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fleaball

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All my dishes are clean all at the same time! Yay! 
 

Toilet paper actually shipped from Target! Yay!
 

Window blind fell down in a hail of dust and plastic! Ya- wait. 
 

Welp, 2 out of 3 ain’t bad, right?

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I’m working on clearing surfaces and taming clutter again so I can start my dusting bonanza next week. And I am hella anxious. Who gets anxious about fucking cleaning?!

 

Okay fine, part of the anxiety might actually be because my Target shipment won’t be here til Wednesday and the gremlins have informed me that they shipped my toilet paper in its original packaging instead of a box, and therefore it’s going to get stolen and my house will never have toilet paper ever again. Which is a million percent improbable on several levels, but considering the constant anxiety lately it was inevitable I’d go off the rails at some point. 

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3 hours ago, fleaball said:

All my dishes are clean all at the same time! Yay! 
 

Toilet paper actually shipped from Target! Yay!
 

Window blind fell down in a hail of dust and plastic! Ya- wait. 
 

Welp, 2 out of 3 ain’t bad, right?

 

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"By the Most-Righteous-and-Blessed Beard of Sir Tanktimus the Encourager!" - Jarl Rurik Harrgath

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I am really upset about something but I have no idea what it is. The earlier anxiety has passed, or so I thought. But despite having a relatively good day and getting some stuff done I’m feeling pretty off. It doesn’t feel like anxiety is the main cause, and it doesn’t feel like it’s just “whoops, ran out of spoons.” It could be an emotional flashback but that doesn’t help me narrow down what the feeling is or why I’m feeling it. Or how to fix it. I should probably just go to sleep and hope everything resets overnight, but I also know I struggle getting to sleep when this is happening. 
 

Okay, goals for Saturday: (is it Saturday?) get all the random shit off my floor, sweep and vacuum, figure out how to clean my yoga mat that’s probably dusty as hell. 

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Baaaaarrrrrrf I thought I had my next challenge figured out already, but since I’ve been lying awake for no reason I was thinking about it and while I like the concept I don’t think the execution still hold up. Stupid family causing stupid trauma and fucking up my shit. Rawr. 

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16 minutes ago, fleaball said:

I don’t think the execution still hold up.

 

Feel free to brainstorm about it. (If needed, in PM)

 

Don't let the gremlins tell you it sounds silly to discuss something "you know won't work anyway". You aren't wasting anyone's time. I even find it beneficial to read about how you approach/plan your Life-ing (I am filling in, correct me if I am wrong) 

 

You deserve to find a way to carve out some time during which you really recharge.

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8 hours ago, analoggirl said:

 

Feel free to brainstorm about it. (If needed, in PM)

 

Don't let the gremlins tell you it sounds silly to discuss something "you know won't work anyway". You aren't wasting anyone's time. I even find it beneficial to read about how you approach/plan your Life-ing (I am filling in, correct me if I am wrong) 

 

You deserve to find a way to carve out some time during which you really recharge.

It’s less gremlins and more the fact that I keep trying the same things and it never works. But the biggest reason it’s not working is the fact that I live where I live right now. At the end of the day, my overall goals are just to be healthy: eat more plant-based whole foods than processed, move my body a lot, keep blood test results in appropriate ranges, improve my mental health.
 

But there’s only so many ways to reach those goals, and the obstacles I’m facing in doing so aren’t necessarily the kind you willpower yourself through. I can make a goal every single challenge to eat more veggies and do any kind of physical activity, but if I’m constantly afraid of my father seeing me and asking a million questions and/or harassing me about it, it’s probably not going to happen. And yet I keep making those goals anyway, telling myself that this time I will actually power through and do it, and it still doesn’t happen because I haven’t addressed the underlying issues and because willpower isn’t necessarily enough to overcome 30 years of trauma + current bullshit. So that’s where the “I don’t think the execution will hold up” comes from. 
 

What I was planning on doing with my challenge was focusing on creating routines: a regular sleep schedule, because I’m all over the place right now; a loose eating schedule because I’m waiting way too long between meals right now thanks to not paying attention and it’s messing with my energy levels and my emotions; and an exercise schedule, like just a window during the day where I do something. But this all requires sticking to those schedules, and doesn’t take into account how my home life varies day to day - if my brother is getting ready for work and getting in my way, if my father is in a bad mood and telegraphing it so that I wind up in a bad mood, etc. 

 

It feels almost like, even though intellectually I’m aware of current limitations and roadblocks due to my living situation and my mental health, when I’m setting out challenge goals I keep trying to leapfrog over them and go straight from who I am now to who I want to be. In past challenges I’ve tried to do some things differently to mange allowances for those limitations while setting my goals, but in practice I still try to charge right through. There’s probably an element of self-compassion missing - I say it’s okay to go slow and do things in small pieces, but then I get really frustrated and angry that I’m going slow anyway. I still haven’t learned how to manage expectations and bypass the childhood lesson of “you have to be the best at everything, and do it on the first try.”
 

So after all this babbling, tl;dr it’s not so much “it won’t work anyway” as it is “this won’t work right now.” 


I may have found a different approach for the next challenge. During the last weeks of this one I was working on a “plan of attack” for May and June - what I can do/want to do while the world is upside down. And the things on the list can broadly be lumped into 4-5 categories (physical health, mental health, job stuff/learning, etc). So I think I’m going to focus on doing one thing for each category a day. Sometimes it will be big stuff like actually applying for a job, other times it might just be reading an article or two about something. On a good day I might do a half hour yoga video and the next day maybe I’ll just have one extra serving of veggies because that’s all I have spoons for. 
 

I’m glad all my babbling helps you out sometimes. And thanks for giving me the opening to write this post - I probably wouldn’t have addressed these things here, but writing it out has helped me organize these thoughts better. 

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3 minutes ago, fleaball said:

And thanks for giving me the opening to write this post -

 

Welcome. I feel silly when I say things that aren't "hitting the nail on the head". Or uncomfortable when they were even wrong to say at all to say in the first place. 

 

But sometimes I figure there is value in - indeed - giving an opening 🤔 "Pushing back"/hearing something that DOESN'T apply to me sometimes helps me better define how I work, at least. And if it's a totally unvaluable/unapplicable comment, feel free to ignore haha

 

 

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That's some very good processing and problem solving on your goals.

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I’ll get back to y’all in a bit but right now I just need to freak out to people who won’t make fun of me. 
 

I’ve been busy cleaning and getting shit done but I just saw a spider crawling across my bed and I fucking hate spiders. So now I’m totally out of the zone I was in and I’m also totally freaked out and I keep feeling things crawling on me when nothing is there. I want to keep getting shit done but now I’m on high alert and it’s going to take me forever to calm down and ugh. 
 

I killed it, for the record. I try not to kill them sometimes but when they’re near my bed, fuck that noise. I probably won’t sleep tonight either because I’ll be expecting more to appear.

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9 minutes ago, fleaball said:

I’ve been busy cleaning and getting shit done but I just saw a spider crawling across my bed and I fucking hate spiders. So now I’m totally out of the zone I was in and I’m also totally freaked out and I keep feeling things crawling on me when nothing is there. I want to keep getting shit done but now I’m on high alert and it’s going to take me forever to calm down and ugh. 

 

Ew yuck, I can't blame you. I hate spiders too and I'd react the same way.  

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I've been there and feel the same way.

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4 hours ago, analoggirl said:

 

Welcome. I feel silly when I say things that aren't "hitting the nail on the head". Or uncomfortable when they were even wrong to say at all to say in the first place. 

 

But sometimes I figure there is value in - indeed - giving an opening 🤔 "Pushing back"/hearing something that DOESN'T apply to me sometimes helps me better define how I work, at least. And if it's a totally unvaluable/unapplicable comment, feel free to ignore haha

 

 

Don't ever feel silly in this thread. If someone says things that don't apply to me right now, I'm still filing them away for when I'm a more functional human being. And you never know, maybe someone else who's hanging out here needs to hear what you're saying. 

 

4 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

That's some very good processing and problem solving on your goals.

Danke!

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21 hours ago, fleaball said:

Okay, goals for Saturday: (is it Saturday?) get all the random shit off my floor, sweep and vacuum, figure out how to clean my yoga mat that’s probably dusty as hell. 

Random shit off the floor, check. Sweep? No, because I have no idea where my father put the broom. Vacuum? No, because I'm a real winner and decided to wash the filter before I used it, and I wasn't putting a wet filter back in an electric vacuum. Yoga mat, I googled how to clean it and apparently you can just wipe them with a wet cloth? So that's on the list for immediately before I vacuum in case it produces more dust somehow. So I guess technically I'm 2/3 for what I set out to do, but since vacuuming was the biggest task it feels like I did less than I wanted. I did get other things done as well, but that doesn't count apparently. 

 

My brother was off today and has been in a pissy mood since he woke up at 7:30pm and it's been bringing me down the whole time as well. I don't know if it's a stupid empathy thing (I feel bad because he feels bad and I can't fix it) or a trauma thing (someone else is in a bad mood so I need to be on the defensive because who knows what will happen). It's probably both. I'm also a little angry at him because when he's in a bad mood he makes no attempt to hide it and is more of a dick than usual just because. So that's awesome. 

 

I was going to complain more but right now it doesn't feel like it's worth the effort. I'll just enjoy my mostly clean floor and go make food and try to figure out what to do until bedtime. I want to start another video game but I don't know if I want to sit through cut scenes and tutorials and such right now. Also something smells like cat pee. 

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7 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Also something smells like cat pee. 

I'm no expert, but I suspect what smells like cat pee is probably cat pee.

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On 4/27/2020 at 8:49 PM, fleaball said:

Kelly Clarkson has a new song that came out a week and a half ago. (I am behind as usual.) And she recorded it in FIVE OTHER LANGUAGES. With lyrics on each one. And then made a video with a deaf folks signing it. 

 

Late to the party, but that was freaking awesome. Thank you for sharing it.

 

 

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2 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I'm no expert, but I suspect what smells like cat pee is probably cat pee.

You’re probably right. The mystery, then, is why something that is not cat pee or a litter box smells like cat pee. 

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7 hours ago, fleaball said:

So after all this babbling, tl;dr it’s not so much “it won’t work anyway” as it is “this won’t work right now.” 

What an incredibly self aware and well thought out post (definitely not babbling)!  As I was reading through that I was thinking to myself that this sounds so different from you when I first started following you that it almost seems like another person wrote it.  Amazing progress Flea!!!

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8 hours ago, fleaball said:

Don't ever feel silly in this thread.

 

Heard loud and clear! :)

 

It's part of my selfdevelopment goals to be less apologetic and pre-emptively arming myself with a thousand layers in case something lands badly. (Or taking a disproportionate amount of steps back if it does. Especially if someone isn't really upset.)

 

Sometimes it is tough to filter whether my thoughtful side is saying something or my timid / reserved side. It probably makes a difference in my phrasing as well. :) when both sentiments sound a like, thoughtfulness is my excuse to keep myself comfortable in my apologetic identity. And I *really* need to get that seperated from my identity because it's holding me back. Like what you said, maybe someone else needs to read what I said?

 

6 hours ago, fleaball said:

I don't know if it's a stupid empathy thing (I feel bad because he feels bad and I can't fix it) or a trauma thing (someone else is in a bad mood so I need to be on the defensive because who knows what will happen).

 

WTF! I relate to this. Deeply.

 

And there are several other things that I do that are trauma-like in symptoms and I don't. Get. Why.

 

Well. If I'd really had to think hard I could think of a few reasons 🤔 Mainly in my childhood and some in more recent years but I always think I am over them or don't want to feel like victim so I rephrase the memories. Well, writing your story as one of a survivor/victor is a good thing of course, but not while diminishing your experiences in such a way that you forget how they might affect you lol

 

Huh. The human body is weird but the human psyche is a totally different kind of beast. Thanks for the insight.

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