• Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

Salinger

Salinger's thirty first challenge!

Recommended Posts

On 5/28/2020 at 8:53 AM, Quirky Quinn said:

Have a good day Sal!  And I hope you get a nap at some point!  4.30 am is no time to be waking up!!

 

I didnt nap :o slept well last night though xx

 

17 hours ago, TGP said:

ugh.

yucky day for me, liz!

 

how bout you? did it get any better ??

 

I see you were up early... did you crash?? 

 

No i didnt crash really, but slept well last night. 

 

 

________

 

 

Hey ... midday. Feel a bit down cos i was meant to be seeing a friend this eve but they've had to rearrange :( i have been looking forward to it all week so im a bit gutted. 

 

Im so sensitive that i cant just move on etc i start getting really really down and thinking whats the point in anything. Need to get a grip. 

 

So unsure what to do really, i should clean a bit but i have no motivation to do so...i could have a bath tonight. I should eat something healthy. ....

 

- Take medication

- Pick up meds

- Get some salad stuff

- Sort out and clean the fridge

- Clean kitchen

- Start new painting

- Get rid of dead flowers

- Promote statistics print for sale

- Have a bath

 

Its not the busiest day, but i am so tired, i will no doubt need a nap later. Everything is moving in slow motion, so lethargic. 

 

OK ... will get on with things. xx

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey all. 7pm here. 

 

- Take medication

- Pick up meds

- Get some salad stuff

- Sort out and clean the fridge

- Clean kitchen

- Start new painting

- Get rid of dead flowers

- Promote statistics print for sale

- Have a bath

 

Done ok so far. Cant seem to get motivated to paint. I will maybe tomorrow ... 

 

I dont have any shampoo left and i cant be bothered to go to the shops :( so i prob will save the shower for tomorrow morn and go to get some early on. *sigh* or maybe i just go to the shops tongiht?! aghhhh 

 

Anyway. I had a nice nap. And then drank some Ting which is always refreshing. 

 

Going to make a salad soon as im hungry. Then i guess just try to keep relaxed.... xx

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

sending you all my love as always, Sal ❤️ you got a lot done. I hope you get lots of good rest and are given some causes to smile ❤️

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey all.

 

6pm here. Very very hot, humid too which isnt the nicest!

I saw my friend Chris last night which was lovely. Today im exhausted after a night drinking. Trying to take it easy. 

 

Ste, my old housemate, broken up with his girlfriend on thursday, and he is falling into some depression, so im trying to talk to him and help as much as i can. 

He wants to meet up this eve but im just so tired and want to have some alone time. I dont know how to tell him that, he is really sensitve at the moment and may take it that i dont care or want to spend time with him. So im a bit stressed about that. 

 

In other news, for the past week ive been chatting to a different girl, off a dating site. She seems really nice i think, we are getting on well...thing is, of course, im worrying about the way i look, worrying that im mega unfit (she likes walking) just dont want to embarrass myself :( I really need to try gain some fitness. ffs. 

 

Just keep thinking, if she knew what my body was like, she would run a mile :( horrible thoughts to have,  ugh

 

Hope everyones ok xx

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Salinger said:

im just so tired and want to have some alone time.

I think if you explain it just like this (you feel for him, but have your own mental health issues and self care needs and hopes he can respect that) he should be okay.  

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey all. Almost 4am here yet im bloody awake and up with a cup of tea. I must have napped too long yesterday .. i went to bed around half 9 last night and was awake at 3am.

 

I feel a bit guilty about not seeing Ste last night. I know he needs me right now. 

 

I also got a long facebook message from a friend - i havent spoken to her much recently. Shes going through a mental health crisis and was reaching out. So i need to respond to her this morning. 

 

Got a few things to do today (Monday) 

 

- Take medication

- Put meds into pill box

- Clean kitchen

- Get boxes ready for the tip

- Tidy main room

- Get rid of DEAD flowers

- Listen out for delivery of houseplant

- Go to Ste's for an hour or so

- Do a clothes wash

- Go for a walk/bike ride

- Water the plants

- Do some painting

- Buy milk

- Fold clothes and put away

- Have a bath

 

Seems busy but its a lot of little jobs. 

 

I dont know why but i feel INTENSE anxiety about exercising. Which is fucking stupid. Why cant i just do it without these thoughts trying to drag me back?? Its so frustrating :(

 

I need to gain some fitness though and the only way is to actually move more. Im embarrassed how unfit i am. 

 

Need to do better really. And eat better.

 

xx

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Salinger said:

I dont know why but i feel INTENSE anxiety about exercising. [...]

Maybe it's fear of change? Or you deep inside want too much, too soon, and when you don't see results ASAP, you get disappointed - and the anxiety is a coping mechanism to protect you from said disappointment (you can't feel disappointed for not doing enough when you haven't done anything)? Or you are afraid of exercising because it didn't work so many times in the past, and you don't want to repeat this process...Not enough data, but you can dig deeper into your feelings, find the source.

 

Just ask yourself "WHY? Why am I feeling this way? What is the cause?" everytime you find another level of emotions. 

 

2 hours ago, Salinger said:

the only way is to actually move more

This is true. But HOW will you move is up to you. You can make a list what types of activity you tried, what was okay and what was not. You have aspirations (boxing, football) that may guide you to other types of training - maybe finally something you'll like.

 

And about non-fitness stuff:

2 hours ago, Salinger said:

I feel a bit guilty about not seeing Ste last night. I know he needs me right now. 

 

I also got a long facebook message from a friend - i havent spoken to her much recently. Shes going through a mental health crisis and was reaching out. So i need to respond to her this morning. 

Ste should understand. You need to be in decent shape to help others. Just sitting there and nodding without actually listening wouldn't be fair.

And your friend - she reaches to you. To YOU. This means she believes in you, she trusts you and feels you are strong enough to help her. 

Why?

BECAUSE YOU ARE STRONG! Strong, yet kind and helpful. That's the best mix :) 

 

Hugs! 

 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
8 minutes ago, aramis said:

Maybe it's fear of change? Or you deep inside want too much, too soon, and when you don't see results ASAP, you get disappointed - and the anxiety is a coping mechanism to protect you from said disappointment (you can't feel disappointed for not doing enough when you haven't done anything)? Or you are afraid of exercising because it didn't work so many times in the past, and you don't want to repeat this process...Not enough data, but you can dig deeper into your feelings, find the source.

 

Just ask yourself "WHY? Why am I feeling this way? What is the cause?" everytime you find another level of emotions. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Morning Aramis, how lovely to speak to you, as ever!

 

I do think its the fear of failure, AGAIN. Yes, it hasnt worked so so many times and im fed up of trying and failing and then the intense self hatred gets worse. Im unsure how to work through that tbh. 

Also i do think im really lazy, its hard work and i am shirking away from responsibility. 

 

10 minutes ago, aramis said:

 

 

And about non-fitness stuff:

Ste should understand. You need to be in decent shape to help others. Just sitting there and nodding without actually listening wouldn't be fair.

And your friend - she reaches to you. To YOU. This means she believes in you, she trusts you and feels you are strong enough to help her. 

Why?

BECAUSE YOU ARE STRONG! Strong, yet kind and helpful. That's the best mix :) 

 

Hugs! 

 

 

 

Thank you, you are right about Ste. And yes, its nice to know she trusts me to talk about these things ❤️ xx

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Salinger said:

I do think its the fear of failure, AGAIN. Yes, it hasnt worked so so many times and im fed up of trying and failing and then the intense self hatred gets worse. Im unsure how to work through that tbh. 

I think there are several issues to be addressed.

 

First - your overgrown lack of self-acceptance. I think you put yourself in a mindset where your body is your enemy, and needs to be fought. But in reality, it's the only one you have, and as far as I know it won't be easy to witch bodies anytime soon. So instead of fighting it, you need to learn to work with it. Accept it as it is, choose the area you want to improve and then take required steps to do so. IMPROVE. Not fight or fix, because it's neither an enemy, nor is broken.


Second - you tried so many times and failed, and then self-hate came. First of all, your shortcomings doesn't define your value. It's the biggest mistake we all make. I work through this with my therapist as well. Let's try to look at the situation from the outside. There is a person, struggling and failing. Do you mock them for the failure? Are you mean to them, expressing hate and contempt? I really don't think so. Then why are you do it to yourself? Treat yourself just as you would treat any other person around you. RESPECT yourself. 

 

Third - what lesson have you learned from your failures? Was there any lesson at all? Failures are great opportunity to learn - all you need is some perspective, some distance. Again, pretend it's someone else's failure, and try to reason it to them. Find the source of the problem, think how it can be handled, or find a way around it if dealing with it seems too hard.

LEARN from your mistakes. Trying 100 things and failing isn't bad. It's progress - now you are 100 tries closer to the thing that finally WILL work for you. Just don't do same things over and over expecting different results. 

 

1 hour ago, Salinger said:

Also i do think im really lazy, its hard work and i am shirking away from responsibility.

Getting fit doesn't have to be hard work IS hard work physically, but it can be great fun mentally. The trick is to find an activity you enjoy. 

I know you go for a walk sometimes. Is it fun, or just an obligation? 

What about cycling with Edgar? 

You told us boxing was fun - can you shadow punch at home or do some drills with youtube videos?

I can see kettlebells lost their charm for now, so let's leave them in the corner - maybe you'll come back to KB training some day (or not, which is also completely fine). 

 

Just try new things. Not as exercises, but as fun things to do. 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey @aramis, thank you for your response!

Yes this lack of self acceptance really needs to be addressed. You are right, i do feel that my body is the enemy. Im unsure how to accept it. From a young child i have hated it. :(

 

I think walking isnt fun  at the time (hard work) but rewarding...? The views, being in nature, the feeling afterwards.

Same with cycling...

Im unsure why i stopped with the KB...i just stopped it all :(

 

This is good advice thanks Aramis xx

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Morning all.....8.30am here and its going to be a HOT one today. 

 

Guess what im doing today...?

 

Driving to my parents :) its been a good few months since i saw them, and with my dad not being well I really want to see them. SO they said lets meet up, they have a side gate so i can go and sit in the garden - cant wait to see them. ill set off in a couple of hours. 

 

I got a good email this morn, a project i instigated with another curator, has been successful!! Will be announced properly next week :D ill share more then. 

 

Yesterday was really tough but feel a bit better this morning and hope that continues. xx

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Salinger said:

Driving to my parents

WOOHOO! You'll finally see your Dad! If you plan on distancing, just say how much you love him. And if you ditch distancing, give him a long, bear-like hug :) 

 

2 hours ago, Salinger said:

a project i instigated with another curator, has been successful!

Another great news! 

 

After last days' not so great mood, here comes some positive news! At last! I hope you'll ride this good time wave as long as possible. BUT keep in mind what I wrote earlier. Keep that things in mind even if they don't bother you right now. I think it will be easier to work on them now, when your mood improved. 

 

Hugs!

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
9 hours ago, aramis said:

WOOHOO! You'll finally see your Dad! If you plan on distancing, just say how much you love him. And if you ditch distancing, give him a long, bear-like hug :) 

 

Another great news! 

 

After last days' not so great mood, here comes some positive news! At last! I hope you'll ride this good time wave as long as possible. BUT keep in mind what I wrote earlier. Keep that things in mind even if they don't bother you right now. I think it will be easier to work on them now, when your mood improved. 

 

Hugs!

 

Hey Aramis! Yes ... we hugged. I tried to stop him but he almost cried and wanted to hug me. I couldnt resist. ahaha

 

It was just lovely to see them both, we sat in the garden and had a bbq :)

 

101627601_672922553272138_2522400427123671040_n.jpg?_nc_cat=109&_nc_sid=b96e70&_nc_oc=AQkKjVa6DoEOdi1JkZ9ps9Q5KwTrrlpvxRAf8sX6azu8jvtTpCa5FFxdY_TAIfzBMsc&_nc_ht=scontent-lhr8-1.xx&_nc_tp=7&oh=a1c853fefb13459ff9c6b6b7bb6821de&oe=5EFD9659

 

 

Stayed for around 5 hours, then drove back, takes about 90 mins over all so not too bad. 

 

I got home, and lay with Jackson on my bed ...

 

82266672_970390040056769_1944557060423155712_n.jpg?_nc_cat=101&_nc_sid=b96e70&_nc_oc=AQkkpZBGOylj89vkoKSZcIE0pDY0nbIhUJlOSUdqgx3QBlAkyFbjYb4tsilLPbRYnh8&_nc_ht=scontent-lhr8-1.xx&_nc_tp=6&oh=25eb08dbfead9ee2de91dea91324c40a&oe=5EFB384F

 

 

Look at that tash....such a loving boy. 

 

Its 9.30pm at the moment, i should make a drink i'm thirsty. 

 

I am really tired, from the driving, the heat, and not sleeping very well past few nights. And prob not drinking enough water hasnt helped my headachey status. 

 

On the drive i was contemplating a few things, how i feel about myself etc. 

 

Its really hard and i worry about how to change my mindset/thought processes. The self hatred is so so intense, its hard to even explain it. The thoughts i have about myself :(

 

And its mainly all body image! Which sounds and feels so fucking vain. And i dont know why i cant/dont/wont use the knowledge i have to help myself!? I KNOW exercise will help, i KNOW healthy eating will help... yet i dont do any of it... i self destruct instead.

 

Anyway...i feel thoughtful tonight, pondering on these things. The weather is getting a LOT cooler from tomorrow, and a bit of rain too. The plants will enjoy the rain! And i think me and Jacks will like it not being so warm and humid. 

 

I will look at planning a hike for the end of the week i think... xx

 

 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hello all. morning. 7.45am here, raining! :o and much much cooler. 

 

Just drinking tea and listening to music. 

 

Ste popped over last night for an hour, he is going to stay with his cousin for a few weeks (about 2 hours away) so he has some company. I will miss him. Ill be heading to his every few days to check on Jules. His neighbour will feed him though so i dont have to go every day. 

 

Feels like a monday?!  Anyway here is the to do list...

 

- Take medication

- Put meds into pill box

- Clean kitchen

- Post office - send zines

- Do a clothes wash

- Do some painting

- Eat healthy/whole foods (TRACK)

- Plan a hike for Friday

- Plan work schedule (projects)

- Go for a walk/ride or KB workout

- Have a bath

 

Already i feel intense anxiety about working out...will try to ignore, work through it. frustrating. 

_____

 

Just tracked what i will eat today. Came up at 1,486 calories. Marcos (25% F, 42% C, 33% P)

 

xx

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey all. 1.30pm - im exhausted...! Feel half asleep, cant stop yawning. 

Its so cool outside today, about 13C, and rainy. i even feel  a little cold...!!!! How can it have been SO HOT yesterday and now this. 

 

Anyway, Just cleaned the kitchen a bit, which helps my mood. 

 

- Take medication

- Put meds into pill box

- Clean kitchen

- Post office - send zines

- Do a clothes wash

- Do some painting

- Eat healthy/whole foods (TRACK)

- Plan a hike for Friday

- Plan work schedule (projects)

- Go for a walk/ride or KB workout

- Have a bath

 

Its the beginning of shark week :( i have some cramps. And it could be why im so exhausted as well...I want to curl up and sleep! the first day or two is always the worst for me. 

 

I should put some washing on, but i MAY do it tomorrow instead. 

 

I also may have an early bath, to try and relax. First though i need a cup of tea and to do some work. x

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

doing a Hike on Friday?

 

thats fun! 

 

is it with your dad?  

sorry I missed some hard thoughts.  FWIW, I feel kind of stuck back at square one a little with my exercise.  my program hardly has crashed- but some things have not been sustained as I had planned and hoped for.

 

this will undeniably make future challenges more difficult.... but see

 

the future is still in the Future! there's still loads of time to make things better, achieve new things!

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, TGP said:

doing a Hike on Friday?

 

thats fun! 

 

is it with your dad?  

sorry I missed some hard thoughts.  FWIW, I feel kind of stuck back at square one a little with my exercise.  my program hardly has crashed- but some things have not been sustained as I had planned and hoped for.

 

this will undeniably make future challenges more difficult.... but see

 

the future is still in the Future! there's still loads of time to make things better, achieve new things!

 

 

Hey no he isnt well enough to hike at the moment. 

 

But i wouldnt go walking with him yet anyway, i get embarrassed at how unfit i am. :(   ive said before  *sigh* 

 

I think ive planned where i will go...

 

_______

 

Its 4.30 ... i just woke from a nap. I needed it , could have stayed sleeping/dozing for much longer. I did some star jumps, remembering @aramis telling me it can wake us up. 

 

My friends cat just turned up by the way... i think i mentioned how she had gone missing about a month ago? Well she just WALKED IN TO THE KITCHEN this morning, like nothing had happened hahahhaahha my friend is over the moon, :D

 

Im getting hungry, so wil cook soon. I got some white cabbage and carrots to make my own coleslaw mmmm!! 

 

xx

 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

wow, how extraordinary!

 

I have two outdoor cats and if I lost one of them for a month, yes I would be sadly wistful that something awful happened to them.  what an awesome thing (for your friend).

 

Liz, ❤️

you are much stronger than your feel.  I"m not sure what words of wisdom I should say, but that I'm delighted you are going for a hike.  and Every time I exercise I do NOT feel fit enough- no...

not even a (teensy-tiny) bit!

 

I've been pretty determined with this art idea too- and have been drawing as much as I can!  I don't post every pic; for there's some that just don't come out;

 

but I want to say that it has tested my confidence quite a bit.

 

the whole "am I good enough at x" is a real REAL hard mind game.

 

it seems to me that I never outgrow the difficulty of exercise or the challenge to always be starting again and restarting an effort at something I consider important.

 

and also

 

"busyness" in any form seems to only intensify the difficulty.

 

so try to be nice to yourself and remember how we are all trying and restarting efforts to improve. in every way!

❤️ 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Salinger said:

just WALKED IN TO THE KITCHEN this morning, like nothing had happened

Well... cats. Sigh.

 

13 minutes ago, TGP said:

the whole "am I good enough at x" is a real REAL hard mind game.

Yep. I second Jason. No matter how good you are, there's always this feeling of not being good enough. But I try to fight this by asking myself - enough for WHAT? For example - I may not be good enough at running to run a marathon, but I'm sure as hell good enough for 5K. And this helps :) 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey @TGP yes she is so so happy! I couldnt cope if i lost Jackson for that long :o 

 

Thank you for your kind words as always...something for me to ponder. xx

 

9 minutes ago, aramis said:

 

 

Yep. I second Jason. No matter how good you are, there's always this feeling of not being good enough. But I try to fight this by asking myself - enough for WHAT? For example - I may not be good enough at running to run a marathon, but I'm sure as hell good enough for 5K. And this helps :) 

 

True! Thats a good tip, thanks!!! xx

 

 

_________

 

 

Hey its 7.15pm, i just had a nice hot bath and my skin is now all tingly :)

 

I am feeling a bit calmer after the bath ... but frustrated i didnt exercise even though i planned to. I  do definitely think its a self destructing thing, fear of failure, fear of it not working, me not feeling any better etc. 

 

Im scared guys :(

 

ugh...like im still chatting to that girl, its a bit strange cos we cant meet up obviously due to the virus...but also, im terrified to meet her, for her to see me. What a disappointment i would be. 

 

Ok enough bad talk. sorry. 

I had a lovely dinner, very tasty. 

 

ive stuck to the food plan for today, eaten good healthy stuff. Even when i went to the shop and wanted to buy some crap ... i didnt!

xx

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi there. Morning. it is 5.30am, kind of chilly again today, and a bit rainy....im tired. i went to bed pretty early last night - slept mainly through till 4am. so i got about 6 hours sleep. 

 

Ill no doubt have a nap at some point today. 

 

- Take medication

- Sort through boxes

- Take empty boxes to the tip

- Water the plants

- Clean kitchen

- Take bins out

- Track food for the day and stick to it

- Do some exercises

- Have a nap

- Sort out work for Transmission 

 

Feels like a busy day and already i am finding tough to motivate but its mega early, im sure motivation will come when i wake up a bit haha!

 

I have tracked food for the day, comes in at 1671 calories and 28% F, 39% C, 33% P macros. 

 

xx

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Good morning! If motivation came in a package I would send you some! Instead I’m sending you an imaginary kitten haha! (=^-ω-^=)

 

You can do it!!! 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
6 hours ago, //Min said:

Good morning! If motivation came in a package I would send you some! Instead I’m sending you an imaginary kitten haha! (=^-ω-^=)

 

You can do it!!! 

 

Thanks Min :)

 

Motivation has gotten even lower, i always feel EVEN MORE tired when its time of the month :( really struggling so im trying to take it easy, doing the bare minimum today, drinking tea, doing a little work and listening to music. I had a nap too. Got real bad cramps so hot water bottle on me. How annoying. x

  • Sad 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.