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Aquarii

Aquarii: Identity Crisis

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Hey Adventurers! Long time, no see. I have been trekking with the Rangers for the last few challenges, but I thought with the 10th anniversary and everything, it was time to come back to my roots. 

 

It is apparently all the rage to recap the last [insert number] of years since joining NF, but I am just not that trendy, so I will suffice with: I joined NF about 3.5 years ago, joined the forums about 3 years ago, actually posted for the first time about 2.5 years ago, have been inconsistent at best since then, and have gone through all the aliases listed in the title. Yeah, 4 name changes/respawns in about 3 years. I think I have a problem. (but in reality, my birthday was last weekend which has me reflecting a lot on the last year, and the last few years even, so I might eventually do a recap at some point)

 

I am not really sure where I am taking this challenge yet. For the last few months of 2019, I was killing it at these challenges - I was more consistent and hitting more of my goals than ever before. And then the new year hit and I crashed HARD. Or rather my mental health did, and my goals followed suit. Awesome way to start the new year, lol. Anyway, I will edit this post later with some more concrete goals when I manage to get my act together.

 

In the mean time, HI, hello, how are you? If you are new, welcome! If I already know you, welcome back, good to see you again XD

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4 hours ago, Aquarii said:

it was time to come back to my roots. 

 

Welcome home! I know whatever you have planned will be awesome. 

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On 2/12/2020 at 8:38 PM, WolfDreamer said:

 

Welcome home! I know whatever you have planned will be awesome. 

 

Thanks for the welcome :) it is good to be back.

 

On 2/14/2020 at 9:42 AM, Jupiter said:

Following. You got this. :) 

 

Aww, thank you :)

 

On 2/16/2020 at 12:36 PM, Ann of Vries said:

Welcome back to the Adventurers! 

 

Thank you :) I loved your story in the mini challenge by the way. You have done some amazing stuff. Also, your child is adorable.

 

12 hours ago, fitnessgurl said:

Found you! Yayz!

 

Yes! You found me. I think you have only seen me in the Rangers, but this is my original stomping ground XD

 

 

 

So...goals. I am still struggling to come up with some concrete goals, and I ran into a painful roadblock - I have no idea what I did, aside from just light walking I have not been active in weeks - but I somehow managed to hurt my leg. I had started to notice a couple of twinges of pain here and there a week or two ago, but it was fine. But over the last couple days, it has become more and more not fine. When I got up this morning I could barely walk. I am icing it before I head into work. Most of the pain seems to be centralized on the upper outer side of the shin, just below the knee - but it is causing tension in my ankle and up behind my thigh and into my hip, probably because of limping and compensating. Again, I have no idea what happened, but I certainly doubt this is just going to go away overnight, so I am probably going to have to rethink the fitness goals I was putting together for this challenge.

 

On that note, anyone have recommendations for exercising with an injured leg? Crouching/squatting and walking is painful, but standing on it is fine, even putting my full weight on the injured leg is fine as long as my leg is straight.

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When you exercise with your leg does it hurt to bend even without weight on it? Is it better after resting it? If so, I'd rest that bad boy.

 

I lay down on the floor and do leg lifts. from the front, the side, and back. I find it strengthens the muscles around the knees and hips without putting any weight on them. It's boring, but effective!

 

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Alright, goals...if I keep putting this off, it just isn't going to ever happen. 

 

 

So, January was rough, and it resulted in a lot of insomnia, which has entirely messed up my sleep schedule. My first order of business is to work on getting that back on track, because waking up late is shifting my whole day later and often leaving me tired. For the last month, I have been sleeping in till probably 8:30, because I wouldn't get to sleep till maybe 1:30-2am. The past few days I have been managing to get to bed before midnight and up before 7:30, so I am going to continue to work on that trend.

 

I am going to put some tentative fitness goals. Might have to modify those as I go due to weather and this injury :( But that doesn't have to stop me from being active, just gotta be careful not to do more damage or get in the way of recovery.

 

Sleep schedule - getting back on track:

- Week 1: N/A

- Week 2: Be in bed by 11:30pm, wake up by 7:15am weekdays

- Week 3: Be in bed by 11:30pm, wake up by 7:00am weekdays

- Week 4: Be in bed by 11:00pm, wake up by 6:45am weekdays, up by 8am on weekends

- Week 5: Be in bed by 11:00pm, wake up by 6:30am weekdays, up by 8am on weekends

 

Fitness - getting back on track:

- Go for a 10-15 min walk at work 2x per day, weather and injury permitting

- Workout 3x per week (gym, yoga, and bodyweight training all count)

 

Reading - staying on track for 2020 goal of 36 books in the year:

- Complete 3 books this challenge

 

Self-care - staying on track

- Morning and evening skincare routine 

- Brushing teeth morning and evening

- Flossing each day

 

Creative/Life Goal

- Re-learn 2 octaves of scales and 3 octaves of arpeggios for all 12 major keys on piano - 3 keys per week

- At least 20min fun-only piano sessions 2x per week

- Practice singing 5x per week

- Guitar practice at least 2x per week

- Cross train with ukulele at least 2x per week

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4 hours ago, fitnessgurl said:

I had sleep issues for all of January too; so I get where you're coming from.

 

Same here. These are great goals! Good luck!

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On 3/4/2020 at 3:49 PM, fitnessgurl said:

Hey...*poke poke* you ok?

 

Awww, thank you for checking in. You are awesome. 

 

So, the good news is that my leg is almost fully recovered. The other good news is that I have been methodically working my wake-up schedule earlier and earlier. The bad news is that my anxiety and insomnia got like 10x worse and the rest of challenge went to sh*t, lol.

 

Ok, that is only half true. I have mostly been keeping up with my self-care routine, I have not been to the gym, but I have been getting 1-3 walks in at work depending on the weather, and I only need to finish one more book to hit my goal of three books. I haven't been tracking my creative stuff, but I do pull out the guitar or ukulele on occasion. So it hasn't been a complete derailing. Mostly just derailed in gym and creative stuff because apparently strenuous exercise or brain activity is difficult when you are entirely sleep deprived. Who knew? 

 

But no, honestly, the past few weeks have been rough. This week especially. I have tried all kinds of stuff to help cope with the anxiety in hopes of soothing the insomnia and depression it is inducing, and I am just not having a lot of luck with it. Which is just leaving me feeling very discouraged and hopeless as thing after thing seems to fail. And have I mentioned I am severely sleep deprived? 

 

The sleep deprivation is getting to the point where I will forget what I am doing halfway through the activity. Yesterday I was forgetting how to pronounce words. I get dizzy when I stand up. And I just don't really know what to do. My body is exhausted. My brain is exhausted. But it just doesn't want to shut off. I know it has to be related to the anxiety, as my chest and shoulders are constantly tight when I go to bed and my brain is just all over the place. 

 

But, I am not giving up. I am trying to work through this. Not really sure how the rest of this challenge will go. Right now I am just trying to get my mental and physical health back to a manageable place before anything else.

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I recommend a worry book. This is what I do:

 

i write down everything that bothers me. Worries, fears, things I dont want to forget, it doesnt matter if its rational, i just write it all in the bok and I dont  judge what I write, its “get it out of the brain and into the book.” Then i put the book away, close my eyes and focus on my breathing, my little ponies, and a wide open field in the mountains next to a lake and its filled with flowers, sunshine, and butterflies and If that doesnt work, I eat two melatonin gummies. 
 

but the worry book is nice because I say to myself when my brain acts up “thats in the book and I will look at it tomorrow.” And I usually do in the morning and can address all the things i wrote when I was tired and anxious and its not as bad after sleeping. 
 

and if you hate this idea, thats totally cool. Thats just you taking charge and saying “i dont wanna write in a damn book, Snarky!” Lol

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1 hour ago, Snarkyfishguts said:

I recommend a worry book. This is what I do:

 

i write down everything that bothers me. Worries, fears, things I dont want to forget, it doesnt matter if its rational, i just write it all in the bok and I dont  judge what I write, its “get it out of the brain and into the book.” Then i put the book away, close my eyes and focus on my breathing, my little ponies, and a wide open field in the mountains next to a lake and its filled with flowers, sunshine, and butterflies and If that doesnt work, I eat two melatonin gummies. 
 

but the worry book is nice because I say to myself when my brain acts up “thats in the book and I will look at it tomorrow.” And I usually do in the morning and can address all the things i wrote when I was tired and anxious and its not as bad after sleeping. 
 

and if you hate this idea, thats totally cool. Thats just you taking charge and saying “i dont wanna write in a damn book, Snarky!” Lol

 

Oh, I like this idea!

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On 3/9/2020 at 6:45 PM, Snarkyfishguts said:

and if you hate this idea, thats totally cool. Thats just you taking charge and saying “i dont wanna write in a damn book, Snarky!” Lol

 

I definitely don't hate the idea. I use to try and journal before bed to get everything out of my mind and onto the page. It didn't help much in terms of sleeping because it seemed to make my brain focus on it even more instead of allow it to let go. But, I have heard of that method and I think it is a great tool, especially if it works for you. At the moment, even that sounds really overwhelming to me. I am so mental and physically exhausted that everything just sounds impossible. I also don't feel like it is necessarily a problem of being fixated on something. Like my mind will race from one idea to the next when I am trying to sleep. I might even tell myself "this is no big deal, you can solve this in the morning" and let the thought go, and a few seconds later I am on to another thought. But there is always another thought, and another...and then it is like 2am, haha

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On 3/12/2020 at 10:14 PM, Aquarii said:

 

I definitely don't hate the idea. I use to try and journal before bed to get everything out of my mind and onto the page. It didn't help much in terms of sleeping because it seemed to make my brain focus on it even more instead of allow it to let go. But, I have heard of that method and I think it is a great tool, especially if it works for you. At the moment, even that sounds really overwhelming to me. I am so mental and physically exhausted that everything just sounds impossible. I also don't feel like it is necessarily a problem of being fixated on something. Like my mind will race from one idea to the next when I am trying to sleep. I might even tell myself "this is no big deal, you can solve this in the morning" and let the thought go, and a few seconds later I am on to another thought. But there is always another thought, and another...and then it is like 2am, haha

I understand. The last few days my worry journal has been absolutely useless. I really hope you can get a goodnight sleep soon

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On 3/14/2020 at 12:31 PM, Snarkyfishguts said:

I understand. The last few days my worry journal has been absolutely useless. I really hope you can get a goodnight sleep soon

 

Thanks. I do manage to catch up a little on the weekends, though at this point it feels like I am trying to put a band-aid over a bullet hole. Like I was able to get a regular night sleep last night, but not extra sleep. So I feel rested enough to kind of function normally again (aside from the fact that my memory and focus are still kinda shot, but at least I don't feel physically sick or dizzy or anything), but it isn't really enough to be fully caught up. 

 

 

I am sorry I have been so quiet this challenge and have been terrible about keeping up with everyone's pages. I really do appreciate all of your messages, encouragement, and suggestions. The past few months have just been pretty terrible in terms of mental health. Between the anxiety, depression, and sleep deprivation, it is honestly difficult to just maintain a train of thought and write about it. 

 

I don't really feel like there is even much to write about. I haven't really been doing anything out of the ordinary. My life is going fine at face value. I have just lost the desire to do anything. I go to work and I go to bed, and in between that I just kind of exist. I don't really enjoy or care about anything. 

 

But I am working on it. I am still trying to take steps to get out of this dark haze. 

 

 

 

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