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The Shogun

The Shogun's Journey: Acta Non Verba

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1 minute ago, The Shogun said:

SIFU!!!!!! I've been listening to you while I cook breakfast. Just last week I was listening the one with the holidays.

 

❤️ Season 2 is where it's at my love! I've been re-listening because we really need to get back into the swing of things. Hope you're enjoying it and here for you for anything you may need!

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21 hours ago, RisenPhoenix said:

Hm. 
 

I miss harassing you via text. 

Hm... just channeling your inner Geralt?

 

I miss harassing you via text, too... It almost makes me want to buy an iPhone again. 

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Deep breath

 

Okay, let’s do this.

 

Wait... if you're gonna be here a while, at least let me give you something to listen to while you're reading.

 

I've been listening some lo-fi chillout Naruto / Zelda soundtrack remixes lately. I like this one. 
 

 

Previously, on The Shogun’s Journey...

 

Spoiler
 
 
 
 
 
18
 Advanced issues found
 
4
Spoiler

 

For a long time, looking back at my time in the rebellion has mostly been an uncomfortable experience. I guess that’s the whole principle behind the theme of this challenge. But I’ll get back to that later.

 

I joined Nerd Fitness on June 26, 2011. That's more than 8 years ago. At that time, I believe I was looking for video game soundtracks to listen to while I trained and I discovered Steve’s articles connecting video games and workouts. Two things that, until that point, were exact opposites in my mind.

 

I remember doing one of the first challenges. There were not even guilds, people just got sorted out in sort of RPG parties. My first challenge was absolutely out of touch with reality. I think I have taken for granted everything doing these challenges have taught me, from setting goals to be confident in own decisions, even if they sound insane to other people.

 

To this date, I still keep in touch with a couple of people from that original party. And I’m thankful and glad I can call them my friends, even if they're not part of this community anymore. And that, I believe, it’s the most valuable thing I’ve gotten from Nerd Fitness. (That and The Dresden Files). Connecting to a group of inspiring, heroic, people who constantly strive to be better and who motivate me in one way or another to do so. And that’s something that goes beyond this forum. I get to see these people do this in their lives, too.

 

At a certain point, we decided to connect on social media, and I’ve seen them not only deal with divorces, moving, new partners, mental issues, but also becoming new parents, raising their kids, getting new jobs or promotions. And I feel very lucky and fortunate I've been there to see them deal with those things. It’s those little things, like Gandalf say, that keep the darkness at bay. These people have not only literally saved my life but taught me that there are no limits to what you can do when you set your mind to, and that I’m actually valuable and worthy.

 

When NF started Guilds, they made the announcement they were looking for Guild Leaders. I was just training Bujinkan Budo Taijutsu back then, not even close to a black belt or anything like that, but I said the wisest thing I always say before taking a decision: fuck it! And went for it, 100% sure that I wouldn’t get it. The fact that I got it was one helluva bitchslap life lesson for me. Since then, even if I’m scared of trying out something new, even if I’m 100% sure I’m not getting it, I say to myself “fuck it!” and do it anyways.

 

That’s how I’ve gotten most of my best jobs, to be honest.

 

Since then, I like to think the only good thing I made for the guild was nominating Kishi to be a second guild leader. But I know that’s BS, I usually have a hard time remembering. I think we encouraged several monks create their own video games martial arts combo and share them in video in here once... that was fun.  

 

Yet, at a certain point, I was handling with just too much. I resisted. I still tried to do EVERYTHING. Quitting was not an option and I had to keep going, trying over and over again, even if it means that I was getting in my own way because it was simply physically impossible to deal with everything I’ve been dealing for a long time. Cultivating healthy habits, having a healthy relationship with food and staying active can be difficult enough without adding a MASSIVE epic quest on top of it.

 

And after a while, there was no other option for me than to letting go, set everything aside for a while and focus on surviving the storm. For the past couple of years, I’ve focused entirely on one goal and one goal only. I’ve suffered defeat after defeat, dealt with crime, extorsion, abandonment, loneliness, feelings of inadequacy, countless humiliations... and even now that I’ve done everything in my power and I’m the closest that I’ve ever been to accomplish it, I'm scared to death. I feel I'm strongest than ever, wired to thrive on dysfunction, but I'm also dealing with a crippling anxiety disorder, claustrophobic panic attacks and possibly a lurking depression that's got me mourning all the time. That's the way my charismatic subconscious self is telling me to handle those things that I've set aside for the sake of focusing on only one thing. Teenage goth me is feeling so accomplished.  

 

One must imagine Sisyphus happy.

 

Oh, yes... people usually shut up and get a whole new perspective about their life when I do talk about what’s been going on in mine. That's why I don't particularly enjoy doing so. They start saying how they care so much about the small stuff and how lucky they are and how their problems are not that bad, etc. It makes me feel more embarrassed, like I've taken their right to b*tch and moan or that I'm some sort of super Saiyan that can handle problems effortlessly. Sometimes, listening to someone complain about their problems makes me feel glad there's some part of the world where people only need to worry about.... well, what makes life interesting, I think.

 

I don’t actually think any of my problems diminish others people's. Everyone’s fighting their own battle.

 

I’m glad my experience can help and inspire others, at least.

 

This community also helped me found a career. When I started on NF, I was an inexperienced teacher who liked to write from time to time and dreamed of starting a blog. Now, I’m a full-time editor in a digital marketing agency who’s constantly teaching other ESL speakers how to write in a language that’s not even his mother tongue. And who did you think helped me getting started and helped me believed it was possible? You guys, of course. 

 

(Don’t judge my writing based on this, please. At this point, onion ninjas have blurred my vision with their hidden onion cutting jutsu) 

 

With so much admiration in the line, every challenge became an uncomfortable shameful experience for me, claiming to do something and failing at it because there was simply too much chaos and uncertainty around for me to handle was getting embarrassing. And that shame isn’t as motivational as you’d think. (Most) people don’t really care about your goals, so there’s really no stick or carrot. There’s only the shame of having failed to people you value and admire and to yourself, again. Challenges were no longer working for me.

 

That’s why I decided that if I was to come back, I had to use an entirely different approach.
 

 

Hence, acta non verba. Deeds, not words.

 

Now, I am very good at that. If I can record without judgment, of course.

 

Instead of just proclaiming what I will possibly awkwardly try to do in the following weeks. I’ll just share what I am actually doing and have been doing for the past couple of months, and you’ll get a sense of what  I’m doing in terms of staying active, cultivating healthy habits and taking care of my mental health. That’s it, I’m not pursuing any goals other than practicing self-care (does it sound masturbatory if I say self-love? It does) almost every day in whatever way I can and without judgment, while I wait.

 

Spoiler


I just wanted to end this particularly long and intimate update with the most profound gratitude to you for being one small but most significant part of my life.

 

I love you, guys.

 

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2/17/2020

 

Goal 1:

photo_2020-02-17_23-09-02.jpg

 

 

Goal 2: 

photo_2020-02-17_20-53-13.jpgphoto_2020-02-17_20-53-12.jpg

 

Goal 3: ???????????????????????????? 

 

Goal 4: See a couple hours of journaling/self-reflecting/facing my emotions exercise above.

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Welcome back!

 

I think you are wise to record your accomplishments rather than setting goals. Every step forward is progress. Concentrate on what you can do rather than what you wish you could do. We are here to cheer you on.

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Hey, guys, just quick update.

My family came and stayed over for a week. After playing gracious host for a week, I've got what RP calls people hangover, but tomorrow I pick up the pace! 

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