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Flea is a hot freaking mess


fleaball

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5 minutes ago, fleaball said:

I definitely do that when things are really bothering me or I want to make sure I talk about specific things. This time I think I'm more just surprised that I didn't have as much to say? Kind of like, oh maybe things aren't bothering me as much as I thought? Who knows, give me 5 minutes and I'll probably be like "shit, I should have mentioned all of these things!"

 

LOL well that's what the next session is for. :) 

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Updated my goals. Now I really just want to go back to bed. I'm so tired. I got like 4 hours of sleep for no reason and I'm cranky.

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Apparently I ended my streak of good days by acknowledging that it existed. Not going to be pessimistic about it but it’s annoying that this seems to be a pattern. Who knows, maybe I’m self-sabotaging subconsciously. 
 

Not sure if it’s related or not, but my anxiety is spiking again. Starting to freak out every time someone brings something in the house (take-out, grocery delivery, etc.). On a bigger level, I’m having bigger swings between not really worrying because I’m not exposing myself to the outside world and then getting increasingly anxious and stressed about the fact that it seems inevitable if only because people as a whole aren’t taking it seriously and also I live with idiots. 
 

Adding to the fun, one particular tooth started hurting last night for no reason. I rinsed with salt water before going back to bed and it’s not as bad now, which is good. But the gremlins are partying because most of not all dentists in the state are closed until at least April 6 except for emergency needs. And because I’m me, even if I had a genuine emergency I would feel bad for bothering them. And extra pressure bc my dentist is closed on Fridays, so while their voicemail says they’re checking messages 3 times a day now and returning calls or forwarding them to the doctor on call as necessary, idk if they’d check tomorrow. I’m not seriously actually concerned about this tooth. The thing that’s ramping up the anxiety is just the possibility that *if* there is something wrong that I need to get checked out, my usual course of action (call dentist, get advice or appointment) won’t work and I’ll have to call the on-call emergency number on their voicemail and talk to a stranger and try to justify my issue to get someone to look in my mouth at a time when no one even wants people breathing near them. So it’s the uncertainty of the situation that’s driving me nuts. I recognize that it’s all unnecessary anxiety but that really isn’t helping to make it go away right now. 
 

I’m going to go brush my teeth and do salt water again. And then spend the rest of the day being dramatic and emo about my life. 

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2 hours ago, fleaball said:

Apparently I ended my streak of good days by acknowledging that it existed. Not going to be pessimistic about it but it’s annoying that this seems to be a pattern. Who knows, maybe I’m self-sabotaging subconsciously. 

It's possible. I wouldn't venture an opinion since correlation does not imply causation, but you have noticed the correlation. That might be something to dig down further on. 

2 hours ago, fleaball said:

Not sure if it’s related or not, but my anxiety is spiking again. Starting to freak out every time someone brings something in the house (take-out, grocery delivery, etc.). On a bigger level, I’m having bigger swings between not really worrying because I’m not exposing myself to the outside world and then getting increasingly anxious and stressed about the fact that it seems inevitable if only because people as a whole aren’t taking it seriously and also I live with idiots. 
 

That actually makes perfect sense. It sucks that you have anxiety, but as I told someone else, you'd feel those things even without anxiety struggles. All the anxiety does is ramp up the intensity on things you would feel anyway, and the things you'd feel anyway are perfectly valid feelings.

2 hours ago, fleaball said:

Adding to the fun, one particular tooth started hurting last night for no reason. I rinsed with salt water before going back to bed and it’s not as bad now, which is good. But the gremlins are partying because most of not all dentists in the state are closed until at least April 6 except for emergency needs. And because I’m me, even if I had a genuine emergency I would feel bad for bothering them. And extra pressure bc my dentist is closed on Fridays, so while their voicemail says they’re checking messages 3 times a day now and returning calls or forwarding them to the doctor on call as necessary, idk if they’d check tomorrow. I’m not seriously actually concerned about this tooth. The thing that’s ramping up the anxiety is just the possibility that *if* there is something wrong that I need to get checked out, my usual course of action (call dentist, get advice or appointment) won’t work and I’ll have to call the on-call emergency number on their voicemail and talk to a stranger and try to justify my issue to get someone to look in my mouth at a time when no one even wants people breathing near them. So it’s the uncertainty of the situation that’s driving me nuts. I recognize that it’s all unnecessary anxiety but that really isn’t helping to make it go away right now. 

I've just realized you have changed the way you talk about anxiety. You are much more matter of fact here. It's like you've learned how to observe your anxiety happening and comment on it without making value judgements. I'd say it's another sign that the results of a lot of hard work just became visible.

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2 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

That actually makes perfect sense. It sucks that you have anxiety, but as I told someone else, you'd feel those things even without anxiety struggles. All the anxiety does is ramp up the intensity on things you would feel anyway, and the things you'd feel anyway are perfectly valid feelings.

Absolutely. i'm looking at it like, even though I'm playing on extra hard mode right now, it would be more worrying if I weren't concerned about what's happening rather than having a similar reaction to smart people around the world.

 

2 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I've just realized you have changed the way you talk about anxiety. You are much more matter of fact here. It's like you've learned how to observe your anxiety happening and comment on it without making value judgements. I'd say it's another sign that the results of a lot of hard work just became visible.

Beat you on this one! =D It doesn't always reflect in my posts here, but a lot of the time when I'm anxious about something I can distance myself from it and see why it's happening. Doesn't help interrupt the anxiety most of the time, but I'm definitely more aware of what's happening and why. Sometimes it does work to follow the path, so to speak, and come up with ways to deal with the thing if it comes to pass (eg, my dentist is closed omg what do I do - okay I can leave them a message and/or I can write down the emergency phone number now so if I need it I don't need to scramble for it when the time comes) but sometimes there's no real actionable steps to take so far ahead. Womp. The shitty part is when I feel anxious but can't figure out what the trigger was. 

 

But also yay, I'm glad that you picked up on this too. 

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5 hours ago, fleaball said:

Absolutely. i'm looking at it like, even though I'm playing on extra hard mode right now, it would be more worrying if I weren't concerned about what's happening rather than having a similar reaction to smart people around the world.

I kind of wonder if those of us with long histories of anxiety are actually coping a bit better than others at the moment. Like I've already spent most of my life learning how to tell my dumb brain how to calm down all the time, so it's easier for me than it is for all these folks who haven't had to deal with this kind of prolonged stress before. It's actually kind of comforting to have something legitimate to worry about for a change, rather than the usual abstract stuff! 

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Holy mother of god what kind of terrible person was I in a past life to deserve what I’m dealing with now?

 

okay fine I’m being a little dramatic. But my father, and I, of course, have been dealing with adjusting his IRA for the past two weeks and it’s just a clusterfuck. This man has no patience, on top of an inability to grasp even simple concepts let alone slightly complicated ones. (tbf I don’t know how much of it is him just being an idiot vs some kind of trauma/“I’m too stupid to understand things” kind of deal. But right now I don’t even care.) I know nothing about investing. I read a little about it when I worked at the bank and I decided I’d much rather pay someone else to handle it for me because I didn’t want to deal with. Which is what he’s doing now, except he has literally never done anything with this account except make contributions to it every year. But any time we’ve left a meeting or ended a call I ask if everything made sense or does he want to go over something, and he says he’s fine. And then five minutes later he’s pissy because not only does he have no idea what just happened, he also didn’t get the answers he wanted to hear. We just spent 45 minutes on the phone with me asking all the questions and him giving all kinds of unnecessary background information that had no bearing on what we were doing. 
 

I’m so annoyed. I’m just so tired of this. But getting his IRA sorted is definitely in my best interest because I’m a beneficiary on it and I’d like to get as much money out of it as possible when he eventually kicks the bucket. 
 

And now I can’t even go back up and hide in my room because my brother got home from work and immediately went upstairs and started vomiting and I don’t even want to hear it. This virus shit needs to finish up like tomorrow so I can get a job and go to the gym and do other things that get me the hell out of this house and away from these people. 

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3 hours ago, fleaball said:

Holy mother of god what kind of terrible person was I in a past life to deserve what I’m dealing with now?

I laughed a little at this bit, but felt your pain on the rest of it.

 

I do not understand; if your brother is vomiting like this, why is he still going to work? I know vomiting isn't a symptom of COVID, but it still isn't something to be spreading at work.

 

3 hours ago, fleaball said:

I don’t know how much of it is him just being an idiot vs some kind of trauma/“I’m too stupid to understand things” kind of deal. But right now I don’t even care.

That is understandable and reasonable. I'm sure your father has his own share of unresolved trauma, but you can't fix that for him and you can't be expected to be an unlimited fount grace and understanding. There comes a point where one has to decide that is doesn't matter who's fault the mess is, the mess is mine now and I am the only that can clean it up.

 

It might sound callous, but to some extent it doesn't matter what trauma your father has, not until or unless he decides for himself that he is going to start working on it.

 

You might be a hot mess Flea, but you do own it, you are working on it and you are making progess, and I have so much respect for you because of it.

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11 minutes ago, Whisper said:

I laughed a little at this bit, but felt your pain on the rest of it.

 

I do not understand; if your brother is vomiting like this, why is he still going to work? I know vomiting isn't a symptom of COVID, but it still isn't something to be spreading at work.

It’s not related to any kind of illness and to my knowledge it only happens at home. It’s part out of control acid reflux fucking him up, and part self-inflicted. The reflux and some kind of dental issue cause post-nasal drip and it’s super hard for him to actually clear his throat and making himself vomit is the only way he can get rid of it? Or so he says. He’s more than capable of not vomiting every night and he also refuses to see a doctor of any kind because the GI he saw in the past couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him so why would anyone else? 
 

tl;dr my brother is an inconsiderate shithead but fortunately it’s nothing contagious

 

11 minutes ago, Whisper said:

That is understandable and reasonable. I'm sure your father has his own share of unresolved trauma, but you can't fix that for him and you can't be expected to be an unlimited fount grace and understanding. There comes a point where one has to decide that is doesn't matter who's fault the mess is, the mess is mine now and I am the only that can clean it up.

 

It might sound callous, but to some extent it doesn't matter what trauma your father has, not until or unless he decides for himself that he is going to start working on it.
 

well said. For a way too long period of time I felt like I needed to cut my parents some slack for not being the best parents in the world because neither had the best childhood and they both had undiagnosed mental health issues and whatnot. And then I hit a point where I said fuck it, having those issues doesn’t excuse being an asshole, especially when you’re aware of and refuse to address them. In the post above, if what my father struggles with is a legitimate comprehension issue of some kind (including the ADHD I’m sure he has) I would be more than willing to cut him some slack (possibly minus some points for not addressing the ADHD). But it’s impossible to know if it’s that or if it’s some kind of pathological whatever. 
 

but yeah. My father got a therapy referral and never did anything with it. He keeps getting mental health self-help books from the library that indicate he at least *thinks* he has these issues. And I know therapy is scary for people and the thought of talking about your shit is scary, but at this point I really have no sympathy for him considering he’s got plenty of resources he won’t take advantage of. (Seriously. His health insurance coverage is incredible. There’s nothing in his way but himself.) 

 

11 minutes ago, Whisper said:

 

You might be a hot mess Flea, but you do own it, you are working on it and you are making progess, and I have so much respect for you because of it.

woo I am uncomfortable now lol. But thanks. ❤️

 

Even when I was a kid I would tell myself I couldn’t grow up to be like my mother, sitting at home and watching mindless television and having no friends and never going out, all that fun stuff. And whoops, look where I am now. But I remind myself that the difference is that I’m doing something about it and taking steps to avoid that in the long run. 

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12 hours ago, fleaball said:

having no friends

You has friends 😛 

 

Following...how did I not show up here till page 2?

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7 hours ago, RES said:

You has friends 😛 
 

 

shhhh don’t tell anyone. 

 

7 hours ago, RES said:

 

Following...how did I not show up here till page 2?

I didn’t link it in my old thread like i usually do. Sneaky flea. 

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Yeah, I definitely did not mean to dismiss y’all when I said “no friends.” Wasn’t on my radar, I promise. I was thinking more of all the other boxes I check in comparison to my mother. 

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I ordered delivery because I really fucking wanted fresh produce of some kind and I have none, nor do I have anything frozen that I wanted to use. So I got a salad and some other stuff. 
 

and now I’m so anxious about “what if it’s contaminated?!?!?!?!” that I have no appetite despite not eating all fucking day. Ugh. I’m not worried about the food being contaminated, but the packaging. Which it probably isn’t and I’ve washed my hands a million times and all that, but gremlins. 

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22 hours ago, Whisper said:

That is understandable and reasonable. I'm sure your father has his own share of unresolved trauma, but you can't fix that for him and you can't be expected to be an unlimited fount grace and understanding. There comes a point where one has to decide that is doesn't matter who's fault the mess is, the mess is mine now and I am the only that can clean it up.

 

It might sound callous, but to some extent it doesn't matter what trauma your father has, not until or unless he decides for himself that he is going to start working on it.

 

You might be a hot mess Flea, but you do own it, you are working on it and you are making progess, and I have so much respect for you because of it.

 

This. 

 

21 hours ago, fleaball said:

It’s not related to any kind of illness and to my knowledge it only happens at home. It’s part out of control acid reflux fucking him up, and part self-inflicted. The reflux and some kind of dental issue cause post-nasal drip and it’s super hard for him to actually clear his throat and making himself vomit is the only way he can get rid of it? Or so he says. He’s more than capable of not vomiting every night and he also refuses to see a doctor of any kind because the GI he saw in the past couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him so why would anyone else? 
 

tl;dr my brother is an inconsiderate shithead but fortunately it’s nothing contagious

 

That does not sound like a healthy long-term solution. 

 

53 minutes ago, fleaball said:

I ordered delivery because I really fucking wanted fresh produce of some kind and I have none, nor do I have anything frozen that I wanted to use. So I got a salad and some other stuff. 
 

and now I’m so anxious about “what if it’s contaminated?!?!?!?!” that I have no appetite despite not eating all fucking day. Ugh. I’m not worried about the food being contaminated, but the packaging. Which it probably isn’t and I’ve washed my hands a million times and all that, but gremlins. 

 

I really doubt the packaging is contaminated. Most everyone wears gloves for everything right now (though even if they aren't everyone's being super careful right now anyway). Most likely it's fine. 

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27 minutes ago, Jupiter said:

 

That does not sound like a healthy long-term solution. 

my brother assumes he won’t be around long-term, so it evens out. Like he just refuses to take care of his health and is fully aware of the fact that he’ll die sooner rather than later. 

 

27 minutes ago, Jupiter said:

 

I really doubt the packaging is contaminated. Most everyone wears gloves for everything right now (though even if they aren't everyone's being super careful right now anyway). Most likely it's fine. 

Oh yeah, I’m totally aware of all that. It’s just that anxiety doesn’t really care. So I’m definitely reminding myself that it’s probably fine and people are taking precautions and I recognize that it’s true, but it doesn’t stop the crazy. 

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1 minute ago, fleaball said:

my brother assumes he won’t be around long-term, so it evens out. Like he just refuses to take care of his health and is fully aware of the fact that he’ll die sooner rather than later. 

 

Not gonna lie, that's a very dim way to view life. 

 

2 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Oh yeah, I’m totally aware of all that. It’s just that anxiety doesn’t really care. So I’m definitely reminding myself that it’s probably fine and people are taking precautions and I recognize that it’s true, but it doesn’t stop the crazy. 

 

Yup, totally get it. 

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It’s nearly 5am and instead of sleeping like I really need to, I am lying awake fuming over shit my mother pulled a few days before she died. It’s not relevant to anything, it’s not something I need to work through, it just popped into my head and won’t go away. And I am pissed because I just want to fucking sleep. 
 

And Fat Kitty abandoned me to go beg my brother for his breakfast. Jerkface. 

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18 hours ago, fleaball said:

Yeah, I definitely did not mean to dismiss y’all when I said “no friends.” Wasn’t on my radar, I promise. I was thinking more of all the other boxes I check in comparison to my mother. 

I figured, but sometimes a reminder is not a bad thing. Its just hard for some of us to get  you out of the house to do coffee or something.
 

 

11 hours ago, fleaball said:

And Fat Kitty abandoned me to go beg my brother for his breakfast. Jerkface. 


Traitor....

And as far as the "random thing that upsets me for no reason and is now stuck in my head" totally understand. been there, done that. Hopefully you found something else to focus on now.

 

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11 hours ago, fleaball said:

It’s nearly 5am and instead of sleeping like I really need to, I am lying awake fuming over shit my mother pulled a few days before she died. It’s not relevant to anything, it’s not something I need to work through, it just popped into my head and won’t go away. And I am pissed because I just want to fucking sleep. 
 

And Fat Kitty abandoned me to go beg my brother for his breakfast. Jerkface. 

random shit like that is the worst. Hopefully, you can get some rest. 

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9 hours ago, Emma said:

I call it monkey brain because the thoughts are running around like monkeys I can’t control.

I call mine squirrels for the same reason 

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4 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

And as far as the "random thing that upsets me for no reason and is now stuck in my head" totally understand. been there, done that. Hopefully you found something else to focus on now.

 

Seconded. 

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