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Whisper's Positively Negative Butterflies


Whisper

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I've been feeling really mentally off the last few days, which, given everything, isn't that hard to understand. But then, driving to work this morning, it hit; it's been 10 years. I'm going in to a whole minefield of crappy 10th anniversaries over the next two months that derailed my life and basically put everything on hold, and I feel like the last decade has been a total waste and it is still going to be another 4 years before I can make meaningful progress, so what is the point of anything?

 

Other than that, the play was fine.

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Put together enough small wins over a long enough period of time, and you’ll find yourself in high level gear fighting dragons before you know it.

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2 minutes ago, Whisper said:

I've been feeling really mentally off the last few days, which, given everything, isn't that hard to understand. But then, driving to work this morning, it hit; it's been 10 years. I'm going in to a whole minefield of crappy 10th anniversaries over the next two months that derailed my life and basically put everything on hold, and I feel like the last decade has been a total waste and it is still going to be another 4 years before I can make meaningful progress, so what is the point of anything?

 

That is a really hard place to be, I'm sorry.

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"By the Most-Righteous-and-Blessed Beard of Sir Tanktimus the Encourager!" - Jarl Rurik Harrgath

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10 hours ago, Whisper said:

I've been feeling really mentally off the last few days, which, given everything, isn't that hard to understand. But then, driving to work this morning, it hit; it's been 10 years. I'm going in to a whole minefield of crappy 10th anniversaries over the next two months that derailed my life and basically put everything on hold, and I feel like the last decade has been a total waste and it is still going to be another 4 years before I can make meaningful progress, so what is the point of anything?

I think the point is to keep moving forward because 4 years is a lot closer than another 10 years or an infinite amount of time. Its time you can try things, find what does and doesn't work for you and really iron them out for when you can make that meaningful progress. I don't know everything you are going through and it really sucks you feel that way right now. We are here for you :) -virtual hugs-

 

Side note, loved the blocky painting. Its fun and colourful. 

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{Chase the wind and touch the sky; I will fly}

 

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11 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

That is a really hard place to be, I'm sorry.

 

14 minutes ago, Rookie said:

I think the point is to keep moving forward because 4 years is a lot closer than another 10 years or an infinite amount of time. Its time you can try things, find what does and doesn't work for you and really iron them out for when you can make that meaningful progress. I don't know everything you are going through and it really sucks you feel that way right now. We are here for you :) -virtual hugs-

 

Despite sabotaging myself down to 3.5 hours of sleep last night, I'm actually feeling a fair deal better today. I traded some texts with my pastor yesterday, and as he pointed out, there are people who like, value and respect me, and are fully aware of the extent of my screwups, so I've got that going for me. Despite occasionally channelling Eclesiastes, I do know that the my life and the last 10 years in particular haven't really been a total waste. I make progress, I learn and I grow and most of all I keep pressing forward. 

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Put together enough small wins over a long enough period of time, and you’ll find yourself in high level gear fighting dragons before you know it.

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So, work has managed to get themselves declared a critical business in case of a lockdown and gave us letters to keep in our cars incase things come to that. I've been screaming "bullshit" to myself all day. Window fucking "fashions" are not critical. Talked to my manager at the end of the day, told him that if they order a lockdown / "shelter in place", I will not be using that letter, I'll be sheltering in place.  I live with a couple that will be celebrating their 59th anniversary tomorrow; I'm taking all the precautions I can right now, but if things get that bad, I'm not going to risk them so some rich person doesn't have to look out their window. Manager was highly supportive, told me that if I think it is necessary, he is fine with me going out now. 

 

I talked with the couples daughter when I got home. We're taking even more precautions around the house, cleaning everything as it comes in. She's a nurse, but on a travel contract and being held in reserve right now.  I told her that if/when things reach a point where she isn't comfortable with me going to work, all she has to do is say the word and I'll be out with up to 6 and a half weeks of pay. She said she would let me know. We don't know how long this is going to last and the worry is pulling the trigger too early.

 

I also talked with her a little about Friday night. The game really did stress her, but not in a grudging way, she's just really stressed and worried. We're going to call a halt to playing cards for now, no way to disinfect them. Dominos are still good though, we can soak those in bleach.  

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Put together enough small wins over a long enough period of time, and you’ll find yourself in high level gear fighting dragons before you know it.

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I feel you on the wasting time thing. Sending long-distance hugs (if you want them)! And also a high-five for the lockdown plan.

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And it looks like M is dissociating at the Wal-Mart. She went with a list. I checked on her over an hour and a half ago, she said she had been there a long time trying to find stuff. I encouraged her to get done. Checked Maps near the end of my shift, showed her still at the store with a 2% phone charge. Tried calling, no answer. Maps no longer updating her location and phone going right to voicemail, so phone is dead now. Account doesn't show a transaction at Wal-Mart, but I don't know what the lag is for it posting online.

 

I called the store and asked them to page her. Hopefully that'll snap her out of the lost funk she's in. Probably going to go sit outside work and hope she shows up; if she doesn't manage to get her phone back on I won't know when she finally gets here. 

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Put together enough small wins over a long enough period of time, and you’ll find yourself in high level gear fighting dragons before you know it.

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3 hours ago, Whisper said:

And it looks like M is dissociating at the Wal-Mart. She went with a list. I checked on her over an hour and a half ago, she said she had been there a long time trying to find stuff. I encouraged her to get done. Checked Maps near the end of my shift, showed her still at the store with a 2% phone charge. Tried calling, no answer. Maps no longer updating her location and phone going right to voicemail, so phone is dead now. Account doesn't show a transaction at Wal-Mart, but I don't know what the lag is for it posting online.

 

I called the store and asked them to page her. Hopefully that'll snap her out of the lost funk she's in. Probably going to go sit outside work and hope she shows up; if she doesn't manage to get her phone back on I won't know when she finally gets here. 

I hope you got home ok.

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52,53

"By the Most-Righteous-and-Blessed Beard of Sir Tanktimus the Encourager!" - Jarl Rurik Harrgath

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1 hour ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I hope you got home ok.

She ended up being 50 minutes late getting me. I had also given her my card to try and pick some stuff up today and between CostCo and WalMart, she spent right around $700. Throw in a $400 car repair last Friday and, yeah, I'm never going to manage to save up for a newer car. Part of me wants to be mad at her, more of me is mad at myself, it isn't like any of this is unprecedented. She has next to zero awareness of things like time, or money, or where she is, and it gets worse when she is tired and stressed. What did I think was going to happen? There isn't any point in yelling at her or even trying to talk with her about it. She'll feel really bad about it, and guilty, and hate herself, but it doesn't make it any less likely that the same thing would happen again. I've hit the "you can't use my card anymore" point multiple times, the only real question is if I'll ever really learn my lesson.

 

What's that, Tank? You still think I should read that book on boundaries you recommended to me? I've had a tab open for it ever since then, I need to get around to ordering it.

 

Church tonight was really stressful. Didn't exactly show up in the best mindset, then spent the hour before the live stream adjusting slides for better word flow.  They wanted to do some things differently tonight (we're still trying to learn how to do this, it is different every service) but tonight's changes made things much more stressful and difficult for me to do. I just wanted to slip out the door when it was over but Music Director caught me and asked for feedback and I was a bit more overwrought and venting than would have been ideal. One of the pastors was listening as I complained about having me try to put the words of a script up on the screen that the pastor wasn't following... My problem wasn't so much that she wasn't on script, but that I was trying to put a script up there. 

 

I tried watching the service when I got home to see how everything looked, but apparently our internet was sucking it and things didn't go out right.  We'll end up replacing the streams with what was recorded on a laptop, so I'll have to wait until tomorrow to see it. I'm really worried that it is going to look worse than what I had done for the last few services. Not that the world will end if the words on the screen don't match up perfectly, but it does matter to me that I do a good job with this and it felt much harder tonight.

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Put together enough small wins over a long enough period of time, and you’ll find yourself in high level gear fighting dragons before you know it.

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4 minutes ago, Whisper said:

I need to get around to ordering it.

Ordered it and the IE workbook, but Amazon is saying they won't be here until the end of the month. Hopefully they come a bit faster than that.

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Put together enough small wins over a long enough period of time, and you’ll find yourself in high level gear fighting dragons before you know it.

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Oh, as long as I'm lounging here not sleeping; an update on the butterflies. I went back over  all of the white on black butterflies this weekend adding another layer of white to make them more opaque. I didn't do progress pictures because they basically look the same but it makes a big difference in person.

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Put together enough small wins over a long enough period of time, and you’ll find yourself in high level gear fighting dragons before you know it.

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I'm glad you ordered the book. No more card for M. 

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52,53

"By the Most-Righteous-and-Blessed Beard of Sir Tanktimus the Encourager!" - Jarl Rurik Harrgath

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9 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I'm glad you ordered the book. No more card for M. 

 

These 2 things. 

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End of Week 0 and so far in Week 1, filling out my goal spreadsheet has not been happening, and most of the goals have been missed. Not going to go back and try and fill it in, or beat myself up about it, but I am printing some so I can put them up at home as reminders and aiming to knock everything out today.

  Goal Friday
Sleep
Elect out of BR  
Electronics off by 7  
Gratitude  
Brush / Floss  
Prayer  
Sleep Start by 8:30  
Eat
Mindful 2nd Breakfast  
Mindful Elevenses  
Mindful Dinner  
Read IE Book  
Move
10,000 Steps  
Physical Therapy x3  
BHO x2  
Clean
Living room clean  
Space improved  
No dishes left  
Art
Play Violin x3  
Practice Violin x2  
Paint  
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Put together enough small wins over a long enough period of time, and you’ll find yourself in high level gear fighting dragons before you know it.

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WIN_20200403_18_37_58_Pro.thumb.jpg.1a1ea5c87751f5812338774cb8778266.jpg

 

I started trying to add more of the dots and such to the end of the wing and I'm not sure if I like it. Gonna just leave it there on this one and sleep on it before deciding if I want to do it to the others. I might just skip to adding the color to the wings. If you're curious, reference pictures in the spoiler.

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Put together enough small wins over a long enough period of time, and you’ll find yourself in high level gear fighting dragons before you know it.

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Went for a long walk today, helped cut some tree branches too, so got my breathing hard outside checked off. Lots of YouTube, a bit of Xbox, generally quite the rest of the day.

 

Did get more painting done. I've decided that when the wings are black and white, I don't like edge spots, but when the wings are colored, I do like them, so on the one staying black and white, I'll leave them out, but I'll add them in on the rest of them. I made lots of progress on the Negative Butterflies today. I'll add their wing spots tomorrow and maybe even move on to the Positive Butterflies. Progress pictures in spoilere to keep from exploding the page.

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Put together enough small wins over a long enough period of time, and you’ll find yourself in high level gear fighting dragons before you know it.

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Palm Sunday service went well; I think we're finally starting to have most of the glitches ironed out. We are doing services on Thursday and Friday this week, so a bunch of my after work time will probably end up dedicated to preparing for those. 

 

I think the Negative Butterflies are just about done. I'll need to let them dry to be sure, but added in more grey and black to the wings and I think it adds nice detail to them.

I touched up the black on the Positive Butterflies, so they'll need to dry for a while before I can do anything else with them.

 

WIN_20200405_18_47_41_Pro.thumb.jpg.9fd166b1818553bae9d5c3c10d3eeab5.jpg

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Put together enough small wins over a long enough period of time, and you’ll find yourself in high level gear fighting dragons before you know it.

Whisper shows  up on Time

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The blue butterflies are so pretty. I was going to say I don't mind the dot detailing on the wings but I was late to the party haha.  

 

I hope that book has some good lessons for you. Oh man I would of blown up in the Walmart scenario. 

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{Chase the wind and touch the sky; I will fly}

 

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