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Mad Hatter

Mad Hatter sets it all on fire. Slowly. Part I.

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I’ve been trying to get these thoughts out of my head for weeks, months even, but as soon as I put them down on paper they sound awfully negative and embarrassingly dramatic. But with the 10 year anniversary challenge I feel it’s appropriate to spill it all out, so I poured myself a delicious chocolate stout, put on Pink Floyd, and now I will ramble. Feel free to skip it. 

 

Spoiler

In a nutshell, I’m bored and feel a deep need to set everything on fire. It seems to happen every few years. I tell myself that I’m happy and content until I outstay my welcome and need to turn something radically around. 

 

I’m bored of my job, my profession really, and the industry most of all. It’s a dead end. I’m decent enough at it, but the more senior I get the more of a fraud I feel. This is not imposter syndrome, this is because I don’t care. I don’t want to be the person that only works to cash a check, but that’s exactly what I’m doing. (To my credit, I also hang out a lot and bake cookies.) Tech can be an amazing thing, but right now it needs more humanity and that’s not the direction the industry’s heading toward.

 

I’m bored of Finland. I live in a gorgeous place and everything is so very easy here. As a colleague said, Finland is like living in a deep, squishy sofa, one that will trap you in its comforts. But while my colleague has embraced it, I resent it. Finland is a place where you settle, but I’m not there yet. Maybe I’ll never be. I look around at the content people around me, settling down, building families. It seems such a lovely, quiet, comfortable path. But one that’s closed for me. I can’t explain why. I’ve always pictured future me as the crazy hat lady, not the cozy grandma, despite believing that the latter is likely the happier way to go. 

 

I’m bored of myself, and my inability to change. Looking back at my first challenges 8 years ago, I’ve been through a number of things (travel, living in three different countries, changing career, relationship drama, countless mood swings, learning skills, learning life lessons, trying new things) and yet here I am spinning my wheels, stuck in inaction. Some of the things that haunted me then I’ve come to accept, but many are still haunting me now. Physically, I gained skills and strength and flexibility and lost it all again, to net approximately zero. There’s no point in beating myself up over past actions, but what if I’d only tried a little harder?

 

Many of you are well aware the I’m part hobbit. I do love trundling around my forest and pick berries, cozy up with books. But someone I briefly knew once called me a free spirit, a phrase which has stuck with me for many years. I felt it, yet I’ve seldom honored that part of me; it’s much easier to fall into the sofa. I don’t know how, but I feel it’s urgent and important to embrace that part of me, before it’s too late.

 

I really don’t mean to make it all sound negative. It’s not. I just read a wonderful short story by Ken Liu, State Change, and that’s what it feels like. I’m at the point between phase transitions where it seems like nothing is happening, when in fact it’s the preparation period before everything catches fire. It’s a little uncomfortable, and a little sad, but I trust it’s a positive change.

 

I don’t know what that the new phase will look like, but currently my very blurry plan of action, unless an opportunity or idea with more shape comes up, is to ditch everything and go traveling. I’m already planning a trip to Patagonia in December, November is a dreadful month anyway, might as well take an extended vacation. I hope that by venting all the poor reasons for why, I can finally start focusing on the exciting parts!

 

Tl;dr It's time to fuck off and take a break. 💃Also this poem:

 

Quote

Fair Weather (Dorothy Parker)

 

This level reach of blue is not my sea;
Here are sweet waters, pretty in the sun,
Whose quiet ripples meet obediently
A marked and measured line, one after one.
This is no sea of mine. that humbly laves
Untroubled sands, spread glittering and warm.
I have a need of wilder, crueler waves;
They sicken of the calm, who knew the storm.

So let a love beat over me again,
Loosing its million desperate breakers wide;
Sudden and terrible to rise and wane;
Roaring the heavens apart; a reckless tide
That casts upon the heart, as it recedes,
Splinters and spars and dripping, salty weeds.

 

As for this challenge, my plan is to 

 

Keep drawing

Keep flipping

Make time

Do it because I love it

Buy pants

Write?

 

And thank you all for being here, it's been amazing having you by my side! ❤️

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giphy.gif

 

I understand those feelings especially about the inhumanity of tech right now. 

 

Also, I'm here to witness the Epic Saga of Pants Buying. Few journeys are as perilous as buying pants. 

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1 hour ago, Mad Hatter said:

they sound awfully negative and embarrassingly dramatic

 

My assessment, if you care for it (after all, this is something you FEEL and it's valid nonetheless): Either you've censored out a WHOLE LOT or you're being overly critical of yourself.

 

I don't find it sounding negative. It's understandable, you explained it very well.

 

And yeah, settling in the sofa is much easier. :D I'm somewhere in the middle. Glad there are people like you that listen to that drive to flip the script entirely so my more risk-averse side can take notes on how it's sometimes totally okay to do that. And the biggest risk IS not carping the diem when you can. As long as you listen to your gut and know that "the sofa is right there if you ever want it again". It's not going anywhere. Plenty of sofa-loving people that are keeping it well tended to. I'm rambling now as well. 

 

Following for what you call the settling of your "embarrassing" rambles, taking notes, and enjoying the sketches. 

 

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I can relate. I am older (duh), fatter and weaker than I was when I came to NF.

 

I'm doing my own version of setting everything on fire, so I'll be here for some solidarity on that realm. (as if I wouldn't be here anyway, but still)

 

8201663_f2481.jpg

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With those thoughts going through your head it's really no wonder you've been tired! Love that you wrote them down. And f*ck yea, set things on fire! It's not entirely surprising, and it's definitely not a bad thing :) 

 

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If it's time to move on, it's time to move on, there's nothing wrong with that. Not everyone is meant to settle down, some of us are nomads, and that's as equally valid as being settled. The problem is not you, it's the unsatisfying circumstances in which you find yourself.

 

Also, if you do choose to relocate, I wish to point out the excellent barbecue and breakfast taco selection Texas offers.

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As I remember, the move to Finland was only meant to be a temporary stop. And for careers,  that's something you've been wrestling with awhile. Maybe it's time to sit back and dream about where you would like to go and what you  would like to do. Here to support you.

 

As for  the feeling like you have arrived at net zero after these years. I disagree. You figured out that classes are a great way to motivate yourself, and you've stuck with your classes and learned a bunch. I get what you are saying though. I've struggled a bit with feeling that way myself .I think we set ourselves up with these expectations, and then feel disappointed when we can't measure up. What if , for most of us anyway, improving ourselves is really just a very slow process, and we never achieve great success with it, but rather just come out a little better than we were before? Is that enough?

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Here to hang out

 

And excited to hear more about where your life takes you. And especially your travel plans when that times come

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11 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:
Spoiler

I look around at the content people around me, settling down, building families. It seems such a lovely, quiet, comfortable path. But one that’s closed for me. I can’t explain why. I’ve always pictured future me as the crazy hat lady, not the cozy grandma, despite believing that the latter is likely the happier way to go. 

 

 

Spoiler

Why? Who says the quiet comfort is the only thing that leads to happiness? They are liars, all of them, and not to be trusted! 😡

 

On a more serious note, I'm sorry to hear you're frustrated and unhappy. My opinion is you should figure out why and then take steps to change things so you become frustrated and unhappy no longer, but I am well aware that is easier said than done. I have faith in you though. You'll figure this out. :) 

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7 hours ago, Elastigirl said:

As for  the feeling like you have arrived at net zero after these years. I disagree.

 

+1. And accumulated experience doesn't always make sense immediately.

I'm not even sure about trying harder. In fact, the inertia of boredom might be a much more powerful trigger?

It makes me think of a speech by a French poet in the early 60s (style might come out as a bit dated but still). Maybe it's a slight digression, the text is more about poetry, but aren't poets free spirits too

 

Spoiler

https://www.nobelprize.org/prizes/literature/1960/perse/speech/

The tragedy lies not in metamorphosis as such.

...

Inertia is the only menace. 

 

// to sum it up very badly out of context

 

 

 

10 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

I’m at the point between phase transitions where it seems like nothing is happening
It’s a little uncomfortable, and a little sad, but I trust it’s a positive change.

 

Sounds like a press to handstand programme :D sorry 😛

Sometimes fighting it with raw strength, trying harder and harder does not work, there is a little mix of technique and handy synchronization to make it through. I still have no clue that said :D

 

I do know it's hard to feel that sort of huge inner life wave and not quite know how to shape it yet. But you know it's there, feel that energy and want to ride with it.

It will spring out at some point. Even if feels like it's taking ages because of dampening forces resisting that desire. When the cogs start moving, it won't feel like you need to try hard at all I think. But it can take a bit of time to figure out that combination of cogs that will get it moving...  and sometimes it's just life throwing something at us and boom. Watch out :)

 

 

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22 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

 

  Reveal hidden contents

In a nutshell, I’m bored and feel a deep need to set everything on fire. It seems to happen every few years. I tell myself that I’m happy and content until I outstay my welcome and need to turn something radically around. 

 

I’m bored of my job, my profession really, and the industry most of all. It’s a dead end. I’m decent enough at it, but the more senior I get the more of a fraud I feel. This is not imposter syndrome, this is because I don’t care. I don’t want to be the person that only works to cash a check, but that’s exactly what I’m doing. (To my credit, I also hang out a lot and bake cookies.) Tech can be an amazing thing, but right now it needs more humanity and that’s not the direction the industry’s heading toward.

 

I’m bored of Finland. I live in a gorgeous place and everything is so very easy here. As a colleague said, Finland is like living in a deep, squishy sofa, one that will trap you in its comforts. But while my colleague has embraced it, I resent it. Finland is a place where you settle, but I’m not there yet. Maybe I’ll never be. I look around at the content people around me, settling down, building families. It seems such a lovely, quiet, comfortable path. But one that’s closed for me. I can’t explain why. I’ve always pictured future me as the crazy hat lady, not the cozy grandma, despite believing that the latter is likely the happier way to go. 

 

I’m bored of myself, and my inability to change. Looking back at my first challenges 8 years ago, I’ve been through a number of things (travel, living in three different countries, changing career, relationship drama, countless mood swings, learning skills, learning life lessons, trying new things) and yet here I am spinning my wheels, stuck in inaction. Some of the things that haunted me then I’ve come to accept, but many are still haunting me now. Physically, I gained skills and strength and flexibility and lost it all again, to net approximately zero. There’s no point in beating myself up over past actions, but what if I’d only tried a little harder?

 

Many of you are well aware the I’m part hobbit. I do love trundling around my forest and pick berries, cozy up with books. But someone I briefly knew once called me a free spirit, a phrase which has stuck with me for many years. I felt it, yet I’ve seldom honored that part of me; it’s much easier to fall into the sofa. I don’t know how, but I feel it’s urgent and important to embrace that part of me, before it’s too late.

 

I really don’t mean to make it all sound negative. It’s not. I just read a wonderful short story by Ken Liu, State Change, and that’s what it feels like. I’m at the point between phase transitions where it seems like nothing is happening, when in fact it’s the preparation period before everything catches fire. It’s a little uncomfortable, and a little sad, but I trust it’s a positive change.

 

I don’t know what that the new phase will look like, but currently my very blurry plan of action, unless an opportunity or idea with more shape comes up, is to ditch everything and go traveling. I’m already planning a trip to Patagonia in December, November is a dreadful month anyway, might as well take an extended vacation. I hope that by venting all the poor reasons for why, I can finally start focusing on the exciting parts!

 

Tl;dr It's time to fuck off and take a break. 💃Also this poem:

I have no solutions or suggestions for you, but I do know EXACTLY how you feel. DMs are always open if you need to rant/spitball ideas. I've done a fair bit of travel/relocation/changing careers myself.

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After all this time and I still keep being amazed by you lovely people and the incredible support you provide. ❤️ This place really is something special. Thank you all so much.

 

I’ll get back to you tomorrow when I have time to process it all, in the meantime I just want to say that just getting that out into the open made me feel so much better. Today I decided to follow in the spirit of @Harriet and not get sucked into the black hole, aka the Internet, and instead fill my time with things I actually wanted to do rather than what seemed most comfortable in the moment.

 

I read.

 

I did handstands - my balance is coming back, which I’m super happy about! Or is it that my shoulders are getting stronger from the press work in class and I can push more consistently? 🤔 Either way I’m happy, I got some nice long holds, and even a few moments where my hips felt completely solid.

 

I did backbends - my bridge is coming back too, it’s still not good and it takes a while to warm

up, but it doesn’t look like a table anymore. 

 

I went for a long walk in the forest despite rain and wind and it was beautiful.

 

I danced.


And I did Figuary drawings, in two “sets”.

 

I’m going to call that a good day.
 

Spoiler

I had an awful start where my hand wouldn’t obey and everything turned out wrong and ugly. It didn’t help that I find this model particularly tricky to draw as he’s quite lean and also older so there’s a lot of detail to filter out. But instead of waiting for a better day, I decided to copy the person in the video, stroke by stroke, which was a very interesting exercise. And the second drawing was way better.

 

C6459673-84E9-46EC-A9B7-6F6825C793EE.jpeg.8fdc9e8fc9829116303dd8f8d197225c.jpeg
 

7EADF8D9-9D77-44B9-A133-A3B9D32EFBD2.jpeg.35f367324da6348a19873f0c159a57ad.jpeg

 

81BCC853-4511-4B51-A9A4-B6882C74613C.jpeg.a46b2c858105f86f006658aee265e13b.jpeg

This is my not so successful attempt of that same style in a different pose, but I spent too long and overworked it, plus there’s a bunch of mistakes. But still.

 

Later on I played with graphite in longer drawings. I still haven’t figured out how to best use it, (and how not to constantly smudge it!) but it went better than last time. 

 

2584F2BA-229E-4F7D-99DC-AEFD1D4630D7.jpeg.fc66855c29566d615bad2072f4c0844d.jpeg
 

16AD353F-5EB0-42BF-9DB4-AC129591FBF1.jpeg.72cfde7a812ac07b616fcc37614fd258.jpeg

 

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4 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

I went for a long walk in the forest despite rain and wind and it was beautiful.

 

I danced.


And I did Figuary drawings, in two “sets”.

 

  Reveal hidden contents

I had an awful start where my hand wouldn’t obey and everything turned out wrong and ugly. It didn’t help that I find this model particularly tricky to draw as he’s quite lean and also older so there’s a lot of detail to filter out. But instead of waiting for a better day, I decided to copy the person in the video, stroke by stroke, which was a very interesting exercise. And the second drawing was way better.

 

C6459673-84E9-46EC-A9B7-6F6825C793EE.jpeg.8fdc9e8fc9829116303dd8f8d197225c.jpeg
 

7EADF8D9-9D77-44B9-A133-A3B9D32EFBD2.jpeg.35f367324da6348a19873f0c159a57ad.jpeg

 

81BCC853-4511-4B51-A9A4-B6882C74613C.jpeg.a46b2c858105f86f006658aee265e13b.jpeg

This is my not so successful attempt of that same style in a different pose, but I spent too long and overworked it, plus there’s a bunch of mistakes. But still.

 

Later on I played with graphite in longer drawings. I still haven’t figured out how to best use it, (and how not to constantly smudge it!) but it went better than last time. 

 

2584F2BA-229E-4F7D-99DC-AEFD1D4630D7.jpeg.fc66855c29566d615bad2072f4c0844d.jpeg
 

16AD353F-5EB0-42BF-9DB4-AC129591FBF1.jpeg.72cfde7a812ac07b616fcc37614fd258.jpeg

 


Sounds like a good day :) I also had trouble with the man, because some of his poses were straight up and down, and I didn't know what landmarks to go for. I think you did a good job on the charcoal ladies--you've captured the big shapes and shadows that characterise the forms and gestures with simplicity and without hesitation. Nice job!  

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12 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

I got some nice long holds, and even a few moments where my hips felt completely solid.

 

Woot woot

 

12 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

I went for a long walk in the forest despite rain and wind and it was beautiful.

 

Those are so often the most beautiful and it fits so well to the poem you placed right in the beginning. Happiness does not have to coincide with comfort and you are a wild thing after all :)❤️ 

 

12 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

I danced.


And I did Figuary drawings, in two “sets”.

 

You rock!

 

12 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

I’m going to call that a good day.

 

Seconded

 

Oh and just for formality's sake: Following wherever it may take you 🤗

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20 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

I went for a long walk in the forest despite rain and wind and it was beautiful.

 

I danced.

 

In the rain?

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Following for the fire! I think that you have realized that you have these thoughts and are looking to act on them is huge and amazing and inspirational. I should probably examine what it means about my own headspace in how much I identify with this challenge :) 

 

giphy.gif?cid=790b7611a65ca4176fc116fe55

 

Also, why are pants so hard? I only purchase them approximately once a year in an action of desperation, it's never something I do for the fun of it.

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On 2/14/2020 at 10:35 PM, starsapart said:

Here to support you, wherever the journey ends up taking you!

Thank you lovely!

 

On 2/14/2020 at 10:42 PM, bigm141414 said:

giphy.gif

 

I understand those feelings especially about the inhumanity of tech right now. 

 

Also, I'm here to witness the Epic Saga of Pants Buying. Few journeys are as perilous as buying pants. 

I feel like the only vaguely interesting work is done in medtech, but I've already done that...

 

This is going to be epic indeed. I have way more gym clothing than regular clothing, and even that is falling apart. That's when I know my procrastination has gone too far.

 

On 2/14/2020 at 11:16 PM, analoggirl said:

 

My assessment, if you care for it (after all, this is something you FEEL and it's valid nonetheless): Either you've censored out a WHOLE LOT or you're being overly critical of yourself.

 

I don't find it sounding negative. It's understandable, you explained it very well.

 

And yeah, settling in the sofa is much easier. :D I'm somewhere in the middle. Glad there are people like you that listen to that drive to flip the script entirely so my more risk-averse side can take notes on how it's sometimes totally okay to do that. And the biggest risk IS not carping the diem when you can. As long as you listen to your gut and know that "the sofa is right there if you ever want it again". It's not going anywhere. Plenty of sofa-loving people that are keeping it well tended to. I'm rambling now as well. 

 

Following for what you call the settling of your "embarrassing" rambles, taking notes, and enjoying the sketches. 

 

I'm glad it didn't come across as overly negative! Because while I'm unhappy about those things, I'm not unhappy with my daily existence! I have my training and my classes and my friends. Even if my job is stupid, I have close friends there and I have fun and I have a lot of freedom as everyone trusts me to do a good job, which I do, even when I'm dicking around baking cookies. 

On the other hand, if there weren't so many good things it'd be easier to get out of the sofa. :) 

 

Yes exactly, I can always return!

 

Awesome, I'm very glad.

 

On 2/14/2020 at 11:28 PM, sylph said:

I can relate. I am older (duh), fatter and weaker than I was when I came to NF.

 

I'm doing my own version of setting everything on fire, so I'll be here for some solidarity on that realm. (as if I wouldn't be here anyway, but still)

 

8201663_f2481.jpg

You're doing great in the fire setting department. Sometimes it just takes a little time.

 

On 2/14/2020 at 11:34 PM, KB Girl said:

With those thoughts going through your head it's really no wonder you've been tired! Love that you wrote them down. And f*ck yea, set things on fire! It's not entirely surprising, and it's definitely not a bad thing :) 

Not knowing does sap quite a bit of energy, it's much easier once the ball is in motion.

Heh what do you mean not surprising? Here I thought I came across as a well adjusted, settled in adult with all my shit together. ;) 

 

On 2/14/2020 at 11:51 PM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

If it's time to move on, it's time to move on, there's nothing wrong with that. Not everyone is meant to settle down, some of us are nomads, and that's as equally valid as being settled. The problem is not you, it's the unsatisfying circumstances in which you find yourself.

 

Also, if you do choose to relocate, I wish to point out the excellent barbecue and breakfast taco selection Texas offers.

Thank you. I do feel it's a little bit me, because up until now I've always counted on serendipity for something exciting, or at least different, to pop up in my life. It's worked many times before, but there seems to be a drought in that department and this time I think that I have to set something in motion myself.

 

Noted! I'm not sure about relocation (you kinda need a job for that) but if they'll still let me in the country after my trip to Iran I'd be thrilled to visit at some point.

 

On 2/15/2020 at 12:57 AM, Elastigirl said:

As I remember, the move to Finland was only meant to be a temporary stop. And for careers,  that's something you've been wrestling with awhile. Maybe it's time to sit back and dream about where you would like to go and what you  would like to do. Here to support you.

 

As for  the feeling like you have arrived at net zero after these years. I disagree. You figured out that classes are a great way to motivate yourself, and you've stuck with your classes and learned a bunch. I get what you are saying though. I've struggled a bit with feeling that way myself .I think we set ourselves up with these expectations, and then feel disappointed when we can't measure up. What if , for most of us anyway, improving ourselves is really just a very slow process, and we never achieve great success with it, but rather just come out a little better than we were before? Is that enough?

That's a good point that it was supposed to be temporary. I think that on occasion I got sucked into other people's mentality. 

 

The career stuff is tough, I don't really have any skills outside of what I do now. If I had a clear idea about what I wanted to do I'd happily explore my options, but I've got nothing...

 

Most of the time it's enough. But I won't deny that sometimes I want more. I'm only human. :D 

I don't really believe that it's net zero progress. Well, if you look at my challenges it kinda is. 

For example I've had a pull-up goal countless times. But I can still only do more or less the same number as when I started. But I've always focused more on the skill aspect of my activities, and seen strength as a side effect. So of course they'll come and go depending on what my training focus is.

I've also lost a lot of flexibility. But I've consciously made the decision not to train it, unless I'm ready to do the boring work my body needs to support that flexibility. 

The biggest thing I've learned, besides a whole bunch of random skills, is that I can learn even as an adult, and that the more I expose myself to a variety of activities the more I can connect the dots, learn faster, and build confidence in my body. Which I think is huge. Many people don't ever experience that when they only train one thing in the gym (which is also awesome - as long as you love it!) And even if I lose skills, it doesn't take long to regain them.

 

On 2/15/2020 at 3:50 AM, Harriet said:

giphy.gif?cid=790b7611c9ceb7420a9f94494b

 

Do it! What is IT? I don't know! But I hope you incinerate some things, boldly. 

I don't know either, but I hope the bonfire will be HYOUGE!

 

On 2/15/2020 at 4:15 AM, Tobbe said:

Here to hang out

 

And excited to hear more about where your life takes you. And especially your travel plans when that times come

Awesome! The only fixed thing is Patagonia, so I might as well explore other parts of South America. Other than that I've no idea!

 

On 2/15/2020 at 5:37 AM, WhiteGhost said:

You know, if you are looking for REAL adventure, I can suggest a perfect location ;) 

Haha I don't know what I want, but I'm preeetty sure it doesn't involve a zombie apocalypse. Then again who knows what will happen.

 

On 2/15/2020 at 9:39 AM, Scalyfreak said:

 

  Reveal hidden contents

Why? Who says the quiet comfort is the only thing that leads to happiness? They are liars, all of them, and not to be trusted! 😡

 

On a more serious note, I'm sorry to hear you're frustrated and unhappy. My opinion is you should figure out why and then take steps to change things so you become frustrated and unhappy no longer, but I am well aware that is easier said than done. I have faith in you though. You'll figure this out. :) 

My hobbit side think comfort equals happiness. My rebel side thinks my hobbit side is telling itself lies. ;) 

 

MUCH easier said than done. :) I have a fair idea of why, but no ideas on how to solve it.

 

Thank you.

 

On 2/15/2020 at 10:13 AM, @mu said:

 

 

+1. And accumulated experience doesn't always make sense immediately.

I'm not even sure about trying harder. In fact, the inertia of boredom might be a much more powerful trigger?

It makes me think of a speech by a French poet in the early 60s (style might come out as a bit dated but still). Maybe it's a slight digression, the text is more about poetry, but aren't poets free spirits too

 

  Reveal hidden contents

https://www.nobelprize.org/prizes/literature/1960/perse/speech/

The tragedy lies not in metamorphosis as such.

...

Inertia is the only menace. 

 

// to sum it up very badly out of context

 

 

 

 

Sounds like a press to handstand programme :D sorry 😛

Sometimes fighting it with raw strength, trying harder and harder does not work, there is a little mix of technique and handy synchronization to make it through. I still have no clue that said :D

 

I do know it's hard to feel that sort of huge inner life wave and not quite know how to shape it yet. But you know it's there, feel that energy and want to ride with it.

It will spring out at some point. Even if feels like it's taking ages because of dampening forces resisting that desire. When the cogs start moving, it won't feel like you need to try hard at all I think. But it can take a bit of time to figure out that combination of cogs that will get it moving...  and sometimes it's just life throwing something at us and boom. Watch out :)

 

 

I don't think that trying harder is the right thing for most people. But I think that maybe I should try to fight the inertia a little harder, when I'm able to. I've come to accept that there are periods where I'm simply not capable of trying, and I'm no longer beating myself up in those times. That you all have helped me a lot with, through constant annoying reminders of being kind to myself. :P But sometimes the inertia stays for a little too long and becomes a habit. I do agree that boredom can be very powerful. The difficulty is in channeling it into something positive as opposed to letting it dissipate into avoidance or sadness or anxiety.

 

Haha at this point press to handstand doesn't even fit in the phase transition chart, it's black magic. I don't understand how one can push so hard and yet nothing happens. It's like moving a rock. :D 

 

I hope that will happen! It usually does. It seems a bit more slow moving and sticky this time, but I've at least given myself a deadline now to set something in motion, even if it's not the right thing.

 

On 2/15/2020 at 6:53 PM, Defining said:

I have no solutions or suggestions for you, but I do know EXACTLY how you feel. DMs are always open if you need to rant/spitball ideas. I've done a fair bit of travel/relocation/changing careers myself.

Thank you, I can't tell how much I appreciate it. I might take you up on the offer when I have more than this shapeless cloud. :) 

 

On 2/15/2020 at 7:14 PM, annyshay said:

I feel you, Hats. We're here with you!

Thanks ❤️

 

22 hours ago, zenLara said:

Here to witness that.

Life crisis be damned, buying pants is SO MUCH WORSE. :D 

 

9 hours ago, lucky fire dragon said:

Happiness does not have to coincide with comfort and you are a wild thing after all :)❤️ 

Part of me at least. :) Glad you're back!

 

1 hour ago, Scalyfreak said:

In the rain?

I do love to dance in the rain, but more of a nice summer rain. This rain was of the face hurting variety.

 

1 hour ago, Suzaqu said:

Following for the fire! I think that you have realized that you have these thoughts and are looking to act on them is huge and amazing and inspirational. I should probably examine what it means about my own headspace in how much I identify with this challenge :) 

 

giphy.gif?cid=790b7611a65ca4176fc116fe55

 

Also, why are pants so hard? I only purchase them approximately once a year in an action of desperation, it's never something I do for the fun of it.

It might take a while to gather kindling, but I'm ready for it all to burn. :D 

 

Because pants are evil.

 

Screen-Shot-2018-03-13-at-2.58.06-PM-300

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2 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

For example I've had a pull-up goal countless times. But I can still only do more or less the same number as when I started. But I've always focused more on the skill aspect of my activities, and seen strength as a side effect. So of course they'll come and go depending on what my training focus is.

I've also lost a lot of flexibility. But I've consciously made the decision not to train it, unless I'm ready to do the boring work my body needs to support that flexibility. 

The biggest thing I've learned, besides a whole bunch of random skills, is that I can learn even as an adult, and that the more I expose myself to a variety of activities the more I can connect the dots, learn faster, and build confidence in my body. Which I think is huge. Many people don't ever experience that when they only train one thing in the gym (which is also awesome - as long as you love it!) And even if I lose skills, it doesn't take long to regain them.

 

I've been stuck at 2 pullups for 6 years now.😃I think the point about connect the dots factor is huge. I hadn't thought of that, but I would say the same for myself.

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10 hours ago, Elastigirl said:

I've been stuck at 2 pullups for 6 years now.😃I think the point about connect the dots factor is huge. I hadn't thought of that, but I would say the same for myself.

But you can do them and that’s cool! The number itself is such a narrow metric.

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Yesterday felt like having a lazy ass Sunday so that’s exactly what I did. I finished the short story collection by Ken Liu and it is such a lovely read with some beautiful passages. I particularly liked his more sciency ones, which is not something I often say.

 

I meant to go climbing, but it turned out that I forgot my climbing shoes in a different gym last week. 😭 I could’ve rented, but rental shoes suck and my shoulders were tired and clunky so I went to the gym with the intention to do some shoulder maintenance, instead of risking to hurt it more and to hang out with friends. I did mostly the latter. 😛

 

I did do my Figuary sketches, but it was a token effort as it had gotten late (damn book!) But I’m happy I’m building the habit. 🙂

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