Jean devises a plan

[Jean]

Ohai!

 

 

I'm finally ready for this so let's jump into it, shall we?

 

Background music: Danny Olson - Tide (Youtube link)

 

I've done a lot of defensive fighting these years, growing under the snow, enduring until the spring. I've come to realize that I don't know what my end game is anymore and where I want to go with my life. I'm reacting on opportunities, not creating them. I'm flailing in every direction at once, not applying purpose to my actions.

 

Guess what? Spring has come and I am now willing to go on the offense and claim a life that I want to live. For that purpose, I need a plan: this challenge will be dedicated to build that and, for that, I need to know what I truly want out of life.

 

So, if you're ready to go on an adventure, grab a big bag of popcorn because, oooooooh boy, we're going deep this time.

 

There is a path to my life, ideals I've made mine and things I've done that led me to be the man I am. It has worked: I now have means that 16 years old me couldn't put into motion. There have been losses too and things are no more as clear as they seemed to be. I guess that's called life.

 

I'm on my way.

 

And I'm not there yet.

 

This is the life I've aimed for but not the life I've dreamt of. What would make me feel fulfilled? I don't know. It's in order to put into motion the tools that will help me to figure it out that we are here. This is a dive into my thoughts to figure out the truth of it. It's going to be messy but it will help me to better figure out where I stand. There are going to be my casual lies and me trying to unearth the truth out of them. I'll try to be bare and open but I know I won't always be. Be ready for all the crafty rationalizations that my mind can craft because they'll be here. And we will tear them apart until they drop the mask and stand naked in the light. This is hardcore extreme introspection, not for the faint of heart.™*

 

So, if you are sticking here, thanks! Your ideas and remarks help me to separate my misconceptions from what is truly constitutive of my being.

 

The purpose of this challenge is to design a plan toward happiness and fulfillment. I'm not putting any pressure on my shoulders and if I happen to write that I'll do this or that activity, take it with a grain of salt. Those are general guidelines more than real commitments. What I will be doing is let the noise of my life slide and focus on the underlying signal: I'm not the ripples, I am the tide.

 

Next message, coming today, we'll start our jump into that. Take care and enjoy the ride!

 

---------------------------------------------------------------

* Courtesy of @Scalyfreak

 

 

 

 

[Jean]

So, who am I?

 

I'll try to cut it into parts and episodes of my life, to see what they've truly brought to me but first, some framework:

 

Much like last challenge, I need to put some simple motions in place so that I keep striving toward success rather than just laying on the bed thinking being passive is a way to fight another day. Here's my checklist:

 

Small recurring objectives

• Go for a 5' walk daily;
• Register all my worked hours daily;
• Craft and follow a morning ritual. This will be tai-chi practice for now;
• Go to the vineyard at least once per week, no matter what I end up doing there.

Good thing that going out is allowed as long as I don't meet people on the way!

 

 

Now, who am I?

 

A broad recap of what I can feel about it:

 

There is this feeling that I am out of place. And there's this feeling that we are many.

There is the craving for guidance, the search for a mentor yet the rejection of the advice given to me.

There is this desire to rally the people akin to me and to offer what I feel I've lacked: support and guidance.

There are these powerful surges of feeling that we can bring whatever we want to life.

There are the biting icicles of failure tearing my flesh in the darkness too.

There is the weariness of always having to fight and never reaching the breakthrough that I feel I need.

And there's the underlying hope that we are getting there, always.

 

There is this feeling of always being at the interface, never truly at home, always able to blend in.

There is this feeling of not being a specialist at anything but able to gather tools outside of other people's area of expertise to craft solutions to most any situation.

There is the feeling that, no matter how obvious something looks to me, I have to explain it like it was coming from another planet and couldn't be spotted with a microscope.

 

There is the figure of Aragorn to which I relate. The end game might be a shiny paladin but I'm starting as a dirty and weary ranger. It doesn't mean that I'm not awesome but it does mean that I'm mid-level and haven't reached my end game yet.

 

There is the dream of the tavern, a place for people like me to gather and find a no question asked shelter. A common hall, private bedrooms, a training hall.

 

Then there are recent developments, the feeling that while I'm good at strategizing, the field and the frontlines are where I belong, that I am close to leadership but not a leader, that what I'm feeling right when I do it is designing a strategy to reach a purpose and then walk there, devising other strategies on the way.

There is the feeling that I am here to make things real, that I am the acting arm of decision makers yet always keep a watching eye on them, because I care.

I care that the end goal leads us toward a better world than we have found.

I care that what is done benefits everybody and not only a few.

 

My conclusion of the moment is that I am a knight.

 

A battered and field weary one, but a knight nonetheless.

 

A knight can lead the fight when no lord is present.

He can pick up the hoe and grow things if it comes to that.

He can do other people's jobs but that's not where he truly shines.

He shines when he rallies people around him and makes things happen.

He shines when he stays vigilant and gives council to his lord while still making it clear that he could as well rise against him if he stopped caring for his people.

 

A knight is a protector and an enabler. He needs to be kind, and firm, and realist, and true. That, I think, befits my behavior though I'm not sure yet whether it is my calling or a role that I have grown into.

 

What I do know is that, even if I end up playing the role more often than I'd like, I'm not a leader and I'm not a lord. Bearing responsibilities doesn't bring me joy. Power doesn't make me feel fulfilled. I err and question myself more than I do others.

 

I also know that I am not a no question asked working hand. I need to understand what's going on, what the goal is, and I'll react however I damn think is the best way to reach it no matter the orders I've received.

 

I am a knight and I long for a deserving king/queen.

[Jean]

Self-isolation goodie #1: In an effort to support our local businesses, I've been going to our local butcher lately. They're doing ground meat with coarser grains than the malls and it actually sticks together by itself because it's fresh. I've been doing burgers putting garlic, chili pepper, pickles, paprika and olive oil directly into the patty. They're awesome!

Next stop, my childhood's boiled beef that I haven't done in forever.

 

Exercising isn't going so well but I'm in touch with a cousin who has spent years dedicated to taiji and kung-fu (he actually got in touch with me a couple of weeks ago, talk about perfect timing!). I've failed at performing my morning ritual yesterday and today but I've given it a shot this evening and it's nice. I may actually stick to it and build some real proficiency this time!

 

 

On my reflecting about life:

 

I've been asking myself why I don't feel free. The surface answer is money: I don't feel free because I have to work to earn money. So, why can't I enjoy working and have money coming out of it as a collateral rather than the main target? The things that don't make me feel free at work include having to do a set amount of hours on defined days and suiting up (even though I'm doing only a very mild version of it). Working from home also reveals that I do enjoy having buds on my ears and listening to music while I work, which I don't allow myself to do in the office.

 

Thinking more about it, I usually have 3 good productive days in the week, then it's all holding on until the weekend. The two days weekends do recharge my batteries, so my natural weeks may be 5 days weeks (3 working days then 2 resting ones). That's... difficult to implement in a normal working environment. Options would include self-employment and tourism/catering with top notch negotiation skills (to negotiate for the right working days). An alternative would be that I am just burnt out a little and my batteries deplete more quickly than they could do. Anyway, I'm not 100% happy working full-time. There's probably a better option I can cook, there.

[Jean]

Alright, I had written another wall of text, wanted to change a link, got redirected to the page linked instead of selecting the link (does it do that to you too? It seems to happen quite often to me on these boards but I'm running all kinds of script blockers so they may be interfering), came back to the previous page and while my message is usually saved when it happens, it didn't happen this time.

 

Since I was lost in the past, I searched for good ol' Lazarus add-on, which, in the days of yore, allowed me to save these kinds of texts but it seems to have about as much existence nowadays as MSN Messenger, which I was remembering fondly (it wouldn't have helped for this time but could have helped for future similar situations).

 

I've thought several times that I should post the message then edit it if needed, or save it on notepad but didn't do it because, obviously, I felt cocky.

 

And now I'm stomped and I'm going for a walk.

 

As an additional layer of irony, part of my message was that things that I can afford to go wrong usually do and those that are absolutely crucial for my progress usually work no matter what. It's my fault, I've jinxed it. The morale of the story is: don't get cocky, kids!

[Renate]

1 hour ago, Jean said:

got redirected to the page linked instead of selecting the link (does it do that to you too?

Yes, I think (if it's the same), most recent example being the other day when I edited my signature. 

 

Enjoy your walk!

[Jean]

Thanks for the feedback!

 

Another morale of the story is: Never surrender, keep it alive!

 

This post will be another wall of text. I happen to be a rather fortunate person, so this may very well sound like wallowing in self-pity. I still need to go to the bottom of it in order to light the spark in my life again, however. If you think reading a well catered for person going through his life pointing out the misfortunes of a first world thinker can affect you negatively (which I can understand), please, stop reading.

 

If you're still reading this, thanks and enjoy the ride!

 

I've done some decluttering today and stumbled upon a book on astrology that I was reading in 2007. This might be a good opportunity to revisit that time.

 

Three songs that can be considered as defining this period of my life:

Lene Marlin - Never to know

Within Temptation - Somewhere

Damien Saez - Jeunesse lève-toi (this one is in French)

 

 

The last day of Winter

 

[Three years earlier, the Spring of 2004]

 

I had just met with failure. Big time. There were new requirements to pass college: they had introduced a very small thesis to write and defend. This was a pass or fail assignment: you couldn't register to the final exams if you didn't pass it. One year earlier, there was no such assignment. Two years later, they had revised it and it was no more pass or fail: it just counted as a regular grade that could be compensated for with good grades in other subjects. I would have easily succeeded under either of these terms. I had good grades. The situation I was faced with? Not so much.

 

I had never had to work for a grade. In my view, there are three pillars for studying: being alert in class and asking questions, working at home and gift. I was gifted and curious, those two had carried me without ever having to really put in any effort. I was in for a serious lesson.

 

For some reason, I had honed my skills at lying. People would get out of your back if you lied enough that they stopped trying. To me, this was a requirement to freedom. I hated conflict, I didn't know how to explain myself, I was lazy and I was drowned in guilt for the smallest thing. So I tackled this thing the way I had tackled every problem before: who needs to work when you can lie your way through your mentor believing you are doing real progress while you are actually just shivering in a corner, dreading that one phone call that you have to do to get an interview with a very friendly perfect stranger? Sure, my mentor should never have let it pass but I still had to learn something. The months had passed and there we were, two weeks before the due date with 20 blank pages to fill. I could certainly write 20 pages on the topic in two weeks, I'm crafty and have quite the imagination, but making up a fake interview while the person I was meant to contact was the expert who'd review the paper with my mentor? Not a chance!

 

So I failed. This was a very cold shower: everything had kind of always gone my way up to there and I was kind of a golden boy. That my mentor would dare to take me down when I hadn't put the work required in my paper, this... was an outrage!

 

 

 

I was offered some time to improve on my work but my demons hadn't left me and making phone calls was still an unbearable thing for me, so I failed again. I was left with a few months where it made no sense going to class since I couldn't register for the exams so I went on a trip instead. My parents have a flat in the south of France (Sète, which is the hometown of Georges Brassens, quite the French songs' behemoth - with very explicit lyrics for the time, don't click on the link if you don't stand old times swearing). No internet, no phone, it was meant to be a reflexive stay. I still managed to find an internet café (those were real things!) and put in quite a few hours of messenging with a girl I had met on internet... I don't really recall how (an acquaintance of an acquaintance of a Warcraft III buddy?) and became quite infatuated with. Come romantic me riding a train to Marseille to try to meet with her. We had some nice time, nothing happened, it didn't go any further.

 

Back in Switzerland, I was quite fed up with studies. The funny thing with them is that they're a bit like "who wants to be a millionaire?" in that there are milestones and if you don't reach them, you fall right at the start. Four years lost, no gain. It's a bit worse, even, since as far as your professional life is concerned, only the last paper ever matter so all that the previous milestones buy you are just a pass to go on to the next diploma that will allow you to go to the next one that will allow you to do some ill paid internship which might get you a start in your career (but once you're in there, oh boy! You need to have a job to get a job but jobs are everywhere once you've built up some experience - though I may be biased by working in environmental/civil engineering). I was destroyed and couldn't fathom going on for 6 more years of it. My parents convinced me to finish college, so I took that last year again, had to do another small thesis, was smart enough to choose something technical with no phone calls and no interviews involved, managed to pass it, aced the exams, stole the mic from the minister who was doing a boring and off-topic speech to tell him that electoral speeches were all well and fun but what about topics that would actually concern us? And that was it.

 

I went on to join scouting, which was awesome, then I was called to do my mandatory military service which, at first, was a real ordeal, taking shouts by people unable to get any respect in civil society using their rank to treat everybody under them like shit and lick the boots of everybody over them. Things got better when I went to nco school and we had actual freedom to handle things how we wanted as long as the job was done, which it was. Carried by my ranger imagery, I signed up to become a sharp-shooter. I was skilled at long range scope shooting but had more trouble with conventional aiming devices. The final exam was a standard 300m shooting test. I did well on the trial run but failed at the real deal. This came to bite me as a reminder that I could well try whatever I wanted, I just couldn't achieve what really mattered to me. Long cold nights teared apart by thin sharp icicles pinned in my guts, it felt like game over. Yet, humans have an amazing ability to crawl back when they fall down. You don't get up. You claw each foot forward, pulling your tattered mind without real hope. Time passes and you manage to get on your knees and that's all you can do. You need a helping hand to actually get up again. Alone, you just sort of carry on until something or someone manages to spark some hope again.

 

Time did pass and I went back to civil life (for then, since I still had to spend four weeks each year in uniform). That's when the dream of the tavern forged itself. I felt terribly ill fitted and searching for guidance that I couldn't find. I had that feeling that I would have needed someone to be there and had instead just met with cold and emptiness. Yet, somehow, it was feeling like I was not alone. That "we" were many and that "we" ought to fend for each other. I vowed to try and bring whatever I could to those I could find so that "we" could somehow carry each other. That took the shape of the tavern project: setting up a remote establishment with home crafted beer and mead, medieval music and songs and a huge private area made to accommodate those akin to me. That meant getting a license and I went in an apprenticeship as a waiter in order to get there.

 

I lasted 6 months... My rationalization was that I had better first gather the money required before getting the right paper and launching the project. I probably was still mainly carrying my weaknesses: the art of giving up and of laziness. My parents convinced me to see a career counselor. That went well and I actually did go to university, but that's another story.

 

That was a very productive time in my life as far as dreams and visions were concerned. There was the "theory of the worlds", heavily influenced by Thorgal and Phillip Pullman's "His Dark Materials" trilogy. To me, it meant that the world around us was conscious, from particles to us, at various levels depending on the complexity of our beings. The world was perception: what happened was what we believed in. You could shoot a bullet at me and I could come to have no consciousness of the existence of the bullet. Since we would have different perceptions, the world would split and we would each evolve in a different reality. In yours, I would be shot by the bullet and bleed. In mine, I would be fine. The end game, for me, was teleportation: affecting the consciousness of molecules so as to break them and rearrange other atoms, elsewhere, so as to form the molecules I'd need to shape myself again. I still think there's something to it that may be unlocked by meditation and martial arts, which is part of why I'm trying to pursue it.

 

There is the topic of the tittle of this message too. I was born on the 20th of March. Most years, that's the last day of Winter. Some years, it's the first day of Spring. That's just one of the instances in which I find myself at a boundary. I find it hard to believe but I am a Pisces. Empathetic, insightful, hidden, elusive, manipulative, sharing a link with the metaphysical, searching to fuse with someone else,... I am a sponge and that's part of why I have so much trouble defining myself. At that time, I came to identify myself with my position at boundaries. I was a link, something leading to a Spring that I would not see myself, the last day of Winter.

 

 

So, what to take out of this?

 

There are dreams and goals that are still worth pursuing:

• I've not given up on the tavern, even though I'm not actually pursuing it. Right now, I'm trying to raise a bunch of money. Money will help whatever happens and I can use it to shape the world a bit more in my or "our" fashion. Maybe one day "we"'ll feel home.
   
• Speaking of home, working on myself to finally come to terms with who I am and how I interact with the world is also a way by which I can help myself and show to others that it's possible and can be reached.
   
• I should write down "the theory of the worlds" and other thoughts. I had the intent to set up part of my internet site to do that. I should get back to it. Getting things written down would help me to better understand it and people could stumble upon it. Who knows, maybe that'd even be a link to bring "us" together.
   
• Rituals help. I had this exercising/meditation/martial arts ritual that I wanted to set into motion. I now have the means to make it happen more than ever. It stands on me to finally get to it.
   
• Hiding hurts, lying almost destroyed myself. While in France, I gave up my internet identity and decided to only ever walk under my real name. I don't want to hide from reality, in dreams, I want to shape reality so that my dreams take form in it. I want to walk in the light and should never, ever, be afraid of being open and true. People use your shadow against you, that's prime blackmail material. It's way harder to take on someone who walks all scars showing. It's easier to be confident that way too, and it shows, and it shines. Scars are beautiful, we should all have them, and we do.

 

So that's the story for tonight. It's strange the things that we keep asleep inside of our soul, somehow know that they are still there on an inner level but don't explore anymore. There's a lot of hope in my views of the time, there is everything that has carried me deep into the darkness and back again. I hope I'll be wise enough to let that light shine from now on.

[Renate]

First of all, good on you for admitting that what you did in school (and sometimes beyond?) was 'lying'. 

Might make you seem more like a villain than you are, but keeping things black & white when it comes to things like integrity can help you get rid of bad habits.

 

Secondly, interesting read. Glad you are diving back into what you haven't visited in a while. Supporting the making the dream a reality journey!

[Jean]

On 4/2/2020 at 7:47 AM, analoggirl said:

Might make you seem more like a villain than you are

 

I'm actually pretty good at painting myself as the good guy, which is why I try to keep myself chained to some degree of humility. I can't imagine what kind of "monster" (for lack of a better term) I'd end up being if my ego was roaming free. I was seeing myself more as a ninja or a special agent: keeping a low profile, even aiming for a job in a secret service when I'd have finished the studies (other targets I've had were diplomacy and Mars cartographer - NASA is hiring, BTW, if anybody here has ever fancied oneself an astronaut, now might be a good time to give it a shot).

 

I've started running again today, it was pretty nice. I'm out of shape but it was very invigorating. We'll see if I manage to make it a daily habit.

[Jean]

Writing this down before shutting down this tab and going to do my groceries, which is what I should be doing already:

 

I spend a lot of time browsing the internet. As I am doing it right now (well, seconds ago), I realize that the risk for it to turn into an infinite time sink is maximal when I'm doing it without a purpose, i.e.: without knowing what I am here to do. For example: there are challenges I want to follow. Reading them would be useful yet I'm actively avoiding them (I'm still trying to figure out the why of that) Instead, I circle through the same tabs again and again, refreshing them, seeing there's nothing new, then refreshing them again.

 

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." (A. Einstein?)

 

Jean out.

[Jean]

I went running and it was way easier than yesterday (the actual running, getting in my running shoes and out the door was much more difficult). I've given a shot at doing small workouts again. We'll see how my motivation reacts to that.

 

The groceries are done and I'm coming out with a concept regarding the food stockpiling that I've wanted to launch for some time (well before the corona crisis). I'll probably post something here once I'm closer to a plan regarding this.

 

I'm trying to go to bed early and go to the vineyard early tomorrow. We'll see how that works. xD

[Jean]

16 hours ago, Jean said:

I'm trying to go to bed early and go to the vineyard early tomorrow. We'll see how that works. xD

 

 

I'll keep you updated if/when I've gone to the vineyard (it's 10:45 am). xD

 

 

Just putting a short list of things to do here so that I don't forget:

• slices of life to examine: the Paladin of the Unexpected;
• end games to develop:
  • the tavern;
  • universal problem solving;
  • remote hermit;
  • how I'd live if I had absolutely no need for money;
• life skills to hone:
  • healing herbs;
  • nutrition (devise healthy survivalist food portions);
  • essential chemicals (study what I truly want to have in an emergency and plan on how to stockpile it and what I need to make other useful things with it. Examples: medicines, baking soda);
  • hunting;
• study what vaccines to get;
• make a list of the friends with whom I could be open about the above and be open about it with them;
• design my website.

 

 

 

 

[Jean]

I went to the vineyard but barely worked there since it was too early to do what I had planned (plenty of other things to do but I wasn't mentally prepared).

The running is being done. I had forgotten my chronometer today, I'm glad to report that going by ear got me running roughly the planned amount of time (20 minutes).

The workouts are being performed, though if I'd be very motivated to do them in the morning, my will to do them fades during the day. That means they are to be scheduled in the morning in order to make it sustainable.

 

Still in touch with my cousin who'll take me slowly through taiji. The first move is pretty easy but I like how he repeats it and shows it from both angles. I'm expecting the difficulty to raise after the first few weeks. Hopefully my skill will too.

 

 

 

Seing as I'm going for a physical focus once again (which is a really good thing, it clears my mind), I'll start taking track of my activity here, as I'm used to do in my challenge threads. Have fun and a nice week!

 

 

Monday, April 6th

Ran for 20'.

Did workout 1A.

 

[jcmgm]

oh Tai chi has been calling me lately.
Funny how more "peaceful" I've become with time... First Taekwondo, Kickboxing... now Yoga and Tai Chi!
Have a nice week you too!

[Jean]

Thanks! Tai chi feels like the perfect mix of physical conditioning, martial art and mindfulness to me, hope you enjoy it. I'm trying to be on the opposite path: physical conditioning -> tai chi -> kung fu. I'm not nearly in shape nor in an acceptable mental space to go for kung fu right now but I'll probably get there at some point. Somehow, practicing martial arts feels right when I do it.

 

Not sleeping nearly enough has taken a toll on my shape today and I've dealt with headaches all day long. I've postponed running until tonight. Running under the moon... good times.

 

Nightwish - Wanderlust

 

 

On the "know thyself" side of things, I do like to complain about the small tasks I keep having to do during the day, at work, and that keep me away from the core of my job which is general planing and larger projects. I've spent the day doing nothing but small tasks and it appears that I actually do enjoy it quite a bit. There's something very rewarding in being able to mentally say "done!" every hour and a half. I guess it's a matter of balance, I'll have to take better care in managing my organizer from now on.

 

 

April 7th

Ran for 20'

[Jean]

The small things really do make a difference, sometimes. This first taiji move that I had never taken the time to perfect provides excellent stability for exercises like squats, good mornings and one leg balance (at which I've traditionally sucked). Also, I still hate planks.

 

April 8th

Ran for 20'.

Did my 1B workout.

[Jean]

April 9th

Ran for 20'.

[Renate]

On 4/8/2020 at 9:20 PM, Jean said:

Also, I still hate planks

 

 

Would be quite the odd sight to see a knight without the core strength to maneuver with all that armour though! 

 

(don't know what else to say. Yup. They suck. It feels unnatural to not just lie down and have a nap after your hard work 😛 I usually do them last.)

[Jean]

34 minutes ago, analoggirl said:

Would be quite the odd sight to see a knight without the core strength to maneuver with all that armour though! 

 

This brings to memory Robert Fisher's story of "the knight in rusty armor". It's about a knight who put so much of his self-image in his armor he actually identified with it. It was a symbol of how much Good he was doing, fighting what he identified as evil everywhere he went. How brave, and mighty, and kind, and compassionate he had to be in his armor! Surely, its luster was merely a display of how good of a man he was!

 

The days passed until, one day, he realized the armor was stuck and he couldn't get out anymore. Cue the inner journey of bringing his true self to the surface and what it means to actually be a human being. I like how it illustrates the dangers of hiding behind a mask to the point of identifying with the mask. It's a great book. I want to be a knight without armor: actions protect you because they create goodwill. I don't need to defend if nobody wants to hurt me (and in case they do, there's a whole bunch of people ready to step in and tackle the situation with me).

 

I'm on the way, there's still quite a long road ahead but it seems to work. Charisma builds FTW!

 

Thanks for the opportunity to remember it.

 

[Renate]

16 minutes ago, Jean said:

I want to be a knight without armor: actions protect you because they create goodwill.

 

Also, as I understood your earlier musings, and interpret the story, the idea is to not rely on past reputation to bluff through struggles if possible.

 

But to conduct yourself in such a manner, that you can stand behind your actions even if they are imperfect / you still need to learn more 😎

 

You then stand firmer because nobody can keep you stuck in your shiny armor. You know who you are, strengths and weaknesses. So you are not fazed by the prospect of someone "discovering you are not perfect after all". 

 

And those that matter, don't mind in any case. 

 

Aaaanywayyyy, that's me projecting

Thanks for the story

 

[Jean]

26 minutes ago, analoggirl said:

to conduct yourself in such a manner, that you can stand behind your actions even if they are imperfect / you still need to learn more 😎

 

Yup. It's about going out even when you've done wrong and not letting past actions define you but doing what you think is right in spite of whatever you've done up to there. It's also about staying aware of feedback and reevaluate what you feel is "right" whenever you feel a mismatch. Reevaluating doesn't mean you'll change your behavior, you can inspect your actions, see they've negatively affected some people and still decide that you did what you had to do/wanted to do and that hurt feelings is an acceptable price to pay for that.

 

Just accepting that I am myself and can be loved for who I am as long as I try to be the best version of me I can be (trying, of course, not meaning succeeding at it or even actually doing good, the act of genuinely trying and keeping an open mind is enough).

 

ETA: thinking about it, these are a lot of words for simply stating that, to me, being a grown up is about taking full responsibility for our actions.

[Scaly Freak]

7 minutes ago, Jean said:

Yup. It's about going out even when you've done wrong and not letting past actions define you but doing what you think is right in spite of whatever you've done up to there. It's also about staying aware of feedback and reevaluate what you feel is "right" whenever you feel a mismatch. Reevaluating doesn't mean you'll change your behavior, you can inspect your actions, see they've negatively affected some people and still decide that you did what you had to do/wanted to do and that hurt feelings is an acceptable price to pay for that.

 

Self-awareness as opposed to self-blame. I like it.  

[Jean]

April 10th

Ran for 20'.

Did a 1A Workout.

[Jean]

Something I have to dig in more deeply: understanding a behavior is not approving of it.

 

I have to stay focused on keeping the eyes open. I can run into a wall but I want to see the wall as I do it. Not seeing doesn't change the consequences, seeing them doesn't carry a responsibility to avoid them. It gives me choice. I can choose and that I can see bad or good things coming doesn't deprive me of this.

 

It is not easier not to see, it just lets others choose the circumstances we are dealing with.

 

I should stop seeing being aware of things as a curse.

[Scaly Freak]

5 hours ago, Jean said:

I have to stay focused on keeping the eyes open. I can run into a wall but I want to see the wall as I do it. Not seeing doesn't change the consequences, seeing them doesn't carry a responsibility to avoid them. It gives me choice. I can choose and that I can see bad or good things coming doesn't deprive me of this.

 

 

So very true. Love the way you phrased it.

[Jean]

April 11th

Ran for 20'.

 

My impressive sample of 2 data points tells me that when I really don't want to go out running, I run better and more easily. ^^

 

If I wake up in the morning, as planned, tomorrow (that's a big if), I plan on going for a small hike. I'll let you know if and how it went. Take care and stay safe.

 

Edit: I've just watched a video that made a good point that I had forgotten to apply: it's not a good time to take even small risks that can result in an hospitalized injury so the hike is canceled.