what would john cena do The QuaranQueen's Garden Party (Now with Community Jukebox!) Deffy #60

[deftona]

The QuaranQueen's Garden Party

 

 

Hello, PEASANTS. 

 

 

Just kidding, I'm not that kind of queen. In fact, I am barely an arsehole at all. I swear. Everybody is welcome at Deffy's garden party ❤️ 

 

I had a bit of trouble designing this challenge because we're currently on lockdown and I am furloughed from my job, but this is getting reviewed next week and it may be extended, it may be relaxed. They may just think fuck it and send us all back out anyway. So without knowing what my future self is going to be doing, I can't really set in stone any big plans to nurture that future self, so all is written on a dry wipe board instead of being engraved in anything which is a much better medium anyway.

 

Some of you may remember last challenge I grappled with what my purpose should be as I struggled to see a big juicy butt in my future and I have also given up on making myself look good. I actually woke up this morning at 5 am with a realisation. Well, two realisations but I am only willing to share one. And that is... I HAVE HAD A PURPOSE THIS WHOLE TIME, I JUST DIDN'T RECOGNISE IT FOR WHAT IT WAS. 

 

My purpose is... pleasing myself. 

 

I am, and have always been, a bit of a hedonist. I am happy to stay in one place as long as everything is sunny and beautiful and I am having fun. In every situation there is both good and bad, and as long as the balance is sufficient to stop the scales dipping below neutral and into bad, I am happy to stay where I am and not make changes and just ride the waves of fun until the waves stop and I faceplant the shore. As soon as I faceplant the shore I am filled with insane levels of motivation to drag myself up and find the next party, where I will surf there for a while until the shoreline approaches my face at breakneck speed again. And you know what, this ain't a bad strategy. It's served me very well, in fact. 

 

The thing is though, right now I am surfing the waves. Things are pretty sweet in my little world. Outside my little world, there are a number of fires raging but my little bubble is doing really well. I am quarantining with my favourite person in the world, we have enough space in the house that we're not tripping over each other, we don't have any money worries, we have plenty of entertainment and so far, all my loved ones are healthy and happy. Given that we're just at the start of a worldwide pandemic of biblical proportions, all of this could change on a whim so I am going to have a garden party and you're all invited. There will be cucumber sandwiches. 

Goal One - Have fun.

 

 

Wring fun out of everything. It's as simple as that. Pay attention to how I am feeling. If I am hungry I am going to eat. If I am lonely I am going to talk to a friend. If I am low I am going to exercise, clean something or take a bath. Everyone is welcome to join me in this, it's a garden party after all and we all need to focus on what is important and that is happiness. 

 

Goal Two - Track Everything

 

 

Spoiler

I can't get rid of this spoiler box so just pretend I put something scandalous here please thanks. 

 

I can eat what I want but I have to do my metrics. I am adjusting to life at home from a job where I was on my feet all day and calorie consumption is something I am fiddling around with. Being a hedonist, there are certain things I will not give up. Those are: 1. A really big dinner that satisfies me and fills me up and 2. Something sweet after it. I am willing to eat absolutely nothing else for the rest of the day as long as I can have those things, but also there is no obligation to fast if I don't want to because it's my garden party and I will stop myself from crying if I want to. 

 

Goal Three - International Woman of Mystery

 

 

One day, I hope to be able to leave the house again. And a while after that, maybe even my country. I will pay our French neighbours a visit and I will insist on talking to them whether they want me to or not. I have a streak of 337 days on Duolingo and I am going to keep it. 

 

Goal Four - Restate my Position at the Top

 

 

I still hold the Household Championship belt, despite TH's efforts to pin me which have increased recently. He is getting cockier and I think need to remind him why I am the champion so I'd like to pin him again. I want one pinfall or submission before the end of the challenge. 

 

If I succeed in all of that I will award myself an OBE which I will refuse to accept like all the cool kids. 

 

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! 

 

The Community Jukebox

 

 

All the best challenges have a soundtrack and this one will too! 

 

Every day (ish) I will post a band, an artist, a theme or something, and I'd like everyone to post their favourite song by this artist/band/in this genre. Even if you only know one song I would like everyone to play. Because that's how you earn your cucumber sandwich. 

 

 

 

Keep your eyes on the prize, people.

 

 

[DarK_RaideR]

3 hours ago, deftona said:

Because that's how you earn your cucumber sandwich. 

 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

6 hours ago, DarK_RaideR said:

Just think of it as VERY deconstructed Tzatziki. 

 

9 hours ago, deftona said:

 

My purpose is... pleasing myself. 

Just so long as you don't go blind.

 

I love everything about this challenge. It's so well written, especially the hidden (and not so hidden) gems of laughter. Following.

[deftona]

7 hours ago, DarK_RaideR said:

 

I'm sorry but there are no alternative catering options so you're gonna have to cucumber sammich. 

 

19 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Just so long as you don't go blind.

 

Forget going blind, I'm going to get rich like this crazy mare.

 

(if this actually worked, Jason Momoa might as well move in next door)

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

32 minutes ago, deftona said:

 

Forget going blind, I'm going to get rich like this crazy mare.

 

(if this actually worked, Jason Momoa might as well move in next door

Yeah, not gonna click that link. 

[WhiteGhost]

17 hours ago, deftona said:

I am going to ... take a bath. Everyone is welcome to join me in this

IN!

[deftona]

8 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Yeah, not gonna click that link. 

 

Ha, it's a Guardian article so it's not as bad as you might be expecting. But as a summary this woman believes that if she thinks about things like reducing her debt while she's reducing her debt *nudge nudge wink wink* then her sexual energy makes it happen. 

 

(Proof that anything can be a euphemism) 

 

2 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

IN!

 

[Snarkyfishguts]

I love this fun challenge!  Its got a nice balance to it. Fun, responsibility, baguettes, little sandwiches... yup. This is gonna be good. 
 

TH better get ready for a smackdown! 😂

[Emma]

Love this. I’m in.

[Novaurora]

I am so here for juke boxes and cucumber sammiches!

[deftona]

27 minutes ago, Emma said:

Love this. I’m in.

 

Yay, lovely to see you again Emma  

 

9 minutes ago, Novaurora said:

I am so here for juke boxes and cucumber sammiches!

 

Finally, someone who doesn't want to shit on my sandwiches. 

 

30 minutes ago, Snarkyfishguts said:

I love this fun challenge!  Its got a nice balance to it. Fun, responsibility, baguettes, little sandwiches... yup. This is gonna be good. 
 

TH better get ready for a smackdown! 😂

 

*glass smash*

 

[Quirky Quinn]

Looking forward to hearing the tunes and seeing who’s the first to embarrass themselves after all that Pimms. 

[Sloth the Enduring]

Garden party and cucumber sandwiches aren’t really my thing, but I’d go anywhere for you Deffy.

[Novaurora]

4 minutes ago, deftona said:

Finally, someone who doesn't want to shit on my sandwiches. 

We have cucumbers in the fridge and I kinda really want to make one now.  We can eat them in solidarity, ha

[Xena]

8 minutes ago, Novaurora said:

We have cucumbers in the fridge and I kinda really want to make one now.  We can eat them in solidarity, ha

 

I'm totally into it! Next time I go to the store, I'm getting cucumbers and I'm even gonna figure out something fun to wear to your party. Cuz, it's the best party invitation I've had in a while.

 

I don't think I've ever made a proper cucumber sandwich, but it seems like an easily accessible quarantine skill 🙂

[deftona]

5 minutes ago, Quirky Quinn said:

Looking forward to hearing the tunes and seeing who’s the first to embarrass themselves after all that Pimms. 

 

Don't want to spoiler anything but it's probably going to be me

 

5 minutes ago, Sloth the Enduring said:

Garden party and cucumber sandwiches aren’t really my thing, but I’d go anywhere for you Deffy.

 

Lovely to have you Sloth

 

3 minutes ago, Novaurora said:

We have cucumbers in the fridge and I kinda really want to make one now.  We can eat them in solidarity, ha

 

Do it! Extra butter! Lots of salt and pepper!

[deftona]

21 minutes ago, Xena said:

I don't think I've ever made a proper cucumber sandwich, but it seems like an easily accessible quarantine skill 🙂

 

If cucumber sandwiches end up being my legacy 'round here... I wouldn't be mad. 

[deftona]

Ok so the first community jukebox band/artist is.... 

 

NIRVANA

Everyone post yours and I will post mine at the end. I would also like to point out how great Post Malone's Nirvana tribute gig was. I would totally go and see a reformed Nirvana with Postie fronting it. If there wasn't a highly infection disease knocking about that is. 

 

Today's garden party outfit: (an homage to Trippy's Facebook) 

 

 

Obviously with Doc Martens. 

 

(babe, stop hitching your skirt up, it's not that kind of party)

[Sloth the Enduring]

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

 

 

Oh, wait, sorry.

 

[WhiteGhost]

Seeing how this is the only Nirvana song I know and no one has posted it yet...

 

 

[zenLara]

I'm sorry I can't post any Nirvana. I'm still trying to digest the idea of cucumber sandwiches.

[Quirky Quinn]

"Isn’t it wonderful to be invited to the Queens party in the palace Reginald?”

 

”Yes dear and the cucumber sandwiches are to die for!”

 

”Yes, it‘s all very sophisticated.  Only the absolute cream of society will be here”

 

- Reginald and Countess Von Prissy walk around the corner - 

 

“Reginald look there’s the band stand”

 

”Yes, I’m looking forward to hearing the Philharmonic do Jerusalem”

 

 “Oh dear, Reginald; those people appear to be making a big circle and bouncing into each other whilst the band sing about Rape’

 

”How uncouth”

 

 

[deftona]

8 hours ago, Sloth the Enduring said:

 

 

I was not expecting the first one to be from Incesticide

 

7 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

 

 

Oh, wait, sorry.

 

 

So much angst I thought we were on your thread. 

 

5 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

Seeing how this is the only Nirvana song I know and no one has posted it yet...

 

 

 

I highly recommend you check them out. They don't have a single bad song. 

 

3 hours ago, zenLara said:

I'm sorry I can't post any Nirvana. I'm still trying to digest the idea of cucumber sandwiches.

 

If you haven't tried them I think you should. They are much more delicious than they have any right to be.

 

1 hour ago, Quirky Quinn said:

"Isn’t it wonderful to be invited to the Queens party in the palace Reginald?”

 

”Yes dear and the cucumber sandwiches are to die for!”

 

”Yes, it‘s all very sophisticated.  Only the absolute cream of society will be here”

 

- Reginald and Countess Von Prissy walk around the corner - 

 

“Reginald look there’s the band stand”

 

”Yes, I’m looking forward to hearing the Philharmonic do Jerusalem”

 

 “Oh dear, Reginald; those people appear to be making a big circle and bouncing into each other whilst the band sing about Rape’

 

”How uncouth”

 

 

 

Hahahaha I love this! 

[deftona]

Sunday Update

 

 

I woke up in blissful ignorance but then I remembered the world is on fire and the anxiety crept in slowly. Taking Whiteghost's implied advice I summoned TH away from Fifa and I felt a lot better for a while before the creep started again. I am going to have to speak to my doctor about a more workable solution because I either need refractory periods to not exist or a small army of literal servicemen and neither seem likely to happen soon enough to be considered effective treatment but at least I know if I bookend my day with shagging it takes the edge off, helps me face the day in the morning and helps me sleep at night. I do have a telephone appointment with my doctor today and I will see what non-carnal solutions she recommends. 

 

It was another stressy day. We let the cat outside in the garden but she's a ridiculous beast because her behaviour is baffling. We could never let her out on her own for this reason, and in my next sentence you will completely understand why. She was just sitting on a slab, relaxed and looking around, until she heard a bird in the tree so she jumped up onto the pond wall, didn't see there was water in the pond, as he feet touched it she did that weird walking on water things cats do that stops me completely trusting them, jumped off the surface of the water, ran at full pelt into a fence, then jumped down, headbutted a chair, her legs went out from under her as she did that crazy scurrying thing cats do, ran into the patio door, headbutted that, and tried to hide around the house out of our way. I had to try and pick her up to clean her feet because that pond water is probably radioactive and I didn't want her licking that, which just made her feel more sorry for herself. She was fine, eating lots of treats and eating her dinner, and having cuddles by the end of the evening but she had a super pissed expression on her face and I haven't seen her yet this morning but I imagine much of the same since she sulks for ages. So that was ridiculously stressful. We opened the bar immediately after that. 

 

I was tired a lot of the day so I just floated around and I did some napping to a Ken Jeong standup show but he wasn't very funny. He did wake me up in the middle of the night though because when I was listening to his show and semi napping he was talking about showing his "tiny penis" in The Hangover which I didn't give much consideration to but for whatever reason I woke up at 2am desperate to see a picture of Ken Jeong's tiny penis. Normally, when a man thinks he has a small penis he is definitely wrong because in my experience men must compare the size of the penises to porn or something whereas women have actual real world examples as a frame of reference so if a man tells me he has a small penis I just assume he is wrong but it appears there are sometimes outliers. 

 

I did a bit of online shopping and filled my basket with lovely summer dresses and off the shoulder numbers (I love a good off the shoulder number) before I realised the futility of this as I don't plan on leaving the house.

 

For dinner I made us this Chinese thing. I was going to do a pad thai but I had forgotten to buy coriander so I just stir fried up some prawns, mushrooms, onions, beansprouts and noodles in some oyster, fish and soy sauces with lime juice and a little sugar. It was good. We played pinball all evening, regularly checking to make sure the cat hadn't turned herself inside out through embarrassment. She hadn't. I am quite sure she is fine, it's just her pride that is hurt but I will continue to monitor her today and tomorrow. I slept quite well, Ken Jeong notwithstanding.