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2 hours ago, Scalyfreak said:

Having been the wife who used to do this all the time (and sometimes still), I feel obligated to point out that we have a choice in how to tell our partner that they irritate us, fail to be supportive, hurt our feelings, and overall act like like they don't care or can be bothered to be there for us. If the hurt feelings and the underlying frustrations Jean described, are allowed to control the words, they are going to come out sounding a lot like, "You know what? Never mind. I don't know why I even bother talking to you, when you obviously don't care."

I agree, and did not mean to imply only a husband can fix the situation. What I meant was we can only control ourselves, so I focused on what is in Tobbe's control; his reactions.

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32 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I agree, and did not mean to imply only a husband can fix the situation. What I meant was we can only control ourselves, so I focused on what is in Tobbe's control; his reactions.

 

Of course. All we can do is control our own actions and hope the other person does the same. If they are not willing to put in that kind of effort, we have a very different, and much bigger, problem in our relationship. :) 

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19 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

There's a youtube video called "it's not about the nail" that illustrates this really well. It's satire, but for the purposes of this conversation try not to take the guy's side in the video: https://youtu.be/-4EDhdAHrOg

 

I watched the video, and wow, that's me in a nutshell. Sometimes (often?) I'd take it even further and harshly tell my wife to stop complaining. To never complain just for the sake of complaining. I'd tell her to fix the frickin problem instead of just complaining about it.

 

I'm 100% solution oriented. Every problem is ment to be fixed. And I will not stop trying different things until a solution is found. Sometimes I don't like the solution, but that's fine, as long as a solution has been found.

 

19 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Here's a helpful article about the video:
https://motivationandchange.com/no-really-not-nail/

 

Ahh, so it's not just me who see themselves in that video :)  And some good advice in the end of the article as well. Sweet! 

 

I wonder if I can just show the video, and the article to my wife. I wonder if she would "get it", like I feel I have done. What do you think?

 

19 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

And if you'd like a book I found helpful on the subject, here it is. Now it's a bit dated in it's examples, but the content is solid:
https://www.amazon.com/What-Mother-Couldnt-Father-Didnt/dp/0060171626

 

I've had a book on my bed side table that I've been meaning to read for well over half a year now :( So while I'd like to be a person that reads a lot of book, it seems like I'm actually not... I know someone who is though, and that's my wife :)  So if the time is right and the opportunity presents itself I might suggest it to her :) 

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44 minutes ago, Tobbe said:

I've had a book on my bed side table that I've been meaning to read for well over half a year now :( So while I'd like to be a person that reads a lot of book, it seems like I'm actually not... I know someone who is though, and that's my wife :)  So if the time is right and the opportunity presents itself I might suggest it to her :) 

Umm this might come across the wrong way. For one thing, it might sound like it's all her fault and therefore she need to read a book to fix her problems. Second, even if she's an avid reader, it's still her time. If you're not invested enough in reading the book, why should she? This is not about being a reader or not, this is about investing a few hours of your time to try to help with your relationship which deals with timespans of years and decades. Not saying that this would happen, just echoing Tank and Scaly in that it has to start from you and hopefully she'll meet you halfway. 

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15 hours ago, Scalyfreak said:

Having been the wife [...]

 

Thanks for sharing your personal story

 

15 hours ago, Scalyfreak said:

The trick to preventing the conversation from going in that negative direction is for both of us to stop and take control over the reflex emotional response

 

This reaffirms to me that my wife and I need to talk about this being a problem, and that we both need to consciously make an effort to better handle it.

 

17 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Essentially, YOU have to be the one to suck it up

 

Yes. If I know she's agreed to try to be nice I will have to always assume she is. If I don't perceive the situation like that I will not turn that against her, but instead try to just hear her out

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1 hour ago, Mad Hatter said:

Umm this might come across the wrong way. For one thing, it might sound like it's all her fault and therefore she need to read a book to fix her problems. Second, even if she's an avid reader, it's still her time. If you're not invested enough in reading the book, why should she? This is not about being a reader or not, this is about investing a few hours of your time to try to help with your relationship which deals with timespans of years and decades. Not saying that this would happen, just echoing Tank and Scaly in that it has to start from you and hopefully she'll meet you halfway. 

 

I wasn't just going to buy the book and shove it in her hands "Here, read this!". It's something I might suggest after we've both watched the short YouTube clip Tank linked, and read the accompanying article, and talked about it. After all that, if she has more questions I might suggest she reads the book.

 

If I buy the book and start reading it first, won't that possibly send weird signals? "Why do you read that book?" is not the question I imagined would start this whole conversation between my wife and I.

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Saturday

 

After breakfast we decided to walk to a beach further away from the hotel that I hadn't been to before. When we got there I saw this structure

 

20200215_100754.jpg.3b57984b1739a534f46984a8af852f69.jpg

 

I hope it's built for animals, but I'm not sure. There were no fencing and no animals around...

 

When we got down to the beach there was (I'm sure there's a good word for this, but I can't find it) a man made structure of stones straight out in the ocean that we wanted to explore. So we walked to the end of that, and took this photo

 

20200215_101611.jpg.1376cde3760d7dca953465fb5654bf52.jpg

 

After that we walked down the beach to find a nice place on the sand with shade to lay down in. We spent the AM swimming and playing on the beach. Because this beach is a bit more remote there were very few people there, which was nice :)  When it was time for lunch we walked back home again. As I was buying lunch I went in to this store that is managed by russians and next to all the cold drinks I find this unlabeled bottle of white stuff. They also had bowls of something that looked almost like cottage cheese. I was hoping the bottle was kefir, so I decided to buy it. It was five times the price of soda, but I was too curious to pass it up. 

 

20200215_140926.jpg.3a305624cf7790dfeccbfcb268c8e404.jpg

 

When I got home and tasted it I was not disappointed. Very tasty! Can't say I've actively missed my kefir or my sour milk, but now that I got to taste this it really reminded me of both those things, and I loved it :)  Still not sure if it's actually kefir or just something similar. It's milder than the kefir I make at home, and it had a hint of barn to the taste 👨‍🌾

 

After lunch my wife and I went for an hour long walk. Exploring new places. It was fun, and we had a great time :) 

 

In the evening we finished watching The Game Changers. Really makes you think... Now I need to find something that highlights the other side of the story, to get some kind of balance between the arguments.

 

 

Yoga

 

None :(  Skipped it, because I still haven't talked to my wife about how to do my yoga without upsetting her.

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Naah sorry mate, that still means you get away with only watching a YouTube video and leave the heavy work to her. Ideally you’d start this together, so that you have a common framework for how to communicate. If only she reads the book, then you won’t know what framework is. If she’s not open to doing it together yet, I see nothing wrong with admitting that you’ll be reading this book (or watch this video or read this article) to fix your own deficiency in communication skills, without blaming her if she doesn’t want to. If she doesn’t join you now, maybe she’ll notice changes in you that will encourage her later. Not saying this to single you out, most of us have deficiencies in communication skills (I’m garbage at relationship talk!). But communication is a two way street and even if it feels like it’s all her fault, it’s not, she just has a different, and equally flawed, way of communicating.

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1 hour ago, Mad Hatter said:

Naah sorry mate, that still means you get away with only watching a YouTube video and leave the heavy work to her.

 

Fine. But I don't agree that reading a book is "the heavy work". If it was, I would do it without hesitation. I'm pretty sure reading a book will pale in comparison to the actual work we both will have to do in trying to learn to communicate better, and then keep it up for the rest of our lives. And that's fine. If I want to make this work I realize a lot of work is needed.

 

1 hour ago, Mad Hatter said:

even if it feels like it’s all her fault, it’s not

 

It might feel like it at times, but I also know that it never is. I know it's both of us. Sometimes its mostly her, and sometimes it's mostly me, but it's never just one of us.

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I didn’t mean that reading a book the heaviest work, of course it’s not, far from. But then reading it shouldn’t be such a big deal for you either, even if you’re not a reader. ;) 
 

I don’t think it’s worth thinking about who’s fault it is and to what degree, but rather focus on how you can communicate better and how to facilitate the conversations better.

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On 2/15/2020 at 12:38 PM, Tobbe said:

She thought my breathing was too loud the night before when I was doing my yoga (fast mountain climbers synced with my breath).

Just buy her earplugs. 

Sorry, this just sounds too absurd to me...

 

2 hours ago, Tobbe said:

We spent the AM swimming and playing on the beach. Because this beach is a bit more remote there were very few people there, which was nice

It look so beautiful!

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The video was not for you to show her, but for the purpose of making the point that listening and support is more important than problem solving. In fact I recommend you not show her the video at all and simply try implementing the lessons from it. Your wife is not incapable of problem solving, her problem solving just happens in a different order than yours. In the video, the woman needs emotional support about how hard it is to have a nail in the forehead. Once she feels heard she can realize for herself she can pull out the nail. 

 

Now I'm not telling you not to be a problem solver. I'm suggesting you reframe your perception of "the problem." If the problem is needing to be heard, then the solution is listening. 

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2 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

I don’t think it’s worth thinking about who’s fault it is and to what degree, but rather focus on how you can communicate better and how to facilitate the conversations better.

 

This reminds me of something my parents told me more than once, I was just learning how to be married, many, many years ago. They said I can approach an argument with my husband with the goal of winning the argument and prove that I'm right, or I can approach it with the goal of finding a way to resolve the relationship problem and move on together as a couple, without caring about who is right and who is wrong. They also told me that the longer we stay married, the more those two goals become mutually exclusive. (Side note: I use to really suck at picking the right option of these two. Yay for therapy!) And they recently celebrated their 45th wedding anniversary, so I'm willing to assume they know what they're talking about. :) 

 

 

5 hours ago, Tobbe said:

When I got home and tasted it I was not disappointed. Very tasty! Can't say I've actively missed my kefir or my sour milk, but now that I got to taste this it really reminded me of both those things, and I loved it :)  Still not sure if it's actually kefir or just something similar. It's milder than the kefir I make at home, and it had a hint of barn to the taste 👨‍🌾

 

It's very difficult to describe the feeling of finding food or beverages that taste like home or childhood, when you're far away from both. It sounds like it was a happy reunion for you, and that makes it worth the high price tag. :) 

 

 

 

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Looks like you've got some pretty good advice from others about communication. I know that things go better for me when I communicate gently in a way that emphasises my feelings rather than the other person's guilt. When you accuse, people get defensive. It's totally normal. But when you say what you want and need, people who care for you will often leap to provide. I say things like "I feel really threatened when the topic of what I eat comes up too often. Can we drop this?" or I might even tell someone what I wanted them to say: "I don't actually need you to come up with solutions. Could you just say something like 'hmm, that sounds difficult'?" Everything is delivered with a gentle tone and expression, or even humour, unless I am very hurt, which is not often. 

I guess I learned to do this because I really hated confrontation and angry reactions, which maybe isn't the healthiest reason to do it, lol. But it works pretty well. Anyway, regardless of who you feel is at fault or who you think should take the first step or read the book or watch the video, you only have control over your own behaviour. So all you can do is try a radically different style of communication and see if your wife responds. If she doesn't, then you have to make a different choice. But it's worth a try.

 

You... you drank an unlabelled white mystery potion? Sounds like it could be the start of an interesting story... 

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10 hours ago, Scalyfreak said:

This reminds me of something my parents told me more than once

 

My parents have never given me any kind of relationship advice I don't think... But I also haven't asked for it, so no blame on them.

 

9 hours ago, Harriet said:

You... you drank an unlabelled white mystery potion? Sounds like it could be the start of an interesting story... 

 

Now when you put it like that it sounds like maybe not the best of ideas :P  But so far, so good :)  

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