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Flea is a hot freaking mess


fleaball

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Okay so it took me a lot longer than expected to get that resume fired off. Mostly because I decided it was more important to walk my father through calling Fidelity to finally end The Saga of the IRA. But then I came back and did the resume thing less because I wanted to do it for real and more because I just wanted to cross it off the to do list so it wasn't hanging over my head. But it's done, regardless of the reason, so I'll take the W. Now I'm sitting on hold with one of my credit card companies since I didn't do it yesterday. I'm fine with being on hold for a while but I'm also impatient to get at least one of these calls done so I can move on to my video game. Or reading a book, because those exist. 

 

And now, Thoughts™. Since I discussed all this with my therapist this morning anyway. 

 

- Part of the reason I've been struggling so hard since the beginning of this shitshow is my need to follow directions/do what I'm told. Which is impossible when a) things are constantly changing and b.) there are so many different sources of information. For example, when it was starting to get rough people were saying not to panic, but also take it very seriously and prepare for several weeks etc so maybe healthy panic a little, but also don't worry too much about it. So that's a lot of mixed messages. Also right now you have people saying that you should sanitize all your groceries once you bring them into the house and/or leave non-perishables in the garage for 3 days so the virus dies off and/or if something's in a plastic bag inside a cardboard box you should take the bag out and throw the box away. And then you have other people who are saying no, that's all overkill, just wash your hands before and after handling this stuff and sanitize the surfaces they touched. And intellectually I know that if the CDC and the WHO are saying the latter, it's probably the better advice. However, anxiety/trauma are still doing their thing and the people giving the other advice sometimes have MD or other letters after their names so my brain goes "wait but they're smarter than you so they're probably right." I'm not buying into the bullshit and doing my own research just to be sure, but the mixed messages are definitely gremlin food.

 

- Another fun thing happening is feelings of helplessness and guilt about not being able to help. Yes, fine, the best thing to do is stay home and flatten the curve. Message received. But everywhere all over social media there's stories of people sewing masks (I don't know how to sew), 3D printing supplies (don't have a printer), volunteering to shop for their vulnerable neighbors etc (can't because I'm high risk). And it's just like, I'm seeing all these other people doing things and the overall situation is a massive clusterfuck but there's nothing I can do to contribute. Beyond staying home. I'm not downplaying the importance of that, but if you look at my history it's pretty obvious that I'd feel like I need to be doing/giving/helping more. So that's a struggle with no good solution. Because I'm not buying a 3D printer, it would be stupid to go outside, and I should leave the sewing materials and the doing of it to the people that know how to do it efficiently. I can't even go donate blood because I've had this cold or whatever and you have to be healthy. (Never mind staying away from hospitals just in case. Yikes.) So yeah. That's lame. 

 

I'm trying to think of either things I can do to contribute somehow, or ways to shut up the gremlins and be okay with not contributing beyond staying home. Not trying to commit myself to any kind of fitness routine or diet plan just because I have free time, because that's a surefire way to screw myself over. (Am I still moving around at home and trying to eat better? Sure. But I'm not going at it hardcore right now.) I think for the moment I just have to be happy with the slow progress I'm making on all my adulting and to-do-list-ing. If nothing else, getting all this shit squared away and getting myself into some kind of routine will help if/when the world goes back to normal.

 

idk if this helps anyone but there it is. And now after an hour on hold I'm hanging up this call with my credit card company because I want to go cook things and I don't feel like playing this game anymore. I did manage to find what I needed on the website for one of the others, so I can still cross off one card for the day. Maybe I'll call back later. Maybe I won't. 

 

Someone yell at me to change my sheets. The clean ones are still in the dryer from Friday. 

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32 minutes ago, fleaball said:

I want to go cook things

April fools! Headed down to the kitchen with all my shit in hand and my father is there waffling over what he wants to eat for dinner. So now I’m waiting.

 

And waiting.

 

And waiting. 

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Change your damn sheets while you’re waiting.

FWIW we wipe down everything that comes in the house so that Mrs. Sloth doesn’t have anxiety about it. I don’t really care what’s right; overkill and the appropriate amount of care have the same result.

One thing you can do is look out for your extrovert friends. They’re likely struggling right now and could use someone reaching out.

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1 minute ago, Sloth the Enduring said:

Change your damn sheets while you’re waiting.

Damn it. I really want to argue with this but I can’t. 
 

2 minutes ago, Sloth the Enduring said:

FWIW we wipe down everything that comes in the house so that Mrs. Sloth doesn’t have anxiety about it. I don’t really care what’s right; overkill and the appropriate amount of care have the same result.

One thing you can do is look out for your extrovert friends. They’re likely struggling right now and could use someone reaching out.

Totally hear you. I’m not really worried about overkill, but there are people out there saying you should wash all your produce with soap and/or bleach, and while I know that’s a terrible idea I also wind up pausing and thinking “wait... are they right though?” (I’m absolutely not going to bleach my food. But this is where the anxiety comes from.)

 

Fun fact, all but two of my friends live on this particular website so I have no one to check on. :) 

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4 hours ago, fleaball said:

Told the recruiter who emailed me Monday to keep me in mind if she has any remote opportunities come through. She replied yesterday asking me to send a resume. I haven't yet; yesterday was a terrible mental health day so I did literally nothing computer-related at all, and I'm trying to do it now and it's a struggle. Literally all I need to do is find my most recent resume, change the name of the document, and email it to her. But I'm freezing on it. It's not entirely unexpected or out of the ordinary for me, but still frustrating. And the longer I take to do it, the more anxious I get because I'm aware of how long it's taking. Womp. 

 

I'm doing it. I swear. I just needed to get that out.

 

 

tumblr_m8sp49iudj1ruqn30.gif?w=500&h=281

 

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I agree that doing the things that calm the anxiety is excellent, even if it's "overkill," but bleaching food is a bad idea. You do not want to eat bleach. If there is any question, and so far there isn't anything to suggest that it has much of a half life on food, if any,  you can let something site for a day. Even on a material like cardboard that's all you need. Peace of mind, good! Eating bleach? Bad. 

 

Hugs for the troubles though, I know this is going to be a very difficult time, but last I checked, you are stronger than you realize! We'll keep reminding you though, just in case ;) 

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aaaaaaaand I just burnt a shit ton of minced garlic in my only sauté pan. I just want to eat my vegetables goddammit. 

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and now my father is throwing a tantrum because it smells bad. 

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48 minutes ago, Countess D'If said:

 

 

 

tumblr_m8sp49iudj1ruqn30.gif?w=500&h=281

 

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High five!

 

 

46 minutes ago, RedStone said:

I agree that doing the things that calm the anxiety is excellent, even if it's "overkill," but bleaching food is a bad idea. You do not want to eat bleach. If there is any question, and so far there isn't anything to suggest that it has much of a half life on food, if any,  you can let something site for a day. Even on a material like cardboard that's all you need. Peace of mind, good! Eating bleach? Bad. 

 

Hugs for the troubles though, I know this is going to be a very difficult time, but last I checked, you are stronger than you realize! We'll keep reminding you though, just in case ;) 

yeah no, no plans to eat bleach, I promise. Or even soapy produce. Hard pass. 

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My food eventually came out okay, I've been productive today, and I have fresh veggies and little stress. But after the burnt garlic episode I just want to curl up and cry. Not because of the incident itself, just because that was apparently the line for the day. And no, I did not get around to changing my sheets because I had to instruct my father how to cook pasta. (?!)

 

200.gif

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Yup, here we go. Anxiety, tension, knot in my stomach. Why? Who fucking knows. Probably because I cooked, and I burnt garlic, and my ankle is still swollen and angry and while I don’t think I managed to sprain it I’m suddenly worried that I did manage to fuck it up somehow and whoops, can’t see a physical therapist right now. And even if I could, I’d want to go back to the place I went for my knee but I’ve gained weight since then and not done any kind of working out so I’d be embarrassed to go back. 

 

So yeah. Awesome. Anxiety for reasons that are all in my head and resulting from PTSD, which is fucking stupid. 

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2 hours ago, fleaball said:

and now my father is throwing a tantrum because it smells bad. 

In my head I just pictured you watching him throw the tantrum, then maintaining eye contact while you microwave some tuna then burn popcorn in the microwave, all without moving a muscle on your face, then at the end, giving him an evil grin while you walk up the stairs.

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Welp. The youngest person in MA so far just died of the virus. 31, overweight, had asthma. I guess I’m never leaving my house again. 

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8 hours ago, fleaball said:

I'm trying to think of either things I can do to contribute somehow, or ways to shut up the gremlins and be okay with not contributing beyond staying home.

 

Both the randomly freezing up on the resume sending thing and this are especially relatable to me on some level. I'm not trying to force relatability, but on my subjective relative scale, I relate.

 

So it's nothing gripping as much as that I'm looking at it, start doing something else, and it's building up because I'm why tf I am not Just Doing It! 

 

As for your "not really helping" gremlins, I think at this point you are DEFINITELY not the only one. Maybe make a r/post on how you are dealing with all of this, and which instructions you are following based on your research? Knowledge is power you know. ESPECIALLY knowledge you act upon. (Knowing is not enough, you must apply... :D )

 

♡  Speaking of which, your gremlins talking about how you are not helping can STFU already even because you just helped me process part of what's happening. You may not be able to sew, but you are a boss in opening up about what's up and that helps others as well. Thanks.

 

Now I'm going to go ahead and tell you to change your sheets!

 

When you can! (Well, it's not like that was the last time your dad is going to make you wait on him so that's your next go-to thing to keep busy with?)

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fleaball said:
Welp. The youngest person in MA so far just died of the virus. 31, overweight, had asthma. I guess I’m never leaving my house again. 

:( ... Let's say... you are more careful than most people so it'll be okay.

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1 hour ago, analoggirl said:

♡  Speaking of which, your gremlins talking about how you are not helping can STFU already even because you just helped me process part of what's happening. You may not be able to sew, but you are a boss in opening up about what's up and that helps others as well. Thanks.

 

Now I'm going to go ahead and tell you to change your sheets!

 

When you can! (Well, it's not like that was the last time your dad is going to make you wait on him so that's your next go-to thing to keep busy with?)

:( ... Let's say... you are more careful than most people so it'll be okay.

my phone is being dumb and I can’t quote the first half of your post. Rawr. But anyway, I’m glad I helped! Always happy when someone else can learn something from my mental health bullshit lol. 
 

You’re always welcome to relate here. :) I know you’re not implying everything is exactly the same, but it’s comforting to know other people have similar problems. Procrastination and getting anxious over putting off relatively simple things seem to be super common. Too bad someone can’t come up with a quick fix for it. 
 

re: the dude who just died... yeah fingers crossed I’ll be fine. It’s not like he’s the first “young person with underlying conditions” I've heard about, but he’s the first one here so that makes it real. And he was a year younger than me, and not as fat as me judging by the photo they published. So that hits even closer to home. 
 

The more fun/scary part is that they’re predicting it will peak in my state between the 7th-17th, so right around the corner. So just a whole lot of unpleasant news piling on today. But I’m washing my hands a lot (RIP skin) and making sure I don’t touch my face, and tbh trying to avoid my father a lot because he has no concept of hygiene. :rolleyes: Being careful with groceries and such and trying not to put outside things on food prep surfaces just in case. I might try to run out and make a super quick grocery run in the next day or two, but we’ll see. 
 

sigh. 

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In totally unrelated news, roommate has been texting me almost every day since her dad’s diagnosis either to vent or ask questions. A few hours ago she said “Sorry for bringing up your mom lately. I feel like a total n00b not even acknowledging that maybe this sucks for you, too.” And while I've said it’s fine and I’m 100% okay with it (which I am) it’s low-key frustrating that I can’t actually say “btw I’m not actually upset about this because my mother was a shitty person and I’m not sure I can honestly say I loved her or miss her.” 
 

does this have any kind of impact on anything at all? Not really. Except that I’m hoping she’ll continue to reach out if she wants and not hold back thinking it’s going to upset me. Oh well. 

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7 hours ago, fleaball said:

I can’t actually say “btw I’m not actually upset about this because my mother was a shitty person and I’m not sure I can honestly say I loved her or miss her.” 
 

Actually, yes you can. You can shorten it to everything before "because." Remember, not everyone asks a million questions like your biological origin group does.

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34 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Remember, not everyone asks a million questions like your biological origin group does.

 

Can confirm. Wouldn't ask. Would only offer to listen if there is a desire.

 

(Though I do think there are some people that think that asking questions to the point they seem nosy is how they show concern, but I haven't encountered such people in quite a while :) 

And even then it would be fine to just say 'I'd rather not talk about it, I just wanted you to know you did nothing to upset me.' or a variation thereof...)

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I am legitimately okay with listening to roommate and answering her questions. The only reason I wish I could say the rest is that I don’t think she realizes I’m serious and not bothered by it. So I’d only say it to underscore that I don’t care. As in “yes it’s fine you’re asking about my mother’s experience with the same cancer your dad has and I’m not going to get emotional or triggered by it [as in oh no my mother is dead I’m so sad] because of these reasons.” I’m not going to explain it regardless because that’s a whole other can of worms I don’t want to open with her. 

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14 hours ago, fleaball said:

In totally unrelated news, roommate has been texting me almost every day since her dad’s diagnosis either to vent or ask questions. A few hours ago she said “Sorry for bringing up your mom lately. I feel like a total n00b not even acknowledging that maybe this sucks for you, too.” And while I've said it’s fine and I’m 100% okay with it (which I am) it’s low-key frustrating that I can’t actually say “btw I’m not actually upset about this because my mother was a shitty person and I’m not sure I can honestly say I loved her or miss her.” 
 

does this have any kind of impact on anything at all? Not really. Except that I’m hoping she’ll continue to reach out if she wants and not hold back thinking it’s going to upset me. Oh well. 

 

For what it is worth, you were a HUGE help when I went through the mess I dealt with. And partially because you understand so well what is going on makes it easier to talk to you. That being said, I get not wanting to tell roommate that its fine because people be nosey or won't believe you. The only reason some people believe me is that they are either here and go throuhg similar messes or they saw something first hand. So I get it. Here if you need me.

*hugs* I vote for burning popcorn just to annoy your dad. I kinda think it would be funny to do. If you could handle the smell too.

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I just sent my doctor a long, long message explaining what I did to my ankle Monday and the fact that it’s now a lot more swollen and should I be concerned about it. I’m hoping I didn’t sprain it. Again. (This is not the historically bad ankle. But I do think I got a minor sprain at the Spartan a few years ago.) I’m probably overreacting. Normally I would ride it out a few more days and see what happens, but the fact that I can’t just call up and make an appointment right now is sending my anxiety haywire. I also don’t want to go back to urgent care and have it turn out to be nothing while they’re super limited in terms of PPE.  Argh. Anxiety is bullsht. 

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It’s just shy of 8am. I have not fallen asleep yet. Good times. 

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